Christmas thoughts

today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.

My step father didn't call me today. For the first time in my life.

I didn't really know what I was going to do if he did... because I felt like our relationship had completely disintegrated... and I was finally trying to accept what it is... but I think it surprised me that he didn't. I guess I just feel like he has no reason to hate me that much. I've never done anything to make him hate me.


Never-the-less... whatever he thinks, he thinks... and I can't fight anymore.


I was not sad today. I was neutral. Completely neutral. and here I sit, at the end of the day... pondering. I've been watching a lot of movies this week and observing the characters in each, the different personas each character takes on... and the stories each tells.

It has had me looking at the things I don't understand about people... and myself. I would consider myself someone that always wants to know about how people think... why they think the way they do... what propels them, what shapes them, what makes them think the way they do.


Its amazing how we miscommunicate with everyone.... always the other person hears something different... all we can hope for is they get our intention... at the very least.


Tonight I watched a movie called The secret in which a daughter and her mother get into a car accident and the mother's spirit finds her way into the daughters body.. and learns about her daughters life. After a movie I tend to step back and ponder its meaning.... and this time a very strange thing happened.


I felt like I haven't been myself for years. Like I got lost somewhere... completely desensitized myself, and lost my passion.


I feel like I'm me... but for the recent past I am struggling with who that is. I am in the proccess of saying good bye to my youth. and its sad.. and scary. But at the same time its exciting because in a weird way growing past this point in my life is embracing the person I was before the world got hold of me... and made me into something I am not.


When I was young I hate smoking, in fact I was hell bent on never doing that.. and then something changed... I was lonely and I felt like that was the way I could relate... and somewhere I started identifying with smoking... and started feeling like I couldn't handle life without it.


When I was younger I was an artist... I wrote poetry.. I made things all the time. and in a weird way I know that in order to move into the new stage of my life I need to embrace those parts of me that have been buried for so long, the parts of me I was scared to show.... they are still hiding deep inside me.. waiting til its safe.


As for the dating thing.. I feel like I am a fish out of water... i know that I haven't learned about dating.. and its a learning process... but I just feel crazy. This whole thing with Nick is crazy... I feel so out of my element... and then I do crazy things... and I can't temper myself.. I get obsessive... and hung up on things... its crazy. Why can't I just let things be? why do I have to compartmentalize everything... and control everything? Why I can't just let things be?


I am so scared of falling into the same relationship I had with my ex.... that I don't want to not listen to my intuition.. but when do you know when its your intuition and when do you know its your insecurities?Its difficult to look at behaviour and not take it personally.. but rather look at it with an objective eye and say.. yes I want this.. no I don't want that... this I can  live with... this I can't.... and when it becomes all about how I feel.. things get confusing... and dramatic. So how do you maintain balance? between being still engaged... but not having your emotions control your behaviour I had such clarity last night... and yet here I am today wondering if perhaps I am just not giving him enough credit. What I know is I care too much what other people think of me.. and I don't know how to change it... because I will never be at a place I want if I continue sanitizing who I am in order to apeal to a false sense of qualities someone else wants in me.


Its fucking crazy.... the other thing I realize is that I look at the world in many situations in black and white.... but so much is gray.. SOOOOO MUCH... take my personality for instance... if one thing isn't working I think... that everything must not be working... and its taken until recently for me to realize that in fact I am an awesome person with a lot going for her... its just a few things that need tweaking.


I don't have enough going on in my life.... so I obsess over guys. I need more to entertain me... I need a freaking life. but who is that? what does that look like?


I feel like a freaking teenager again... so confused about who I am and what I want, where I want to go... how to handle life... I feel blind.

Despite this feeling of confusion... I am pretty satisfied. I am not pitying myself.. I just have wide eyes for the future. wondering whats going to happen.

Finally accepting the death of my mother in its entirety. I was ok today. In fact I had a lovely day. I was happy... and felt loved. No feeling sorry for myself.


today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.

Christmas.

