forgiveness.

This week stripped me down... who am I kidding this semester stripped me down. I was justlaying in bed, with a pure sense of calmness, unlike anything i have ever felt before and I got this feeling that i needed to record how I a feeling.. I was going to write in my journal, but thought this was faster.. and in the end, mabe one person might read this and get something out of it. This is the first day in forver that I got to just be with myself.

So much has happened over the past year... the past 10 years... the past 29.... its like i havenever had room to breathe... always worrying about something. Rent, school, pans, men, sex, everything I am not yet and everything I want to be... and I think that I am finally coming into my own... I think at the root of it is this sense of trusting myself... and with trusting myself I have to believe that te universe is breathing through me.. so by default I am trusting the universe... the energy that feeds the plants, the trees, the animals.... it took care of me... somehow I got through everything.. and I am emerging on the other side... better for having been through all the experiences.. so how can I be angry anymore at the universe?

This week.... last Friday a friend of mine died.. we were never realy close, but I worked with him years ago... and he got a friend of his to tell me he had gone into the hospital... I was really touched that he thoguht of me... and went through the spectrum of emotions.. on how to help him with alternative medicine, to trying to get down there, but couldn't because of money, school and also being partially in denial... he died last week and I was forced to look at it... to find the lesson.. because something I have learned from mom dying is that eventually, if you stay true to your heart.. you realize that the worst thing that happened, made you the person you are... and if you are proud of the person you are.. then you have to be thankful for the experience... there was a lot I learned from Cody.. both in life and death.... first and foremost to laugh. Cody laughed all the time.. was rediculous and let eveeryone be rediculous with him... people felt gotten by Cody.. and its something I want to do... he was rememebred for his positive outlook... and I think that I tend to look at my life like its a sob story... as opposed to being positive about it all... so I am forcing myself to be positive...

I wrote my exams on Tuesday and Wednesday... te irony that they both had things on cancer in them... went to the wake on Wednesday night... partied... went to the funeral on Saturday... hung out with old friends... worked on Friday for 8 hours... partied... Saturday.. partied.. Sunday...got a bottle of wine... took the tarp out with a banket went into the field... dictated a letter I wanted to write J... and just sat under the stars and watched the meteor shower.... just to enjoy the beauty that is the earth, the stars.. the universe.... its special when you get in sync with the beauty that exists just outside my door. I slept pretty much all day... and then got up... and did some of the things I had to do before I leave on Wednesday.

Dictating the letter.. and then watching the stars brought me a huge sense of peace around J.. I realize that I had forgiven him when he hit me... I forgave him for everything.. until I couldn't forgive anymore.. and I needed out... I have been incredibly angry that he left and didn't fight.. and yet I have been incredibly thankful that everything happened, because I had forgotten how independent I am... or I had never been so aware... I realized through all this that I am a beautiful person.. that I am kind.. and thoughtful... and people like being around me.. that I have friends that love me.. even if they don't agree with me all the time.. or they don't understand me completely. I learned that when I trust the universe.... it takes care of me... I realized that I love living in the country and I don't want to live in the city. I have learned that I worry so much about what everyone else will think.. so I have been sorting out what I want from when I think others want from me... and I have found that I truly just love people. I understand people... and I forgive them for what they don't know.... I forgive J.

I started thinking that I had focused on al the bad things because it was easier to palate that we were breaking up when I hated him... but trusting my heart tells me that he trully is a good guy in his heart... that we had something really special... and that what happened between us wasn't fake... but that it was the depth of my love and the depth of his love that forced us to break when we were confronted with what we didn't want.... our relatinship taught me what I really want and what I am not going to settle for....

With regards to sex... I have also had sex with two men this week... two very different men... and alot of feelings came up around them... first I needed it.. but second.. its not what I really want for my life anymore... that I really enjoy the closeness that can't be forced in a one night stand.... I like slow... loving touch... and that comes only from being completely in the moment... so alcohol forces the not caring.. and the being in the moment, but misses the best part.. the intimacy that comes from sharing that experience with someone that you admire and respect... so... we'll see how that goes... but I think I no longer want to sleep with men. I realize that I really just enjoy being on my own... doing things just for the sake of doing them.. like laundry, writing, reading... I want to start learning the guitar.. and taking all the time I have to focus entirely on myself... and what I love...

I called J this morning to ask if he wanted to come down for the day and we could pack together... everyone I know has told me they think its a bad idea to be here when he is here.. they are worried for my safety.. especially considering I told them about him hitting me... but in my heart I know that he wouldn't do it again.... and that he would only get to that point if he had no other options and now that we are no longer together... he doesn't feel so trapped. I was thinking that with mom I was in complete denial about the experience... and with J. I have had the past couple of months be angry, be in denial.. and now I am thankful for the love.. thankful for the breakup... and know that I love him.. and that I want to honour breaking up. That thank god we don't have kids.. but if we did.. we would have to see eachother.. we would have to deal.. so why not force myself to deal with it...

I had this fantasy of just being positive and pack... and just be present with eachother... entirely to the other person... with no personal attachment to what he said.. just spend a day daying good bye... without the pain inside.

I called him this morning to suggest it. He was out on a fishing trip... I was really nervous.. and cried a little.. but suggested it.. and asked him what he thought and he said thankyou... that he really appreciated it. He said he was really good.. and I felt myself be happy for him.. which made me know that I really do love him... and that its difficult to love someone and let them go... but we still have a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes I feel like he is my soul mate still, just because I love him for him.. for all the things he wants... and thats important... but then I think that maybe he was just my soul mate for right now....and if thats the case... well then that's ok too.

Basically I am up for anything.. I want the universe to just give me exactly what I need.. and accept it all for what it is.

He told me he would figure out what he was going to do and get back to me... either way... he didn't.. and the weirdest thing happened.. I wasn't angry.. I just figured it was whatever it was for him.. and maybe it was just that I needed to extend the hand... and still not see him. ... who knows.

