Oh the summer...

I haven't read what the last post was... but I think I wrote about my detox... I did it, I completed it.. I felt great and then I lost all my motivation.. and have been just surviving again...

That's what I tend to do... the roller coaster of life... I wish there was just a switch in my head that I could turn off, or on if you will.. and be the person I want to be, but the demons inside me always have the ability to creep back in and I lose all clarity I had before..

The summer has proven to be interesting, I have had 2 flings, one lasting about 2 months, and it ended in us deciding to just be friends...at first I was hurt by the rejection I was feeling, but, then the more we hung out as friends, the more I realized i didn't even really like this guy.... and so have moved on, without being hurt...

The second guy was a one night stand that turned into us hanging out a few times, him dropping in at the bar and hanging out with me.. then finally going to a movie last week. It felt like we were becoming some sort of relationship... and then when I asked he reiterated that he thinks we should just be friends...

I was really confronted with it... cause just being friends scares me... but I suppose I have nothing to lose...

then this weekend I lost my job... get completely wasted and ended up bringing a guy home.... to my horror I have no idea what happened once we got home... I woke up on my sofa, and he was gone... the most uncomfortable feeling I think I have ever had... since, I told a friend and she wrote me a letter getting mad at me for not respecting myself and allowing men to just use me...

So here I am, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me... I just looked up this sexuality map online... http://www.humansexmap.com/ and to my great thrill I'm not as fucked as I thought, cause most of the stuff on that list I have more or less disgusted with...

I think now that my need for one night stands doesn't have much to do with self hatred, or low self esteem, although I'm sure there is still a little self esteem issues that are tied up in it all, I think its more just habit now.. I have no idea how to just give a guy my number and go home bymyself... I am addicted to continuing the night through sexual gratification... and what bothers me is not the amount of men that I have slept with but rather, that I don't value sex enough to want to wait for someone that actually cares about me... I just don't care. It's this complete disassociation with the intimacy.. and I have no idea how to get it back...

I've decided to try and start doing yoga a few days a week, and hopefully that will help rebalance mind body and spirit....

I really have no idea what to do...

but thought I would write this, because at the end of this crazy journey, someone has got to be able to feel some sort of relatability... and hopefully, knowing that someone else has been there will atleast help a little...

The voice in my heart says that I should stop having sex completely.. and when I feel the need, to just sit with it... explore what the feeling truly is, where it emanates from, and why it exists.. and maybe that will enable me to pass through it, to a place where my sexuality doesn't run me... but that it is simply a part of me that I can control...

I think that's all I want... to know that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality, but rather that I am not at the mercy of it...

I know i am most definately moving in the right direction....but this set back from the weekend, feels like I'm back to my same old destructive behaviour which feels far more debilitating... like I'm defeated.... that something else controls me... not me...

You are in control.....you are in control... you are in control.