you are in others, others are in you. FB convo

I posted this picture on my facebook today, this is the conversation that ensued. I felt I articulated myself well so felt that it was an appropriate post. 

• S:  I don't believe that. I resent child abusers and rapists. I resent acts of violence against defenseless people and animals. I resent greed. Bigotry. Racism and homophobia. All of these things I strongly react to...and they are not a part of who I am.

  
  
• J: Touché, 
  But this thought totally joins with my theory on the causes of homophobia.

  
  
• 

  Me:  it;s recognizing that you have that in you.. that you have the ability to be ignorant and thus cause pain to others..... that your pain and your reactions to it are the same as others..... that for the most part you choose to conduct yourself in a way that is in alignment with love... but regardless you still have the crappy parts buried inside you.... we are no different than anyone else... our life experience just brings different human responses to the surface... but being human doesn't change from person to person.
• J: -  "We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." - Anais Nin.

  
  
• ME :  I held the same belief you did for years...the exercise is more the day to day things.... the more I look at the things that I react to, the more I let go of what I react to, allowing myself the space to be happy...i actually watch whenever something bothers me... and ask myself if it;s something I do too...but can't admit to... and usually - it is..even if it's something i did a a child who didn't know better... . like getting upset about the dishes not being done...they are not done because I haven't done them... anything I am upset about brings awareness to parts of myself that I don't particularly like... hate for an abuser is no different than the abusers hate for themselves.. it perpetuates the pain.. and eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.... is a very REAL statement... .. if you had grown up being tortured with no love.... you too may have grown up to be an asshole. babies are not born to hate.... they learn that.... compassion is the only way to peace. the only way. and the only way that happens is to become fully integrated into yourself and realize that being human is the human experience... that you reside in everyone and everyone resides in you.... the moment you know how to defeat your enemy is the moment you love them. true... and horribly difficult to accept. BUT it's all a balance.... and you know your own truth.... whatever works for you is the best way.... this is just what I have come to accept over the past year.... and I am happier than I have ever been... but that's all the evidence I have... my own experience. love you. xoxoxoxox

  
  
•  I have been trying to cultivate this kind of compassion within myself lately as well. It is so healing to be able to hold your temper when something upsets you and instead try to see the truth behind the other person's actions. 
  You are such a nurturing little sage, Amanda 

  
  
• S: she really is. 

  
  
• Me: thanks for letting me share, I know what I think is quite weird and abstract... but I have learned so much about being human over the past few years.. and its an evolution...I appreciate being able to attempt to articulate all the thoughts in my head in a way that is palatable and still respects the idea that those kind of negative actions are wrong... I suppose I chew little pieces.... I'll share two realizations that I have had recently - they are raw thoughts and I haven't figured out how to completely accept them yet.. or even if they are fully the truth... BUT. 1. I fight with myself and others when I can;t let go of people that hurt me. 2. I get so angry when someone hurts me that I know loves/adores me. Both of these realizations have been looong drawn out conversations with myself and the conclusions I have come to hypothesize about myself... and consequently others is: 1. I love unconditionally and I have been hating myself and the universe for making me the kind of person that would love someone when they have done attrociously mean things to me. 2. I have always trusted people off the bat and it breaks my heart when someone makes a mistake big enough to get me to stop trusting them.... I hate not being able to trust people I love and thus have hated myself for wanting to stop trusting them. and so have spent years trying to find that trust again within myself... battling over keeping people in my life that are so disconnected from their heart and so unconscious that they behave in a way that directly hurts me. The truth is, they don't trust themselves and because of their own fears its a space in their behaviour that they are directly unconscious of... and perhaps? I can finally reach a point where I value my own ability to assess situations in a reasonable way that allows me the freedom to love others, even those that cause hurt -

  
  
• Me:  well that was an intense moment inside my head, trying to articulate that... the second was a thought I had last night... so it's the first time I've written it down.

