I knew this wasn't going to be easy... and right now is the first of those many waves. It's a small wave.. but it is there none-the-less.Coupled with exhaustion, and frustration for missing a chemistry lab because of lack of planning on my own part... definitely plays a role in my feeling the lack of control that is starting to bubble up inside me...
What is this like? you ask. It's trying to kick a habit, an addiction, I'm sure.... but its an emotional addiction that hides itself under the surface.... Now, I am not going through crazy hard feelings right now, just a feeling like I don't know what to do with myself... I just want to get drunk and make the feeling go away...
In the past when I start feeling like this I mistake it for loneliness, and I go out to the bar, distract myself with beer and people, and then, hopefully find someone who wants to share my bed and make me feel not so alone...
Knowing, simply knowing that I can't go to that space anymore scares me... let alone when I actually feel that way. I want so badly to preoccupy my time with stupid chatter, going on POF and trying to find someone to talk to, that I KNOW, won't lead anywhere... its difficult to realize that you've been hurting your self for so many years that you can't even see it any more.
When I told one of my friends that I had decided to not have any interactions with men, aside from conversations with friends... but no seeking male attention of any kind, she said " well you don't have to do that, just be aware of your interactions, watch them, observe how you are... " I said" I can't"
what I realize is that my interactions with men have spiralled down the rabbit hole, and are at a point now where my neutral ground is so far in the negative, that what I think a positive interaction is still in the negative. My perception of what is going on is not in fact what is going on....
We've all heard that it's in the interpretation, its weird to start realizing that your interpretation is out of distorted goggles, that your view of something is completely squewed... it is also difficult to, despite the fact that you know this... when you can't explain it, articulate it.... its so hard to forge through, believe that you have it right, because of course, I could be completely wrong...
there's this tension that lies in the middle of my chest.... its the feeling right before a panic attack, the heaviness.... it's light... but someone once told me that panic is the feeling you get when you supress your emotions, when you don't want to let them out, its not being in control...
that's how I feel, out of control....
it's weird, I think that perhaps my interactions with men is how I attempted to gain control of the situation... as a kid and a teenager, I never had guys interested in me, so I finally took it upon myself to make things happen... I pursue men, I make it easy for them to pursue me, to make out with me, to sleep with me... I make the game easy, so that It actually happens.... that's where it started.... and now its become habit, I don't even realize, or see, that I made that choice, that I made that happen... that I made the game easy, and in so doing, made the outcome less and less enjoyable, to the point now where when I sleep with a guy I don't even care.... I don't expect him tocall or write, and if he does, there are 2 out comes... either I find something terribly wrong with him, and I run the other way... or 2. I just sleep with him, I make myself completely available to him, and make sleeping together how I validate myself....
ah its so sad... what my mother would think if she were able to see.... she would be so sad for me, that I let myself get to this point... to see how much I devalued myself... how I don't cherish myself.
So control, realizing... or at least starting to realize that this is all about control, control over my own life, removing these situations makes me feel like I'm not in control, and sends my brain running around in panic mode.... perhaps that feeling isn't my brain though? perhaps its my ego trying to regain control of the situation.... man its sooo hard to figure this shit out.
I had a fantasy last night... a fantasy that for the first time in my life I had sex and it meant something... that it was special, and loving and kind, and passionate, and important. That I met a man who was sensitive to the sacredness of it all. That I was at a point where I could actually be vulnerable with someone and make love.
It's difficult to imagine that I have never had sex where it means anything to the other person. That I have shared myself, and my body with countless men who don'tcare about me... and to be honest, that I don't even care about....
It's bizarre to realize that I have come so far that I just don't care anymore.. I don't care about the men, I rarely remember them, it just becomes another blur.
There was a time where I remembered everything about my life.. and now every day sort of runs in to the other... I'm not present in my own life.... This is my attempt to regain myself, be present, and reclaim my body, my mind and my spirit.
It doesn't make it any easier, when there's hope but no assured outcome... I hate doing anything unless I know that its going to turn out... I hate the risk...I want to be in control... and yet... here I am... feeling like I'm losing it... for the hope that I get it all back, but this time in a different, more empowered way...
doesn't make right now any easier though :(
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