Day 28 - Addicted to Misery

I don't want to write this down.. but I know I need to document how I am feeling today, and hopefully soon this feeling will dissapear into the past, and I will tehn have a reminder of what I had to go through to get to the other side.

Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.

Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.

Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....

Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!

I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?

I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to  show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...

its's all so fucked up.

I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...

My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.

Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???

I don't have the answers yet...

Day 23.. calmness comes.

I woke up this morning with such calmness. Yesterday my room mate also noticed it. She jjust said something is different about you. I was going to ask you if you had lost weight. You are different.

I feel different.

Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.

So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.

I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.

First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.

At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.

That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!

At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....

This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....

I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...

lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.

My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.

On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.



***************************************

My biggest fear in the whole wide world is to really, trully be my authentic self and have everyone in my life reject me. I am terrified that this is going to sound absolutely crazy, and you are all going to want to put me into a mental institution. But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing everything for the illusion that it is, and I am terrified to death, that because we all live in the illusion, if I let the light in I am going to be persecuted, rejected, abandoned, tortured, thrown intoa n insane aylum.

 

I realize that people kill dreams. That's what we are all trained to do. Kill dreams. Even though we know people have their own self doubts we feel like it is our right to throw our own negative opiniopns.. we call them warnings, because we are looking out for the best interests of those around us... but we are not.... we didn't follow our drams, and we didn't get what we want so now we are certain it doesn't exist.. because if it did hten we would have to face the fact that we were too scared... that we were stopped spo much that we didn't get what we dreamed of as a kid.

 

When we are children, we know... we know deep in our core why we are here... and then countless people make you feel stupid, question your ability to make choices.. trauma happens, and when you constantly fail, because you are learning people don't see you as learning, no they assume that you will always fail, because they always failed... and then they convince you that your dreams are just that... dreams.. even though each one of us knows our true calling we see it in every thing we do..... in our most authentic self. When we are most happiest and life doesn't seem difficult anymore... that's your real dream, that's your real self... and in order to get it we have to realize that every one else is crazy..... now isn't that a mind trip.

 

 

I am finally realizing how much I want my dream. I talk to you like it's not that big a deal cause I'm scared of you breaking this one.... this one has been hidden since I was little, til I was strong enough to not listen to all the people around me that we trying to kill it..... I've kept it hidden, safe guarding it til I was ready, ready to face my biggest fear, that you were all going to abandon me because of it.

 

and here I am... faced with that fear. Tell you what I am thinking and really risk sounding completely obsurd

 

I'm sure you all see me as the person who tells everyone everything. But isn't in interesting that for the girl who tells everyone everything I keep this one hidden, I rarely mention it..... I'm not just keeping it from you, I'm keeping it from myself too, cause I have bought into everythinf people have been saying for years....

 

you're not worth my time, you won't be able to do it, you are risking too much, you aren't smart enough, what this is is crazy, it doesn't work, there are other things that you can do!

 

I will tell you right now, that I am giving up on those. I AM smart enough, I AM strong enough, I KNOW I can do this, this is my calling, and no one will stop me. No matter what, I will be a Naturopathic doctors, I will use all my gifts, all the pain I have endured and help people, help people to see their lives for what they trully are. We spend so much time hurting ourselves and buying into all the shit that everyone else gives us, its time to say go fuck yourself.

 

This is my dream.

 

This is my future.

 

and no one will be able to get in the way of that again.

 

I am worth having the life I want with everything, and I'm not going to let you convince me that I don't,, that I don't know what I want for myself. I KNOW. you DON'T.

 

I will go to school in Seattle next year. I will find the money, I will meet my twin flame, and I will be the most amazing mom. ALL because I SAID so.

 

you killed my dream once. NEVER again.

 

now for my request.

 

I need  just ONE person who believes in my dream too. One person that believes that I am good enough, that I am smart enough. Someone that will risk everything for me. I need someone who believes that what I am doing is the right thing to do, and to cosign the loan for me to ensure that I can go to school. ANYONE, that will support my dream, and realize that its scary, but sometimes we just need one flame to help. One light. That's all I am asking for. ONE PERSON to believe in me the way I believe in myself.

