So these past few weeks have been pretty fucked up to say the least... I pretty much felt as suicidal as I have felt in years... the culmination of everything.
Honestly it was all my emotions coming barelling at me.. and being completely confronted on every level.
I have analyzed the shit out of it all and this is what I see.
I got to the point where I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life
My family treats me like I don't belong or exist... so I'm clearly a failure in that department
I am still overweight and smoke so I fail in the health department
I have been borrowing money to get by so I fail in the money department
My friend breaking up with me signaled I failed in the friendship department
and then my trusty man attention seeking to console my heart failed when Q deleted me
and then I sprained my ankle - so my body was failing
and then I failed my midterm - for the two things I was most proud of... so I felt like I failed in the person department too...
It was like this wave of self hatred swarmed over me... and I honestly wanted to die
then this week I read 2 books, spirit junkie and radical acceptance.... they have helped emensely
and this is what I have realized...
abandonment is my default pain.
it is what makes me the person I am... how deeply I love and hold on is because I made a rule that I hated being abandoned and I would never abandon anyone... its what caused me to hold on to C. for so many years... its what fueled what happened with T, its what had started to happen with Q.... that I can't let go cause I am scared I am abandoning them.. so I need to actually hear... fuck off for me to leave....
so then out of that I realized that T was there to teach me that at one point its ok to abandon... to break the rule in the name of sanity.
I realized that at the base of that abandonment was the feeling that if I could have loved them enough, if I could give them the best thing.. if I could teach them to love themselves... then they would love me back... funny as I am sitting here writing this I am thinking... it was always a direct course to me learning how to love myself... interesting :)
So I learned that I thought if only I could love them enough.. if only I could teach them they were lovable... then they would love me...
that there was a fundamental flaw with me.. and for years I have been in search of fixing this fundamental flaw... but really there is no flaw... that its not me... that some people are good for me and some are bad for me and if they are bad for me.. its ok to let go.
I can't even begin to imagine giving myself permission to leave a guy the second I see anything I really don't like about him.. to see him for who he is.
wait.. I can.. I can imagine and its liberating... I can imagine what it would be like to find a relationship that is just easy and not a struggle.... that it just happens and I don't have to convince myself of anything... I just like him and he just likes me... and there is nothing else to analyze.
:)
I can imagine not having to look back and analyze any more... to just be here now, talking about what's going on and celebrating instead of peeling away years and years of fucked up ness.
I honestly think this has all been leading here... to a point in my life where I am able to stop analyzing the past to get me to get free from it...
to be able to separate from my longing... to accept myself as my own best friend.
So... in the end I texted T and said that through him I let go of my fear, my insecurities, all the walls that I have built between me and the rest of the world... and that he helped me to see that I thought I had this fundamental flaw which I do not... that through him I realized there really is nothing I could do to change the circumstances... that if he wants to grab coffee when he figures out his shit cool, if not thanks for playing the game of life with me.
and then I deleted him today.
and with Q... a couple weird things happened... its not really important.. except I nw realize that it got complicated fast.. and its not what I want at all. That I turn into this weird person who is trying to cater to a man that she feels is somehow better than her.... so I deleted him from my phone too!
So ya... here is to being able to do this right from moment one. Are you available emotionally. yes? no? no= out.
wish me luck
we'll see
Monday, February 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
My humblest gratitude for death
this week I have felt like I'm in front of a firing squad. I have felt lost and confused. Not knowing for what I should fight for and for what I should let go. I am confused.... my emotions bubbling up inside me.. no time to process, I was left feeling suffocated... suffocated from questioning myself, of having everything I want, everything I am be turned upside down and questioned.
Its difficult looking at my life... of looking at how people have treated me.
I figured out my new tattoo.
on my foot I am going to write
"your legacy is my story... tread lightly."
Looking back on my life I cannot deny the pain people have caused me... and its not that I do not feel like I had to go through what i did... I forgive those that caused me pain... but I have to learn to step out of the way, to no longer put myself in the line of pain.... for others.... that my wellbeing is more important than how they feel.
I cannot ask people to change... I can only let them be them, and with love in my heart bid them farewell. It hurts, llike I am abandoning the people I love.. and my biggest fear is abandonment... but I have to.. I have to let them go and its tearing me apart.. its tearing my very core out...
I am not mad... I just have to protect the child in my heart, and recognize that I know better.... no appology means no change.. and I will continue to subject myself to pain.. I must step out of the suffering I have gotten used to... I have to step out of believing I owe anyone anything... and accept people for who they are.. accept they are on their own journey, and all I can do is show love.. but that doesn't mean give myself... give up my heart to people who cannot even take care of their own.
I must learn to recognize those that take care of themselves are the only ones that can take care of my heart. and those that can't can no longer be in my life... that I have to emulate, embody taking care.. and believe in myself to know that I deserveto be cherished.. to be adored, to be protected and supported.. to be loved.
In the chaos that was this week I wrote a poem... I want to share.
