The second date that J and I went on I told him that I believe that a relationship should be there to be a reflection in our lives so we can grow as people. Nothing could be more true of him and I. Last night we started talking about money. Something that I know I am bad at managing, but have never taken on the necessary tasks to learn and manage my finances, and my whole life it has remained alone of the sore spots in my life. And like everything its very difficult to be honest about behaviour that you are not proud of.
Last night I found myself stressed about J's financial situation, trying to figure out how to help him, knowing that I was in no position to teach, or help, but wanting desperately for him to be financially stable.
While I was stressed out I told him, he asked what he could say that would make me feel better, and I told him I needed to be reminded that he's an adult and that this is not my responsibility and he's going to be fine. He reiterated, but then we got to talking.
How do 2 completely different people with completely different lives end up in relatively the same circumstances financially? I wanted to know how he got here... and as he told me I realized my stress was not about him perse, but rather was a reflection of my own feeling of inadequacy in terms of not having money saved up, and all the times I have spent money in a lackadaisical manner.
The art of money... the art of money does not come naturally you need to be taught, and I have never been. I was raised by a very smart woman who didn't know the first thing about money... and I am an emotionally driven person that uses money in that sense, but money is not emotional and life relies on being able to manage your finances, so you can do the things you want to and not spend every day stressing about it.
I think at first J felt attacked, and felt more stressed about me asking about his financial situation, but I think once I clarified and told him I am the same way... he felt a little better.
I realized last night that now that I have gotten a hold of my relationship life, my ability to be in a relationship, I must now start tackling the other areas in my life that aren't working, and like admitting to myself that I was hurting myself with sex, I have to admit that I am hurting myself with money and start getting practical with it.
Its really difficult to open the door on the not so nice things of your life.... its incredibly confronting, except my drive is that I want to be a balanced person for the sake of my future children. I want the misguided irresponsible things to stop with me, so my children can learn these lessons earlier. I am aware, then, that I must change, I must learn, in order to be able to teach them.. which unfortunately means lifting the veil, and being completely honest with myself.
I spend money on ridiculous things, I don't think about it then stress, always stress out about not having enough money at the end of the month.
Its a cycle that I have been on since I was little. I made a pact with J last night that I was going to save every receipt from this month so I can actually look at where I am spending my money. So having in front of me, will allow me to be honest so that things can change. And I thought that I had fixed everything! ha!
On another note... I have fallen more in love with J over the past week. Every time I feel like I am bumping up against a wall, I share and our relationship gets deeper.
There was a point after my cry last week, that we were kissing, and I felt myself in my head strategizing, thinking about how to kiss, how soft, how hard, what I should do, where I should put my hands etc. I caught myself not being int he moment with hm, but rather in my head with planning out and controlling the experience. Once I caught myself I tried to bring my energy back in to my body, I focused on my heart, but every time I felt the energy starting to shift it was like It would bang up against this closed gate that would say "hell no, you are not coming here". After trying a few attempts I had to finally ask myself what was going on... and to my surprise I found myself responding that I was scared.
I grew very sad, very quickly in realizing that I had built up this cushion around my heart, in order to protect myself, and although I was wanting that care, and love to enter, I was scared of letting someone in enough that they could actually hurt me by leaving.... My eyes welled up with the sadness, that my soul was scared to be loved.
There are moment I feel so sad for myself.. not in a pity sense but just sad that I have never had someone make me feel this way... and yet, there was a moment yesterday where I hugged J and said "can you imagine some people NEVER feel this way? How lucky I am to be at a place in my life where I can accept this kind of love and affection in my life!
So anyways, after I let the tears run down my face... and let myself be sad, I felt this door unlock and I felt like I could move back into my heart, grounded and more available for him.
I have basically spent a week here, sleeping over every night, and I have run up against a few of these walls in that time, but every time I just share what's going on for me, allow myself the space to feel what I am feeling, and in so doing each time the gate seems to unlock and we can move forward.
I am letting him love me. And I am letting myself love him.
