manifesting your own problems

So J and I keep having these random arguments that just ruin the whole day and take so long to resolves and they are exhausting.... he invited me to move in with him... and yesterday was St. Patts, and he had the day off, so we moved my clothes and some of my stuff into his house... but the excitement of the event, what it meant, enjoying it was totally destroyed by this argument yesterday.... it was aweful.. and I have been racking my brain at my own contribution to the situation...

basically, he woke me up, I was tired, he brought me coffee in bed and then turned on this ipod cast that I really didn't like. I felt bad that I didn't like it.. and asked him if we could change it.... by saying "hey babe, I'm really sorry, but do you think that we could listen to something else? I can't handle this right now."

He got pretty pissed off at me... and I subsequently got really pissed at him for being so pissed off at me.... it lasted for 2 hours... talking, trying to figure out where the miscommunication happened... my dedication of wanting to eliminate the misunderstanding...

So, he's not perfect.. and yes, he over reacted... but I know that we cause things in our life.. and he does love me... and he wants to make me happy, so why the fight?

It has only today occured to me that it is in fact my worry and my concern that caused the misunderstanding...

he was more pissed off with the way I asked.. yesterday I was so frustrated.. asking him what the hell do you mean? the way I said it? like how can I be any different, I was trying to be considerate....

but I think what I have realized its not the fact that I was being kind.. it was that he wouldn't have reacted... well hypothetically wouldn't have... if I had just said "hey babe can we listen to something else?"

no dram, no concern, no making a big deal.. and not worrying about how it was going to land for him... that in fact its my concern of saying te wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing that is causing me to say the wrong thing...or do the wrong thing.. that I am experiencing what it feels like to start worrying and because of my concern, I am actually causing the problems that I am scared of causing..

this train of thought leads to a pretty big personal confrontation... where in order to eliminate the conflict, I have to eliminate my insecurities... ha!

what a catch 22.... and how sweet it is in the same breath.. to know that its in fact my own over thinking, over concern that's causing these rifts....

My cousinand I were talking last night.. and I think the problem is that I am so worried about getting into the same relationship with J as with C. that I am living in this tip toe around scenario, although J has given me no personal reason to feel that way... in fact he has pretty much done the complete opposite... he has made me feel welcomed, loved and accepted.... but I treat him like if I say something or do something wrong he is going to leave me....

makes you wonder if I did the same thing with C....

BUT... my cousin and I were saying that whats difficult is having the same behaviour with someone who is a bad man(C) and someone who is a good man (J)

its hard to see the difference in behaviour.... because its not necessarily the behaviour but the reasons behind it.

Anyways... I am pretty confronted right now... how do you eliminate your fear, when you've created evidence for having those fears in the first place... lol?

Looking at all the times I have been worried of annoying him or putting him on edge... I do just that... and when I am not worried... he doesn't seem to get bothered... pretty fucked up if you ask me!

So yes, watching yourself create the mirror of your life.. create conflict is a really strange feeling.

At the end of the day though.. I love him.. I really enjoy spending time with him.. I think I am just at a point in our relationship where I'm worried of losing him which is actually causing scenarios that have me sabotaging the situation.

Isn't that weird.. the only way to make a relationship work is by trusting that you being you adn them being them is enough... to value your own opinion.. and trust that you aren't going to say or do the wrong thing.

To put in succinctly, I think he picked up intuitively that I was worried about what I was going to say... but didn't realize that's what he was picking up on.. and so couldn't really explain it... I as a result got mad that he got mad at how I said it (even though that wasn't really what he was mad at) That men need women who value themselves and have enough self-esteem and assurance that they speak straight up... and say what they want without all the extra words, the embellishment that sounds a lot like drama to them... not thoughtfulness... that men need women who say what they are thinking... straight to the point... and not worry about how its going to land.... so basically, not be overly considerate, because it doesn't come across as being considerate, it comes across as being insecure.... interesting thought.

learning lessons... how to be in a real-ationship

I haven't written much in the past few weeks cause I guess there hasn't been much to write. I've been coasting as it were, enjoying the relationship and trying not to let my fears and concerns get the best of me... the past few days however have given me a new lesson... and I feel like sharing.

Over the past week I have seen myself starting to fall into my typical behaviour.. falling in love with someone eventually leads you to a point where you are concerned about losing them.. and as a result you start wondering if how you feel is being overly - something.. like... or at least a close cousin to neurotic... I don't want to be bitchy or naggy.. I don't want J to feel like I'm asking him to change, so I let things slide, convincing myself that I am over reacting..

Particularly recently I have felt a little neglected.... like he'll stay up late watching tv, or doing stuff on the computer.... what helped me fall in love with J was that he just made me feel so special.. like what I had to say was just perfect.. he made me feel like I was just great, just being me... and that he wanted nothing else more than to spend time with me... and because of that, I wanted him to feel as special as i do, so I would do what ever I could to make him happy.. clean the dishes when I didn't want to.. clean the house while he was at work.. make him dinner... just anything I could to make his life easier.

But over the past few weeks I have felt like he's just living with me around.. he hasn't really done anything to make me feel special, or wanted... just that he's satisfied... but no longer making an effort.

What's hard is that I want this to be easy... and I don't want to jump to conclusions... but I started snapping at him... every time he would say a negative comment I would make a snarky comment back.... and he picked up on it and called me out last night.... he said "you seem to be getting angry a lot with me lately. "
"yes" I responded... "I am" "I'm sorry.. I just feel like you aren't really paying much attention to me.. and its making me a little bitchy. I proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, but that all week I felt like he didn't really care about hanging out with me.. and every time I wanted to hang out with him or share something I felt like he'd rather be doing anything but hang out with me.. that I love hanging out with him.... and I want him to feel the same about me... with nothing else... " I told him I didn't want to tell him cause I didn't want to be bitchy...and I thought it was me.... that I was the one being too sensitive. We talked a little... he told me he doesn't want me to feel that way... and I said "i know... that's why I'm telling you... cause I know you aren't doing it intentionally."

The eventual outcome was for us to watch a movie, and then he took me to bed. It was really slow and sensual. At one point he started falling asleep.. because it was slow, and I was really enjoying the moment. the spending time together... the touching, the just enjoying each other's company. But there were moments when we were kissing, and it seemed as thought he wasn't on the same wavelength as me... an example? his tongue was moving way way faster than mine... and he wouldn't get in the groove with me... where he just went slow.. in fact it bothered me so much at one point I told him so....

I tell you, its so hard to tell someone what they are doing isn't making you feel good, when you know they are trying to.... anyways... I tried to bring his attention to it.. but I think I just sounded cryptic.. how do you explain to someone that you want them to get in tune with you? that seems so cryptic.

As he started to fall asleep.. I finally got up the courage to say"there is a moment here that you are going to miss if you fall asleep" he didn't really understand.. and told me he thinks I think that he can read my mind.. I told him I know I can't that's why I give him subtle hints... and that if he really wants to know what I am thinking listen to my body language.. if I'm touching him.. I want to be touched.... If I'm talking.. I want to talk...sometimes I'm a little more blunt.. but just listen to my body language if he doesn't understand.... he didn't really understand what I was saying, but how I was feeling, is after our talk we had gotten really close... and that if we made love it would be an expression of that closeness and it takes something to get there.. so if nothing happened, we'd miss that beautiful moment of sharing that space with each other.. of getting really close, and being really intimate in that closeness... he didn't really understand.. but stayed awake.... and we eventually found that place..... that really intimate space.... and when we were making love... I whispered in his ear "this is the moment I was worried you'd miss" he smiled at me.

When we were done, I told him that I really needed moments like that... where I feel connected with him... its what fuels everything else... when life is shit.. when you have those REALLY REALLY good moments, you can get through the rest. I told him I really needed that.. and he told me so did he.. I was glad he saw it.

I went to sleep.... I missed school today... and I have been feeling more and more that I have put myself in his life... and cause I want to spend so much time with him... that I am forgetting I have a life outside this.. and I am going to have to start living it again soon.... that he can't occupy all my time.. but I enjoy his company soo much.. that this is ok for right now....

There's this movie I watched two days ago that was profoundly moving to me.. its called " how do you know". I expected it to be a comedy, but it was the most real representation of relationships and life I have ever seen in a movie.

For most it would have been a happy ever after movie.. entertainment, but for me, it showed what people have to decide in order for their life to work... and when there's love knocking at your door you have to do anything you can to allow it to happen.. and then just let it happen....

It was an interesting take on life, because all the characters are going through a huge change in their life.. where they are profoundly changing who they are.... getting uncomfortable and they're typical way of being isn't working anymore.. so they have to make changes.. each person in the movie is at a different time in their waking up process... what I mean by waking up.. is realizing that love is amazing... that listening and being in touch with other people.. caring about another human being is the only way to make life work... each character has to look at ways they have been being and how that sells out on themselves.... and they have to change.

