Freedom

I have never felt so free. So alive. So thankful.

I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...

Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.

Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...

Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.

I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.

what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.

So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...

I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.

One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.

I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.

Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.

This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.

Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.

Man I'm scared.

Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.

I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.

I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox