Day 4

I knew this wasn't going to be easy... and right now is the first of those many waves. It's a small wave.. but it is there none-the-less.Coupled with exhaustion, and frustration for missing a chemistry lab because of lack of planning on my own part... definitely plays a role in my feeling the lack of control that is starting to bubble up inside me...

What is this like? you ask. It's trying to kick a habit, an addiction, I'm sure.... but its an emotional addiction that hides itself under the surface.... Now, I am not going through crazy hard feelings right now, just a feeling like I don't know what to do with myself... I just want to get drunk and make the feeling go away...

In the past when I start feeling like this I mistake it for loneliness, and I go out to the bar, distract myself with beer and people, and then, hopefully find someone who wants to share my bed and make me feel not so alone...

Knowing, simply knowing that I can't go to that space anymore scares me... let alone when I actually feel that way. I want so badly to preoccupy my time with stupid chatter, going on POF and trying to find someone to talk to, that I KNOW, won't lead anywhere... its difficult to realize that you've been hurting your self for so many years that you can't even see it any more.

When I told one of my friends that I had decided to not have any interactions with men, aside from conversations with friends... but no seeking male attention of any kind, she said " well you don't have to do that, just be aware of your interactions, watch them, observe how you are... " I said" I can't"

what I realize is that my interactions with men have spiralled down the rabbit hole, and are at a point now where my neutral ground is so far in the negative, that what I think a positive interaction is still in the negative. My perception of what is going on is not in fact what is going on....

We've all heard that it's in the interpretation, its weird to start realizing that your interpretation is out of distorted goggles, that your view of something is completely squewed... it is also difficult to, despite the fact that you know this... when you can't explain it, articulate it.... its so hard to forge through, believe that you have it right, because of course, I could be completely wrong...

there's this tension that lies in the middle of my chest.... its the feeling right before a panic attack, the heaviness.... it's light... but someone once told me that panic is the feeling you get when you supress your emotions, when you don't want to let them out, its not being in control...

that's how I feel, out of control....

it's weird, I think that perhaps my interactions with men is how I attempted to gain control of the situation... as a kid and a teenager, I never had guys interested in me, so I finally took it upon myself to make things happen... I pursue men, I make it easy for them to pursue me, to make out with me, to sleep with me... I make the game easy, so that It actually happens.... that's where it started.... and now its become habit, I don't even realize, or see, that I made that choice, that I made that happen... that I made the game easy, and in so doing, made the outcome less and less enjoyable, to the point now where when I sleep with a guy I don't even care.... I don't expect him tocall or write, and if he does, there are 2 out comes... either I find something terribly wrong with him, and I run the other way... or 2. I just sleep with him, I make myself completely available to him, and make sleeping together how I validate myself....

ah its so sad... what my mother would think if she were able to see.... she would be so sad for me, that I let myself get to this point... to see how much I devalued myself... how I don't cherish myself.

So control, realizing... or at least starting to realize that this is all about control, control over my own life, removing these situations makes me feel like I'm not in control, and sends my brain running around in panic mode.... perhaps that feeling isn't my brain though? perhaps its my ego trying to regain control of the situation.... man its sooo hard to figure this shit out.

I had a fantasy last night... a fantasy that for the first time in my life I had sex and it meant something... that it was special, and loving and kind, and passionate, and important. That I met a man who was sensitive to the sacredness of it all. That I was at a point where I could actually be vulnerable with someone and make love.

It's difficult to imagine that I have never had sex where it means anything to the other person. That I have shared myself, and my body with countless men who don'tcare about me... and to be honest, that I don't even care about....

It's bizarre to realize that I have come so far that I just don't care anymore.. I don't care about the men, I rarely remember them, it just becomes another blur.

There was a time where I remembered everything about my life.. and now every day sort of runs in to the other... I'm not present in my own life.... This is my attempt to regain myself, be present, and reclaim my body, my mind and my spirit.

It doesn't make it any easier, when there's hope but no assured outcome... I hate doing anything unless I know that its going to turn out... I hate the risk...I want to be in control... and yet... here I am... feeling like I'm losing it... for the hope that I get it all back, but this time in a different, more empowered way...

doesn't make right now any easier though :(

Day 1....part 2.

