Wow.
All I can say is Wow.
This weeks Glee was by far the one I related to most, enjoyed, resonated with, understood and I applaud the script, the choice of songs and the entire vibe the episode brought.
It was light hearted and had silly jokes that made my heart smile, yet it revealed layers of people in a concise, simple way. The episode had flavours of all of our inner hero.... we all want to dress up as super heros! I mean god, if you didn't smile and think.. man that would be fun! then you don't have a heart I swear.. but every person has a little kid in side them that wishes that life could be like that.... could be happy....
I thought the use of muiic was extraordinary.... the simple choice of dark side by Kelly Clarkson for Blanes testing of going back...
It's weird, that song has totally been my anthem since all the shit went down with J. It was like I was constantly trying to convince myself that I should be ok that I have these parts of me.... fuck.. do you know how scary it is to look at your life and realize that you have behaved in a way that is completely against all perceptions of a proper, healthy woman? It's confusing... I feel like somehow I steared myself wrong and that I should be ashamed.. but at the same time its like I did it... and if I hadn't done it I wouldn't be where I am in terms of how much I know... so.... maybe its not WRONG.... and maybe I should be ok about it.. and accept myself for the person I am....
Fuck... honestly, even thinking about that gives me a stomach ache.. its like my heart is pulling on my heart. My heart wants to just love me, just the way I am and tell myself that I tried my best... and for that I should be proud... and ever look back..... and my head tells me that I should be ashamed that I should take this blog down and pretend like it never happened.... remain embarrassed.. worried, that someday.. if I changed the world.. someone would find shit on me... show the world and then people wouldn't trust me any more....
It's really hard for me to admit, but I feel like that is what drives me to write all this down.... because I see how people aren't trusted because they weren't honest from the get go... not that anything changed about the person... but just the perception of the person.... and if I.. by some miracle can change this world for the better, I want everyone to know, everything they want to.... I am not hiding anything. I am who I am, and it scares the shit out of me.
I literally feel like I'm going crazy more times than I can count. I get these ideas like I am born to change the world... and then I think to myself... that's retarded... how the hell are you going to do that... and my inner voice... my intuition if you will says "who knows... just follow your life... just let life happen.. and it will happen".. its really the most fucked up thing that I have ever experienced... just pure clarity. pure trust in the universe to provide for me every lessson I need to learn in order to truly be abundant with love, happiness, prosperity, dharma.
That its all a gift... every last second of your life is a gift.... in some fucked up way...
anyways.. total stoner tangent :) lol
So ya.. Glee... It was soo interesting how they showed ugh.. what are their names... I'm really bad with names... lol... the two who are chasing after Marlie.... anyways... lol shows how much I pay attention :P lol it was really interesting how they showed how so many of our problems with each other are based in misunderstandings.. in our hurt.. not our love.... and its so easy for that to happen too... it was amazing writing to have the extremely vulnerable moments with Finn and Ryley (sorry if I spelll their names wrong... not one of those details I really paid attention to!) The acting was really well done.. but it was what he was saying... the testing scene was phenomenol.. because I feel like it was a way to show boys that are watching.. that if they ever feel like that.. that there is something that can be done.. and that they aren't stupid. My borther was one of those kids.. I have no idea if its plagued him his whole life.... but I can see how easily it could... always feeling stupid... and when he says that he remembers when he was 6 getting separated.. every person in the world has a story where they thought they were going to lose their parets love for being different... for not being what they thought their parent wanted and we felt ashamed.. like we didn't reach their expectations... and we've all been beating ourselves up ever since.
I thought it was really well tie into the scene with Blaine feeling guilty about what he did to Kurt. Every person on the planet feels guilty about something they did and spendds the rest of their life hating themselves for it... whether you were 6 or 56.... we are all good people.. who have made decisions that have shaped our path.. some towards love and the people we want to become and others towards fear, resentment, hostility, disrespect all the feelings that breed unhappiness..... but it is in the simple of going through those experiences that we learn it is not who we want to be.... we wouldn't know we wouldn't want to be that way, unless we had tried it out.... and so yes.... you can try again.... you can tell yourself its ok you fucked up.. but today is a new day and I am no longer going to punish myself.
I struggle with it all the time. My biggest secret... how unbelievable dissapointed in my family I am. they were not there for me the way they should have been... and how they really let me down... and they have hurt me alot in my life...
I couldn't even IMAGINE doing the things they have done to me... I would feel unbelievably guilty..... well there you have it... the thought process that just went through me was..
"well why do you want them to feel guilty?"
"because you would feel guilty."
"well then maybe that's your thing and not theirs?"
"fuck"
so I know that true love is understanding that people just don't know any better and that you have to love them through it, while they are learning.. that everyone is at a different stage.. and you have to just love them.... and not take it personally....(that's the hardest part.... I always take it personally.. fuck)
they totally dissapointed me.... but really.... maybe I'm the one who is supposed to teach them... and stop thinking that they did something to me.. but rather... I can teach them a better way, by just being love.... that in the end... if I just love love love.... be brighter... show people that we can just understand eachother.. that we are all scared... scared of people seeing who we really are.... we are all scared of people not loving us anymore....
but we all just love eachother.. inately. We are all the same in terms of our emotions.... its our uniqueness that makes us a perfect bouquet of flowers.
Its so easy to think that our differences are bad.... but we all bring a unique perspective.. and we all have something to teach eachother.
you know... once I asked a kid I met what his favorite cookie was... he said a Pik Freans (sorry if I spelled that wrong too.. lol) anyways... I asked him if he ate it a certain way.. and he said yes... so I asked him how..he started to explain it and then said "want me to just show you?".... I couldn't believe we had the cookie!!! So I said "sure!" so we sat on this rock at the cottage... looking out on the lake while he showed me how to properly eat a cookie... he even had a full on technique and explained it all to me... you bit the cookie part off around the jelly center, being careful not to take the cream with it.... using your teeth and lips... then you eat the jelly... then you scrape the crea off with your teeth, then you eat the bottom cookie.
it was perfect. and a 7 year old taught me.
and it was a perfect moment.
We all have something to teach.. if we all just let ourselves be willing to not know all the answers... and being ok with fucking up....being able to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better.... and for misunderstanding... and for hurting people we loved... and for not being true to our own hearts.
I'm going to get pictures done of my mom and I in a photo booth and give it to my step dad that says.. even if you forget, we remember.. we love and miss you. xox A. and Dana.
we lose ourselves in our grief... we punish ourselves and it leaves us making choices we wouldn't have otherwise made had we seen more clearer.... so forgive yourself... and follow the path you were born to live... and make your experiences the gift you have to teach other people.... be thankful for all your mistakes.. because through teaching yourself... you now know how to teach someone else.
that's all I got for tonight... a bunch of rambling.. I know its pretty cluster fucked.... but it really was a train of thought.
ciao.
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