****
DEATH.
The power of a word moves in your soul..envokes fear, sadness, uncertainty, grief.
flashes of loved ones lost - of moments gone
Death like an unopened closet, a monster under the bed of your child self.
We either fear death or we do not.. but the pain of losing someone we love - the idea of losing all those we love -
chest constriction - door slamming shut on emotions too raw to expose
It is our fear of death that leaves us paralyzed.
But what if death were beautiful?
What if death is simply the game of life pushing us to be present - to love unaboundedly - to express ourselves without limitation?
At 20 my life shattered - like the going to seed and blowing away of a dandelion.
I was not prepared to let death in... but it is death that has give me life.. it has been death that has exposed life and all the questions life reveals.
DEATH.
A path lost - a dream lost.. and yet a promise made to be the sacrifice that revealed my life.
Death is meant to show us life, to show us our own strength
to reveal our authenticity and to make us fearless.
I was born from clay hands and paintbrushes
of dance and eclipses and contellations
of flowers and laughing and singing.. of raindrops and bubbles and rainbows.
I was born from poverty, abandonment and a broken heart
I was born from lonliness, despair and fear
I was born from the death of those clay hands
I was created out of the ashes of the deepest loss
I was renewed through depression - through drinking, drugs and sex
I was born from running away - from travelling the earth searching for my happiness
I was born from my questions of how to live.. how to survive.. how to be whole
I was created through self-compassion, perserverance and unconditional love.
I was created from the love of strangers
I was created from tears and my grief cry
the tears melting my broken heart.
tears exposing my fragility, my vulnerability and my subsequent strength
It is through death I found my courage
It is through death I found my heart
It is through death I found my inner voice
It is through death I found my truth
death revealed the authentic being that i am and gave me the courage to be me
anguish only points us to the center of our souls - to our hearts voice
and suffering is only useful until its not.
like a tapestry more beautiful than the fabrics it was weaved from
like a mozaic more beautiful than the glass that broke
i was born from the sorrow of my life
I was born from the determination to heal my soul
I was born from the acceptance of death
i am made whole by my suffering and my inability to stop believing in love
I was born from a dancers rhythm, from clay hands and paintbrushes
I was born from butterfly kisses, and lullabyes and unconditional love
I was born through the death of that soul
The biggest gift of my life is my mother's spirit
I was born from the ashes of my mom and my determination to discover why
DEATH is just life's way of revealing the light of ourselves
In humblest gratitude for the gift of death.
namaste.
Its difficult looking at my life... of looking at how people have treated me.
I figured out my new tattoo.
on my foot I am going to write
"your legacy is my story... tread lightly."
Looking back on my life I cannot deny the pain people have caused me... and its not that I do not feel like I had to go through what i did... I forgive those that caused me pain... but I have to learn to step out of the way, to no longer put myself in the line of pain.... for others.... that my wellbeing is more important than how they feel.
I cannot ask people to change... I can only let them be them, and with love in my heart bid them farewell. It hurts, llike I am abandoning the people I love.. and my biggest fear is abandonment... but I have to.. I have to let them go and its tearing me apart.. its tearing my very core out...
I am not mad... I just have to protect the child in my heart, and recognize that I know better.... no appology means no change.. and I will continue to subject myself to pain.. I must step out of the suffering I have gotten used to... I have to step out of believing I owe anyone anything... and accept people for who they are.. accept they are on their own journey, and all I can do is show love.. but that doesn't mean give myself... give up my heart to people who cannot even take care of their own.
I must learn to recognize those that take care of themselves are the only ones that can take care of my heart. and those that can't can no longer be in my life... that I have to emulate, embody taking care.. and believe in myself to know that I deserveto be cherished.. to be adored, to be protected and supported.. to be loved.
In the chaos that was this week I wrote a poem... I want to share.
****
DEATH.
The power of a word moves in your soul..envokes fear, sadness, uncertainty, grief.
flashes of loved ones lost - of moments gone
Death like an unopened closet, a monster under the bed of your child self.
We either fear death or we do not.. but the pain of losing someone we love - the idea of losing all those we love -
chest constriction - door slamming shut on emotions too raw to expose
It is our fear of death that leaves us paralyzed.
But what if death were beautiful?
What if death is simply the game of life pushing us to be present - to love unaboundedly - to express ourselves without limitation?
At 20 my life shattered - like the going to seed and blowing away of a dandelion.
I was not prepared to let death in... but it is death that has give me life.. it has been death that has exposed life and all the questions life reveals.
DEATH.
A path lost - a dream lost.. and yet a promise made to be the sacrifice that revealed my life.
Death is meant to show us life, to show us our own strength
to reveal our authenticity and to make us fearless.
I was born from clay hands and paintbrushes
of dance and eclipses and contellations
of flowers and laughing and singing.. of raindrops and bubbles and rainbows.