I always say you must tackle all that which is difficult in your life, if you are scared of something then that means you should do it... that you should laugh in the face of fear and show yourself that you can do it anyways... no matter how scary it is.... so here I am, finally tackling probably the hardest thing in my life.... men.

Today is the first day of no men, at all.... no seeking of male attention in anyway. Day one... and I am completely and utterly lost...

I can't even tell you how aweful I feel right now... I feel depressed. Its 3pm, and I have laid in bed this whole time.... 15 hours. I feel like I used to feel years ago when I would just not get out of bed, ski school, or skip work... just get stuck behind my sadness.... every time I would wake up I would run through all the reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.... and here I am, feeling the exact same way.... when absolutely nothing has happened!

It's sooo weird. Its not like it was the weekend, and I am trying to avoid circumstances where I will be seeking male attention.. nope, just school... and I am incredibly depressed. Like I have no freaking idea what to do with myself... like this has been running me my whole life... and I have no idea what to do with myself without this to run me.. eveything I do is about "will I find him" "where is he" , "if I don't go out tonight, maybe I'll miss him.." it's like a tape on repeat.... for 9 years... same shit, all the time.

I feel so sad for me.... all the talk, all the thinking that I've changed, all the hope... and yet, nothing had changed.... I would still go out, pick up and sleep with some ass hole that didn't give a shit about me... but I obviously didn't give a shit about me either.... How deluded we all are to our own behavior... how unbelievably in denial about the things that we do on repeat a thousand times....

What I'm holding on to is.... someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome... well at least, if nothing changes, this is at least something new.... I'm trying something new, and at least that's a change.

OK...I have to go at least study today, so I'm not so incredibly wasteful with my day.

next thing to tackle.... smoking. fuck.

Day 1.

I realize that I am in complete and utter denial about how I treat myself. I have no clue what I am doing to myself... and I perpetuate all the negative things in my life because of the way I am being. I am constantly looking inside and trying to figure out WHY, what causes me to be the way I am and how to fix myself.... I talk to avoid... and I don't REALLY want to see what's going on or change... I get something out of it that I'M not even really clear about right now, and its terrifying.

I've been single for 5 years. 5 Years, and I have completely convinced myself that that is ok. I have completely convinced myself that my behaviour with men is ok and that I don't really care what they think of me.... I am in so much denial, I can't even see it.. but I know its there, and for that I am so thankful.

I constantly seek the attention of men, whether its positive or negative, and I don't even notice myself doing it....

This weekend, I talked to a really good friend of mine that is going through a similar transformation and the clarity that I am getting is profound...

I was telling her a story of the most recent guy I slept with.... we had slept together in the spring and ran into eachother, and one thing lead to another, I was heading home to sleep with him. Completely straight up, knew what was going to happen... we had good sex, soft, sensual sex... and then in the morning when he drove me home I asked if we were going ot exchange numbers. H told me that he wouldn't take mine, but he would give me his... he didn't want to take my number because "I'm just in a spot in my life where I know I won't call you"... ok.... "well I'll take yours then and call you sometime for a booty call.. deal?" "ok"... he gave me his number... to which I texted that night and the next day, only to find out it was the wrong number.

In the past I would have been sooo upset, so yes I have been making some progress... but told myself it must have been a mistake.... on thursday night I ran into him at the bar... walked right over to him and said "did you purposfully give me the wrong number"
"no"
"ok, well I've been texting the wrong number"
"oh" awkward silence
"well can I get your right number"
"no"
"so did you intentionally give me the wrong number"
"no, but I thought about it after and I don't want anything else ot happen between us."
"ok? you know I just want to sleep with you right? nothing more?"
"ya, but.."
"so that's it?"
awkward silence
"I'm going back to my friends now, ok?"
"ok... bye"

I told my friend this, and she says "why don't y ou walk around back of yourself and kickyourself in the back?"

"What?" I replied...

I didn't see it... I thought here I was not taking crap from another guy.. and she was like... yes you are.. you totally put yourself in a position where he was treating you like crap.. you made him, to your face tell you he wasn't interested...

I couldn't see it, I still can barely see it, I completel rationalize it away in my head....

The rest of the weekend was continuously talking about self love, and getting real with yourself...