Oh Christmas... the holiday every year that reminds me how alone I am in the world.... well... I guess that's what it has felt like every year since my mother died.

Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.

The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.

It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.

Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.

Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.

The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!"  the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....

Who knew?

There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.

You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go. 

What I would say if I could.

I would say to the guy I'm dating... if I ever had the opportunity... "no thank - you, I'm not interested."
and if he had the decency to ask why I would say...

"Well apparently you've been hanging out with my ratarded self.... the one who thought your behaviour was excusable... you stood me up twice in a week.. TWICE. you made me sit around for you all day... for no fucking reason. yes you apologized... and maybe apologies have worked in the past... but this is bullshit. You made me feel like complete shit.... and for some moronic reason I convinced myself that you were better than me.. you were better at this whole dating thing.. that you have it all together and I'm a retard... but no... really? you are an ass hole. and I'm an idiot for not seeing it the first day.

I like myself better than that.... than to be with a guy that makes her feel like shit. I hope I never find myself even attracted to ass holes like you...so no thank-you.. I'm not interested in seeing you again. .. I'll let you date girls who need you to treat them like shit. .... but I'm not that girl anymore. .."

A

revelation.

My room mate is going through a crisis of sorts and came up to my room for some advice.

I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.

So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.

I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.

I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.

And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???

So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.

I can trust myself.
I know.


One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.

And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....

and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.

so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.

what i need/ who I am/what I want.

So I think that most of us have no idea what we want, who we are and what we need... so I've decided that in hopes of answering these questions I am going to start recording what I think I need... with no judgement.

So... this list might be short to begin with.. but I'm going to try to add to it, every time I think of a new thing that I have discovered about myself.

So first thing is that I never know what you are thinking... so I come up with a thousand and one explanations and usually its so far off... so I need to know what you are thinking.. what your motivations are... I need you to explain yourself.. not because I want to judge you or argue with you.. simply because I want to knoww what causes you to do the things you do.

What else. I need you to ask me how things occur for me.. so I can explain myself.. because sometimes what I do may not portray what you think it should... because I think differently...

So if you don't call for a couple of days I am going to start thinking I did something wrong... no matter how the last time I saw you ended... I'm going to come up with 100 reasons why you don't like me anymore.

I need someone to do nice, sweet things for me.... I experience that as caring.

I need you to be enthusiastic about the things that I am enthusiastic about... I want you to be as excited about stupid shit as I am... and not be embarrassed about it.

I need you to be able to spend hours just touching each other... no sex. just touch.. soft, unending touch.

I need you to ask me about me.. I want you to be interested in me... and show me that you really want to get to know me more.

ok that's what I have right now.

dating.. again.

So I forgot to fill you in on what's happened recently with N.

Alright, so we went on the 2 dates last week... and they were great... I'm not sure if I mentioned the really awkward kiss at the end of date 2... anyways, it was half hug, half kiss.. totally my fault... lol..so I put him in charge of kissing from now on.

So we ended up texting all week. We talked about seeing each other on Saturday night but I was at family's so we planned a bowling date on Sunday. Anyways... long long story short... we talked at 1pm, and by 7pm he still hadn't shown...

which upset me exponentially.

He ended up texting me about 7:30 and told me that he had slept all day. We had a conversation over text message...he appologized, I accepted his appology. But then things were different...

Finally on Tuesday something happened via text message that got us laughing... and finally I felt like there was a space for us to enjoy ourselves again.... a break in the seriousness of it all.... So he came over on Tuesday night... we got high, watched a documentary on Weed, and ate chinese. It was nice, but I definitely didn't get any vibe that he was interested in me in any other capacity besides friends...

and then at the end when I was saying good bye he kissed me. For the first time in my life someone I like kissed me when I didn't expect it. I can barely remember it... it was so quick, and I was soo surprised.

and although that made me really happy.

We haven't talked or texted since... and so for some reason I think its over... perhaps I kissed poorly??

anyways, that's the most recent drama. Fuck, if only I didn't buy so easily into having drama in my life.... maybe I wouldn't get so worked up about this shit!!!

lol

the newest personal realization....

So.. I'll fill you in on what happened with the whole drama around my ex.

I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..

so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...

Its interesting this whole growing up thing...

I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.

I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.

I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.

In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.

I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...

But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.

So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.

I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the  information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...

I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...

I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.

I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..

So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.

I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.

OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.

So that's my piece for today.

Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....

It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.

finding fun...

So I'll tell you what happened  with my ex just after I share what brought me here in the first place.

Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?

Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....

I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?

It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games....  and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling. 

So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.

Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.

So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????

Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)

Dancing was my life...

and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.

At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???

Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...

as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.

So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....

fingers are crossed.
A

day 74 - moral dillemma

I have just discovered that my ex has been in a relationship for years... and I believe that he's therefore cheated on her with me. It has sent my brain whirling... being a relatively moral person I feel obligated to tell her... and then part of me says its none of my business.... but if only the girls that he cheated on me with had the moral sense to tell me.... would I have been less apt to subject myself to so long with being in that relationship?

I have no idea what to do. I don't like fucking with other people's lives... but then again, is it fucking with her life more by not telling her?

I have no idea.

Day 71.... I met a man

So the past couple weeks have been interesting. I've gone through a total change, a breakdown, a relapse, a couple of dates... exams... its been an interesting couple of weeks.

So 2 weeks ago, was the last week of school.... on Thursday I went out with a couple of friends... and proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. I had sooo much fun. At one point there was this guy that I thought was attractive... and eventually he was dancing behind me.... I forced myself to keep to myself and then he shuffled over to this girl a few steps away. I watched them, and he was sooo drunk and was dancing with her... hadn't even seen her face, and I watched as he waited for her to look up to make sre she was attractive enough. It was weird getting that interpretation.. and realizing I've totally been that girl... thinking that the guy liked me, or was attracted to me.. and really he was just hoping I was attractive enough. It was a weird recognization.

At one point I leaned over to my friend and asked if I could go home with her.... and she said it would be my honour!!

So I hung out with her and her friends and we had an awesome end to the night.

At one point the four of us girls were talking and we realized that all of us were from single mothers. More interesting though 2 of them had older brothers and the other girl and I didn't. The other 2 girls were pretty grounded when it came to men, and the 2 of us were not.... so that's interesting.

Anyways, on Saturday I ended up meeting up going out with people from work and ran into friends at the bar, and had another great night... alot of random things happened that night... but at the end of the night I was stoned, drunk and lonely and I was texting this guy that I used to hang out with and we've made out a few times.... he asked if I was coming over and I told him that what I was looking for wasn't what he was looking for.... all I was looking for was cuddling and nothing else could happen. He said that was fine...

so I went over and wee watched the  end of some movie and chatted a little.... and then he started touching me.... and it felt sooo damn good....

So many thoughts were running through my head, my body had been craving being held, being touched... so I was caught up for a few moments... I even got caught up enough to start touching him... then I realized how much I would hate myself in the morning if I continued... and I stopped....

It's weird looking back on it.... because he's your typical "oh come on, it's not that big a deal.." kind of guy... and that's totally what I fall for... so saying no... and stopping things was pretty hard, but felt so good when I did it.... in the morning he abruptly kicked me out of his bed... I left, and as I walked home I realized that for some reason I needed to be reminded of what my old life was like... and choose not to do that to myself again... with a man, that I knew wouldn't push things too much.... so I walked away... hoping that I had learned the lesson.

That Sunday night was our staff party... and I didn't drink much until the very end of the night.. and ate a piece of weed shortbread and I got completely fucked.

I had alot of fun with these girls and then somehow this guy Kris walked me home at the end of the night... not sure how we started to chat... but anyways... it was snowing and I was acting like a fool.... I laid down in the middle of the road and made a snow angel....