What I found most interesting is the character that is "the player" changes too.. but his change is relatively subtle.. but huge for him. Same with the father character.... he treats everyone a certain way and has always.. and over the course of the film he has to come to grips with that.. and realize that he has to own the things he has done.. and take responsibility.....

taking responsibility is a difficult thing for many.... for some they just do it.... like me.

Why the movie was so profound is the love story. The main character wants nothing more than to make things work.. and she's willing to give anyone a chance... they just have to show up.. but she won't settle for anything less than what she deserves... its not easy for her.. but she's on the right track.... but she'll always give you the benefit of the doubt.... and forgive you and give you another shot.. if you are willing to take it.

I feel like I have alot of those characteristics.. except that sometimes I let people treat me a way I don't like so as to not hurt their feelings.... but in the process my feelings get hurt.... which is what caused a profound shift in me tonight.

One thing J has done for me... is makes me really feel like he cares... but with me knowing that it has caused me to be really aware of when he's not caring... and because its such a  different feeling I am aware that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.. so its my promise to myself to teach him.. to tell him when he's doing things that hurt me.. so he knows.. and then he knows what to change....

I was really struggling with saying anything because I was worried he would think I wanted him to change.. but I guess I do... only the little things that hurt my feelings.... nothing on a fundamental level....

He's been incredibly negative lately.. and it gets to me... (which is what the earlier thing I talked about was about) When ever he's negative I snap at him.... and tell him not to think that way... but the other thing is when he makes remarks that are poking at me... or accusing me of things in a joking manner....

I have never understood humour like that... where its at the expense of someone else.... it has always hurt me, and my whole life I have had people tell me to lighten up... they have accused me of not having a sense of humour.. and I have believed them.... but I'm starting to not believe them anymore.

J made a comment, haphazardly today... and I caught him saying it... the comment was like this

"what happened to the money that was on the table"
"I don't know"
"ok.... "
"I didn't take it...."
"I know you didn't, why would you think that I would think that"
"I didn't, I'm just saying"
I found the money and then put it in my pocket
he watched me do this and teased me that I was trying to hide it from him.
"right in the pocket eh?"
"I'm not hiding it from you."
"I know... "
"No J, please don't think that I think for a second that you would take money from me... I would never think that.. in fact had you said you put it in your wallet that wouldn't have bothered me..."
"I know.. I know..."
"ok... but I just don't want you to think that I would ever think anything like that"
"I don't... I was just teasing..."
"ok... but you said it, so you must have thought it.. "
"its ok A."

In a split second it occured to me that he just doesn't get why I was upset.. and why I took it personally.. so I said "I think I know where our miscommunication comes... can I say something."
he stopped and rolled his eyes to focus on me... the simple act made me feel like he REALLY REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.
I felt it well up inside me... and said, with all the courage I have
"that's not ok."
"what?"
"that.... when I ask if I can say something and you roll your eyes at me like the last thing in the world you want to do is listen to what I have to say"
"that's not what I was doing"
"yes it was"
"no..."
"you rolled your eyes at me"
"I was focusing on you"
"that's not how it felt...."
"well I'm sorry."
"I just want to tell you something and have you want to listen"
"I do want to listen"
"ok... really?"
"yes"
"ok... I was just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.... I just feel like if you joke about something that it came up in your head.. and I don't want you to ever think that of me... I really don't want you to think that I am trying to make your life harder... or I'm trying to hide things from you"
"I'm sorry for taking it personally, but it hurt my feelings."

this isn't exactly, cause obviously I can't remember everything that was said.. but I think its close...

"I don't want to hurt your feelings... I guess some people just have a better sense of humour than other."

I was soo hurt by this statement, I walked away.
What went through my head was... for the first time I was going to put myself first.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I was worried about what other people would say.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I wanted to... I was only going to stay if he wanted me to stay and he was going to show me he cared....

I said to myself, the good thing about not having moved into each other's apartments yet was that I could leave... and I was leaving.. even though it was breaking my heart, cause I was scared this was going to be it... I knew that I wouldn't be ok staying in a relationship where I wasn't respected.. and where what I had to say wasn't valued.. and where I was being accused of not having a sense of humour when all I was trying to do was express myself...

last night in bed, when I told him that I hadn't said anything cause i didn't want him to feel like I wasn't appreciative of what he has been doing for me... that I was worried that I was being crazy.. and being too sensitive... he told me that I can always tell him... so here I was, telling him.. and he REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.. I'll be honest.. I get it.. its not easy to listen to someone say.. your humour hurts my feelings... and let yourself sit with that... that's opening up this can of worms called.. "I hurt people with my sense of humour" and that's not a nice thing to realize about yourself... so I'll be honest, I understood why he was being defensive... but I decided that I wasn't going to stay if there was no space for us to even talk...
so I started packing my things.... I was almost done... when he sat down in the kitchen.. and said "you aren't talking to me anymore?"
I stopped and said "I'm not the one not talking... you aren't talking to me."
""I was going to say something and you walked away."
I looked straight at him. Took a breath to calm my energy down and said "what were you going to say?"
he couldn't do it... he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"please.. please just tell me."
"I don't want you to leave."
"why did it take you 15 minutes to tell me that?"
"I've been packing for 15 minutes? why did it take you that long?"
"well I just realized 5 minutes ago... but"
"you know what J.. the one good thing about me living somewhere else is that I can leave... I have the choice and if I feel like you don't care.. I'm going to leave"
"I do care... but I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want.. I'm not going to make this hard... do what you want."
"you are not stopping me if you tell me you don't want me to leave.. I'm leaving because I feel like you don't care, if you tell me you don't want me to leave, then I feel like you care."

I can't remember everything from that moment on.... but I will write it like I remember... or at least try.

"He hugged me and kissed me.. and said.. so how are you feeling now... and I said"like you care. he kissed me.... and then stepped back... he had this look on his face....
"can I ask you something? do you think this fight was productive or not?"
"I'm just worried where this is heading"
"what do you mean"
"just we've only been dating 2 months... I don't want to just fight... I don't want this to turn into us fighting all the time."
it was so hard for me to hear this.. to see that this could be it... and that the most important thing I could do for myself was to be honest
"well if you don't want to fight ever... then I'll be honest... I'm probably not the girl for you... this isn't going to be easy.... there are going to be things that upset me... and you told me I can tell you what's going on in my head.... I want this to work soo badly, that I am willing to tell you whats going on in my head, knowing that any time you could say this is too much for you.. but I tell you cause I am committed to trying to make this work. We are still trying this thing out.... and we don't really know each other that well, and so I am trying to make it easier for you, trying to tell you the things that hurt my feelings... that bother me... but that's not easy.. its not easy to hear when things you do hurt another person.... but I'm willing to fight.... but if you don't want to argue... then I got nothing."
" I just want this to be easy..."
"ok, do you want to drive me home then?"
"I think that maybe I should... and just give us a little while to think about this."
"ok."


He stood there... not really knowing what to say or do.... I asked him "want some advice?"
he said"yes"
"I think you are looking at this argument like most arguments where both people don't feel like the other person hears them.... where both people are talking.. but no one listens...and the next fight is just a continuation of that fight... where people are just yelling, no one is hearing anyone else and nothing gets resolved.. this is not one of those fights... we talked... we listened and we, I think, solved the problem... it was productive.... its not easy.... relationships take work.... if you look at it being easy.. its easy when we look at just the hanging out.. we get along really well, and have a lot of fun.. that doesn't take work.. but knowing what the other person needs.. that takes work...I'm willing, but if you aren't.. then that's ok"