At the end of the time with her I felt like there is no way I can go home after spending the whole weekend talking about this shit and go back to the same old bull shit... that I Have to make a chage... and my ego is going crazy right now.

every mean thing it could say is being said
"there's no way you can succeed"
"you need to have a guy in your life"
"there's nothing wrong with having sex and it not matter"
"you can never go 6 months without any male attention"
blah blah blah

and then there's this tiny little voice hidden behind it all that says"you can do this, I'm so excited for you... we can have fun again!" its like my inner child jumping up and down and the excitement of being able to live again and be free...

I'm terrified.

I've decided to not listen to my ego and go 6 months without sleeping with any guys... and after talking to my room mate... that means, not even seeking attention from guys... to take it one day at a time... one day...and just try.

I have no idea how I am going to do this... I totally equate male attention with my own value, and if I'm not seeking it, if I am not looking for it, or accepting it... I have no idea where that value is going to come from... but I am determined to get off this fucking roller coaster ride.... and I know the only answer is to love myself... and treat myself with respect, take care of myself and not allow myself to equate my own worth to whether someone is paying attention to me...

so. tomorrow is day one.

I have gone through my phone and facebook and deleted all the men that I would call for a booty call.... or just to get attention from. Most guys were fine.. but a couple of them. Its so hard, because I want them to want me.. I want them to like me... and I know that when I delete them, I will never hear from them again.

I am hiding my plenty of fish account.... because I am not ready to delete it...

I am terrified, I am scared that I can't do this.. that in 2 days I am going to text some one or invite someone over. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. I am scared that at the end of this.. if I put 100% and actually get to 6 months/year without sleeping, or even kissing a single man, nothing will have changed. I will still be exactly here, and still single. That it will all be in vain.... deep down I know that won't be the truth, but that's how I feel right now... I feel like its the biggest mountain EVER! I am so overwhelmed... how the fuck am I going to do this.

I'm going to try my best to document this journey....
INTENSE.
A.

new insight....

It's interesting how we bounce back and forth as we grow and move forward, how we slip up from time to time... how we beat ourselves up for not being the person we want or think we should be....

every time I come to this blog now I feel like I am in a completely different place than the last time.. and yet I know that it's just a different day, and there still are days where I feel like those other posts...

lately I've been incredibly introspective, trying to look at my ways of being that haven't been working, and how I can change them... one thing that I have been starting to do is really being aware of how much time I spend being negative, especially towards myself... and making small changes to try and rectify that...

I'm starting to get some of the anecdotes that people have been saying for years... but I just wasn't in a place where I could really get them... like take care of yourself first.... now that's one that I just never got... and now I am realizing.... albeit, slowly, that if you respect yourself, you take care of yourself, and have the ability to respect and take care of others...

One thing I am very aware of is how hard I am on myself... and yet I am a very happy person, so I can't help but feel sad for those people who are negative, and how mean they must be to themselves....

In light of this new awareness, I am trying to be more dedicated to appreciating myself and being more kind to myself... so as a result, every time that I catch myself saying mean things or negative things, I immediately say the opposite.. in my head of course.. and even though I may not believe it, I'm trying to train myself to think differently.... hoping that it will cause a shift inside me, where I really, trully, love myself.

A perfect example of this in action was last week I wanted to go to the gym, and wanted to rride my bike... after thinking that I immediately said, it's too far, it's too difficult, its too hot, you can't do it.... there's a very large hill between here and the gym and I am incredibly intimidated by this hill... but more, I'm concerned with what I would look like panting up this hill, or if I got off my bike and walked.... it's rediculous, really... I spend so much time thinking about what's in other people's heads, despite the fact that I have no idea.. and probably don't give me on my bike a second thought...

anyways, as soon as I realized I was being negative I said, its not far, its not hard, its not too hot and you can do it... and I got on my bike and did.

Its the little things and I am making huge steps forward...

With regards to men, I have been having revelations lately... not only with regards to myself, but as a result with regards to men... and I have decided that I know what I want in a relationship. I want it to be easy.. I want to just be gotten, and I REFUSE to listen to those people that say it will never happen.... because I have come to the conclusion, that I would really be ok not being in a relationship than being in a relationship that isn't working.

I have accepted that I know myself better than anyone else, and that I respect myself enough to not try and convince myself to be any different than I am...

What's funny about that statement, is that by accepting myself as I am, and respecting what I want... I am in fact changing who I am and how I am.... but I am gaining so much confidence and strength.. I feel way more grounded... and hopeful for the future.

sex.... damn you.

