Balance

So one thing that's starting to come into my consciousness is balance. the true definition of balance... and a word I heard today discernment.... I find that when analyzing myself when I find something about myself that I don't like I label it as a "flaw" I put a sticker on it and tell myself that its bad and that I have to stop behaving like that... then something will happen that will cause me to act that way, and I say to myself that it works, so I don't want to change.... what I am realizing is that this is the fundamental to balance.... really getting there must exist every reaction, every feeling inside in order to have balance.

In order to have balance you must live in the physical world, and the spiritual world, neglecting either makes you less than whole.

So we should all want to be everything. For me the ways of being that make me uncomfortable are things like liar, cunning, deceitful, angry, mean..etc. But the truth is, knowing when to be this way, knowing where the balance is, not staying too far to one way... will help life along.

Balance.

I find it really hard to change my behaviour because some of the things that I want to change are actions that embody who I am proud to be.. but I have never been able to discern when and when not to embody those characteristics. For example... caring. I never not care... I always care... mostly to my own detriment. I ALWAYS CARE.. and it is exhausting, and mind fucking... because honestly.. caring about little fucking thing that happens in your life is a full time job.. its rediculous.. but up until now I've thought that not caring about 1 thing meant I didn't care about anything.. and I never wanted to be considered a non-caring person... so... its the balance that I need to find.... I need to learn how to discern when to care and when not to care.

When to worry when not to worry
When to cry and when not to cry
When to laugh and when not to laugh
When to speak up and when to not speak up.
When to tell the truth and when not to tell the truth
When to speak and when to not
When to care and when not to care
When to appreciate and when not to appreciate
When to praise and when not to praise
When to read and when not to read
When to clean and when not to clean
When to eat and when not to eat
When to drink and when not to drink
When to exercise and when not to exercise
When to fight and when not to fight
When to sleep and when not to sleep
When to cook and when not to cook
When to wake up and when not to wake up
When to be social and then not to be social
When to be quiet and when not to be quiet
When to listen and when not to listen
When to play and when not to play

Its knowing the balance between all the "to" verbs, while BEING compassionate, LOVING, BEING aware. Its the balance.... not stopping being someway... stopping being that way at the appropriate times.

VULNERABLE. now that is a word that spooks a lot of people. I think that I have a weird association with the word vulnerable, because I was raised thinking it was a really good trait, while most people, I believe were raised to think that it was a really really bad trait... and "that's how you get hurt" as a result there's me who is always vulnerable... putting myself out there ALL THE TIME... and then you have all those other people who, no matter what you do, will NEVER be vulnerable.. its like the freaking plague... no way in FUCK, they will ever let you and your potential for them to hurt you in.

So here... we have to meet both ways... I need to learn when to be vulnerable and when not to, and protect myself, and those of you that are never vulnerable need to learn there is always a time and place where you can be.... and that's why love exists... allowing you to be that way.. you just need to know who to do it with... and that's the part about growing up... learning who to trust and who not to.... not just trusting everyone... or trusting no one.


Its the balance.... that we all need to find.. I think mine is just a little skewed the opposite way than most people...

So... Balance.

You know what's interesting... I've heard balance is the key to life in so many books, by so many people, but it wasn't until tonight that I really got what that meant to be balanced.... in every reaction, action, feeling, moment... to be balanced in life.... and that is probably one of the main reasons for alot of my struggles... because I'm too far one way.

BALANCE.

Another thing I heard today was that self discipline is one of the most blissful experiences in life. I have never thought about self discipline as being a positive emotional experience... I have always associated self discipline with doing something you don't want to do, and so am very lacking in this element..... I have never thought that self discipline will make me happier, will be soothing, and caring, and kind.... not to mention blissful... so now, maybe having  a different relationship to being self disciplined... hopefully the idea that self discipline will bring bliss, will encourage me to pursue things in my life that teach me that... but again, I need to remind myself of the balance.. and still keeping room for freedom, and spontaneity

Finally my friend and I were speaking tonight and he said... "you know when you just ruin something by speaking about it? When its better just experiencing it?.. that what talking about love is like.... you just ruin it by analyzing it, and trying to explain it.... you can't, you ruin it with words".

I have ever been told this, and if I have I have aptly ignored it. I have never allowed myself to believe that speaking could ruin something.... This profoundly affected me.

I want to know how other people are feeling all the time... I'm curious about other people's motivations and their thoughts, and their interpretations.. I am constantly comparing myself with other people and trying to figure out whats normal, and what's not... how I am different, and how I can be the same... I try to explain my feelings.... and get advice and figure out what to do next.... I never just experience it... and not talk about it.... so.. I guess... unfortunately, I have to admit I have a tendency to ruin things with words. :(

It never even occured to me that this was possible.... but alas, I found out today it is.... and hopefully that will inspire me to better recognize when to talk about things, and when to not....

Ah the balance. I think the key to the balance is not changing what you do, but be inspired by doing it differently, and experimenting to find when one way works, and when doing the opposite works better.... and the more you experiment, the more you know when to behave one way and when to behave another... but this time, unlike being a child, they are not decisions to NEVER be a certain way, but rather to CHOOSE when and where and with whom to be that way.

fucking balance :P






you kill the experience with words.