He just says it comes down to hope.. and if there is no hope we are miserable...
There was a moment last year where I was almost fighting with my boyfriend and my cousin... about that we are turning a new leaf that we need to care about other people, even the poeple in Africa, the poor, the incarcarated.. that we need to realie we are all the same... they were arguing that we are not all the same... and I couldn't articulate my point... because well, I guess for me it just makes sense.. I don't know how to explain it.. it just IS in my world....
we talked about humanity fucking up the eaerth and ourselves... and I always say that I have hope that we will all be able to finally turn a leaf and believe.. believe in ourselves and in eachother.. and make changes that we need to make in order to survive and prosper.... after much discussion I finally said.. it is hope.. I have to have hope, because at the end of the day, why would I even try if there was no hope.
I believe in cycles. I believe that your life is cycles.. cycles of the same thing until you break free.. and I have noticed being self reflective since very young that I could never see what I needed to change until I could see the pattern.... because it is not a harmful thing until you continue to choose the same pattern expecting a different result... and that is how I stopped sleeping with men. I realized that it was the pattern in my life.. sleeping with a guy, thinking that he was going to realie how awesome I am, and want to be with me... when I realized it wasn't that I was going to the bar a few nights a week, and sleeping with men that didn't really care for me... that I was the KIND OF PERSON that would do that.... that's when I realized that I no longer wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone who valued themselves more than that. So through the action was the feeling.
Only through doing it did I feel like I could.
I remember when I realied that the decision wasn't temporary.. that I had to make the decision for ever.... that was so scary for me... because I was scared, I was scared that I would never have sex again. That I could never find that man... I didn't even know what that A.looked like. But making that decision changed everything. I told the universe that I wanted more and I deserved more... and I got more. By changing my actions. I got what I wanted. .. by saying enough to that which I was addicted to.
It would be interesting to re read this blog from that time and see what I was really feeling.. because of all the times in my life I think I documented that relatively well....
So in this moment I really want to share something big in my life.. something I haven't even really been able to digest... well there are actually two things that I haven't really sat down with myself to feel.. to understand... so this may be as good a time as any. .. never mind... I'll share it later....I'll keep watching the show first.
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