So basically today I feel ridden with anxiety.... just this pressure in my chest, its the same pressure you get when you are worried about an assignement or presentation, that you aren't good enough, its where the heaviness of life weighs on your chest.
I'm really restless today with no motivation.. and I am trying to find something to distract me, but I have no motivation to move to find that distraction... I have no TV shows I want to watch, no movies I want to watch... I don't want to get out of bed.. I'm just here, in bed... wishing that it would all just end.... just poof, I'd be gone and I don't have to go through this....
I can't even tell you how hard this is...
and all I can think of is how nice it would be to have someone to call right now to sleep with... just let all the energy in my body have an outlet in another human being... connection... intimate connection... its killing me to not have that right now.
This whole experience is crazy... wanting to have sex soo badly but having the conviction to never sleep with someone who doesn't care about me again is sooo hard.. I have been tempted, but I just can't sell out on myself... its insane... like I'm pulling myself in 2 different directions.... and its so difficult to face decisions you've made as a kid and make different ones... like not letting things progress to sex, just cause you are in a bed with an attractive drunk man... to say no is a whole new experience for me... to stop the progress....
basically I have recently been getting a lesson in letting things just run their natural course.... which is so far beyond my comfort zone.. I have this part of me that thinks that guys are retarded.. and so if I let them control the situation we'll never get any where.... but then I've realized that my problem is that I will always meet you half way... always... but I'm always the first one out of the starting gates... so I move my 50% and when you don't move yours I try and compensate so I'll move 70, 80, 90 till I'm at 100% and you don't have to do anything for the relationship and I feel completely ripped off.
So I'm trying to be self disciplined and letting people come to me.... but when they don't its such an awful feeling... I feel deserted like there's something wrong with me.... it's soooo difficult.
The moments I feel like someone doesn't like me, I immediately want to know why... why do they not like me.. what about me is bad... so I can fix it... I am basically trying to fix myself 100% of the day and its exhausting... the only time that I am not is when I'm drunk and dancing...
I care so much what people think about me that I've been noticing in big groups I just want to sit in the corner and talk to one or 2 people... because the anxiety gets so strong, its no longer 1 or 2 people judging you.. its 10 or 20.... its unbelievably frustrating.
Last week I ended up recounting what my childhood was like in terms of friends, to one of my friends... you know after a while it becomes just a story you tell people, with no emotional attachment.. well this time I actually was remembering the feeling... how it felt to be me as a child... and it was sooo awful.
I HATED recess... with a passion, I would do what ever I could to not have to go out for recess.. I never had friends.. and I used to get tormented on the school yard.. in grade 3 I got beat up... its really crazy to actually think that that happened to me... kids were vicious to me... well atleast that's what I remember.. and I was really smart too, so I used to get teased for that.. I was poor so I got teased for that.. my mom would make me tuna sandwiches and soup and I'd get teased for that... I was always bigger than the other kids so I got teased for that... then I just got teased cause kids had nothing else to do with their time.. I HATED school, other than the learning.. I loved the learning...
anyways, without getting into too much detail... I never had a close friend until grade 9 and then she ditched me... I thought I had a close friend in this guy that I had a crush on for all of high school, but i found out in OAC that he had lied to people in grade 10 and 11 about us even being friends... so.. truthfully it hasn't been until the past couple of years that I actually felt secure in any relationship in my life...
yup... that's basically it... as far as I'm concerned.. there is something terribly wrong with me... and all I have ever wanted to be is cool... so I don't stick out so much, so that people won't just desert me cause I'm not cool... that's always been my goal.. to be one of the cool kids... oddly enough no matter what I've done... I have NEVER been that cool kid.... and most likely because I am soooo concerned with being odd and weird, and having people judge me... I am rarely just myself.
I don't embrace my own uniqueness, and love that I am different.. I don't want to be different.
I can't even really articulate what its like to worry all the time about what people think about you... strangers on the street even.. its so crazy. I'm starting to be aware of how rediculous it is... not only to think people are judging me... but that it even matters... but there it is.. every day... this tormenting in my head, and I am trying to change... I am trying to fix myself so that it'll go away...
But now intellectually I am identifying that I can't fix myself... there are things that will evolve.. but that who I am is fundamentally perfectly flawed... even though I am starting to recognize that... I am still bombarded with these thoughts... feelings, anxieties...
and lets be honest.. when my go-to escape from these feelings was always sex... not having it is allowing the pressure to build.. forcing me to feel this pain.. and its SOOOO UNCOMFORTABLE... I mean... I would do anything to not feel this feeling in my body right now... its stuck there, like a piece of me.
When i breathe into the pressure it dissipates for the duration of my breath.. and then its there again.
stupid feelings of inadequacy!
I know that its completely illogical.. but here I am, obsessed.. and it stops me in my life it stops me from having fun.. it stops me in so many things... because of that feeling I'm sure I judge other people because I constatnly feel judged. its a defense.. I totally am self defeating, I'll make jokes about myself.. just to beat other people there so it doesn't hurt as much... its all so rediculous... and knowing that its rediculous doesn't change the fact that here I am... still doing it... I just want to NOT CARE about what people think of me... or atleast be able to take it for what it is.... oh stupid balance.
