I'm just starting to watch the oprah lifeclass with Bishop T.D. Jakes. I should start by saying that when I heard about the life class last year I was so excited, but it wasn't until this year that I finally started to watch it... mainly because my friend who had cut me out of her life last year came back... and it made me feel very confident in that I know what I am doing.. and that I do not waste my love.
So she's back, and she told me about the life class and it got me soo excited. So I watched the first episode at her house... and it resonated at my very core.
I've always felt that Oprah was put on this planet to help people see the truth..
I don't think I realized what that truth was until today when she said that she believes that everyone is worth the same... that's trully how I have felt at my very core... sometimes my behaviour doesn't reflect that.. and my desire to fit in, to be liked stops me from behaviour true to who I am.. but the older I get and the closer to myself I get the more I find the truth in that...
Something happened this past week.. and for the first time in my life, when someone came to complain about someone... I showed them the other side... so that both of my friends could make amends... now I know there is still something I have to work on because when one of the girls got mad and felt that I betrayed her I was angry... because I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be fair and understand that I wasn't doing anything vindictively.. I was doing what was right.
So Oprah... I've always looked up to her... when I was younger I thought I wanted to be her... I love talking to people, helping people and showing them the truth...
So here I am.. watching this show and Bishop T.D. Jakes talks about a purpose being the very thing that would make sense considering ALLLLLLLL the things that have happened in your life... that everything from our faults to our strengths... they all fit into something.. and the only way to find that is to not RESIST.... to flow with what life gives you...
I think that I have never been able to articulate what it is that I do.. but even in my darkest times.. I NEVER lost sight of listening... it is a weird time to look back.. because I still followed the whispers... there was a time there where I got a little lost.. but I think that in and of itself was something I had to go through... see the people that would be there for me. hmm..
anyways.. I listened to the whispers and I followed them.. and although all of this doesn't make any sense... it seems like I resist.. but not too badly... lol... and everytime that I come up against something that is really difficult I always say.. this is happening for a reason.. there is something here for you to learn.. it took a long time for me to start seeing myself for who I really am... and I still find myself scared... scared to recognize how much love I trully have in my heart.... wow.... that's what it is... I'm scared to see how much love I have... and the only people that make me mad in life are superficial people who can't see the truth... and I love them too.
So.... so far... I haven't gotten through much yet... but... so far when I think about whether I am following my purpose I feel like.. yes I have to be.... because not 2 months ago I was talking to my friend, a woman I have known since I was born. There are 3 of us, Ki, Kristen and myself. Our mother's were best friends. Each of us has had similar and different lives. we all have never gone to the same school until we all decided to go to the same university, where we all took International Development. In first year each one of us was in an alternative residence, Ki in eco house, Kristen in Arts house and me in International House. We lived in the same city, but still hung out from time to time. We have maintained our friendship for 29 years.. always in different places... sometimes not talking forever.. but always close. Ki and I were talking and we were talking about her mom, and she asked if I had known that her mom had been in foster care when she was young and I said no. We agreed it was really interesting that she is a social worker and that's what she does everyday.. work with children in foster care. I thought, isn't that interesting, Kristen's dad was an imigrant, and she was just promoted to head that Immigration Services devision of the YMCA. And, me... my mother was the one who KNEW about alternative therapies... and here I am, fighting.. lol with all my might... naw... here I am, embracing the fact that I was born to be in health care... I feel in my bones that my ultimate calling is to create a union between alternative and traditional therapies... the thing is I got to get crackalacking if I'm going to fulfill that purpose.. and the quest is so daunting. I feel like if I really wanted to fulfill my purpose it would be to completely delve into this education and spend no other moments of my life than learning everything I can about health, and alternative health... find out the FACTS. LEARN the TRUTH. it's funny... I've had that feeling, but writing it down on paper is a completely different thing (it's weird how uncomfortable it is to say paper... doesn't sound the same to say 'but typing it out on the screen'... not the same... I digress)
I feel it in my soul.. that I am smart enough that I could maybe even pull it off... but I'm scared.. I'm scared to be wrong.. I'm scared ...hmm.. I'm scared of the truth, and of that not alligning with my beliefs... lol... well that's weird... then there's this voice in me that says, yes but then atleast you'll find out the truth.. and really.. HOW SCARY IS THAT? then you will know..and more than likely you will learn that you are right, and FINALLY You wll have the evidence that you need to know that you are right... and your mom was right... and you trully are of value even if you took an interesting road to get there...
I truly believe that your life does exactly what it is supposed to do... and even though I have struggles it has been through all my struggles that I found my way here... and if I hadn't been through everything... well I wouldn't be a good nurse.
It's how I feel about J... that we all try to rush our futures, but the universe gives us exactly what we need to learn.. and who am I to say I know what I want... I want to grow, and that is exactly what I have. The trick is... figuring out what it is you are meant to learn. Every situation has a lesson if you are willing to look... and everytime you want to change you have to understand the conversation will happen a few times til the shift completely happens... we all fall back into the same pattern.. its cause we know what we know.. and we don't listen to the internal voice enough... we get inspired, and excited, and then we talk ourselves out of it.. we tell ourselves we can't because of a thousand excuses... so don't worry... but I have.. in my experiences learned a trick... any consistent complaint you have.... is something to look at. Anything that you notice in other people.. the thing that drives you crazy about someone else is something inside of you that may want to be free.
Every human being has EVERY componant of being human in them. We are all capable of everything... it is our hearts that keep us on track. our heads get scared. our hearts know.
I always tell myself... anytime i do something that scares me... when I am older will I regret doing this... or regret not doing this... and when I say I'll regret not doing it... when it scares me the most.. I always try to do it... there still are quite a few things that I still can't get to that point about... but its a trick I have tried to implement in my life and when I use it... it has always been something i never regret.
ok.. well that was an ineresting stream of thought.. back to the class.
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