anger

I'm in the moment of realizing how angry I am. How unbelievable angry I am that J. is not fighting for me. To love someone as deep as I love... and for them to just walk away as though it doesn't matter at all. I want to hit him.. I want to throw things.. I am so angry that he's walking away.

I'm realizing that I still care what he thinks... that I want to be amicable... and I am still doing what I was doing before.... trying to make myself be ok with everything. I can barely feel how upset I am... how angry I am... I still don't understand how someone could hurt the person they love most in the world as much as he has hurt me... I want to be ok. I want to let it go.. but man... and to know that I am worried about paying rent for the next few months.. that's why I am keepig it together... in order to survive.

I have to let it out.. I have to tell him I never want to see him again.. that he has hurt me too much.. that we are through.. that our relationship is sooo over.. that he can't get the good without the bad.. and that if he wants me.. he has to want all of me.. or none of me. and I have to face what comes next... for me.