being in love.

This week a friend of mine asked me to tell her about J.. so wrote this email to her.... and I felt I would just post what I wrote her because it articulates exactly how I felt yesterday...

What can I tell you.... I am in love. absolutely real, happy ever after love. I have never felt like this in my whole life. I have never felt this cared for, unconditional love.. like nothing I could ever do would screw this up... He' so thoughtful and kind... he's so generous and patient with all the shit I've been having to go through to get to a point where I can actually believe this is possible for me... to allow myself to really love myself and get to a point where I can let him in. I feel so freaking vindicated!!!! like all that work, all that looking at the parts of me I'm not so happy with.... all the dark days of my life were leading here.

I don't think that I ever REALLY thought this could happen to me.

I have realized that I thought love was what I have been getting from my family... but love is not that... that's what people call love.. but it isn't. Love is unconditional, love doesn't ask questions and believes FULLY. ...  J is giving me the kind of love I only thought possible in my fantasies.

He's so interesting and we are absolutely best friends.. no forcing anything.. I am myself COMPLETELY myself and he is himself and we don't bother each other.. in fact all the parts that I don't like about me he thinks are awesome..

J and I talk about the coolest things and he teaches me something new EVERYDAY.

Its easy.. its just easy. I never feel like I am a burden, or he doesn't want me around.. that I am too pushy, he doesn't care that I want to touch him all the time, and kiss him and hug him.. he wants me around..

He makes a future seem possible.. not looking anymore... for this to be it.

We hacked out a plan for the future in terms of job scenario today and we just feel so hopeful.

I fell in love with him yesterday when my friend and her husband surprised me for a visit and he was so kind and thoughtful to them.  He was so exhausted and had to go work, but like a champ got up early to meet them and hang out with them. He knew that it was important to me that he got up and made it a point to put on a brave face.... he was soo awesome with them, it just put me soo at ease, to know that one of closest friends and him could get along...

that was the hard part when I was with C.  My best friend hated him and it sucked cause I wanted to hang out with her... but he was such a dick to her.... so anyways, its so nice to meet someone who puts me at ease.

So I realized that I can see a future with him.. like babies and all! and I ended up telling him I love him tonight.... and you know what he said? He said its crazy.. but I have fallen in love with you too.. I can't believe its been a month.. but I am in love with you (my name). I asked him when he realized it and he said today, when I was telling him about my dream trip to South East Asia. He had never thought of going there, but me telling him about it he thought how cool would that be.. and when he was driving to his diabetes doctors appt he just realized that he loved me.. that he just thought I was the coolest person in the world...

Imagine? Some one feeling that way about me?? its soooo crazy.

When he told me I felt almost uncomfortable like I wanted him to stop.... its weird to hear those words and be scared of them... and I asked myself what was going on.. and then I said "ok Mr. you're not allowed to die on me now." My biggest fear, feeling that loss again....

I told him tonight that I am used to the love you have for your family to be a have-to scenario.. like you have to love your family even if you don't like them.. but other than a few friends that I rarely get to see, I never have experienced love as a choice.. like he chooses me and it sends me to the stars and back... that he chooses me for everything I am and everything I am not. It is the most deepest sensation I have ever felt.

I asked him what it felt like for him and he said he feels alive again, excited about the future again.. he's less tired.. and just.. happy. We were talking about how quick this is... and how ridiculous it is... but I said I think this is different then people who just get infatuated with one another.. because we've become friends first... we love each other for what we LIKE about each other not just the story we have come up with about the other person.. like I just like being around him and I feel better about myself when I am around him. he validates me in ways I never knew possible.

I think falling in love means you accept the future.. where ever it may take you.And that one day you will lose the person whether you break up, or the other person dies.. and to know that pain that you feel, that utter despair that you will feel is worth the moments you get to spend together in the mean time.

I know its going to be a hard road.. building a future with someone is never easy and the both of us have some serious things to work out before we can feel completely secure in this relationship. Ie. we both need to figure out our careers and money situation.. but I think .. no, I know, we are both up for the challenge. I feel so blessed..

and to be honest... I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that all the shit I have felt over the years... of losing my mother got me to this point where I can love myself and let a man like J into my life.. I am so profoundly proud of the changes I have made... and for believing in myself....for having the conviction to have faith that it was all leading somewhere... blind faith.

So what do I love about him? He loves the outdoors, he has 3 tents and a jeep. He's travelled, he will eat anything, he likes to run and wants to encourage me to be active.. he loves my body and tells me I'm beautiful every chance he can... he cooks for me and appreciates when I cook for him. He's incredibly patient with me and can read me.. in fact he told me that he's loved me for a little while but knew he couldn't tell me cause he would scare me... and I knew that.. that's why I knew I had to tell him first. because I knew that he would wait.. wait til I caught up with the feeling he was feeling... so its crazy that the feeling of being IN LOVE Happened on the same day for us.

So..  I am in love, head over heels in love.
(February 16th)