 

***************************************************************8

 So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!

I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.

So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.

The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "

The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said

"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."

The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."

Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"

"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."

Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.

So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"

Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....

The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!

Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.


The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....

I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.

I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.

So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!

Day 18

What I have learned in the past week.

That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.

mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.

It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.

I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.

So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...

No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....

The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???

I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.

So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.

That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school,  and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.

I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.

Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.

Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...

accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.

Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?

Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.

Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.

say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!

ok, gotta go study physics!

Day 10/morning of day 11

So I spent the day studying for midterms tomorrow... I finally went to bed at about 3:30, and laying here I was overcome with sadness.

I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.

I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.

I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...

As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.

In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...

It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....

I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.

Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....

I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.

day 9

Today was much better. I woke up depressed, and lay in bed for a while, procrastinating... and then my best friend called, and I told her that I was in bed... we hadn't talked since Friday when everything with my family went down. We talked briefly... and basically t one point she just said.. you need to just get out of bed and put this behind you.... so I did...

I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....

I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.

a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...

its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.

we'll see.

Day 8

I had a conversation with my brother today. And... by the end of the conversation I was completely second guessing myself... do I really want to let this relationship go? maybe I haven't done enough! maybe its all my fault... maybe if I just hold on a little longer I will prove to them that I am worth it... they will see how great I am, and love me.... I got off the phone questioning how to take care of myself...

and my friend just said ... "how long are you going to fight for their approval"
"you have done everything you can.... you can't do anymore."
"you deserve so much more than this.... "
"people who love you don't make you feel like shit and then don't appologize for it."

"the hardest thing that you are going to face, is watching their reaction to what you do.... when you stop making an effort, watch what happens... see if they chase you down,  ask you for your forgiveness... or do they just let you go without a fight.... then you'll know.... and if you see that they don't put up a fight.... it will be so hard... but then you can move on... and let go... and know you didn't fight for them to continue to reject you."

"how dare they make you feel like you have to work for their love, that you had no choice in being part of their family... and they treat you like you need to earn their love.... and yet they have not done anything to earn YOUR love.... to deserve you.... its just circumstantial... you don't owe them anything."

"your mother did the only thing she knew how... and her fault was to trust them with taking care of her only daughter.... you are her only child and she loved you.... how upset she would be to see the struggle you have faced all this time, how angry she would be that she trusted this man and he didn't take care of you"

fuck him. let it go... you have people that love you, that want you, and you don't have to prove anything....

Thank you... for making it no longer a fight in my own head, for me trying to convince myself that I deserve better, thank-you for telling me I do, and for showing me that I do.... 

this is so freaking hard.

Day 5, 6 and 7... what next?

So, the past 3 days have proven to be the most difficult by far.... I told the universe that I wasn't going to let people treat me like crap anymore... and it slapped me in the face and said "oh really?, we'll see" and then thew the most impossible choice in front of me.

So on Thursday I decided to start a meditation course with a friend of mine, Friday nights for 5 weeks. So on Friday evening waiting for the bus my other friend calls we'll call her L. She calls and we talk about thanksgiving (which is this weekend by the way) So.... she asks if I'm going home, and I say, naw, you know I never go home... haven't been home on a holiday in 5 years. thanksgiving not since the year we buried my mother.... i don't feel very wanted there.

So she asked if I thought that was mostly me, or them? And I said, "well I think that its a lot of them, but that it is definitely me holding on to things from years past.... that my step father had told me probably 3 or 4 years prior when I asked if I could come home, he said "I don't think that's a good idea.".. he had told me on that occasion, that because his daughter and I don't get along, then he didn't think it would be a good idea.

I remember being so hurt that day... her and my mother never got along, but in all the years we lived at that farm, it was never even suggested that she wouldn't be invited home for a holiday. And then they all moved into the house, her, her husband, her mother and their 2 kids.... and I am not wanted. I was sooo hurt that day and I have never even asked since.

