So one thing that's starting to come into my consciousness is balance. the true definition of balance... and a word I heard today discernment.... I find that when analyzing myself when I find something about myself that I don't like I label it as a "flaw" I put a sticker on it and tell myself that its bad and that I have to stop behaving like that... then something will happen that will cause me to act that way, and I say to myself that it works, so I don't want to change.... what I am realizing is that this is the fundamental to balance.... really getting there must exist every reaction, every feeling inside in order to have balance.
In order to have balance you must live in the physical world, and the spiritual world, neglecting either makes you less than whole.
So we should all want to be everything. For me the ways of being that make me uncomfortable are things like liar, cunning, deceitful, angry, mean..etc. But the truth is, knowing when to be this way, knowing where the balance is, not staying too far to one way... will help life along.
Balance.
I find it really hard to change my behaviour because some of the things that I want to change are actions that embody who I am proud to be.. but I have never been able to discern when and when not to embody those characteristics. For example... caring. I never not care... I always care... mostly to my own detriment. I ALWAYS CARE.. and it is exhausting, and mind fucking... because honestly.. caring about little fucking thing that happens in your life is a full time job.. its rediculous.. but up until now I've thought that not caring about 1 thing meant I didn't care about anything.. and I never wanted to be considered a non-caring person... so... its the balance that I need to find.... I need to learn how to discern when to care and when not to care.
When to worry when not to worry
When to cry and when not to cry
When to laugh and when not to laugh
When to speak up and when to not speak up.
When to tell the truth and when not to tell the truth
When to speak and when to not
When to care and when not to care
When to appreciate and when not to appreciate
When to praise and when not to praise
When to read and when not to read
When to clean and when not to clean
When to eat and when not to eat
When to drink and when not to drink
When to exercise and when not to exercise
When to fight and when not to fight
When to sleep and when not to sleep
When to cook and when not to cook
When to wake up and when not to wake up
When to be social and then not to be social
When to be quiet and when not to be quiet
When to listen and when not to listen
When to play and when not to play
Its knowing the balance between all the "to" verbs, while BEING compassionate, LOVING, BEING aware. Its the balance.... not stopping being someway... stopping being that way at the appropriate times.
VULNERABLE. now that is a word that spooks a lot of people. I think that I have a weird association with the word vulnerable, because I was raised thinking it was a really good trait, while most people, I believe were raised to think that it was a really really bad trait... and "that's how you get hurt" as a result there's me who is always vulnerable... putting myself out there ALL THE TIME... and then you have all those other people who, no matter what you do, will NEVER be vulnerable.. its like the freaking plague... no way in FUCK, they will ever let you and your potential for them to hurt you in.
So here... we have to meet both ways... I need to learn when to be vulnerable and when not to, and protect myself, and those of you that are never vulnerable need to learn there is always a time and place where you can be.... and that's why love exists... allowing you to be that way.. you just need to know who to do it with... and that's the part about growing up... learning who to trust and who not to.... not just trusting everyone... or trusting no one.
Its the balance.... that we all need to find.. I think mine is just a little skewed the opposite way than most people...
So... Balance.
You know what's interesting... I've heard balance is the key to life in so many books, by so many people, but it wasn't until tonight that I really got what that meant to be balanced.... in every reaction, action, feeling, moment... to be balanced in life.... and that is probably one of the main reasons for alot of my struggles... because I'm too far one way.
BALANCE.
Another thing I heard today was that self discipline is one of the most blissful experiences in life. I have never thought about self discipline as being a positive emotional experience... I have always associated self discipline with doing something you don't want to do, and so am very lacking in this element..... I have never thought that self discipline will make me happier, will be soothing, and caring, and kind.... not to mention blissful... so now, maybe having a different relationship to being self disciplined... hopefully the idea that self discipline will bring bliss, will encourage me to pursue things in my life that teach me that... but again, I need to remind myself of the balance.. and still keeping room for freedom, and spontaneity
Finally my friend and I were speaking tonight and he said... "you know when you just ruin something by speaking about it? When its better just experiencing it?.. that what talking about love is like.... you just ruin it by analyzing it, and trying to explain it.... you can't, you ruin it with words".
I have ever been told this, and if I have I have aptly ignored it. I have never allowed myself to believe that speaking could ruin something.... This profoundly affected me.