So... I am having a dilemma today.. and most days for that matter.... sex... I swear if it weren't for sex I would have much better control of my life. I think about it a debilitating amount of times a day. Sometimes my skin crawls because I want it so badly, physically its a craving to be close to someone else, and to release the energy that's built up inside me.... I don't know how to let it go without having sex... and so I find myself, drinking, picking up at the bar, and havig sex with a complete stranger.... or in last nights case, trying, with no success and then finding myself walking home alone.... and waking up in the morning feeling almost crazy, because I still haven't found someone...

I don't think its normal... although I wish someone would tell me its normal, and help me figure out a way to satisfy that urge inside me....

You know what just popped into my head... is that I didn't feel this way last week when i was going to yoga.... maybe, that helps??? Maybe excercise in any form would help me atleast a little.... man I hate this feeling, its like it controls me.... I want to cry its so frustrating... the worst is sometimes when I feel this way, I do have sex, and I'm still not satisfied.... I just want more...

Sex can sometimes be soooo unsatisfying in itself. I have a really difficult time orgasming... my fantasies usually consist of being tied down or held down some how, being forced to orgasm.... I can very rarely just cum... and I hate that, because that's where the release is. and yet, its like I bottle everything up and can't get it out... all this energy is festering inside me... eating at me... making me feel soooo frustrated.

anyways.... I felt like I had to write how I was feeling today.... somewhere.. so I chose here... I know. Random.

Oh the summer...

I haven't read what the last post was... but I think I wrote about my detox... I did it, I completed it.. I felt great and then I lost all my motivation.. and have been just surviving again...

That's what I tend to do... the roller coaster of life... I wish there was just a switch in my head that I could turn off, or on if you will.. and be the person I want to be, but the demons inside me always have the ability to creep back in and I lose all clarity I had before..

The summer has proven to be interesting, I have had 2 flings, one lasting about 2 months, and it ended in us deciding to just be friends...at first I was hurt by the rejection I was feeling, but, then the more we hung out as friends, the more I realized i didn't even really like this guy.... and so have moved on, without being hurt...

The second guy was a one night stand that turned into us hanging out a few times, him dropping in at the bar and hanging out with me.. then finally going to a movie last week. It felt like we were becoming some sort of relationship... and then when I asked he reiterated that he thinks we should just be friends...

I was really confronted with it... cause just being friends scares me... but I suppose I have nothing to lose...

then this weekend I lost my job... get completely wasted and ended up bringing a guy home.... to my horror I have no idea what happened once we got home... I woke up on my sofa, and he was gone... the most uncomfortable feeling I think I have ever had... since, I told a friend and she wrote me a letter getting mad at me for not respecting myself and allowing men to just use me...

So here I am, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me... I just looked up this sexuality map online... http://www.humansexmap.com/ and to my great thrill I'm not as fucked as I thought, cause most of the stuff on that list I have more or less disgusted with...

I think now that my need for one night stands doesn't have much to do with self hatred, or low self esteem, although I'm sure there is still a little self esteem issues that are tied up in it all, I think its more just habit now.. I have no idea how to just give a guy my number and go home bymyself... I am addicted to continuing the night through sexual gratification... and what bothers me is not the amount of men that I have slept with but rather, that I don't value sex enough to want to wait for someone that actually cares about me... I just don't care. It's this complete disassociation with the intimacy.. and I have no idea how to get it back...

I've decided to try and start doing yoga a few days a week, and hopefully that will help rebalance mind body and spirit....

I really have no idea what to do...

but thought I would write this, because at the end of this crazy journey, someone has got to be able to feel some sort of relatability... and hopefully, knowing that someone else has been there will atleast help a little...

The voice in my heart says that I should stop having sex completely.. and when I feel the need, to just sit with it... explore what the feeling truly is, where it emanates from, and why it exists.. and maybe that will enable me to pass through it, to a place where my sexuality doesn't run me... but that it is simply a part of me that I can control...

I think that's all I want... to know that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality, but rather that I am not at the mercy of it...

I know i am most definately moving in the right direction....but this set back from the weekend, feels like I'm back to my same old destructive behaviour which feels far more debilitating... like I'm defeated.... that something else controls me... not me...

You are in control.....you are in control... you are in control.

If someday.. why not today?

So, for years and years I have been telling myself that I will lose weight.. get healthy. And days pass, weeks pass, months pass, years pass. So here I am, 27 and still with the health issues I have always had, well atleast in my adult life.

I decided this fall to pursue a career in Naturopathic Medicine. For many reasons, but one reason is because it feels right in my bones... my apprehention, besides money and time lay in the idea that I am not that person yet, I smoke, I drink, I'm overweight, I still have one night stands from time to time....

But.. I realized that in becoming a Naturopath, I would become the person I want to be....

So, I've been back in school now for 4 months... the 4 months were a complete roller coaster ride, from freaking out and feeling overwhelmed, to getting 95 on a Chemistry midterm and feeling like a superstar! I've battled with all my issues over the past 4 months, from lonliness, missing mom, missing my ex cause I am back in the town that we lived in together and the last time I was here was when I found out he was cheating on me and packed up all my shit...

I've spent nights, drunk, stoned, morrnings in bed with complete strangers, have had amazing conversations, and not so amazing conversations, and have been surprised by many of the kids I go to school with.

In the past 4 months I think I have finally started to put to rest many of my demons... like a purge.

Which leads me to this week.

I've been telling myself for years that I am going to change... do a cleanse, and quit smoking, and every time I plan on it, something comes up.. my girlfriends are going out for a big celebration, its a long weekend, its my birthday, its a holiday... there's always an excuse and so I put it off...

With smoking... I told my cousin that smoking was like a crutch for me...like my legs had been broken, and smoking supported me... I started when I was 16 to fit in... to have friends, to be able to make friends, and it has served me well, I have met so many people standing outside having a smoke, asking for a light, or just starting random conversation.... they were my crutches, like so many of my vices are... they are a way for me to feel like I belong.

And so now, at 27 my legs have healed, I am strong and confident...but I`ve been walking with these crutches for so long, that I`m not confident enough to walk on my own 2 legs... until this week...

On Friday I said... if someday... why not today?

I have this vision of myself.. for the first time.. I can actually see myself as this thin, strong, beautiful woman inspiring people by who I am just BEING.
So it's day 5. No alcohol, No wheat, No dairy, No gluten, no sugar... for 21 days.

As for smoking, I've been cutting down over the past 4 days, and yesterday I had 1..... so today is the first day I am going to try to go the entire day without a smoke.

Everytime I feel like this is too much, or want to say that its hard... I say to myself... "you are in charge.. you get to decide.. it's your life, either you make it easy or you make it difficult, which one is it going to be?"

I really believe that my weight and health is at the crux of my issues.. that I've been unhealthy because I've had low self esteem, and I have had low self esteem because I've been unhealthy. So now that I have built up enough self esteem to get me through, I can tackle the weight... which I am sure will just add to my self esteem. I feel so good right now, tackling this... finally!

On Saturday I went to the gym, and I was 211 lbs. ... my goal is 160lbs
So I'll hopefully write on here and talk about what I'm going through... the journey that is the new A.

crazy!!

clarity

there are moments in my life that I am clear. Everything seems clear to me... and then in an instant the clarity disappears and I am left here... now.

When I'm clear its like I step outside myself... my thoughts aren't bombarded with all the experience.. its like my thoughts are new.. untainted and uncynical...

I am writing this in the middle of losing the clarity...

but atleast I feel like i have it right now.. so I am going to write...

I went back to school 9 weeks ago... I haven't put pen to paper in as long...

it's weird how that happens, I have very little documentation of big transitions in my life... it's almost like I avoid writing it down... why? I have no idea...

but I want to... so here it is...

Things have changed formidably for me in the past year... I am a different person... and yet I am the same...

there's too much background info... but here is where I am...

I have changed a lot in the past little while... but the one thing that has gone back to the same old same old.. is having one night stands.

I thought I was past this... I really did.. I thought I had learned confidence, I had healed parts of me I didn't even know I needed healing... I had a feeling about myself that i was confident, calm, collected... and beautiful... and that that would help me move past this stage of my life... where I enjoy it sooo much, but in enjoying it I disrespect myself, and don't feel like I'm better than that....

which is painful.. because I know I do.... but maybe I don't yet in my heart..

anyways, sitting here, at the end of the night... without having anyone to sleep with, without having anyone to call, being lonely..

