feeling unworthy.. and the fear starts trickling in again...for no good reason

We had the most amazing two days together.

 Wednesday we said I love, and Thursday... Thursday was perfect.

We woke up at 5am, J had gone to sleep early because his sleep patterns are all fucked up working the night shift. He woke up and I wanted to be awake... I wanted to just spend time with him.

We had toast, smoked a joint and watched the end of the movie we started the night before.

He then started on on the computer. I found myself annoyed at how long what he was doing was taking... but he's someone who likes to plan... and I think I appreciate it... even more now... but I'm so used to just getting up and going... and I'm impatient... that I'm just not used to it.

He went online, google earth, the Bruce Trail information, and Google maps... to plan our little excursion. It was going to be our first hike together...

I'll be honest I was a little worried about it.. underneath. But I have always wanted the man in my life and I to go hiking, to be active and not just talk about it. But I was scared about whether I would be good company.. whether I would be able to hack it...

But I went.. we went on a hike together... and besides the fact that I talked too much.. it was soo much fun! It was the warmest its been in a few months and the snow wasn't too deep. We walked for 3 hours.. him and his GPS the whole way:P lol. our destination... this bridge he's been wanting to go to his whole life... and I got to share it with him! We couldn't find the sandwiches when we got to to the bridge.. he checked my bag... after I had... but nothing. But we just laughed it off and carried on.

On our hike back I told him a little bit about what losing my mom is like for me... a little about my travels...

We got home before night fall.... and found the sandwiches in his bag!

He got ready and left to close the last door on his past while I studied.

When he got back we just hung out and watched a movie. Had dinner and went to sleep.

He told me today that it was the best day of his life.

He picked me up for school this afternoon. We went back to my house so I could get ready for work.. and when we got there there was a package for me... well it was for J.

So the story goes (I'm sorry if I've already written it before) but on J and my second date we went into a used bookstore.. and he mentioned he's been looking for this one book forever, its about an explorer, and they don't publish the book anymore, its of a man that travelled down this river, and its called a river...run ...east.

The next day I decided I was going to find this book for him.. just because.

I wasn't sure if we'd still know eachother when it got to me.. but figured that it couldn't hurt, worse comes to worse I'm out a little money, but atleast I will have done something really nice for him.

So I found this book called a river running east about this man that explored and travelled down the Colorado river, first edition.... in a little used book store in Colorado.

I ordered the book right away.

The next day by fluke J mentioned the book again.. and I nonchelantly asked him what the name of the book was. The Rivers ran East.... oh really? fuck!

When I got home I went on a mission to find this silly book... the right one this time.

I found it online from Australia. Contacted the guy and purchased it. Asked him to write a note in it for J.

The book from Colorado arrived just in time for Valentine's day. I gave it to him, with a smile telling him I knew it was the wrong book.

Today he got the right book. I couldn't wait til his birthday... I just love him so much, I wanted to give him something that reflected that.

When I gave it to him he was shocked... and when he opened it you could see that he wanted to cry.

He told me it was the best gift anyone had ever given him.

He told me he loved me.

I told him on the drive to work that I'm so happy I can make him happy... that I know how to make him happy.. and that he appreciates what just comes naturally to me.

I told him that I never want to be with anyone else ever again.. He said he felt the same way.

He told me he just wants to make me happy and I told him that what would make me the happiest is if he was proud of himself, got a good job and could take care of me so I could have babies. He said ok.

He's so handsome and so thank-ful... its just crazy for me to think that he thinks that of me!

He picked me up from work... and asked if I would sleep over so he could see me in the morning when he gets home from work.

Of course.

I thanked him for asking.. he thanked me for saying yes.

I miss him..

And as I sit here by myself I just get these fears creep in.. like he's going to wake up one morning and not want me anymore.. that I am going to fuck this up terribly...

I know its rediculous, the rational side of me says that the only way I could fuck this up is believing that little voice in my head that says that I am not worthy of this.. that there's no way he feels this about me.... Its a weird feeling .. to be trying to convince yourself that you are worth it... its weird to be your own coach.... how does one do that... be two beings at the same time.. the one that thinks this is all going to end.. and the one that tells that one that everything is going to be ok, and to just enjoy?

So I sit here and think that this is going to fade, and he's going to leave me... That I talk too much, that I am too overweight, that I nag, that I ask too many questions.

I'm so scared that I am going to do something that annoys him and he's going to say fuck this.

It's my deepest insecurities bubbling to the surface.

The rational side of me tells me that that is rediculous. That people who are in love their whole lives must feel this at one point... that he feels the same way as me.. that he would never want to fuck this up. EVER. That he wants to make me happy... and that if he trully loves me he will look past a few things that really bother him about me. The rational side to me tells me that I likes me for me so I should just continue being self expressed and not to get scared of being myself.....

But then the rational mind is competing with that this entire experience is completely IRRATIONAL.. I mean its been a month. 1 month. How do two people feel like this after a month if its not infatuation? How is this entire experience rational?

But I guess that's the difference.. none of it is rational, its from the heart.. the only truth. So I just have to truck along and in the face of my fears.... just trust my heart. be honest and truthful with myself.. and respect myself.

I just feel so overwhelmed.. like I can't believe he ACTUALLY wants what I want.. he wants a future with me.

In the car, after the book, he told me that if he doesn't say much about how he feels he's sorry. He's just awestruck by me.

I just can't believe it... that someone feels this way about me.

Perhaps in time I'll let it seep in.

I need sleep.