I always say you must tackle all that which is difficult in your life, if you are scared of something then that means you should do it... that you should laugh in the face of fear and show yourself that you can do it anyways... no matter how scary it is.... so here I am, finally tackling probably the hardest thing in my life.... men.
Today is the first day of no men, at all.... no seeking of male attention in anyway. Day one... and I am completely and utterly lost...
I can't even tell you how aweful I feel right now... I feel depressed. Its 3pm, and I have laid in bed this whole time.... 15 hours. I feel like I used to feel years ago when I would just not get out of bed, ski school, or skip work... just get stuck behind my sadness.... every time I would wake up I would run through all the reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.... and here I am, feeling the exact same way.... when absolutely nothing has happened!
It's sooo weird. Its not like it was the weekend, and I am trying to avoid circumstances where I will be seeking male attention.. nope, just school... and I am incredibly depressed. Like I have no freaking idea what to do with myself... like this has been running me my whole life... and I have no idea what to do with myself without this to run me.. eveything I do is about "will I find him" "where is he" , "if I don't go out tonight, maybe I'll miss him.." it's like a tape on repeat.... for 9 years... same shit, all the time.
I feel so sad for me.... all the talk, all the thinking that I've changed, all the hope... and yet, nothing had changed.... I would still go out, pick up and sleep with some ass hole that didn't give a shit about me... but I obviously didn't give a shit about me either.... How deluded we all are to our own behavior... how unbelievably in denial about the things that we do on repeat a thousand times....
What I'm holding on to is.... someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome... well at least, if nothing changes, this is at least something new.... I'm trying something new, and at least that's a change.
OK...I have to go at least study today, so I'm not so incredibly wasteful with my day.
next thing to tackle.... smoking. fuck.
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