I cannot believe how much I've changed in the past year. I finally have a feeling that I know what I want. I know what I believe and no one will prevent me from accomplishing that. I stood p to F. - I know my mother wold have wanted my education paid for - and for the first time I put everything on the line - to get what I know is right. The greatest rewards in life come out of the greatest risks - I stand up for myself now. It's a great feeling.
A.
Monday, December 17, 2012
June 22, 2008
Wow, writing that date made me realize that its 6 years since mom's wedding and its the summer solstice.
It's interesting that I would pick up this journal today, and that I would decide that I needed to write in the spirituality section.
This year has been eye opening and revealing for me with regards to my own spirituality. After countless 'coincidences' like finding M. in Korea, running into A, having my cell phone found from that bar owner - I cannot deny that there is something more than me at work. Call it Karma, or god, or mum. But I am unequivocally convinced that life works out for a purpose. I believe right now it is in order to eventually rise to a higher consciousness that life is a series of lessons, we must learn these lessons before we may move to the next realm and that death is just a way of restarting the stop watch of growth.
I forget what I believe sometimes and constantly have to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life - and that every time I experience something I don't like - with men, or experience - once I remember I tell myself that it is just as it should be.
It's hard though sometimes to be betrayed or have a man not call, or change his attitude towards me, and be okay with it. Because of course my pride is hurt.
But when I do remember it brings me to a place where I realize that without Resistance, without attachment to something different than what is, the suffering and sadness disappear.
I want to get a new tattoo that says "just breathe, just believe, just be"
As a result of my new found beliefs I have been being called more and more into Buddhism. In fact, I just remembered this weekend of my mom's friend that lives in Kyoto - that perhaps I'll do a retreat there -
thinking about being around people that know my mother through the Dharma brings this peace to me - and this safety. I don't know why - I think its also pride. That I'm finally understanding much of what I couldn't as a child.
I want to go on retreat, in fact I've been thinking about perhaps staying in a temple or ashram in India for a while next year - learning more about Tibetan Buddhism. But - what ever I do, that where I am today, on the day my mother got married in Stewart Park, and I gave her away.
A.
- I just reread what I wrote in Sept '06, I'm not living a small life anymore! That make me proud.
*****
I am so proud of myself - of who I am and what I've accomplished in this life. I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do when I' done here in Korea and I feel that I need to write down some of my ideas so as to not forget them - many of these are just things I really want to do at one point.
- work on a tall ship
- live an learn from Tibetan monks
- live in central/South America
- travel South East Asia
-teach in Italy, Thailand or Latin America
WHAT I HAVE DONE
- climber Mt. Fuji/ lived in Japan for 1 year
- climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower
- lived in a farm - milked cows
- Gone on Safari - seen wild Elephants/Giraffes
- jumped off the gorge in Vic Falls
-Driven a Motorbike in Thailand
- Rode an Elephant in Thailand
- taught English in S. Korea
- lied in Banff - walked the Athabasca Ice Field
-Gone down hill skiing
- Seen the sun set and rise New Years Eve 2000 in Osaka, Japan.
- worked for an NGO in Africa
- played with bubbles on a beach in Korea
- had sex in the back of a car
- catered parties
- survived my love cheating on me
-survived my mom dying
- learned how to cross stitch
-learned French/Japanese
- Lived in the beached in Toronto
- sat on a roof top and watched the starts (L.)
-gone skinny dipping
- Climbed to the top of Dreamer's Rock (Manitoulin Island)
- Canoed and Kayaked
- Learned how to ride a horse
- danced at the ROM
- gone to a leadership conference
-gotten my University degree
- Gradated high school as an Ontario Scholar
- Worked in the financial district
- Experienced an earth quake (Japan and Zim)
-seen the cemeteries in Normandy
- Seen the ------ tapestry
- walked across the quick sand at Mt. St. Michel.
It's interesting that I would pick up this journal today, and that I would decide that I needed to write in the spirituality section.
This year has been eye opening and revealing for me with regards to my own spirituality. After countless 'coincidences' like finding M. in Korea, running into A, having my cell phone found from that bar owner - I cannot deny that there is something more than me at work. Call it Karma, or god, or mum. But I am unequivocally convinced that life works out for a purpose. I believe right now it is in order to eventually rise to a higher consciousness that life is a series of lessons, we must learn these lessons before we may move to the next realm and that death is just a way of restarting the stop watch of growth.
I forget what I believe sometimes and constantly have to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life - and that every time I experience something I don't like - with men, or experience - once I remember I tell myself that it is just as it should be.
It's hard though sometimes to be betrayed or have a man not call, or change his attitude towards me, and be okay with it. Because of course my pride is hurt.
But when I do remember it brings me to a place where I realize that without Resistance, without attachment to something different than what is, the suffering and sadness disappear.
I want to get a new tattoo that says "just breathe, just believe, just be"
As a result of my new found beliefs I have been being called more and more into Buddhism. In fact, I just remembered this weekend of my mom's friend that lives in Kyoto - that perhaps I'll do a retreat there -
thinking about being around people that know my mother through the Dharma brings this peace to me - and this safety. I don't know why - I think its also pride. That I'm finally understanding much of what I couldn't as a child.
I want to go on retreat, in fact I've been thinking about perhaps staying in a temple or ashram in India for a while next year - learning more about Tibetan Buddhism. But - what ever I do, that where I am today, on the day my mother got married in Stewart Park, and I gave her away.
A.
- I just reread what I wrote in Sept '06, I'm not living a small life anymore! That make me proud.
*****
I am so proud of myself - of who I am and what I've accomplished in this life. I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do when I' done here in Korea and I feel that I need to write down some of my ideas so as to not forget them - many of these are just things I really want to do at one point.
- work on a tall ship
- live an learn from Tibetan monks
- live in central/South America
- travel South East Asia
-teach in Italy, Thailand or Latin America
WHAT I HAVE DONE
- climber Mt. Fuji/ lived in Japan for 1 year
- climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower
- lived in a farm - milked cows
- Gone on Safari - seen wild Elephants/Giraffes
- jumped off the gorge in Vic Falls
-Driven a Motorbike in Thailand
- Rode an Elephant in Thailand
- taught English in S. Korea
- lied in Banff - walked the Athabasca Ice Field
-Gone down hill skiing
- Seen the sun set and rise New Years Eve 2000 in Osaka, Japan.
- worked for an NGO in Africa
- played with bubbles on a beach in Korea
- had sex in the back of a car
- catered parties
- survived my love cheating on me
-survived my mom dying
- learned how to cross stitch
-learned French/Japanese
- Lived in the beached in Toronto
- sat on a roof top and watched the starts (L.)
-gone skinny dipping
- Climbed to the top of Dreamer's Rock (Manitoulin Island)
- Canoed and Kayaked
- Learned how to ride a horse
- danced at the ROM
- gone to a leadership conference
-gotten my University degree
- Gradated high school as an Ontario Scholar
- Worked in the financial district
- Experienced an earth quake (Japan and Zim)
-seen the cemeteries in Normandy
- Seen the ------ tapestry
- walked across the quick sand at Mt. St. Michel.
Children should know who you really are. September 24, 2006
The first page in a journal I just found :
To my unborn children,
I started this book a difficult time in my life. It is a time when I am looking at myself and my life. I am going through a period where I am facing loss in my life and it is very difficult for me. I write you now because I want to make sure you are given something that I was not. When I should die, because there will be a day, and you find this. I grant you permission to read any of my journals, look at any pictures and keep anything of mine you need. I want you to see me for who I am. My faults and my successes. My legacy is my life - know that your mother was just human and struggled as you do. No matter what happens to me, know that all I want is a family, that I love you even though I do not know you yet and that you are what keeps me going. I cannot speak of your father yet because I do not know him, but who ever he turns our to be, know that he must be a great man. I'm sorry I will not be here to guide you through my life - but I am here in spirit - loving you through it all. And if the unthinkable happens and you lose me at a young age, like my own mother - know that I have given you all the knowledge I can by having you. And you need to look only inside to know the answer - I am in your bones and blood - in your heart. I am you and you are me. Love always and forever. Mum.
Dear mum,
I miss yo so much - it hurts, its debilitating. I loe you so much. Life is so trying lately I just wish I had you to call. I miss your hugs - I miss your smile - your love. Since you died I have been scared of eerything. I worry. I livve a small life and I find it hard to be alone. I hide from myself - ALWAYS. I'm so lost without yo. I dont want to do this alone. I met a really nice guy. His name is.... - he has kind eyes. But I am scared. The second I a vlnerable with him I shut off. I cannot feel anything and hide in my head. Its hard for me to acknowledge that C. didn't want me and doesn't. I miss him - Its hard to let him go and move forward - he's safe - He's what distracted me from myself for so long- and still does. Realizing you are gone hurts - I think about you dying - holding your hand - the moment that defines me. You leaving me - defines the life I lead -
March 6, 2007
But I am a strong and better person for it - I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY for eternity -- I remember the night we sat on the front step and I looked up at Haley's comet and the stars and promised that if I forget everything, I would remember that night with you.. and I do.
A
To my unborn children,
I started this book a difficult time in my life. It is a time when I am looking at myself and my life. I am going through a period where I am facing loss in my life and it is very difficult for me. I write you now because I want to make sure you are given something that I was not. When I should die, because there will be a day, and you find this. I grant you permission to read any of my journals, look at any pictures and keep anything of mine you need. I want you to see me for who I am. My faults and my successes. My legacy is my life - know that your mother was just human and struggled as you do. No matter what happens to me, know that all I want is a family, that I love you even though I do not know you yet and that you are what keeps me going. I cannot speak of your father yet because I do not know him, but who ever he turns our to be, know that he must be a great man. I'm sorry I will not be here to guide you through my life - but I am here in spirit - loving you through it all. And if the unthinkable happens and you lose me at a young age, like my own mother - know that I have given you all the knowledge I can by having you. And you need to look only inside to know the answer - I am in your bones and blood - in your heart. I am you and you are me. Love always and forever. Mum.
Dear mum,
I miss yo so much - it hurts, its debilitating. I loe you so much. Life is so trying lately I just wish I had you to call. I miss your hugs - I miss your smile - your love. Since you died I have been scared of eerything. I worry. I livve a small life and I find it hard to be alone. I hide from myself - ALWAYS. I'm so lost without yo. I dont want to do this alone. I met a really nice guy. His name is.... - he has kind eyes. But I am scared. The second I a vlnerable with him I shut off. I cannot feel anything and hide in my head. Its hard for me to acknowledge that C. didn't want me and doesn't. I miss him - Its hard to let him go and move forward - he's safe - He's what distracted me from myself for so long- and still does. Realizing you are gone hurts - I think about you dying - holding your hand - the moment that defines me. You leaving me - defines the life I lead -
March 6, 2007
But I am a strong and better person for it - I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY for eternity -- I remember the night we sat on the front step and I looked up at Haley's comet and the stars and promised that if I forget everything, I would remember that night with you.. and I do.
A
Sunday, December 16, 2012
you and yourself
I found this written May 16th, 1999.
You and Yourself
It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize someone as good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else.
You cannot find yourself in someone else.
Someone else cannot give you a life.
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one, you will never leave nor lose.
To the question of your life, you are the only answer
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.
- unknown author
Its so beautiful...
Starting to read this old journal I am able to start seeing how I have always been, what I have changed, what kind of person I was... its interesting.... what I have seen so far?
I ALWAYS see the best in people... I never see the bad...and literally don't believe the bad. I also saw that I was really busy... always doing something... and just figuring out how to get shit done.
The coolest thing I read though was that apparently a woodpecker hit my window and I ran downstairs...ok I'll write what I wrote
Thursday, May 6, 1999
And then there was today. You see yesterday I went to another day for Ananda's workshop in miracles, I manifested that 'I would meet someone profound, that would impact my life positively and someone I could relate to. "
This morning I heard a thump on my window and a squeal and I knew a bird had hit my window. I ran outside to find a woodpecker lying on the ground. I thought it's neck was broken, but I picked it up, held it in my hands and stroked it's little body, he sat p and then lay his head down. I put my hand out and he flapped his wings and flew around my shoulder, to land on my shoulder.
(as I'm reading this I'm thinking.. what the fuck? this happened to me? CRAZY!.. I actually am having a hard time believing it because I have no memory of this event.... )
I went told mom and different things happened until the bird flew away....I had met my someone...
As if I wrote that!
*****
So the weirdest things have been happening lately... honestly its scaring the shit out of me... and yet excites me.... I'm constantly being told that I have something to say that people should hear...
like really? how many people have people saying that to them? And how many people who do have it said to them maybe a handful of times in a month?
I scared fucking shitless right now....
I'm trying to keep it together.. my step dad had a stroke, a couple.. and is slurring his words and its terrifying, just finished my exams... been so worried about money... just.. well my normal life of SOOOO much stress lol... and then there's this part of me that sparkles even when my whole world feels like its crashing down all around me.
This year has taught me how to be calm in the face of calamity.
but it doesn't get rid of fear.... it just makes it more bearable.
This past week has been crazy intense for me. Really training myself in the art of accepting what life gives me and not struggling against it... but god its confusing... I think that's why all this chaos is happening and its getting closer and closer together.... cause I'm training myself to align with life... and that can only happen if I can train myself to be calm when I feel overwhelmed and depressed. To know I can step out of that... no matter how hard it is.. there it is.
The week ended with this weekend.
When I was driving back from Toronto on Friday I started thinking about T. As I do.... but this time I felt worried... it was weird... then I started a battle with myself.
my head and my heart going at it.
head: you are just trying to figure out ANOTHER way to talk to him
heart: maybe, but you have never in three months worried about him
head: you promised yourself that you wouldn't write him.. if you write him you are breaking that promise to yourself
heart: the rule served its purpose for the past three weeks... if there is one thing you know its that rules should be broken... if you listen to your heart... you know it'll never steer you wrong
head: if you write him he's going to keep thinking you are a crazy person
heart: he already does... but somewhere inside him he will appreciate the sentiment
head:you are just trying to come up with an excuse to be in communication with him... for god sakes A., you said goodbye!!!!!!!!! you are retarded.
heart: just trust that you haven't felt this way before... you do.. and so just write him and see... if he doesn't respond that's ok... just in case though... its important.... and if he thinks you are crazy for it... well so be it... he'll think you are crazy no matter what you do.
so I did... I wrote him a quick email... because I've deleted his number.. lol
it said "Hey im driving home from Toronto... Uou popped into my head.. But it was a feeling like worry. Are you ok?
Its just an odd feeling... Tge thought thay accompanied the feeling was something was wrong... More wrong than usual.
Just thought id check... Just in case you needed support"
I just hit send, and then when I got home I reread it and sent another that said
"Sorry about the spelling mistakes... Lol I know thats a pet peeve. I shouldnt have been texting while driving.
Just worried."
I was so nervous sending them because I know that he thinks that its weird... I think he pities me a little.. that I have feelings for him that he can't reciprocate and feels so bad about it he can't even talk to me... I think that maybe he doesn't write me because he's trying to protect me from myself and help me get over him. Like I'm a lustful teenager... not like these feelings are real.
But this feeling is so strong that I believe he is sooo much like me that there is a part of him that understands why I would send that message... because its something he feels sometimes.... so me having a feeling and asking about it isn't crazy...
The rest of my night kept getting more and more interesting... I spent three hours trying to convince myself to not go dancing... it was totally fucked.
For the first time in a week I finally started feeling myself again and totally in love with my life again and ended up calling a bunch of friends just to talk... I ACTUALLY got the courage to call my best friend who hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving... we ended up having a fight over whether I took her cigarettes...
she got SOOO mad at me over text and I was shocked... I asked her what this was really about and she couldn't tell me.... she just kept getting meaner and meaner.... I had spent the day with my friend Marc and found out his dad had cancer.. I went to my cousins and had him tell me about how hard it is with his mom having Alzheimers and then I went to my Uncles to have my cousin act like a bitch to me and have to smooth that shit over...