I was born from poverty, abandonment and a broken heart
I was born from lonliness, despair and fear
I was born from the death of those clay hands
I was created out of the ashes of the deepest loss
I was renewed through depression - through drinking, drugs and sex
I was born from running away - from travelling the earth searching for my happiness
I was born from my questions of how to live.. how to survive.. how to be whole
I was created through self-compassion, perserverance and unconditional love.
I was created from the love of strangers
I was created from tears and my grief cry
the tears melting my broken heart.
tears exposing my fragility, my vulnerability and my subsequent strength
It is through death I found my courage
It is through death I found my heart
It is through death I found my inner voice
It is through death I found my truth
death revealed the authentic being that i am and gave me the courage to be me
anguish only points us to the center of our souls - to our hearts voice
and suffering is only useful until its not.
like a tapestry more beautiful than the fabrics it was weaved from
like a mozaic more beautiful than the glass that broke
i was born from the sorrow of my life
I was born from the determination to heal my soul
I was born from the acceptance of death
i am made whole by my suffering and my inability to stop believing in love
I was born from a dancers rhythm, from clay hands and paintbrushes
I was born from butterfly kisses, and lullabyes and unconditional love
I was born through the death of that soul
The biggest gift of my life is my mother's spirit
I was born from the ashes of my mom and my determination to discover why
DEATH is just life's way of revealing the light of ourselves
In humblest gratitude for the gift of death.
namaste.
Monday, February 11, 2013
being stopped in my tracks - gratitude through pain
I've been waiting all weekend to find the right time to document its events.It is 2:37 am Sunday night/monday morning and I feel that before I go to sleep the time has come.
On Friday night I twisted my ankle walking away from the bar. My friend was falling in front of me and I went to grab her and twisted my ankle both ways, and found myself in the middle of an intersection not able to get up. I moved myself to the side and sat there, trying to decipher if I had broken anything, and if it would be better for me to stand, or to go to the hospital.
after about 15 minutes, I determined that it was a bad sprain and got up. The emotions that came over me were of embarrassment, frustration and anger at my friend and the event. I sat in a local eatery crying.... emotions long pushed away bubbling up inside me.
Desperately wanting to call my mother. Trying to figure out who else I could call for moral support. I wanted a man to comfort me. I texted J, T and Q. And eventually got the courage to call Q. I left a message appologizing for the inconvenience, but wanting moral support.
The emotions that came up were of utter despair, of lonliness and of abandonment. None of them responded.
I was desperately sad that I felt I had no men in my life that cared enough, that were local.
When I got home I called JM, the man who had visited a few times in January, and who I had decided to break things off with because of the shift that occured in me around sex.
We spoke for quite sometime... crying... the ever sea of emotions bubbling up inside me.
The next day I was immediately in a space of asking why this had happened. I woke to discover that Q had deleted me and blocked me off facebook.
Among the pain of my ankle, the day before my friend JR and I broke up. She has always been quite mean in her expression of concern for me... and although her intentions come from a place of wanting to help, she judges me and makes me feel like shit about myself.... something that I have desperately fought with.... allowing myself to accept who I am and who I have been and accepting the journey, no matter how repetitive it is.... she pushes me away.... like so many people do.
A friend of mine came to bring me pain killers and show me love... and as I looked around the apartment at the chaos surrounding me... after she left I realized that in order to feel better I had to clean. No matter how long it took me. To just be with every moment.
I didn't turn on any music... and spent the day cleaning... present to the pain, to my actions, with my mind surprisingly on silent.
The physical pain brought up memories of my emergency surgery in Thailand, how unbelievably scared I was, and how alone I felt.... accepting that I could die in surgery.... but thankful that it had happened on that day,of all days, or I would have been dead.
The only people I spoke to didn't know how to comfort me... didn't understand me....the same way I feel in most of my life.
The emotional pain, coupled with the physical pain, and the loss of both JR and Q all at the same time... along with having 2 papers due this week, plus 2 assigments.... was too much for me... and in order to not fall apart, I had to silent my brain... not give it any energy....
Over the weekend, in my silence I came to realize the depth of myself....
I cut off all my hair... and I saw how I handle emotional and physical pain .. along with understanding how fragile the mind is.. and how easily one could have a nervous breakdown and end up institutionalized.
I am different.
I have a wisdom inside me that I have pushed away and covered with destructive behaviours, with the hope that I can hide.. and yet I talk a lot... always looking for attention and approval.
I have to let it go.
I ended up remembering my friend had sent a digital copy of the tibetan book of living and dying on Friday and so spent the day today reading it. It was interesting reading it, and realizing that I know of all of the wisdom it presents, without ever really having a teacher. My teacher has been life...and random authors,channelers, movies, friends and experiences... but I have come to know the truth of life.... and it scares the shit out of me.
I have come to realize my mother was one of the smartest, most compassionate people I have ever met...and that I too am the same. That I have struggled against the knowledge that is inside me, for fear of being wrong... but now, this year... as I have faced more sadness and fear than I ever have before... I am recognizing who I truly am. Who I was as a child.... and the gift my life can ultimately give others.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I cannot save everyone... that people see what they see... through their own filter... and that I cannot judge where they are at... and not take things personally.
I finally wrote the letter to my biological father....
****************************
Patrick,
It's takn me 2 monhs to figure out what I wanted to write you... patiently I've waited for the words to creep up inside me. Patience is not normally something that comes easy to me... but with you I somehow feel unrushed.
I've had an interesting 24 hours, week, month, year. Today I cut off al my hair.I've had long hair for a while now - a couple years- and it hasn't been this short since I was probably 22? I've been dying it since I was about 16.. every colour - every style. Most ey its ben blonde with the occasional pink accent when I really want to express myself.
The last time I dyed it was last March - and its been gowing out ever since... I decided I wanted to see my natural colour again before it all gos gray - and today I felt like cutting off all tht remaind of the blond - I am me - more me today thaan I have ever been.
Last night I sprained my ankle. Iwas embarrassed and frustrated - but then decided to figure out why it happene to e. Why now?
I s in so much pain I can't even tell you = and the teasrs just flowed.
The physical pain released memories long pushed away - experiences of my life that I am unaware of.
I talk alot. I think it may be to get me to this point. Where I feel like I finally have foundme.
The past year has put me trough the ringer - painful experiences pilled one on top of the other - the desire to be happy, t figure life out = to finish school driving me.
I feel ike I've been on a tread wheel forever - begging it to stop - wondering how to get off - tosimply realize its getting out of my head - being present - accepting life's experiences that is the answer.
My apartment wasa disaster - and I spent the day cleaning it - slowly. I've never been one to keep my place clean - in fact keeping my place clean is one of the many tasks to take care of myself that I haven't had much experience in.
But now I can't handle my place being very messy - it feels chaotic, when all I want is peace.
So I took it slow - an cleaned. Not getting frustrated, not rushing myself - jut enjoying the experince - reminding myself about how wonderful I'll feel when it's done.
This is the first apartment I've ever had that really feels like home. I finally have all my things in one place. My space is a reflection of me - and there's rainbow coloured lights everywhere - candles, inspiring quots and colour. It's nice to have such a joyous space.
The physical pain last night brought up all sorts of emotions - well mainly sadness - it's been a long time since I have experienced physical pain. Not since Thailand.
I had finished up a year of teaching english in Korea and I had been waiting to go to Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I was so excited and hadn't decided what I was going to so next - but mytrip had been a dream for a long time. I had 3 weeks where had planned on visiting Laos and Cambodia before I as to meet a man who had sailboat. Like I said, I had always anted to learn how to sail - and we were to sail down the coast of Thailand - me learning along the way. ...
*****
I'll have to finish this some other time. I can't keep my eyes open.
AJ
On Friday night I twisted my ankle walking away from the bar. My friend was falling in front of me and I went to grab her and twisted my ankle both ways, and found myself in the middle of an intersection not able to get up. I moved myself to the side and sat there, trying to decipher if I had broken anything, and if it would be better for me to stand, or to go to the hospital.
after about 15 minutes, I determined that it was a bad sprain and got up. The emotions that came over me were of embarrassment, frustration and anger at my friend and the event. I sat in a local eatery crying.... emotions long pushed away bubbling up inside me.
Desperately wanting to call my mother. Trying to figure out who else I could call for moral support. I wanted a man to comfort me. I texted J, T and Q. And eventually got the courage to call Q. I left a message appologizing for the inconvenience, but wanting moral support.
The emotions that came up were of utter despair, of lonliness and of abandonment. None of them responded.
I was desperately sad that I felt I had no men in my life that cared enough, that were local.
When I got home I called JM, the man who had visited a few times in January, and who I had decided to break things off with because of the shift that occured in me around sex.
We spoke for quite sometime... crying... the ever sea of emotions bubbling up inside me.
The next day I was immediately in a space of asking why this had happened. I woke to discover that Q had deleted me and blocked me off facebook.
Among the pain of my ankle, the day before my friend JR and I broke up. She has always been quite mean in her expression of concern for me... and although her intentions come from a place of wanting to help, she judges me and makes me feel like shit about myself.... something that I have desperately fought with.... allowing myself to accept who I am and who I have been and accepting the journey, no matter how repetitive it is.... she pushes me away.... like so many people do.
A friend of mine came to bring me pain killers and show me love... and as I looked around the apartment at the chaos surrounding me... after she left I realized that in order to feel better I had to clean. No matter how long it took me. To just be with every moment.
I didn't turn on any music... and spent the day cleaning... present to the pain, to my actions, with my mind surprisingly on silent.
The physical pain brought up memories of my emergency surgery in Thailand, how unbelievably scared I was, and how alone I felt.... accepting that I could die in surgery.... but thankful that it had happened on that day,of all days, or I would have been dead.