I want to know how other people are feeling all the time... I'm curious about other people's motivations and their thoughts, and their interpretations.. I am constantly comparing myself with other people and trying to figure out whats normal, and what's not... how I am different, and how I can be the same... I try to explain my feelings.... and get advice and figure out what to do next.... I never just experience it... and not talk about it.... so.. I guess... unfortunately, I have to admit I have a tendency to ruin things with words. :(
It never even occured to me that this was possible.... but alas, I found out today it is.... and hopefully that will inspire me to better recognize when to talk about things, and when to not....
Ah the balance. I think the key to the balance is not changing what you do, but be inspired by doing it differently, and experimenting to find when one way works, and when doing the opposite works better.... and the more you experiment, the more you know when to behave one way and when to behave another... but this time, unlike being a child, they are not decisions to NEVER be a certain way, but rather to CHOOSE when and where and with whom to be that way.
fucking balance :P
you kill the experience with words.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Who I want to be
Obviously the past couple of weeks have had their share of experience, and realizations, but tonight I want to write down who I want to be. I've written lists of the man I want, goals, bucket lists, shopping or to do lists... but never have I written down who I want to be, what traits I admire in other people that I want to embody... and I am hoping in doing this I will start being able to look at it and have new goals in my life, and have something to compare my growth against... because right now, it seems as though I have alot in my head, but no practical way of getting there. So here goes
I want to be fit.
To be really healthy, with a body that I am proud of.
a yoga frequenter. I want to be happy
to be the kind of person that goes for a walk every morning and every night.. even if its short, just to enjoy being outside, and appreciate that time.
I want to know how to eat properly, always making meals fun and exciting for my family, but healthy and delicious.
i want to be smoke free, and besides the occasional glass of wine, alcohol free.
I want to be a camper, and know everything I need to bring, and have in order to camp.
I want to know the stars, so I can teach my kids.
I want to be able to play the guitar and the piano so I can make music with my kids. I want to be clean, I want my house to always be tidy and presentable. I want to have a wake up routine, and a going to sleep routine, to find the things that make me feel really good when I wake up, and really good before going to sleep.
I want to take photographs every where I go.
I want to be confident and proud of who I am.
I want to have confidence in myself and the choices I make,and not need to have to get everyone else' opinions when making a decision.
I want to be a volunteer, and have something where I am giving for no other reason than to give.
I want to have hobbies and have things to do that are fun... really fun.
I want to be organized and on top of things, financially. I want to write... plan things and keep track of things.
I want to moisturize every day.
I want to send thank-you notes.
I want to be confident
I want to have money to do the things I love.
I want to read before bed.
I want to know music better, and be aware of the music scene
I want to sit and read the Newspaper on Saturday mornings with a cup of tea in the kitchen.
I want to have routine, but be able to be spontaneous.
I want to be independent.
I want to put my clothes away when they are washed. I want to do the laundry more frequently.
I want to not run out of things and have the forsight to buy items before they run out.
I want to meditate frequently.
That's what I have right now. We'll see how it goes... first thing I'm feeling is coming up with an evening and morning routine, and going from there.
I want to be fit.
To be really healthy, with a body that I am proud of.
a yoga frequenter. I want to be happy
to be the kind of person that goes for a walk every morning and every night.. even if its short, just to enjoy being outside, and appreciate that time.
I want to know how to eat properly, always making meals fun and exciting for my family, but healthy and delicious.
i want to be smoke free, and besides the occasional glass of wine, alcohol free.
I want to be a camper, and know everything I need to bring, and have in order to camp.
I want to know the stars, so I can teach my kids.
I want to be able to play the guitar and the piano so I can make music with my kids. I want to be clean, I want my house to always be tidy and presentable. I want to have a wake up routine, and a going to sleep routine, to find the things that make me feel really good when I wake up, and really good before going to sleep.
I want to take photographs every where I go.
I want to be confident and proud of who I am.
I want to have confidence in myself and the choices I make,and not need to have to get everyone else' opinions when making a decision.
I want to be a volunteer, and have something where I am giving for no other reason than to give.
I want to have hobbies and have things to do that are fun... really fun.
I want to be organized and on top of things, financially. I want to write... plan things and keep track of things.