So I just couldn't take her shit and told her to leave me alone.
I ended up writing her an email about how we needed to sit down and talk about what was going on.... I forgot to mention this last bombardment of texts was one of many things that happened over the weekend of her being overly mad at me.
The last time we got into a fight and I sent her an email she got mad at me and told me to call.
I'm still scared to call because her husband screens her calls.
So I sent her an email.
and then I sent her another about me coming up and maybe we could go for coffee
and then I waited... until a month ago when I called her when my step dad had the heart attack and I didn't know how to handle it. She told me to sleep and eat... take my time. but was on the phone with me for maybe 3 minutes and when I asked if I could see her she made a bunch of excuses... so I left it. She hasn't called since... but I got up the courage to call on Friday night... her husband answered and I asked how he was... he said fine.. then I asked to speak to her and he said she is unavailable... I said D... Please let me speak to her... he said "no... good bye" and hung the phone up on me.
BRUTAL....
So I wrote this email to her:
"And that is why I don't call because D screens your calls and shuts me out so im not just having to figure out whats wrong but I have to feel even shittier than I already did.
I havent called you because I was scared to call you. I finally get the courage to call and now I feel like I was right not to call because exactly what I thought would happen did.
But my relationship is not with your husband... Its with you.
I was calling to make up.
I dont know what set you off that day... Because you dont talk to me anymore about whats really going on. Then you get mad and I have no context.
Im sorry for whatever I did.
when you are ready to get over this and talk to me. Im here always.
Love
......
So that hurt... but I guess we have been here so many times that I should be used to it by now.. but everytime it scares me that I am going to lose her for good... and I just get so sad... and want to fix it...even though I know I can't... I just have to let it play out.
*****
So then... I talked to an old friend of my mother's for 2 hours... it was awesome...
****
sorry just had to go dance... was getting a little overwhelmed.. lol.. I went into the bathroom and danced looking at myself in the mirror.. flabbergasted that through all the shit I've been through I have become this really great person and I am super proud of myself...I can't believe how closely I am following my heart these days and how things are really just becoming more beautiful... even the pain is becoming more bearable like a dance.... having faith like I will pass through this soon.
So ya.... the conversation with my mom's friend. It was soo interesting her take on my mother... she was saying that my mom was late for her wedding! and she was in charge of the flowers and so the flowers never arrived.. CAN YOU IMAGINE? lol... and I will confess breaking the habit of being late is one of the hardest habits to break.... when I was a kid... we were NEVER on time. I remember as a kid waiting outside the school for 2 hours after a dance waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was totally fucked... now that I am thinking about it.
anyways we talked about some interesting things.. I shared my perspective on why I think my mother died.... and how that has served me in my life....
****
hmm I wonder if this is a good place to share my analysis of my mother's death?
I think maybe it is...
I'll have to tie it in though..
***
Ok... so yesterday I was hanging out with my friend A. He's this super fucking cool guy from Jamaica who lived at both Jane and Finch and Driftwood... he's seen it all.. and he's seeing life for the truth that is... He's like me.
So he was saying that the biggest problem with people is that they are scared of death... and until they learn to accept it as a part of life they will all be scared.... and its only the people that accept their mortality that they realize they have a choice.... how to be in that life.
I completely agree.
and here is what I think of my mother's death
******
I think my mother got sick and died because she gave up on herself... she no longer had any more big goals.. she wanted for her whole life to get married....to be loved.... and she got it.
When I was 16 I was in Japan and my mother called me and asked me why she was on the planet. I remember thinking "what the fuck? you know I'm on the other side of the world right? you can't go be having a nervous breakdown on me when I'm on the other side of the freaking world." I was so mad at her.... what the fuck was she talking about? that's not for me to figure out! god! YOU SHOULD FREAKING KNOW!... I can't even tell yo how mad I was at her for burdening me with this ever so pertinent question... so my answer "to have me.... you are here to have me.... and I will change this world.. you'll see."
That's all I had.
I think she never found her path... and that her path was to have me... get married... her last wish I guess....
hmm.. writing this I am seeing the remarkable divinity in that.
I she got sick because she never dealt with her shit... and so she never found her path... and so she got sick and died...
But then on another level... I think she died because it was exactly what needed to happen for me to become this person... to be born to a woman who LOVED me more than anything in the world and encouraged me to be EXACTLY what I was.... and then, when I was at the point where I should go define myself... she died... sort of serendipitous eh?... talk about being pushed from the nest!
I can't even tell you what this life has been like for me.... 20 with no mother was INSANE.... and then have my whole family act soooo weird around me... and I was so fucked up I couldn't bear going near anyone... it was sooo painful to be loved by anyone because it reminded me of the love I lost... NO ONE'S LOVE WAS THAT GOOD... every one's love was microscopic to the love of my mother.. the people in my life were judgmental of me... and never thought I was doing the right thing for me...
but I knew they loved me... whoa I think I am figuring this out right now...
So... I pushed love away because their love seemed so fickle... but I had to come to realize that that was just their level of love.... and that I had to accept that I just loved more... and accept that I would get hurt... hmmm.. I don't think I ever realized that I would keep getting hurt.. I think I just hoped they would change.... and many times I would convince myself that I was being too sensitive or selfish when I would get hurt because I couldn't believe they would hurt me the way they did...
Mom's death forced me to believe in love above everything.. because towards the end of her life her and my relationship wasn't the greatest... not to mention her getting sick was the scariest thing in the world and I was broke so I wouldn't come home very often... anyways... turned out she didn't really write me in the will... she put her husband's kids in.. but not me. I honestly felt like a dagger went into my heart.. because her husband sort of gave that to me as evidence that my mom didn't WANT to take care of me... while he kept all the life insurance money and wouldn't let me move home when I was in an abusive relationship... It was totally FUCKED..
My life went from a loving family to everyone treating me like fucking shit... and I had to fight through that... and the major reason I did was when I was in Korea I caught myself convincing myself that no one loved me and I had no family.. and my heart whispered to me "yes you do"...
it was my friend T who changed everything for me. I met her in Toronto the year that I started this blog I think...
She saw who I was and came in like a freaking fairy god sister and loved me. Like my mom's kind of love. and when all that shit went down with surgery in Thailand and deciding to come home.. she was the only person I knew who would let me stay with her.. and get better. She loved me and I trusted her to love me and never be mean to me.
So through that.. I have started to learn how to love myself.... dedicated because I knew my mother died because she gave up on herself... I was dedicated to never giving up....
And now I am in nursing school with some of the most amazing friends in my life.... who truly love me... with random strangers telling me that what I have to say is important....
So.. I'll get back to Saturday night.... HOLY FUCK.. my train of thoughts are INSANE.. no wonder its hard for people to talk with me... I just GO... lol... ok, so back to Friday night
*******
So I fought with myself to go dancing for I swear 3 hours... I even got ready in this time..... but STILL for some reason I was trying to convince myself not to go...
tricky thing when you are listening to the head and heart its very confusing to figure out which is which.... its totally fucked.
My excuses?
that I was going to look stupid dancing by myself
what's wrong with me, I'm not going to find anyone to hang out with
that maybe I just wanted to sit at home at watch TV? (which was something I was thinking of doing)
then my heart kept saying
A., you go out ALL The time.. you ALWAYS meet people... YOU ALWAYS have fun.. and who the FUCK cares if yo don't find anyone to dance with.... WHY ARE YO SO SCARED?
and my response.... I'm scared of looking retarded. lol
so I told myself to get my shit together and just go... if I don't like it I can come home.... but if I want to go.. JUST GO.
Then I would be like.. "well you know I am tired, I went out last night.. I don't need to go out again... I Do just want to sit and watch tv and be cozy....
and then my heart would say.... "does dancing make you feel good?" "yes"
"if you had friends out would you go?" "yes"
"will you regret not going out if you stay here? because if its not good you can just come home"
This went on for literally 3 hours... not constantly, but between watching tv, talking to friends...
So it got really late and I had to make a decision ... I was still fighting with myself so I said ... you need smokes... just get ready.. go get smokes and then see if you want to keep going...
so I went out.
I felt better the second I left. I went out.
I parked the car downtown and walked up to one of the bars to say hi to this guy I met a few weeks ago... he was standing in the doorway and we hugged.. he told me he wanted to call me this week but he got a new phone and didn't have my number. So I texted him when I left....
I had this really weird feeling I was going to see T. I even checked the bar that he told he usually frequents.. and I NEVER go in there... so I went to the bar that I applied for a job at and went to last week with my friends and met all the staff..
***
so ya, I don't know if I told you... but I still haven't been able to find a job, so I got called in for an interview at this really cool bar and during the interview they stressed that they are a family and when people come in they have to be part of it.... so I decided to go in the week before and introduce myself to everyone.. and have them decide.. and talk to their boss about me.
and I think they all really liked me... I ended up hanging out with a bunch of regulars after the bar the week before... So I went back to the bar.. said hi to the bouncer... and then wen to line up... there was a line and after 10 minutes it didn't move I said fuck it...
So I went dancing... turned out the music wasn't all that great... fuck now that I am realizing it... I was totally keeping my eye out for T.... weird.. anyways I ran into some of the kids from my program who were trashed...
I danced for 15 minutes and decided to go back to the pub for the last 30 minutes... I walk in.. everyone remembers me...
and then I see him.It was totally fucked up.
I remember just telling myself to remain calm.. be myself and not be awkward... I kept looking over at him... how could he be right in front of me... how could I be at the bar where he is the day I write that email to him about being worried about him? how could this happen?
he was sitting with a girl at a table...
I ran into the people from last week who totally remembered me and loved me so started hanging out with me.... I kept looking over at T... as far as I could tell he didn't see me...
I saw another guy I had met some other time... and I looked over at T. and he looked up... I tilted my glass and smiled... he did too....
I went on with the night.. trying to figure out what the next thing I was supposed to do was... I was distracted but also present.. it was weird... the people I knew invited me back to their house... they all left and I was left with one of the guys finishing my beer... honestly... waiting to say something to T... anything.
I told the guy I was with that I was waiting to talk to T... that its the first time Im seeing him since we said goodbye and I was really nervous....
I waited for about 5 minutes hoping that people would leave around him, but at this point more people had come and he was surrounded and I told myself "well A. too bad, you're going to have to do this no matter what."
So I walked over to the table, around back and pt my hand on his back.. he was talking and I felt bad for interrupting... but I was so scared I had to do it then or I would lose the courage... so I pt my hand on his back.. he turned around and looked at me and smiled... god his fucking eyes kill me... and I said "I'm sorry for interrupting I just wanted to say hi and bye." I was warm and calm and smiled.... I just wanted to acknowledge his existence... and our history... and I wanted him to see me.... that I was really ok... he smiled and said "hi and bye." he had that perplexed look on his face that I guess he has when he is around me... I didn't know what to do next so I said "ok, well it was nice seeing you.. have a good night." I was so scared I don't even know what he said... grabbed my friends arm and walked out....
FUCK.. are you fucking kidding me I had to do that?
So we went to the party... and I ended up meeting this guy who is in his 40s and apparently has alot of friends around town and has come up from really fucked up shit. He ended up telling me that I am the smartest 30 year old he has ever met and he's met A LOT of people.. he said that he thinks I should be in public speaking... he said that I would be an amazing spokesperson for a company.. and I found myself saying "I will never represent anything other than myself" I want to say what I have to say and not change for anything, because it is in being myself that what I have to say has validity.
Only for the greater good I said... only for the greater good of humanity... he then asked me if I had any religious background that I knew all of the shit I know.. and I said nope.. just out of my own head...
he told me that he's never met anyone who speaks as quick as me about important things.. that I think faster than anyone he's ever met... I said I don't think.. I just speak.
He told me that he knows I will change the world...
I put on my facebook profile this week "I will change the world. just wait and see." and I had 9 people like it.. and two people comment and one of the comments said "strangely I believe you".
I'm going to change the world.. just by being me. its ridiculous.
****
So ya that was my Friday night... since then I have not been able to keep T out of my head... its insane... because I know in my heart there is NO way in hell he looked at me and didn't remember me... our conversations... who I am. and I looked DAMN hot that night... so I'm sure that also didn't help...
It is so fucking crazy to be in love with a man who doesn't want anything to do with me... and I have accepted that.
So I dance... and wait to learn the next lesson.. and have him learn his...
I don't know if I have confessed this yet... so I will here...
I realized that I have been telling myself for months and months that I am stupid for loving him... how could I have not learned my lesson yet and let go... etc.... but there he still remains in my heart...
so a couple of weeks ago I finally just told myself it was ok to love him.... I realized that by avoiding the feeling I was also avoiding everything that space reflected.... let me explain... its really abstract so I apologize for the lack of clarity... the person that T wants and deserves is everything I want to be... and by avoiding my feelings for him I was also avoiding the steps to become that person... so when I decided that it was ok to love him.. even from afar.. the woman that I wanted to become emerged.
I want to command my own presence... I want to be fit and athletic... I want to be organized.. I want to keep a clean house.. I want to still be able to go dancing and party.. but I want to wear clothes that are stylish but sexy... I want to have style. I want to know how to cook properly.. I have to quit smoking....
Its difficult to admit that you want to change.. and its not for him.. its for me.. but ironically it is in the same direction as him.. and if I don't just give in to this feeling I will always wonder what would have happened if I did....
who knows what will happen at the end.. I may even come to realize that he REALLY isn't the one... but I have to try and become this person first in order to see if he's standing there too....
because one other thing I have come to realize is that if he truly is my twin flame... he will be going through all this growth too... so when I get there... so will he... and if he's not I will have so much confidence that I will know its the right thing.... I had to decide that I was ok to fight for this.. to dream about this.. and try.. and fail... and if I fail it won't be a failure because it will actually be what I learned on the journey that is important.. and right now anything that will get me there is important... so I have to be willing to be wrong....but keep hope til I know for sure... something I have learned quite sufficiently over the course of my life.. to love people before they love themselves.
SO.... the fact that I saw him.. and had the courage to say hi.. touch him and not expect anything else was crazy.
you know I have never had to be in the same room with a man I love who broke my heart before. Every time I break up with someone we never run into each other ever again. So this was a whole new experience. And I am aware that I have to be completely at ease with seeing him in the future and not making him feel awkward... like he can date and go home with who ever he wants....
but I'll tell you... since seeing him I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with a stranger... maybe its cause I haven't been drunk... lol... but that night and even last night.. I think I could have... even just made out with a couple of guys.. and I have absolutely NO interest.
this love stuff is intense!
Today I have done nothing but clean my bathroom and eat a weed cookie.. dance in my kitchen, hang out with my cat... and write this... I've been writing for hours. lol.
alright I have to finish cleaning. get my shit in order for tomorrow.
****
well this is scary.. I'm going to share a true train of my thoughts. scary.
A.
You and Yourself
It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize someone as good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else.
You cannot find yourself in someone else.
Someone else cannot give you a life.
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one, you will never leave nor lose.
To the question of your life, you are the only answer
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.
- unknown author
Its so beautiful...
Starting to read this old journal I am able to start seeing how I have always been, what I have changed, what kind of person I was... its interesting.... what I have seen so far?
I ALWAYS see the best in people... I never see the bad...and literally don't believe the bad. I also saw that I was really busy... always doing something... and just figuring out how to get shit done.
The coolest thing I read though was that apparently a woodpecker hit my window and I ran downstairs...ok I'll write what I wrote
Thursday, May 6, 1999
And then there was today. You see yesterday I went to another day for Ananda's workshop in miracles, I manifested that 'I would meet someone profound, that would impact my life positively and someone I could relate to. "
This morning I heard a thump on my window and a squeal and I knew a bird had hit my window. I ran outside to find a woodpecker lying on the ground. I thought it's neck was broken, but I picked it up, held it in my hands and stroked it's little body, he sat p and then lay his head down. I put my hand out and he flapped his wings and flew around my shoulder, to land on my shoulder.