So in that moment on the phone with L I thought.. you know what maybe it is all in my head, maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm unwanted.... so I started scheming, figuring out how to get home this weekend. My other friend is out of the country so I had access to a car... and I worked on Saturday night, but not Sunday... or Monday. And... well I could drive up there on Saturday night!

On the bus I got super excited.... I haven't seen my step brother in so long, and he's been going through a really rough patch, and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, so I was so freaking excited about seeing him, my step father.... and my niece and nephew. My step sister, her husband and mother, I didn't really care about, but I knew I could put our differences aside.

So as soon as I got off the bus I called Chris, my brother, and asked what he thought about me driving home for thanksgiving. He said, that he would love to see me! I told him that I was scared that they didn't want me... and he said, "well I can't make that call, that's dad's call, so just call them and ask, or just say you are coming."

I got off the phone and called home.... Frank, my step father got on the phone.

We said a couple lines of basic, how are you, how are things... etc.
and then I asked if I could come home for thanksgiving. and he said.... well A. there's no where to sleep here. and I said, I don't care, I'll sleep on the couch.. or the floor.

"well... pause... um.... pause.... i don't think it's a good idea."
my heart sank, like being tossed into an ocean with no life jacket, my heart just dropped into my chest, and started to cry. I said.. "yup exactly what I thought you would say., Can I talk to Laurie. "

"ok! he said.. with severe apprehension in his voice"

So my step sister Laurie got on the phone.. I figured, for all these years I have always just let Frank do her fucking dirty work, and this time I was going to ask her, and have her actually say to my face that I wasn't allowed to come up on Thanksgiving!" I'll be honest... never thought that she would do that, she plays the I'm-so-perfect card so well, I thought there would be no way she'd actually tell me that I wasn't invited.... boy was I wrong.

She got on the phone and I point blatantly asked if I could come home for Thanksgiving.... she made a slight awkward giggle and said "way to put me on the spot!" I said, well I just thought I would ask, Chris is coming home, and I haven't been home in years, and I just wanted to know if I could come home.... and I know you make the decisions.... "

"well, I'd be never one to say to anyone that they didn't have a home and a healthy meal to come home to on thanksgiving... but.... you've done some number on my little family here!" (she was referring especially to an incident that had happened a few months prior where her husband wrote something on facebook that insulted my step father.... and I called him on it... and he told me to fuck myself. I called my brother cause I was so upset, who then wrote him and told him off, then called the house and told my step father and step sister what happened, what happened next, was apparently that they blamed me.... and he stood up for me and told them that this wasn't my fault.)

I said to her "I know we never talked about this, but the thing that happened with Scott was not my fault, he said something about Frank, and stood up for him, and your husband told me to fuck myself. .. I didn't call and talk to you about it cause I didn't want to stir the pot.... I called Chris cause I was upset....

her"well you and chris deleted Scott from facebook, and Chris and scott are just becoming friendly again.. do you think Scott will ever forgive Chris for that?"

while this conversation is going on the dialogue that is going on in my head is a million miles a second, I want to tell her she's a fucking moron, as if Chris would ever want to be friends with your husband he's an asshole, the only reason he's even nice to him is cause you live in the house with his father and he wants to still see his father... but no I don't say any of that, I start apologizing cause I want to come home sooo badly.

she proceeds to tell me that she has bent over backwards to make me feel welcome in that family, and that I have done everything I can to not feel welcome, referring to the last Christmas I came home and didn't even want my presents cause I left them all there... that I came and then left.... I said, that was 5 years ago! I was a kid, now I'm an adult....I'm thinking are you fucking kidding me, my mother had died, and I had broken up with my boyfriend... and i was fucked you fucking bitch!

anyways, there I was saying, yes I played a role in it, but I'm sorry, and that the last time I came home before Korea that she had said to me that it was a pleasure having me home and that I could come home anytime... how quickly we forget what we have said when we want to make someone feel like crap..
I told her that I knew we never have had a great relationship since I was little, but I respect that Scott is her husband, even though he hates me, and hated my mother... I just thought that you not wanting me home was in my head....

that this is my biggest fear... she proceeded to get angry and saying things like, way to guilt trip me... on thanksgiving... that if I want to fix this, call from time to time... come up for a weekend and we can talk about it... RIGHT.... like you have done absolutely anything in my life to make me want you in my life.... and call you?? are you kidding me, you have never fucking called me in my entire life. My mother died... and you never fucking called me!