I tried to explain the feeling I was experiencing at one point when again I found myself up against a "gate" and the only way I could explain it was this:
"It feels like there's this void in my solar plexus, like an empty space, and the closer we get it feels like that space is getting full...but that space is empty because of my mother dying. And once she died I felt like it would never get full again, that space inside me was lost forever... and I've come to terms with that... but here he is, and he threatens that emptiness, and that scares me.... because all of a sudden the space is getting full... and well the repercussions of that is the fear of getting attached..
I suppose the art of love is letting someone in but not getting too attached or dependent... but allowing yourself the enjoyment, being giving and caring of yourself... and allowing yourself to know that whatever happens you will be ok... to not protect yourself at the detriment of your never feeling that way again.
So I'm letting him in... and I am falling in love with him, and he is with me. Sex hasn't come yet, but I want to be responsible about this, and the first thing to that is getting tested, so that we both don't have to worry about anything else besides sex and our innate ability to be able to make babies.
But I will tell you this not only do we compliment each other in most areas of our lives, but we compliment each other sexually. I feel incredibly comfortable and safe around him, and that shows in our sexual intimacy. For the first time in my life I let go last night, and let him pleasure me, enjoy my body and bring me to the height or orgasm that I have never felt before.
I let go and for the first time in my life I experienced why they call an orgasm in french "le petit mort".
I heard once that an orgasm was called that because your bodies chemical reaction is the same thing you feel when you die. and you, in the throws of an orgasm are closer to death than you will ever be. In letting go last night, I felt that feeling, and my whole body couldn't move after, I was out of my body, I was among the stars.
It was a freeing feeling. Something I have longed for my whole life.
And in his beautiful intuitive way after he kept touching my body rubbing me, bringing me back down. I lay there for a good while just bringing myself back into my body... and fell asleep. It was perfect.
It's scary letting yourself go. Its scary giving up the things that you have held onto your whole life (or at least a good part of it) to feel protected... but the shear freedom that comes from letting those things go in the space of someone who is safe.. being as my therapist would say discerning.. about the situation... you free yourself to tackle the next thing.
I don't know where this relationship will end up, and only time will tell, but J is a very very special person to me... in a way my angel, and his presence gives me the strength to continue on this journey and take on my life.
Now I just have to pry myself away for long enough that I keep the rest of my life in tact. Now I need to incorporate balance in the other areas of my life so that I continue to grow and become the balanced person I want to be.....
Last night I found myself stressed about J's financial situation, trying to figure out how to help him, knowing that I was in no position to teach, or help, but wanting desperately for him to be financially stable.
While I was stressed out I told him, he asked what he could say that would make me feel better, and I told him I needed to be reminded that he's an adult and that this is not my responsibility and he's going to be fine. He reiterated, but then we got to talking.
How do 2 completely different people with completely different lives end up in relatively the same circumstances financially? I wanted to know how he got here... and as he told me I realized my stress was not about him perse, but rather was a reflection of my own feeling of inadequacy in terms of not having money saved up, and all the times I have spent money in a lackadaisical manner.
The art of money... the art of money does not come naturally you need to be taught, and I have never been. I was raised by a very smart woman who didn't know the first thing about money... and I am an emotionally driven person that uses money in that sense, but money is not emotional and life relies on being able to manage your finances, so you can do the things you want to and not spend every day stressing about it.
I think at first J felt attacked, and felt more stressed about me asking about his financial situation, but I think once I clarified and told him I am the same way... he felt a little better.
I realized last night that now that I have gotten a hold of my relationship life, my ability to be in a relationship, I must now start tackling the other areas in my life that aren't working, and like admitting to myself that I was hurting myself with sex, I have to admit that I am hurting myself with money and start getting practical with it.
Its really difficult to open the door on the not so nice things of your life.... its incredibly confronting, except my drive is that I want to be a balanced person for the sake of my future children. I want the misguided irresponsible things to stop with me, so my children can learn these lessons earlier. I am aware, then, that I must change, I must learn, in order to be able to teach them.. which unfortunately means lifting the veil, and being completely honest with myself.
I spend money on ridiculous things, I don't think about it then stress, always stress out about not having enough money at the end of the month.
Its a cycle that I have been on since I was little. I made a pact with J last night that I was going to save every receipt from this month so I can actually look at where I am spending my money. So having in front of me, will allow me to be honest so that things can change. And I thought that I had fixed everything! ha!