(as I'm reading this I'm thinking.. what the fuck? this happened to me? CRAZY!.. I actually am having a hard time believing it because I have no memory of this event.... )
I went told mom and different things happened until the bird flew away....I had met my someone...
As if I wrote that!
*****
So the weirdest things have been happening lately... honestly its scaring the shit out of me... and yet excites me.... I'm constantly being told that I have something to say that people should hear...
like really? how many people have people saying that to them? And how many people who do have it said to them maybe a handful of times in a month?
I scared fucking shitless right now....
I'm trying to keep it together.. my step dad had a stroke, a couple.. and is slurring his words and its terrifying, just finished my exams... been so worried about money... just.. well my normal life of SOOOO much stress lol... and then there's this part of me that sparkles even when my whole world feels like its crashing down all around me.
This year has taught me how to be calm in the face of calamity.
but it doesn't get rid of fear.... it just makes it more bearable.
This past week has been crazy intense for me. Really training myself in the art of accepting what life gives me and not struggling against it... but god its confusing... I think that's why all this chaos is happening and its getting closer and closer together.... cause I'm training myself to align with life... and that can only happen if I can train myself to be calm when I feel overwhelmed and depressed. To know I can step out of that... no matter how hard it is.. there it is.
The week ended with this weekend.
When I was driving back from Toronto on Friday I started thinking about T. As I do.... but this time I felt worried... it was weird... then I started a battle with myself.
my head and my heart going at it.
head: you are just trying to figure out ANOTHER way to talk to him
heart: maybe, but you have never in three months worried about him
head: you promised yourself that you wouldn't write him.. if you write him you are breaking that promise to yourself
heart: the rule served its purpose for the past three weeks... if there is one thing you know its that rules should be broken... if you listen to your heart... you know it'll never steer you wrong
head: if you write him he's going to keep thinking you are a crazy person
heart: he already does... but somewhere inside him he will appreciate the sentiment
head:you are just trying to come up with an excuse to be in communication with him... for god sakes A., you said goodbye!!!!!!!!! you are retarded.
heart: just trust that you haven't felt this way before... you do.. and so just write him and see... if he doesn't respond that's ok... just in case though... its important.... and if he thinks you are crazy for it... well so be it... he'll think you are crazy no matter what you do.
so I did... I wrote him a quick email... because I've deleted his number.. lol
it said "Hey im driving home from Toronto... Uou popped into my head.. But it was a feeling like worry. Are you ok?
Its just an odd feeling... Tge thought thay accompanied the feeling was something was wrong... More wrong than usual.
Just thought id check... Just in case you needed support"
I just hit send, and then when I got home I reread it and sent another that said
"Sorry about the spelling mistakes... Lol I know thats a pet peeve. I shouldnt have been texting while driving.
Just worried."
I was so nervous sending them because I know that he thinks that its weird... I think he pities me a little.. that I have feelings for him that he can't reciprocate and feels so bad about it he can't even talk to me... I think that maybe he doesn't write me because he's trying to protect me from myself and help me get over him. Like I'm a lustful teenager... not like these feelings are real.
But this feeling is so strong that I believe he is sooo much like me that there is a part of him that understands why I would send that message... because its something he feels sometimes.... so me having a feeling and asking about it isn't crazy...
The rest of my night kept getting more and more interesting... I spent three hours trying to convince myself to not go dancing... it was totally fucked.
For the first time in a week I finally started feeling myself again and totally in love with my life again and ended up calling a bunch of friends just to talk... I ACTUALLY got the courage to call my best friend who hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving... we ended up having a fight over whether I took her cigarettes...
she got SOOO mad at me over text and I was shocked... I asked her what this was really about and she couldn't tell me.... she just kept getting meaner and meaner.... I had spent the day with my friend Marc and found out his dad had cancer.. I went to my cousins and had him tell me about how hard it is with his mom having Alzheimers and then I went to my Uncles to have my cousin act like a bitch to me and have to smooth that shit over...
So I just couldn't take her shit and told her to leave me alone.
I ended up writing her an email about how we needed to sit down and talk about what was going on.... I forgot to mention this last bombardment of texts was one of many things that happened over the weekend of her being overly mad at me.
The last time we got into a fight and I sent her an email she got mad at me and told me to call.
I'm still scared to call because her husband screens her calls.
So I sent her an email.
and then I sent her another about me coming up and maybe we could go for coffee
and then I waited... until a month ago when I called her when my step dad had the heart attack and I didn't know how to handle it. She told me to sleep and eat... take my time. but was on the phone with me for maybe 3 minutes and when I asked if I could see her she made a bunch of excuses... so I left it. She hasn't called since... but I got up the courage to call on Friday night... her husband answered and I asked how he was... he said fine.. then I asked to speak to her and he said she is unavailable... I said D... Please let me speak to her... he said "no... good bye" and hung the phone up on me.
BRUTAL....
So I wrote this email to her:
"And that is why I don't call because D screens your calls and shuts me out so im not just having to figure out whats wrong but I have to feel even shittier than I already did.
I havent called you because I was scared to call you. I finally get the courage to call and now I feel like I was right not to call because exactly what I thought would happen did.
But my relationship is not with your husband... Its with you.
I was calling to make up.
I dont know what set you off that day... Because you dont talk to me anymore about whats really going on. Then you get mad and I have no context.
Im sorry for whatever I did.
when you are ready to get over this and talk to me. Im here always.
Love
......
So that hurt... but I guess we have been here so many times that I should be used to it by now.. but everytime it scares me that I am going to lose her for good... and I just get so sad... and want to fix it...even though I know I can't... I just have to let it play out.
*****
So then... I talked to an old friend of my mother's for 2 hours... it was awesome...
****
sorry just had to go dance... was getting a little overwhelmed.. lol.. I went into the bathroom and danced looking at myself in the mirror.. flabbergasted that through all the shit I've been through I have become this really great person and I am super proud of myself...I can't believe how closely I am following my heart these days and how things are really just becoming more beautiful... even the pain is becoming more bearable like a dance.... having faith like I will pass through this soon.
So ya.... the conversation with my mom's friend. It was soo interesting her take on my mother... she was saying that my mom was late for her wedding! and she was in charge of the flowers and so the flowers never arrived.. CAN YOU IMAGINE? lol... and I will confess breaking the habit of being late is one of the hardest habits to break.... when I was a kid... we were NEVER on time. I remember as a kid waiting outside the school for 2 hours after a dance waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was totally fucked... now that I am thinking about it.
anyways we talked about some interesting things.. I shared my perspective on why I think my mother died.... and how that has served me in my life....
****
hmm I wonder if this is a good place to share my analysis of my mother's death?
I think maybe it is...
I'll have to tie it in though..
***
Ok... so yesterday I was hanging out with my friend A. He's this super fucking cool guy from Jamaica who lived at both Jane and Finch and Driftwood... he's seen it all.. and he's seeing life for the truth that is... He's like me.
So he was saying that the biggest problem with people is that they are scared of death... and until they learn to accept it as a part of life they will all be scared.... and its only the people that accept their mortality that they realize they have a choice.... how to be in that life.
I completely agree.
and here is what I think of my mother's death
******
I think my mother got sick and died because she gave up on herself... she no longer had any more big goals.. she wanted for her whole life to get married....to be loved.... and she got it.
When I was 16 I was in Japan and my mother called me and asked me why she was on the planet. I remember thinking "what the fuck? you know I'm on the other side of the world right? you can't go be having a nervous breakdown on me when I'm on the other side of the freaking world." I was so mad at her.... what the fuck was she talking about? that's not for me to figure out! god! YOU SHOULD FREAKING KNOW!... I can't even tell yo how mad I was at her for burdening me with this ever so pertinent question... so my answer "to have me.... you are here to have me.... and I will change this world.. you'll see."
That's all I had.
I think she never found her path... and that her path was to have me... get married... her last wish I guess....
hmm.. writing this I am seeing the remarkable divinity in that.
I she got sick because she never dealt with her shit... and so she never found her path... and so she got sick and died...
But then on another level... I think she died because it was exactly what needed to happen for me to become this person... to be born to a woman who LOVED me more than anything in the world and encouraged me to be EXACTLY what I was.... and then, when I was at the point where I should go define myself... she died... sort of serendipitous eh?... talk about being pushed from the nest!
I can't even tell you what this life has been like for me.... 20 with no mother was INSANE.... and then have my whole family act soooo weird around me... and I was so fucked up I couldn't bear going near anyone... it was sooo painful to be loved by anyone because it reminded me of the love I lost... NO ONE'S LOVE WAS THAT GOOD... every one's love was microscopic to the love of my mother.. the people in my life were judgmental of me... and never thought I was doing the right thing for me...
but I knew they loved me... whoa I think I am figuring this out right now...
So... I pushed love away because their love seemed so fickle... but I had to come to realize that that was just their level of love.... and that I had to accept that I just loved more... and accept that I would get hurt... hmmm.. I don't think I ever realized that I would keep getting hurt.. I think I just hoped they would change.... and many times I would convince myself that I was being too sensitive or selfish when I would get hurt because I couldn't believe they would hurt me the way they did...
Mom's death forced me to believe in love above everything.. because towards the end of her life her and my relationship wasn't the greatest... not to mention her getting sick was the scariest thing in the world and I was broke so I wouldn't come home very often... anyways... turned out she didn't really write me in the will... she put her husband's kids in.. but not me. I honestly felt like a dagger went into my heart.. because her husband sort of gave that to me as evidence that my mom didn't WANT to take care of me... while he kept all the life insurance money and wouldn't let me move home when I was in an abusive relationship... It was totally FUCKED..
My life went from a loving family to everyone treating me like fucking shit... and I had to fight through that... and the major reason I did was when I was in Korea I caught myself convincing myself that no one loved me and I had no family.. and my heart whispered to me "yes you do"...
it was my friend T who changed everything for me. I met her in Toronto the year that I started this blog I think...
She saw who I was and came in like a freaking fairy god sister and loved me. Like my mom's kind of love. and when all that shit went down with surgery in Thailand and deciding to come home.. she was the only person I knew who would let me stay with her.. and get better. She loved me and I trusted her to love me and never be mean to me.
So through that.. I have started to learn how to love myself.... dedicated because I knew my mother died because she gave up on herself... I was dedicated to never giving up....
And now I am in nursing school with some of the most amazing friends in my life.... who truly love me... with random strangers telling me that what I have to say is important....
So.. I'll get back to Saturday night.... HOLY FUCK.. my train of thoughts are INSANE.. no wonder its hard for people to talk with me... I just GO... lol... ok, so back to Friday night
*******
So I fought with myself to go dancing for I swear 3 hours... I even got ready in this time..... but STILL for some reason I was trying to convince myself not to go...
tricky thing when you are listening to the head and heart its very confusing to figure out which is which.... its totally fucked.
My excuses?
that I was going to look stupid dancing by myself
what's wrong with me, I'm not going to find anyone to hang out with
that maybe I just wanted to sit at home at watch TV? (which was something I was thinking of doing)
then my heart kept saying
A., you go out ALL The time.. you ALWAYS meet people... YOU ALWAYS have fun.. and who the FUCK cares if yo don't find anyone to dance with.... WHY ARE YO SO SCARED?
and my response.... I'm scared of looking retarded. lol
so I told myself to get my shit together and just go... if I don't like it I can come home.... but if I want to go.. JUST GO.
Then I would be like.. "well you know I am tired, I went out last night.. I don't need to go out again... I Do just want to sit and watch tv and be cozy....
and then my heart would say.... "does dancing make you feel good?" "yes"
"if you had friends out would you go?" "yes"
"will you regret not going out if you stay here? because if its not good you can just come home"
This went on for literally 3 hours... not constantly, but between watching tv, talking to friends...
So it got really late and I had to make a decision ... I was still fighting with myself so I said ... you need smokes... just get ready.. go get smokes and then see if you want to keep going...
so I went out.
I felt better the second I left. I went out.
I parked the car downtown and walked up to one of the bars to say hi to this guy I met a few weeks ago... he was standing in the doorway and we hugged.. he told me he wanted to call me this week but he got a new phone and didn't have my number. So I texted him when I left....
I had this really weird feeling I was going to see T. I even checked the bar that he told he usually frequents.. and I NEVER go in there... so I went to the bar that I applied for a job at and went to last week with my friends and met all the staff..
***
so ya, I don't know if I told you... but I still haven't been able to find a job, so I got called in for an interview at this really cool bar and during the interview they stressed that they are a family and when people come in they have to be part of it.... so I decided to go in the week before and introduce myself to everyone.. and have them decide.. and talk to their boss about me.
and I think they all really liked me... I ended up hanging out with a bunch of regulars after the bar the week before... So I went back to the bar.. said hi to the bouncer... and then wen to line up... there was a line and after 10 minutes it didn't move I said fuck it...
So I went dancing... turned out the music wasn't all that great... fuck now that I am realizing it... I was totally keeping my eye out for T.... weird.. anyways I ran into some of the kids from my program who were trashed...
I danced for 15 minutes and decided to go back to the pub for the last 30 minutes... I walk in.. everyone remembers me...
and then I see him.It was totally fucked up.
I remember just telling myself to remain calm.. be myself and not be awkward... I kept looking over at him... how could he be right in front of me... how could I be at the bar where he is the day I write that email to him about being worried about him? how could this happen?
he was sitting with a girl at a table...
I ran into the people from last week who totally remembered me and loved me so started hanging out with me.... I kept looking over at T... as far as I could tell he didn't see me...
I saw another guy I had met some other time... and I looked over at T. and he looked up... I tilted my glass and smiled... he did too....
I went on with the night.. trying to figure out what the next thing I was supposed to do was... I was distracted but also present.. it was weird... the people I knew invited me back to their house... they all left and I was left with one of the guys finishing my beer... honestly... waiting to say something to T... anything.
I told the guy I was with that I was waiting to talk to T... that its the first time Im seeing him since we said goodbye and I was really nervous....
I waited for about 5 minutes hoping that people would leave around him, but at this point more people had come and he was surrounded and I told myself "well A. too bad, you're going to have to do this no matter what."
So I walked over to the table, around back and pt my hand on his back.. he was talking and I felt bad for interrupting... but I was so scared I had to do it then or I would lose the courage... so I pt my hand on his back.. he turned around and looked at me and smiled... god his fucking eyes kill me... and I said "I'm sorry for interrupting I just wanted to say hi and bye." I was warm and calm and smiled.... I just wanted to acknowledge his existence... and our history... and I wanted him to see me.... that I was really ok... he smiled and said "hi and bye." he had that perplexed look on his face that I guess he has when he is around me... I didn't know what to do next so I said "ok, well it was nice seeing you.. have a good night." I was so scared I don't even know what he said... grabbed my friends arm and walked out....
FUCK.. are you fucking kidding me I had to do that?
So we went to the party... and I ended up meeting this guy who is in his 40s and apparently has alot of friends around town and has come up from really fucked up shit. He ended up telling me that I am the smartest 30 year old he has ever met and he's met A LOT of people.. he said that he thinks I should be in public speaking... he said that I would be an amazing spokesperson for a company.. and I found myself saying "I will never represent anything other than myself" I want to say what I have to say and not change for anything, because it is in being myself that what I have to say has validity.
Only for the greater good I said... only for the greater good of humanity... he then asked me if I had any religious background that I knew all of the shit I know.. and I said nope.. just out of my own head...
he told me that he's never met anyone who speaks as quick as me about important things.. that I think faster than anyone he's ever met... I said I don't think.. I just speak.
He told me that he knows I will change the world...
I put on my facebook profile this week "I will change the world. just wait and see." and I had 9 people like it.. and two people comment and one of the comments said "strangely I believe you".
