where i am at... introduction to the story that was the summer.

its been 2 months since i last wrote... its like i needed to give myself space to process and just live in order to reflect.... the week of august 12 everything came to a head.... something had to give and i ended up dropping nursing school.

im feeling now like letting nursing go is as though i let go of the final lock blockonv me from full self expression....

now the only thing getting in the way of sharing my experiences is myself.
lately i have been in deep reflection and self awareness... attempting to shed light on aspects of my life that i have not understood or been waiting for an answer to .... in the end i am finally seeing the divinity in my life and it is gradually settling in as peace in my heart.
there's a line in eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert where she quotes  Virginia Wolfe and says " across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. on one side of the sword ..she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword , if you're crazy enough  to cross it and and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion' nothing follows a regular . Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existance to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous.'


I read that quote 6 years ago and it resonated with me... and the deeper i go into myself...into who i am.. the more i am forced to accept that who i am... what i want is only what's offered at thr very edge of life... where all my fears and insecurities also lue .. which forces me to a place of accepting that convention, and safety comes at a price of adventure and possibility.

that my life terrifies me... but as i reflect more and more on my life i am finally seeing there is nothing to be acared of... the the unknown is very divine... if i can trust the feeling inside... soething i cant see... and accept the craziness that has forced me to a place where i am letting go of all expectation and convention forthr chance to have a life out of my wildest dreams.

my channeler told me years ago that thisblife was for me to have fun.... quitting school with 4 days left of my preconsolidation was me tellingthe universe i want more.... security isnt worth losing my heart and voice.

people ask me why i quit... there are so many reasons.. and like everything its all in the story. the story of thr summer....

loss of distractions... the fear of being ALONE.... inside

I am in a state of limbo today.

I felt it all day...

This morning I felt deep grief for the loss of T. .... its the connection I miss... the tangible feeling of being gotten when no one on the planet seems to really understand me..

The feeling I felt when I met him was a glimpse into something I had only imagined.... and since... every time I try and get over him... I struggle with the loss of that feeling.

Throughout this journey I have continually asked myself "if he's your mirror... if they are all your mirror than what are you missing?"

Time and time i come back to me. That I must somehow not be available... if that's what I am getting back from the universe.

Its weird, in the past two weeks I have met 4 men who just think I'm amazing.

one told me that I was incredibly special  and that I could never just be with anyone... that I had to find a man who was as special as me.. and to never change

one told me that I was a love sprinkler and saw the depths of my love and appreciated it

one danced with me and told me he just felt like he wanted to shower love down on me

and the last told me that he had never had someone cut into his soul so clearly and so quick and that I ws dangerous because of how attracted he was to me.... and thanked me for our conversation.

three of them are in long term comitted reltionships, 2 of those are married. and the fourth dissapeared without getting my number.

So then I ask myself why?

why do these men that seem to get me.. that seem to think I deserve the world and all it has to offer not be available to me?

When I woke up today I was so sad about T and I wrote him a quick messge asking him if he would be willing to hang out and have fun... so I could prove being around me doesn't always have to be intense and dramatic.

As I wrote it I didn't know if I believed it myself.

I don't know how to REALLY have fun.... and be light hearted... my life has seemed like a struggle my whole life... and I feel like I have been constantly on the look out for being misunderstood.... always trying to make sure that I don't appear TOO different than anyone else.

But slowly over the past two years I have become more and more myself outwardly, I share more and more about what I believe and what I know... and every time I expose more of myself the more committed I become to myself... and to staying myself.

It's weird... its partially that... but partially that I have just become more and more aware of myself and I have learned to like myself more and more and so I am standing up for myself and what I believe and what I want.... I becoming more of what I want to be...

What I learned from the last relationship is that I want my partner to understand me... and to not have to worry about him being insecure or have to explain things about what I know is sooo abstract.. I need to find someone who just gets me.. so we are on the same playing field.

and yet... I meet these men and they are unavailable. so I ask myself.. if they are all mirrors to me.. what am I projecting...

being in limbo today was weird.. I had things I had to do for school and I dauttled. I got it all done but I noticed myself trying to find anything to do but the thing that was MOST important. I knew it was.. but I didn't want to... so like me to not do what I don't want to.. and yet... if I want what I want.. I have to do it... I finally told myself that I wasn't allowed to do anything until I did that... and yet I still sat in the drive way for an hour once I got home from shopping...

its something I do all the time... its my hangup... its my self sabotage.. its my procrastination.

I got my assignment done and then I wanted to go out..I texted a few people and no one was around and I thought about going out by myself.. maybe meet a few interesting people like usual... but instead I convinced myself that I should probably just stay in.. that it had been a while since I had a day off where I was just alone with myself... and that I probably needed it.

I was antsy all night and then my friend J. called and I ran through all the things on my mind .. what I had been dealing with lately and she just said "sounds like you are in limbo" and ir resonated with me.

Since the conversation I have been watching so you think you can dance... everytime which inspires me to dance... inspires me to be me... and lately, reminds me that I love to swim, dance and ride my bike... eat healthy and sing.... it reminds me of my spirit... and every time I watch it it reminds me how much my day to day life doesn't include the things I love.

I neglect myself... I neglect what I need.. especially when there are assignments to be done.. and work to go to... and teachers to placate... I get so stressed that I forget about me.. occasionally I get back on track... go dancing or swimming... but it doesn't last very long....

