I am in a state of limbo today.
I felt it all day...
This morning I felt deep grief for the loss of T. .... its the connection I miss... the tangible feeling of being gotten when no one on the planet seems to really understand me..
The feeling I felt when I met him was a glimpse into something I had only imagined.... and since... every time I try and get over him... I struggle with the loss of that feeling.
Throughout this journey I have continually asked myself "if he's your mirror... if they are all your mirror than what are you missing?"
Time and time i come back to me. That I must somehow not be available... if that's what I am getting back from the universe.
Its weird, in the past two weeks I have met 4 men who just think I'm amazing.
one told me that I was incredibly special and that I could never just be with anyone... that I had to find a man who was as special as me.. and to never change
one told me that I was a love sprinkler and saw the depths of my love and appreciated it
one danced with me and told me he just felt like he wanted to shower love down on me
and the last told me that he had never had someone cut into his soul so clearly and so quick and that I ws dangerous because of how attracted he was to me.... and thanked me for our conversation.
three of them are in long term comitted reltionships, 2 of those are married. and the fourth dissapeared without getting my number.
So then I ask myself why?
why do these men that seem to get me.. that seem to think I deserve the world and all it has to offer not be available to me?
When I woke up today I was so sad about T and I wrote him a quick messge asking him if he would be willing to hang out and have fun... so I could prove being around me doesn't always have to be intense and dramatic.
As I wrote it I didn't know if I believed it myself.
I don't know how to REALLY have fun.... and be light hearted... my life has seemed like a struggle my whole life... and I feel like I have been constantly on the look out for being misunderstood.... always trying to make sure that I don't appear TOO different than anyone else.
But slowly over the past two years I have become more and more myself outwardly, I share more and more about what I believe and what I know... and every time I expose more of myself the more committed I become to myself... and to staying myself.
It's weird... its partially that... but partially that I have just become more and more aware of myself and I have learned to like myself more and more and so I am standing up for myself and what I believe and what I want.... I becoming more of what I want to be...
What I learned from the last relationship is that I want my partner to understand me... and to not have to worry about him being insecure or have to explain things about what I know is sooo abstract.. I need to find someone who just gets me.. so we are on the same playing field.
and yet... I meet these men and they are unavailable. so I ask myself.. if they are all mirrors to me.. what am I projecting...
being in limbo today was weird.. I had things I had to do for school and I dauttled. I got it all done but I noticed myself trying to find anything to do but the thing that was MOST important. I knew it was.. but I didn't want to... so like me to not do what I don't want to.. and yet... if I want what I want.. I have to do it... I finally told myself that I wasn't allowed to do anything until I did that... and yet I still sat in the drive way for an hour once I got home from shopping...
its something I do all the time... its my hangup... its my self sabotage.. its my procrastination.
I got my assignment done and then I wanted to go out..I texted a few people and no one was around and I thought about going out by myself.. maybe meet a few interesting people like usual... but instead I convinced myself that I should probably just stay in.. that it had been a while since I had a day off where I was just alone with myself... and that I probably needed it.
I was antsy all night and then my friend J. called and I ran through all the things on my mind .. what I had been dealing with lately and she just said "sounds like you are in limbo" and ir resonated with me.
Since the conversation I have been watching so you think you can dance... everytime which inspires me to dance... inspires me to be me... and lately, reminds me that I love to swim, dance and ride my bike... eat healthy and sing.... it reminds me of my spirit... and every time I watch it it reminds me how much my day to day life doesn't include the things I love.
I neglect myself... I neglect what I need.. especially when there are assignments to be done.. and work to go to... and teachers to placate... I get so stressed that I forget about me.. occasionally I get back on track... go dancing or swimming... but it doesn't last very long....
I was laying here just now.. watching myself think about men... feeling sorry for myself that I still haven't found a man that adores me... watching myself be upset about school... worrying about things...
I watched as I thought about how I don't put my all into things.. and that I find it really hard to stretch myself... that I have been working really hard with extending my time... but that I don't like doing any extra work.. and when I have any down time I am usually watching TV... while I am avoiding... there's this feeling in my body... pressure in my chest and my stomach... fear...
and I just held my stomach and heart and brought the energy from my thoughts to that space...and felt that what I am missing.. what all my troubles seem to have in common is me... my love for me... my dedication to me... to doing the best I can at everything... for some reason it scares me... I feel like I just want to sit on the sidelines.. and never work too hard outwardly... it terrifies me for some reason...
I can sit here and imagine.. if I stopped distracting myself all I would have is me.... and there is still that last little piece of me that is scared to excel.. scared to stand out... scared to do everything I want... be everything I want...
right now I am wondering if its the fear of not being liked.. that when I was a kid anything that I was good at I would get criticized by someone.. and maybe that's what the fear is.. to be so great that I stand out.... and get criticized.. so I keep my passions and my interests locked up inside so that I can never hear the criticism...
maybe ultimately its a fear of criticism along with I just want to be lazy sometimes... I forget that its not work when you love it.. and I forget there are things that I love.... and should love doing... should make time for.... and that if I refocused my energy from thinking ourward.. to thinking inward... instead of navigating people and trying to sort out the men in my life... my feelings about my family... my life... if I were just to be right here.. with me... could I actually accomplish the things I really want?
I can't believe how scared I am... I know this feeling all to well.. its the anxiety I feel whenever I should do something... and don't want to... I distract myself from me.... with men, and drama, and drinking and tv and going out and work... I distract myself by making excuses about time... and experience... I know that it would take 15 minutes a day to start being able to play the guitar...but I don't do it.
I know that going swimming, or stretching, or dancing in my kitchen, yoga or going for a bike ride makes me feel good and yet I tell myself I am too tired... I know doing my homework three days early would make me feel less stressed.....I know doing some of the things I have wanted to do in other areas will make me feel more relieved.. and yet I don't... I stay away... scared to even go there..scared to explore those parts of me... its like I have blocked myself off from my love for me...
and so I ask myself.. what would it take for me to dedicate myself to doing the things I need to do for me... EVEN when I am stressed? even WHEN I have worked a 12 hour day? what would it take for me to stretch myself even further than I have.... back into myself.. where I put myself first, ahead of everything else.. EVEN SLEEP?
What would it take for me to stop wanting a man entirely... for anything? and completely embrace my aloneness?
I'm scared of my aloneness.. I am scared of having no distractions for me... I'm scared and I don't know why.
So that's where I am at tonight... just thought it would be helpful to write.
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