We got back here and we hung out for a bit, but I wouldn't let him touch me... we just talked, and sseeing as how intoxicated I got I started to tell him about my fucked-up-ness around guys.. and we just talked about that for a while... the next day we talked some more and he ended up taking me for pizza... but he mentioned to me that he doesn't have feelings and doesn't believe in love and I made it clear that I would not date him then...

The second he told me that I thought... there's no way that I would ever do that to myself again... with C. he told me he didn't have emotions in the first couple of weeks, and I thought I could fix him, show him... ya right!!! people know themselves better than you.. and if they say that RUN..... they are uuuuber broken, and there's no fixing themselves but themselves!

On Tuesday I was pretty confused about everthing.. it was alot of drama in a short amount of time and I couldn't really process it all... I had my therapy session, and because of how confused I was, she picked up on that and talked to me about drinking... and told me that I really need to stop drinking... she was pretty hard on me... which I know I need. So everyday since then I have thought about what she said.. I have asked myself what happened, and if I can actually quit drinking entirely. I think I am at the point where I totally agree with her that I need to quit, just beause of the effects it has on my body and my energy.. but I don't have a strong enough foundation to completely erraicate that from my entire social life... so my decision is to not quit drinking yet.... I promised myself I would start going swimming and yoga again once school was done... start cooking healthier.. and I think I want to learn how to curl! but we'll see... then eventually the drinking... but not yet.

So onto the biggest news.... the man. So I have no idea where this is going to go, but I need to share it.

about 3 weeks ago?? I stopped into one of the bars downtown for last call, and I saw these three guys standing at the end of the bar... all three of them were attractive, but one of them caught my eye.... but that was it.

The next morning I woke up and there was a message from this guy on pof.com and it just said that he had read my profile but hadn't looked at my pics yet and wanted to get to know me.... anyways... when I talked to him I reallized that it may have been the same guy that I had seen the night before.

Anyways we started chatting via text.. and have spent the past 3 weeks chatting... we were supposed to go for coffee last week, but he was sick and then he suggested coffee on Friday.

We talked on Thrusday and then I wrote him a couple texts that night and I didn't get a response. The next day I wrote him in the morning and called.. and nothing. finally I wrote "just wondering what time we were getting together today." and still nothing... long story short I spent the whole day obsessing... I totally felt rejected, Like I had done something wrong... it took everything in my power not to write him any more... things to write him that popped into my head were things like

"what did I do wrong?"
"I don't know what changed your mind but is there anything that I can do to fix it?"
"fuck you."
"atleast you could have fucking written me and told me you were going to stand me up!"

lol... but I didn't.

The next morning I wrote again and just said "how are you doing" and again no response... I can't tell you how disappointed I was, we had been talking for three weeks and I felt like we could really get along.... I really was obsessing and taking it very personally... trying to pep talk myself .. I was saying things to myself like"whatever you are better than this!, why worry, obviosly he isn't the greatest guy... better to know now.. etc." but that didn't help... and then on my way to work I asked myself, what the hell was I doing, WHY was I behaving this way... and I realized "this is what it looks like when you are being dramatic! you are totally making a big deal out of nothing, for no reason than to have drama!"

I had realized I was dramatic a while ago now... but to actually catch yourself behaving that way is a whole other thing.... once I realized that.. I was fine.

The next day he ended up texting me and appologizing for not getting back to me... that he had left his phone in his friend's car... I didn't know what to say... I wanted to stand up for myself, but then again I was sper happy that he wrote me, and that it wasn't anything I did or said.

so I told him that I totally felt stood up and disappointed on Friday. He appologized again and I said.. thanks for appologizing. I accept it.

and we spent the day again texting. This time I decided that I would be up for dinner, not just coffee.

So we met last night... although he was 30minutes late... lol...

We had just an awesome night chilling out and chatting, we went for sushi and he had never tried it and totally was willing to try, I taught him how to use chopsticks.. and told him if he gets nothing out of this date, he'll atleast learn how to use chopsticks and always rememebr the girl who taught him!!!