  
  

update - February - SOOOO IN LOVE

It's amazing how the roller coaster has gone down over the past couple of months.... I am sooo in love and I've been soo low and sooo high in the past 2 months.... getting fired from a receptionsit job left me feeling reasonably suicidal.. but what I have come to see that my lows don't last for more than an afternoon now.. I finally, have the capacity to find the lesson, the positive the space to be thankful for uncomfortable experiences quicker than ever before, which is leading me more and more in to the arms of happiness.. and for that I am always greatful.

My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...

I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.

*****
Mr. Smith, 

I have a faint recollection that your birthday is in February and if I remember correctly.... you may in fact be turning 40 this year.... you popped into my head today and so I thought I would send you a early/belated birthday message :)

I hope things are working themselves out for you and that life is finally starting to look up. 

I am rediculously in love ... fantasizing about Saturday market days, growing flowers in the garden and eventually finishing nursing school. 

My friend Jules and I have gotten considerably closer in the past month and she is moving up here just got a puppy and is going to take some repose at our house and help with decorating and making the space more homey. She was offered a job on Haida Gwaii - the queen charlotte islands... and told me that she would love if I came with her when I am done school.... so that seems how the trip out west will unfold..... all in its right timing. 

I finally just got a job as a PSW at the local retirement home which basically means I play games with old people during my shifts.. which is so much fun.. and I have an interview this Friday with an organization that supports young adults with learning difficulties which I am suuuper stoked about because it seems like it's an organization that may actually support who I am, so that's cool. 

My best friend is having a baby shower this weekend  so J.A. and I are heading there... I am soooo excited. I have known this woman since we were born. Our mother's were best friends....(this is the girl who got married last new years) so it's letting the love in even more 

This whole relationship and now with Jules around has been incredibly educational, observing where I push love away, where I get triggered, what I get upset about and cause disagreement when I don't need to... I have some how gained the capacity to see things happen before they happen and recognize how I create the very situation I am scared of in the first place.. which has allowed me to allow this entire thing to simply unfold as it should. 

We've been together for 4 months now and not a mean word between us.... I never knew someone could love me the way he does.... and all because I learned to love and honour myself :) 

With Jules around I have been finally talking about what happened over the past 2 years. She was so upst with me sending you letters when you were obviously not interested in me at all... she was so worried about me and pittied me so much.. all last year that she refused to let me even talk about it... and so now she finally understands that I had to do it to figure my self out and my issues... to get me here so she's more open to me sharing.. which has been very interesting because I am very honest with J.A. too about what happened and how I felt about you.. and what it was like to be so in love with someone that didn't want anything to do with me back... and how that makes me fearless and cautious in this relationship.. all at the same time. 

I am so happy and I am so thankful for you and the space you created for me... that this jouney has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to... guiding me to my own heart I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall :

*****

Is completely overwhelmed at the result of my choices in life... can't even begin to express the joy, calm and love I am experiencing.. I have battled for 6 months with quitting nursing school. The day I made the decision felt like a suffocating weight was lifted from me. I have wondered if I did the right thing for myself for 6 months.... with everyone around me feeling like I just went and train wrecked my life.... I am FINALLY coming to see the beautiful results of my choice to say 'ENOUGH'. I will always... from NOW ON... ALWAYS choose myself, my comfort, my happiness over EVERYTHING else.

With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.

and it's 2 degrees outside  SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting  it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.

Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.

Soon. Soon.

I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.

I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell... 

Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox

love from ONTARIO

******

and that sort of summarizes everything. 

I had a vision a couple days ago of you and your girls and I finally meeting and you being able to come out to the farm with them.. and hang out with me, J.A. and our friends..... that perhaps somewhere in the space between us there is a space for friendship... but I did tell you in November that I would not pressure you and I will honour that promise. 

Well my dear, I hope you are happy ... maybe even in love? and that your birthday was/is as beautiful as you are.... you are sooo good. inherently beautiful... you created the blueprint for me.. you raised the bar..... and I am happy because of it. 

xoxo

angels on your pillow. 