Sometime when things weren't happening... I could try and fix this... and then got off the phone.

my step father got on the phone and said "I told you I thought it wasn't a good idea."
At this point I was almost hyperventilating I was so upset.... and I responded... "ya I'm sorry, I just thought we've been talking every week for months, and I stood up for you.. and thought that maybe, just maybe you would be able to stand up for me to her... " to which he responded, "now you are guilt tripping me... " to which I responded.. "I'm done. Good-bye...."

After getting off the phone and having experienced this total excitement at the prospect of actually going home, and then having them tell me that I am unwanted I broke down, and started sobbing standing on the street in downtown Toronto. I didn't care what people thought about me, I was just sooo upset.

I called my best friend.... and my step brother...

when I told Christopher his response was "they did what?" "no they didn't say that to you..." "are you kidding me?" "well you'll always have me....my heart is bleeding for you right now.... I'm so sorry."

I have spent 3 days in a state of shock.. so much is going through my mind... I am trying to purge the shit in my life.... but to realize that part of that are people you have thought were family.. is unbelievably difficult.

For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am not crazy... that every time I thought I was overreacting, and convincing myself that they didn't want me.... I was actually right.... realizing that and not playing the poor me, victim role is sooo difficult.

I ended up going to a meditation workshop o Friday night which was very helpful.. and then after my friend and I went to dinner... I felt ok... and I know that I can get through this... its just so freaking hard.

I ended up telling her the entire story of Laurie treating my mother like crap... of the guilt trips and the power struggle that existed over the years... of how her husband is a complete waste of space, and treated my mother like fucking crap.. then the hatred really started when I was 14 and one of Scott's friends who was 15 years older, had befriended me, and my mother didn't approve, so when I wanted to hang out with him.... she asked Scott to chaperon.... he dumped the duty on his sister and accused my mother of not trusting him.... looking back on it, she had every right to be worried, it was a fucked up relationship.. he was incredibly creepy.. and at 17 when he called after a couple years of not talking, I told him that I didn't think we should ever talk again.... It was sick that this man wanted to be my friend at 14, and my mother had every right to be worried, but no Scott had to turn it around and convince my mother she was the crazy one... and my poor mother with no self esteem..... believed him.

She never stood up for herself, and frank, her husband never stood up for her either.

I told my friend about how after my mother had died that despite the fact that my mother had invited them all to our family functions every year, and they had always an excuse, the year she died they came to our family reunion, to our Christmas dinner.... and how mad it made me.... that all my mother ever wanted was for their kids to call her Grandma, and how they had refused to allow their kids to do that, and the day she died, the day my mother died, those kids were saying grandma Dana...

I told her about how when I was in the relationship with C. and I knew things were ending, I had asked to come home when I was done school and had been told that my step father had lived on his own for 2 years and didn't think it was a good idea to live with someone else....

I told her about how my mother hadn't written me in the will, but had written Laurie and her children.... and because of that I spent 4 years fighting for a portion of the money that would pay for my school..... that I'm sure my mother just assumed that I would be taken care of, but her trust in them totally backfired...

I told her about the day I read the will, to realize this and then was told that Laurie, her husband, her two kids and her mother were moving back into the house....

too much for one little mind to digest.

I told her about calling home one night because it had gotten to the point at home where I knew C. was cheating on me... and it was awful... and I asked if I could come home, and my step father had said "I don't want you being here for 6 months, so you can come home for a week, pack everything up... "

That the week I broke up with C. I had come home and spent the week packing up all mine and my mother's belongings... and putting them in the barn.