We went for a beer after, and then I asked if he'd walk me to the bus... on our way over he said "it's soo cold, I think I'll come with you and take a cab from your place."

I sort of liked that he was inviting himself over.. but also was a little worried that things were going to lead further and I was a little concerned... anyways, we got home. I made tea for me and coffee for him, and we chatted some more.. spent the night watching funny youtube videos and talking.

It started getting super late, and I started worrying about him, but had to tell myself "he's an adult, he can take care of himself, if he wants to leave he can.... you have no responsibility for him having to get up in the morning. " at the same time, I had promised myself he wouldn't sleep over.

So finally he called a cab, and we went for a smoke on the back patio. When he went to leave he hugged me and pulled away and said "out of respect for you, I don't kiss girls on the first date... I know its weird, but its to prove that I'm not expecting anything." I pulled away and said "that's awesome... I like that!!!" and said good night.

I was sooo giddy when I came inside... and promised myself I wouldn't text him right away.. and he totally texted me and thanked me for a great night and told me he totally felt like he could just be himself around me and it didn't feel like we just met.... and then he invited me over to watch movies tonight!!!

I can't even tell you how happy I am.... so there... things are changing!!!!

Day 60

In the past 15 days, my 28th birthday arrived, and went. I have started to accept the fact that I cannot pay, nor expect anyone else to pay for my post graduate education, and have started to humour a new plan. One in which I become a nurse. Something that frightens me... and so I know its right.

The idea of always having a job, making sure my foundation is secure and strong.... something I have never had before... and then down the road I will go to school to be a Naturopathic Doctor, when I know that I will be able to succeed, and support myself.

I have recognized the fact that I have spent my life hoping that someone will come and save me, and now I am accepting that I need to take care of myself. I need to be my own knight in shining armour.... and only then, when I can trust myself 100% and know that I will always provide myself with the support, love and security that I long for will the relationship I want emerge.

I have experienced a few experiences in the past couple of weeks that have tested my own convictions... I have had to say no to hooking up with someone that I have felt so close to in the past... I have had to fight with the urges to write my exboyfriend, I have experienced vivid dreams of my mother...

I realize I can never go back to that life... and yet, I am scared for the future, because I can see all the moments that came before me, where I made the decisions that got me there in the first place. I can see how each moment where I made the "wrong"decision, was a moment where I had lost hope.... one by one, digging my hoplessness deeper and deeper, supporting my hopelessness.

I am afraid that I will make those choices again.

I can't go back.... because I don't want to treat myself like that again... and yet there is a part of me that wants that because its better than nothing.... That's what got me there in the first place.... being with strangers was better than nothing.

I long for intimacy, for touch, for security and for love.

It scares me that I can never go back.... and yet what if I never find intimacy, touch, security and love? The thought suffocates me... makes me so sad.

I feel like I'm missing my own life... that I am so focused on finding someone to share my life with me that I am missing out on the journey....

I want to be ok with being alone. I want to be satisfied with my own company.... forever. I know in my heart the only way I will have the relationship I want is to trully be satisfied with myself.... with just me. When I don't need anything from anyone else... and can get everything I need from myself and the love that is in everything around me. Only then can I be in a relationship where we are two trees entangled, but not one... only then can I still remain an individual while in a relationship.. only then will I be ok no matter what happens, and will be able to trust myself, and what ever the future will bring.

Only then will I be able to let my partner be whoever he is, and not expect or need anything from him, just enjoy him being part of my life... for how ever long that may be.

Oh the duality.

I have been so calm this week. So grounded.... so neutral, it feels so different... i feel the edges of my body... my skin, my toes, my fingers. I feel my heart.

Last night I dreamt of my mother... we were in Japan... she embraced me... I felt the complete love, adoration and security that she gave me.... for a brief moment I didn't live inside of not having her... for a brief moment she was alive.... and life was different. I was different... and then I awoke.

I'm getting there.

All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France