The world was made a better place... and my life all the better for having met you... I completely celebrate the difference you have already made on this planet..... Happy. Birth. Day. 

love 

hear me roar

My life has been an interesting journey so far - to watch as the world changes. To see how the world is opening to the truths my mom realized all those years ago. To spend my life putting my heart above everything else.... to see how different a life that grants me - and to see the possibilities open up in front of me - that my truth is everyone's truth - but the only way one can come to that truth is through their own experience and reflection - belief cannot be taught - tools can be given - but the truth of your soul lies inside you.

It is the quiet whispers of your heart you must learn to listen to - you must learn to embrace - you must learn to love.

It is a difficult path to break old beliefs - to watch yourself come out of the dark place you put yourself in and embrace full self expression in a world that dubs disconnection to the rest of your own life as 'professionalism'.

Throughout life survival is the most important thing - as a child survival meant following rules that would keep you safe - following beliefs that would make those with power over you happy.... but you forgot that those weren't your beliefs - you questioned them as a child - survival as an adult means to find the truth of the child in your heart - the love that emenated from you simply for being alive. Survival means risking all for your own truth.

I don't know where my heart will take me - I don't know what layers my heart still has to unfold - what space inside I will find myself in.

All I know is that my truth has always been to be proud of the love I offered and the person I became. To be able to reflect on a life I am most proud of and to learn how to be my own cheerleader - to accept that people may not like me - and I may be different - but it is my own unique experience that offers me the opportunity to share what I have learned so far.

It's a weird thing being on this journey.

To learn how to be thankful for all the lessons - no matter how hard - and to recognize that I am at the center of my own world.

To become present and learn how to quiet the voices in my head - quiet the criticism, the constant looking for what is wrong, challenging the internal beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with me - that my overly emotional expression is nothing less than a gift. My authenticity, without attachment is the gift I offer the world - and even though it may not be understood - it is the greatest gift I can give - my vulnerable open self. To brave the criticism, to brave the misunderstandings and never make anyone else wrong for their own path.

To be true to my path, no matter how unconventional.... to look for the beauty in all the little things and to be thankful to be alive on this beautiful planet.

When we realize that the pain we feel in our hearts is the lack of love we have for ourselves and being brave enough to stand in the light and declare:

I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE YOU. I AM ME. HEAR ME ROAR.

Letter to a friend - letting go of association with anything. JUST LOVE.

The following is a letter I just wrote to a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me since August. I will post her letter to me once I have permission, when I have some reason to share. 

Hi

First off, Merry Christmas. I hope it was lovely. Mine was weird, but when is it not? lol. Second. Thank you for being vulnerable and being willing to allow yourself the chance to look at and reflect on what is going on inside. It takes a lot of courage to want more for yourself when you can see patterns that are so ingrained they are almost impossible to see. Third. Thank you for your apology. It means a lot to me and validates me continually believing in you. 

I'll be honest. What I can see is that you are at this place where in order to move forward you are going to have to give up some of your beliefs for something intangible. I am in the process and I have been here my whole life, and it's pretty excruciating. It is so easy to falter. It is so easy to convince yourself that your past way of being is the right way, because its what you have been taught, its what you have gotten to know. It's who you identify with. I know. I am going through it too. Ultimately it requires recognizing what behaviour is in alignment with love and what isn't and functioning from that place. even if it feels like the world is going to fall apart.... all the better, at least that's what OSHO advocates for. To allow the falseties of life, of worth.... to dissolve and to ultimately find your worth, your innate wisdom and let go of what you"think" it should be. 

The arrogance and judgment simply come from a lack of really understanding the macro view of the whole of existence. If you look at all the shitty things in your life, you have to come to see that they had to happen for you to be where you are. If you allow yourself to be happy in this immediate moment then there is a place where you can be thankful and appreciate all the "shitty" things. In that space it is possible to make peace with your past and recognize that you, along with everyone is on the EXACT path they are supposed to be on... to be thankful in the present is to be thankful for ALL THE MOMENTS leading up to this one. It in an assbackwards kind of way is an immediate making peace with the past. Remember... suffering is only important until it is not. 

