the fear of dying.

I wouldn't say that I am scared of dying... in fact I think that I have come to terms with the idea that one day, whenever that may be.. I will die. But, in terms of other people dying... I think that although on an intellectual level I know that I have survived my mother's death... and I am a stronger person for it.. it took me 7 years to get to this point... and I am scared... terrified of losing someone else.

Its been a consistent trend in my life for a while now.... I am fully aware that i have done things in my life to protect myself... to not let people love me.. and this whole transition has been in awareness of that fact, and in hopes of changing it.... of letting someone in, of letting the people already in my life in.. and letting them love me... I think I am finally geting to that point, where I feel secure in most of my friendships.... but I know that the theme of my adult life still holds on to some of who I am.

I am completely confronted with that experience now.

J's dad had a stroke on Monday night... and on Tuesday morning, J came to see me after the night shift, and while he was waiting for me to drive me to school he got the call. When I got into the car I knew something was wrong.

The thought of his dad having a stroke didn't much faze me.. in fact I found myself thinking that everything MUST be ok. I told him I didn't know how he was in times of crisis, and asked if he wanted my company, or not. He told me he wanted it.... so we went home, I made him breakfast, took care of the dog got in touch with his brother on his behalf, and we headed out to the hospital.

I stayed my distance at first... considering this was the first time I was going to meet his father... he was upset that these were the circumstances.. and I didn't know how his father would feel. My best friend warned me that this was going to rock his world to see his father in this condition... a sound warning.

I have become so detached from the feeling of being so close to someone that the fear of them dying shakes your core... in fact I would almost say that if anyone died in my life... it would be difficult but I know I have the strength and confiction to get through it.. to survive....

I poked my head into the ICU rom for a moment to ask if J wanted a coffee and introduced myself to his father's gf, asked her about the salad I had made her... and if she wanted a coffee... and went and got it. When I came back, I came in to get the coffee and ended up standing behind J... I didn't know if I should stay or leave.... and asked him.. and he said I could stay. The speach pathologist came by.... and you could tell that it was incredibly frustrating for everyone.. how slow she spoke, how primitive her language was, and how she kept pointing to things, speaking clear and loud so that J's father could try to understand... you could tell the boys were more anoyed at this experience than understanding what was going on.. and in listening to their conversation acted as though everything was ok.. talking to their father as though he would understand everything.. and when he seemed to get confused or frustrated.... they would just repeat themselves...

I could feel the frustration from all parties.. the strain...

and then his father asked who I was.

I wanted to make the experience as basic and as relaxed (the opposite of frustrating) as possible... giving him basic answers to everyuthing... not going into details when he asked where I was from I told him the city I lived in. When he asked what I was doing in school I told him what I wanted to be... simple... and he would throw words out that made no sense... you could tell that his understanding was limited and his ability to communicate was limited... and you could tell this was as far from comfortable as the man had been in years.

I felt bad, that he would know he met me in this state... but at the end of the day, I knew that me being there was more important that formalities, and insecurities around who we portray as people.

J and I took the long way home... he ended up showing me where he grew up and shared a little more of himself with me. He ended up asking me about my biological father... and I told him the story.

We got home and finally the experience hit him... I let him cry and just held him, something I absolutely admire about him... I let him experience the fear, and the worry. and we went to sleep.

3 hours later I got up, and did the homework that I had to do... then made him dinner and woke him up. I asked him what he needed and he told me
"just you, just lots of you"

I'm not sure if I can even let that REALLY sit with me.. to accept the fact that in one of the most life altering experiences of his life.. he wanted me...

He was so thankful for me... and I felt so good to feel like I was helping, that I was making his life just a little bit easier.

Tiem to go to work came... and I told him what I thought... that he didn't need the stress of not having money while this was going on... and that I understodd the need, and want to stay in, to get drunk or stoned and just try to pretend like it didn't happen.. but life happens, and we must keep trucking along.. that I knew the tunnel that trying to run from that feeling has on your life... and I encouraged him to go to work, but told him it wa ultimately his own decision.

He thanked me.. and decided to go...