I want to moisturize every day.
I want to send thank-you notes.
I want to be confident
I want to have money to do the things I love.
I want to read before bed.
I want to know music better, and be aware of the music scene
I want to sit and read the Newspaper on Saturday mornings with a cup of tea in the kitchen.
I want to have routine, but be able to be spontaneous.
I want to be independent.
I want to put my clothes away when they are washed. I want to do the laundry more frequently.
I want to not run out of things and have the forsight to buy items before they run out.
I want to meditate frequently.
That's what I have right now. We'll see how it goes... first thing I'm feeling is coming up with an evening and morning routine, and going from there.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas thoughts
today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.
My step father didn't call me today. For the first time in my life.
I didn't really know what I was going to do if he did... because I felt like our relationship had completely disintegrated... and I was finally trying to accept what it is... but I think it surprised me that he didn't. I guess I just feel like he has no reason to hate me that much. I've never done anything to make him hate me.
Never-the-less... whatever he thinks, he thinks... and I can't fight anymore.
I was not sad today. I was neutral. Completely neutral. and here I sit, at the end of the day... pondering. I've been watching a lot of movies this week and observing the characters in each, the different personas each character takes on... and the stories each tells.
It has had me looking at the things I don't understand about people... and myself. I would consider myself someone that always wants to know about how people think... why they think the way they do... what propels them, what shapes them, what makes them think the way they do.
Its amazing how we miscommunicate with everyone.... always the other person hears something different... all we can hope for is they get our intention... at the very least.
Tonight I watched a movie called The secret in which a daughter and her mother get into a car accident and the mother's spirit finds her way into the daughters body.. and learns about her daughters life. After a movie I tend to step back and ponder its meaning.... and this time a very strange thing happened.
I felt like I haven't been myself for years. Like I got lost somewhere... completely desensitized myself, and lost my passion.
I feel like I'm me... but for the recent past I am struggling with who that is. I am in the proccess of saying good bye to my youth. and its sad.. and scary. But at the same time its exciting because in a weird way growing past this point in my life is embracing the person I was before the world got hold of me... and made me into something I am not.
When I was young I hate smoking, in fact I was hell bent on never doing that.. and then something changed... I was lonely and I felt like that was the way I could relate... and somewhere I started identifying with smoking... and started feeling like I couldn't handle life without it.
When I was younger I was an artist... I wrote poetry.. I made things all the time. and in a weird way I know that in order to move into the new stage of my life I need to embrace those parts of me that have been buried for so long, the parts of me I was scared to show.... they are still hiding deep inside me.. waiting til its safe.
As for the dating thing.. I feel like I am a fish out of water... i know that I haven't learned about dating.. and its a learning process... but I just feel crazy. This whole thing with Nick is crazy... I feel so out of my element... and then I do crazy things... and I can't temper myself.. I get obsessive... and hung up on things... its crazy. Why can't I just let things be? why do I have to compartmentalize everything... and control everything? Why I can't just let things be?
I am so scared of falling into the same relationship I had with my ex.... that I don't want to not listen to my intuition.. but when do you know when its your intuition and when do you know its your insecurities?Its difficult to look at behaviour and not take it personally.. but rather look at it with an objective eye and say.. yes I want this.. no I don't want that... this I can live with... this I can't.... and when it becomes all about how I feel.. things get confusing... and dramatic. So how do you maintain balance? between being still engaged... but not having your emotions control your behaviour I had such clarity last night... and yet here I am today wondering if perhaps I am just not giving him enough credit. What I know is I care too much what other people think of me.. and I don't know how to change it... because I will never be at a place I want if I continue sanitizing who I am in order to apeal to a false sense of qualities someone else wants in me.
Its fucking crazy.... the other thing I realize is that I look at the world in many situations in black and white.... but so much is gray.. SOOOOO MUCH... take my personality for instance... if one thing isn't working I think... that everything must not be working... and its taken until recently for me to realize that in fact I am an awesome person with a lot going for her... its just a few things that need tweaking.
I don't have enough going on in my life.... so I obsess over guys. I need more to entertain me... I need a freaking life. but who is that? what does that look like?
I feel like a freaking teenager again... so confused about who I am and what I want, where I want to go... how to handle life... I feel blind.