I was laying here just now.. watching myself think about men... feeling sorry for myself that I still haven't found a man that adores me... watching myself be upset about school... worrying about things...

I watched as I thought about how I don't put my all into things.. and that I find it really hard to stretch myself... that I have been working really hard with extending my time... but that I don't like doing any extra work.. and when I have any down time I am usually watching TV... while I am avoiding... there's this feeling in my body... pressure in my chest and my stomach... fear...

and I just held my stomach and heart and brought the energy from my thoughts to that space...and felt that what I am missing.. what all my troubles seem to have in common is me... my love for me... my dedication to me... to doing the best I can at everything... for some reason it scares me... I feel like I just want to sit on the sidelines.. and never work too hard outwardly... it terrifies me for some reason...

I can sit here and imagine.. if I stopped distracting myself all I would have is me.... and there is still that last little piece of me that is scared to excel.. scared to stand out... scared to do everything I want... be everything I want...

right now I am wondering if its the fear of not being liked.. that when I was a kid anything that I was good at I would get criticized by someone.. and maybe that's what the fear is.. to be so great that I stand out.... and get criticized.. so I keep my passions and my interests locked up inside so that I can never hear the criticism...

maybe ultimately its a fear of criticism along with I just want to be lazy sometimes... I forget that its not work when you love it.. and I forget there are things that I love.... and should love doing... should make time for.... and that if I refocused my energy from thinking ourward.. to thinking inward... instead of navigating people and trying to sort out the men in my life... my feelings about my family... my life... if I were just to be right here.. with me... could I actually accomplish the things I really want?

I can't believe how scared I am... I know this feeling all to well.. its the anxiety I feel whenever I should do something... and don't want to... I distract myself from me.... with men, and drama, and drinking and tv and going out and work... I distract myself by making excuses about time... and experience... I know that it would take 15 minutes a day to start being able to play the guitar...but I don't do it.

I know that going swimming, or stretching, or dancing in my kitchen, yoga or going for a bike ride makes me feel good and yet I tell myself I am too tired... I know doing my homework three days early would make me feel less stressed.....I know doing some of the things I have wanted to do in other areas will make me feel more relieved.. and yet I don't... I stay away... scared to even go there..scared to explore those parts of me... its like I have blocked myself off from my love for me...

and so I ask myself.. what would it take for me to dedicate myself to doing the things I need to do for me... EVEN when I am stressed? even WHEN I have worked a 12 hour day? what would it take for me to stretch myself even further than I have.... back into myself.. where I put myself first, ahead of everything else.. EVEN SLEEP?

What would it take for me to stop wanting a man entirely... for anything? and completely embrace my aloneness?

I'm scared of my aloneness.. I am scared of having no distractions for me... I'm scared and I don't know why.

So that's where I am at tonight... just thought it would be helpful to write.

the last letter to T. where calmness took over.

I finally got the courage to share my blog today. It scares the shit out of me. I have had to use all the tactics I have accumulated over the years to curb the anxiety I had the secnd I posted it...

but I know its what I am meant to do in order to finally accept all of me.. to realize that I am me.. and this journey has been about learning how to be me at all costs.

I'm scared about what I have written and exposing the rawest parts of me... but then it is my legacy of being brave enough so others may find their humanity that drives me...

it was ultimately in running into a man that I have met a few times, and him sharing his own blog that had hints of my own that I finally got the courage to share... and I am so thankful I have met him.

I am scared that I have written things that will upset people.. I am scared that I have written about people that will not appreciate being part of the exposure of my life... but I hope that I have been able to hide the identity of those that would be hurt.

Rereading parts of my blog I see that I never completed what happened with T and I... there is only one letter about me learning how to embrace my sexuality that I removed for fear of exposing a couple men I love.... and so I will share our last interaction.

We did run into eachother... and when I got home from the bar.. this is the email I had received:

*****
I'm sorry the stars cannot align to make us work on any level. I have no idea why or how. My apologies please look within and find peace as I am constantly doing too.

******

it took me 2 days to respond... and this is my response.

*****

June 7, 2013

I'm really thankful you wrote.
I'm sorry too for everything. Its really been a crazy ride and seeing you...and not running away from you... being brave enough to come back and talk to you ...and accepting that I could share all I have with you... put my heart on the line and accept that the stars have a different plan.... changed me.
I feel like I had a conversation with myself with you as the sounding board over the past 8 months... but for some reason it was exactly what I needed... its weird and slightly uncomfortable to accept that you witnessed me practically lose my mind...I was telling myself that I was trying to get you to see your own humanity...that you could never be worse than me... by accepting me for who I really am..I wanted you to accept yourself....when I think what I was actually doing was learning to see and accept myself...and to be honest with myself about who I am...to truly love myself and believe in me.
Its so crazy to think that if only I had been able to sit back and be calm and patient... listened to you and what you needed...things would have been different.
I have been on this power surge since my mom died... almost like I'm frantically looking for the key to life... this past year everything sped up.. I couldn't wait for anything... so many things happened since last may.. and you just happened to show up when things really started to get overwhelming. When I met you I saw so much hope and felt grounded around you...I wanted that desperately back... but through not getting it... and having to survive the past year on my own I have built a tremendous capacity to trust the universe.
Seeing you changed me.
Ironically the first day you texted me and sent me those pictures saying 'dont forget my outside is just the shell to what's inside' was the first day of school...and Wednesday was the last. As of yesterday I'm in my final year...my 9th year of post secondary education...its like Im finally getting to the home stretch and I can finally breathe.
I was so scared to see you...mortified that I have really been the insane girl... embarrassed that I sent you all those letters and texts... I was scared you would hate me....but when I saw you... I believed that you weren't going to embarrass me.. and you weren't going to use anything against me... and hurt me with the knowledge you know about me. I knew that I had been right about you.... that you are one of the great ones... who can't be mean.
I couldn't help myself falling in love with you... and I remember telling myself that I had to try or I'd regret it...and try I did... slightly backwards and retarded.... lol... but I guess I'm just like that.
I've learned so much from the past year... I only wish I was this calm, accepting and clear when I met you..but then I had to meet you for that to happen...
Ah the irony of life.
If there is any way you can forgive me for putting you in such an awkward position... and find a place in your heart to allow us to laugh at the ridiculousness that has been me... it would be really nice to just hang out.
I know that's a huge request considering I just contributed 8 months of insanity to your life :(
God you know... I'm really really sorry for making your life any harder... I've been selfish. Incredibly selfish. I couldn't see past my own desires... my own loneliness... I couldn't see what you were begging me for... space.... I took it so personally ... its totally fucked.
I just couldn't see then what I see now...and I'm sorry for that...
I couldn't see that space is the most important thing. Acceptance and listening... being receptive to anything life throws at me and not resisting is the only way life works out....
I would like to get to know you. I don't know what that means.... but I liked your stories and I liked feeling like myself around you... and everything else aside... that's all I want.
Ill be honest ... if I were in your shoes... I would probably never want to talk to me again...so I know its a tall request...
Thanks for not making me feel bad.
Amanda

****

it's ironic. today being scared of sharing it was T that gave me the ultimate courage.... because there was nothing that would ultimately scare me the most than to have him reject me... and so I had to remind myself... that I have survived that... and that's what has made me free.

It was the moment I shared with him... where I owned my behaviour... that was the ultimate step in self acceptance.

His allowance of my craziness is what helped make me whole.. and that he came into my life to allow me to love deeply and instantly enough that I exposed myself fully, faced my fears and become who I am supposed to be .. and I will always be thankful for that.

I need to close that chapter so I can open my heart to another that can celebrate me.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.... the lessons are always there if we can embrace them.

Off to night shift.
A.

double lives - why I write this blog.

I just watched this TED talk
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

and it inspired me to write

To be honest the truth of our insecurities to show our real selves to society is why I started writing this blog in the first place.

It was because I could see that I was starting to sanitize what I said about myself...I was starting to worry about people knowing who I really was.... and so I vowed that I would remain authentic to myself by keeping a log of my life.. my struggles and my journey... so that I could never be 30/40/50 and say that I was stupid... it was so I could document that it was a JOURNEY.. and I knew what I knew at the time...

ironically it has allowed me to see my humanity... and allowed my level of compassion to grow...

what I have noticed is that most people play with their secret lives the way I have my own... but then they hide it from themselves. they force themselves to pretend they are what society expects them to be inside always feeling like something is missing. they are ashamed of the person they were... they can't own their choices.. it becomes a person outside of themselves.... we detach ourselves for fear of linking the parts of us society tells us are shameful.

My sexuality is perfect case in point. It is the worst thing, I as a woman can admit to.. its what men shame me for.. its what women shame me for.. and its what I have shamed myself for... but through this blog and my experiences I have come to accept it as part of me... and to have no judgement for something that comes naturally.

I have been told so many times that I am too open, I am too trusting, I am too vulnerable.. I share too much.. as though my free spirit must be reigned in...

the irony is that being me scares the shit out of me.. but it has beckoned me my whole life.. to never sell out.. to never pretend and to give the freedom to the people around me to either accept me for who I really am or not... the tough thing is that I get rejected a lot.

I am super intense... I do not waste time with people.. I do not waste time in my life...

I have been analyzing life for a very long time... and have felt like a foreigner trying to figure out how to behave in a country that doesn't suit me.. in a world that doesn't want me to be me.. and what I see is that everyone feels the same way.

we have lost our humanity... the comfort of reallizing that we are all the same... and that life is organic.

But I still exist in this world and it is why I'll sign this blog with my real name.. and then when I start feeling like what I post might soon resonate on a deeper level I go through and remove my name... because it scares the shit out of me for people to know who I really am...

the funny thing is.. all my friends know these stories.. in fact most people I meet know these stories... its the institutions I am scared of. Its the school I attend and the fear of being caught and not getting a job.. not having any money...

But I know the time will come when this blog will be the voice of so many on their own journey.. and I will have to stand up and own my life to people who will outwardly criticize. Ultimately I am beginning to understand that those that judge, judge themselves... and they are simply projecting their inability to accept all of who they are... that who I am and what I represent in this world is true authenticism... broken down and beat up... light and dark... imperfect authentic me.

I do not hide that I haven't figured it all out yet... that's what makes me human.. its the journey and trusting that the journey is leading you somewhere.

These past few years going through all that I have I have had to get deep inside myself to ask myself who I am and what I am willing to protect about me at all costs... and my connection, my relatability and love are things I will not compromise on.. and if I find myself in a position where I am forced to compromise then I must choose a different path.

Its scary leading the way of your own life.. in a society that separated humanism from business.... how can we possibly thrive if we are not to be compassionate to our fellow humans? and it is only through, recognizing and accepting our authentic lives.. and refusing to judge ourselves for playing by our own rules... not those dictated to us by societal 'norms'... because what I see is that societal 'norms' are the lives we hide from one another... and those that follow those rules are usually the ones suffering blindly on the inside.. so cut off from who they really are... because that's how you get by and become successful in business, you learn to manipulate others to get what you want...

I on the other hand remain optomistically myself.. with the hopes that it will all pan out for me one day and my authenticism will be what creates financial freedom in my life..... that it will be what beckons people to be themselves.

its lonely out here sometimes...

"if only we saw eachother's secrets what comfort we would find there." John Churton Collins

the voice inside your head

I am doing my first rotation of nights at the hosital and I am 2 hours into my day sleep and I woke up to this aweful dream where men/boys were being torured because I spoke up to this crazy man... the feeling of devestation inside me was palpable... just begging with him to stop... appologizing profusely... that whatever I believed in wasn't as important as their wellbeing...

These ast few weeks have taught me that... well its not that I didn't know... but its been more implanted in me now... that there are some people who have power and they see the world differently... and if there is no room for your interpretation in their world.. its best not to fight.. but to placate to them... because at the end of the day the truth will always remain the truth whether you believe it or not.

When I went into practice last night I had a letter waiting for me from one of the patients. She left last week and I had had the opportunity to be able to sit with her on a  few days and share my insight, allow her to question her own.. and subsequently help her to shift inside herself in whatever way she needed to.

and yet I wrote a short paper this weekend on how unprofessional I am. It is discusting that we live in a world where everyone is so scared about getting into trouble.. being sued... being misunderstood.. that life is resigned to a science.. where all interactions are deemed equal... in nursing its as though we are robots who are expected to treat everyone the same.. and yet all the literature points to the uniqueness of each individual...

sorry but if you are an ass hole to me.. if you have no room for me.. then I will not waste my breath on you... its just the way it is... and some people I meet will be ready to hear what I have to say.. and some will not... any form of real extra care and love can be misunderstood as sexual and because of that we are destined to fail eachother.

LOVE is essential. to EVERYTHING. and love comes from a unique connection to the inner self... to the earth. its organic and forces us to expand ourselves. In order to walk through any door of fear.. we must love ourselves enough to believe it will make us a better person.. we will survive...

the choice is always LOVE or FEAR.

I just came across this video and it has inspired a new thought

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

A

**** I feel I should finish with my thought about the voice inside my head.

I remember the fear of acknowledging my awarness of a voice inside my head. To acknowledge that I could witness a voice, or two, or three had me thinking I was pschizophrenic. It was an arduous process for me to come to terms with myself as the observer of my mind and not my mind itself.

Its been through this process and reading books on the ego and the spirit that has allowed me the courage to be aware of the voices... and recognize that they are the voices of love and of fear.

One is the voice that wants to protect myself and the other is the voice that is trying to figure out what I need to be whole...

through the process of self awareness I have come to see there is a place for both... and it is in using your brain.. not being the subject of your brain that has allowed me the opportunity to push myself past my comfort zone time and times again. the ego is a safety mechanism...to critically apraise a situation... but most of us are unaware of its use and so buy into the fears that it feeds us... all the concerns and worries about what could possibly go wrong...

It has been through conscious awareness of my own brain structure that I have come to see that when I am making a choice I ask myself.. is your decision based on love for yourself? or are you scared of doing it because you don't think you will be good/survive? If the choice is that I am scared... I choose to walk through that fear... and prove to myself that I am waaay bigger than I thought.. and waaay more capable.

I use the voice in my head to analyze the situation and figure out the scariest path is usually the one I am supposed to take...I use it as the tool its meant to be but at the same time I am easy on myself and I don't push myself too much, recognizing that if it gives me anxiety I am not ready for it.. and its time will come.

life is not as scary as it once was... and the more we open up to lifes experiences.. the more we will come to see what I have come to see that we are all the same. And life is beautiful.

It took me a long time to become self aware enough to not buy into the negativity that was my brain chatter... sometimes I still find it difficult because most of the time its so rationally safe... it takes a great deal of hyper vigilance to analyze a situation and make the right choice for me.. regardless of what society will think... regardless if I expose myself to being different... to following my spirit, my heart.. my destiny.

But I promised myself I would never sell out.
and that gives me the courage to continue to share.. until the day I have to stand up in front of people and share this blog and own that this is me. this is my life. and I am proud.

A

DREAM HUGE!!!! ....my bucket list

get the nobel peace prize
step foot in every country in the world
learn how to dance again - dance on stage
learn the guitar
have a strong body from doing the things I love - NOT from the gym
have and love a garden
sing with me playing the guitar
be deeply madly in love
have a baby. have two. have three.
have a camp - where kids have a place to go and learn and celebrate themselves. - maybe a school that encourages children to be themselves!
own a trampoline
kayak with killer whales
sail around the world
ride a horse at full speed in open land.
see the sun rise at the stone henge
touch every country in the world.
climb a mountain
dempster highway
swim with dolphins
see the wildabeast migration
see the caribou migration
see the pyramids
angel falls
buy all my clothes in the fair trade market
public speak about what I know.
change the system - contribute to changing the system
feel soul connected with a man
have sex in a waterfall
amazon rainforrest
own a potters wheel - make my own dishes
have my oown wood shop - make my own furniture
get a pHD - Dr. Jones
make beeswax candles every year
own a jeep - pink and rainbow
own a kayak
own a canoe
own a cabin in the rockies
own an eco tourism resort
become a master of yoga
learn a martial art that is only for self defense
write a book - have it published
have my own website
climb kilamanjaro
learn how to DJ
make lights - learn how to be an electrician
learn how to surf
go sky diving
space. - but I won't regret not doing this - jst would love to
learn tantra - practice it with my twin flame.
go camping by myself
do spoken word
own a restaurant - with all my favorite food in it / bar with all my favorite music
have a dance studio in my house with all the light in the world
get married
die with dignity
travel by car ground around the world.
visit a vineyard - learn abot wines
bartend in Ireland
learn a different message method in every country that it comes from
learn chinese medicine/acpuncture
learn naturopathic medicine
make inspiration pictures
learn osteopathy
learn aromatherapy
see a volcano
go storm chasing - seee a tornado
trvel through italy
own an old yellow bug convertable beetle with a chiquita sticker painted on it
go zip lining
learn to make money on the stock exchange
learn spanish
learn italian
learn from a medicine man
get that tattoo
raise a child the way I WANT
have a log house
have my blog inspire people to be themselves
have sex while fireworks are going off
have sex on a lighthouse
go to dharamsala
learn yoga in India
go volunteer in nepal
visit Dharamsala - see the Dalai Lama there
Do Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Thailand PROPERLY
the gibbon experience
scuba dive the great barrier reef/all the best places to scuba dive
ride a bike across Africa
own a tree house
own a trampoline
have a daughter and a son
design and build my own home
see the fireworks at the opera house in Australia
walk the great wall of china
watch the New years come in at the closest place to the date line
make mobiles for fun.. maybe light mobiles?
Tibet - see Tibet free
see a humpback whale - commune with?
giants causeway
guiness distillery
Vimy ridge
THE RED WOOD FOREST - the tallest tree in north America

night.

why we can't trust anyone

We can't trust anyone because we have this feeling deep inside us that they are going to betray us. Its what we would probably identify as intuition if we were to actually listen to our intuition. When we meet anyone, there is a small sense of impending doom.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.. but someday... you will leave me.

It is true.

If there is one thing I have come to see about life is that people leave. Whether they are the person at the drive through or the love of your life... there will be a point in your life where you will be on your own, without that person... and even if it is your argument that if you die first, then you won't be alone... well the dying process is one of complete alonenes... aloneness with who you authentically are... no more distractions... there you are.. having to be with the energy that exists inside you... who you authentically are.

Death is what we fear the most.

so when you meet someone this intution pipes up and says... hey.. just so you know this person is going to leave you.... and if they become close to you you tell youself.. somewhere.. that its ok if its only for a short time.. that you will embrace every moment.... but then something happens.. you feel incomplete without them... so if.. when they leave.. you are left feeling incomplete... you forgot that you already bargained with yourself.. you already told yourself that you would be willing to accept the end.. and here you are.. hating on the world for leaving you alone and broken.. AGAIN...

but its all in perspective... you can hate the end... or what do they say? bid it a fond and reverent farewell.. and be thankful for the beautiful moments.. and for the lessons the experience has taught you.

We don't trust anyone because we feel they are going to leave us.

We don't trust anyone because we don't trust ourselves.

Day after day we talk to ourselves like we are all retarded... like we have no clue about ANYTHING... as a society we are soo triggered by that word... retard... because it makes us think of no thought, of no clue... we have banned it from our vocabulary because we recognize that people with disabilities were once considered to have no clue, to have no "proper" thoughts.... HOW REDICULOUS! so then why do we do that to ourselves... if you put a tape receorder on inside your head I would bet a thousand times a day... maybe even hundreds of thousands of times a day you tell yourself about all the things you are not doing well... all the things you wish you could change about yourself... all the things you regret... all the things you wish you could have, or be, or do... we criticize ourselves for our past, we criticize and mentally beat the crap out of ourselves.. we act like complete retards.. like we cann't and don't know any better than to treat ourselves like crap.

Ultimately we are always paranoid that we are going to somehow fail ourselves... that our lives didn't turn out the way we planned.. that we failed ourselves along the way.. and so we can't trust ourselves..... we haven't come to see why yet... so we think we screwed up.... and I think... we are ultimately scared of death... the not knowing.. the aloneness... it is our fear of death  that feeds our concerns that we are going to mess up... and its why we can't even trust life... because LIFE is even impermanent... WTF!!!

the one thing we are holding on to like crazy ppl is the one thing that is the most transient of all things.

We can't trust ourselves because we don't see that we have survived so far... we play smaller and smaller and smaller in life... hoping to avoid the pain of the past.. so we convince ourselves that life is dangerous.. when in reality its living the crazy life that fulfills our souls... its risking your life every moment... for being on the edge of life... allowing life to be created in front of ourselves that will have the ultimate answer but thats for another time....

we have forgotten that being born was beating all the odds.. that it was hard! and arduous and painful.. and we survived... growing up was painful... and difficult and all our little dreams got stomped on... and we survived.. our heart was broken.. we've dodged death.. we've felt loss, despair, lonliness, poverty, hunger, trauma, guilt, pain.. we've all experienced pain.... and there you are..reading this page.. so I'm going to bet my life you've survived! you might be all broken and crying your eyes out right now... but I will promise you.. you are still alive.. and one day.. you will see that it was all there to help you understand.

We don't trust ourselves and we don't trust others.. because we can't see the bigger picture.... because we forget its all just a game anyways... and we make up the rules. Only way to change the rules is if EVERYONE agrees.. and the ONLY way for EVERYONE TO AGREE.. is if the answer is DIVINE TRUTH...

the goal is to see that you have always chosen the best path FOR YOU... that it may have lead you astray.. and you may feel like your intuition was fucking with you.. but ultimately.. it shone its light on the path of your own life... it made you see everything you DON'T want to be.. and NOW you get to see EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BE! you had to see how much you hated being where you were to see how much you want to be everything you WERE BORN TO BE.

You were born to be you. You were born to follow your life... and suffer... to see what you REALLY wanted.. and be able to tell the universe to cordially go fuck itself... that's the joke.. all the universe wants from you is for you to tell it to go fuck itself.. that you won't let anyone get in the way of who you authentically are... and that no money.. no one... NOTHING will stop you from being who you really are...so while telling the universe off... you can bow deeply to it.. and thank it for giving you your life and for giving you all the beautiful lessons...

We can't see that every moment is a lesson.. every moment brings us closer to ourselves... but we are distracted by the big things... we get caught up in feeling so ripped off by life.. we can't see the lessons....

I believe that if we are to trully live in an equal and just world.. in a peaceful world.. we must embrace our authenticism and only then will we  be able to care enough for ourselves that we care enough for others.

We don't trust ourselves because we think we constantly fuck up... and we can't trust other people because we think that they are going to fuck us... funny thing is.. we all are just trying to survive and we are all doing it the best way we know how.. and HONESTLY? what the other person does had nothing to do with you in the first place.

If you could make a chart about someone's life... a web of all the people in the world and the random moments they come into each other's lives... and out... we would see its all a crap shoot anyways... we get what we get... we get the life perfectly designed to bring out the best in ourselves.. if only we could see.

I hope through these chapters I am able to help you to see what I have seen.. to help you gain insight into your own mind and the nagging feeling inside you that this can't be it. I hope you can come on this journey with me while I share my insights... and hope that it can help you free yourself...

my #1 goal in life is to help people love themselves... it is my solemn vow.. and it has taken me feeling what you feel to be able to analyze it... Ive been where you are... and I will be there again... it is the journey.... it is being able to ride the waves of life with hope and joy and love and appreciation... it is ultimately not about being safe... but about being real. Who we really are.

We don't trust others because we got hurt a thousand times and we are scared of getting hurt because we haven't seen all the lessons all the pain has taught us.. we haven't learned from our life... we have reacted to it... we pretend that we don't have the capacity to reflect on our lives.. we pretend things didn't happen.. we pretend we are not who we are and we are scared of who we actually are.. we are terrified of being ourselves... because we are scared of losing the people we love.. because we haven't embraced that people come and go.. and ultimately.. they were the reasons we can see how awesome we really are...that's why we love them.. thats why we should love ourselves.. because we chose the perfect person for us.. to teach us the lesson we needed to learn. to ultimately teach us that we are perfect...

As soon as you can see you have survived life.. that you are WAAAY stronger than you think you are.. and stealthy.. that you are masterful at survival.. then life will start to not appear so scary... you have survived the worst of your life so far.. you will survive the worst of your life in the future... you are a survivor.... you can trust that you always will make the right decision for yourself... and the more you listen to your intuition.. the more prepared for the downs you can be.... so you embrace them as they happen and get excited for the rainbow at the end.

one of my favorite sayings is its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain.

You can trust yourself.. and you can trust others... if they fuck up they didn't know any better.. if you fuck up.. you didn't know any better either... too bad. try again.

the summer solstice/ the full moon closest to the earth this year

So much has happened in the past month. Incredibly difficult... and incredibly terrifying. I faced my biggest fears.... I have survived the worst of my fears... and something has opened up inside me.. I see what I want... I see I can obtain it... and I trust that I may not understand how that is going to happen.. but by trully trusting myself... trusting the universe... trusting this crazy thing we call life... my ultiate dreams will come true... not because I pursue the money.. but because I pursue the feeling of freedom.... freedom from any oppression, free from any judgements... free from any fear.

I have been rejected by my twin. I have been rejected by my true love.... I have fought for myself and had to face that I was more important than any of my plans... my authenticism is what matters most.. and I will not sell out on myself for any reason.

bottom line is that I have never and will never sell out on myself... even in the face of losing the man of my dreams.. and even in the face of being faced with having to quit school.... give up on how I thought this was going to go... and I am incredibly empowered... and I realize... I have a book. I have sooo much to teach.. so much to share.. and this blog was the beginning, but my ability to synopsize my lessons is my next step...

I have a book inside me... and I am going to write the names of tentative chapters here.

what fires together wires together
how trauma triggers the first pain you have never dealt with
the biggest lesson of relationships
the biggest lesson of losing what you thought you wanted
our biggest fear of being with yourself
why you hate yourself - confusion between love and hate
why we get sick
the ultimate goal - self love, self acceptance
why we can't trust ANYONE
what is anxiety?
why we use drugs - hypothesis into the resulting mental disorders
why you hate your best friend/closest  family.
watching yourself
why we are sooo scared of ourselves and why we are so scared of everyone else.
what real meditation looks like... meditating through life.
men need to embrace their feminity and women need to embrace their masculinity
WHOLENESS
finding the child you still are
cleaning your house, finances, health, being on time, organization is a key component
the ultimate acceptance

the big hypothesis
the books I've read

I think ultimately this will become a website... where people from all over the world can contribute papers, and evidence to support the ideas they agree with. EVIDENCE is the only way to prove that my ideas can work FOR EVERYONE>... they have to be true. people think differently... I only attempt to explain it from my perspective. I do not claim to know the truth... I only claim to have hypotheses. This is my truth.. and if it is everyone else's then great. If not... then oh well.

So there.. that's what I have so far.

The new moon.

I think I may have finally found the space. The space that allows me to still believe that those moments we shared will never be surpassed by another human being... or experience ... and not being resentful...and not trying to convince myself that I'm crazy to feel the way I do... and not longing either... not being hopeful... but not being scared.... not being hurt and not blaming you... not being cynical about men...or love...and not staying attached where the thought of losing you forever is literally painful....

The only way I can describe it is being completely present. Not thinking about the days we spent together or the pain of being rejected and ignored...and not thinking about being a failure...not thinking about the future and having anxiety about running into you...or of having hope about one day you figuring your shit out.

Its honestly not thinking at all... just being in the moment.

I spent an hour and a half tonight watching the sunset. I spent 12 hours at the hospital talking primarily with a Greek woman who didn't say anything in English to me until the end when I said... 'you like me? :)' and she replied ' yes, I like you' in a thick Greek accent. I spent the past few days being completely random... spontaneously going back to Guelph for a night... and working 6 days last week.... I suppose I am finally coming to a point where the shit from the past 8 months has totally put everytging into perspective.... and the only way to be truly happy is to lose all judgement of every moment.. and just flow... without comparison.

A deeply different place than I have ever been before.

A deep calmness with no brain chatter... just the sound of this voice.... and the birds and frogs in the background.

You know this journey has been an incredible lesson in watching how I can tell myself to feel a certain way all I want... but until I find the space in my being.... I feel the way I do... that I spent so much time hating on you for ignoring me and hating on myself for going back for more... when all we both were doing was following our hearts.

  Meeting you was very auspicious...and since meeting you I have learned things about myself I would have never known had it not been for all these random things. Its been so difficult because I have been being stretched beyond my wildest capabilities.

  I asked the universe to make me whole.

The day I met you... when I told you.. 'if I think you are who I think you are...This is going to be the most painful experience we will ever go through... because everything I don't like about you is everything I don't like about me... and everything you don't like about me is going to be something you don't like about yourself.' I prepared myself somehow psychologically to take on as big a storm as I could...to make me whole .

I think what I have come to realize about wholeness its letting go of all the excuses you have to not feeling loved. To letting love come in and over flow... regardless of the situation... and accepting life to exist. Coming to realize that even if I never find a life partner, or am able to raise children...even if every person I have ever and will ever love, abandons me... I will somehow survive.... that I trust myself to figure it out... no matter what.

That me on my own works much better than some whole families... that I dance to a different beat.... and I can always rely on myself....independence I guess. Recognizing that I am the most independent woman I know.... I have come to really know myself over the past year.

The universe constantly challenging me to observe myself in the most uncomfortable situations... like Cody getting his friend to call me to tell me he was really sick. .. even though I hadn't seen him in 4 years and we were never even super close....to talking to him about death and honouring myself...to accepting there was nothing I could do to save him....and that he plays a piece in the vastness of life. to taking care of L. the weekend her daughter died.

My best friend not talking to me for 7 months... and experience meeting one guy after another that just vanishes. I have been able to witness myself in cycle after cycle after cycle of the same trigger and the same behaviour... I'm not fully there yet... but I notice myself being aware of things that trigger me and delving into why....to be able to define what scares me and abate my fears... I guess? T. I have never felt so light. So accepting of life.... just letting go of all expectations and just having a deep knowing that my life will be born out of the all mighty creativity that feeds it.... and that I never wanted a boring life.... so I haven to take every risk I can...and be OK with it...however it works out.

I do not claim to be strong enough yet for this feeling to stick through everything...because of course I still have triggers.... but its gotten far easier to observe and let go than ever before in my life. I'm sitting under the stars right now... listening to the frogs chirping.... thinking I'm the luckiest girl in the world :)

I can't wait til the fireflies come out. Miraculously I got through 8 months of being unemployed in nursing school... that I somehow figured out how to keep my apartment in the country and I'm brave enough to live here on my own come june.... that I can survive anything....and I have no regrets so I'm willing to die at any time too.... And ultimately to accept the pace of my own beat...the pace of everyone else's beat...and the depth of love I have...of gratitude.

  I have tentative plans for the future... but ultimately I think its being prepared for anything... and knowing that ill survive....and flourish no matter what I have to leave behind. That I believe in myself...in my life and that I know the truth. Its a profound new moon for me. Presence. A.

the debilitating fear of being vulnerable

So.. I have felt anxious all day... progressively it got worse.. until tonight... I feel empty.. like my gas tank is on empty around men... I feel like I have just loved these men who have been so mean to me... I love them so much and they ignore me. All of them. They just ignore me... they don't give a shit how I am doing. They don't give a shit about me... and yet I know they care about me... its totally fucked up.

I am in a very deep feeling-sorry-for-myself place right now.... I am definately starting to feel really lonely again.

I just wrote this letter to T. and told myself I can't send it.
*******

t.,

Today my friends wanted to go to the park, they suggested the one in front of your house and I refused to go... I told them that I am terrified to run into you that I am embarrassed and still in love with you.. that I feel crazy and that I just can't. Then the voice in my heart said "A.... you can't be scared of a park... seriously? you didn't do anything wrong... it'll be ok.. this is silly... you can't be scaredof T..."

I told my friends that I realized I was being rediculous so I went to the park... I had anxiety all day... in fact I have been realizing that my anxiety is been increasing more and more lately... especially when I am out.

I am terrified to run into you...

but I tell myself constantly that its rediculous... it goes away.. but then keeps coming back and I can't seem to shake it.

these past 8 months have been insane for me... I have had the worst year of my life.. and then to have had this weird thing happen with you.. I'm just so confused... I know everything happens for a reason.. I know that I am going through this for a reason... I know that its all happening exactly as it should and yet Im fucking terrified.

and the worst part is I have no idea what I am so terrified about.

I hate that I shared so much of myself..thinking that if I just kept sharing my feelings that you would realize that none of us are perfect.. and that you are lovable anyways... that there is nothing about you that can't be loved... I guess I was also sharing it all because I was forcing myself to do what scared me the most so I wouldn't be so scared of life anymore...

I keep telling myself that my decisions to stay in contact was because I had to see.... I had to try.... I remind myself that there was a 0.000000000001% chance that by me exposing who I really was to you.. that you would actually remember that feeling you felt on the porch... and there was a 99.999999999% chance I would chase you as far away as humanly possible away from me... I weighed it... even if for a split second... and that I can't be mad or embarrassed for myself for trying. .. and yet I am.

I keep thinking back to when you actually wrote me... and we talked for those couple of days... it felt so good to know that you were ok... and then when you started to get weird about me wanting to see you... I was so hurt.... that I felt I had earned atleast your communication... I wanted to desperately to see you... that I ruined any chance to .. and yet I didn't want to just be ok with you not recognizing how hard all this was for me... as I am writing this I am feeling really selfish.. and stupid.

I told you that I could handle however you were.. and that we didn't have to see eachother and then I got mad when you couldn't handle it.

I guess I want to be this super strong person who gets it... but I am just trying to figure it out as I go along... and clearly I lied.. I couldn't handle it.  

I feel like I did something wrong.. that I fucked this up right royally.. that I totally misunderstood that feeling I felt.. and have felt.

I can't explain how much you confuse me... I can't explain how difficult this has been on me... and how confused I am that I still care for you and don't hate you.. its like I can't.. everytime I want to hate you... cut you out of my heart and my memory like I do with the men in my life that have hurt me... I can't.... I feel like a prisoner to constantly making a fool out of myself.

The worst part is I have NO IDEA about how Any of anything i have said has landed.

I just had to assume that after all the letters in the fall when you wrote me again.. it meant something.. it meant that you still cared... you wanted to.. but you just couldn't articulate anything.

I don't know what I was thinking... I just need you to tell me something. please. I will always wonder if you just think I am a crazy person.. or if any of anything I ever wrote you made any positive impact in your life. Please just tell me that.

I just want something real with someone. I am craving ONE PERSON that I can be 100% honest with... just one person. everyone else is so fucking fake and judgemental and negative... I just want one person who understands me. I think you do and that's why I can't let go.... because I think you are the first and only person I have ever met that just understands me...

I'm so hurt... its painful to think about you.. I have to actively force myself to tell myself that I must have been wrong.... I have to actively tell myself that I was wrong about you and its painful... its painful to be wrong about you.

I get that you might be at a difficult time in your life.. but your ignoring every single thing I have sent you and written.. I didn't expect you to get back in contact.. but I thought.. trully I thought that you would... you would just see.... that there is no one who will ever be as vulnerable, honest and like you as me... I guess I had hoped that underneath all the bullshit you were really like me and it would be nice to know that you weren't strange.. that you were designed perfectly.

Now I just feel flawed... and I am struggling with my heart right now.. with trusting it.. considering it thought that you were the one.. and that I was obviously completely wrong. I have felt a lot of feelings in my life.. and I had never felt the way I did with you those two nights... nothing had ever felt so comfortable. and now... 8 months out be at a point where I have to convince myself that it was bullshit is totally surreal. I try and convince myself that its not that that wasn't real.. its that you changed your mind... but I feel like I am lying to myself.... its painful to give up. Its the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

I feel hopeless. I feel like if that wasn't real.. if that feeling was bullshit then I will never find the kind of love I am looking for. and that scares me.

I have never had a man make me feel as safe. Its completely ironic that now you scare me the most.

I can only feel like a failure. I'm completely lost.

A.