I was incredibly calm... I wasn't angry.. I was just accepting each moment as it came... allowing him to make his choice... and allowing myself to be ok with whatever choice he made... of course I didn't want him to drive me home... but if that;s what he felt would be easier.. if he wasn't willing to go through this.. and come out on the other side.. I admitted to myself there was no hope for a future cause I can't be with someone who doesn't want to grow.
"J, I feel like i told you on our second date.. that relationships are there to learn.. to grow... that's what you offer me... "that's what you do for me too" "....you make me feel like I want to be a better person... to look at some of the things I do and change them... but its really really difficult to grow... you have to look at the hard things.. the things that are not too nice about yourself.. its really hard... "
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm hurting your feelings"
"I know.. that's why I am telling you when you do.. so you don't have to read my mind... so you know.. I don't want you to feel like you have to change... but I don't want to feel this way.. people have been telling me that I have a bad sense of humour my whole life... I'm sorry that it hurts my feelings..."
"no, you don't have to be sorry...."
"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"its ok... I'm sorry that I didn't get that it was a joke and it was teasing... "
"no I was poking fun.. it wasn't really that funny...I'm sorry."
"its ok.... "

he started getting on his shoes and said "lets go to the store and pick up some things to get dinner"
"ok."
as he was tying his shoes.. his eyes were down and he said
"I love you A. J.."
I stopped and tears welled in my eyes.
"I really do love you... and I'm sorry... I know that I have been busy... and maybe this isn't a really good time for me to start a relationship.. with this job and everything... I know that I haven't really been paying much attention to you... and I feel bad that we haven't really done anything lately.. and that I don't have any money to do anything...."
"thank-you, that's nice to know."
"I just met you... and I didn't want to miss out on you."
"thank-you for saying that... I just need to know what's going on in your head....I know this is a difficult time for you... and that's why I struggle.. cause I keep telling myself that you are only this way cause you are stressed out... and that its just the circumstances.. not you.... that when the circumstances change you aren't going to be like this.. but I have to know that the case.."
"well things may not change.."
"ok.... well then... if things don't change.. then more than anything I need to know you care and you want me around...."
"I do want you around"
"then show me.... life is tough.. I get that... but I'm willing to fight with you... so long as I feel that you care... I will only stay for as long as you care... I will make you a promise.. I will stay... only until you make me feel like you don't care...ok?"
"but I don't want you to feel like I don't care."
"then talk to me.. I will always be willing to talk about it.... but you have to make me feel like you care... I cannot stay if you don't care...."
"ok.. I do care... I do want to listen to you...."
"J, when I say things... I really think about what I am going to say...so if you behave like you don't want to hear, then I feel like you don't want to hear.. and you don't care.. I assure you I am only saying what I am saying to help our relationship.... I'm not just speaking... and I need you to value what I have to say... I am not trying to make your life more difficult..."
"ok."
"I know this is difficult. but I'm willing...."
"ok... I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to hear what you have to say, what's going on in your head"
"even if it hurts your feelings?"
"even if it hurts my feelings."
"ok."

he hugged me. and kissed me... and told me he loved me again.

and in that moment I felt like even though I was terrified to say anything.. it was one of the most important things I could have done... to be completely honest with him.. and tell him how he was hurting me... and not selling out on my feelings.

respecting my own experience... and knowing my own limits.. trusting that if he loved me he would be willing to listen.. and talk.... that this isn't going to be easy.. us changing and growing isn't going to be easy.... I see what he's going through and I've been there, and I can't make it any easier, because its his journey... but I'm willing to stay... and help him through this process... but I am very aware right now that I am very different then most.. and I can't be bothered with the fake bullshit.. I want things to be real... I really want things to be real and authentic.... and that I am going to have to make myself uncomfortable to make that happen.

We are starting P90X tomorrow.. I am scared shit less.. but I guess that's appropriate... he has to deal with all these emotional demons.. I have to deal with physical ones.... I'm willing to do it.. but I am terrified of failing...of not doing well ... I like the idea, but I don't want to do the work to get there... just like he was saying about the argument.... but I know in my heart its really really important that I do this.. for us.. and for me.... doesn't make it any easier...

So there... that's what I got.

I absolutely love him.. because even though it takes something he's willing to listen.. and make changes... on his way out to work he hugged me and said "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" I said "I'm sorry that being yourself sometimes hurts my feelings" he didn't really take that well.. but I know that's essentially what I was doing.. telling him that something he does everyday doesn't work for me..(is sarcastic.. pokes fun). and its not just that it bothers me.. it hurts my feelings... and that's hard. I am very willing to admit that I am not easy to be with... that I challenge people... and that its much easier to just stick with how you've always been... its much more difficult to change.... I know... man do I know.. . this so far outside of my comfort zone... beer and sex... that's easy for me... being fully self expressed at the expense of ruining everything.. now that's a challenge.

but one that seems to be paying off.... cause I guess I am realizing that at the end of the day... he's only the right one if I can be completely self expressed... that what I have to say is valued.. completely... that I should expect him to treat me the way I treat him... and nothing less... but that sometimes he may not know what to do.. and its my job to have compassion and love for him.. if he's willing to learn... then I will let him... the second he stops wanting to learn.. and stops caring... then I have to be willing to let go.....

I feel there is room for greatness for him.. if he's willing to step into those shoes..... and I love him more because he's going to at least try.

I feel like I am starting to get this life thing right....  that the key is respecting yourself.... as long as you are doing that... and respecting other on that path... then you are on the right path... you are moving forward... the ironic thing is that learning that isn't as easy as it sounds.

feeling unworthy.. and the fear starts trickling in again...for no good reason

We had the most amazing two days together.

 Wednesday we said I love, and Thursday... Thursday was perfect.

We woke up at 5am, J had gone to sleep early because his sleep patterns are all fucked up working the night shift. He woke up and I wanted to be awake... I wanted to just spend time with him.

We had toast, smoked a joint and watched the end of the movie we started the night before.

He then started on on the computer. I found myself annoyed at how long what he was doing was taking... but he's someone who likes to plan... and I think I appreciate it... even more now... but I'm so used to just getting up and going... and I'm impatient... that I'm just not used to it.

He went online, google earth, the Bruce Trail information, and Google maps... to plan our little excursion. It was going to be our first hike together...

I'll be honest I was a little worried about it.. underneath. But I have always wanted the man in my life and I to go hiking, to be active and not just talk about it. But I was scared about whether I would be good company.. whether I would be able to hack it...

But I went.. we went on a hike together... and besides the fact that I talked too much.. it was soo much fun! It was the warmest its been in a few months and the snow wasn't too deep. We walked for 3 hours.. him and his GPS the whole way:P lol. our destination... this bridge he's been wanting to go to his whole life... and I got to share it with him! We couldn't find the sandwiches when we got to to the bridge.. he checked my bag... after I had... but nothing. But we just laughed it off and carried on.

On our hike back I told him a little bit about what losing my mom is like for me... a little about my travels...

We got home before night fall.... and found the sandwiches in his bag!

He got ready and left to close the last door on his past while I studied.

When he got back we just hung out and watched a movie. Had dinner and went to sleep.

He told me today that it was the best day of his life.

He picked me up for school this afternoon. We went back to my house so I could get ready for work.. and when we got there there was a package for me... well it was for J.

So the story goes (I'm sorry if I've already written it before) but on J and my second date we went into a used bookstore.. and he mentioned he's been looking for this one book forever, its about an explorer, and they don't publish the book anymore, its of a man that travelled down this river, and its called a river...run ...east.

The next day I decided I was going to find this book for him.. just because.

I wasn't sure if we'd still know eachother when it got to me.. but figured that it couldn't hurt, worse comes to worse I'm out a little money, but atleast I will have done something really nice for him.

So I found this book called a river running east about this man that explored and travelled down the Colorado river, first edition.... in a little used book store in Colorado.

I ordered the book right away.

The next day by fluke J mentioned the book again.. and I nonchelantly asked him what the name of the book was. The Rivers ran East.... oh really? fuck!

When I got home I went on a mission to find this silly book... the right one this time.

I found it online from Australia. Contacted the guy and purchased it. Asked him to write a note in it for J.

The book from Colorado arrived just in time for Valentine's day. I gave it to him, with a smile telling him I knew it was the wrong book.

Today he got the right book. I couldn't wait til his birthday... I just love him so much, I wanted to give him something that reflected that.

When I gave it to him he was shocked... and when he opened it you could see that he wanted to cry.

He told me it was the best gift anyone had ever given him.

He told me he loved me.

I told him on the drive to work that I'm so happy I can make him happy... that I know how to make him happy.. and that he appreciates what just comes naturally to me.

I told him that I never want to be with anyone else ever again.. He said he felt the same way.

He told me he just wants to make me happy and I told him that what would make me the happiest is if he was proud of himself, got a good job and could take care of me so I could have babies. He said ok.

He's so handsome and so thank-ful... its just crazy for me to think that he thinks that of me!

He picked me up from work... and asked if I would sleep over so he could see me in the morning when he gets home from work.

Of course.

I thanked him for asking.. he thanked me for saying yes.

I miss him..

And as I sit here by myself I just get these fears creep in.. like he's going to wake up one morning and not want me anymore.. that I am going to fuck this up terribly...

I know its rediculous, the rational side of me says that the only way I could fuck this up is believing that little voice in my head that says that I am not worthy of this.. that there's no way he feels this about me.... Its a weird feeling .. to be trying to convince yourself that you are worth it... its weird to be your own coach.... how does one do that... be two beings at the same time.. the one that thinks this is all going to end.. and the one that tells that one that everything is going to be ok, and to just enjoy?

So I sit here and think that this is going to fade, and he's going to leave me... That I talk too much, that I am too overweight, that I nag, that I ask too many questions.

I'm so scared that I am going to do something that annoys him and he's going to say fuck this.

It's my deepest insecurities bubbling to the surface.

The rational side of me tells me that that is rediculous. That people who are in love their whole lives must feel this at one point... that he feels the same way as me.. that he would never want to fuck this up. EVER. That he wants to make me happy... and that if he trully loves me he will look past a few things that really bother him about me. The rational side to me tells me that I likes me for me so I should just continue being self expressed and not to get scared of being myself.....

But then the rational mind is competing with that this entire experience is completely IRRATIONAL.. I mean its been a month. 1 month. How do two people feel like this after a month if its not infatuation? How is this entire experience rational?

But I guess that's the difference.. none of it is rational, its from the heart.. the only truth. So I just have to truck along and in the face of my fears.... just trust my heart. be honest and truthful with myself.. and respect myself.

I just feel so overwhelmed.. like I can't believe he ACTUALLY wants what I want.. he wants a future with me.

In the car, after the book, he told me that if he doesn't say much about how he feels he's sorry. He's just awestruck by me.

I just can't believe it... that someone feels this way about me.

Perhaps in time I'll let it seep in.

I need sleep.

The perfect man.

We had the best days ever today! J woke up really early because he had gone to sleep so early. I woke up with him, just so I could hang out with him. We had amazing sex this monring then got up and watched a movie. We left the apartment around 12 and then went on this awesome hike up the escarpment. He's soo interesting, he set the whole route up on his GPS and we ended up tracking the route which is super cool.. I like encorporating technology with the outdoors.. its profound balance.

We just had the best day.. chatting and getting to know eachother more.. he's everything I have wanted in a man.. and I love that we didn't just talk about going for hikes.. we did it.

We constantly talk about our future.. and what kind of toys he wants.. and what kind of house we want.. where we want to live.. how we want our lives to be.. what kind of parents we want to be.

Its so cool.. and I just had the perfect day... now I just need to finish the homework that I haven't completed yet.

being in love.

This week a friend of mine asked me to tell her about J.. so wrote this email to her.... and I felt I would just post what I wrote her because it articulates exactly how I felt yesterday...

What can I tell you.... I am in love. absolutely real, happy ever after love. I have never felt like this in my whole life. I have never felt this cared for, unconditional love.. like nothing I could ever do would screw this up... He' so thoughtful and kind... he's so generous and patient with all the shit I've been having to go through to get to a point where I can actually believe this is possible for me... to allow myself to really love myself and get to a point where I can let him in. I feel so freaking vindicated!!!! like all that work, all that looking at the parts of me I'm not so happy with.... all the dark days of my life were leading here.

I don't think that I ever REALLY thought this could happen to me.

I have realized that I thought love was what I have been getting from my family... but love is not that... that's what people call love.. but it isn't. Love is unconditional, love doesn't ask questions and believes FULLY. ...  J is giving me the kind of love I only thought possible in my fantasies.

He's so interesting and we are absolutely best friends.. no forcing anything.. I am myself COMPLETELY myself and he is himself and we don't bother each other.. in fact all the parts that I don't like about me he thinks are awesome..

J and I talk about the coolest things and he teaches me something new EVERYDAY.

Its easy.. its just easy. I never feel like I am a burden, or he doesn't want me around.. that I am too pushy, he doesn't care that I want to touch him all the time, and kiss him and hug him.. he wants me around..

He makes a future seem possible.. not looking anymore... for this to be it.

We hacked out a plan for the future in terms of job scenario today and we just feel so hopeful.

I fell in love with him yesterday when my friend and her husband surprised me for a visit and he was so kind and thoughtful to them.  He was so exhausted and had to go work, but like a champ got up early to meet them and hang out with them. He knew that it was important to me that he got up and made it a point to put on a brave face.... he was soo awesome with them, it just put me soo at ease, to know that one of closest friends and him could get along...

that was the hard part when I was with C.  My best friend hated him and it sucked cause I wanted to hang out with her... but he was such a dick to her.... so anyways, its so nice to meet someone who puts me at ease.

So I realized that I can see a future with him.. like babies and all! and I ended up telling him I love him tonight.... and you know what he said? He said its crazy.. but I have fallen in love with you too.. I can't believe its been a month.. but I am in love with you (my name). I asked him when he realized it and he said today, when I was telling him about my dream trip to South East Asia. He had never thought of going there, but me telling him about it he thought how cool would that be.. and when he was driving to his diabetes doctors appt he just realized that he loved me.. that he just thought I was the coolest person in the world...

Imagine? Some one feeling that way about me?? its soooo crazy.

When he told me I felt almost uncomfortable like I wanted him to stop.... its weird to hear those words and be scared of them... and I asked myself what was going on.. and then I said "ok Mr. you're not allowed to die on me now." My biggest fear, feeling that loss again....

I told him tonight that I am used to the love you have for your family to be a have-to scenario.. like you have to love your family even if you don't like them.. but other than a few friends that I rarely get to see, I never have experienced love as a choice.. like he chooses me and it sends me to the stars and back... that he chooses me for everything I am and everything I am not. It is the most deepest sensation I have ever felt.

I asked him what it felt like for him and he said he feels alive again, excited about the future again.. he's less tired.. and just.. happy. We were talking about how quick this is... and how ridiculous it is... but I said I think this is different then people who just get infatuated with one another.. because we've become friends first... we love each other for what we LIKE about each other not just the story we have come up with about the other person.. like I just like being around him and I feel better about myself when I am around him. he validates me in ways I never knew possible.

I think falling in love means you accept the future.. where ever it may take you.And that one day you will lose the person whether you break up, or the other person dies.. and to know that pain that you feel, that utter despair that you will feel is worth the moments you get to spend together in the mean time.

I know its going to be a hard road.. building a future with someone is never easy and the both of us have some serious things to work out before we can feel completely secure in this relationship. Ie. we both need to figure out our careers and money situation.. but I think .. no, I know, we are both up for the challenge. I feel so blessed..

and to be honest... I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that all the shit I have felt over the years... of losing my mother got me to this point where I can love myself and let a man like J into my life.. I am so profoundly proud of the changes I have made... and for believing in myself....for having the conviction to have faith that it was all leading somewhere... blind faith.

So what do I love about him? He loves the outdoors, he has 3 tents and a jeep. He's travelled, he will eat anything, he likes to run and wants to encourage me to be active.. he loves my body and tells me I'm beautiful every chance he can... he cooks for me and appreciates when I cook for him. He's incredibly patient with me and can read me.. in fact he told me that he's loved me for a little while but knew he couldn't tell me cause he would scare me... and I knew that.. that's why I knew I had to tell him first. because I knew that he would wait.. wait til I caught up with the feeling he was feeling... so its crazy that the feeling of being IN LOVE Happened on the same day for us.

So..  I am in love, head over heels in love.
(February 16th)

the fear of dying.

I wouldn't say that I am scared of dying... in fact I think that I have come to terms with the idea that one day, whenever that may be.. I will die. But, in terms of other people dying... I think that although on an intellectual level I know that I have survived my mother's death... and I am a stronger person for it.. it took me 7 years to get to this point... and I am scared... terrified of losing someone else.

Its been a consistent trend in my life for a while now.... I am fully aware that i have done things in my life to protect myself... to not let people love me.. and this whole transition has been in awareness of that fact, and in hopes of changing it.... of letting someone in, of letting the people already in my life in.. and letting them love me... I think I am finally geting to that point, where I feel secure in most of my friendships.... but I know that the theme of my adult life still holds on to some of who I am.

I am completely confronted with that experience now.

J's dad had a stroke on Monday night... and on Tuesday morning, J came to see me after the night shift, and while he was waiting for me to drive me to school he got the call. When I got into the car I knew something was wrong.

The thought of his dad having a stroke didn't much faze me.. in fact I found myself thinking that everything MUST be ok. I told him I didn't know how he was in times of crisis, and asked if he wanted my company, or not. He told me he wanted it.... so we went home, I made him breakfast, took care of the dog got in touch with his brother on his behalf, and we headed out to the hospital.

I stayed my distance at first... considering this was the first time I was going to meet his father... he was upset that these were the circumstances.. and I didn't know how his father would feel. My best friend warned me that this was going to rock his world to see his father in this condition... a sound warning.

I have become so detached from the feeling of being so close to someone that the fear of them dying shakes your core... in fact I would almost say that if anyone died in my life... it would be difficult but I know I have the strength and confiction to get through it.. to survive....

I poked my head into the ICU rom for a moment to ask if J wanted a coffee and introduced myself to his father's gf, asked her about the salad I had made her... and if she wanted a coffee... and went and got it. When I came back, I came in to get the coffee and ended up standing behind J... I didn't know if I should stay or leave.... and asked him.. and he said I could stay. The speach pathologist came by.... and you could tell that it was incredibly frustrating for everyone.. how slow she spoke, how primitive her language was, and how she kept pointing to things, speaking clear and loud so that J's father could try to understand... you could tell the boys were more anoyed at this experience than understanding what was going on.. and in listening to their conversation acted as though everything was ok.. talking to their father as though he would understand everything.. and when he seemed to get confused or frustrated.... they would just repeat themselves...

I could feel the frustration from all parties.. the strain...

and then his father asked who I was.

I wanted to make the experience as basic and as relaxed (the opposite of frustrating) as possible... giving him basic answers to everyuthing... not going into details when he asked where I was from I told him the city I lived in. When he asked what I was doing in school I told him what I wanted to be... simple... and he would throw words out that made no sense... you could tell that his understanding was limited and his ability to communicate was limited... and you could tell this was as far from comfortable as the man had been in years.

I felt bad, that he would know he met me in this state... but at the end of the day, I knew that me being there was more important that formalities, and insecurities around who we portray as people.

J and I took the long way home... he ended up showing me where he grew up and shared a little more of himself with me. He ended up asking me about my biological father... and I told him the story.

We got home and finally the experience hit him... I let him cry and just held him, something I absolutely admire about him... I let him experience the fear, and the worry. and we went to sleep.

3 hours later I got up, and did the homework that I had to do... then made him dinner and woke him up. I asked him what he needed and he told me
"just you, just lots of you"

I'm not sure if I can even let that REALLY sit with me.. to accept the fact that in one of the most life altering experiences of his life.. he wanted me...

He was so thankful for me... and I felt so good to feel like I was helping, that I was making his life just a little bit easier.

Tiem to go to work came... and I told him what I thought... that he didn't need the stress of not having money while this was going on... and that I understodd the need, and want to stay in, to get drunk or stoned and just try to pretend like it didn't happen.. but life happens, and we must keep trucking along.. that I knew the tunnel that trying to run from that feeling has on your life... and I encouraged him to go to work, but told him it wa ultimately his own decision.

He thanked me.. and decided to go...

As he was geting ready the feeling that was under the surface for him bubbled up, the fear of his father dying and of him ultimately not being where he wanted to be in life.
Its weird trying to comfort someone you care so deeply for, in a situation that you have experienced in your life, as a child... to see how difficult it is... and to know that you have already passed the test.. you have experienced the fear... and walked through it... and before there was anyone else to comfort you...

I sincerely hope that this will encourage him to follow his dreams more... push him, as opposed to negatively impact his movement forward... adversity has both options... one lands you in a more grown stage, the other in one that you will regret.

This morning he woke me up by kissing me all over.. .hugging me and cuddling with me... he made me breakfast and took care of me.

He got a call that told him that his dad was much better and that although he wa putting in a few random words from time to time... he was headed for a full recovery...

After I let him experience the relief I was hugging him and I started to cry. I didn't know why.

He kept asking and I just couldn't open my mouth... and he finally said "you don't have to tell me" I told him I didn't know.. and then after a few minutes I hypothesized.

I told him that I think I was scared. .scared that he would have to go through what I've been through... scared for his father and for his family.. and that I am so relieved that I am experiencing that fear... that I was soo sorry for him to go through this experience.... I think there's more there.. there's the loving him part.

I am completely confronted with my love for him.... I love him... but I'm not IN LOVE with him.. .yet... but then I ask myself.... the feeling i feel, the way he makes me feel is more than anything I have EVER experienced... I feel like I am perfect in his eyes... and I am experiencing feeling that way about myself.... its an intense, scary feeling.

a little while later he was hugging me and said "you know what I was saying the other day when I said you needed a family? you do.. you need a husband and children to love you. "

his recognition of this fact.. of the deepest desire of my heart... of my own family was pretty soul bearing... and I hugged him and started to cry. "yes... I do.. but I'm so scared they are going to die"

I am so scared of falling in love... of having something stronger than the attachment I had with my mother... and of losing that.

I am so scared of letting myself be in love.

I have ben aware for a few years now, of how I run from love... intellectually I understand myself and my limitations... but to ask yourself what you are FEELING.. and to be aware.. that the feeling you are experiencing is in fact the result of that desire... and that fear is something almost ironic.

To be so aware that I am standing on a cliff, a cliff where I can keep myself at a distance... and never be fully in love... where I can remain separate... not attached.. .and then, if it happens... it will be easier for me to get over .. or to jump.. to know that I cannot control the future.. that the future will unfold just as it will.... and that letting myself the opportunity of experiencing that pain... is letting myself experience that profound love too.

Its weird to be so aware of your hangups... to be so addicted to the hardships of life that its uncomfortable to start letting things be easier.. of having someone in your life that completely validates who you are... and how unique and special you are.

He's scared too... but I'm more scared.... and we both can feel it.

A few days ago I asked him if I was his girlfriend and he said he can't say that yet because he feels like I am holding back... I agreed...

But this morning he said something about me being his girlfriend... I reiterated. And... as a sign of the times.. in high technological fashion... changed my status on Facebook. But still, I did not put his name... like I still need the space between us...

I want to be able to trust him, to trust myself...

I think one of the things that comes up for me is the idea that he can't possibly be the one.. I was wrong once before.. and the idea of having found the man that I want to grow old with.. to have babies with.. to love and be loved.

I think that he can't possibly be the one... and I don't want to lead him on.. or make him feel that I feel that way.. If I still don't know... but as per usual I am getting way ahead of myself. and things can change....

the thought that keeps running through my head is the idea that my mother could never choose. She never chose.. and as a result was always looking... what if I choose?? not that I am going to do that right now... but what if that was a possibility with THIS man? for me to CHOOSE him.

Everytime I get into a feeling like he couldn't possibly be the one.. I look at everything he is.. and he is EVERYTHING I ever asked the universe for... the only thing that isn't there is stability, financial stability. That's it. But that can come.

So I guess what is confronting is if this could be the one... and there would be no more looking, what else am I going to focus my life on? When that has been my number #1 focus for my entire life... what else will I take on? Where else can I grow... its a daunting task... but one I know will be incredibly fulfilling.

We will however see... I guess right now I just wish that I could let him in fully.... let myself be inlove with him.. in the face of the unpredictable future.. in the face of having my heart, or his heart broken. Letting him in, letting that space in me fill up with gratitude and love.... letting myself fall.

Day 126... reflection

The second date that J and I went on I told him that I believe that a relationship should be there to be a reflection in our lives so we can grow as people. Nothing could be more true of him and I. Last night we started talking about money. Something that I know I am bad at managing, but have never taken on the necessary tasks to learn and manage my finances, and my whole life it has remained alone of the sore spots in my life. And like everything its very difficult to be honest about behaviour that you are not proud of.

Last night I found myself stressed about J's financial situation, trying to figure out how to help him, knowing that I was in no position to teach, or help, but wanting desperately for him to be financially stable.

While I was stressed out I told him, he asked what he could say that would make me feel better, and I told him I needed to be reminded that he's an adult and that this is not my responsibility and he's going to be fine. He reiterated, but then we got to talking.

How do 2 completely different people with completely different lives end up in relatively the same circumstances financially? I wanted to know how he got here... and as he told me I realized my stress was not about him perse, but rather was a reflection of my own feeling of inadequacy in terms of not having money saved up, and all the times I have spent money in a lackadaisical manner.

The art of money... the art of money does not come naturally you need to be taught, and I have never been. I was raised by a very smart woman who didn't know the first thing about money... and I am an emotionally driven person that uses money in that sense, but money is not emotional and life relies on being able to manage your finances, so you can do the things you want to and not spend every day stressing about it.

I think at first J felt attacked, and felt more stressed about me asking about his financial situation, but I think once I clarified and told him I am the same way... he felt a little better.

I realized last night that now that I have gotten a hold of my relationship life, my ability to be in a relationship, I must now start tackling the other areas in my life that aren't working, and like admitting to myself that I was hurting myself with sex, I have to admit that I am hurting myself with money and start getting practical with it.

Its really difficult to open the door on the not so nice things of your life.... its incredibly confronting, except my drive is that I want to be a balanced person for the sake of my future children. I want the misguided irresponsible things to stop with me, so my children can learn these lessons earlier. I am aware, then, that I must change, I must learn, in order to be able to teach them.. which unfortunately means lifting the veil, and being completely honest with myself.

I spend money on ridiculous things, I don't think about it then stress, always stress out about not having enough money at the end of the month.

Its a cycle that I have been on since I was little. I made a pact with J last night that I was going to save every receipt from this month so I can actually look at where I am spending my money. So having in front of me, will allow me to be honest so that things can change. And I thought that I had fixed everything! ha!

On another note... I have fallen more in love with J over the past week. Every time I feel like I am bumping up against a wall, I share and our relationship gets deeper.

There was a point after my cry last week, that we were kissing, and I felt myself in my head strategizing, thinking about how to kiss, how soft, how hard, what I should do, where I should put my hands etc. I caught myself not being int he moment with hm, but rather in my head with planning out and controlling the experience. Once I caught myself I tried to bring my energy back in to my body, I focused on my heart, but every time I felt the energy starting to shift it was like It would bang up against this closed gate that would say "hell no, you are not coming here". After trying a few attempts I had to finally ask myself what was going on... and to my surprise I found myself responding that I was scared.

I grew very sad, very quickly in realizing that I had built up this cushion around my heart, in order to protect myself, and although I was wanting that care, and love to enter, I was scared of letting someone in enough that they could actually hurt me by leaving.... My eyes welled up with the sadness, that my soul was scared to be loved.

There are moment I feel so sad for myself.. not in a pity sense but just sad that I have never had someone make me feel this way... and yet, there was a moment yesterday where I hugged J and said "can you imagine some people NEVER feel this way? How lucky I am to be at a place in my life where I can accept this kind of love and affection in my life!

So anyways, after I let the tears run down my face... and let myself be sad, I felt this door unlock and I felt like I could move back into my heart, grounded and more available for him.

I have basically spent a week here, sleeping over every night, and I have run up against a few of these walls in that time, but every time I just share what's going on for me, allow myself the space to feel what I am feeling, and in so doing each time the gate seems to unlock and we can move forward.

I am letting him love me. And I am letting myself love him.

I tried to explain the feeling I was experiencing at one point when again I found myself up against a "gate" and the only way I could explain it was this:
"It feels like there's this void in my solar plexus, like an empty space, and the closer we get it feels like that space is getting full...but that space is empty because of my mother dying. And once she died I felt like it would never get full again, that space inside me was lost forever... and I've come to terms with that... but here he is, and he threatens that emptiness, and that scares me.... because all of a sudden the space is getting full... and well the repercussions of that is the fear of getting attached..

I suppose the art of love is letting someone in but not getting too attached or dependent... but allowing yourself the enjoyment, being giving and caring of yourself... and allowing yourself to know that whatever happens you will be ok... to not protect yourself at the detriment of your never feeling that way again.

So I'm letting him in... and I am falling in love with him, and he is with me. Sex hasn't come yet, but I want to be responsible about this, and the first thing to that is getting tested, so that we both don't have to worry about anything else besides sex and our innate ability to be able to make babies.

But I will tell you this not only do we compliment each other in most areas of our lives, but we compliment each other sexually. I feel incredibly comfortable and safe around him, and that shows in our sexual intimacy. For the first time in my life I let go last night, and let him pleasure me, enjoy my body and bring me to the height or orgasm that I have never felt before.

I let go and for the first time in my life I experienced why they call an orgasm in french "le petit mort".

I heard once that an orgasm was called that because your bodies chemical reaction is the same thing you feel when you die. and you, in the throws of an orgasm are closer to death than you will ever be. In letting go last night, I felt that feeling, and my whole body couldn't move after, I was out of my body, I was among the stars.

It was a freeing feeling. Something I have longed for my whole life.

And in his beautiful intuitive way after he kept touching my body rubbing me, bringing me back down. I lay there for a good while just bringing myself back into my body... and fell asleep. It was perfect.

It's scary letting yourself go. Its scary giving up the things that you have held onto your whole life (or at least a good part of it) to feel protected... but the shear freedom that comes from letting those things go in the space of someone who is safe.. being as my therapist would say discerning.. about the situation... you free yourself to tackle the next thing.

I don't know where this relationship will end up, and only time will tell, but J is a very very special person to me... in a  way my angel, and his presence gives me the strength to continue on this journey and take on my life.

Now I just have to pry myself away for long enough that I keep the rest of my life in tact. Now I need to incorporate balance in the other areas of my life so that I continue to grow and become the balanced person I want to be.....

the art of falling. day 120

So since Jan23, when I wrote the last post, things have changed. I think the moment happened when I was sad this weekend, hormonal, and hung over I found myself really sad about my step father and not being able to have him in my life. I want to fix this so badly, but unlike other stories you hear of people who are in fights with their family and don't talk to them for years, I'm not in a fight... I just decided that I can't keep trying to get them to want me in their life.... that's it. no anger... in fact I have alot of compassion for them and what has had to happen in their lives to become the people they are.

Sadly though at the end of the day there is nothing I can do. I have written a few letters, trying to explain my perspective, in the hopes that perhaps just knowing my interpretation of things, my story may help to clarify why I behaved the way I did in certain circumstances.... that they may be holding onto with the idea that I am an aweful person... but everytime I'm finished one of those letters I feel like there's no point in sending it, because all they would read was that I was attacking them... trying to make excuses. They wouldn't see that I am trying to fix things while still respecting myself.... and so there I would be... again.. trying to convince them that I am worth having, keeping and loving.

It occured to me, laying in J's arms, that that isn't love. for the first time I realize that they don't love me... because they don't know what love is. Real love is not with all these limits and expectations... love is just because you are. The sad thing is that for years I have felt, unconsciously like "if this is what love is, then I don't want it anymore...." Its freeing to realize that love is not that.... and that its worse telling yourself that someone loves you even though they are treating you like crap..... than just telling yourself they don't love you.... the trick is you have to not take it personally like its something you did wrong... its just their nature.... and your constant attempt to put the past in the past and forgive them when they didn't even say sorry, is unfortunately wasting time..... its freeing but sad... because I miss my home, I miss the property, the silence, the rain in the tin roof... I miss my home.... the smell of the dew, the mist in the valley, the fireflies... I miss my home....

So.... I was laying on J's bed, in his arms, sad. Just sad. All of a sudden this feeling of giving in, letting go, succumbing to the universe, stopping resisting, peace, groundedness came over me..  and it said... "let go...be sad, when was the last time you had someone hold you and care about you when you were feeling like this...just let him. let him care. " and i let the tears come to my eyes while I thought of how much I miss my family and my home... and how desperately I wish I could have them in my life... "

I told J is very few words... just that I was sad... and that I wish I could fix it... and he said you know this is not our fault.. not to sound cliche but you know that scene in Will Hunting when Sean(Robin Williams) tells Will(Matt Damon) that it's not his fault.... well I had a very minor experience of that...

Since I first saw that movie I had so much compassion for Will's character.. and I understood that it wasn't his fault, and that he needed to hear it.... it made complete sense to me that he thought it was his fault... and needed to break that inside him, let that go, realize that he was wonderful and that he didn't ask for the circumstances of his life... that it wasn't his fault... and that emotion that he envokes in the audience, when he finally gives in and lets himself realize that its not his fault, that there's nothing he couls have done to change or fix what happened to him.... when he cries, and lets all the pain go...

well I had a small moment of that... where J said "its not your fault..." and said it again.... and I felt like it wasn't my fault.... and the guilt, for a split second was gone...


Laying in his arms, letting myself cry, and him just trying to comfort me.... for the first time since my mother died... to be held and have the safety of crying.... how much I miss that... how much gratitude I have for being able to experience that feeling inside again.

The little girl inside me is jumping up and down, and is so excited about this relationship.. although I am emotionally not getting too attached, or have many expectations.. just that the little girl, my soul.... is celebrating that I am finally able to let someone in...

and so the walls have started falling and I am letting J in.... trusting him with a little more of me. Feeling more secure... not being so serious, and analytical... just allowing myself to enjoy his company and watch the relationship create itself without any planning... just organically... What a weird feeling... to not try to manipulate this relationship... to not plan, or think of all the different outcomes... just to let it be, to let me be, to let him be... and enjoy.

For years, when my friends told me strategies, rules, books told me I was texting too much, that I needed to let them come to me, that I needed to play a passive role... I interpreted them as rules... and I would feel guilty when I would break them... always telling myself that I am stupid for texting him again... for telling him too much about me too soon... but my argument was always that I want to find someone who just likes me for me.... even if I text too much, or say too much.. that I just want to be me... I want him to know who I am when he meets me... and for me to know him... no bullshit, worried that you can't say this or that within a certain time frame... you can't do this or that.... I told my friends that I don't believe I should be anyone different in order to date a guy.... then I would be myself, get rejected and think.. man maybe I should listen to them... maybe there are rules to follow on purpose... maybe if I just followed them.

Well... I couldn't do it.. I couldn't follow the rules... I couldn't be someone I'm not.... and I found someone who just likes me for me.. I feel 110% fully self expressed... its amazing... I feel more secure in this relationship right now than ever in my last one. That I can say what ever I want... and he doesn't take it personally, he just lets me be me.. and I just let him be him... or atleast I'm trying :P

I took this course when I was 20 and it made an enormous impact in my life, but at 20 I didn't understand the depths to how important self expression is... I thought that I should just be that way with the people in my life... but some don't create the space to do that... and so you don't have to stay, and fix it.. go find someone that loves you for all the things you think, and do... all the things that you think are faults... be fully self expressed....

J lets me be me... and when I am, he likes me even more... its the most incredible feeling.

The other thing that I like about J is that I have this ability to know when something, a thought, an energy about you has changed, especially when we're intimate... and most guys or people for that matter, when you ask them "what's wrong, what are you thinking..." they respond by saying "nothing"... and deny deny deny... but there you are thinking, "no something is wrong.... something is off" and the other person continues to deny it... and then you feel stupid, or off or something close to that...

Well with J when I feel something shift... or change and I know he's really racking his brain... thinking... analzing...I ask him.. "what's wrong, what are you thinking.. something just changed." and he tells me what he's thinking... and sometimes I can even say to him "well stop worrying about that... you have no reason to feel bad...."

I'll give you an example... last night he was working until 3am, and I had to go to school at 10:30, I told him if he wanted me to sleep over that he had to come pick me up... and go back to his place so he could walk the dog because he's been not walking her enough since he met me.... so I went to sleep early, with the understanding he was going to wake me up around 2:30 or 3 am to go to his place... when he finally called it was 4am and I was not in the best moods... I went over to his place and was pretty cranky... and told him that I probably won't be able to do this again.. because it was too much for me...

instantly I felt something change in him and asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he felt selfish for waking me up that he should have just let me sleep and he was sorry.. and because he told me honestly I was able to say to him "well that's silly, don't feel bad, I wanted to come... but I tried it out and its probably not a great idea next time... it has nothing to do with you... just how exhausted I am... please don't worry about it.. I would have been more upset if you hadn't come and picked me up.. we made a plan... we tried it out.. it didn't work... but I'm happy I'm here right now." and because he shared, I shared, and he no longer was beating himself up... and we could enjoy the rest of the time together.

When we finally went to bed at one point my lips were so close to his, and he still wouldn't kiss me.... I should tell you that up until now I just kiss him goodbye.. a quick peck that I initiated... and we haven't kissed properly yet for 2 reasons... one, I wasn't ready, and since I've been, he hasn't initiated it.. and I really wanted him to initiate it. So I was laying there and i said "you're silly." He started asking what I meant by that and I told him that I wasn't going to give him all the answers that he had to figure somethings on his own..at first he went to bad things.. and asked me if I was mad that he took so long to walk the dog.. and I said "of course not... but I'm not going to answer this one... that he had to figure it on his own.... and after a couple minutes.. he leaned in and kissed me.. and we kissed... and kissed... and then I told him he got it right... at first I was dissapointed that I had to sort of prompt him.. but after thinking about it, I know he hasn't learned how to read me just yet, and I would rather that he doesn't try when I'm not ready.... for me to have to say no and get scared.. I would rather teach him, when I am ready, so I can be ready and enjoy. So we kissed...

the funny thing... there was a point when he put his tongue in my mouth, which I hate and I told him.. and when he stopped that the kiss was awesome.

and tonight it happened again... and with his confidence building about being secure in this relationship and not pushing me... he was able to kiss me properly... with his whole self... and it was awesome.

I can't even begin to describe how different this feeling is... he's just perfect for me.. we are so similar I understand what goes on in his head, and he's learning about me..

I am feeling this intense turning of the energy inside me.. from pointing outwards, wondering what people are thinking and doing.. to be internal, focusing on myself and getting in touch with experience.. rather than thoughts.... I feel a turning in... a powerful turn in, where I am the center of my own universe and that I create the things around me.... that I am finally respecting myself... finally appreciating myself, fnally loving myself... and J is an expression of that.

it's amazing.

dating.. the fear of finding what you want.

2 weeks ago I would have told you that all I want is someone who is attentive, caring, thoughtful and interesting, intelligent, experienced, lovely.... and now that I have potentially found that I find myself hesitating, ncomfortable, irritated, annoyed.... its the most bizarre experience.

My brother reminded me today that we only grow when we are feeling uncomfortable and J does exactly that... he challenges me, to be great.

I met him 2 weeks ago, he wrote me on fb, and asked to meet me. He showed up at my house with a jeep, my favorite vehicle... we went for coffee and talked for 5 hours. There was one thing that came up in that first meeting that had me apprehensive.. simply put he doesn't exactly believe what I believe.... and I found myself focusing on that... and not on all the other things we spoke about...

The next day I had a crisis, I found myself wanting to see the guy that had completely disregarded me for the past month, the guy that had stood me up and didn't have any time for me... and with J, well, he had asked if I would come over and I was completely confronted about it... I asked myself why do I want to hang out with some one who doesn't want me and not want to hang out with someone who does? What is wrong with me??

After talking to my cousin and my room mate I decided to not force myself... but still felt frustrated with myself.... that I was stopping myself in some way.

The next day, after debating for hours I invited him to hang out with me... and he jumped at the chance, over beers I ended up being completely honest with him and told him that I was hesitant about him because I believe relationships are there for you to grow and I don't want to date someone who I am constantly trying to defend what I believe in, as opposed to growing from the insights I have already had in my life... and learning.. moving forward. He reminded me that he wasn't opposed to what I believe in, he was simply curious... Of which I was reminded and told him that's why we are on a second date.

I felt that perhaps I had told him too much, but that I absolutely hate how in relationships when 2 people aren't honest with what's going on in their heads, the other person speculates but can never know, and then there are misunderstandings, misinterpretations and miscommunication. It was important for me that he knew what I was struggling with in continuing to date him, and that it wasn't that he wasn't a great person, or nice, or anything else....

After telling him, I felt alot more relieved about getting to know him further... because now he knew where I stood. He knew my primary concern.

It has since occured to me that unlike myself, he was raised in a very religious family, and the evolution of his belief structure had him question everything he had been taught as a kid and stepping outside of those beliefs challenges your family dynamics as well as your belief structure... and to have patience.



He asked me if he could do something cheesy with him on Monday, and so, knowing that I was struggling with allowing him in my life, I agreed. He took me to glow in the dark mini put, for sushi and then to his place to watch movies.... our conversation completely flowed over the course of the day, and we had so much in common, and yet I found I could barely look at him at all, to connect on any other level felt really uncomfortable. I found myself  to just be with him, and not judge him by his looks or the little things that annoyed me about him, some of which I am very aware are things that I hate about myself.. and so it sort of makes sense that I would find them frustrating in another person as well... primarily his goofiness, his foolishness and his insecurity... its weird to be aware of your own foolishness and limitations and still relate to them and struggle against them.

We have since hung out almost every day since then, and I consistently enjoy his company, the more I hang out with him, the more I like him, and yet there is this part of me that is trying to find as many things wrong with him as possible...

The other day he asked me about this test I took, and I found myself getting annoyed with him. I caught myself in the moment, realizing that I said it was fine with  "fuck off" undertone... and I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I appreciate that he's concerned and that he's asking me about it, but that I am annoyed.. and it makes no sense... that there's nothing to fix, its just difficult for me to have someone pay that much attention to me, and to be that interested in me... it was a weird experience... its a weird experience.

I feel like I have been asking for this for so long, the universe is giving it to me and saying "are you sure?" and I don't know if I am sure.

I am so scared to be intimate with him.. I have only given him 4 good bye kisses... short closed mouth kisses.... and that's all I can do. My brother said that up until this point sex has been a way of me getting something and that if I get to a point with him where I am being intimate sex will become an expression of how I feel, and it will be the most amazing experience. That I am challenging myself to allow the drama to subside and to let someone good into my life.

Its so frustrating to get hung up on stupid things like looks or expressions... my past has taught me that looks are not important.. and yet here I am challenged and struggling.

He told me that I am amazing.. that I just let him be himself and that he has never met someone who can keep up to him intellectually... that he just feels comfortable with me.. and that he really really likes me.

what people think - day 102

So basically today I feel ridden with anxiety.... just this pressure in my chest, its the same pressure you get when you are worried about an assignement or presentation, that you aren't good enough, its where the heaviness of life weighs on your chest.

I'm really restless today with no motivation.. and I am trying to find something to distract me, but I have no motivation to move to find that distraction... I have no TV shows I want to watch, no movies I want to watch... I don't want to get out of bed.. I'm just here, in bed... wishing that it would all just end.... just poof, I'd be gone and I don't have to go through this....

I can't even tell you how hard this is...

and all I can think of is how nice it would be to have someone to call right now to sleep with... just let all the energy in my body have an outlet in another human being... connection... intimate connection... its killing me to not have that right now.

This whole experience is crazy... wanting to have sex soo badly but having the conviction to never sleep with someone who doesn't care about me again is sooo hard.. I have been tempted, but I just can't sell out on myself... its insane... like I'm pulling myself in 2 different directions.... and its so difficult to face decisions you've made as a kid and make different ones... like not letting things progress to sex, just cause you are in a bed with an attractive drunk man... to say no is a whole new experience for me... to stop the progress....

basically I have recently been getting a lesson in letting things just run their natural course.... which is so far beyond my comfort zone..  I have this part of me that thinks that guys are retarded.. and so if I let them control the situation we'll never get any where.... but then I've realized that my problem is that I will always meet you half way... always... but I'm always the first one out of the starting gates... so I move my 50% and when you don't move yours I try and compensate so I'll move 70, 80, 90 till I'm at 100% and you don't have to do anything for the relationship and I feel completely ripped off.