Her response was "you never had a chance... you never had a chance with them... you and your mother never had a chance... she made sure that you always knew that he would never love you as much as he loved her.... and she has power over you because she got everything she ever wanted...and she's the one that got to keep her parent, and you didn't"

yup.. and I have given her that power because I am so freaking jealous that she's a total bitch and got everything she ever wanted.

where's the karma in that????

I am sooo jealous she got to keep her parent.

my friend said.... knowing all the shit you've been through, I would have lost my mind too.. no wonder you are so fucked up over men! These people do not treat you like family... they are not family, they are not blood, and you need to let them go out of your life.... they do not treat you properly... let them win... they just want you around cause they can abuse you. They have power over you and you let them.

FUCK!

I want so badly for this to be a figment of my imagination. I want so badly to have a functioning family, where I have parents and siblings who love me....

accepting this is really difficult.. I find myself, saying, "no, they didn't really mean that!" I don't want to let them go.... I don't want to admit that I don't have parents.... and no home to go home to.... I don't want to admit that to myself at all.

but I have to.. I have to say... you were sold a total load of bullshit and you bought into it... they convinced you you would never be good enough, that you weren't ever good enough..and you believed them, and its NOT TRUE! that you have a family, and a home to go to.... its just your friend's house... and not the house you grew up in....

That he wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband, he never stood up for your mother, and your poor mother didn't know any better.... cause she didn't think she deserved any better...

and this time things are going to change... you will never let that happen to you, and you will not teach your children that they don't deserve the very best, because you will love yourself and show them that that's all that matters....

have compassion for them, because how little they must love themselves if they have to prove their power by treating you like crap... someone who just loves and wants their acceptance....

That you deserve people in your life that adore you....

I'm trying to tell myself that this time is different because you don't have to feel sorry for yourself, feel liberated that you can see it all for what it really is.. a total sham... that you are so loved, and adored and wanted, and just cause they don't treat you like that, or feel that way doesn't challenge the validity of your love.

You have to let them go.... you have to stop seeking approval from them..... you HAVE TO STOP.



So...... through all this, I have wanted nothing more than to go get drunk, and find a man who wants to sleep with me... I just don't want to feel this rejection, I want to sleep with a man that proves to me that I am wanted.. even if it is for just one night....

This man that I have slept with a couple of times wrote me on Friday night at 2:30 in the morning... ironically the last time he wrote I was in Toronto too.... and thank-god I was this time, cause I feel like my world just got put into a blender and I am so freaking vulnerable, I wouldn't have been able to say no....

but I am sooo committed to this change in my life.... so committed, that I didn't tell him that I was in Toronto.... I simply wrote "sorry I've decided no more casual sex." he wrote " what if it wasn't casual" and I wrote "no more sex with anyone I'm not dating, that doesn't care about me" he wrote... "well what if I cater to you?" and I wrote "sorry no dice. night"

I can't even tell you how difficult that was. by saying that I have eliminated all the other times he may want to write me...

How I've always dealt with rejection, pain, sadness, loneliness is to get drunk and find a guy... that's the only way I know how to make the pain subside.... and here I am, at this point in my life where I am purging people that I absolutely have loved... and called family for years... and I'm not going to have sex to rid the sadness....

So yesterday the heaviness and the sorrow from this whole thing crept in and I was supposed to go to Oktoberfest with my cousin, and I realized that I was thinking about the men I'd see, and fantasizing about picking up, and realized I am sick.

I have this parasite in my thought process that has convinced me that that's all I can get, and that I don't deserve any better... and that I believe it.... that I can't go, I have to protect myself.... so I decided to come back to Toronto and be with a good friend so that I don't do anything stupid.... I need to protect myself from myself...so I did...

So its Sunday morning... and I am struggling this morning. I am sad.. I'm so sad.