I looked... just for a second of clarity... why it is that I have been single for so long.

And in my moment of clarity.. I realized that I am soooooooooooooooo too intense for men. Maybe I am wrong and that most women are like me... I have no way of knowing... but I believe from my experience that the truth is.. I am too intense...
i get close to people really fast... guys tell me shit about themselves they don't tell anyone... spending a night with me is passionate, interesting, fun, and intense... and maybe that's why it never goes anywhere... because there's too much there already.... it's scary.

well even if I am wrong...

As a result... I will be single until I find someone who is as passionate, as confident, and understands that I can be incredibly intense... and that has to be ok.

So that's all I have today.
A.

coming into being...

I came on here because I wanted to write what was going on for me, and then I read my last post, and remembered what it was about, and am moved at my own growth and am left wondering what I wanted to write in the first place.

So much has happened in the past few weeks... I am making peace with so many parts of my life.. and making peace with myself... with my fears, my frustrations, and in so doing I am becoming more aware of the light inside of me.. and my purpose... who I was born to be.

I am scared of failing.. all the time... and yet, finally I have the strength to look past that fear and start to move towards who I know myself to be. Strong, Loving, Kind, Intelligent, Successful, HEALTHY.

I've decided to go back to school... to pursue the gifts that I was given at birth... and was scared to go after.. to incorporate all that my mother passed on to me.. all that I hold in my heart, my love, my knowledge and my dedication.. I am embracing my path in life and its thrilling.

As for men... things have been starting to shift for me... slowly. I still have my moments where I seek the attention of men to cover up something else in my heart. But I am getting better at my choices, and forgiving myself for my shortcomings.

I'm also learning to let the drama go.... also very slowly. When drama shows up in my life I am quicker to diffuse the upset in my heart and not bombard those around me with my own angst. Learning how to not take things so seriously and personally. I'm still growing!

Life is such an interesting series of events.. all that got me to this place had to happen.. all the sads, all the happys... all the failures and all the successes... all the moments where I wished it was different.. have all pushed me forward through time and space to this moment. And although there are a few things that I would like changed, I finally understand that the struggles create space to learn, to grow and shift the path of life.

I am surrounded by so much love... its amazing.

Thank-you for the love.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a moment.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for an hour...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a week...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a month....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a season....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a year...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a decade..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for eternity...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a moment...

Everyday I see love...or am blessed by feeling love in my heart... my heart is so warmed.. and I am comforted... however, what almost automaticall comes from that love is the comeplete and utter fear of losing that love... having it dissapear into the abyss of existance.. as fast as it came...

I try desperately to hold on to love.. only to have it dissapear faster than it came...

Allowing love to come.. in and then out is an art, I have yet to master... it is so easy to start wondering what you did wrong to lose the love... what you did wrong.. self-pitty... self deprication... self-hate...

it is such a gift to feel that intense love from and for another human being.. even for a split second... why oh why are we so crushed at the loss of it? Why not embrace how lucky we were to experience it?

I always feel ripped off it was love for just a short time... and then I came up with this in my head...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was for just a moment...

...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was just for an eternity...

because its all perspective... a moment is in itlsef eternity.. and instead of grieving the loss of something so special we should all be so thankful love found us in that moment.. that for a brief time we created that devine space for GOD.. for love, for the devine to show up in our lives..

And I also must thank-you for giving me the space to be me.. and let me love you... cause you also created that perfect moment.. even it was for just a moment...

I wonder if we've been playing htis game through lifetimes... teasing eachother... showing up at the perfect time to remind eachother that love... deep.. unconditional, heart stopping breath taking away kind of love is out there... we just have to be available.. and accept its timing in our lives...

I also am learning that love can show up in so many different ways.. and to stop only seeing love as one specific manifestation. Love is everywhere.. no matter how scared you are. From a smile, to a sweet smell, to a wink, a touch, a look, a kiss, a tear, an orgasm, a breath, a word, a call, and even silence... love shows up in the form of people trying to protect us from themselves. Even though it hurts... to accept this kind of love is exceptional, because its being greatful for something that doesn't seem great.... but if you see the love... then all is again right in the world...

So... I say..

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for an hour.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a day.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a weekend.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for one week.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a month.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a season.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a year.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for a decade.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if was just for a lifetime.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for eternity.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment.