So since Jan23, when I wrote the last post, things have changed. I think the moment happened when I was sad this weekend, hormonal, and hung over I found myself really sad about my step father and not being able to have him in my life. I want to fix this so badly, but unlike other stories you hear of people who are in fights with their family and don't talk to them for years, I'm not in a fight... I just decided that I can't keep trying to get them to want me in their life.... that's it. no anger... in fact I have alot of compassion for them and what has had to happen in their lives to become the people they are.
Sadly though at the end of the day there is nothing I can do. I have written a few letters, trying to explain my perspective, in the hopes that perhaps just knowing my interpretation of things, my story may help to clarify why I behaved the way I did in certain circumstances.... that they may be holding onto with the idea that I am an aweful person... but everytime I'm finished one of those letters I feel like there's no point in sending it, because all they would read was that I was attacking them... trying to make excuses. They wouldn't see that I am trying to fix things while still respecting myself.... and so there I would be... again.. trying to convince them that I am worth having, keeping and loving.
It occured to me, laying in J's arms, that that isn't love. for the first time I realize that they don't love me... because they don't know what love is. Real love is not with all these limits and expectations... love is just because you are. The sad thing is that for years I have felt, unconsciously like "if this is what love is, then I don't want it anymore...." Its freeing to realize that love is not that.... and that its worse telling yourself that someone loves you even though they are treating you like crap..... than just telling yourself they don't love you.... the trick is you have to not take it personally like its something you did wrong... its just their nature.... and your constant attempt to put the past in the past and forgive them when they didn't even say sorry, is unfortunately wasting time..... its freeing but sad... because I miss my home, I miss the property, the silence, the rain in the tin roof... I miss my home.... the smell of the dew, the mist in the valley, the fireflies... I miss my home....
So.... I was laying on J's bed, in his arms, sad. Just sad. All of a sudden this feeling of giving in, letting go, succumbing to the universe, stopping resisting, peace, groundedness came over me.. and it said... "let go...be sad, when was the last time you had someone hold you and care about you when you were feeling like this...just let him. let him care. " and i let the tears come to my eyes while I thought of how much I miss my family and my home... and how desperately I wish I could have them in my life... "
I told J is very few words... just that I was sad... and that I wish I could fix it... and he said you know this is not our fault.. not to sound cliche but you know that scene in Will Hunting when Sean(Robin Williams) tells Will(Matt Damon) that it's not his fault.... well I had a very minor experience of that...
Since I first saw that movie I had so much compassion for Will's character.. and I understood that it wasn't his fault, and that he needed to hear it.... it made complete sense to me that he thought it was his fault... and needed to break that inside him, let that go, realize that he was wonderful and that he didn't ask for the circumstances of his life... that it wasn't his fault... and that emotion that he envokes in the audience, when he finally gives in and lets himself realize that its not his fault, that there's nothing he couls have done to change or fix what happened to him.... when he cries, and lets all the pain go...
well I had a small moment of that... where J said "its not your fault..." and said it again.... and I felt like it wasn't my fault.... and the guilt, for a split second was gone...
Laying in his arms, letting myself cry, and him just trying to comfort me.... for the first time since my mother died... to be held and have the safety of crying.... how much I miss that... how much gratitude I have for being able to experience that feeling inside again.
The little girl inside me is jumping up and down, and is so excited about this relationship.. although I am emotionally not getting too attached, or have many expectations.. just that the little girl, my soul.... is celebrating that I am finally able to let someone in...
and so the walls have started falling and I am letting J in.... trusting him with a little more of me. Feeling more secure... not being so serious, and analytical... just allowing myself to enjoy his company and watch the relationship create itself without any planning... just organically... What a weird feeling... to not try to manipulate this relationship... to not plan, or think of all the different outcomes... just to let it be, to let me be, to let him be... and enjoy.
For years, when my friends told me strategies, rules, books told me I was texting too much, that I needed to let them come to me, that I needed to play a passive role... I interpreted them as rules... and I would feel guilty when I would break them... always telling myself that I am stupid for texting him again... for telling him too much about me too soon... but my argument was always that I want to find someone who just likes me for me.... even if I text too much, or say too much.. that I just want to be me... I want him to know who I am when he meets me... and for me to know him... no bullshit, worried that you can't say this or that within a certain time frame... you can't do this or that.... I told my friends that I don't believe I should be anyone different in order to date a guy.... then I would be myself, get rejected and think.. man maybe I should listen to them... maybe there are rules to follow on purpose... maybe if I just followed them.
Well... I couldn't do it.. I couldn't follow the rules... I couldn't be someone I'm not.... and I found someone who just likes me for me.. I feel 110% fully self expressed... its amazing... I feel more secure in this relationship right now than ever in my last one. That I can say what ever I want... and he doesn't take it personally, he just lets me be me.. and I just let him be him... or atleast I'm trying :P
I took this course when I was 20 and it made an enormous impact in my life, but at 20 I didn't understand the depths to how important self expression is... I thought that I should just be that way with the people in my life... but some don't create the space to do that... and so you don't have to stay, and fix it.. go find someone that loves you for all the things you think, and do... all the things that you think are faults... be fully self expressed....
J lets me be me... and when I am, he likes me even more... its the most incredible feeling.
The other thing that I like about J is that I have this ability to know when something, a thought, an energy about you has changed, especially when we're intimate... and most guys or people for that matter, when you ask them "what's wrong, what are you thinking..." they respond by saying "nothing"... and deny deny deny... but there you are thinking, "no something is wrong.... something is off" and the other person continues to deny it... and then you feel stupid, or off or something close to that...
Well with J when I feel something shift... or change and I know he's really racking his brain... thinking... analzing...I ask him.. "what's wrong, what are you thinking.. something just changed." and he tells me what he's thinking... and sometimes I can even say to him "well stop worrying about that... you have no reason to feel bad...."
I'll give you an example... last night he was working until 3am, and I had to go to school at 10:30, I told him if he wanted me to sleep over that he had to come pick me up... and go back to his place so he could walk the dog because he's been not walking her enough since he met me.... so I went to sleep early, with the understanding he was going to wake me up around 2:30 or 3 am to go to his place... when he finally called it was 4am and I was not in the best moods... I went over to his place and was pretty cranky... and told him that I probably won't be able to do this again.. because it was too much for me...
instantly I felt something change in him and asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he felt selfish for waking me up that he should have just let me sleep and he was sorry.. and because he told me honestly I was able to say to him "well that's silly, don't feel bad, I wanted to come... but I tried it out and its probably not a great idea next time... it has nothing to do with you... just how exhausted I am... please don't worry about it.. I would have been more upset if you hadn't come and picked me up.. we made a plan... we tried it out.. it didn't work... but I'm happy I'm here right now." and because he shared, I shared, and he no longer was beating himself up... and we could enjoy the rest of the time together.
When we finally went to bed at one point my lips were so close to his, and he still wouldn't kiss me.... I should tell you that up until now I just kiss him goodbye.. a quick peck that I initiated... and we haven't kissed properly yet for 2 reasons... one, I wasn't ready, and since I've been, he hasn't initiated it.. and I really wanted him to initiate it. So I was laying there and i said "you're silly." He started asking what I meant by that and I told him that I wasn't going to give him all the answers that he had to figure somethings on his own..at first he went to bad things.. and asked me if I was mad that he took so long to walk the dog.. and I said "of course not... but I'm not going to answer this one... that he had to figure it on his own.... and after a couple minutes.. he leaned in and kissed me.. and we kissed... and kissed... and then I told him he got it right... at first I was dissapointed that I had to sort of prompt him.. but after thinking about it, I know he hasn't learned how to read me just yet, and I would rather that he doesn't try when I'm not ready.... for me to have to say no and get scared.. I would rather teach him, when I am ready, so I can be ready and enjoy. So we kissed...
the funny thing... there was a point when he put his tongue in my mouth, which I hate and I told him.. and when he stopped that the kiss was awesome.
and tonight it happened again... and with his confidence building about being secure in this relationship and not pushing me... he was able to kiss me properly... with his whole self... and it was awesome.
I can't even begin to describe how different this feeling is... he's just perfect for me.. we are so similar I understand what goes on in his head, and he's learning about me..
I am feeling this intense turning of the energy inside me.. from pointing outwards, wondering what people are thinking and doing.. to be internal, focusing on myself and getting in touch with experience.. rather than thoughts.... I feel a turning in... a powerful turn in, where I am the center of my own universe and that I create the things around me.... that I am finally respecting myself... finally appreciating myself, fnally loving myself... and J is an expression of that.
it's amazing.
Sadly though at the end of the day there is nothing I can do. I have written a few letters, trying to explain my perspective, in the hopes that perhaps just knowing my interpretation of things, my story may help to clarify why I behaved the way I did in certain circumstances.... that they may be holding onto with the idea that I am an aweful person... but everytime I'm finished one of those letters I feel like there's no point in sending it, because all they would read was that I was attacking them... trying to make excuses. They wouldn't see that I am trying to fix things while still respecting myself.... and so there I would be... again.. trying to convince them that I am worth having, keeping and loving.
It occured to me, laying in J's arms, that that isn't love. for the first time I realize that they don't love me... because they don't know what love is. Real love is not with all these limits and expectations... love is just because you are. The sad thing is that for years I have felt, unconsciously like "if this is what love is, then I don't want it anymore...." Its freeing to realize that love is not that.... and that its worse telling yourself that someone loves you even though they are treating you like crap..... than just telling yourself they don't love you.... the trick is you have to not take it personally like its something you did wrong... its just their nature.... and your constant attempt to put the past in the past and forgive them when they didn't even say sorry, is unfortunately wasting time..... its freeing but sad... because I miss my home, I miss the property, the silence, the rain in the tin roof... I miss my home.... the smell of the dew, the mist in the valley, the fireflies... I miss my home....
So.... I was laying on J's bed, in his arms, sad. Just sad. All of a sudden this feeling of giving in, letting go, succumbing to the universe, stopping resisting, peace, groundedness came over me.. and it said... "let go...be sad, when was the last time you had someone hold you and care about you when you were feeling like this...just let him. let him care. " and i let the tears come to my eyes while I thought of how much I miss my family and my home... and how desperately I wish I could have them in my life... "
I told J is very few words... just that I was sad... and that I wish I could fix it... and he said you know this is not our fault.. not to sound cliche but you know that scene in Will Hunting when Sean(Robin Williams) tells Will(Matt Damon) that it's not his fault.... well I had a very minor experience of that...
Since I first saw that movie I had so much compassion for Will's character.. and I understood that it wasn't his fault, and that he needed to hear it.... it made complete sense to me that he thought it was his fault... and needed to break that inside him, let that go, realize that he was wonderful and that he didn't ask for the circumstances of his life... that it wasn't his fault... and that emotion that he envokes in the audience, when he finally gives in and lets himself realize that its not his fault, that there's nothing he couls have done to change or fix what happened to him.... when he cries, and lets all the pain go...
well I had a small moment of that... where J said "its not your fault..." and said it again.... and I felt like it wasn't my fault.... and the guilt, for a split second was gone...
Laying in his arms, letting myself cry, and him just trying to comfort me.... for the first time since my mother died... to be held and have the safety of crying.... how much I miss that... how much gratitude I have for being able to experience that feeling inside again.
The little girl inside me is jumping up and down, and is so excited about this relationship.. although I am emotionally not getting too attached, or have many expectations.. just that the little girl, my soul.... is celebrating that I am finally able to let someone in...
and so the walls have started falling and I am letting J in.... trusting him with a little more of me. Feeling more secure... not being so serious, and analytical... just allowing myself to enjoy his company and watch the relationship create itself without any planning... just organically... What a weird feeling... to not try to manipulate this relationship... to not plan, or think of all the different outcomes... just to let it be, to let me be, to let him be... and enjoy.
For years, when my friends told me strategies, rules, books told me I was texting too much, that I needed to let them come to me, that I needed to play a passive role... I interpreted them as rules... and I would feel guilty when I would break them... always telling myself that I am stupid for texting him again... for telling him too much about me too soon... but my argument was always that I want to find someone who just likes me for me.... even if I text too much, or say too much.. that I just want to be me... I want him to know who I am when he meets me... and for me to know him... no bullshit, worried that you can't say this or that within a certain time frame... you can't do this or that.... I told my friends that I don't believe I should be anyone different in order to date a guy.... then I would be myself, get rejected and think.. man maybe I should listen to them... maybe there are rules to follow on purpose... maybe if I just followed them.