Despite this feeling of confusion... I am pretty satisfied. I am not pitying myself.. I just have wide eyes for the future. wondering whats going to happen.
Finally accepting the death of my mother in its entirety. I was ok today. In fact I had a lovely day. I was happy... and felt loved. No feeling sorry for myself.
today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.
My step father didn't call me today. For the first time in my life.
I didn't really know what I was going to do if he did... because I felt like our relationship had completely disintegrated... and I was finally trying to accept what it is... but I think it surprised me that he didn't. I guess I just feel like he has no reason to hate me that much. I've never done anything to make him hate me.
Never-the-less... whatever he thinks, he thinks... and I can't fight anymore.
I was not sad today. I was neutral. Completely neutral. and here I sit, at the end of the day... pondering. I've been watching a lot of movies this week and observing the characters in each, the different personas each character takes on... and the stories each tells.
It has had me looking at the things I don't understand about people... and myself. I would consider myself someone that always wants to know about how people think... why they think the way they do... what propels them, what shapes them, what makes them think the way they do.
Its amazing how we miscommunicate with everyone.... always the other person hears something different... all we can hope for is they get our intention... at the very least.
Tonight I watched a movie called The secret in which a daughter and her mother get into a car accident and the mother's spirit finds her way into the daughters body.. and learns about her daughters life. After a movie I tend to step back and ponder its meaning.... and this time a very strange thing happened.
I felt like I haven't been myself for years. Like I got lost somewhere... completely desensitized myself, and lost my passion.
I feel like I'm me... but for the recent past I am struggling with who that is. I am in the proccess of saying good bye to my youth. and its sad.. and scary. But at the same time its exciting because in a weird way growing past this point in my life is embracing the person I was before the world got hold of me... and made me into something I am not.
When I was young I hate smoking, in fact I was hell bent on never doing that.. and then something changed... I was lonely and I felt like that was the way I could relate... and somewhere I started identifying with smoking... and started feeling like I couldn't handle life without it.
When I was younger I was an artist... I wrote poetry.. I made things all the time. and in a weird way I know that in order to move into the new stage of my life I need to embrace those parts of me that have been buried for so long, the parts of me I was scared to show.... they are still hiding deep inside me.. waiting til its safe.
As for the dating thing.. I feel like I am a fish out of water... i know that I haven't learned about dating.. and its a learning process... but I just feel crazy. This whole thing with Nick is crazy... I feel so out of my element... and then I do crazy things... and I can't temper myself.. I get obsessive... and hung up on things... its crazy. Why can't I just let things be? why do I have to compartmentalize everything... and control everything? Why I can't just let things be?
I am so scared of falling into the same relationship I had with my ex.... that I don't want to not listen to my intuition.. but when do you know when its your intuition and when do you know its your insecurities?Its difficult to look at behaviour and not take it personally.. but rather look at it with an objective eye and say.. yes I want this.. no I don't want that... this I can live with... this I can't.... and when it becomes all about how I feel.. things get confusing... and dramatic. So how do you maintain balance? between being still engaged... but not having your emotions control your behaviour I had such clarity last night... and yet here I am today wondering if perhaps I am just not giving him enough credit. What I know is I care too much what other people think of me.. and I don't know how to change it... because I will never be at a place I want if I continue sanitizing who I am in order to apeal to a false sense of qualities someone else wants in me.
Its fucking crazy.... the other thing I realize is that I look at the world in many situations in black and white.... but so much is gray.. SOOOOO MUCH... take my personality for instance... if one thing isn't working I think... that everything must not be working... and its taken until recently for me to realize that in fact I am an awesome person with a lot going for her... its just a few things that need tweaking.
I don't have enough going on in my life.... so I obsess over guys. I need more to entertain me... I need a freaking life. but who is that? what does that look like?
I feel like a freaking teenager again... so confused about who I am and what I want, where I want to go... how to handle life... I feel blind.
Despite this feeling of confusion... I am pretty satisfied. I am not pitying myself.. I just have wide eyes for the future. wondering whats going to happen.
Finally accepting the death of my mother in its entirety. I was ok today. In fact I had a lovely day. I was happy... and felt loved. No feeling sorry for myself.
today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas.
Oh Christmas... the holiday every year that reminds me how alone I am in the world.... well... I guess that's what it has felt like every year since my mother died.
Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.
The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.
It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.
Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.
Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.
The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!" the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....
Who knew?
There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.
You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go.
Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.
The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.
It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.
Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.
Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.
The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!" the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....
Who knew?
There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.
You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go.
What I would say if I could.
I would say to the guy I'm dating... if I ever had the opportunity... "no thank - you, I'm not interested."
and if he had the decency to ask why I would say...
"Well apparently you've been hanging out with my ratarded self.... the one who thought your behaviour was excusable... you stood me up twice in a week.. TWICE. you made me sit around for you all day... for no fucking reason. yes you apologized... and maybe apologies have worked in the past... but this is bullshit. You made me feel like complete shit.... and for some moronic reason I convinced myself that you were better than me.. you were better at this whole dating thing.. that you have it all together and I'm a retard... but no... really? you are an ass hole. and I'm an idiot for not seeing it the first day.
I like myself better than that.... than to be with a guy that makes her feel like shit. I hope I never find myself even attracted to ass holes like you...so no thank-you.. I'm not interested in seeing you again. .. I'll let you date girls who need you to treat them like shit. .... but I'm not that girl anymore. .."
A
and if he had the decency to ask why I would say...
"Well apparently you've been hanging out with my ratarded self.... the one who thought your behaviour was excusable... you stood me up twice in a week.. TWICE. you made me sit around for you all day... for no fucking reason. yes you apologized... and maybe apologies have worked in the past... but this is bullshit. You made me feel like complete shit.... and for some moronic reason I convinced myself that you were better than me.. you were better at this whole dating thing.. that you have it all together and I'm a retard... but no... really? you are an ass hole. and I'm an idiot for not seeing it the first day.
I like myself better than that.... than to be with a guy that makes her feel like shit. I hope I never find myself even attracted to ass holes like you...so no thank-you.. I'm not interested in seeing you again. .. I'll let you date girls who need you to treat them like shit. .... but I'm not that girl anymore. .."
A
revelation.
My room mate is going through a crisis of sorts and came up to my room for some advice.
I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.
So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.
I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.
I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.
And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???
So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.
I can trust myself.
I know.
One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.
And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....
and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.
so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.
I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.
So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.
I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.
I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.
And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???
So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.
I can trust myself.
I know.
One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.
And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....
and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.
so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
what i need/ who I am/what I want.
So I think that most of us have no idea what we want, who we are and what we need... so I've decided that in hopes of answering these questions I am going to start recording what I think I need... with no judgement.
So... this list might be short to begin with.. but I'm going to try to add to it, every time I think of a new thing that I have discovered about myself.
So first thing is that I never know what you are thinking... so I come up with a thousand and one explanations and usually its so far off... so I need to know what you are thinking.. what your motivations are... I need you to explain yourself.. not because I want to judge you or argue with you.. simply because I want to knoww what causes you to do the things you do.
What else. I need you to ask me how things occur for me.. so I can explain myself.. because sometimes what I do may not portray what you think it should... because I think differently...
So if you don't call for a couple of days I am going to start thinking I did something wrong... no matter how the last time I saw you ended... I'm going to come up with 100 reasons why you don't like me anymore.
I need someone to do nice, sweet things for me.... I experience that as caring.
I need you to be enthusiastic about the things that I am enthusiastic about... I want you to be as excited about stupid shit as I am... and not be embarrassed about it.
I need you to be able to spend hours just touching each other... no sex. just touch.. soft, unending touch.
I need you to ask me about me.. I want you to be interested in me... and show me that you really want to get to know me more.
ok that's what I have right now.
So... this list might be short to begin with.. but I'm going to try to add to it, every time I think of a new thing that I have discovered about myself.
So first thing is that I never know what you are thinking... so I come up with a thousand and one explanations and usually its so far off... so I need to know what you are thinking.. what your motivations are... I need you to explain yourself.. not because I want to judge you or argue with you.. simply because I want to knoww what causes you to do the things you do.
What else. I need you to ask me how things occur for me.. so I can explain myself.. because sometimes what I do may not portray what you think it should... because I think differently...
So if you don't call for a couple of days I am going to start thinking I did something wrong... no matter how the last time I saw you ended... I'm going to come up with 100 reasons why you don't like me anymore.