Your judgement and arrogance, I believe come from a  place of recognizing that your path is actually propelling you more to a place you have always longed to go.. but this time not financially, not physically, but cosmically, esoterically, recognizing that is important for you to find the truth that exists in your heart. You are coming to see how easy it is for us to convince ourselves of falseties, untruths. Your judgement of others is a reflection of your judgment of yourself.

Compassion is the only answer. 

Expecting something from generosity is the most difficult thing I am finding to let go. Especially in a relationship. To watch how I expect men to behave, that I want certain things... that don't necessitate love, but that i have equated to love or lack of love for some weird reason. To recognize and discipline myself that I am not allowed to get frustrated or angry with JA for anything he doesn't do, and whenever I feel triggered, to look at what that is. When the house is a shambles, getting frustrated is stupid, because I too haven't done it all, and if it bothers me enough, I should clean it. That JA is allowed to be exactly who he is when he is single and its my choice whether I want to stay or not, that I can't want him to change, and I am certainly not allowed to make him feel bad or ashamed in anyway for not measuring some bullshit, in-the-moment random expectation I have, that really is just a reflection of my own frustrations with myself. 

I guess in a way I have given myself permission to only criticize if he does something that hurts me, never for something he hasn't done. To encourage him and allow him to move forward at his own pace, to treat him the way I want to be treated and to look to see if my intentional reaction is something that if done to me I will be hurt. To always reflect on what I am ACTUALLY FEELING. Oddly enough... in 2 months... there hasn't been ONE thing he has done that has hurt my feelings. No rolling his eyes, no weird comments to the detriment of my feelings. He respects me... and loves me enough to never want to hurt my feelings..... so if they do get hurt, recognizing that it is not his intention... 

After reading your email the other day and sharing it with JA I was thinking that it is sad that you have missed out on a lot of fun with R. . JA used to drink a lot... his whole family has been at one point to AA and he too has been, but has come to the realization he is allowed to drink, just to be aware of the frequency and the amount. To be honest he drinks almost every night.. and we drink together. We have tonnes of fun dancing in the kitchen and being silly. My only rule is don't get so drunk you are falling over or can't have a conversation. I am not a babysitter, other than that.. it is your own life. 

I think when R. came into your life you were realizing that you drink to excess when you drink.. and he became an outlet for those feelings. With you it is always all or nothing.... it's incredible how self disciplined you can be.. but the truth of life is to have fun, take the path of least resistance and love. Don't put all experiences together... if he gets trashed and gets retarded, let him know how it makes you feel, but allow him the space to be himself. Always consider how nice it is when you have a friend who doesn't judge you and allows you the space to be yourself with all your faults, never criticizing and only supporting what you dreams and hopes are.... reinforcing positive behaviour and maybe even ignoring bad??? You love to get drunk. You love to party.... and now you have someone who parties like a rockstar and you cut yourself completely off from that part of you, blaming him. HAVE FUN JULES. Go get drunk and do a bunch of drugs with your boyfriend and don't apologize for it. James and I decided if either of us gets cancer the first thing we are going to do is heroin. The second is dealing with it. It is Really important to stop measuring your life on some rediculous idea of the way life "should" be. You know what you love, embrace it.. and stop feeling ashamed for the life you have lead, for the people you love... for the mistakes you have made. HAVE FUN!

YOu mention time frames. That is another of your hangups... and please don't feel bad, this is just human nature. We have been s taught to meet time frame expectations. But in the end , the time frame is whatever is the most comfortable for you. If it takes a day or 10 years... so long as the intention is there....

You have felt ashamed of not being married and having children yet. YOu have imposed on yourself some version of prison, of hell, where nothing you will do will remove your shame. You impose expectations on yourself blaming the rest of existence. It is you that you have to make peace with. Recognizing YOU made the choices you have. YOu are where your life has lead.... shame is like an addiction for you... and all of humanity. 