Well... I couldn't do it.. I couldn't follow the rules... I couldn't be someone I'm not.... and I found someone who just likes me for me.. I feel 110% fully self expressed... its amazing... I feel more secure in this relationship right now than ever in my last one. That I can say what ever I want... and he doesn't take it personally, he just lets me be me.. and I just let him be him... or atleast I'm trying :P
I took this course when I was 20 and it made an enormous impact in my life, but at 20 I didn't understand the depths to how important self expression is... I thought that I should just be that way with the people in my life... but some don't create the space to do that... and so you don't have to stay, and fix it.. go find someone that loves you for all the things you think, and do... all the things that you think are faults... be fully self expressed....
J lets me be me... and when I am, he likes me even more... its the most incredible feeling.
The other thing that I like about J is that I have this ability to know when something, a thought, an energy about you has changed, especially when we're intimate... and most guys or people for that matter, when you ask them "what's wrong, what are you thinking..." they respond by saying "nothing"... and deny deny deny... but there you are thinking, "no something is wrong.... something is off" and the other person continues to deny it... and then you feel stupid, or off or something close to that...
Well with J when I feel something shift... or change and I know he's really racking his brain... thinking... analzing...I ask him.. "what's wrong, what are you thinking.. something just changed." and he tells me what he's thinking... and sometimes I can even say to him "well stop worrying about that... you have no reason to feel bad...."
I'll give you an example... last night he was working until 3am, and I had to go to school at 10:30, I told him if he wanted me to sleep over that he had to come pick me up... and go back to his place so he could walk the dog because he's been not walking her enough since he met me.... so I went to sleep early, with the understanding he was going to wake me up around 2:30 or 3 am to go to his place... when he finally called it was 4am and I was not in the best moods... I went over to his place and was pretty cranky... and told him that I probably won't be able to do this again.. because it was too much for me...
instantly I felt something change in him and asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he felt selfish for waking me up that he should have just let me sleep and he was sorry.. and because he told me honestly I was able to say to him "well that's silly, don't feel bad, I wanted to come... but I tried it out and its probably not a great idea next time... it has nothing to do with you... just how exhausted I am... please don't worry about it.. I would have been more upset if you hadn't come and picked me up.. we made a plan... we tried it out.. it didn't work... but I'm happy I'm here right now." and because he shared, I shared, and he no longer was beating himself up... and we could enjoy the rest of the time together.
When we finally went to bed at one point my lips were so close to his, and he still wouldn't kiss me.... I should tell you that up until now I just kiss him goodbye.. a quick peck that I initiated... and we haven't kissed properly yet for 2 reasons... one, I wasn't ready, and since I've been, he hasn't initiated it.. and I really wanted him to initiate it. So I was laying there and i said "you're silly." He started asking what I meant by that and I told him that I wasn't going to give him all the answers that he had to figure somethings on his own..at first he went to bad things.. and asked me if I was mad that he took so long to walk the dog.. and I said "of course not... but I'm not going to answer this one... that he had to figure it on his own.... and after a couple minutes.. he leaned in and kissed me.. and we kissed... and kissed... and then I told him he got it right... at first I was dissapointed that I had to sort of prompt him.. but after thinking about it, I know he hasn't learned how to read me just yet, and I would rather that he doesn't try when I'm not ready.... for me to have to say no and get scared.. I would rather teach him, when I am ready, so I can be ready and enjoy. So we kissed...
the funny thing... there was a point when he put his tongue in my mouth, which I hate and I told him.. and when he stopped that the kiss was awesome.
and tonight it happened again... and with his confidence building about being secure in this relationship and not pushing me... he was able to kiss me properly... with his whole self... and it was awesome.
I can't even begin to describe how different this feeling is... he's just perfect for me.. we are so similar I understand what goes on in his head, and he's learning about me..
I am feeling this intense turning of the energy inside me.. from pointing outwards, wondering what people are thinking and doing.. to be internal, focusing on myself and getting in touch with experience.. rather than thoughts.... I feel a turning in... a powerful turn in, where I am the center of my own universe and that I create the things around me.... that I am finally respecting myself... finally appreciating myself, fnally loving myself... and J is an expression of that.
it's amazing.
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