I'm going to change the world.. just by being me. its ridiculous.
****
So ya that was my Friday night... since then I have not been able to keep T out of my head... its insane... because I know in my heart there is NO way in hell he looked at me and didn't remember me... our conversations... who I am. and I looked DAMN hot that night... so I'm sure that also didn't help...
It is so fucking crazy to be in love with a man who doesn't want anything to do with me... and I have accepted that.
So I dance... and wait to learn the next lesson.. and have him learn his...
I don't know if I have confessed this yet... so I will here...
I realized that I have been telling myself for months and months that I am stupid for loving him... how could I have not learned my lesson yet and let go... etc.... but there he still remains in my heart...
so a couple of weeks ago I finally just told myself it was ok to love him.... I realized that by avoiding the feeling I was also avoiding everything that space reflected.... let me explain... its really abstract so I apologize for the lack of clarity... the person that T wants and deserves is everything I want to be... and by avoiding my feelings for him I was also avoiding the steps to become that person... so when I decided that it was ok to love him.. even from afar.. the woman that I wanted to become emerged.
I want to command my own presence... I want to be fit and athletic... I want to be organized.. I want to keep a clean house.. I want to still be able to go dancing and party.. but I want to wear clothes that are stylish but sexy... I want to have style. I want to know how to cook properly.. I have to quit smoking....
Its difficult to admit that you want to change.. and its not for him.. its for me.. but ironically it is in the same direction as him.. and if I don't just give in to this feeling I will always wonder what would have happened if I did....
who knows what will happen at the end.. I may even come to realize that he REALLY isn't the one... but I have to try and become this person first in order to see if he's standing there too....
because one other thing I have come to realize is that if he truly is my twin flame... he will be going through all this growth too... so when I get there... so will he... and if he's not I will have so much confidence that I will know its the right thing.... I had to decide that I was ok to fight for this.. to dream about this.. and try.. and fail... and if I fail it won't be a failure because it will actually be what I learned on the journey that is important.. and right now anything that will get me there is important... so I have to be willing to be wrong....but keep hope til I know for sure... something I have learned quite sufficiently over the course of my life.. to love people before they love themselves.
SO.... the fact that I saw him.. and had the courage to say hi.. touch him and not expect anything else was crazy.
you know I have never had to be in the same room with a man I love who broke my heart before. Every time I break up with someone we never run into each other ever again. So this was a whole new experience. And I am aware that I have to be completely at ease with seeing him in the future and not making him feel awkward... like he can date and go home with who ever he wants....
but I'll tell you... since seeing him I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with a stranger... maybe its cause I haven't been drunk... lol... but that night and even last night.. I think I could have... even just made out with a couple of guys.. and I have absolutely NO interest.
this love stuff is intense!
Today I have done nothing but clean my bathroom and eat a weed cookie.. dance in my kitchen, hang out with my cat... and write this... I've been writing for hours. lol.
alright I have to finish cleaning. get my shit in order for tomorrow.
****
well this is scary.. I'm going to share a true train of my thoughts. scary.
A.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
12.12.12
I had to start this post on 12. 12. 12. I have to write something to tell myself where I was and what I did on this day... I know I'll want to remember someday.... and what a wonderful day it truly was.
I have been pretty depressed since Saturday when I found out that my step dad had a stroke last week and no one told me. When I talked to him he was slurring his words... and this was the first I had heard of anything so I wasn't prepared... I totally lost it on the phone and instead of understanding he told me that he would hang up the phone if I didn't stop crying..... I stopped and told him that I am just scared and I love him and he's allowed to hear that I love him... I told him that I knew he'd get through this, but I was allowed to be scared and sad. By the end of the conversation I was feeling relieved that he was ok, but pissed no one told me.
I talked to my step brother... when I asked hi how I was feeling he said "fine" when I asked "no really, how are you feeling?"
"fine, I don't need counselling"
"I'm not trying to give you counselling I am trying to gauge how scared I should be based on how scared you are."
so he went through a run down of being sad about this
scared about that
worried about this
thankful for that...
and then said "is that what you were looking for?" and I said yes then went through down a run down of mine.... one of which was that I have no money for gas to go visit him.
he didn't offer.
he makes a lot of money I should add.
at the end of the conversation I asked him to please keep me up to date
he said that I would have to put a little effort in too.
I said "fine I'll call"
I felt like he was alluding to the fact that I don't really call him any more... but he's never asked me why.
If he did, he would know that when J sent me that letter last year, and I sent it to the people I love most in the world and I thought loved me back, he actually told me had I done that to him he would have disowned me... and that was when I stopped going to him for any kind of love and support.... my boyfriend took me back and my brother said he wouldn't... pretty quick to figure out who loves you more.
So I've kept my distance for a year.... being nice, when he calls always being receptive, but not calling him for anything.... so the comment pissed me off because no matter if I call him or not I should be being informed about what is going on with my step dad...
anyways, I was sooo upset after these conversations that I broke down..... ended up talking to my really good friend who just couldn't understand why I was so upset that my brother didn't offer to help me out to go visit, and talked to me as though it was my fault that I didn't know....
She was so unsupportive that I had to actually get off the phone with her and tell her that I couldn't talk to her til I was a little less fragile.
That night I went out and got wasted.. danced my ass off, ended up partying with some new people I met, and got home at 7am.
The next day I went for breakfast, slept most of the day away...
By Monday I was fucked, I was super depressed and couldn't leave the house... I just couldn't find myself.... and was sleeping the day away, and then I had this moment where I realized that when I dance I find myself... I feel like I can breathe... even when the world is caving in around me.... dancing keeps me alive..... its why I smoke its why I am over weight.... that dancing makes me feel like my lungs the way smoking does.... that dancing makes me feel my body.. and feel the emotion, but let it go at the same time... that for years I have felt like I have to have a space, have shoes, have an outfit.... I have denied myself the one thing I need to feel alive... I just needed my kitchen.... P.S. my kitchen is huge and for the first time in my life I refuse to have a dining room table so I can dance.. and with the music that's on the radio these days there's so much great music to dance to...
so I danced for 2 hours in my kitchen.. woke up the next day with my whole body hurting.. the good hurt though...
but still I had no idea how to handle the family thing... and was so overwhelmed with what to do.... for all of Tuesday I slept.... I was maybe up for 6 hours in total.... just hoping that it would come to me.... emotionally exhausted.... physically......
I forced myself last night to watch the slides for my exam today.... falling asleep every 30 minutes, waking up and watching some more...
I woke up this morning to my neighbour who stopped by with a freezy :) and a better perspective... she reminded me that they "know not what they do" that I have to believe that I know better and that its not going to do anything for me to be angry. .... that I just got to love... like I always do.... thank god for her reminding me of who I am...
I went to my exam... I know I passed... miraculously... I know I passed this semester....
and so I can breathe a sigh of relief... which was about the time my aunt called... who I had asked to borrow money from around my birthday.. I wrote her this long email about how embarrassed I was but I couldn't find a job, I was literally desperate... without snow tires on my car, no way of paying rent and 100$ in my bank account .. I apologized for not calling but I was scared and embarrassed and I didn't know what else I should do.... at which point she wrote me that it was inappropriate to talk about this over email and she was leaving in 2 days for a month long trip....
So obviously I took that as a pretty clear "fuck off" so I ended up borrowing money from friends.... and she called today for the first time since that email to check in on me.... funny.
She saw that my step dad had a heart attack and a stroke and wanted to know how he was and that I was ok.... when I told he I haven't been doing well... that I spent the past two days completely fucked up and am barely keeping it together... that I have been borrowing money from friends... that I have no idea what's going to happen next.. that I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.... she asked about my getting a job... and then after a little chit chat she suggested that maybe I will have to drop out of school and work til I can pay for it.... I honestly couldn't believe it... how unsupportive.... and in the end she actually told me to take care of myself.... as if she ACTUALLY gave a shit..
I don't know about you... but how this whole love thing works is when someone ACTUALLY needs you... you show up... you don't abandon them at their WORST and expect them to be there for you. Its crazy.
So I got off the phone and talked to my housemate and told her... pissed.. and she said "you always tell me that I shouldn't get upset at people for not being like me.... you do it alot too... you get upset that people don't love as deeply as you, but they don't .. people don't know how to love like you do... how to support people like you do.... you can't be mad at them for that." perfectly... I felt better.
After that I talked to this woman who I met because I was serving her table one day and she said she would like to mentor me, as she is a nurse, she's lovely and we haven't met up but we were supposed to tonight... I was calling to cancel, but then through our conversation I felt better... I told her what my aunt said and she said "at the very least you can borrow money from me... you are not not finishing this program. " a complete stranger believes in me more than my own family. Its fucked.
So I went to tutoring. Then after called this friend of mine that I met last month... actually the story is fucked. I had one day working at this place and him and I went for a smoke.... then when I was leaving he had just left and I asked if he wanted a ride home.
I ended up driving him home and hung out with him for like 3 hours... he told me all this crazy shit about himself.. and I told him it was all ok.... wee talked about so much and he told me that I completely changed his life.. and texted me the next day to never leave. "I said never."
So I haven't seen him in a month.. ended up losing the job and told him"well I must have just had the job for a day to meet you :)"
He wrote me a couple of days ago and apologized for being out of touch... and told me he was really doing bad....
So I called him tonight and asked if he wanted me to come over.... and he said sure.. so I went over.
and he ended up telling me his deepest darkest secret.... he cried.. and I just kept my hand on his back and told him it was completely ok. we would figure it out...
he cried for like an hour...
apparently it was the first time he has cried in 3 years.
I told him that the universe puts these really fucked up things in our way to see how much we love ourselves.. and we have to learn to love ourselves through it all.. and the fact that he was even talking to me and crying means he loves himself more than most. God look at my family.
I told him that I love him.. and hugged him really tight and told him I would be his cuddle buddy... that I would fill the lonely-void any time he needed.. and I will always give him hope. If he ever needs hope... he can always call me... cause if I can come out of the depths of misery... then anyone can. If I can believe... ANYONE can believe.
I left him feeling rejuvenated... like I understood finally... this is all a test to see if I would give up on me.... NOPE. NEVER. And the answer to my question was "do nothing.. just love"
I got a letter on Monday from my biological father. Its the second one I have ever received. Its almost been a year since the last one.. the first one of my entire life... and in this one he told me he's sorry he procrastinates, something he wishes I didn't inherit - which I totally did.. lol... but just by saying that he was honouring the fact that I am his daughter.
Then he told me he was looking at sail boats... and how interesting it was looking for one after reading that I was interested in learning how to sail...
That he thinks about me almost daily.
He told me that rereading up my letter brings up emotions he doesn't even know how to express.. that feelings and emotions were not well recognized in his family and it has left him very confused over the years....
He told me that he has always felt unworthy... and that over the years hes started to accept himself more....
that he was looking forward to hearing from me and that h promises it won't be longer between correspondence....
ahhhh....
the truth? I feel more like him than anyone I know.... wanting to run away from it all because no one understands you... I think my father has always represented everything I admire... following your heart and making no apologies.... obviously he did it for the wrong reasons.. and we'll have to do a lot of healing... but he's represented the adventurer in me... and I am so grateful for that.
I have never been so patient for anything in my life.... I wanted to write him so many times... but I knew I just had to let him be... just wait. and I knew... someday... he would write back.
Reminds me of T.... I just hadn't learned the lesson yet. just be patient... just wait and take care of yourself and it will all work out.... believe... never give up hope.
I got home tonight feeling free again... I am not going to let anything get in the way of my success.. of my happiness...
so I danced in the kitchen... that's my 12.12.12
I believe.
it's all just happening as it should... I just need to get out of the way... and stop judging it.
A
I have been pretty depressed since Saturday when I found out that my step dad had a stroke last week and no one told me. When I talked to him he was slurring his words... and this was the first I had heard of anything so I wasn't prepared... I totally lost it on the phone and instead of understanding he told me that he would hang up the phone if I didn't stop crying..... I stopped and told him that I am just scared and I love him and he's allowed to hear that I love him... I told him that I knew he'd get through this, but I was allowed to be scared and sad. By the end of the conversation I was feeling relieved that he was ok, but pissed no one told me.
I talked to my step brother... when I asked hi how I was feeling he said "fine" when I asked "no really, how are you feeling?"
"fine, I don't need counselling"
"I'm not trying to give you counselling I am trying to gauge how scared I should be based on how scared you are."
so he went through a run down of being sad about this
scared about that
worried about this
thankful for that...
and then said "is that what you were looking for?" and I said yes then went through down a run down of mine.... one of which was that I have no money for gas to go visit him.
he didn't offer.
he makes a lot of money I should add.
at the end of the conversation I asked him to please keep me up to date
he said that I would have to put a little effort in too.
I said "fine I'll call"
I felt like he was alluding to the fact that I don't really call him any more... but he's never asked me why.
If he did, he would know that when J sent me that letter last year, and I sent it to the people I love most in the world and I thought loved me back, he actually told me had I done that to him he would have disowned me... and that was when I stopped going to him for any kind of love and support.... my boyfriend took me back and my brother said he wouldn't... pretty quick to figure out who loves you more.
So I've kept my distance for a year.... being nice, when he calls always being receptive, but not calling him for anything.... so the comment pissed me off because no matter if I call him or not I should be being informed about what is going on with my step dad...
anyways, I was sooo upset after these conversations that I broke down..... ended up talking to my really good friend who just couldn't understand why I was so upset that my brother didn't offer to help me out to go visit, and talked to me as though it was my fault that I didn't know....
She was so unsupportive that I had to actually get off the phone with her and tell her that I couldn't talk to her til I was a little less fragile.
That night I went out and got wasted.. danced my ass off, ended up partying with some new people I met, and got home at 7am.
The next day I went for breakfast, slept most of the day away...
By Monday I was fucked, I was super depressed and couldn't leave the house... I just couldn't find myself.... and was sleeping the day away, and then I had this moment where I realized that when I dance I find myself... I feel like I can breathe... even when the world is caving in around me.... dancing keeps me alive..... its why I smoke its why I am over weight.... that dancing makes me feel like my lungs the way smoking does.... that dancing makes me feel my body.. and feel the emotion, but let it go at the same time... that for years I have felt like I have to have a space, have shoes, have an outfit.... I have denied myself the one thing I need to feel alive... I just needed my kitchen.... P.S. my kitchen is huge and for the first time in my life I refuse to have a dining room table so I can dance.. and with the music that's on the radio these days there's so much great music to dance to...
so I danced for 2 hours in my kitchen.. woke up the next day with my whole body hurting.. the good hurt though...
but still I had no idea how to handle the family thing... and was so overwhelmed with what to do.... for all of Tuesday I slept.... I was maybe up for 6 hours in total.... just hoping that it would come to me.... emotionally exhausted.... physically......
I forced myself last night to watch the slides for my exam today.... falling asleep every 30 minutes, waking up and watching some more...
I woke up this morning to my neighbour who stopped by with a freezy :) and a better perspective... she reminded me that they "know not what they do" that I have to believe that I know better and that its not going to do anything for me to be angry. .... that I just got to love... like I always do.... thank god for her reminding me of who I am...
I went to my exam... I know I passed... miraculously... I know I passed this semester....
and so I can breathe a sigh of relief... which was about the time my aunt called... who I had asked to borrow money from around my birthday.. I wrote her this long email about how embarrassed I was but I couldn't find a job, I was literally desperate... without snow tires on my car, no way of paying rent and 100$ in my bank account .. I apologized for not calling but I was scared and embarrassed and I didn't know what else I should do.... at which point she wrote me that it was inappropriate to talk about this over email and she was leaving in 2 days for a month long trip....
So obviously I took that as a pretty clear "fuck off" so I ended up borrowing money from friends.... and she called today for the first time since that email to check in on me.... funny.