So I'm trying to be self disciplined and letting people come to me.... but when they don't its such an awful feeling... I feel deserted like there's something wrong with me.... it's soooo difficult.

The moments I feel like someone doesn't like me, I immediately want to know why... why do they not like me.. what about me is bad... so I can fix it... I am basically trying to fix myself 100% of the day and its exhausting... the only time that I am not is when I'm drunk and dancing...

I care so much what people think about me that I've been noticing in big groups I just want to sit in the corner and talk to one or 2 people... because the anxiety gets so strong, its no longer 1 or 2 people judging you.. its 10 or 20.... its unbelievably frustrating.

Last week I ended up recounting what my childhood was like in terms of friends, to one of my friends... you know after a while it becomes just a story you tell people, with no emotional attachment.. well this time I actually was remembering the feeling... how it felt to be me as a child... and it was sooo awful.

I HATED recess... with a passion, I would do what ever I could to not have to go out for recess.. I never had friends.. and I used to get tormented on the school yard.. in grade 3 I got beat up... its really crazy to actually think that that happened to me... kids were vicious to me... well atleast that's what I remember.. and I was really smart too, so I used to get teased for that.. I was poor so I got teased for that.. my mom would make me tuna sandwiches and soup and I'd get teased for that... I was always bigger than the other kids so I got teased for that... then I just got teased cause kids had nothing else to do with their time.. I HATED school, other than the learning.. I loved the learning...

anyways, without getting into too much detail... I never had a close friend until grade 9 and then she ditched me... I thought I had a close friend in this guy that I had a crush on for all of high school, but i found out in OAC that he had lied to people in grade 10 and 11 about us even being friends... so.. truthfully it hasn't been until the past couple of years that I actually felt secure in any relationship in my life...

yup... that's basically it... as far as I'm concerned.. there is something terribly wrong with me... and all I have ever wanted to be is cool... so I don't stick out so much, so that people won't just desert me cause I'm not cool... that's always been my goal.. to be one of the cool kids... oddly enough no matter what I've done... I have NEVER been that cool kid.... and most likely because I am soooo concerned with being odd and weird, and having people judge me... I am rarely just myself.

I don't embrace my own uniqueness, and love that I am different.. I don't want to be different.

I can't even really articulate what its like to worry all the time about what people think about you... strangers on the street even.. its so crazy. I'm starting to be aware of how rediculous it is... not only to think people are judging me... but that it even matters... but there it is.. every day... this tormenting in my head, and I am trying to change... I am trying to fix myself so that it'll go away...

But now intellectually I am identifying that I can't fix myself... there are things that will evolve.. but that who I am is fundamentally perfectly flawed... even though I am starting to recognize that... I am still bombarded with these thoughts... feelings, anxieties...

and lets be honest.. when my go-to escape from these feelings was always sex... not having it is allowing the pressure to build.. forcing me to feel this pain.. and its SOOOO UNCOMFORTABLE... I mean... I would do anything to not feel this feeling in my body right now... its stuck there, like a piece of me.

When i breathe into the pressure it dissipates for the duration of my breath.. and then its there again.

stupid feelings of inadequacy!

I know that its completely illogical.. but here I am, obsessed.. and it stops me in my life it stops me from having fun.. it stops me in so many things... because of that feeling I'm sure I judge other people because I constatnly feel judged. its  a defense.. I totally am self defeating, I'll make jokes about myself.. just to beat other people there so it doesn't hurt as much... its all so rediculous... and knowing that its rediculous doesn't change the fact that here I am... still doing it... I just want to NOT CARE about what people think of me... or atleast be able to take it for what it is.... oh stupid balance.


On another note... or the same, depending on how you look at it... I went on a date last night with this really nice guy... quite sweet... I could see us getting to know eachother better... but where I fall short in thinking that the relationship could go any further is the fact that he doesn't yet believe what I believe in. 5 years and I have only met 2 men that I was attracted to that believed in what I believe in... I can't even tell you how frustrating that is...

I have recently come up with my own hypothesis about the evolution of belief structure... because for some reason I feel that what I believe in is the next step to most people's belief evolution.. and its not that I think what I believe is necessarily better.. its just I guess the truth... and even though that's hard for me to admit... that's what I think... because I find it wrong that religions push their beliefs on people and say... mine is better than yours.. mine is right, yours is wrong..

I guess I just don't want to be part of that mentality.. but I guess I will take a moment to explain why I think what I believe in is right.... because it embraces all the great things about all the religions around the world, love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light, oneness... and lets all the crappy stuff go, all the stuff about guilt, and fear, and eternal damnation... what I believe in is the light.

So because of this, my hypothesis is this about the evolution of western beliefs.

Most of us are raised in some sort of religion, Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Muslim.... what I know about each religion is besides that these religions all have love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light and oneness at their core... they have been bombarded and limited through rules, power structures, fear, sin, by a method of mysticism... ironically, most of it is ridiculous  mysticism... and we are mesmerized, because we connect with something about the religion.. because of course at its foundation is the truth... but in order to get to the truth we are lied to... and told that its limited, and that we have to do all these things to get to it...

We are told that we are constantly judged by this man in the sky... and especially as children we believe in this so much it terrifies us... and for some this fear never ceases. but for some, the veil starts to drop and we start questioning this belief structure.. like something doesn't fit... this can't be all of it.. that some people have a monopoly on love and acceptance.. on god.

For me I don't think I ever believed in God in the regular terms of God, I remember as a very young child believing in what i believe now... and not exactly being sure where that belief came from... but the monopoly made no sense, the judgement by the devine, the rules, and eternal hell made no sense, and so from a very young age I felt different with no arsenal to defend what I believed in.... but back to my hypothesis.. when people start questioning the beliefs that have been enstilled in them from their childhood a great sense of feeling ripped off, being duped, being lied to becomes sooo strong and many of us then become what is termed athiest... when our intellect gets ahead of our intution all that belongs to religion seems rediculous... and the man at the top.. in the sky seems so retarded we tend to disrgard all the other great parts of religion.. because if the basis for the religion... god, ala, etc couldn't possibly exist....

So then there must be nothing.

I feel that many athiests tend to be as passionate about their non-beliefs and those that believe.. and many go out of their way to fight for what they believe in, because, I believe it comes from a  place of wanting to wake other people up to the rediculousness of religion.... and many people get stuck here...

and then there's the agnostic path... sometimes this comes before atheism and again after... but always after. Where in life things happen... things we can't explain, we start having moments where our intution saves us, we meet people that we feel we know... we know that something bad is going to happen before it does... what ever it is.. there are moments in our life that make us question whether there really is NOTHING... and we start feeling like there must be SOMETHING.. we just don't know what that is...

this transition is incredibly difficult.... because believing in NOTHING is easier than believing in SOMETHING... because if you believe in something.. most of us need evidence.. we need hard evidence.. I believe this is because we are so terrified of getting duped again.. which many people do on this side of the journey.. by other people that are manipulators, like those at the top of religions... there are people that will use our innate connection with the devine to make money, without knowing the truth... and so we are all very wary of getting lied to again.. and so how does one sift through all the lies.. to find the truth?

I have gotten in the habit of just trying on what people say... just sitting with it for a moment and asking myself if it resonates with me.. does it make sense on a fundamental level for me... and if it does I take it with me on my journey.. and if it doesn't I discard it... somethings I have discarded originally and as my understanding expands there's a new foundation to embrace explanations once thought rediculous in my own head...

But regardless of the beliefs you establish in your own life... its a constant struggle between questioning whether you are being duped again.. and right now, the fact that most people still don't agree with what I believe in I tend to feel crazy.... weird, and potentially wrong.

There are very few people that I have met that are at the same space in their evolution that I am.... where they are establishing their own belief structure and are constantly in a space of introspection, trying to get to the bottom of themselves, and life in general...

ITs VERY LONELY.

 So... why do I believe that I am right? Because I don't need you to agree, I don't need you to believe in what I believe in for me to have the key to heaven... I know in my heart.. that one day you will get there.. but completely on your own terms, in your own way, with your own experiences... because the truth can only lie inside.... no one can tell you the truth. There can only be people that help along the way.

So, yes loneliness.. in all my life I have met very few people that believe in what I believe in.. and most of them are older.... and men? I have only met 3 men my age that believe in what I believe in.... its so important to find a partner that I can share how difficult this journey is without being judged or assessed or thought of as crazy... so I remain single.... trying desperately to find someone to connect with... and sometimes I convince myself that I can let it go and be with someone who doesn't agree.. but I know in my heart I can't.. because its the most difficult thing in my life... and not having someone to share that experience with... its like not having someone at all... its sanitizing what I believe in... just to have a body next to me...

the balance between believing in what I believe in and not wanting to be different is sooo difficult... i just want to hide... dig a whole in the sand and go to sleep for ever.

i wish this were easier.