The only people I spoke to didn't know how to comfort me... didn't understand me....the same way I feel in most of my life.
The emotional pain, coupled with the physical pain, and the loss of both JR and Q all at the same time... along with having 2 papers due this week, plus 2 assigments.... was too much for me... and in order to not fall apart, I had to silent my brain... not give it any energy....
Over the weekend, in my silence I came to realize the depth of myself....
I cut off all my hair... and I saw how I handle emotional and physical pain .. along with understanding how fragile the mind is.. and how easily one could have a nervous breakdown and end up institutionalized.
I am different.
I have a wisdom inside me that I have pushed away and covered with destructive behaviours, with the hope that I can hide.. and yet I talk a lot... always looking for attention and approval.
I have to let it go.
I ended up remembering my friend had sent a digital copy of the tibetan book of living and dying on Friday and so spent the day today reading it. It was interesting reading it, and realizing that I know of all of the wisdom it presents, without ever really having a teacher. My teacher has been life...and random authors,channelers, movies, friends and experiences... but I have come to know the truth of life.... and it scares the shit out of me.
I have come to realize my mother was one of the smartest, most compassionate people I have ever met...and that I too am the same. That I have struggled against the knowledge that is inside me, for fear of being wrong... but now, this year... as I have faced more sadness and fear than I ever have before... I am recognizing who I truly am. Who I was as a child.... and the gift my life can ultimately give others.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I cannot save everyone... that people see what they see... through their own filter... and that I cannot judge where they are at... and not take things personally.
I finally wrote the letter to my biological father....
****************************
Patrick,
It's takn me 2 monhs to figure out what I wanted to write you... patiently I've waited for the words to creep up inside me. Patience is not normally something that comes easy to me... but with you I somehow feel unrushed.
I've had an interesting 24 hours, week, month, year. Today I cut off al my hair.I've had long hair for a while now - a couple years- and it hasn't been this short since I was probably 22? I've been dying it since I was about 16.. every colour - every style. Most ey its ben blonde with the occasional pink accent when I really want to express myself.
The last time I dyed it was last March - and its been gowing out ever since... I decided I wanted to see my natural colour again before it all gos gray - and today I felt like cutting off all tht remaind of the blond - I am me - more me today thaan I have ever been.
Last night I sprained my ankle. Iwas embarrassed and frustrated - but then decided to figure out why it happene to e. Why now?
I s in so much pain I can't even tell you = and the teasrs just flowed.
The physical pain released memories long pushed away - experiences of my life that I am unaware of.
I talk alot. I think it may be to get me to this point. Where I feel like I finally have foundme.
The past year has put me trough the ringer - painful experiences pilled one on top of the other - the desire to be happy, t figure life out = to finish school driving me.
I feel ike I've been on a tread wheel forever - begging it to stop - wondering how to get off - tosimply realize its getting out of my head - being present - accepting life's experiences that is the answer.
My apartment wasa disaster - and I spent the day cleaning it - slowly. I've never been one to keep my place clean - in fact keeping my place clean is one of the many tasks to take care of myself that I haven't had much experience in.
But now I can't handle my place being very messy - it feels chaotic, when all I want is peace.
So I took it slow - an cleaned. Not getting frustrated, not rushing myself - jut enjoying the experince - reminding myself about how wonderful I'll feel when it's done.
This is the first apartment I've ever had that really feels like home. I finally have all my things in one place. My space is a reflection of me - and there's rainbow coloured lights everywhere - candles, inspiring quots and colour. It's nice to have such a joyous space.
The physical pain last night brought up all sorts of emotions - well mainly sadness - it's been a long time since I have experienced physical pain. Not since Thailand.
I had finished up a year of teaching english in Korea and I had been waiting to go to Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I was so excited and hadn't decided what I was going to so next - but mytrip had been a dream for a long time. I had 3 weeks where had planned on visiting Laos and Cambodia before I as to meet a man who had sailboat. Like I said, I had always anted to learn how to sail - and we were to sail down the coast of Thailand - me learning along the way. ...
*****
I'll have to finish this some other time. I can't keep my eyes open.
AJ
Friday, February 08, 2013
Anxiety takes over - February 12,2008
At the gull - took the day of work. Really overwhelmed with leaving - have been anxious all day and having panick attacks. Thinking about the things I want to do befre I lave. Upset I won't have a home to come home t... Sad. Realized this week that CL is the only guy that I can behave like an idiot around and he'll still be around - still love im - mss im - know that I have to get over him. Talked to him last week and told him I needed to get over him - that I've spent the past 2 years hoping that he will turn around and loveme. Sad tht I'm not the girl that will crack him.
Confused about leaving - not knowing when I'll come home. pset that so mch of my stuf is in the barn - getting ruined. Sad I haven't visited mom's grav site or seen F in over a year. Realize I sabbotage myself with guys - I know sex - nothing else.
Worried about grandma's ring and mom's ring - worried about my pictures from when I was little - Japan etc.
Goin to miss my freds terribly. I reallymiss mom - hoping that I'll see and meet P (my biologicl father) - wan so much from life - not sure what next.
Growing spiritually - knowing I need to let go - realized this week hatI have a really hard time saying no to myself.
Confused - very confused. I kno that I am exactly where I need to be, but overwhelmed with it.
Ironic - that I always was worried about saying/doing something that would scareCL off - only to ealize now that he's the only guy that's still there. Loyal?
Worry about everyhing - especially what people think of me - especially when it comes to sex. Wish I had a partner - think too much - analyze too mch - can't spend time by mself - tried grounding myself during my panick attacks.
Need to move/sell my stuff. see my friends - tie off loose ends - get my visa - figure out how to pay my bills in Korea. get laptop - clothes - luggage. Feel inadequate.
Decided to go to Korea becase I have noreal roots here - at the same time overwhelmed by that truth.
Realzing having to parent myself.Not sure how - Too much thought. Way too much thought.
Wish sometimes life was simpler - but know if it was.. I would be bored.
Not sure wht to expect. Toomuch going on in my head.
Realize first time snce Banff that this change is all on my own - that no one has control but me. Africa - CL broke up wih me - Mom died - it's completely up to me to go - very weird.
Going because I WANT to and not knowing if I'm ready. Hope I am. Will I be able to handle being there? by myelf?
Excitbut have many other thigs to worry about.
Confused. Hopeful - still happy - and thankful that I CAN go anywhere.
Ungle G. said that mom was always about letting life take you wherever - maybe she really wanted this for me. Wanted to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
Realization - that full body buzz I get when I'm sick - that I thought it may be a key to something geater - it comes really easily to me... i's my being - my doorwy beyond this world and when I feel this way it scares me - right now 'm feeling my inner body and it scares me because I'mnot in control - letting go is terrifying because I don't feel in control - maybe I am in contro - that its my ego that isn't - ad it's my ego that's scared - not me.
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle and its making me really think I am whole - being whole - being happy - right now it scares my ego - scares what I relate to as me.
Confused about leaving - not knowing when I'll come home. pset that so mch of my stuf is in the barn - getting ruined. Sad I haven't visited mom's grav site or seen F in over a year. Realize I sabbotage myself with guys - I know sex - nothing else.
Worried about grandma's ring and mom's ring - worried about my pictures from when I was little - Japan etc.
Goin to miss my freds terribly. I reallymiss mom - hoping that I'll see and meet P (my biologicl father) - wan so much from life - not sure what next.
Growing spiritually - knowing I need to let go - realized this week hatI have a really hard time saying no to myself.
Confused - very confused. I kno that I am exactly where I need to be, but overwhelmed with it.
Ironic - that I always was worried about saying/doing something that would scareCL off - only to ealize now that he's the only guy that's still there. Loyal?
Worry about everyhing - especially what people think of me - especially when it comes to sex. Wish I had a partner - think too much - analyze too mch - can't spend time by mself - tried grounding myself during my panick attacks.
Need to move/sell my stuff. see my friends - tie off loose ends - get my visa - figure out how to pay my bills in Korea. get laptop - clothes - luggage. Feel inadequate.
Decided to go to Korea becase I have noreal roots here - at the same time overwhelmed by that truth.
Realzing having to parent myself.Not sure how - Too much thought. Way too much thought.
Wish sometimes life was simpler - but know if it was.. I would be bored.
Not sure wht to expect. Toomuch going on in my head.
Realize first time snce Banff that this change is all on my own - that no one has control but me. Africa - CL broke up wih me - Mom died - it's completely up to me to go - very weird.
Going because I WANT to and not knowing if I'm ready. Hope I am. Will I be able to handle being there? by myelf?
Excitbut have many other thigs to worry about.
Confused. Hopeful - still happy - and thankful that I CAN go anywhere.
Ungle G. said that mom was always about letting life take you wherever - maybe she really wanted this for me. Wanted to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
Realization - that full body buzz I get when I'm sick - that I thought it may be a key to something geater - it comes really easily to me... i's my being - my doorwy beyond this world and when I feel this way it scares me - right now 'm feeling my inner body and it scares me because I'mnot in control - letting go is terrifying because I don't feel in control - maybe I am in contro - that its my ego that isn't - ad it's my ego that's scared - not me.
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle and its making me really think I am whole - being whole - being happy - right now it scares my ego - scares what I relate to as me.
January 9, 2008 - Eat Pray Love
So, considering I haven't written in forever I decided to journal - journal my thoughts and my revelations - not just the pain and suffering - and saw this journal half empty and it called to me to be used. Im in the process of reading a book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and every word she writes I find something about myself. Today I would like to start documenting my realizations
That I beat myself up constantly for who I am and what I do -as though I think I could be anyone else. That there's much to learn but I need to embrace and love everything about me, that I can become aware and responsible for what I say and do - but still follow with I love you and you are perfect.
That my not being out of love w CL is not the end of the world and to stop hating myself, but rather ask myself - is this right for you? Is this trully an expression of who you are - and that it will take time - and practice.
hat you have your own path abd on it you won't always find approval - but tha following your heart and your integriy will promote happiness - and ultimate respect.
You must follow your own heart. That you know that your forgiveness of CL and your love for him is ultimately loving yourself - but inside that letting him go is self-respect - and that above all else you must respect yourself.
That perhaps when you want a man or sex you shold ask yourself what this is REALLY about... and try to deal with it as opposed tostuffing it inside you - BUT - that when you choose that path to not hate yourself for doing it .
Only YOU know what you need.
You tell yourself this but never really embrace it. You will only find a man when you are doingwhat you love - and are up to something. SO LET GO and find someone - they will come - you are a light for someone - just TRUST in the devine. BUT be in action, allow yourself to be open Love yourself
If ever you are in doubt. Be silent - andask your mm for guidance - she will show you the way. How lucky you are to have someone in that place .. so close to you - for she can help you with some of the questions.. just love and respect her - but ultimately - ask yourself - listen to GOD within and accept the answers he/she gives you.
He is your father - she is your mother.. they will telyou but moreor - you know because they reside within you. You are god - you are love. You are everything
Just ask yourself.. and when you do.. you will find theaswers.
TRUST YOURSELF.
AJ
That I beat myself up constantly for who I am and what I do -as though I think I could be anyone else. That there's much to learn but I need to embrace and love everything about me, that I can become aware and responsible for what I say and do - but still follow with I love you and you are perfect.
That my not being out of love w CL is not the end of the world and to stop hating myself, but rather ask myself - is this right for you? Is this trully an expression of who you are - and that it will take time - and practice.
hat you have your own path abd on it you won't always find approval - but tha following your heart and your integriy will promote happiness - and ultimate respect.
You must follow your own heart. That you know that your forgiveness of CL and your love for him is ultimately loving yourself - but inside that letting him go is self-respect - and that above all else you must respect yourself.
That perhaps when you want a man or sex you shold ask yourself what this is REALLY about... and try to deal with it as opposed tostuffing it inside you - BUT - that when you choose that path to not hate yourself for doing it .
Only YOU know what you need.
You tell yourself this but never really embrace it. You will only find a man when you are doingwhat you love - and are up to something. SO LET GO and find someone - they will come - you are a light for someone - just TRUST in the devine. BUT be in action, allow yourself to be open Love yourself
If ever you are in doubt. Be silent - andask your mm for guidance - she will show you the way. How lucky you are to have someone in that place .. so close to you - for she can help you with some of the questions.. just love and respect her - but ultimately - ask yourself - listen to GOD within and accept the answers he/she gives you.
He is your father - she is your mother.. they will telyou but moreor - you know because they reside within you. You are god - you are love. You are everything
Just ask yourself.. and when you do.. you will find theaswers.
TRUST YOURSELF.
AJ
Thursday, February 07, 2013
when I realized I hated myself - May 13, 2006
It all boils down to self-hatred. When did you look to other people for acceptance.
What are the things you do to hurt yourself - or that demonstrate your lack of respect.
smoking
accessive drinking
accessive sex
not doing dishes
not cleaning my room
staying home when I say I'll meet someone.
Lavalife
no excercise - trying to skimp
not brushing my teeth
not having a shower everyday
snacking
not washing my hands all the time
What are the things you know show you love yourself?
passion about myself
get involved with things I love
pride for myself
wanting to be single
cleaning the dishes
doing laundry
cleaning/making the bed
excercising
shower everyday
brush teeth 2x a day
washing hands all the time
stop smoking
stop having sex/being promiscuous
eating healthy/regularly
sex- no rough sex
How did you feel when mom hit you? is that what made you feel unworthy -
deal with this before you are with someone who hits you to make you see your worth it and something is wrong - well that you need to deal
love you
read
run
laugh
What are the things you do to hurt yourself - or that demonstrate your lack of respect.
smoking
accessive drinking
accessive sex
not doing dishes
not cleaning my room
staying home when I say I'll meet someone.
Lavalife
no excercise - trying to skimp
not brushing my teeth
not having a shower everyday
snacking
not washing my hands all the time
What are the things you know show you love yourself?
passion about myself
get involved with things I love
pride for myself
wanting to be single
cleaning the dishes
doing laundry
cleaning/making the bed
excercising
shower everyday
brush teeth 2x a day
washing hands all the time
stop smoking
stop having sex/being promiscuous
eating healthy/regularly
sex- no rough sex
How did you feel when mom hit you? is that what made you feel unworthy -
deal with this before you are with someone who hits you to make you see your worth it and something is wrong - well that you need to deal
love you
read
run
laugh
April 4, 2006 - support from an adult
...The Gs arrived almost 2 weeks ago - they have been my saviours if youwill - they have listened - given advice - and taken me to places I needed to go mos - which has been the schools - I organized most of thir trip - set up a package for them - helped with off loading the truck and organizing boxes and then setting p packages to give to the teachers - So finaly after headaches - misdirection and confsion we set ot yesterday to visit 12 schools - everyone has brought a new smile to my face - schools that had once not had a single book - now have passing rates that have gone from 0 to 50%. They sing - and dance - and laugh - its trully why I am here - and it makes me sad that the last week I'm here - is the first time I have evperienced the real Zimbabwe - I jst hopetht perhaps my next adventure will bring with it more hands onexpriences - and that maybe one day I can create a project like the Gs - another thing that I have learned from themis how great a team a couple can be - and trully recognize the importamce of finding someone that is interested in the same things. They have travelled theorld and have given themselves wholly and together - I know that that is what I need and wan......
April 9, 2006
... Thursday night we left for the Falls - we stayed at a Lodge in Hwange that night - on our way into the park e saw giraffee - it was beautiful - - I can't believe how graceful - butit was night so we didn't take pics. Our lodge was pretty nice, the boys had cabins on stilts which was really cool. I ha my pwn lodge - I told CL and told him I wish he was there with me (on the message) it was a really romantic place - On Friday we got up at 5:30am for safari - we went for three hours and in the park we saw a herd of zebra- a couple crocs, ostrich, secretary birds - a tortoise - impala - other antelope - a kackel andlots of birds - no monkeys - no elephants - no giraffs. Then on our way out we ended up seeing a couple of families of babboons and two giraffe. They were magnificent about 15 meters from our vehicle - then after breakfast we hurried off to the falls we had missed canoeing - rafting had been cancelled - etc. So we ended up just eating lunch at the Kingdom then going to see the falls. They were so strong you could barely see anything - we ended up goingback to the hotel and had a drink - around 8 the lodge owner got a call and said that there were elephants in the neighbourhood - we left the lodge and could hear cracking down the road in the dark. The lodge manager grabbed his vehicle and when he turned the corner there were 3 huge bull elephants eating at the end of the street. ... the next morning we got up went down to town and Dan and I made a crazy decision to do the gorge swing - I cannot beleveI did it - a 70 meter free fall - very few thoughts happened - one second the guy was counting and then - there I was at the bottom of the gorge - it was stunning down there - unbelievable - so that was esentially my trip......
....M said something really moving before he left - he said "you know how we've been fighting for the kids? Now you need to go home and fight for yourself cause no one is fighting for yo - a truth I think thats hard to believe...
AJ
April 9, 2006
... Thursday night we left for the Falls - we stayed at a Lodge in Hwange that night - on our way into the park e saw giraffee - it was beautiful - - I can't believe how graceful - butit was night so we didn't take pics. Our lodge was pretty nice, the boys had cabins on stilts which was really cool. I ha my pwn lodge - I told CL and told him I wish he was there with me (on the message) it was a really romantic place - On Friday we got up at 5:30am for safari - we went for three hours and in the park we saw a herd of zebra- a couple crocs, ostrich, secretary birds - a tortoise - impala - other antelope - a kackel andlots of birds - no monkeys - no elephants - no giraffs. Then on our way out we ended up seeing a couple of families of babboons and two giraffe. They were magnificent about 15 meters from our vehicle - then after breakfast we hurried off to the falls we had missed canoeing - rafting had been cancelled - etc. So we ended up just eating lunch at the Kingdom then going to see the falls. They were so strong you could barely see anything - we ended up goingback to the hotel and had a drink - around 8 the lodge owner got a call and said that there were elephants in the neighbourhood - we left the lodge and could hear cracking down the road in the dark. The lodge manager grabbed his vehicle and when he turned the corner there were 3 huge bull elephants eating at the end of the street. ... the next morning we got up went down to town and Dan and I made a crazy decision to do the gorge swing - I cannot beleveI did it - a 70 meter free fall - very few thoughts happened - one second the guy was counting and then - there I was at the bottom of the gorge - it was stunning down there - unbelievable - so that was esentially my trip......
....M said something really moving before he left - he said "you know how we've been fighting for the kids? Now you need to go home and fight for yourself cause no one is fighting for yo - a truth I think thats hard to believe...
AJ
the first time I realized my brain told me something different from reality - March 19, 2006 (Zimbabwe) -
Well today I had a conversation with D that was very revealing in many ways, it was what I needed although now a lot has been lost in the day - alot still remains. For certain he told me that I talk a lot about CL, FH and my mother - and that it dismisses a lot of what people are saying. Also it closes the conversation and possibility. We also talked about how being vulnerable is the awkward moments in life and not necessarily those things you think you are vulnerable in. We also talked about how I always want to find the solutions to things - but the solutions take time - and if suurgery were performed right now on development - without the knowledge of how to support the system - people- the system will die.
Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.
We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.
Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L. whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.
AJ
Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.
We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.
Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L. whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.
AJ
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