manifesting your own problems

So J and I keep having these random arguments that just ruin the whole day and take so long to resolves and they are exhausting.... he invited me to move in with him... and yesterday was St. Patts, and he had the day off, so we moved my clothes and some of my stuff into his house... but the excitement of the event, what it meant, enjoying it was totally destroyed by this argument yesterday.... it was aweful.. and I have been racking my brain at my own contribution to the situation...

basically, he woke me up, I was tired, he brought me coffee in bed and then turned on this ipod cast that I really didn't like. I felt bad that I didn't like it.. and asked him if we could change it.... by saying "hey babe, I'm really sorry, but do you think that we could listen to something else? I can't handle this right now."

He got pretty pissed off at me... and I subsequently got really pissed at him for being so pissed off at me.... it lasted for 2 hours... talking, trying to figure out where the miscommunication happened... my dedication of wanting to eliminate the misunderstanding...

So, he's not perfect.. and yes, he over reacted... but I know that we cause things in our life.. and he does love me... and he wants to make me happy, so why the fight?

It has only today occured to me that it is in fact my worry and my concern that caused the misunderstanding...

he was more pissed off with the way I asked.. yesterday I was so frustrated.. asking him what the hell do you mean? the way I said it? like how can I be any different, I was trying to be considerate....

but I think what I have realized its not the fact that I was being kind.. it was that he wouldn't have reacted... well hypothetically wouldn't have... if I had just said "hey babe can we listen to something else?"

no dram, no concern, no making a big deal.. and not worrying about how it was going to land for him... that in fact its my concern of saying te wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing that is causing me to say the wrong thing...or do the wrong thing.. that I am experiencing what it feels like to start worrying and because of my concern, I am actually causing the problems that I am scared of causing..

this train of thought leads to a pretty big personal confrontation... where in order to eliminate the conflict, I have to eliminate my insecurities... ha!

what a catch 22.... and how sweet it is in the same breath.. to know that its in fact my own over thinking, over concern that's causing these rifts....

My cousinand I were talking last night.. and I think the problem is that I am so worried about getting into the same relationship with J as with C. that I am living in this tip toe around scenario, although J has given me no personal reason to feel that way... in fact he has pretty much done the complete opposite... he has made me feel welcomed, loved and accepted.... but I treat him like if I say something or do something wrong he is going to leave me....

makes you wonder if I did the same thing with C....

BUT... my cousin and I were saying that whats difficult is having the same behaviour with someone who is a bad man(C) and someone who is a good man (J)

its hard to see the difference in behaviour.... because its not necessarily the behaviour but the reasons behind it.

Anyways... I am pretty confronted right now... how do you eliminate your fear, when you've created evidence for having those fears in the first place... lol?

Looking at all the times I have been worried of annoying him or putting him on edge... I do just that... and when I am not worried... he doesn't seem to get bothered... pretty fucked up if you ask me!

So yes, watching yourself create the mirror of your life.. create conflict is a really strange feeling.

At the end of the day though.. I love him.. I really enjoy spending time with him.. I think I am just at a point in our relationship where I'm worried of losing him which is actually causing scenarios that have me sabotaging the situation.

Isn't that weird.. the only way to make a relationship work is by trusting that you being you adn them being them is enough... to value your own opinion.. and trust that you aren't going to say or do the wrong thing.

To put in succinctly, I think he picked up intuitively that I was worried about what I was going to say... but didn't realize that's what he was picking up on.. and so couldn't really explain it... I as a result got mad that he got mad at how I said it (even though that wasn't really what he was mad at) That men need women who value themselves and have enough self-esteem and assurance that they speak straight up... and say what they want without all the extra words, the embellishment that sounds a lot like drama to them... not thoughtfulness... that men need women who say what they are thinking... straight to the point... and not worry about how its going to land.... so basically, not be overly considerate, because it doesn't come across as being considerate, it comes across as being insecure.... interesting thought.