2 weeks ago I would have told you that all I want is someone who is attentive, caring, thoughtful and interesting, intelligent, experienced, lovely.... and now that I have potentially found that I find myself hesitating, ncomfortable, irritated, annoyed.... its the most bizarre experience.
My brother reminded me today that we only grow when we are feeling uncomfortable and J does exactly that... he challenges me, to be great.
I met him 2 weeks ago, he wrote me on fb, and asked to meet me. He showed up at my house with a jeep, my favorite vehicle... we went for coffee and talked for 5 hours. There was one thing that came up in that first meeting that had me apprehensive.. simply put he doesn't exactly believe what I believe.... and I found myself focusing on that... and not on all the other things we spoke about...
The next day I had a crisis, I found myself wanting to see the guy that had completely disregarded me for the past month, the guy that had stood me up and didn't have any time for me... and with J, well, he had asked if I would come over and I was completely confronted about it... I asked myself why do I want to hang out with some one who doesn't want me and not want to hang out with someone who does? What is wrong with me??
After talking to my cousin and my room mate I decided to not force myself... but still felt frustrated with myself.... that I was stopping myself in some way.
The next day, after debating for hours I invited him to hang out with me... and he jumped at the chance, over beers I ended up being completely honest with him and told him that I was hesitant about him because I believe relationships are there for you to grow and I don't want to date someone who I am constantly trying to defend what I believe in, as opposed to growing from the insights I have already had in my life... and learning.. moving forward. He reminded me that he wasn't opposed to what I believe in, he was simply curious... Of which I was reminded and told him that's why we are on a second date.
I felt that perhaps I had told him too much, but that I absolutely hate how in relationships when 2 people aren't honest with what's going on in their heads, the other person speculates but can never know, and then there are misunderstandings, misinterpretations and miscommunication. It was important for me that he knew what I was struggling with in continuing to date him, and that it wasn't that he wasn't a great person, or nice, or anything else....
After telling him, I felt alot more relieved about getting to know him further... because now he knew where I stood. He knew my primary concern.
It has since occured to me that unlike myself, he was raised in a very religious family, and the evolution of his belief structure had him question everything he had been taught as a kid and stepping outside of those beliefs challenges your family dynamics as well as your belief structure... and to have patience.
He asked me if he could do something cheesy with him on Monday, and so, knowing that I was struggling with allowing him in my life, I agreed. He took me to glow in the dark mini put, for sushi and then to his place to watch movies.... our conversation completely flowed over the course of the day, and we had so much in common, and yet I found I could barely look at him at all, to connect on any other level felt really uncomfortable. I found myself to just be with him, and not judge him by his looks or the little things that annoyed me about him, some of which I am very aware are things that I hate about myself.. and so it sort of makes sense that I would find them frustrating in another person as well... primarily his goofiness, his foolishness and his insecurity... its weird to be aware of your own foolishness and limitations and still relate to them and struggle against them.
We have since hung out almost every day since then, and I consistently enjoy his company, the more I hang out with him, the more I like him, and yet there is this part of me that is trying to find as many things wrong with him as possible...
The other day he asked me about this test I took, and I found myself getting annoyed with him. I caught myself in the moment, realizing that I said it was fine with "fuck off" undertone... and I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I appreciate that he's concerned and that he's asking me about it, but that I am annoyed.. and it makes no sense... that there's nothing to fix, its just difficult for me to have someone pay that much attention to me, and to be that interested in me... it was a weird experience... its a weird experience.
I feel like I have been asking for this for so long, the universe is giving it to me and saying "are you sure?" and I don't know if I am sure.
I am so scared to be intimate with him.. I have only given him 4 good bye kisses... short closed mouth kisses.... and that's all I can do. My brother said that up until this point sex has been a way of me getting something and that if I get to a point with him where I am being intimate sex will become an expression of how I feel, and it will be the most amazing experience. That I am challenging myself to allow the drama to subside and to let someone good into my life.
Its so frustrating to get hung up on stupid things like looks or expressions... my past has taught me that looks are not important.. and yet here I am challenged and struggling.