I think this experience you are going through has the opportunity to deepen your level of compassion to see that after every layer there is another layer and that your experience can show you the path that it takes.. that its easy to fall back into old patterns and how easy it is to not even be aware of certain aspects of your own psyche.... in this you can have compassion for others. Recognize that you can only know what you know and that most of what you have learned, has been through experience. You can't RUSH EXPERIENCE. YOu can't rush life. 

Your misinterpretation of other's behaviour comes from a lack of understanding/acceptance that people are where they are and they only treat you as well as they treat themselves... so instead of getting upset, to love them despite their inability to fulfill their 'promise/plan/role" I am going through this right now too, and it is quite confronting to balance keeping people, letting people go and having compassion for everyone. To not take things personally and to not be resentful for all the people in my life that have not met my expectations. To not have their worth, or their deserving of love be based on anything other than their existence. Because ultimately that's where we are trying to get right? to a place where we can recognize we are all one. We are not separate. And we ARE LOVE. 

That's what I am trying to embrace, resonate with..... to recognize once and for all that my worth does not come from outside. It does not come from what people do/give/think about me. It is not based on my education or my salary. It is not based on my job, my friends, my living situation. It is not based on where I am from, the colour of my skin or my sexuality.  That when I feel love, it is from within. Its gratitude. 

at this point I am getting so good at the practice that I am trying to be grateful for EVERYTHING in the moment. I have concluded that everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson in everything.... I have had a cough consistently for a month and I have been thanking the universe for giving my lungs a fine work out so that I can be more effective. I thank my lungs for allowing me the space to continue to smoke, recognizing that quitting will come on it's own time and that they have the power to keep me safe and healthy if I appreciate all they do for me. 

The other day I woke up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed and this 5lb amethyst that was iitting on the window sill fell on my foot. It cut it pretty bad and still hurts... but while I was crying I was telling myself it happened to remind me I had a foot, to send blood and love to it, and thank the universe for not having it be worse. To constantly be in a mantra of gratitude and to recognize the areas of my life that I find myself complaining about, or feeling ripped off. 

I had a thought last night. We are sad when we feel ripped off from life. When we feel like things should be different than they are, we cut ourselves off from the experience and thus from life. It is only through gratitude that we are able to accept the flow of life, thus embracing its beauty, and being connected to it. We can only feel connected to life when we feel we are the painters. When we feel that there is purpose to the experience. When we love every moment. When we become YES men. (I read in a book I am reading currently on ancient wisdom that the word man has an etymology in the word mana in sanskrit - or mind.. that what makes humans different from our animal counterparts is our mind, our ability to think.. to become aware of ourselves... and thus man is actually gender neutral... and thus we can all become a yes man... in other words.. a yes thinker)  Through love we reconnect with the divinity of all things, and all lessons, recognizing they each shift our frequency to a higher and higher existence... and accepting that through this others may not understand us. People may not support.... but love them for being scared.... and loving yourself for taking the road less travelled... that is in being brave to stand up for the child in ourselves... and being the change we wish to see in the world (as Gandhi said). That by living a life, less conventional we pave the way for others and make it easier on them to fall into their own greatness. It is only in recognizing our own greatness that we allow others to see their own. 

The only thing to trust is life, your inner voice. But it is intangible. YOu can't see it, and most of what we learn in life with regards to relationships with others as well as ourselves are things that actually have to be UNLEARNED> which poses the problem, we attach our beliefs, our accomplishments/ our failures to our worth. We connect our personality with who we are.. and I think we have this default where we actually feel like we will disintegrate if we let go of all those things we hold so dear to our existence. And yet when we are born... that is all we have. 

I feel this is where I am right now. To completely give up on celebrating my birthday, or Christmas this year... to accept their quietness... to accept the lack of pomp and circumstance. To recognize them both only from inside. Only from a personal space.... it is incredible how difficult it was for me to accept that nothing about yesterday was Christmas. No exchange of gifts. No turkey. No tradition of any sort. To see how I felt lost, how I felt uncomfortable... it was a great opportunity to see how attached I am to the guilt. 