As he was geting ready the feeling that was under the surface for him bubbled up, the fear of his father dying and of him ultimately not being where he wanted to be in life.
Its weird trying to comfort someone you care so deeply for, in a situation that you have experienced in your life, as a child... to see how difficult it is... and to know that you have already passed the test.. you have experienced the fear... and walked through it... and before there was anyone else to comfort you...

I sincerely hope that this will encourage him to follow his dreams more... push him, as opposed to negatively impact his movement forward... adversity has both options... one lands you in a more grown stage, the other in one that you will regret.

This morning he woke me up by kissing me all over.. .hugging me and cuddling with me... he made me breakfast and took care of me.

He got a call that told him that his dad was much better and that although he wa putting in a few random words from time to time... he was headed for a full recovery...

After I let him experience the relief I was hugging him and I started to cry. I didn't know why.

He kept asking and I just couldn't open my mouth... and he finally said "you don't have to tell me" I told him I didn't know.. and then after a few minutes I hypothesized.

I told him that I think I was scared. .scared that he would have to go through what I've been through... scared for his father and for his family.. and that I am so relieved that I am experiencing that fear... that I was soo sorry for him to go through this experience.... I think there's more there.. there's the loving him part.

I am completely confronted with my love for him.... I love him... but I'm not IN LOVE with him.. .yet... but then I ask myself.... the feeling i feel, the way he makes me feel is more than anything I have EVER experienced... I feel like I am perfect in his eyes... and I am experiencing feeling that way about myself.... its an intense, scary feeling.

a little while later he was hugging me and said "you know what I was saying the other day when I said you needed a family? you do.. you need a husband and children to love you. "

his recognition of this fact.. of the deepest desire of my heart... of my own family was pretty soul bearing... and I hugged him and started to cry. "yes... I do.. but I'm so scared they are going to die"

I am so scared of falling in love... of having something stronger than the attachment I had with my mother... and of losing that.

I am so scared of letting myself be in love.

I have ben aware for a few years now, of how I run from love... intellectually I understand myself and my limitations... but to ask yourself what you are FEELING.. and to be aware.. that the feeling you are experiencing is in fact the result of that desire... and that fear is something almost ironic.

To be so aware that I am standing on a cliff, a cliff where I can keep myself at a distance... and never be fully in love... where I can remain separate... not attached.. .and then, if it happens... it will be easier for me to get over .. or to jump.. to know that I cannot control the future.. that the future will unfold just as it will.... and that letting myself the opportunity of experiencing that pain... is letting myself experience that profound love too.

Its weird to be so aware of your hangups... to be so addicted to the hardships of life that its uncomfortable to start letting things be easier.. of having someone in your life that completely validates who you are... and how unique and special you are.

He's scared too... but I'm more scared.... and we both can feel it.

A few days ago I asked him if I was his girlfriend and he said he can't say that yet because he feels like I am holding back... I agreed...

But this morning he said something about me being his girlfriend... I reiterated. And... as a sign of the times.. in high technological fashion... changed my status on Facebook. But still, I did not put his name... like I still need the space between us...

I want to be able to trust him, to trust myself...

I think one of the things that comes up for me is the idea that he can't possibly be the one.. I was wrong once before.. and the idea of having found the man that I want to grow old with.. to have babies with.. to love and be loved.

I think that he can't possibly be the one... and I don't want to lead him on.. or make him feel that I feel that way.. If I still don't know... but as per usual I am getting way ahead of myself. and things can change....

the thought that keeps running through my head is the idea that my mother could never choose. She never chose.. and as a result was always looking... what if I choose?? not that I am going to do that right now... but what if that was a possibility with THIS man? for me to CHOOSE him.

Everytime I get into a feeling like he couldn't possibly be the one.. I look at everything he is.. and he is EVERYTHING I ever asked the universe for... the only thing that isn't there is stability, financial stability. That's it. But that can come.

So I guess what is confronting is if this could be the one... and there would be no more looking, what else am I going to focus my life on? When that has been my number #1 focus for my entire life... what else will I take on? Where else can I grow... its a daunting task... but one I know will be incredibly fulfilling.

We will however see... I guess right now I just wish that I could let him in fully.... let myself be inlove with him.. in the face of the unpredictable future.. in the face of having my heart, or his heart broken. Letting him in, letting that space in me fill up with gratitude and love.... letting myself fall.