the debilitating fear of being vulnerable

So.. I have felt anxious all day... progressively it got worse.. until tonight... I feel empty.. like my gas tank is on empty around men... I feel like I have just loved these men who have been so mean to me... I love them so much and they ignore me. All of them. They just ignore me... they don't give a shit how I am doing. They don't give a shit about me... and yet I know they care about me... its totally fucked up.

I am in a very deep feeling-sorry-for-myself place right now.... I am definately starting to feel really lonely again.

I just wrote this letter to T. and told myself I can't send it.
*******

t.,

Today my friends wanted to go to the park, they suggested the one in front of your house and I refused to go... I told them that I am terrified to run into you that I am embarrassed and still in love with you.. that I feel crazy and that I just can't. Then the voice in my heart said "A.... you can't be scared of a park... seriously? you didn't do anything wrong... it'll be ok.. this is silly... you can't be scaredof T..."

I told my friends that I realized I was being rediculous so I went to the park... I had anxiety all day... in fact I have been realizing that my anxiety is been increasing more and more lately... especially when I am out.

I am terrified to run into you...

but I tell myself constantly that its rediculous... it goes away.. but then keeps coming back and I can't seem to shake it.

these past 8 months have been insane for me... I have had the worst year of my life.. and then to have had this weird thing happen with you.. I'm just so confused... I know everything happens for a reason.. I know that I am going through this for a reason... I know that its all happening exactly as it should and yet Im fucking terrified.

and the worst part is I have no idea what I am so terrified about.

I hate that I shared so much of myself..thinking that if I just kept sharing my feelings that you would realize that none of us are perfect.. and that you are lovable anyways... that there is nothing about you that can't be loved... I guess I was also sharing it all because I was forcing myself to do what scared me the most so I wouldn't be so scared of life anymore...

I keep telling myself that my decisions to stay in contact was because I had to see.... I had to try.... I remind myself that there was a 0.000000000001% chance that by me exposing who I really was to you.. that you would actually remember that feeling you felt on the porch... and there was a 99.999999999% chance I would chase you as far away as humanly possible away from me... I weighed it... even if for a split second... and that I can't be mad or embarrassed for myself for trying. .. and yet I am.

I keep thinking back to when you actually wrote me... and we talked for those couple of days... it felt so good to know that you were ok... and then when you started to get weird about me wanting to see you... I was so hurt.... that I felt I had earned atleast your communication... I wanted to desperately to see you... that I ruined any chance to .. and yet I didn't want to just be ok with you not recognizing how hard all this was for me... as I am writing this I am feeling really selfish.. and stupid.

I told you that I could handle however you were.. and that we didn't have to see eachother and then I got mad when you couldn't handle it.

I guess I want to be this super strong person who gets it... but I am just trying to figure it out as I go along... and clearly I lied.. I couldn't handle it.  

I feel like I did something wrong.. that I fucked this up right royally.. that I totally misunderstood that feeling I felt.. and have felt.

I can't explain how much you confuse me... I can't explain how difficult this has been on me... and how confused I am that I still care for you and don't hate you.. its like I can't.. everytime I want to hate you... cut you out of my heart and my memory like I do with the men in my life that have hurt me... I can't.... I feel like a prisoner to constantly making a fool out of myself.

The worst part is I have NO IDEA about how Any of anything i have said has landed.

I just had to assume that after all the letters in the fall when you wrote me again.. it meant something.. it meant that you still cared... you wanted to.. but you just couldn't articulate anything.

I don't know what I was thinking... I just need you to tell me something. please. I will always wonder if you just think I am a crazy person.. or if any of anything I ever wrote you made any positive impact in your life. Please just tell me that.

I just want something real with someone. I am craving ONE PERSON that I can be 100% honest with... just one person. everyone else is so fucking fake and judgemental and negative... I just want one person who understands me. I think you do and that's why I can't let go.... because I think you are the first and only person I have ever met that just understands me...

I'm so hurt... its painful to think about you.. I have to actively force myself to tell myself that I must have been wrong.... I have to actively tell myself that I was wrong about you and its painful... its painful to be wrong about you.

I get that you might be at a difficult time in your life.. but your ignoring every single thing I have sent you and written.. I didn't expect you to get back in contact.. but I thought.. trully I thought that you would... you would just see.... that there is no one who will ever be as vulnerable, honest and like you as me... I guess I had hoped that underneath all the bullshit you were really like me and it would be nice to know that you weren't strange.. that you were designed perfectly.

Now I just feel flawed... and I am struggling with my heart right now.. with trusting it.. considering it thought that you were the one.. and that I was obviously completely wrong. I have felt a lot of feelings in my life.. and I had never felt the way I did with you those two nights... nothing had ever felt so comfortable. and now... 8 months out be at a point where I have to convince myself that it was bullshit is totally surreal. I try and convince myself that its not that that wasn't real.. its that you changed your mind... but I feel like I am lying to myself.... its painful to give up. Its the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

I feel hopeless. I feel like if that wasn't real.. if that feeling was bullshit then I will never find the kind of love I am looking for. and that scares me.

I have never had a man make me feel as safe. Its completely ironic that now you scare me the most.

I can only feel like a failure. I'm completely lost.

A.