I just watched this TED talk
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1
and it inspired me to write
To be honest the truth of our insecurities to show our real selves to society is why I started writing this blog in the first place.
It was because I could see that I was starting to sanitize what I said about myself...I was starting to worry about people knowing who I really was.... and so I vowed that I would remain authentic to myself by keeping a log of my life.. my struggles and my journey... so that I could never be 30/40/50 and say that I was stupid... it was so I could document that it was a JOURNEY.. and I knew what I knew at the time...
ironically it has allowed me to see my humanity... and allowed my level of compassion to grow...
what I have noticed is that most people play with their secret lives the way I have my own... but then they hide it from themselves. they force themselves to pretend they are what society expects them to be inside always feeling like something is missing. they are ashamed of the person they were... they can't own their choices.. it becomes a person outside of themselves.... we detach ourselves for fear of linking the parts of us society tells us are shameful.
My sexuality is perfect case in point. It is the worst thing, I as a woman can admit to.. its what men shame me for.. its what women shame me for.. and its what I have shamed myself for... but through this blog and my experiences I have come to accept it as part of me... and to have no judgement for something that comes naturally.
I have been told so many times that I am too open, I am too trusting, I am too vulnerable.. I share too much.. as though my free spirit must be reigned in...
the irony is that being me scares the shit out of me.. but it has beckoned me my whole life.. to never sell out.. to never pretend and to give the freedom to the people around me to either accept me for who I really am or not... the tough thing is that I get rejected a lot.
I am super intense... I do not waste time with people.. I do not waste time in my life...
I have been analyzing life for a very long time... and have felt like a foreigner trying to figure out how to behave in a country that doesn't suit me.. in a world that doesn't want me to be me.. and what I see is that everyone feels the same way.
we have lost our humanity... the comfort of reallizing that we are all the same... and that life is organic.
But I still exist in this world and it is why I'll sign this blog with my real name.. and then when I start feeling like what I post might soon resonate on a deeper level I go through and remove my name... because it scares the shit out of me for people to know who I really am...
the funny thing is.. all my friends know these stories.. in fact most people I meet know these stories... its the institutions I am scared of. Its the school I attend and the fear of being caught and not getting a job.. not having any money...
But I know the time will come when this blog will be the voice of so many on their own journey.. and I will have to stand up and own my life to people who will outwardly criticize. Ultimately I am beginning to understand that those that judge, judge themselves... and they are simply projecting their inability to accept all of who they are... that who I am and what I represent in this world is true authenticism... broken down and beat up... light and dark... imperfect authentic me.
I do not hide that I haven't figured it all out yet... that's what makes me human.. its the journey and trusting that the journey is leading you somewhere.
These past few years going through all that I have I have had to get deep inside myself to ask myself who I am and what I am willing to protect about me at all costs... and my connection, my relatability and love are things I will not compromise on.. and if I find myself in a position where I am forced to compromise then I must choose a different path.
Its scary leading the way of your own life.. in a society that separated humanism from business.... how can we possibly thrive if we are not to be compassionate to our fellow humans? and it is only through, recognizing and accepting our authentic lives.. and refusing to judge ourselves for playing by our own rules... not those dictated to us by societal 'norms'... because what I see is that societal 'norms' are the lives we hide from one another... and those that follow those rules are usually the ones suffering blindly on the inside.. so cut off from who they really are... because that's how you get by and become successful in business, you learn to manipulate others to get what you want...
I on the other hand remain optomistically myself.. with the hopes that it will all pan out for me one day and my authenticism will be what creates financial freedom in my life..... that it will be what beckons people to be themselves.
its lonely out here sometimes...
"if only we saw eachother's secrets what comfort we would find there." John Churton Collins
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