love and hate

I think I finally understand what it means when they say that hate and love are so close to eaachother. To really hate... you have to really love.. and feel wronged. To give everything to someone... all the love and compassion and understanding you hold inside.. and have them continue to hurt.. continue to throw it in your face... continue to just be mean for the sake of being mean. To have completely disregarded all of your feelings... for their own... to deliberately take your love and use that against you.... they have to take your very precious love.. that sacred part of you that is help only for a special few.. and abandon it, use it... disregard it... stomp on it. That's how I feel about J.

I feel crushed. When I let myself go to the place in my body where the hurt from this relationship resides.. its pure anger. Pure hate... and pure love.

I waffle. There are moments where I remember all the beautiful moments we shared.. and I miss him... I miss him so much it hurts.. I am reminded of how deep my love for him goes... and then just as deep as that love goes... the hurt goes too. the hurt is as deep as the love... and that is why I can understand what they mean when they say that hate is so close to love.. because withot loving to the ends of your soul.. you cannot be hurt to the ends of your soul. And he did just that.

Whenever I have week moments and want to call him, or write him... I tell myself no. There are moments when I think of just writing "hi" and I tell myself "no" I have to tell myself every single day.. atleast 20 times a day "you deserve more". It's soooo difficult to be so self disciplined in my emotions... to remain steadfast in my resolve that I do deserve more and will get exactly what I have dreamt of. But so much of my time is spent trying to convince myself.... fighting against the part of me that wants so desperately for J. to love me.. that wants to beg him to forgive me.... because in a way I know that if I sold out on myself... we could work.

Its weird not having friends that call you once in a while to tell you that they are so proud of you being in nursing school.... its weird that in the past 6 weeks.. the only people that check on me are Julia, Britt and my brother Barry. Julia its more like we are talking... so she just knows... Britt same thing.. and Barry actually texts to see if I am ok. But everyone seems to want to be avoiding me... avoiding me struggling... not wanting to get too close... its weird...

Jess says its weird too.

Honestly I have no idea what I would do without Jess. There's no way that I would still be in school. I would have certainly dropped out. She is the only person I talk to. She is the only person I see. She is my best friend for sure right now. I have never had a friend like her... its really cool. I know she has my back.. and she will be 100%... because she has my best interests at heart.... no matter how I feel about hearing the truth. She'll always tell me the truth.

So ya. Love and hate. I cannot believe he squeezed every last drop of love out of me. I mean really? I can be pushed to the end of my soul.. and I will still love you.. and he certainly did that. To finally have to say ENOUGH.

He said that he didn't want to burn any bridges and that in 5 years.. maybe... what I struggle with is there is no chance in hell. I have no more love to give. He hurt me deeper than any person EVER in my ENTIRE life. and people have hurt me.

Its so hard to admit that the man you love...isn't a good man. To actually have to admit... that he is mean, and manipulative.. and he has a brain.. and that I can no longer give him excuses that he just doesn't see... that he could use his brain and figure it out.. but he refuses to. He's the meanest man I have ever met in my entire life.

He called me fat
He told me he was worried that he would cheat on me if I didn't lose weight
He told me that I'm not good in bed
He called me a slut
He told me it must be because I slept with so many dicks that my vagina is so loose
He told me that I just didn't understand men
He told me that I was overly sensitive
He told me that I was overly dramatic
He called me crazy
He told me he was embarrassed for me on numerous occasions
He told me that what I believe in was stupid
He told me I was crazy
He told me "what are you going to do about it, its my car.. and I pay for the rent... I have all the control... what are you going to do about it."
He made me feel sorry for him.
He told me he loved his ex fiance more than he could ever love me.
He left me on the side of the road.
Instead of appologizing he expected me to appologize.. and when I didn't... he drove away.. and that was the last time he lived here.

Yup... I can certainly say that no one has ever said most of those thngs to me... oh and did I mention he head butted me because I was freaking about about how unloved I felt.

and all this from a man who claimed he loved me.. who would send me flowers just to let me know he's thinking about me..
Who brought back a rock from an old mine because he knew how much I would appreciate it... I mean really? who brings back a rock... and whose girlfriend would appreciate it as much as me?
Who would write me love notes
Who would tell me how much he knew I could get through nursing school... man do I ever miss that... no one is telling me that right now.. and its hard to keep myself motivated.

this from a man that would dance around the kitchen and come over and kiss me... or who would teach me about the plants and nature.. who would laugh with me and go geocaching.. Who bought this colour flame stuff because he knew how much I would love it... every present he bought me was sentimental.. was exactly what I would want.... he put so much thought into making me happy.. when he wanted to make me happy.. and then he was so careless with his words. So careless with his anger.. as though I couldn't get hurt... as though it didn't matter.

He broke my heart... shattered it. It feels like a freight train plummeted into me.. and I miss him every day... but I have to tell myself. "NO" you cannot be with a man who hurts you so deeply.. just because they can be nice sometimes.. and that is freaking killing me. I will not beg. I will not ask. I'm not even talking to him anymore.

I've removed him.. and he's gone without a fight. It's weird.

But I guess in the end.. I just keep saying.. just get through this program... if you can do this... then you can do whatever you want after.

BC. YOGA. DANCE. BOXING. SURFING. LIVING IN THE COUNTRY. GARDEN. GUITAR. NICE CLOTHES. CAMPING SUPPLIES. KAYAK. CANOE. TRUCK. HEALTHY FOOD. TRAVEL. PHOTOGRAPHY - NEW CAMERA and PHOTOSHOP.

What I love to do costs money... I can't wait til I can afford the basics.

So ya... I have never been this emotionally disciplined in my entire life. Calm. Cenetered.. while everything else is off its rockers.

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