Through all this I got an email this week from C that really closed the door for me... we had been talking.. and were going to get together... he was showing me a completely different side to him and it was awesome.. I was so excited to see him again.. and then he fell off the planet again.. I went through frustration to anger.. to love... and he finally wrote me back and told me that he realized that he just wanted to use me... fuck me.. and that it wasn't fair.... I couldn't believe it. I thanked him for his honesty and for protecting me from himself and told him when he was ready to be friends to let me know.

I think I am finally learning how to let people go without struggle... with just love....

Watching the meteor shower last night was incredible... just me.. under the stars... I felt the earth... felt that it was conspiring for me... tried to imagine the vastness that is the universe... I felt my love for it.. and it for me... that i was part of it all... no matter how small I am.... that I am part of it all... I felt my love inside.. and I really just love people.. and that's ok.

I notice these moments are coming alot faster now... it used to be only once or twice a year that I would feel truly calm and happy.. now its happening atleast once a month.. and this one is the most significant. I feel like I am finally forgiving the people i love.. and forgiving the universe for giving me all the struggles I have experienced.... forgiveness... true forgiveness..... who knew?

I am learning to really love myself... deeply enough to figure out my deepest desires... and honouring them... without judgement. I can't imagine no longer judging myself :)

i have to go to sleep.
Angels on your pillow.
A.

FEELING... your anger.

So what I am beginning to realize is that you have to actually force yourself to feel the emotions you don't want to... I have been telling myself for months now that being angry isn't going to help.. isn't going to do anything... but then this week school slowed down.... for the first time in 3 months I don't have anything due... and tomorrow I have a day off.... and so all the emotions I haven't had time for started bubbling to the service... all night I found myself trying to watch TV, thinking about who I could call.... smoking... doing ANYTHING i could to distract myself.. meanwhile.. in my head there's a little voice that's reminding me that it feels really good to write in my journal.. that when I force myself to put pen to paper something changes inside me.. there's a release.... and man was there EVER...

I have been realizing that I have alot of anger... and I haven't had a place to release it.... and now I do... just writing out how angry I am at what J did was helpful.... and its validating.. writing it down and looking at it makes it real.. he did these things... he is this person..

I also realized that I have been terrified.. like I mean terrified.... I noticed that I know that he's been writing things on his facebook just to piss me off... just to make me think he's not hurting... purposefully trying to hurt me... and it does..to be honest when someone tries to hurt me on purpose they do.... and I really don't want them in my life anymore... so here I am, hurt and not wanting J. in my life anymore.. but I can't delete him from facebook... are you fucking idding me? I mean what the fuck is my problem.... so I asked... part of it was because I want to have him ACTUALLY see how I prosper and grow... but REALLY.. it is because I am terrified of him.

He has hurt me as many ways another person can hurt someone... and I'm scared that he's going to take that little bit that he hasn't taken yet... and YET.... I am in the process of realizing... o looking around me and realizing.. that somehow I got him out of my house...without any money in the bank and no car... being in nursing school and having to work... he left the house... he paid for the rent for the summer... I got a car and I can stay in this house, I am totally going to pass this semester with a 90 average, and all without him.... I can do this on my own.. i am fully capable... and all the things in the house I am worried about him taking, or breaking.... I told myself tonight that "you're worth more than these things, your feelings matter more than any of this, and if you don't want him in your life anymore.. then don't and don't be scared he's going to ruin your life... he already tried... and you won that battle... there's nothing more he can do. YOU ARE FREE.

I have no idea how this is going to play out... I don't know if he's goiing to lose his shit and start seeking revenge because he cannot handle me deleting him, or if he's going to act like an adult and appologize and respect my boundaries. THESE ARE MY BOUNDARIES... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE..... you hateful, selfish, manipulative, insensitive, abusive, vampire. You sucked the happiness out of me.. and I am going to fight to get it back....and I wish you all the luck in the world... you have NO FREAKING idea the kind of love you just through away..... it takes so much to turn me... and congratulations you have....you are toxic.

Thank you for all the beauty you showed me, for making me realize what love really is.. and what love is not. and you my friend.. have NO IDEA what love is....

I'll tell you what love is... and I'll tell you what love is not.

love is feeling like you are understood - not feeling like your boyfriend is embarrassed by your bubbly personality
love is feeling like you can be yourself 100% and never have to appologize for being you - not being told to quiet down when you are excited... and you rarely get excited because people have always told you to mellow out and quiet down... life can be pretty dreary, and boring.. so when I get excited.. LET ME FUCKING GET EXCITED.. and maybe jump in... and be excited with me... you could do well to encorporate this.

love is laughing - not telling racist jokes or make sarcastic remarks and then when I don't laugh telling me that i don't have a sense of humour and there is something wrong with me.. and when I get hurt telling me I'm overly sensitive.... people tell jokes to make people laugh.. not hurt them or insult them... its not ME that doesn't have the sense of humour its YOU dumbass.

love is hope... hope for a beautiful future, one that I can be proud of being part of... so when I am hopefully and smiling and talking about how we all need to be good to eachother... its not you telling me that its not practical and that you are a realist.... you condescending ass hole. Just because I am hopeful doesn't mean I am stupid.. it meeans that I wake up each day hoping for a brighter tomorrow... and making today the best day I've had so far.

love is compassion - its helping the little old lady at the baggage claim - its not telling me that you are worried that you are going to cheat on me if I don't lose weight.... you son of a bitch that hurt me deep

love is kindness - its not telling me that you are worried about me because I miss my mother so much.... like I have a problem.. you try being someone like me and then the only person in the whole world that truly loved you and understood you dies. GO FUCK YOURSELF.... I get to miss her forever.. and honour her in leaving you..... she would be so proud because leaving you and your type of manipulative kind... was something my mother never could do... I MADE HER PROUD BY LEAVING YOU... HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

Love is sexy - its not telling me that you've had better sex with someone else, and there's something wrong with me.. when you are so self conscious.. and think all sex should be part of a porn.

love is feeling like the other person adores you ... its not being told that women should have stayed in the home....

love is feeling safe - not worrying everytime I was hurt that you were going to leave me high and dry with no car and no money in this house.... NOT telling you about my past... being so vulnerable and have you write a HUGE letter telling me how big a slut I am, how much you feel betrayed.... how dirty I am and how embarrassed for yourself you are.... well NEWSFLASH.. I am embarrassed that I still thought you might be a good guy after this.. I am embarrassed that I didn't cut and run that day.... you jerk. and its certainly NOT being head butted because I was so upset that youpush me away....

love is tenderness... not pain

love is breathing together, not getting mad when I want to go to bed early just to hang out.

love is connection - deep energetic connection - not being told that energy is bullshit... MORON.. what the hell do you think atoms are.

love is loyal - not leaving me on the side of the road after telling me you would love your ex 10 times more than you would ever love me... and that I was fat..... and then expecting me to appologize.. and when I didn't telling me you really didn't love me and you had to leave me... because it was my fault....

love is freeing - like really freeing where someone is there to remind you of who you really are - even when you forget - its not telling me that there must be something wrong with me if someone doesn't like me.... that I am too dramatic... I am not too dramatic.. I AM TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH - teling me "what are you going to do about it, I own the car, and I pay for the rent.. I have all the control." OH YA? I'm sorry WHAT? YOU DO NOT CONTROL ME.. I am fiercly independent.I LOVED YOU - that is not possessive... I wasn't there because I had to be.. I was tehre because I loved you... because I wanted to be there.... the second you wanted to control me was the second I no longer wanted to be there.

love is sweet, like picnics and kisses just because... wild flowers and poems... love is lighter than air... and feels like coming home.

love is adventurous but comforting - not being told that you would rather be with someone who already knows how to camp.... knows how to do everything.. that you hate having to teach me... what's wrong with you? The best thing in the world is having something you can share with someone.

love is not being able to keep your hands off eachother... NOT telling me that you aren't very attracted to me... and that you don't want to have sex with me.

love is intoxicating.. not suffocating

love is understanding.. not telling me that what I believe in is bullshit, when you would never listen... and tell me that I am crazy..... newsflash, I am WAY more knowledgeable. I KNOW SHIT.. I have been through SO MUCH IN MY LIFE.. you can't even begin to shake a stick at the things that I KNOW... and if only you were willing to trust me.. and believe in me.. I could have taught you... but NO.. you know EVERYTHING.... well good for you... you keep trying to cookie cutter yourself and think you are so freaking wonderful..... and I'll stay my pretty damn fine coarse to happiness.

love is cooking a meal together.. not getting mad when I ask you if you would help me make cookies.... or offering to cook dinner with the ONLY ingredient I HATE>..... and then getting mad at me for "ruining your plans." WHAT THE FUCK KINDS OF TACTIC IS THAT?

love is noticing - noticing when I was having a rough day... and loving me anyways... its not pulling all this shit when I was in exams..... I'm in NURSING SCHOOL! do you know how hard this is????? fuck you for jeaopardizing this for me... I WANT THIS.. I FUCKING NEED THIS... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE SO I CAN LIVE THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS>>> BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN THEM.

love is real...


and in the end I know.. you can't find love until you tell what's not love to take a hike. ALL I WANT IS LOVE. that's it

I'm getting stronger.... slowly but surely I am starting to realize how great of a person I am.. and how I trully deserve eauty and love.. I have never let anything in my life corrupt my heart... my hope.. and my love... they can try.... but I am learning pretty quickly that everything I get through makes me stronger... SO BRING ON THE PAIN... because then I will be unstoppable.

What I have learned from this relationship about myself.

I am incredibly smart.. I know things I didn't even know I knew.. I can talk about so many topics.. I love learning, and I really appreciate when someone takes the time out of their lives to teach me somehting I didn't know before.

I am STRONG - like REALLY strong. I cannot believe that I am here... at the end of my first year.. dealing with all of this shit.. and not only am I here.. but I live in a beautiful house.. and have a good job and am doing exceedingly well in school

I AM BEAUTIFUL - inside and out.. I have lost 35 lbs... and I will lose 30 more.. and I wil be smoking hot.... the way I have always wanted to feel

I AM UNDERSTANDING - I really forgave him for so many things... I understand that we only know what we know.... and that sometimes our interpretation of what is right and wrong was calibrated on a misaligned frequency.. ie. when your dad is abusive to your mom.. you have no clue that you picked up the same habits... and I don't blame you.. its just your responsibility to own that you have... and change it.


I AM LOYAL - through all of this I have never even thought of cheating.. I still thought maybe we would be able to work it out at the very end... I had so much hope.. and I had given my heart completely... and I wasn't going to give up... but I told him in the beginning.. I would leave the second I feel like he doesn't care anymore.

I AM LOVING - I loved deeper than I have ever loved before.

I have learned that I LOVE being outdoors, that I love having a dog, that I love living in the country, I have learned that I can do anthing that I put my mind to.. and FINALLY I have LEARNED.. that the voice inside me.. is both everything and ME... its the universe guiding me... and when I listen.. when I trust myself... everything always works out... to my benefit.. even though its painful.. it makes me stronger.. more alive and more resiliant.

i need sleep.
A.

love and hate

I think I finally understand what it means when they say that hate and love are so close to eaachother. To really hate... you have to really love.. and feel wronged. To give everything to someone... all the love and compassion and understanding you hold inside.. and have them continue to hurt.. continue to throw it in your face... continue to just be mean for the sake of being mean. To have completely disregarded all of your feelings... for their own... to deliberately take your love and use that against you.... they have to take your very precious love.. that sacred part of you that is help only for a special few.. and abandon it, use it... disregard it... stomp on it. That's how I feel about J.

I feel crushed. When I let myself go to the place in my body where the hurt from this relationship resides.. its pure anger. Pure hate... and pure love.

I waffle. There are moments where I remember all the beautiful moments we shared.. and I miss him... I miss him so much it hurts.. I am reminded of how deep my love for him goes... and then just as deep as that love goes... the hurt goes too. the hurt is as deep as the love... and that is why I can understand what they mean when they say that hate is so close to love.. because withot loving to the ends of your soul.. you cannot be hurt to the ends of your soul. And he did just that.

Whenever I have week moments and want to call him, or write him... I tell myself no. There are moments when I think of just writing "hi" and I tell myself "no" I have to tell myself every single day.. atleast 20 times a day "you deserve more". It's soooo difficult to be so self disciplined in my emotions... to remain steadfast in my resolve that I do deserve more and will get exactly what I have dreamt of. But so much of my time is spent trying to convince myself.... fighting against the part of me that wants so desperately for J. to love me.. that wants to beg him to forgive me.... because in a way I know that if I sold out on myself... we could work.

Its weird not having friends that call you once in a while to tell you that they are so proud of you being in nursing school.... its weird that in the past 6 weeks.. the only people that check on me are Julia, Britt and my brother Barry. Julia its more like we are talking... so she just knows... Britt same thing.. and Barry actually texts to see if I am ok. But everyone seems to want to be avoiding me... avoiding me struggling... not wanting to get too close... its weird...

Jess says its weird too.

Honestly I have no idea what I would do without Jess. There's no way that I would still be in school. I would have certainly dropped out. She is the only person I talk to. She is the only person I see. She is my best friend for sure right now. I have never had a friend like her... its really cool. I know she has my back.. and she will be 100%... because she has my best interests at heart.... no matter how I feel about hearing the truth. She'll always tell me the truth.

So ya. Love and hate. I cannot believe he squeezed every last drop of love out of me. I mean really? I can be pushed to the end of my soul.. and I will still love you.. and he certainly did that. To finally have to say ENOUGH.

He said that he didn't want to burn any bridges and that in 5 years.. maybe... what I struggle with is there is no chance in hell. I have no more love to give. He hurt me deeper than any person EVER in my ENTIRE life. and people have hurt me.

Its so hard to admit that the man you love...isn't a good man. To actually have to admit... that he is mean, and manipulative.. and he has a brain.. and that I can no longer give him excuses that he just doesn't see... that he could use his brain and figure it out.. but he refuses to. He's the meanest man I have ever met in my entire life.

He called me fat
He told me he was worried that he would cheat on me if I didn't lose weight
He told me that I'm not good in bed
He called me a slut
He told me it must be because I slept with so many dicks that my vagina is so loose
He told me that I just didn't understand men
He told me that I was overly sensitive
He told me that I was overly dramatic
He called me crazy
He told me he was embarrassed for me on numerous occasions
He told me that what I believe in was stupid
He told me I was crazy
He told me "what are you going to do about it, its my car.. and I pay for the rent... I have all the control... what are you going to do about it."
He made me feel sorry for him.
He told me he loved his ex fiance more than he could ever love me.
He left me on the side of the road.
Instead of appologizing he expected me to appologize.. and when I didn't... he drove away.. and that was the last time he lived here.

Yup... I can certainly say that no one has ever said most of those thngs to me... oh and did I mention he head butted me because I was freaking about about how unloved I felt.

and all this from a man who claimed he loved me.. who would send me flowers just to let me know he's thinking about me..
Who brought back a rock from an old mine because he knew how much I would appreciate it... I mean really? who brings back a rock... and whose girlfriend would appreciate it as much as me?
Who would write me love notes
Who would tell me how much he knew I could get through nursing school... man do I ever miss that... no one is telling me that right now.. and its hard to keep myself motivated.

this from a man that would dance around the kitchen and come over and kiss me... or who would teach me about the plants and nature.. who would laugh with me and go geocaching.. Who bought this colour flame stuff because he knew how much I would love it... every present he bought me was sentimental.. was exactly what I would want.... he put so much thought into making me happy.. when he wanted to make me happy.. and then he was so careless with his words. So careless with his anger.. as though I couldn't get hurt... as though it didn't matter.

He broke my heart... shattered it. It feels like a freight train plummeted into me.. and I miss him every day... but I have to tell myself. "NO" you cannot be with a man who hurts you so deeply.. just because they can be nice sometimes.. and that is freaking killing me. I will not beg. I will not ask. I'm not even talking to him anymore.

I've removed him.. and he's gone without a fight. It's weird.

But I guess in the end.. I just keep saying.. just get through this program... if you can do this... then you can do whatever you want after.

BC. YOGA. DANCE. BOXING. SURFING. LIVING IN THE COUNTRY. GARDEN. GUITAR. NICE CLOTHES. CAMPING SUPPLIES. KAYAK. CANOE. TRUCK. HEALTHY FOOD. TRAVEL. PHOTOGRAPHY - NEW CAMERA and PHOTOSHOP.

What I love to do costs money... I can't wait til I can afford the basics.

So ya... I have never been this emotionally disciplined in my entire life. Calm. Cenetered.. while everything else is off its rockers.

A

anger

I'm in the moment of realizing how angry I am. How unbelievable angry I am that J. is not fighting for me. To love someone as deep as I love... and for them to just walk away as though it doesn't matter at all. I want to hit him.. I want to throw things.. I am so angry that he's walking away.

I'm realizing that I still care what he thinks... that I want to be amicable... and I am still doing what I was doing before.... trying to make myself be ok with everything. I can barely feel how upset I am... how angry I am... I still don't understand how someone could hurt the person they love most in the world as much as he has hurt me... I want to be ok. I want to let it go.. but man... and to know that I am worried about paying rent for the next few months.. that's why I am keepig it together... in order to survive.

I have to let it out.. I have to tell him I never want to see him again.. that he has hurt me too much.. that we are through.. that our relationship is sooo over.. that he can't get the good without the bad.. and that if he wants me.. he has to want all of me.. or none of me. and I have to face what comes next... for me.

