clarity

there are moments in my life that I am clear. Everything seems clear to me... and then in an instant the clarity disappears and I am left here... now.

When I'm clear its like I step outside myself... my thoughts aren't bombarded with all the experience.. its like my thoughts are new.. untainted and uncynical...

I am writing this in the middle of losing the clarity...

but atleast I feel like i have it right now.. so I am going to write...

I went back to school 9 weeks ago... I haven't put pen to paper in as long...

it's weird how that happens, I have very little documentation of big transitions in my life... it's almost like I avoid writing it down... why? I have no idea...

but I want to... so here it is...

Things have changed formidably for me in the past year... I am a different person... and yet I am the same...

there's too much background info... but here is where I am...

I have changed a lot in the past little while... but the one thing that has gone back to the same old same old.. is having one night stands.

I thought I was past this... I really did.. I thought I had learned confidence, I had healed parts of me I didn't even know I needed healing... I had a feeling about myself that i was confident, calm, collected... and beautiful... and that that would help me move past this stage of my life... where I enjoy it sooo much, but in enjoying it I disrespect myself, and don't feel like I'm better than that....

which is painful.. because I know I do.... but maybe I don't yet in my heart..

anyways, sitting here, at the end of the night... without having anyone to sleep with, without having anyone to call, being lonely..

I looked... just for a second of clarity... why it is that I have been single for so long.

And in my moment of clarity.. I realized that I am soooooooooooooooo too intense for men. Maybe I am wrong and that most women are like me... I have no way of knowing... but I believe from my experience that the truth is.. I am too intense...
i get close to people really fast... guys tell me shit about themselves they don't tell anyone... spending a night with me is passionate, interesting, fun, and intense... and maybe that's why it never goes anywhere... because there's too much there already.... it's scary.

well even if I am wrong...

As a result... I will be single until I find someone who is as passionate, as confident, and understands that I can be incredibly intense... and that has to be ok.

So that's all I have today.
A.