She saw that my step dad had a heart attack and a stroke and wanted to know how he was and that I was ok.... when I told he I haven't been doing well... that I spent the past two days completely fucked up and am barely keeping it together... that I have been borrowing money from friends... that I have no idea what's going to happen next.. that I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.... she asked about my getting a job... and then after a little chit chat she suggested that maybe I will have to drop out of school and work til I can pay for it.... I honestly couldn't believe it... how unsupportive.... and in the end she actually told me to take care of myself.... as if she ACTUALLY gave a shit..
I don't know about you... but how this whole love thing works is when someone ACTUALLY needs you... you show up... you don't abandon them at their WORST and expect them to be there for you. Its crazy.
So I got off the phone and talked to my housemate and told her... pissed.. and she said "you always tell me that I shouldn't get upset at people for not being like me.... you do it alot too... you get upset that people don't love as deeply as you, but they don't .. people don't know how to love like you do... how to support people like you do.... you can't be mad at them for that." perfectly... I felt better.
After that I talked to this woman who I met because I was serving her table one day and she said she would like to mentor me, as she is a nurse, she's lovely and we haven't met up but we were supposed to tonight... I was calling to cancel, but then through our conversation I felt better... I told her what my aunt said and she said "at the very least you can borrow money from me... you are not not finishing this program. " a complete stranger believes in me more than my own family. Its fucked.
So I went to tutoring. Then after called this friend of mine that I met last month... actually the story is fucked. I had one day working at this place and him and I went for a smoke.... then when I was leaving he had just left and I asked if he wanted a ride home.
I ended up driving him home and hung out with him for like 3 hours... he told me all this crazy shit about himself.. and I told him it was all ok.... wee talked about so much and he told me that I completely changed his life.. and texted me the next day to never leave. "I said never."
So I haven't seen him in a month.. ended up losing the job and told him"well I must have just had the job for a day to meet you :)"
He wrote me a couple of days ago and apologized for being out of touch... and told me he was really doing bad....
So I called him tonight and asked if he wanted me to come over.... and he said sure.. so I went over.
and he ended up telling me his deepest darkest secret.... he cried.. and I just kept my hand on his back and told him it was completely ok. we would figure it out...
he cried for like an hour...
apparently it was the first time he has cried in 3 years.
I told him that the universe puts these really fucked up things in our way to see how much we love ourselves.. and we have to learn to love ourselves through it all.. and the fact that he was even talking to me and crying means he loves himself more than most. God look at my family.
I told him that I love him.. and hugged him really tight and told him I would be his cuddle buddy... that I would fill the lonely-void any time he needed.. and I will always give him hope. If he ever needs hope... he can always call me... cause if I can come out of the depths of misery... then anyone can. If I can believe... ANYONE can believe.
I left him feeling rejuvenated... like I understood finally... this is all a test to see if I would give up on me.... NOPE. NEVER. And the answer to my question was "do nothing.. just love"
I got a letter on Monday from my biological father. Its the second one I have ever received. Its almost been a year since the last one.. the first one of my entire life... and in this one he told me he's sorry he procrastinates, something he wishes I didn't inherit - which I totally did.. lol... but just by saying that he was honouring the fact that I am his daughter.
Then he told me he was looking at sail boats... and how interesting it was looking for one after reading that I was interested in learning how to sail...
That he thinks about me almost daily.
He told me that rereading up my letter brings up emotions he doesn't even know how to express.. that feelings and emotions were not well recognized in his family and it has left him very confused over the years....
He told me that he has always felt unworthy... and that over the years hes started to accept himself more....
that he was looking forward to hearing from me and that h promises it won't be longer between correspondence....
ahhhh....
the truth? I feel more like him than anyone I know.... wanting to run away from it all because no one understands you... I think my father has always represented everything I admire... following your heart and making no apologies.... obviously he did it for the wrong reasons.. and we'll have to do a lot of healing... but he's represented the adventurer in me... and I am so grateful for that.
I have never been so patient for anything in my life.... I wanted to write him so many times... but I knew I just had to let him be... just wait. and I knew... someday... he would write back.
Reminds me of T.... I just hadn't learned the lesson yet. just be patient... just wait and take care of yourself and it will all work out.... believe... never give up hope.
I got home tonight feeling free again... I am not going to let anything get in the way of my success.. of my happiness...
so I danced in the kitchen... that's my 12.12.12
I believe.
it's all just happening as it should... I just need to get out of the way... and stop judging it.
A
Friday, December 07, 2012
What would you say to a friend who is dying? A letter to Cody.
For some reason I started watching some of the videos I had made this fall going through the break up with J... and then I came across the ones I did when I found out C. was dying, how I felt about what I could do.. being scared to want to help but not want to cross boundaries... to the letter I finally got the courage to write.
To be honest it is one of the most beautifully succinct letters I have ever written, and since C. has died... I have learned so much from that experience, along with all the other things that have happened in the past 3 months, and so I share this letter with you.. in the hopes that my words can offer you comfort if you too are facing such a crisis.
Namaste
C. my love. Alright, so I am afraid to write you this message, I am scared that I am going to upset you, I am scared that I am crossing lines in our relationship.. I am scared that I am not giving you the support you want... I am scared that you are going to get mad at me... I am most afraid that I am assuming I know what you need in terms of support and I know NOTHING.. so that I am giving you the wrong support... but in my heart I believe that when you know the TRUTH you have to speak the TRUTH. and well I wanted to do this in person.. but I figured I would just write you a note then you can digest and you can call me with any questions you have.
FIRST things first. If you want me to back off. you HAVE to tell me. You will not offend me. I will not take it personally. I need to know what YOU need. if that's just someone who talks about the weather.. then I will.. if that's someone who moves to Guelph to help you.. I will.. If that's just doing research and passing along the information then I will.. if that's me just holding your hand and being silent I will. If that is you want to cuddle and laugh.. I WILL.... I know when I am suffering, there are things I do not ask for because I am worried that I am a burden, I worry that I am asking too much, and I know that the people around me have their own lives and I don't want to impose.... YOU are NOT imposing on my life in ANYWAY. It is my honour to be of service to you and your soul's journey and I need you to get really present with what you want. I am intense.. and I know that sometimes I cross lines with what people can handle. So if I am. please tell me and know that I am so sorry.
First. we both know how today was going to go. The prognosis I am sure is really terrible. I am sure you are in a state of shock and convincing yourself that its all going to be fine... first things first. IT WILL BE FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE RIGHT NOW. Whatever you are going through right now, you have to stop being "strong" you have to honour your body. Honour your soul, and recognize how you feel.. yo have to STOP worrying about EVERYONE else.... you have to start LOVING yourself more than you ever thought possible.... and acknowledge your fears... let the wall comedown around you and be naked to the love around you. There are so many people that love you.... you have to let them.
You are a lot like me C., always with a smile, always looking and feeling like everything is ok... which is good... but stuffing emotions down is what causes sickness. Stress causes illness... and when your body is fighting as hard as it can, added stress will just exacerbate the problem. So first thing is you have to stand up to that little voice in your head that says that you have to be stoic, have to be strong, have to be positive.. you just have to be YOU.... YOU ARE PERFECT... just the way you are.
I believe that you are very very sick. I also believe you still can beat this. Whole heartedly I believe that... but it scares me to tell you that.. because of course I have no idea... I just believe in my heart that you can... but the question then falls on you...
If you want to beat this C. its honestly going to take every last little bit of you.. it requires a complete reversal of mental and physical strength.. its going to require a fight like you have never seen before. It's 90% mental and 10% physical. The mind has the capacity to change everything...
But I will tell you that in my experience... in my life its difficult to change the way you think... it has taken my whole life to start really embracing what I feel on the inside, because I am worried what everyone around me will think.... In order to heal your body you are actually going to have to put yourself FIRST. no questions. You are going to have to say to the universe... I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY WORLD.. and for a selfless, loving, kind person like you.... its going to be difficult because you've been conditioned that thinking you are the most important thing in the world means that you are SELFISH>
C. what I have come to realize in the past year is that loving yourself is SELF LOVE... its not selfish, because when you LOVE YOURSELF... when you are all filled up with love... then you are free to give that away, but you can't give that away unless you are FULL....
C. , I know your heart. Your heart is as big as they come.. and although I do not know you very well I know that most likely you have spent the past 6 years taking care of the people around you and not so much yourself.
This experience you are going through is forcing you to take care of yourself.. and to let the love in around you.
When I was in Korea I realized that I had cocooned myself into a world where I wouldn't let people love me... I think I did it because after mom died I was so worried to love, and to feel love because when you let yourself feel love.. you experience loss.
feeling love requires a vulnerability that is really really uncomfortable. It requires you to say YES to anything and everything people offer you.. it requires you to figure out what you want and ask for it... it requires you to find your voice and make NO apologies for yourself. It requires you to completely shift how you perceive the world.
I've been trying to do it for ten years now and really... I struggle everyday with trying to be myself.. and worrying what everyone is going to think of me... hence this letter.
So basically for me I watched mom die from cancer... and she tried alternative medicine.. so I have spent the past 10 years really investigating whether I believe in alternative medicine... and what I believe causes cancer.
Being in nursing school has confirmed my suspicions. STRESS causes CANCER. that is emotional, physical, energetic relational, nutritional. Stress causes cancer.
We live in a world where people do not get the proper support... I think its because no one really knows how to give it... I know in the past 10 years there are very few people who know that I need a phone call once in a while asking if I'm ok...
This is going to be a super long email and I apologize.. but I have to just get it out of my heart. I apologize if it upsets you, that is not my intention... my intention is to just give you my knowledge and let you do what you will with it. There is no time for me to be scared.
So... the number one goal in life.. I believe is to learn how to really and truly LOVE YOURSELF.
This requires an understanding of the body that is far from conventional. It requires you to recognize that you are a spirit living the human experience. you are MORE than the sum of your parts. and there is a voice inside you that you know.. its your intuition that speaks the truth to you.. and THAT is your SOUL.
Healing requires you to TRULY..believe that YOU HOLD THE POWER over your life. That's number #1. This is a scary notion, because well what if you are wrong? the way I see it is... it's scary to be wrong.. I am scared right now that telling you all this is wrong and that I should just shut up.. but... my heart tells me that I have to share and you will do with the knowledge how you please.
So in order to learn how to love yourself you have to be willing to look at how you've been treating yourself... whether you have been honouring yourself... and sometimes that means... telling people to fuck off. (lol... I may just be the first person you tell to fuck off.. and if that is the case.. well at least you are making progress :)) If you are tired you need to sleep.. if you are awake you need to exercise.
Moving your body is ESSENTIAL. you have to stretch, feel your toes.. feel every part of your body... and feel the pain. Recognize your body is in crisis.. that it is you.. and that you have the power to heal. The only way to heal the body is by honouring its complexity, honouring its uniqueness, and honouring the life you have been given. You got the shitty end of the stick with your dad dying... I also heard you were supposed to go to New Zealand.. and didn't... these two things are an enormous stressful burden on your heart, your head, your body and your soul...
Healing will require you to heal your sadness from all the trauma you have faced in your life... accepting it as the gift it was to teach you the lessons you needed to learn.. and this cancer that you are experiencing is the same thing... in its messed up way it is a gift... to see yourself as PERFECT.. that life happens, and we as humans try to control it, try to make ourselves feel better... but in the end we know very little about what is really going on.
So healing is going to require a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and nutritional shift... it is going to be very very difficult. But dying is going to be painful. You have to get really straight with yourself about your feelings around death. and not just let it happen. If you choose to not fight.. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE... you have failed NO ONE... sometimes that is the choice you have to make. and C.... it is OK to make that choice too... you are at a cross roads right now... and what ever decision you make you have to make it with POWER... because your mind controls everything.
If you want to fight to live.. I will do everything in my power to help. If you want to die... then I will do everything in my power to make sure that I help you with that journey. Whether that is making videos for the people you love.. or recording conversations.. or making a scrapbook.... you need to figure out in your heart what you wish your father had done for you and your family in a sentimental way.. and do that for yours.
You know everyone will be ok. But the world will be empty without you C.... truly. your heart is so unique.. and special that I don't want you to die... I want you to live.. but I understand that may not be your journey this time around. Death is scary. Its really really scary.
I do not know what you believe, but I will share what I believe. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we live our lives learning lessons and we keep coming back to learn those lessons... we grow as we are learning... and we only grow when shitty things happen. It s a weird juxtaposition... but I know in my life.. all the trauma I have experienced has shaped me into the person I am. and I wouldn't be the person I am without having suffered... and I think that I am a pretty nice, kind, open, non judgemental person. I walk around and see all the angry people in the world.. and I see that I am different... and I see that YOU ARE DIFFERENT... I think that is why I am writing you.. because people come in your life and you don't really feel connected.. but then there are a few that really impact you... and when I think of you C., I think of laughing and smiling and hugging I think of how good a soul you are.. how kind and generous... there are so few of your kind on the planet.. that I notice.
So.. sickness, because I believe that life is a series of lessons I believe that sickness is the biggest one. Most of the western world believes that illness is a problem.. an inconvenience... but anyone who has truly fought for their life and has survived... knows that their entire outlook on life has changed. It has shifted their perspective... and has shifted the perspective around them. Illness, when taken on full force has the power to heal the very depths of your soul... because you have the opportunity to learn how to love yourself. To do the little things for yourself that you need to.
Death is just coming to the end of a cycle... it is scary, only in that we spend our lives trying to control everything we do, everything around us.. and we live in a constant state of anxiety that something bad is going to happen to us.. death is letting go of all expectations.. letting go of all control and really giving ourselves to the earth.. to nature... to the powers that be.. whatever power you believe in. Its becoming one with everything. Our problem is that we are one in our bodies too.. we just don't recognize it.. and its difficult when everyone around us believes we are separate too.
There is not alot of support around death. I am sure you know that with your father.
I believe that our society is all fucked up. we should be talking about death our whole lives.. not out of fear, but so we are NOT afraid and we know what to do. I know that after my mom died I wished that she had written me a letter I could hold about how she felt about me.. I wish that I knew of a place she would want to go... so I could visit her. I wish that we had talked about her life and what she learned... and what she wanted for me... but we didn;t because she didn't want to talk about death.. and as a result it came.. without me being prepared.. and it was terrifying.. and has been terrifying since. I wish that someone had been able to mediate between us, so that she could have said what she wanted to say to me.. and I could to her... but I didn't want to bring it up.. and she didn't either. I don't feel like there were things left unsaid.. because I know in my heart she loved me dearly... but there are things that make a difference in the lives of the people we leave behind. And the way I see it now is had she just talked to me about those things... if she had gotten better well then no harm! and knowing that she died.. it would have made all the difference in the world.. and to be honest part of me feels that not talking about her fears was just another way that she suppressed her heart.. suppressed herself to fit an idea of the way she thought it SHOULD go.. as opposed to how it IS GOING.
C., we spend our entire lives trying to make everyone happy around us.. trying to plan and figure out how we are SUPPOSED to behave. the joke is.. you are not SUPPOSED to behave any way.. you are just SUPPOSED to be YOURSELF. If that means laughing at inappropriate things.. well then laugh at inappropriate things! lol.
Listen, I am sorry to be so heavy... but I felt the need to pass along the information I have. I do not know if it is the truth. But in my life I have found it to serve me very well.
As far as your recovery. Like I said.. you need to get REALLY straight with yourself about the battle you are about to face... truly get deep inside you.. and figure out what you REALLY Want and you are SCARED To say OUTLOUD.. once you figure out what you REALLY WANT.. you have to SAY IT OUTLOUD every chance you get and make NO apologies. I CHOOSE to LIVE.. or I CHOOSE to DIE.
Either way... I have your back. Either way you honour yourself.. your heart, your body and your spirit.. and I believe that is the lesson here. For you to learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF.
alright my love. that's enough of my intensity in your world. Because I know what I just wrote is incredibly different than most people's perspectives, I also understand that you may now just think I am crazy.. and want me to stay at a distance.
If this is the case then know that I love you.. and support you in whatever you are going through. give me a call when you want to talk or have any questions.
lots of love.. I love you from the end of your toes to the top of your soul.
xoxoxox
A.
as my mom would say, Angels on your pillow.
To be honest it is one of the most beautifully succinct letters I have ever written, and since C. has died... I have learned so much from that experience, along with all the other things that have happened in the past 3 months, and so I share this letter with you.. in the hopes that my words can offer you comfort if you too are facing such a crisis.
Namaste
C. my love. Alright, so I am afraid to write you this message, I am scared that I am going to upset you, I am scared that I am crossing lines in our relationship.. I am scared that I am not giving you the support you want... I am scared that you are going to get mad at me... I am most afraid that I am assuming I know what you need in terms of support and I know NOTHING.. so that I am giving you the wrong support... but in my heart I believe that when you know the TRUTH you have to speak the TRUTH. and well I wanted to do this in person.. but I figured I would just write you a note then you can digest and you can call me with any questions you have.
FIRST things first. If you want me to back off. you HAVE to tell me. You will not offend me. I will not take it personally. I need to know what YOU need. if that's just someone who talks about the weather.. then I will.. if that's someone who moves to Guelph to help you.. I will.. If that's just doing research and passing along the information then I will.. if that's me just holding your hand and being silent I will. If that is you want to cuddle and laugh.. I WILL.... I know when I am suffering, there are things I do not ask for because I am worried that I am a burden, I worry that I am asking too much, and I know that the people around me have their own lives and I don't want to impose.... YOU are NOT imposing on my life in ANYWAY. It is my honour to be of service to you and your soul's journey and I need you to get really present with what you want. I am intense.. and I know that sometimes I cross lines with what people can handle. So if I am. please tell me and know that I am so sorry.
First. we both know how today was going to go. The prognosis I am sure is really terrible. I am sure you are in a state of shock and convincing yourself that its all going to be fine... first things first. IT WILL BE FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE RIGHT NOW. Whatever you are going through right now, you have to stop being "strong" you have to honour your body. Honour your soul, and recognize how you feel.. yo have to STOP worrying about EVERYONE else.... you have to start LOVING yourself more than you ever thought possible.... and acknowledge your fears... let the wall comedown around you and be naked to the love around you. There are so many people that love you.... you have to let them.
You are a lot like me C., always with a smile, always looking and feeling like everything is ok... which is good... but stuffing emotions down is what causes sickness. Stress causes illness... and when your body is fighting as hard as it can, added stress will just exacerbate the problem. So first thing is you have to stand up to that little voice in your head that says that you have to be stoic, have to be strong, have to be positive.. you just have to be YOU.... YOU ARE PERFECT... just the way you are.
I believe that you are very very sick. I also believe you still can beat this. Whole heartedly I believe that... but it scares me to tell you that.. because of course I have no idea... I just believe in my heart that you can... but the question then falls on you...
If you want to beat this C. its honestly going to take every last little bit of you.. it requires a complete reversal of mental and physical strength.. its going to require a fight like you have never seen before. It's 90% mental and 10% physical. The mind has the capacity to change everything...
But I will tell you that in my experience... in my life its difficult to change the way you think... it has taken my whole life to start really embracing what I feel on the inside, because I am worried what everyone around me will think.... In order to heal your body you are actually going to have to put yourself FIRST. no questions. You are going to have to say to the universe... I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY WORLD.. and for a selfless, loving, kind person like you.... its going to be difficult because you've been conditioned that thinking you are the most important thing in the world means that you are SELFISH>
C. what I have come to realize in the past year is that loving yourself is SELF LOVE... its not selfish, because when you LOVE YOURSELF... when you are all filled up with love... then you are free to give that away, but you can't give that away unless you are FULL....
C. , I know your heart. Your heart is as big as they come.. and although I do not know you very well I know that most likely you have spent the past 6 years taking care of the people around you and not so much yourself.
This experience you are going through is forcing you to take care of yourself.. and to let the love in around you.
When I was in Korea I realized that I had cocooned myself into a world where I wouldn't let people love me... I think I did it because after mom died I was so worried to love, and to feel love because when you let yourself feel love.. you experience loss.
feeling love requires a vulnerability that is really really uncomfortable. It requires you to say YES to anything and everything people offer you.. it requires you to figure out what you want and ask for it... it requires you to find your voice and make NO apologies for yourself. It requires you to completely shift how you perceive the world.
I've been trying to do it for ten years now and really... I struggle everyday with trying to be myself.. and worrying what everyone is going to think of me... hence this letter.
So basically for me I watched mom die from cancer... and she tried alternative medicine.. so I have spent the past 10 years really investigating whether I believe in alternative medicine... and what I believe causes cancer.
Being in nursing school has confirmed my suspicions. STRESS causes CANCER. that is emotional, physical, energetic relational, nutritional. Stress causes cancer.
We live in a world where people do not get the proper support... I think its because no one really knows how to give it... I know in the past 10 years there are very few people who know that I need a phone call once in a while asking if I'm ok...
This is going to be a super long email and I apologize.. but I have to just get it out of my heart. I apologize if it upsets you, that is not my intention... my intention is to just give you my knowledge and let you do what you will with it. There is no time for me to be scared.
So... the number one goal in life.. I believe is to learn how to really and truly LOVE YOURSELF.
This requires an understanding of the body that is far from conventional. It requires you to recognize that you are a spirit living the human experience. you are MORE than the sum of your parts. and there is a voice inside you that you know.. its your intuition that speaks the truth to you.. and THAT is your SOUL.
Healing requires you to TRULY..believe that YOU HOLD THE POWER over your life. That's number #1. This is a scary notion, because well what if you are wrong? the way I see it is... it's scary to be wrong.. I am scared right now that telling you all this is wrong and that I should just shut up.. but... my heart tells me that I have to share and you will do with the knowledge how you please.
So in order to learn how to love yourself you have to be willing to look at how you've been treating yourself... whether you have been honouring yourself... and sometimes that means... telling people to fuck off. (lol... I may just be the first person you tell to fuck off.. and if that is the case.. well at least you are making progress :)) If you are tired you need to sleep.. if you are awake you need to exercise.
Moving your body is ESSENTIAL. you have to stretch, feel your toes.. feel every part of your body... and feel the pain. Recognize your body is in crisis.. that it is you.. and that you have the power to heal. The only way to heal the body is by honouring its complexity, honouring its uniqueness, and honouring the life you have been given. You got the shitty end of the stick with your dad dying... I also heard you were supposed to go to New Zealand.. and didn't... these two things are an enormous stressful burden on your heart, your head, your body and your soul...
Healing will require you to heal your sadness from all the trauma you have faced in your life... accepting it as the gift it was to teach you the lessons you needed to learn.. and this cancer that you are experiencing is the same thing... in its messed up way it is a gift... to see yourself as PERFECT.. that life happens, and we as humans try to control it, try to make ourselves feel better... but in the end we know very little about what is really going on.
So healing is going to require a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and nutritional shift... it is going to be very very difficult. But dying is going to be painful. You have to get really straight with yourself about your feelings around death. and not just let it happen. If you choose to not fight.. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE... you have failed NO ONE... sometimes that is the choice you have to make. and C.... it is OK to make that choice too... you are at a cross roads right now... and what ever decision you make you have to make it with POWER... because your mind controls everything.
If you want to fight to live.. I will do everything in my power to help. If you want to die... then I will do everything in my power to make sure that I help you with that journey. Whether that is making videos for the people you love.. or recording conversations.. or making a scrapbook.... you need to figure out in your heart what you wish your father had done for you and your family in a sentimental way.. and do that for yours.
You know everyone will be ok. But the world will be empty without you C.... truly. your heart is so unique.. and special that I don't want you to die... I want you to live.. but I understand that may not be your journey this time around. Death is scary. Its really really scary.
I do not know what you believe, but I will share what I believe. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we live our lives learning lessons and we keep coming back to learn those lessons... we grow as we are learning... and we only grow when shitty things happen. It s a weird juxtaposition... but I know in my life.. all the trauma I have experienced has shaped me into the person I am. and I wouldn't be the person I am without having suffered... and I think that I am a pretty nice, kind, open, non judgemental person. I walk around and see all the angry people in the world.. and I see that I am different... and I see that YOU ARE DIFFERENT... I think that is why I am writing you.. because people come in your life and you don't really feel connected.. but then there are a few that really impact you... and when I think of you C., I think of laughing and smiling and hugging I think of how good a soul you are.. how kind and generous... there are so few of your kind on the planet.. that I notice.
So.. sickness, because I believe that life is a series of lessons I believe that sickness is the biggest one. Most of the western world believes that illness is a problem.. an inconvenience... but anyone who has truly fought for their life and has survived... knows that their entire outlook on life has changed. It has shifted their perspective... and has shifted the perspective around them. Illness, when taken on full force has the power to heal the very depths of your soul... because you have the opportunity to learn how to love yourself. To do the little things for yourself that you need to.
Death is just coming to the end of a cycle... it is scary, only in that we spend our lives trying to control everything we do, everything around us.. and we live in a constant state of anxiety that something bad is going to happen to us.. death is letting go of all expectations.. letting go of all control and really giving ourselves to the earth.. to nature... to the powers that be.. whatever power you believe in. Its becoming one with everything. Our problem is that we are one in our bodies too.. we just don't recognize it.. and its difficult when everyone around us believes we are separate too.
There is not alot of support around death. I am sure you know that with your father.
I believe that our society is all fucked up. we should be talking about death our whole lives.. not out of fear, but so we are NOT afraid and we know what to do. I know that after my mom died I wished that she had written me a letter I could hold about how she felt about me.. I wish that I knew of a place she would want to go... so I could visit her. I wish that we had talked about her life and what she learned... and what she wanted for me... but we didn;t because she didn't want to talk about death.. and as a result it came.. without me being prepared.. and it was terrifying.. and has been terrifying since. I wish that someone had been able to mediate between us, so that she could have said what she wanted to say to me.. and I could to her... but I didn't want to bring it up.. and she didn't either. I don't feel like there were things left unsaid.. because I know in my heart she loved me dearly... but there are things that make a difference in the lives of the people we leave behind. And the way I see it now is had she just talked to me about those things... if she had gotten better well then no harm! and knowing that she died.. it would have made all the difference in the world.. and to be honest part of me feels that not talking about her fears was just another way that she suppressed her heart.. suppressed herself to fit an idea of the way she thought it SHOULD go.. as opposed to how it IS GOING.
C., we spend our entire lives trying to make everyone happy around us.. trying to plan and figure out how we are SUPPOSED to behave. the joke is.. you are not SUPPOSED to behave any way.. you are just SUPPOSED to be YOURSELF. If that means laughing at inappropriate things.. well then laugh at inappropriate things! lol.
Listen, I am sorry to be so heavy... but I felt the need to pass along the information I have. I do not know if it is the truth. But in my life I have found it to serve me very well.
As far as your recovery. Like I said.. you need to get REALLY straight with yourself about the battle you are about to face... truly get deep inside you.. and figure out what you REALLY Want and you are SCARED To say OUTLOUD.. once you figure out what you REALLY WANT.. you have to SAY IT OUTLOUD every chance you get and make NO apologies. I CHOOSE to LIVE.. or I CHOOSE to DIE.
Either way... I have your back. Either way you honour yourself.. your heart, your body and your spirit.. and I believe that is the lesson here. For you to learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF.
alright my love. that's enough of my intensity in your world. Because I know what I just wrote is incredibly different than most people's perspectives, I also understand that you may now just think I am crazy.. and want me to stay at a distance.
If this is the case then know that I love you.. and support you in whatever you are going through. give me a call when you want to talk or have any questions.
lots of love.. I love you from the end of your toes to the top of your soul.
xoxoxox
A.
as my mom would say, Angels on your pillow.
Monday, December 03, 2012
giving in.
So... I have had a really interesting weekend... and past couple of weeks...
but last night I ended up having a really interesting conversation with my best friend... who is also on a similar journey as me. She just met this man that she fell instantly in love with... and he said he didn't want to have children and she has since had to accept that she cannot sell out on herself.. and so subsequently had to break up with him... I see so much of me and T. in her relationship...
where she is him and this guy is more like me.... but talking to her, I have come to accept that she is doing the right thing for her... and he doesn't know himself well enough to let go.... accept himself fully... and be ok with his own decision and hers...
I see myself in him, because I still am not at a place where I feel secure enough in who I am that I see myself even capable of letting a relationship go that isn't exactly what I want.
I have felt more comfortable sharing about my feelings towards T with her, now that she understands how when you meet someone who resonates on the same frequency.. how quick you can fall in love with them....
I realized something last night.... that for three months I have been beating myself up for having these emotions.... telling myself constantly how stupid I am.. how rediculous this is to not let a guy go when he hasn't even responded to me in a month and a half.... I feel rediculous.. like I'm missing something.. and then our conversation flickered light into a space in my heart that felt so dark and confused....
she asked me, if I felt this way about T. and I knew that if I knew that my lack of athleticism was one of the main complaints he had.... why I didn't start working out every day since.... it was an interesting question..and ironically I had thought the same thing yesterday earlier.
One thing about us, I realized is that what really kept us apart is that our deepest struggles. My weight is my biggest.... its almost like I can't admit it to myself... because admitting it is saying I don't love myself... and its so daunting.... its not something that I can fix overnight.
Its like I, unconsciously don't want to put the effort in... just incase I fail... I have struggled with the excuses I come up with my whole life. I have lost a lot of weight, but recently I have put my health again on the back burner...
in the conversation I allowed myself to for a split second stop beating myself up.. and said "maybe I should just accept that I am rediculously in love with this guy.. and put the effort I need to into myself in order to become this woman I want to be... with the hopes that we find eachother again... something to look forward to.... maybe in that process I will come to realize that I don't even want to be with him... but right now I am stagnant... I am resisting how I am feeling and it has left me in this space where I am not progressing externally... " for a split second... allowing myself to not feel guilty for feeling this way about him I felt a sense of relief... like I didn't need to fight any more....
it seems so counter intuitive to allow myself to love a man that doesn't love me back... and make the changes I need to make to see if I can become the woman he needs me to be.... because I don't want to change for a man... but then, I can't deny the relief, the sense of calm and the excitement of being able to actually do something about the situation instead of sitting back and feeling ripped off.... like I'm not good enough....
because really its what I want for me too...
not to mention its not just the losing the weight.. its knowing that I can accompish ANYTHING I put my mind to.. its knowing my own resolve, knowing my own strength ... becoming a woman and no longer a girl who expects things to just come to her without putting the effort in. This is something that spreads throughout so many areas of my life.
I play small... its so difficult to push myself out of that space.... it really requires me to move out of my head and into my heart and accepting how much I want this and not self sabbotaging myself... because I am scared... its really putting myself in the space of creator..
they say what you resist, persists.... I think this is one of those things.... I can't change how I feel about him.. I can't make myself stop thinking about him.. I can't force myself to not remember... so I have to accept that I feel this way.. and do something for myself.. that will hopefully empower me to move through this feeling and beyond it.
I want to be able to look down at my body and be proud of what I have accomplished....
I will tell you, my weight is so hard to admit that I don't like because everyone says you should love yourself.. that you shouldn't judge yourself...its easy to buy into that.. and think that its not loving yourself to want to change.. but authentically it is completely the opposite... I need to love myself enough to be honest about how I feel about myself..and make the changes necessary to feel as whole and beautiful as I know I can be...
and hopefully if I can actually do this.. the process may actually allow me to see my greatness.... give me the confidence I need to make the changes in the world I really want to make.
so here's to hoping.... giving in to the emotions.. and no longer resisting that I am not designed any other way.. this is my journey.. and no matter how much I try to deny it.. there it is.. looking myself in the mirror every day.
wish me luck.
A
its so difficult to actually admit that you want to change for not only yourself... but for someone else.. it feels very unnerving and out of control... because who wants to want to change for someone else...thats so vulnerable.. what if I become that woman and he doesn't want me still? or worse, I don't want him.. after all the letters...all the hoping?
but I guess its just the game of life... I won't know unless I try... give it my all.. and see what happens. I certainly would want him to want to change for me....
The other thing is I have realized that I am not at a place in my life where I feel worthy enough yet.. where I could stay true to what I want yet... so in an interesting way I feel blessed that we never did end up getting together... because it would be so easy for me to just compromise on myself... just to keep him.. and if anything does happen in the future.. after pushing me away for so long.. I have to be at a place where he has to prove himself to me... or anyone for that matter... instead of just accepting the minimum... I need to feel worthy of having everything.. and be the kind of person that allows a man to fight for me... show me that he wants no one else but me.. and no longer feel so insecure about being abandoned.
That's my biggest karmic barrier.... abandonment. I know I am on the right path to breaking that cycle... but man its so difficult to figure out what I need to do in order for me to get through that fear. This scares the shit out of me... admitting this is even scary... especially because he may even read this one day... and being comepletly honest about what I still struggle with... the fear of failing... is all very trying.
Who knew tackling my biggest demon, my weight, is the only way I will overcome my fear of abandonment... they seem so far from eachother.. and yet.. there they are... self sabbotage... maybe its because its way easier to accept someone doesn't like me for my weight.. than for who I am...
ugh. I really don't want to have to do this! lol.
Another thing I have recently realized is I really don't know what I want. I had come to this feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship.. a traditional relationship.. that I don't even know if I want to have kids... but I don't know.... because of this experience with T. watching my friend and her decision... I can't deny that there is a large part of me that wants to be married and have a family of my own. I think maybe I just have lost hope that I could have it all.. and its easier to simply accept that its not going to happen.. instead of wanting it and being dissapointed.
Working really hard for something and then not getting it I think plagues most of us.... fear of failing instead of embracing the journey.. that I will never be the same person again.. regardless of the outcome.. I will learn about myself.. I will become someone I don't know yet... and maybe that's what scares me the most.
not having any more excuses for having the life I want.
Fuck this following your dreams is confronting. No wonder its so difficult to get to happiness... you really have to deal with everything in your life that keeps you from it.
A
but last night I ended up having a really interesting conversation with my best friend... who is also on a similar journey as me. She just met this man that she fell instantly in love with... and he said he didn't want to have children and she has since had to accept that she cannot sell out on herself.. and so subsequently had to break up with him... I see so much of me and T. in her relationship...
where she is him and this guy is more like me.... but talking to her, I have come to accept that she is doing the right thing for her... and he doesn't know himself well enough to let go.... accept himself fully... and be ok with his own decision and hers...
I see myself in him, because I still am not at a place where I feel secure enough in who I am that I see myself even capable of letting a relationship go that isn't exactly what I want.
I have felt more comfortable sharing about my feelings towards T with her, now that she understands how when you meet someone who resonates on the same frequency.. how quick you can fall in love with them....
I realized something last night.... that for three months I have been beating myself up for having these emotions.... telling myself constantly how stupid I am.. how rediculous this is to not let a guy go when he hasn't even responded to me in a month and a half.... I feel rediculous.. like I'm missing something.. and then our conversation flickered light into a space in my heart that felt so dark and confused....
she asked me, if I felt this way about T. and I knew that if I knew that my lack of athleticism was one of the main complaints he had.... why I didn't start working out every day since.... it was an interesting question..and ironically I had thought the same thing yesterday earlier.
One thing about us, I realized is that what really kept us apart is that our deepest struggles. My weight is my biggest.... its almost like I can't admit it to myself... because admitting it is saying I don't love myself... and its so daunting.... its not something that I can fix overnight.
Its like I, unconsciously don't want to put the effort in... just incase I fail... I have struggled with the excuses I come up with my whole life. I have lost a lot of weight, but recently I have put my health again on the back burner...
in the conversation I allowed myself to for a split second stop beating myself up.. and said "maybe I should just accept that I am rediculously in love with this guy.. and put the effort I need to into myself in order to become this woman I want to be... with the hopes that we find eachother again... something to look forward to.... maybe in that process I will come to realize that I don't even want to be with him... but right now I am stagnant... I am resisting how I am feeling and it has left me in this space where I am not progressing externally... " for a split second... allowing myself to not feel guilty for feeling this way about him I felt a sense of relief... like I didn't need to fight any more....
it seems so counter intuitive to allow myself to love a man that doesn't love me back... and make the changes I need to make to see if I can become the woman he needs me to be.... because I don't want to change for a man... but then, I can't deny the relief, the sense of calm and the excitement of being able to actually do something about the situation instead of sitting back and feeling ripped off.... like I'm not good enough....
because really its what I want for me too...
not to mention its not just the losing the weight.. its knowing that I can accompish ANYTHING I put my mind to.. its knowing my own resolve, knowing my own strength ... becoming a woman and no longer a girl who expects things to just come to her without putting the effort in. This is something that spreads throughout so many areas of my life.
I play small... its so difficult to push myself out of that space.... it really requires me to move out of my head and into my heart and accepting how much I want this and not self sabbotaging myself... because I am scared... its really putting myself in the space of creator..
they say what you resist, persists.... I think this is one of those things.... I can't change how I feel about him.. I can't make myself stop thinking about him.. I can't force myself to not remember... so I have to accept that I feel this way.. and do something for myself.. that will hopefully empower me to move through this feeling and beyond it.
I want to be able to look down at my body and be proud of what I have accomplished....
I will tell you, my weight is so hard to admit that I don't like because everyone says you should love yourself.. that you shouldn't judge yourself...its easy to buy into that.. and think that its not loving yourself to want to change.. but authentically it is completely the opposite... I need to love myself enough to be honest about how I feel about myself..and make the changes necessary to feel as whole and beautiful as I know I can be...
and hopefully if I can actually do this.. the process may actually allow me to see my greatness.... give me the confidence I need to make the changes in the world I really want to make.
so here's to hoping.... giving in to the emotions.. and no longer resisting that I am not designed any other way.. this is my journey.. and no matter how much I try to deny it.. there it is.. looking myself in the mirror every day.
wish me luck.
A
its so difficult to actually admit that you want to change for not only yourself... but for someone else.. it feels very unnerving and out of control... because who wants to want to change for someone else...thats so vulnerable.. what if I become that woman and he doesn't want me still? or worse, I don't want him.. after all the letters...all the hoping?
but I guess its just the game of life... I won't know unless I try... give it my all.. and see what happens. I certainly would want him to want to change for me....
The other thing is I have realized that I am not at a place in my life where I feel worthy enough yet.. where I could stay true to what I want yet... so in an interesting way I feel blessed that we never did end up getting together... because it would be so easy for me to just compromise on myself... just to keep him.. and if anything does happen in the future.. after pushing me away for so long.. I have to be at a place where he has to prove himself to me... or anyone for that matter... instead of just accepting the minimum... I need to feel worthy of having everything.. and be the kind of person that allows a man to fight for me... show me that he wants no one else but me.. and no longer feel so insecure about being abandoned.
That's my biggest karmic barrier.... abandonment. I know I am on the right path to breaking that cycle... but man its so difficult to figure out what I need to do in order for me to get through that fear. This scares the shit out of me... admitting this is even scary... especially because he may even read this one day... and being comepletly honest about what I still struggle with... the fear of failing... is all very trying.
Who knew tackling my biggest demon, my weight, is the only way I will overcome my fear of abandonment... they seem so far from eachother.. and yet.. there they are... self sabbotage... maybe its because its way easier to accept someone doesn't like me for my weight.. than for who I am...
ugh. I really don't want to have to do this! lol.
Another thing I have recently realized is I really don't know what I want. I had come to this feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship.. a traditional relationship.. that I don't even know if I want to have kids... but I don't know.... because of this experience with T. watching my friend and her decision... I can't deny that there is a large part of me that wants to be married and have a family of my own. I think maybe I just have lost hope that I could have it all.. and its easier to simply accept that its not going to happen.. instead of wanting it and being dissapointed.
Working really hard for something and then not getting it I think plagues most of us.... fear of failing instead of embracing the journey.. that I will never be the same person again.. regardless of the outcome.. I will learn about myself.. I will become someone I don't know yet... and maybe that's what scares me the most.
not having any more excuses for having the life I want.
Fuck this following your dreams is confronting. No wonder its so difficult to get to happiness... you really have to deal with everything in your life that keeps you from it.
A
Thursday, November 29, 2012
letting go
Its so hard to let go.. and this one is by far the hardest...
On my birthday I finally deleted T's phone number from my phone... I just realized that if he couldn't even get himself to be kind to me when I needed someone who understood me the most.. that I just couldn't torture myself anymore....
then two nights ago when I was having a panic attack about money, my inner voice told me to be quiet... get really quiet... and in htat space I started thinking about the feelings I have not allowed myself to feel.. and dissapointment poured over me... sadness... about my family... and out of that space I got this thought that I should send T an email trying to find out if he too had the same feelings about his parents.. that maybe if everything else about us is the same.. then maybe his biggest issue with his parents is the same.. and thinking back about all the things he shared with me about them.. remembering back I could remember the hurt I could sense off him, the dissapointment... the lack of love... but he didn't believe me when I told him it was their lack of self love....
So I wrote him this letter about whether he could identify with me.... I'll be honest.. part of the reason I realized this about myself was I asked myself why I constantly look for men that don't reciprocate the love I have for them.. and then saw that reflection in my family... and so part of me wondered if T. behaved from the same place.... because his parents maybe did the same thing...
here's the letter
Is this how your parents have treated you over the years? You just love them and love them and love them and they just ignore you? They don't recognize how difficult it has been for you to love them? That they've done so many fucked up things you have a trunk full of reasons you could have given up on them... but you try and understand... and give them the benefit of the doubt... but still they continue to dissapoint you...
Until you just stop caring so much...cause it hurts too much to be constantly rejected by the people you love more than anything in the world.
That you would do anything for the people you love and you don't understand how they won't for you... that they don't seem to love you the way you love them... and maybe you've thought a few times in your life maybe its you that's fucked up? And you question how much you love people because it seems like there is no one else on the face of the planet that loves as deeply and authentically as you?
That if you actually feel that feeling... that it feels like immense dissapointment and that if you could actually have them realize how much you love them you'd tell them that its been really really difficult ... that they Really have done just about everything in their power to push you away... to make it so you can't really love them the way you want to? Because they just won't let you? Because they are too closed off... they just keep pushing you away... silently?
Then since I wrote that... I have gone through the anxiety of no money.... am back a little more in trusting again... and I found myself writing this letter:
So since I sent that email to you I have realized that I have been completely conditioned to love people who dont know how to love me back.
That I beg for them to love me...and it seems normal to me.
Theres nothing wrong with it... Except its not trusting the universe... It has me not knowing how to be receptive...
I see now how my texts and my emails to you are just another facet of that addiction.... To love someone who doesnt love me back and to hope to the point where all evidence points towards giving up.
I dont know how to let things just be.
I have learned so much about muself in trying to figure you out over the past 3 months... I wouldnt change anything...but I see where I still struggle with trusting the universe that I actually am worthy of someone loving me without having to work so hard at proving myself.
So with this I say goodbye. Not like the last times where I hoped you would turn around and beg me to stay in your life... But rather.. I believe that you have come in to my life to show me everything I have learned about myself... And that there is no more to learn from thinking about you... Or wanting to help.. Or support.. Or prove myself....
So I thank you for being true to your heart and giving me the opportunity to learn about how I interact with men without getting my heart too broken..
Weird how the universe works.
Much love and light
*****
I feel good about it.. and then I think of how I felt when I looked into his eyes and for the only time in my entire life felt completely understood and completely loved. it just boggles my mind... its so difficult for me to tell myself it wasn't what I really felt... that's the hardest thing on this journey... is trying to convince myself that he isn't right.... but I guess its that I have to learn how to be more receptive... that's sooooo difficult for me... I don't trust that things will flow easily.. I always feel like I am in crisis... and things are difficult. I need to learn that I really am worthy of having a man court me... although I'll be honest.. that scares the shit out of me! lol...
receptivity.... allowing life to flow.
next stop... who knows.
A.
On my birthday I finally deleted T's phone number from my phone... I just realized that if he couldn't even get himself to be kind to me when I needed someone who understood me the most.. that I just couldn't torture myself anymore....
then two nights ago when I was having a panic attack about money, my inner voice told me to be quiet... get really quiet... and in htat space I started thinking about the feelings I have not allowed myself to feel.. and dissapointment poured over me... sadness... about my family... and out of that space I got this thought that I should send T an email trying to find out if he too had the same feelings about his parents.. that maybe if everything else about us is the same.. then maybe his biggest issue with his parents is the same.. and thinking back about all the things he shared with me about them.. remembering back I could remember the hurt I could sense off him, the dissapointment... the lack of love... but he didn't believe me when I told him it was their lack of self love....
So I wrote him this letter about whether he could identify with me.... I'll be honest.. part of the reason I realized this about myself was I asked myself why I constantly look for men that don't reciprocate the love I have for them.. and then saw that reflection in my family... and so part of me wondered if T. behaved from the same place.... because his parents maybe did the same thing...
here's the letter
Is this how your parents have treated you over the years? You just love them and love them and love them and they just ignore you? They don't recognize how difficult it has been for you to love them? That they've done so many fucked up things you have a trunk full of reasons you could have given up on them... but you try and understand... and give them the benefit of the doubt... but still they continue to dissapoint you...
Until you just stop caring so much...cause it hurts too much to be constantly rejected by the people you love more than anything in the world.
That you would do anything for the people you love and you don't understand how they won't for you... that they don't seem to love you the way you love them... and maybe you've thought a few times in your life maybe its you that's fucked up? And you question how much you love people because it seems like there is no one else on the face of the planet that loves as deeply and authentically as you?
That if you actually feel that feeling... that it feels like immense dissapointment and that if you could actually have them realize how much you love them you'd tell them that its been really really difficult ... that they Really have done just about everything in their power to push you away... to make it so you can't really love them the way you want to? Because they just won't let you? Because they are too closed off... they just keep pushing you away... silently?
Then since I wrote that... I have gone through the anxiety of no money.... am back a little more in trusting again... and I found myself writing this letter:
So since I sent that email to you I have realized that I have been completely conditioned to love people who dont know how to love me back.
That I beg for them to love me...and it seems normal to me.
Theres nothing wrong with it... Except its not trusting the universe... It has me not knowing how to be receptive...
I see now how my texts and my emails to you are just another facet of that addiction.... To love someone who doesnt love me back and to hope to the point where all evidence points towards giving up.
I dont know how to let things just be.
I have learned so much about muself in trying to figure you out over the past 3 months... I wouldnt change anything...but I see where I still struggle with trusting the universe that I actually am worthy of someone loving me without having to work so hard at proving myself.
So with this I say goodbye. Not like the last times where I hoped you would turn around and beg me to stay in your life... But rather.. I believe that you have come in to my life to show me everything I have learned about myself... And that there is no more to learn from thinking about you... Or wanting to help.. Or support.. Or prove myself....
So I thank you for being true to your heart and giving me the opportunity to learn about how I interact with men without getting my heart too broken..
Weird how the universe works.
Much love and light
*****
I feel good about it.. and then I think of how I felt when I looked into his eyes and for the only time in my entire life felt completely understood and completely loved. it just boggles my mind... its so difficult for me to tell myself it wasn't what I really felt... that's the hardest thing on this journey... is trying to convince myself that he isn't right.... but I guess its that I have to learn how to be more receptive... that's sooooo difficult for me... I don't trust that things will flow easily.. I always feel like I am in crisis... and things are difficult. I need to learn that I really am worthy of having a man court me... although I'll be honest.. that scares the shit out of me! lol...
receptivity.... allowing life to flow.
next stop... who knows.