The Universe creates and provides

I'm buying a car tomorrow. I'm so freaking excited!!!

you know excitement is a really interesting thing... I have always known that if you cut off the bad emotions you don't get to feel  the good ones either.. and there have been a few monumental things in the past few years that I knew i should be really excited about.. but I wasn't... like going to Korea, or getting into school, or getting an 85% avg. !! Or getting a letter from my father after waiting for 29 years!... I couldn't feel the excitement... and now.. having tired up all my loose ends.. and burning through this karma... I feel excited again! about my own life! and looking back I can see that everytime I felt excited I felt guilty.. any time that I put myself first people around me criticized me. and brought me down.. so I was scared! and now I see I have these beautiful people around me that just want to support me and for me to be happy and when I am excited they can be too! It's trully an amazing feeling.. and to watch everything unfold so perfectly. I needed a car for this weekend... and it happpened! My Uncle found it.. My aunt agreed to lend me the money, the insurance company got everything in order.. the mechanic fixed it up in time... I just so happened to get tomorrow off.. I was supposed to be in school... just everything! Now my brother is going to pick me up at the train station and drive me to the dealership.. and I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years?

Then I'm going to meet of with J. I'm bringing him his golf clubs. Its so amazing.. I'm living like there are no rules. I amm just following my heart.. and I truly just adore him! I wanted to talk to him tonight so I picked up the phone and called... it was so nice to just chat... and not be worried about what he thought... we just chatted... and it was lovely. He agreed that he would go hide the geocache with me when he was up again, so I'm happy about that. Freedom!

Anyways.. I got to go to bed!
night!

Freedom

I have never felt so free. So alive. So thankful.

I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...

Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.

Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...

Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.

I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.

what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.

So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...

I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.

One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.

I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.

Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.

This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.

Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.

Man I'm scared.

Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.

I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.

I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox

transition

So its interesting, for years that voice that whispers to me has always said, write down what you think... write down your realizations and revelations.. and sometimes I do.. and sometimes I don't.. but right now its louder than ever and I must.

I am in a clarity.. a transition if you will... and I know like life there are moments where you are on fire and everything is clicking and then something happens and you lose sight of something... get off track if you will and forget who you are... neither is good or bad.. its just transition... so I NEED to write down what is going on.

I broke up with J. Or he broke up with me... I really am not sure. He left and I let him.

It had been coming for a long while... every major fight we had made me feel closer and closer to the fact that I had to eventually find the strength to leave.

Its been so difficult because he brought so much beauty and light to my life.. he showed me love... he provided a house and a car and a dog, he encouraged me to get out into nature and grounded me in so many ways. I love him sooo much I can't even tell you... and so everytime I saw that he wasn't respecting me, or honouring me... my heart would break at the idea that I could not continue....

a month ago we had a fight where he said 2 things that changed everything "I hold all the cards...I pay for the apartment and the car... what are you going to do about it?" and "maybe you should just listen better, I'm the man."

I had never had someone actually say that outloud to me before.. and for the first time I CLEARLY saw.. that he wanted to control me.
It's interesting, because I know he is completely unaware of the impact that had on me... but I saw the life that I wanted for myself slip away in those two sentences and I thought... I will never get to be the woman I want to be under this suppression.

During one of our many conversations over the past few weeks I said to him that I've noticed that the closer he gets to thinking that I am the one he wants to marry, the meaner he gets.. the more controlling... my thoughts... that he is out of control, because I embody so much of what he doesn't agree with/understand about the world.. andI didn't show up the way he expected... I have not reached my full potential.. and instead of seeing the love that I have for him and cherishing it... he wanted to control it.. like so many men do... and in so doing has lost me.

The freedom I feel 5 days after the last time I saw him is unbelievable... and although I am sad that we need to break up... I am so incredibly thankful for the process... for everything.

Over the past few days I have noticed that something has lifted inside of me and memories long lost have been resurfacing.. a review of some of my life...

I am coming home... to myself... and with every step towards self honouring, self love, self actualization.. what ever you want to call it... I am loving my mother and appreciating her even more.

I come from a different world. I was raised by a hippie, who knew more about health than anyone she knew.. and she was always criticized because it was different.... I was loved to the end of the universe and my mother trully believed that I was given to her to take care of and to build my own wings... we had bumps along the way.. because of course we are only human... but at the end of the day she encouraged me in everything she could.. and wanted to be nothing but myself.

As I got older I saw how she was treated... and I wanted to be accepted.. so I started to treat her similarily... but most of all, I started treating myself like that.. and the past 15 years have been the fall, and the rebirth of those beliefs, but this time from education, knowledge and experience.

I have experienced a life like no one I know. I do what I want. I always have.. and I have always believed it was going to work. I question myself... all the time.. but when I don't life has always just shown up for me... and I am scared to admit that because I am scared of the criticism... but that is the truth. When you trust the universe by trusting the voice inside you.. the voice that always knows best.... the universe provides.

I never thought I would be so happy when I am so sad... so thankful... full of love for life... when I can't bear the thought of seeing him again when he comes to get his things. I keep hoping that something will change in him and he will realize that my love is soul deep... that its the kind of love people dream of... the kind of love he wants... but he is so stubborn, so hell bent on believing what he does.. that he doesn't see the beauty of life staring at him... he has moments... but not the kind ofmoment that would require a complete shift in awareness.. a complete shift in love.

I have always felt that one of the things holding me back was my fear of losing people.. especially men.. it is something that keeps me a certain way, or changes me... I'm scared to be judged.. and not liked... and have felt very alone in my life, so I keep people... and I worry that if I say what I believe I won't be liked anymore.. I will be judged. to be honest... I don't want to be someone who believes in myths and legends.. and a man standing above us.. dictating our lives to us.... I believe in science... and the more I learn.. the more I realize that science is starting to explain what I know to be true.. what I have always known to be true.

We are GOD. Anything you know jesus said is true... its the interpretation that's all fucked up.. and it is not him who must be idolized its who he said we could be.... my favorite"forgive them, they know not what they do."

Its interesting.. I have noticed that so many people say that person is manipulating me... or he is intentionally being mean... but the truth is... most people have no idea.. they are so caught up in their own weird shit in their OWN head... that they think that they are protecting themselves.. or getting what they want... but power does not equal happiness.. and anyone who has tasted true freedom... the freedom to go anywhere and be anyone... that can't be bought. It's an inner quality.. anyone who has tasted true love... knows that can't be bought. Anyone who has experienced pride... knows that can't be bought... people seek happiness in all the wrong places... where we feel empty.. like there is a void in us... a sadness... and what I am realizing that that space that is missing is me. It's scary trying to find yourself.. and to be honest.. its organic.. there are no rules to discovering who you are.. or how to find yourself.. how to turn in... how to start loving yourself...

but I started with 2 things.

1. Everytime I catch myself saying something negative about myself I would say I love you...you are awesome.. or some relation to that... sometimes I would simply say ctrl alt delete, which is something someone told me they do.. man I wish I remembered who that was... at first it was difficult, because I believed the shit I told myself... because as far as I was concerned.. I was... you know what I am talking about.. that voice who when you do stupid shit like burn toast tells yourself that you are stupid and what the fuck.. etc. Or when you dissapoint someone and you think they will never love you again because you are such a fuck up... I will tell you though.. it took a long time to start catching myself. First it was just saying nice things to myself.. like you are beautiful.. I am beautiful.... my stomach would feel weird.. I felt uncomfortable... because I didn't believe it.. and I am honest to a fault.. so I felt like I was betraying myself... but the more and more I started saying nice things to myself.. the more and more I started believing it... at first I caught myself once every month, saying a shitty thing to myself.. then is was once every couple of weeks... I would forget again.. and then the net time I would remember I would praactice... over time the times started getting mroe frequently.. until I started catching myself saying shitty things to myself... actually WHILE I was saying something shitty to myself... and so in the process I was changing my dialogue with myself...

I think one of the hardest things for most people going through self discovery is the practical side of things.. its all great to learn about everything from an intelectual standpoint.. but how tdo you integrate that... for me the question is always "WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE". well that's what that step looks like... not pretty, annoying a struggle and I would forget all the time... the point though is to just do it when you remember.. and you aren't allowed to get mad at yourelf for not remembering.. because the whole tast is to stop berating yourself... I have had to learn to stop hating on myself so much and thinking that I am a complete fuck up... only then did things start to really change... I still ahve so far to go... but that was the beginning.

2.

The goal in life is to really be true to yourself.. and the only way to become true to yourself is by trusting yourself.. and the only way to trust yourself is to start listening to yourself.. and the only way to start listening to yourself is to stop being a bully to yourself... start being nice.. its not selfish.. its selfLESS.. because when you start listening to that inner voice.. the one that whispers to you through feeling... and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder and louder until finally you are so sick you have to sleep more.. whatever it is... whereever you feel it.. its there.. its intuition.

Intuition for me is the feeling that says that I know best... no one else. and if I listen.. everything will work out.. Now don't get me wrong I am not writing this to preach.. I freaking have no idea most of the time.. I am simply sharing my own experience in the hopes that it will help someone else feel like there is someone who understands...

It's 3:30am.. of course.. and I have to go to sleep because I am going to the gym tomorrow... but I felt that I really needed to write something down.. what I was thinking.

What I feel about J is... well there's a lot.. but for right now... that I am leaving at eactly the right time.. that everytime we got into a fight and I would yell about how he wasn't accepting me for me.. and if he was going to trully love me he had to let me be me... When he told me that he was scared that he was going to cheat on me if I didn't lose weight, that what I believed in was rediculous, that I was naive and didn't really understand the world.. that I had no sense of humour, that I wasn't feminine enough... that everytime he said anything mean to me or questioned who I was... I realized that he is simply saying EXACTLY what I tell myself. That he was an exact mirror of me and my EGO. And everytime I stood up to him.. I no longer had any more ecuses to think that of myself... because how the hell could I tell him he was being rediculous and not tell myself the exact same thing... I learned from every fight that I was better than that..

I had hope that through me standing up for myself and growing.. he too would grow.. but one thing I have realized very recently is that I must take care of my inner love.. my inner heart... and I must learn to honour myself.. honour that voice.

I noticed our last fight that I kept talking to him even though he was saying aweful things to me.. that I kept engaging.. which finally lead up to this week where he got mad again and said the two things that scared me the most... that he loved his ex more than me.. and that I was fat. and for the first time in my entire life I actually said ENOUGH.We were at a stop sign and in a split second I heard inside me... GET OUT.. you don't DESERVE THIS... get out get out get out.. this is your life.. you get to decide what happens.. I unbuckled my seat belt.. and instead of threatening or thinking.. I looked behind.. made sure I was safe and I knew I had just enough time to jump out of the car and get to the other side of the road.

I removed myself from the pain.

I sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes and when I realized that he wasn't coming back.. I walked.... in that time I talked to my friend and got coached on what was going on... a few things she said that have stuck with me is... look at where you are right now...feel it. you are walking home...and the man you love isn't coming to get you... you never want to feel like this again...

and 2. what ever happens you have to promise yourself you will not fight with him.

I called him 30 minutes later and he responded an hour later... and came and picked me up. When he picked me up  he appologized for saying the things that would hurt me the most (something that we have been talking about and he is starting to be aware of.. but can't seem to change.) I said ok. in the calmest, unjudgemental way possible. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say and I cheerfully responded "no."

When we got home he asked if there was really was nothing I wanted to say.. and again I responded with a cheerful no.. and then as I grabbed a beer a book and decided to go sit on the back lawn.. I heard him under his breath say "this is your last chance"

I didn't react I just went and sat in the back yard. I figured Id take a few hours.. and we would talk.. but instead he packed the car and came over to me and said "I thought i loved you, but I have to leave" I said ok.

there is more to the story.. as he drove away and then came back. We talked for about 25 more minutes... in which time i remained unbelievably calm and composed and spoke my truth. that the only thing I ever asked for was to be respected... and that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect me. He couldn't see it.... and left.

I haven't heard from him in 5 days... and although I have had moments of shear break down... I have had more moments of insight and my heart is so open to love.

I knew that one day I was going to have to face my fear of losing everything and follow my heart. That this very act was going to change me... because in the moment I cared more for myself than the car, the job, the house, the fun, the food, the dog...and all the love I had received from him.. in that moment I realized that I was enough....and that I deserved more.

I do not hate J.. because through every fucked up scenario I have become stronger, built my self esteem, and become more convicted in my beliefs... through this relationship I found myself... and through letting him go.. I found my strength... my love for myself.

I had been planning it.. but had been so scared because I couldn't figure out logistics... but it was when I didn't care about logisitics anymore.. and I listened to my heart in the moment that it was happening.. all I could hear was "don't resist.. go with the flow" and I let him go.

I do not know what will happen between us... all I know is that I had to go through this in order to believe myself more.. in order to believe in the universe more... and that whatever he needs in order to have his heart cracked open.. could clearly only happen if I had made that choice.

J is so close.. the life he has lived has created this beautiful man... I simply see that he, like I, is terrified of who he really is.. of his true dreams.. and that is what gets in the way of our love... I only hope one day J will realize the depth and magnitude of my love... and love himself... accept himself and his love and blossom into the beautiful man I know he is...

I am so unbelievably thankful, that J had the belief in being completely honest.... because his honesty opened me up.. even though it hurt... and that everything happens for a reason.

I am still struggling with logistics, and with all the other things I do against myself like smoking, drinking, eating meat, not dancing, not doing yoga.. etc. I am working on them one little bit at a time... but since listening to my heart... beauty hass just unfolded around me... my family and friends are supporting me like I have never experienced before... I am opening my heart to love.. and it is all around... the trick though is it is a process.. I always wanted to jump to the other end... but its the process.. and listening to your heart.

My convictions now are, when we finally do talk again... to not get mad.. to stay in this space that I felt today.. today there was a moment of pure clarity and I realized that I am awesome. Not in the vain narcissistic way.. but in the way of realizing that I have lived a life with no regrets. and I am still hopeful.. that I am one of the best people I know.. and i would want to be my friend... and that I deserve everything I ever dreamed of. (of course its going to take alot of hard work... and I still have a lot of growing up to do.. but in the end... I'll get it) So... I hope that I can somehow find it in myself to stay in that place when I see him again.. and not try to fix it or try to get him to see like I always do.. but rather .. remain calm... loving.. and tell him that he has a lot of growing up to do.. and I won't stay with someone who hurts me. EVER. I love him. I always will, and I believe in my heart that someday he will realize... but that I have to let him do that on his own... I can do nothing to fi him.. except to allow myself to accept that this relationship is over... for now.

peace. acceptance. I have realized I am the epitome of the tarot card  "the fool" a fool goes on loving, even when people hurt them.. goes on loving and trusting... open to the world... to the universe and to others... and I finally realized what the expression fools don't suffer lightly means.... that even though us fools look naive... we do not suffer lightly.. we have been broken and have put the pieces back together.. and that is specifically WHY we are fools. Because we see the value in love... and it is our highest goal... we suffer.. but then we appreciate life so much more.

I am so thankful for llife... for the beauty of life and to watch it unfold in a brilliant manner. one step at a time.

I got tot go to sleep we are running tomorrow.

Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 3/when it starts paying off

He just says it comes down to hope.. and if there is no hope we are miserable...

There was a moment last year where I was almost fighting with my boyfriend and my cousin... about that we are turning a new leaf that we need to care about other people, even the poeple in Africa, the poor, the incarcarated.. that we need to realie we are all the same... they were arguing that we are not all the same... and I couldn't articulate my point... because well, I guess for me it just makes sense.. I don't know how to explain it.. it just IS in my world....

we talked about humanity fucking up the eaerth and ourselves... and I always say that I have hope that we will all be able to finally turn a leaf and believe.. believe in ourselves and in eachother.. and make changes that we need to make in order to survive and prosper.... after much discussion I finally said.. it is hope.. I have to have hope, because at the end of the day, why would I even try if there was no hope.

I believe in cycles. I believe that your life is cycles.. cycles of the same thing until you break free.. and I have noticed being self reflective since very young that I could never see what I needed to change until I could see the pattern.... because it is not a harmful thing until you continue to choose the same pattern expecting a different result... and that is how I stopped sleeping with men. I realized that it was the pattern in my life.. sleeping with a guy, thinking that he was going to realie how awesome I am, and want to be with me... when I realized it wasn't that I was going to the bar a few nights a week, and sleeping with men that didn't really care for me... that I was the KIND OF PERSON that would do that.... that's when I realized that I no longer wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone who valued themselves more than that. So through the action was the feeling.

Only through doing it did I feel like I could.

I remember when I realied that the decision wasn't temporary.. that I had to make the decision for ever.... that was so scary for me... because I was scared, I was scared that I would never have sex again. That I could never find that man... I didn't even know what that A.looked like. But making that decision changed everything. I told the universe that I wanted more and I deserved more... and I got more. By changing my actions. I got what I wanted. .. by saying enough to that which I was addicted to.

It would be interesting to re read this blog from that time and see what I was really feeling.. because of all the times in my life I think I documented that relatively well....

So in this moment I really want to share something big in my life.. something I haven't even really been able to digest... well there are actually two things that I haven't really sat down with myself to feel.. to understand... so this may be as good a time as any. .. never mind... I'll share it later....I'll keep watching the show first.

Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 2

He just said that he feels that what you think is working against you is working for you... I find that very true about J... that everytime I feel like he is hurting me.. that he doesn't understand me.. that I should cut and run... we somehow navigate our way through the pain.. talk.. and come out on the other side stronger than before. We have faced alot with eachother over the past year.. and I have had to face my deepest feelings about myself.. and in the end I have had to stand up for my choices, stand up for me, and through telling him that who I am is the product of my past.. I've had to say the same thing to myself.. and every step is bringing me closer to myself.... its the weirdest thing...

In the past year I have learned how to stand up for myself, that what I see and what I hear I can trust, that I can trust my feelings, and trust myself. That I believe in alternative health, even if I don't fully understand it, that the fact that I slept with so many men doesn't equate my worth.. that it was the result of what I was going through and it was my LIFE... I chose that life...