He told me that I am amazing.. that I just let him be himself and that he has never met someone who can keep up to him intellectually... that he just feels comfortable with me.. and that he really really likes me.
My brother reminded me today that we only grow when we are feeling uncomfortable and J does exactly that... he challenges me, to be great.
I met him 2 weeks ago, he wrote me on fb, and asked to meet me. He showed up at my house with a jeep, my favorite vehicle... we went for coffee and talked for 5 hours. There was one thing that came up in that first meeting that had me apprehensive.. simply put he doesn't exactly believe what I believe.... and I found myself focusing on that... and not on all the other things we spoke about...
The next day I had a crisis, I found myself wanting to see the guy that had completely disregarded me for the past month, the guy that had stood me up and didn't have any time for me... and with J, well, he had asked if I would come over and I was completely confronted about it... I asked myself why do I want to hang out with some one who doesn't want me and not want to hang out with someone who does? What is wrong with me??
After talking to my cousin and my room mate I decided to not force myself... but still felt frustrated with myself.... that I was stopping myself in some way.
The next day, after debating for hours I invited him to hang out with me... and he jumped at the chance, over beers I ended up being completely honest with him and told him that I was hesitant about him because I believe relationships are there for you to grow and I don't want to date someone who I am constantly trying to defend what I believe in, as opposed to growing from the insights I have already had in my life... and learning.. moving forward. He reminded me that he wasn't opposed to what I believe in, he was simply curious... Of which I was reminded and told him that's why we are on a second date.
I felt that perhaps I had told him too much, but that I absolutely hate how in relationships when 2 people aren't honest with what's going on in their heads, the other person speculates but can never know, and then there are misunderstandings, misinterpretations and miscommunication. It was important for me that he knew what I was struggling with in continuing to date him, and that it wasn't that he wasn't a great person, or nice, or anything else....
After telling him, I felt alot more relieved about getting to know him further... because now he knew where I stood. He knew my primary concern.
It has since occured to me that unlike myself, he was raised in a very religious family, and the evolution of his belief structure had him question everything he had been taught as a kid and stepping outside of those beliefs challenges your family dynamics as well as your belief structure... and to have patience.
He asked me if he could do something cheesy with him on Monday, and so, knowing that I was struggling with allowing him in my life, I agreed. He took me to glow in the dark mini put, for sushi and then to his place to watch movies.... our conversation completely flowed over the course of the day, and we had so much in common, and yet I found I could barely look at him at all, to connect on any other level felt really uncomfortable. I found myself to just be with him, and not judge him by his looks or the little things that annoyed me about him, some of which I am very aware are things that I hate about myself.. and so it sort of makes sense that I would find them frustrating in another person as well... primarily his goofiness, his foolishness and his insecurity... its weird to be aware of your own foolishness and limitations and still relate to them and struggle against them.
We have since hung out almost every day since then, and I consistently enjoy his company, the more I hang out with him, the more I like him, and yet there is this part of me that is trying to find as many things wrong with him as possible...
The other day he asked me about this test I took, and I found myself getting annoyed with him. I caught myself in the moment, realizing that I said it was fine with "fuck off" undertone... and I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I appreciate that he's concerned and that he's asking me about it, but that I am annoyed.. and it makes no sense... that there's nothing to fix, its just difficult for me to have someone pay that much attention to me, and to be that interested in me... it was a weird experience... its a weird experience.
I feel like I have been asking for this for so long, the universe is giving it to me and saying "are you sure?" and I don't know if I am sure.
I am so scared to be intimate with him.. I have only given him 4 good bye kisses... short closed mouth kisses.... and that's all I can do. My brother said that up until this point sex has been a way of me getting something and that if I get to a point with him where I am being intimate sex will become an expression of how I feel, and it will be the most amazing experience. That I am challenging myself to allow the drama to subside and to let someone good into my life.
Its so frustrating to get hung up on stupid things like looks or expressions... my past has taught me that looks are not important.. and yet here I am challenged and struggling.
He told me that I am amazing.. that I just let him be himself and that he has never met someone who can keep up to him intellectually... that he just feels comfortable with me.. and that he really really likes me.
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