On another note... I have fallen more in love with J over the past week. Every time I feel like I am bumping up against a wall, I share and our relationship gets deeper.
There was a point after my cry last week, that we were kissing, and I felt myself in my head strategizing, thinking about how to kiss, how soft, how hard, what I should do, where I should put my hands etc. I caught myself not being int he moment with hm, but rather in my head with planning out and controlling the experience. Once I caught myself I tried to bring my energy back in to my body, I focused on my heart, but every time I felt the energy starting to shift it was like It would bang up against this closed gate that would say "hell no, you are not coming here". After trying a few attempts I had to finally ask myself what was going on... and to my surprise I found myself responding that I was scared.
I grew very sad, very quickly in realizing that I had built up this cushion around my heart, in order to protect myself, and although I was wanting that care, and love to enter, I was scared of letting someone in enough that they could actually hurt me by leaving.... My eyes welled up with the sadness, that my soul was scared to be loved.
There are moment I feel so sad for myself.. not in a pity sense but just sad that I have never had someone make me feel this way... and yet, there was a moment yesterday where I hugged J and said "can you imagine some people NEVER feel this way? How lucky I am to be at a place in my life where I can accept this kind of love and affection in my life!
So anyways, after I let the tears run down my face... and let myself be sad, I felt this door unlock and I felt like I could move back into my heart, grounded and more available for him.
I have basically spent a week here, sleeping over every night, and I have run up against a few of these walls in that time, but every time I just share what's going on for me, allow myself the space to feel what I am feeling, and in so doing each time the gate seems to unlock and we can move forward.
I am letting him love me. And I am letting myself love him.
I tried to explain the feeling I was experiencing at one point when again I found myself up against a "gate" and the only way I could explain it was this:
"It feels like there's this void in my solar plexus, like an empty space, and the closer we get it feels like that space is getting full...but that space is empty because of my mother dying. And once she died I felt like it would never get full again, that space inside me was lost forever... and I've come to terms with that... but here he is, and he threatens that emptiness, and that scares me.... because all of a sudden the space is getting full... and well the repercussions of that is the fear of getting attached..
I suppose the art of love is letting someone in but not getting too attached or dependent... but allowing yourself the enjoyment, being giving and caring of yourself... and allowing yourself to know that whatever happens you will be ok... to not protect yourself at the detriment of your never feeling that way again.
So I'm letting him in... and I am falling in love with him, and he is with me. Sex hasn't come yet, but I want to be responsible about this, and the first thing to that is getting tested, so that we both don't have to worry about anything else besides sex and our innate ability to be able to make babies.
But I will tell you this not only do we compliment each other in most areas of our lives, but we compliment each other sexually. I feel incredibly comfortable and safe around him, and that shows in our sexual intimacy. For the first time in my life I let go last night, and let him pleasure me, enjoy my body and bring me to the height or orgasm that I have never felt before.
I let go and for the first time in my life I experienced why they call an orgasm in french "le petit mort".
I heard once that an orgasm was called that because your bodies chemical reaction is the same thing you feel when you die. and you, in the throws of an orgasm are closer to death than you will ever be. In letting go last night, I felt that feeling, and my whole body couldn't move after, I was out of my body, I was among the stars.
It was a freeing feeling. Something I have longed for my whole life.
And in his beautiful intuitive way after he kept touching my body rubbing me, bringing me back down. I lay there for a good while just bringing myself back into my body... and fell asleep. It was perfect.
It's scary letting yourself go. Its scary giving up the things that you have held onto your whole life (or at least a good part of it) to feel protected... but the shear freedom that comes from letting those things go in the space of someone who is safe.. being as my therapist would say discerning.. about the situation... you free yourself to tackle the next thing.
I don't know where this relationship will end up, and only time will tell, but J is a very very special person to me... in a way my angel, and his presence gives me the strength to continue on this journey and take on my life.
Now I just have to pry myself away for long enough that I keep the rest of my life in tact. Now I need to incorporate balance in the other areas of my life so that I continue to grow and become the balanced person I want to be.....
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