I'm sad for the little girl inside me that never got the love she deserved... I am sad that I couldn't have known any better... I am sad to admit that I will never go back to the farm. That I will never have a father. I am sad to admit to myself that I really am an orphan.... and adult orphan, but nonetheless. I'm grieving this... and all the years I have wasted trying to get them to love me.

and yet.. I am so hopeful. I am hopeful because I am only 28, and I am seeing the truth, I am seeing that it all comes from self love... and I see the endless possibilities if I get to a point where I truly, madly, deeply love myself.... and how unbelievably that will manifest itself in my life... I am excited at creating this love around me, and eliminating the people that bring me down... I am excited about being able to not only tell, and teach, but show my children the difference between someone who loves themselves and someone who doesn't. I'm excited about being a Naturopathic doctor and actually being able to show people how to really love themselves... cause I know what its like to be put through the ringer......

Today... what am I thankful for today??

I am so thankful that I have the strength and the disposition to have never given up.. to finally be able to see the illusion for what it is, and for starting to accept love into my life.

I am so thankful that I am learning all this stuff in my 20s.

I am so thankful to have the friends and family I have.

I am so thankful for the beauty that surrounds us all in the changing leaves, the sun shining down, in rainbows, and thunderstorms.... the sound of walking through fallen leaves, and the smell of fall.

I am thankful for myself. I am so thankful that I am who I am, and not stuck on the roller coaster ride for another millenia.

I love myself.
today I love myself.
and I forgive those that don't know any better.... I forgive myself for not knowing any better.

week 2? can it get any harder? lol.

Day 4

I knew this wasn't going to be easy... and right now is the first of those many waves. It's a small wave.. but it is there none-the-less.Coupled with exhaustion, and frustration for missing a chemistry lab because of lack of planning on my own part... definitely plays a role in my feeling the lack of control that is starting to bubble up inside me...

What is this like? you ask. It's trying to kick a habit, an addiction, I'm sure.... but its an emotional addiction that hides itself under the surface.... Now, I am not going through crazy hard feelings right now, just a feeling like I don't know what to do with myself... I just want to get drunk and make the feeling go away...

In the past when I start feeling like this I mistake it for loneliness, and I go out to the bar, distract myself with beer and people, and then, hopefully find someone who wants to share my bed and make me feel not so alone...

Knowing, simply knowing that I can't go to that space anymore scares me... let alone when I actually feel that way. I want so badly to preoccupy my time with stupid chatter, going on POF and trying to find someone to talk to, that I KNOW, won't lead anywhere... its difficult to realize that you've been hurting your self for so many years that you can't even see it any more.

When I told one of my friends that I had decided to not have any interactions with men, aside from conversations with friends... but no seeking male attention of any kind, she said " well you don't have to do that, just be aware of your interactions, watch them, observe how you are... " I said" I can't"

what I realize is that my interactions with men have spiralled down the rabbit hole, and are at a point now where my neutral ground is so far in the negative, that what I think a positive interaction is still in the negative. My perception of what is going on is not in fact what is going on....

We've all heard that it's in the interpretation, its weird to start realizing that your interpretation is out of distorted goggles, that your view of something is completely squewed... it is also difficult to, despite the fact that you know this... when you can't explain it, articulate it.... its so hard to forge through, believe that you have it right, because of course, I could be completely wrong...

there's this tension that lies in the middle of my chest.... its the feeling right before a panic attack, the heaviness.... it's light... but someone once told me that panic is the feeling you get when you supress your emotions, when you don't want to let them out, its not being in control...

that's how I feel, out of control....

it's weird, I think that perhaps my interactions with men is how I attempted to gain control of the situation... as a kid and a teenager, I never had guys interested in me, so I finally took it upon myself to make things happen... I pursue men, I make it easy for them to pursue me, to make out with me, to sleep with me... I make the game easy, so that It actually happens.... that's where it started.... and now its become habit, I don't even realize, or see, that I made that choice, that I made that happen... that I made the game easy, and in so doing, made the outcome less and less enjoyable, to the point now where when I sleep with a guy I don't even care.... I don't expect him tocall or write, and if he does, there are 2 out comes... either I find something terribly wrong with him, and I run the other way... or 2. I just sleep with him, I make myself completely available to him, and make sleeping together how I validate myself....

ah its so sad... what my mother would think if she were able to see.... she would be so sad for me, that I let myself get to this point... to see how much I devalued myself... how I don't cherish myself.