On another note... or the same, depending on how you look at it... I went on a date last night with this really nice guy... quite sweet... I could see us getting to know eachother better... but where I fall short in thinking that the relationship could go any further is the fact that he doesn't yet believe what I believe in. 5 years and I have only met 2 men that I was attracted to that believed in what I believe in... I can't even tell you how frustrating that is...
I have recently come up with my own hypothesis about the evolution of belief structure... because for some reason I feel that what I believe in is the next step to most people's belief evolution.. and its not that I think what I believe is necessarily better.. its just I guess the truth... and even though that's hard for me to admit... that's what I think... because I find it wrong that religions push their beliefs on people and say... mine is better than yours.. mine is right, yours is wrong..
I guess I just don't want to be part of that mentality.. but I guess I will take a moment to explain why I think what I believe in is right.... because it embraces all the great things about all the religions around the world, love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light, oneness... and lets all the crappy stuff go, all the stuff about guilt, and fear, and eternal damnation... what I believe in is the light.
So because of this, my hypothesis is this about the evolution of western beliefs.
Most of us are raised in some sort of religion, Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Muslim.... what I know about each religion is besides that these religions all have love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light and oneness at their core... they have been bombarded and limited through rules, power structures, fear, sin, by a method of mysticism... ironically, most of it is ridiculous mysticism... and we are mesmerized, because we connect with something about the religion.. because of course at its foundation is the truth... but in order to get to the truth we are lied to... and told that its limited, and that we have to do all these things to get to it...
We are told that we are constantly judged by this man in the sky... and especially as children we believe in this so much it terrifies us... and for some this fear never ceases. but for some, the veil starts to drop and we start questioning this belief structure.. like something doesn't fit... this can't be all of it.. that some people have a monopoly on love and acceptance.. on god.
For me I don't think I ever believed in God in the regular terms of God, I remember as a very young child believing in what i believe now... and not exactly being sure where that belief came from... but the monopoly made no sense, the judgement by the devine, the rules, and eternal hell made no sense, and so from a very young age I felt different with no arsenal to defend what I believed in.... but back to my hypothesis.. when people start questioning the beliefs that have been enstilled in them from their childhood a great sense of feeling ripped off, being duped, being lied to becomes sooo strong and many of us then become what is termed athiest... when our intellect gets ahead of our intution all that belongs to religion seems rediculous... and the man at the top.. in the sky seems so retarded we tend to disrgard all the other great parts of religion.. because if the basis for the religion... god, ala, etc couldn't possibly exist....
So then there must be nothing.
I feel that many athiests tend to be as passionate about their non-beliefs and those that believe.. and many go out of their way to fight for what they believe in, because, I believe it comes from a place of wanting to wake other people up to the rediculousness of religion.... and many people get stuck here...
and then there's the agnostic path... sometimes this comes before atheism and again after... but always after. Where in life things happen... things we can't explain, we start having moments where our intution saves us, we meet people that we feel we know... we know that something bad is going to happen before it does... what ever it is.. there are moments in our life that make us question whether there really is NOTHING... and we start feeling like there must be SOMETHING.. we just don't know what that is...
this transition is incredibly difficult.... because believing in NOTHING is easier than believing in SOMETHING... because if you believe in something.. most of us need evidence.. we need hard evidence.. I believe this is because we are so terrified of getting duped again.. which many people do on this side of the journey.. by other people that are manipulators, like those at the top of religions... there are people that will use our innate connection with the devine to make money, without knowing the truth... and so we are all very wary of getting lied to again.. and so how does one sift through all the lies.. to find the truth?
I have gotten in the habit of just trying on what people say... just sitting with it for a moment and asking myself if it resonates with me.. does it make sense on a fundamental level for me... and if it does I take it with me on my journey.. and if it doesn't I discard it... somethings I have discarded originally and as my understanding expands there's a new foundation to embrace explanations once thought rediculous in my own head...
But regardless of the beliefs you establish in your own life... its a constant struggle between questioning whether you are being duped again.. and right now, the fact that most people still don't agree with what I believe in I tend to feel crazy.... weird, and potentially wrong.
There are very few people that I have met that are at the same space in their evolution that I am.... where they are establishing their own belief structure and are constantly in a space of introspection, trying to get to the bottom of themselves, and life in general...
ITs VERY LONELY.
So... why do I believe that I am right? Because I don't need you to agree, I don't need you to believe in what I believe in for me to have the key to heaven... I know in my heart.. that one day you will get there.. but completely on your own terms, in your own way, with your own experiences... because the truth can only lie inside.... no one can tell you the truth. There can only be people that help along the way.
So, yes loneliness.. in all my life I have met very few people that believe in what I believe in.. and most of them are older.... and men? I have only met 3 men my age that believe in what I believe in.... its so important to find a partner that I can share how difficult this journey is without being judged or assessed or thought of as crazy... so I remain single.... trying desperately to find someone to connect with... and sometimes I convince myself that I can let it go and be with someone who doesn't agree.. but I know in my heart I can't.. because its the most difficult thing in my life... and not having someone to share that experience with... its like not having someone at all... its sanitizing what I believe in... just to have a body next to me...
the balance between believing in what I believe in and not wanting to be different is sooo difficult... i just want to hide... dig a whole in the sand and go to sleep for ever.
i wish this were easier.
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