So in all the chaos that I have written about over the past few days I am now starting to realize how deep my addiction to drama and attention really goes. In fact, this blog is a clear sign of that.... although part of me (the healthy part) writes this knowing that it is important to document the shift, and another side of me(the unhealthy/ego side) totally does this, to get attention...
Reading it and even being aware of what I write, I can start to see how dramatic everything is to me. It's not that when you decide to move past a drama addiction drama necessarily disappears, we all are faced with drama, but I am starting to recognize how I deal with the drama that comes up... I make it a big deal in my head... and how that must drive the people around me crazy!
Every time I have a moment where I am feeling overwhelmed, that all knowing voice inside of me comes up and says... come now, this is not THAT bad... its not That tough... you've been through worse... just move along... stop resisting... just freaking surrender to it all already... I am so aware that my drama is my way of resisting.. the more I talk, the less I do... but appear, to both myself, and sometimes the people around me.. that I am changing... its the slowly peeling the bandaid off instead of ripping it off...
The more drama I want, the harder it is... now isn't this one a doozy to process! lol
I was just talking to a friend about this, and I was just about to say.. "I guess when I figure out what it looks like for me to not seek that attention, and not overly dramatize everything, then I'll get past it... " and again that all knowing voice came up and said "nope, that's not what you did to get over the other ones... you tried that and it didn't work.... you just have to do it... rip the bandaid off... " stupid inner voice!! lol... I'll be honest, more than anything I don't want to give this one up... I am totally attached to this as my identity... when people think of me they think of how much I talk, and how much I dramatize everything. I am so attached to that.. I can't even imagine myself as someone who doesn't talk all the time, crave attention and over analyze every freaking little thing...
man that must be an annoying quality about me... crap!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Day 37 - wake up
yup, so basically this is the scariest thing I think one can encounter. Nothing compares to realizing.. I mean really getting how insane the world is... and feeling pretty damn alone in it... How is this possible? How did people get here?
Liberating... freeing, and terrifying... because now what? freeing you is a pretty daunting task... because truth is... I don't think people really want to find the truth.... most people couldn't handle it.
Liberating... freeing, and terrifying... because now what? freeing you is a pretty daunting task... because truth is... I don't think people really want to find the truth.... most people couldn't handle it.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Day 36.... getting confronted.
So....
The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.
Today I was totally confronted.
I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.
I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...
but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...
So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?
The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.
Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....
I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.
going to sleep.
The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.
Today I was totally confronted.
I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.
I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...
but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...
So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?
The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.
Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....
I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.
going to sleep.
Day 36 - what I was REALLY feeling.
If you have been on any spiritual journey, addictions are usually referred to as the things that you do to prevent yourself from feeling what you REALLY feel inside.
I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??
Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....
The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.
Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.
When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.
When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.
I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for 6 months... and you will finally get connected.
All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...
when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.
I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?
Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????
What I have realized?
I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.
Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.
and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.
And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...
We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.
You have to love yourself.
you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!
I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??
Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....
The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.
Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.
When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.
When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.
I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for 6 months... and you will finally get connected.
All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...
when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.
I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?
Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????
What I have realized?
I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.
Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.
and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.
And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...
We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.
You have to love yourself.
you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Day 35... the uncontestible truth.
The incontestable truth is that I play my life small. That I find everything I can to over analyze and dramatize. I am not connected to my body, I am only connected to my head. I do not really reflect on the consequences of my behavior and therefor have no ability to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to admit that I have been steering this ship, called my body, my life, off course for quite sometime. I don't want to admit that I am completely responsible for ALL the hardships in my life.
I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.
I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.
I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.
I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...
I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.
I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.
He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.
I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.
I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.
What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.
I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.
Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.
there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.
I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!
I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!
I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.
I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.
I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.
I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...
I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.
I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.
He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.
I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.
I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.
What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.
I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.
Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.
there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.
I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!
I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 28 - Addicted to Misery
I don't want to write this down.. but I know I need to document how I am feeling today, and hopefully soon this feeling will dissapear into the past, and I will tehn have a reminder of what I had to go through to get to the other side.
Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.
Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.
Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....
Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!
I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?
I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...
its's all so fucked up.
I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...
My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.
Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???
I don't have the answers yet...
Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.
Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.
Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....
Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!
I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?
I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...
its's all so fucked up.
I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...
My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.
Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???
I don't have the answers yet...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day 23.. calmness comes.
I woke up this morning with such calmness. Yesterday my room mate also noticed it. She jjust said something is different about you. I was going to ask you if you had lost weight. You are different.
I feel different.
Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.
So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.
I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.
First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.
At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.
That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!
At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....
This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....
I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...
lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.
My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.
On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.
***************************************
So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!
I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.
So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.
The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "
The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said
"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."
The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."
Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"
"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."
Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.
So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"
Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....
The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!
Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.
The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....
I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.
I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.
So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!
I feel different.
Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.