So control, realizing... or at least starting to realize that this is all about control, control over my own life, removing these situations makes me feel like I'm not in control, and sends my brain running around in panic mode.... perhaps that feeling isn't my brain though? perhaps its my ego trying to regain control of the situation.... man its sooo hard to figure this shit out.

I had a fantasy last night... a fantasy that for the first time in my life I had sex and it meant something... that it was special, and loving and kind, and passionate, and important. That I met a man who was sensitive to the sacredness of it all. That I was at a point where I could actually be vulnerable with someone and make love.

It's difficult to imagine that I have never had sex where it means anything to the other person. That I have shared myself, and my body with countless men who don'tcare about me... and to be honest, that I don't even care about....

It's bizarre to realize that I have come so far that I just don't care anymore.. I don't care about the men, I rarely remember them, it just becomes another blur.

There was a time where I remembered everything about my life.. and now every day sort of runs in to the other... I'm not present in my own life.... This is my attempt to regain myself, be present, and reclaim my body, my mind and my spirit.

It doesn't make it any easier, when there's hope but no assured outcome... I hate doing anything unless I know that its going to turn out... I hate the risk...I want to be in control... and yet... here I am... feeling like I'm losing it... for the hope that I get it all back, but this time in a different, more empowered way...

doesn't make right now any easier though :(

Day 1....part 2.

I always say you must tackle all that which is difficult in your life, if you are scared of something then that means you should do it... that you should laugh in the face of fear and show yourself that you can do it anyways... no matter how scary it is.... so here I am, finally tackling probably the hardest thing in my life.... men.

Today is the first day of no men, at all.... no seeking of male attention in anyway. Day one... and I am completely and utterly lost...

I can't even tell you how aweful I feel right now... I feel depressed. Its 3pm, and I have laid in bed this whole time.... 15 hours. I feel like I used to feel years ago when I would just not get out of bed, ski school, or skip work... just get stuck behind my sadness.... every time I would wake up I would run through all the reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.... and here I am, feeling the exact same way.... when absolutely nothing has happened!

It's sooo weird. Its not like it was the weekend, and I am trying to avoid circumstances where I will be seeking male attention.. nope, just school... and I am incredibly depressed. Like I have no freaking idea what to do with myself... like this has been running me my whole life... and I have no idea what to do with myself without this to run me.. eveything I do is about "will I find him" "where is he" , "if I don't go out tonight, maybe I'll miss him.." it's like a tape on repeat.... for 9 years... same shit, all the time.

I feel so sad for me.... all the talk, all the thinking that I've changed, all the hope... and yet, nothing had changed.... I would still go out, pick up and sleep with some ass hole that didn't give a shit about me... but I obviously didn't give a shit about me either.... How deluded we all are to our own behavior... how unbelievably in denial about the things that we do on repeat a thousand times....

What I'm holding on to is.... someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome... well at least, if nothing changes, this is at least something new.... I'm trying something new, and at least that's a change.

OK...I have to go at least study today, so I'm not so incredibly wasteful with my day.

next thing to tackle.... smoking. fuck.

Day 1.

I realize that I am in complete and utter denial about how I treat myself. I have no clue what I am doing to myself... and I perpetuate all the negative things in my life because of the way I am being. I am constantly looking inside and trying to figure out WHY, what causes me to be the way I am and how to fix myself.... I talk to avoid... and I don't REALLY want to see what's going on or change... I get something out of it that I'M not even really clear about right now, and its terrifying.

I've been single for 5 years. 5 Years, and I have completely convinced myself that that is ok. I have completely convinced myself that my behaviour with men is ok and that I don't really care what they think of me.... I am in so much denial, I can't even see it.. but I know its there, and for that I am so thankful.

I constantly seek the attention of men, whether its positive or negative, and I don't even notice myself doing it....

This weekend, I talked to a really good friend of mine that is going through a similar transformation and the clarity that I am getting is profound...

I was telling her a story of the most recent guy I slept with.... we had slept together in the spring and ran into eachother, and one thing lead to another, I was heading home to sleep with him. Completely straight up, knew what was going to happen... we had good sex, soft, sensual sex... and then in the morning when he drove me home I asked if we were going ot exchange numbers. H told me that he wouldn't take mine, but he would give me his... he didn't want to take my number because "I'm just in a spot in my life where I know I won't call you"... ok.... "well I'll take yours then and call you sometime for a booty call.. deal?" "ok"... he gave me his number... to which I texted that night and the next day, only to find out it was the wrong number.

In the past I would have been sooo upset, so yes I have been making some progress... but told myself it must have been a mistake.... on thursday night I ran into him at the bar... walked right over to him and said "did you purposfully give me the wrong number"
"no"
"ok, well I've been texting the wrong number"
"oh" awkward silence
"well can I get your right number"
"no"
"so did you intentionally give me the wrong number"
"no, but I thought about it after and I don't want anything else ot happen between us."
"ok? you know I just want to sleep with you right? nothing more?"
"ya, but.."
"so that's it?"
awkward silence
"I'm going back to my friends now, ok?"
"ok... bye"

I told my friend this, and she says "why don't y ou walk around back of yourself and kickyourself in the back?"

"What?" I replied...

I didn't see it... I thought here I was not taking crap from another guy.. and she was like... yes you are.. you totally put yourself in a position where he was treating you like crap.. you made him, to your face tell you he wasn't interested...

I couldn't see it, I still can barely see it, I completel rationalize it away in my head....

The rest of the weekend was continuously talking about self love, and getting real with yourself...

At the end of the time with her I felt like there is no way I can go home after spending the whole weekend talking about this shit and go back to the same old bull shit... that I Have to make a chage... and my ego is going crazy right now.

every mean thing it could say is being said
"there's no way you can succeed"
"you need to have a guy in your life"
"there's nothing wrong with having sex and it not matter"
"you can never go 6 months without any male attention"
blah blah blah

and then there's this tiny little voice hidden behind it all that says"you can do this, I'm so excited for you... we can have fun again!" its like my inner child jumping up and down and the excitement of being able to live again and be free...

I'm terrified.

I've decided to not listen to my ego and go 6 months without sleeping with any guys... and after talking to my room mate... that means, not even seeking attention from guys... to take it one day at a time... one day...and just try.

I have no idea how I am going to do this... I totally equate male attention with my own value, and if I'm not seeking it, if I am not looking for it, or accepting it... I have no idea where that value is going to come from... but I am determined to get off this fucking roller coaster ride.... and I know the only answer is to love myself... and treat myself with respect, take care of myself and not allow myself to equate my own worth to whether someone is paying attention to me...

so. tomorrow is day one.

I have gone through my phone and facebook and deleted all the men that I would call for a booty call.... or just to get attention from. Most guys were fine.. but a couple of them. Its so hard, because I want them to want me.. I want them to like me... and I know that when I delete them, I will never hear from them again.

I am hiding my plenty of fish account.... because I am not ready to delete it...

I am terrified, I am scared that I can't do this.. that in 2 days I am going to text some one or invite someone over. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. I am scared that at the end of this.. if I put 100% and actually get to 6 months/year without sleeping, or even kissing a single man, nothing will have changed. I will still be exactly here, and still single. That it will all be in vain.... deep down I know that won't be the truth, but that's how I feel right now... I feel like its the biggest mountain EVER! I am so overwhelmed... how the fuck am I going to do this.

I'm going to try my best to document this journey....
INTENSE.
A.