I need someone to do nice, sweet things for me.... I experience that as caring.
I need you to be enthusiastic about the things that I am enthusiastic about... I want you to be as excited about stupid shit as I am... and not be embarrassed about it.
I need you to be able to spend hours just touching each other... no sex. just touch.. soft, unending touch.
I need you to ask me about me.. I want you to be interested in me... and show me that you really want to get to know me more.
ok that's what I have right now.
dating.. again.
So I forgot to fill you in on what's happened recently with N.
Alright, so we went on the 2 dates last week... and they were great... I'm not sure if I mentioned the really awkward kiss at the end of date 2... anyways, it was half hug, half kiss.. totally my fault... lol..so I put him in charge of kissing from now on.
So we ended up texting all week. We talked about seeing each other on Saturday night but I was at family's so we planned a bowling date on Sunday. Anyways... long long story short... we talked at 1pm, and by 7pm he still hadn't shown...
which upset me exponentially.
He ended up texting me about 7:30 and told me that he had slept all day. We had a conversation over text message...he appologized, I accepted his appology. But then things were different...
Finally on Tuesday something happened via text message that got us laughing... and finally I felt like there was a space for us to enjoy ourselves again.... a break in the seriousness of it all.... So he came over on Tuesday night... we got high, watched a documentary on Weed, and ate chinese. It was nice, but I definitely didn't get any vibe that he was interested in me in any other capacity besides friends...
and then at the end when I was saying good bye he kissed me. For the first time in my life someone I like kissed me when I didn't expect it. I can barely remember it... it was so quick, and I was soo surprised.
and although that made me really happy.
We haven't talked or texted since... and so for some reason I think its over... perhaps I kissed poorly??
anyways, that's the most recent drama. Fuck, if only I didn't buy so easily into having drama in my life.... maybe I wouldn't get so worked up about this shit!!!
lol
Alright, so we went on the 2 dates last week... and they were great... I'm not sure if I mentioned the really awkward kiss at the end of date 2... anyways, it was half hug, half kiss.. totally my fault... lol..so I put him in charge of kissing from now on.
So we ended up texting all week. We talked about seeing each other on Saturday night but I was at family's so we planned a bowling date on Sunday. Anyways... long long story short... we talked at 1pm, and by 7pm he still hadn't shown...
which upset me exponentially.
He ended up texting me about 7:30 and told me that he had slept all day. We had a conversation over text message...he appologized, I accepted his appology. But then things were different...
Finally on Tuesday something happened via text message that got us laughing... and finally I felt like there was a space for us to enjoy ourselves again.... a break in the seriousness of it all.... So he came over on Tuesday night... we got high, watched a documentary on Weed, and ate chinese. It was nice, but I definitely didn't get any vibe that he was interested in me in any other capacity besides friends...
and then at the end when I was saying good bye he kissed me. For the first time in my life someone I like kissed me when I didn't expect it. I can barely remember it... it was so quick, and I was soo surprised.
and although that made me really happy.
We haven't talked or texted since... and so for some reason I think its over... perhaps I kissed poorly??
anyways, that's the most recent drama. Fuck, if only I didn't buy so easily into having drama in my life.... maybe I wouldn't get so worked up about this shit!!!
lol
the newest personal realization....
So.. I'll fill you in on what happened with the whole drama around my ex.
I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..
so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...
Its interesting this whole growing up thing...
I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.
I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.
I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.
In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.
I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...
But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.
So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.
I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...
I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...
I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.
I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..
So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.
I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.
OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.
So that's my piece for today.
Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....
It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.
I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..
so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...
Its interesting this whole growing up thing...
I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.
I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.
I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.
In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.
I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...
But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.
So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.
I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...
I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...
I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.
I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..
So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.
I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.
OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.
So that's my piece for today.
Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....
It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
finding fun...
So I'll tell you what happened with my ex just after I share what brought me here in the first place.
Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?
Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....
I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?
It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games.... and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling.
So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.
Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.
So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????
Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)
Dancing was my life...
and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.
At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???
Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...
as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.
So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....
fingers are crossed.
A
Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?
Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....
I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?
It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games.... and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling.
So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.
Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.
So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????
Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)
Dancing was my life...
and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.
At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???
Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...
as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.
So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....
fingers are crossed.
A
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