A.
Glee- Dynamic Duets and a bunch of rambling.
Wow.
All I can say is Wow.
This weeks Glee was by far the one I related to most, enjoyed, resonated with, understood and I applaud the script, the choice of songs and the entire vibe the episode brought.
It was light hearted and had silly jokes that made my heart smile, yet it revealed layers of people in a concise, simple way. The episode had flavours of all of our inner hero.... we all want to dress up as super heros! I mean god, if you didn't smile and think.. man that would be fun! then you don't have a heart I swear.. but every person has a little kid in side them that wishes that life could be like that.... could be happy....
I thought the use of muiic was extraordinary.... the simple choice of dark side by Kelly Clarkson for Blanes testing of going back...
It's weird, that song has totally been my anthem since all the shit went down with J. It was like I was constantly trying to convince myself that I should be ok that I have these parts of me.... fuck.. do you know how scary it is to look at your life and realize that you have behaved in a way that is completely against all perceptions of a proper, healthy woman? It's confusing... I feel like somehow I steared myself wrong and that I should be ashamed.. but at the same time its like I did it... and if I hadn't done it I wouldn't be where I am in terms of how much I know... so.... maybe its not WRONG.... and maybe I should be ok about it.. and accept myself for the person I am....
Fuck... honestly, even thinking about that gives me a stomach ache.. its like my heart is pulling on my heart. My heart wants to just love me, just the way I am and tell myself that I tried my best... and for that I should be proud... and ever look back..... and my head tells me that I should be ashamed that I should take this blog down and pretend like it never happened.... remain embarrassed.. worried, that someday.. if I changed the world.. someone would find shit on me... show the world and then people wouldn't trust me any more....
It's really hard for me to admit, but I feel like that is what drives me to write all this down.... because I see how people aren't trusted because they weren't honest from the get go... not that anything changed about the person... but just the perception of the person.... and if I.. by some miracle can change this world for the better, I want everyone to know, everything they want to.... I am not hiding anything. I am who I am, and it scares the shit out of me.
I literally feel like I'm going crazy more times than I can count. I get these ideas like I am born to change the world... and then I think to myself... that's retarded... how the hell are you going to do that... and my inner voice... my intuition if you will says "who knows... just follow your life... just let life happen.. and it will happen".. its really the most fucked up thing that I have ever experienced... just pure clarity. pure trust in the universe to provide for me every lessson I need to learn in order to truly be abundant with love, happiness, prosperity, dharma.
That its all a gift... every last second of your life is a gift.... in some fucked up way...
anyways.. total stoner tangent :) lol
So ya.. Glee... It was soo interesting how they showed ugh.. what are their names... I'm really bad with names... lol... the two who are chasing after Marlie.... anyways... lol shows how much I pay attention :P lol it was really interesting how they showed how so many of our problems with each other are based in misunderstandings.. in our hurt.. not our love.... and its so easy for that to happen too... it was amazing writing to have the extremely vulnerable moments with Finn and Ryley (sorry if I spelll their names wrong... not one of those details I really paid attention to!) The acting was really well done.. but it was what he was saying... the testing scene was phenomenol.. because I feel like it was a way to show boys that are watching.. that if they ever feel like that.. that there is something that can be done.. and that they aren't stupid. My borther was one of those kids.. I have no idea if its plagued him his whole life.... but I can see how easily it could... always feeling stupid... and when he says that he remembers when he was 6 getting separated.. every person in the world has a story where they thought they were going to lose their parets love for being different... for not being what they thought their parent wanted and we felt ashamed.. like we didn't reach their expectations... and we've all been beating ourselves up ever since.
I thought it was really well tie into the scene with Blaine feeling guilty about what he did to Kurt. Every person on the planet feels guilty about something they did and spendds the rest of their life hating themselves for it... whether you were 6 or 56.... we are all good people.. who have made decisions that have shaped our path.. some towards love and the people we want to become and others towards fear, resentment, hostility, disrespect all the feelings that breed unhappiness..... but it is in the simple of going through those experiences that we learn it is not who we want to be.... we wouldn't know we wouldn't want to be that way, unless we had tried it out.... and so yes.... you can try again.... you can tell yourself its ok you fucked up.. but today is a new day and I am no longer going to punish myself.
I struggle with it all the time. My biggest secret... how unbelievable dissapointed in my family I am. they were not there for me the way they should have been... and how they really let me down... and they have hurt me alot in my life...
I couldn't even IMAGINE doing the things they have done to me... I would feel unbelievably guilty..... well there you have it... the thought process that just went through me was..
"well why do you want them to feel guilty?"
"because you would feel guilty."
"well then maybe that's your thing and not theirs?"
"fuck"
so I know that true love is understanding that people just don't know any better and that you have to love them through it, while they are learning.. that everyone is at a different stage.. and you have to just love them.... and not take it personally....(that's the hardest part.... I always take it personally.. fuck)
they totally dissapointed me.... but really.... maybe I'm the one who is supposed to teach them... and stop thinking that they did something to me.. but rather... I can teach them a better way, by just being love.... that in the end... if I just love love love.... be brighter... show people that we can just understand eachother.. that we are all scared... scared of people seeing who we really are.... we are all scared of people not loving us anymore....
but we all just love eachother.. inately. We are all the same in terms of our emotions.... its our uniqueness that makes us a perfect bouquet of flowers.
Its so easy to think that our differences are bad.... but we all bring a unique perspective.. and we all have something to teach eachother.
you know... once I asked a kid I met what his favorite cookie was... he said a Pik Freans (sorry if I spelled that wrong too.. lol) anyways... I asked him if he ate it a certain way.. and he said yes... so I asked him how..he started to explain it and then said "want me to just show you?".... I couldn't believe we had the cookie!!! So I said "sure!" so we sat on this rock at the cottage... looking out on the lake while he showed me how to properly eat a cookie... he even had a full on technique and explained it all to me... you bit the cookie part off around the jelly center, being careful not to take the cream with it.... using your teeth and lips... then you eat the jelly... then you scrape the crea off with your teeth, then you eat the bottom cookie.
it was perfect. and a 7 year old taught me.
and it was a perfect moment.
We all have something to teach.. if we all just let ourselves be willing to not know all the answers... and being ok with fucking up....being able to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better.... and for misunderstanding... and for hurting people we loved... and for not being true to our own hearts.
I'm going to get pictures done of my mom and I in a photo booth and give it to my step dad that says.. even if you forget, we remember.. we love and miss you. xox A. and Dana.
we lose ourselves in our grief... we punish ourselves and it leaves us making choices we wouldn't have otherwise made had we seen more clearer.... so forgive yourself... and follow the path you were born to live... and make your experiences the gift you have to teach other people.... be thankful for all your mistakes.. because through teaching yourself... you now know how to teach someone else.
that's all I got for tonight... a bunch of rambling.. I know its pretty cluster fucked.... but it really was a train of thought.
ciao.
All I can say is Wow.
This weeks Glee was by far the one I related to most, enjoyed, resonated with, understood and I applaud the script, the choice of songs and the entire vibe the episode brought.
It was light hearted and had silly jokes that made my heart smile, yet it revealed layers of people in a concise, simple way. The episode had flavours of all of our inner hero.... we all want to dress up as super heros! I mean god, if you didn't smile and think.. man that would be fun! then you don't have a heart I swear.. but every person has a little kid in side them that wishes that life could be like that.... could be happy....
I thought the use of muiic was extraordinary.... the simple choice of dark side by Kelly Clarkson for Blanes testing of going back...
It's weird, that song has totally been my anthem since all the shit went down with J. It was like I was constantly trying to convince myself that I should be ok that I have these parts of me.... fuck.. do you know how scary it is to look at your life and realize that you have behaved in a way that is completely against all perceptions of a proper, healthy woman? It's confusing... I feel like somehow I steared myself wrong and that I should be ashamed.. but at the same time its like I did it... and if I hadn't done it I wouldn't be where I am in terms of how much I know... so.... maybe its not WRONG.... and maybe I should be ok about it.. and accept myself for the person I am....
Fuck... honestly, even thinking about that gives me a stomach ache.. its like my heart is pulling on my heart. My heart wants to just love me, just the way I am and tell myself that I tried my best... and for that I should be proud... and ever look back..... and my head tells me that I should be ashamed that I should take this blog down and pretend like it never happened.... remain embarrassed.. worried, that someday.. if I changed the world.. someone would find shit on me... show the world and then people wouldn't trust me any more....
It's really hard for me to admit, but I feel like that is what drives me to write all this down.... because I see how people aren't trusted because they weren't honest from the get go... not that anything changed about the person... but just the perception of the person.... and if I.. by some miracle can change this world for the better, I want everyone to know, everything they want to.... I am not hiding anything. I am who I am, and it scares the shit out of me.
I literally feel like I'm going crazy more times than I can count. I get these ideas like I am born to change the world... and then I think to myself... that's retarded... how the hell are you going to do that... and my inner voice... my intuition if you will says "who knows... just follow your life... just let life happen.. and it will happen".. its really the most fucked up thing that I have ever experienced... just pure clarity. pure trust in the universe to provide for me every lessson I need to learn in order to truly be abundant with love, happiness, prosperity, dharma.
That its all a gift... every last second of your life is a gift.... in some fucked up way...
anyways.. total stoner tangent :) lol
So ya.. Glee... It was soo interesting how they showed ugh.. what are their names... I'm really bad with names... lol... the two who are chasing after Marlie.... anyways... lol shows how much I pay attention :P lol it was really interesting how they showed how so many of our problems with each other are based in misunderstandings.. in our hurt.. not our love.... and its so easy for that to happen too... it was amazing writing to have the extremely vulnerable moments with Finn and Ryley (sorry if I spelll their names wrong... not one of those details I really paid attention to!) The acting was really well done.. but it was what he was saying... the testing scene was phenomenol.. because I feel like it was a way to show boys that are watching.. that if they ever feel like that.. that there is something that can be done.. and that they aren't stupid. My borther was one of those kids.. I have no idea if its plagued him his whole life.... but I can see how easily it could... always feeling stupid... and when he says that he remembers when he was 6 getting separated.. every person in the world has a story where they thought they were going to lose their parets love for being different... for not being what they thought their parent wanted and we felt ashamed.. like we didn't reach their expectations... and we've all been beating ourselves up ever since.
I thought it was really well tie into the scene with Blaine feeling guilty about what he did to Kurt. Every person on the planet feels guilty about something they did and spendds the rest of their life hating themselves for it... whether you were 6 or 56.... we are all good people.. who have made decisions that have shaped our path.. some towards love and the people we want to become and others towards fear, resentment, hostility, disrespect all the feelings that breed unhappiness..... but it is in the simple of going through those experiences that we learn it is not who we want to be.... we wouldn't know we wouldn't want to be that way, unless we had tried it out.... and so yes.... you can try again.... you can tell yourself its ok you fucked up.. but today is a new day and I am no longer going to punish myself.
I struggle with it all the time. My biggest secret... how unbelievable dissapointed in my family I am. they were not there for me the way they should have been... and how they really let me down... and they have hurt me alot in my life...
I couldn't even IMAGINE doing the things they have done to me... I would feel unbelievably guilty..... well there you have it... the thought process that just went through me was..
"well why do you want them to feel guilty?"
"because you would feel guilty."
"well then maybe that's your thing and not theirs?"
"fuck"
so I know that true love is understanding that people just don't know any better and that you have to love them through it, while they are learning.. that everyone is at a different stage.. and you have to just love them.... and not take it personally....(that's the hardest part.... I always take it personally.. fuck)
they totally dissapointed me.... but really.... maybe I'm the one who is supposed to teach them... and stop thinking that they did something to me.. but rather... I can teach them a better way, by just being love.... that in the end... if I just love love love.... be brighter... show people that we can just understand eachother.. that we are all scared... scared of people seeing who we really are.... we are all scared of people not loving us anymore....
but we all just love eachother.. inately. We are all the same in terms of our emotions.... its our uniqueness that makes us a perfect bouquet of flowers.
Its so easy to think that our differences are bad.... but we all bring a unique perspective.. and we all have something to teach eachother.
you know... once I asked a kid I met what his favorite cookie was... he said a Pik Freans (sorry if I spelled that wrong too.. lol) anyways... I asked him if he ate it a certain way.. and he said yes... so I asked him how..he started to explain it and then said "want me to just show you?".... I couldn't believe we had the cookie!!! So I said "sure!" so we sat on this rock at the cottage... looking out on the lake while he showed me how to properly eat a cookie... he even had a full on technique and explained it all to me... you bit the cookie part off around the jelly center, being careful not to take the cream with it.... using your teeth and lips... then you eat the jelly... then you scrape the crea off with your teeth, then you eat the bottom cookie.
it was perfect. and a 7 year old taught me.
and it was a perfect moment.
We all have something to teach.. if we all just let ourselves be willing to not know all the answers... and being ok with fucking up....being able to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better.... and for misunderstanding... and for hurting people we loved... and for not being true to our own hearts.
I'm going to get pictures done of my mom and I in a photo booth and give it to my step dad that says.. even if you forget, we remember.. we love and miss you. xox A. and Dana.
we lose ourselves in our grief... we punish ourselves and it leaves us making choices we wouldn't have otherwise made had we seen more clearer.... so forgive yourself... and follow the path you were born to live... and make your experiences the gift you have to teach other people.... be thankful for all your mistakes.. because through teaching yourself... you now know how to teach someone else.
that's all I got for tonight... a bunch of rambling.. I know its pretty cluster fucked.... but it really was a train of thought.
ciao.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
what I wrote when I was 20
here's what I wrote when I was 20:
If I died tomorrow will I have lived? Will I have done what I am supposed to on this Earth? Would I have any regrets?
I have done all I can in regards to Chad, to friends, to self healing. On the eve of this day I find myself contemplating my entire existance. Is there a place for me here? A 20 year old child wandering this Earth. So much has happened in the past 2 decades!.. Is there just as much to learn this time around? I wonder! Will the stars still hold their beauty? Will my eyes still continue to shine? Will my sympathy of human nature continue to exist? Will I still trust people? What friends will be there? Will I have been in love by then or will I be up to 100 men? Will people still smile? Will I still think of Chad on a weekly basis? Or will he be gone from my memory.. a long lost thought, an effort barely mentioned? Will my parents still be here to wish me Happy Birthday? Or will I have to remember their voice in the memories? Ryan will be 15. Life will be different.. more experienced. More pain, more happiness, more love, more betrayal. 10 years is a ways to go, but it happens so fast. 20 years old, the idea scares me. Do you really think happiness exists? Will I ever be happy? We'll see.
the answer is : yes.
If I died tomorrow will I have lived? Will I have done what I am supposed to on this Earth? Would I have any regrets?
I have done all I can in regards to Chad, to friends, to self healing. On the eve of this day I find myself contemplating my entire existance. Is there a place for me here? A 20 year old child wandering this Earth. So much has happened in the past 2 decades!.. Is there just as much to learn this time around? I wonder! Will the stars still hold their beauty? Will my eyes still continue to shine? Will my sympathy of human nature continue to exist? Will I still trust people? What friends will be there? Will I have been in love by then or will I be up to 100 men? Will people still smile? Will I still think of Chad on a weekly basis? Or will he be gone from my memory.. a long lost thought, an effort barely mentioned? Will my parents still be here to wish me Happy Birthday? Or will I have to remember their voice in the memories? Ryan will be 15. Life will be different.. more experienced. More pain, more happiness, more love, more betrayal. 10 years is a ways to go, but it happens so fast. 20 years old, the idea scares me. Do you really think happiness exists? Will I ever be happy? We'll see.
the answer is : yes.
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