I believe when I am older.. it will all make sense. That all the components of my life will start matching up... they already are starting to. and that the things that I have chosen for myself, particularily promiscuous sex, staying with a man who didn't care for me the way I deserved, travelling the world, my mother's death, my upbringing, my lack of a father... all my schooling... all th choices i have made will somehow come together... so long as I keep listening to my heart.

Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes

I'm just starting to watch the oprah lifeclass with Bishop T.D. Jakes. I should start by saying that when I heard about the life class last year I was so excited, but it wasn't until this year that I finally started to watch it... mainly because my friend who had cut me out of her life last year came back... and it made me feel very confident in that I know what I am doing.. and that I do not waste my love.

So she's back, and she told me about the life class and it got me soo excited. So I watched the first episode at her house... and it resonated at my very core.

I've always felt that Oprah was put on this planet to help people see the truth..

I don't think I realized what that truth was until today when she said that she believes that everyone is worth the same... that's trully how I have felt at my very core... sometimes my behaviour doesn't reflect that.. and my desire to fit in, to be liked stops me from behaviour true to who I am.. but the older I get and the closer to myself I get the more I find the truth in that...

Something happened this past week.. and for the first time in my life, when someone came to complain about someone... I showed them the other side... so that both of my friends could make amends... now I know there is still something I have to work on because when one of the girls got mad and felt that I betrayed her I was angry... because I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be fair and understand that I wasn't doing anything vindictively.. I was doing what was right.

So Oprah... I've always looked up to her... when I was younger I thought I wanted to be her... I love talking to people, helping people and showing them the truth...

So here I am.. watching this show and Bishop T.D. Jakes talks about a purpose being the very thing that would make sense considering ALLLLLLLL the things that have happened in your life... that everything from our faults to our strengths... they all fit into something.. and the only way to find that is to not RESIST.... to flow with what life gives you...

I think that I have never been able to articulate what it is that I do.. but even in my darkest times.. I NEVER lost sight of listening... it is a weird time to look back.. because I still followed the whispers... there was a time there where I got a little lost.. but I think that in and of itself was something I had to go through... see the people that would be there for me. hmm..

anyways.. I listened to the whispers and I followed them.. and although all of this doesn't make any sense... it seems like I resist.. but not too badly... lol... and everytime that I come up against something that is really difficult I always say.. this is happening for a reason.. there is something here for you to learn.. it took a long time for me to start seeing myself for who I really am... and I still find myself scared... scared to recognize how much love I trully have in my heart.... wow.... that's what it is... I'm scared to see how much love I have... and the only people that make me mad in life are superficial people who can't see the truth... and I love them too.

So.... so far... I haven't gotten through much yet... but... so far when I think about whether I am following my purpose I feel like.. yes I have to be.... because not 2 months ago I was talking to my friend, a woman I have known since I was born. There are 3 of us, Ki, Kristen and myself. Our mother's were best friends. Each of us has had similar and different lives. we all have never gone to the same school until we all decided to go to the same university, where we all took International Development. In first year each one of us was in an alternative residence, Ki in eco house, Kristen in Arts house and me in International House. We lived in the same city, but still hung out from time to time. We have maintained our friendship for 29 years.. always in different places... sometimes not talking forever.. but always close. Ki and I were talking and we were talking about her mom, and she asked if I had known that her mom had been in foster care when she was young and I said no. We agreed it was really interesting that she is a social worker and that's what she does everyday.. work with children in foster care. I thought, isn't that interesting, Kristen's dad was an imigrant, and she was just promoted to head that Immigration Services devision of the YMCA. And, me... my mother was the one who KNEW about alternative therapies... and here I am, fighting.. lol with all my might... naw... here I am, embracing the fact that I was born to be in health care... I feel in my bones that my ultimate calling is to create a union between alternative and traditional therapies... the thing is I got to get crackalacking if I'm going to fulfill that purpose.. and the quest is so daunting. I feel like if I really wanted to fulfill my purpose it would be to completely delve into this education and spend no other moments of my life than learning everything I can about health, and alternative health... find out the FACTS. LEARN the TRUTH. it's funny... I've had that feeling, but writing it down on paper is a completely different thing (it's weird how uncomfortable it is to say paper... doesn't sound the same to say 'but typing it out on the screen'... not the same... I digress)

I feel it in my soul.. that I am smart enough that I could maybe even pull it off... but I'm scared.. I'm scared to be wrong.. I'm scared ...hmm.. I'm scared of the truth, and of that not alligning with my beliefs... lol... well that's weird... then there's this voice in me that says, yes but then atleast you'll find out the truth.. and really.. HOW SCARY IS THAT? then you will know..and more than likely you will learn that you are right, and FINALLY You wll have the evidence that you need to know that you are right... and your mom was right... and you trully are of value even if you took an interesting road to get there...

I truly believe that your life does exactly what it is supposed to do... and even though I have struggles it has been through all my struggles that I found my way here... and if I hadn't been through everything... well I wouldn't be a good nurse.

It's how I feel about J... that we all try to rush our futures, but the universe gives us exactly what we need to learn.. and who am I to say I know what I want... I want to grow, and that is exactly what I have. The trick is... figuring out what it is you are meant to learn. Every situation has a lesson if you are willing to look... and everytime you want to change you have to understand the conversation will happen a few times til the shift completely happens... we all fall back into the same pattern.. its cause we know what we know.. and we don't listen to the internal voice enough... we get inspired, and excited, and then we talk ourselves out of it.. we tell ourselves we can't because of a thousand excuses... so don't worry... but I have.. in my experiences learned a trick... any consistent complaint you have.... is something to look at. Anything that you notice in other people.. the thing that drives you crazy about someone else is something inside of you that may want to be free.

Every human being has EVERY componant of being human in them. We are all capable of everything... it is our hearts that keep us on track. our heads get scared. our hearts know.

I always tell myself... anytime i do something that scares me... when I am older will I regret doing this... or regret not doing this... and when I say I'll regret not doing it... when it scares me the most.. I always try to do it... there still are quite a few things that I still can't get to that point about... but its a trick I have tried to implement in my life and when I use it... it has always been something i never regret.

ok.. well that was an ineresting stream of thought.. back to the class.