I finally got the courage to share my blog today. It scares the shit out of me. I have had to use all the tactics I have accumulated over the years to curb the anxiety I had the secnd I posted it...
but I know its what I am meant to do in order to finally accept all of me.. to realize that I am me.. and this journey has been about learning how to be me at all costs.
I'm scared about what I have written and exposing the rawest parts of me... but then it is my legacy of being brave enough so others may find their humanity that drives me...
it was ultimately in running into a man that I have met a few times, and him sharing his own blog that had hints of my own that I finally got the courage to share... and I am so thankful I have met him.
I am scared that I have written things that will upset people.. I am scared that I have written about people that will not appreciate being part of the exposure of my life... but I hope that I have been able to hide the identity of those that would be hurt.
Rereading parts of my blog I see that I never completed what happened with T and I... there is only one letter about me learning how to embrace my sexuality that I removed for fear of exposing a couple men I love.... and so I will share our last interaction.
We did run into eachother... and when I got home from the bar.. this is the email I had received:
*****
I'm sorry the stars cannot align to make us work on any level. I have no idea why or how. My apologies please look within and find peace as I am constantly doing too.
******
it took me 2 days to respond... and this is my response.
*****
June 7, 2013
I'm really thankful you wrote.
I'm sorry too for everything. Its really been a crazy ride and seeing you...and not running away from you... being brave enough to come back and talk to you ...and accepting that I could share all I have with you... put my heart on the line and accept that the stars have a different plan.... changed me.
I feel like I had a conversation with myself with you as the sounding board over the past 8 months... but for some reason it was exactly what I needed... its weird and slightly uncomfortable to accept that you witnessed me practically lose my mind...I was telling myself that I was trying to get you to see your own humanity...that you could never be worse than me... by accepting me for who I really am..I wanted you to accept yourself....when I think what I was actually doing was learning to see and accept myself...and to be honest with myself about who I am...to truly love myself and believe in me.
Its so crazy to think that if only I had been able to sit back and be calm and patient... listened to you and what you needed...things would have been different.
I have been on this power surge since my mom died... almost like I'm frantically looking for the key to life... this past year everything sped up.. I couldn't wait for anything... so many things happened since last may.. and you just happened to show up when things really started to get overwhelming. When I met you I saw so much hope and felt grounded around you...I wanted that desperately back... but through not getting it... and having to survive the past year on my own I have built a tremendous capacity to trust the universe.
Seeing you changed me.
Ironically the first day you texted me and sent me those pictures saying 'dont forget my outside is just the shell to what's inside' was the first day of school...and Wednesday was the last. As of yesterday I'm in my final year...my 9th year of post secondary education...its like Im finally getting to the home stretch and I can finally breathe.
I was so scared to see you...mortified that I have really been the insane girl... embarrassed that I sent you all those letters and texts... I was scared you would hate me....but when I saw you... I believed that you weren't going to embarrass me.. and you weren't going to use anything against me... and hurt me with the knowledge you know about me. I knew that I had been right about you.... that you are one of the great ones... who can't be mean.
I couldn't help myself falling in love with you... and I remember telling myself that I had to try or I'd regret it...and try I did... slightly backwards and retarded.... lol... but I guess I'm just like that.
I've learned so much from the past year... I only wish I was this calm, accepting and clear when I met you..but then I had to meet you for that to happen...
Ah the irony of life.
If there is any way you can forgive me for putting you in such an awkward position... and find a place in your heart to allow us to laugh at the ridiculousness that has been me... it would be really nice to just hang out.
I know that's a huge request considering I just contributed 8 months of insanity to your life :(
God you know... I'm really really sorry for making your life any harder... I've been selfish. Incredibly selfish. I couldn't see past my own desires... my own loneliness... I couldn't see what you were begging me for... space.... I took it so personally ... its totally fucked.
I just couldn't see then what I see now...and I'm sorry for that...
I couldn't see that space is the most important thing. Acceptance and listening... being receptive to anything life throws at me and not resisting is the only way life works out....
I would like to get to know you. I don't know what that means.... but I liked your stories and I liked feeling like myself around you... and everything else aside... that's all I want.
Ill be honest ... if I were in your shoes... I would probably never want to talk to me again...so I know its a tall request...
Thanks for not making me feel bad.
Amanda
****
it's ironic. today being scared of sharing it was T that gave me the ultimate courage.... because there was nothing that would ultimately scare me the most than to have him reject me... and so I had to remind myself... that I have survived that... and that's what has made me free.
It was the moment I shared with him... where I owned my behaviour... that was the ultimate step in self acceptance.
His allowance of my craziness is what helped make me whole.. and that he came into my life to allow me to love deeply and instantly enough that I exposed myself fully, faced my fears and become who I am supposed to be .. and I will always be thankful for that.
I need to close that chapter so I can open my heart to another that can celebrate me.
Everyone comes into your life for a reason.... the lessons are always there if we can embrace them.
Off to night shift.
A.
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