So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.
I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.
First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.
At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.
That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!
At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....
This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....
I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...
lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.
My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.
On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.
***************************************
My biggest fear in the whole wide world is to really, trully be my authentic self and have everyone in my life reject me. I am terrified that this is going to sound absolutely crazy, and you are all going to want to put me into a mental institution. But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing everything for the illusion that it is, and I am terrified to death, that because we all live in the illusion, if I let the light in I am going to be persecuted, rejected, abandoned, tortured, thrown intoa n insane aylum.
I realize that people kill dreams. That's what we are all trained to do. Kill dreams. Even though we know people have their own self doubts we feel like it is our right to throw our own negative opiniopns.. we call them warnings, because we are looking out for the best interests of those around us... but we are not.... we didn't follow our drams, and we didn't get what we want so now we are certain it doesn't exist.. because if it did hten we would have to face the fact that we were too scared... that we were stopped spo much that we didn't get what we dreamed of as a kid.
When we are children, we know... we know deep in our core why we are here... and then countless people make you feel stupid, question your ability to make choices.. trauma happens, and when you constantly fail, because you are learning people don't see you as learning, no they assume that you will always fail, because they always failed... and then they convince you that your dreams are just that... dreams.. even though each one of us knows our true calling we see it in every thing we do..... in our most authentic self. When we are most happiest and life doesn't seem difficult anymore... that's your real dream, that's your real self... and in order to get it we have to realize that every one else is crazy..... now isn't that a mind trip.
I am finally realizing how much I want my dream. I talk to you like it's not that big a deal cause I'm scared of you breaking this one.... this one has been hidden since I was little, til I was strong enough to not listen to all the people around me that we trying to kill it..... I've kept it hidden, safe guarding it til I was ready, ready to face my biggest fear, that you were all going to abandon me because of it.
and here I am... faced with that fear. Tell you what I am thinking and really risk sounding completely obsurd
I'm sure you all see me as the person who tells everyone everything. But isn't in interesting that for the girl who tells everyone everything I keep this one hidden, I rarely mention it..... I'm not just keeping it from you, I'm keeping it from myself too, cause I have bought into everythinf people have been saying for years....
you're not worth my time, you won't be able to do it, you are risking too much, you aren't smart enough, what this is is crazy, it doesn't work, there are other things that you can do!
I will tell you right now, that I am giving up on those. I AM smart enough, I AM strong enough, I KNOW I can do this, this is my calling, and no one will stop me. No matter what, I will be a Naturopathic doctors, I will use all my gifts, all the pain I have endured and help people, help people to see their lives for what they trully are. We spend so much time hurting ourselves and buying into all the shit that everyone else gives us, its time to say go fuck yourself.
This is my dream.
This is my future.
and no one will be able to get in the way of that again.
I am worth having the life I want with everything, and I'm not going to let you convince me that I don't,, that I don't know what I want for myself. I KNOW. you DON'T.
I will go to school in Seattle next year. I will find the money, I will meet my twin flame, and I will be the most amazing mom. ALL because I SAID so.
you killed my dream once. NEVER again.
now for my request.
I need just ONE person who believes in my dream too. One person that believes that I am good enough, that I am smart enough. Someone that will risk everything for me. I need someone who believes that what I am doing is the right thing to do, and to cosign the loan for me to ensure that I can go to school. ANYONE, that will support my dream, and realize that its scary, but sometimes we just need one flame to help. One light. That's all I am asking for. ONE PERSON to believe in me the way I believe in myself.
***************************************************************8
So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!
I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.
So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.
The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "
The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said
"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."
The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."
Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"
"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."
Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.
So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"
Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....
The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!
Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.
The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....
I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.
I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.
So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 18
What I have learned in the past week.
That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.
mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.
It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.
I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.
So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...
No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....
The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???
I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.
So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.
That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school, and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.
I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.
Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.
Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...
accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.
Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?
Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.
Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.
say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!
ok, gotta go study physics!
That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.
mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.
It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.
I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.
So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...
No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....
The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???
I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.
So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.
That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school, and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.
I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.
Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.
Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...
accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.
Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?
Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.
Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.
say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!
ok, gotta go study physics!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day 10/morning of day 11
So I spent the day studying for midterms tomorrow... I finally went to bed at about 3:30, and laying here I was overcome with sadness.
I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.
I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.
I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...
As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.
In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...
It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....
I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.
Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....
I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.
I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.
I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.
I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...
As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.
In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...
It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....
I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.
Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....
I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
day 9
Today was much better. I woke up depressed, and lay in bed for a while, procrastinating... and then my best friend called, and I told her that I was in bed... we hadn't talked since Friday when everything with my family went down. We talked briefly... and basically t one point she just said.. you need to just get out of bed and put this behind you.... so I did...
I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....
I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.
a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...
its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.
we'll see.
I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....
I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.
a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...
its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.
we'll see.
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