the voice inside your head

I am doing my first rotation of nights at the hosital and I am 2 hours into my day sleep and I woke up to this aweful dream where men/boys were being torured because I spoke up to this crazy man... the feeling of devestation inside me was palpable... just begging with him to stop... appologizing profusely... that whatever I believed in wasn't as important as their wellbeing...

These ast few weeks have taught me that... well its not that I didn't know... but its been more implanted in me now... that there are some people who have power and they see the world differently... and if there is no room for your interpretation in their world.. its best not to fight.. but to placate to them... because at the end of the day the truth will always remain the truth whether you believe it or not.

When I went into practice last night I had a letter waiting for me from one of the patients. She left last week and I had had the opportunity to be able to sit with her on a  few days and share my insight, allow her to question her own.. and subsequently help her to shift inside herself in whatever way she needed to.

and yet I wrote a short paper this weekend on how unprofessional I am. It is discusting that we live in a world where everyone is so scared about getting into trouble.. being sued... being misunderstood.. that life is resigned to a science.. where all interactions are deemed equal... in nursing its as though we are robots who are expected to treat everyone the same.. and yet all the literature points to the uniqueness of each individual...

sorry but if you are an ass hole to me.. if you have no room for me.. then I will not waste my breath on you... its just the way it is... and some people I meet will be ready to hear what I have to say.. and some will not... any form of real extra care and love can be misunderstood as sexual and because of that we are destined to fail eachother.

LOVE is essential. to EVERYTHING. and love comes from a unique connection to the inner self... to the earth. its organic and forces us to expand ourselves. In order to walk through any door of fear.. we must love ourselves enough to believe it will make us a better person.. we will survive...

the choice is always LOVE or FEAR.

I just came across this video and it has inspired a new thought

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

A

**** I feel I should finish with my thought about the voice inside my head.

I remember the fear of acknowledging my awarness of a voice inside my head. To acknowledge that I could witness a voice, or two, or three had me thinking I was pschizophrenic. It was an arduous process for me to come to terms with myself as the observer of my mind and not my mind itself.

Its been through this process and reading books on the ego and the spirit that has allowed me the courage to be aware of the voices... and recognize that they are the voices of love and of fear.

One is the voice that wants to protect myself and the other is the voice that is trying to figure out what I need to be whole...

through the process of self awareness I have come to see there is a place for both... and it is in using your brain.. not being the subject of your brain that has allowed me the opportunity to push myself past my comfort zone time and times again. the ego is a safety mechanism...to critically apraise a situation... but most of us are unaware of its use and so buy into the fears that it feeds us... all the concerns and worries about what could possibly go wrong...

It has been through conscious awareness of my own brain structure that I have come to see that when I am making a choice I ask myself.. is your decision based on love for yourself? or are you scared of doing it because you don't think you will be good/survive? If the choice is that I am scared... I choose to walk through that fear... and prove to myself that I am waaay bigger than I thought.. and waaay more capable.

I use the voice in my head to analyze the situation and figure out the scariest path is usually the one I am supposed to take...I use it as the tool its meant to be but at the same time I am easy on myself and I don't push myself too much, recognizing that if it gives me anxiety I am not ready for it.. and its time will come.

life is not as scary as it once was... and the more we open up to lifes experiences.. the more we will come to see what I have come to see that we are all the same. And life is beautiful.

It took me a long time to become self aware enough to not buy into the negativity that was my brain chatter... sometimes I still find it difficult because most of the time its so rationally safe... it takes a great deal of hyper vigilance to analyze a situation and make the right choice for me.. regardless of what society will think... regardless if I expose myself to being different... to following my spirit, my heart.. my destiny.

But I promised myself I would never sell out.
and that gives me the courage to continue to share.. until the day I have to stand up in front of people and share this blog and own that this is me. this is my life. and I am proud.

A