Recongizing that every year I feel guilty at Christmas. Usually for not having enough money to buy people things. Spending money on gas, when I don't have it... guilty for not going.. or even worse I feel resentful to the world for not giving me anything I need or want. I am in a space right now of recognizing that I live in the light of Christmas every day of my life... and that I do love the Christmas lights and am incredibly thankful for presents. But to allow myself the experience of a presentless birthday and Christmas. Not even going out for dinner. has created a space for me where I am more thankful for the basics. Thankful that I have a roof.Thankful that I have food. Thankful that I have love. and EVERYTHING else is just extra. and to be even more thankful in the future because I know what it is like to NOT have things. 

Spending the past 2 months with JA, we have only gone out once. So the love I feel really comes from sharing space with him. To feel like I have everything I need right now and to not be attached to needing or wanting anything more... and allow the universe to create lessons i can't even see I need to learn.... so that I get to live the most beautiful life...unimaginable to my limited mind.

The truth is I have a truth in my heart that has such a hold on me that I will never again tell it 'no' because I know better, that my heart knows best, even if I don't see where it is going to lead me... but to continue breaking my rules, continue challenging my behaviour. and continue looking for love inside.

*****

Life has a weird way of doing the things to you that scare you the most. I think this is one of the most important lessons. I think many teachers refer to it as the law of attraction. That the universe does not account for the negative, so being scared of something and repeating the thought in our heads of fear like "I will never survive if ----- happens to me" OR.... a complaint.. actually creates the very thing we fear.. actually perpetuates the circumstances we are trying to avoid... its like life's little way of proving that our rules are actually pointless.. and that we will survive all those things we believe we won't. What you RESIST PERSISTS... sooooo it is only in shifting our perspective that allows for the dissolution of our fears to manifest themselves in our lives. 

Two examples come to mind for me. The fear of a man leaving me for my weight I met J.(my ex)... who threatened to leave for my weight. If that wasn't a fear... then I probably wouldn't have been dating someone who would threaten that. But because it was, the universe needed me to confront that fear and say "I no longer believe this to be true, and if I am with a man who threatens this... then he is not the man for me. 

What I am looking at now is my complaint that JA doesn't talk much. I saw myself starting to recite this thought in my head.... but being as aware as I am I could see that I was actually LYING to myself. That in fact he talks A LOT.. and YES, he is not  very expressive about his emotions... but neither am I at times... that if I get upset with him about not sharing more... I will make him feel insecure which will actually encourage the lack of sharing.... AND if I am upset about that then I will constantly look for evidence to support that in my head. That if I just allow him the space to be himself.... and listen for when he does talk, that will be a more loving space to come from..... even being aware of this, I still find myself mentioning it here and there... and then I see that it may actually be my way of convincing myself that i am not loved. It's SOOO weird - like in my head I say 'if you don't know what he's feeling because he hasn;t said it then maybe he doesn't love you." 

What's also weird is he is the most physically affectionate man I have ever been with. He holds me, he blows me kisses across the room, he dances with me. He winks at me... he caresses me and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin...... and yet his lack of vocalization about how he feels I resent..... So I am practicing FEELING loved. That love does not come from the intellectualization or experience... but the feeling you actually feel around them. And if there is a lack of love it is on my own part. That my worthiness of love does not reside in his behaviour, or even deeper, in his love.

On a deeper level I am playing with recognizing that when I feel a lack of love it is that I am actually holding back love from myself. That I have the ability to pull away from love... looking for attention that will make me feel loved..... but in a weird way it is some form of manipulation.... and really that puts the power of my worthiness of love outside myself... it's difficult to break, the need for attention. Its difficult to break the feeling of inadequacy. It's really weird to come to know myself so well that I have to stop hating myself... cause I really like myself. It's been so conditioned in me to not be happy. 

****

About your judgments of me. You provide me with something I need. To be able to love you enough to forgive you for the constant judgment and rejection you have imposed on me throughout the past 4/5 years has freed me somewhat from the need to get the approval from ANYONE. You somehow cushion the blow, because deep down I know you will eventually believe in me, see me and support me. I suppose unconsciously it is something aligned with if you can make your biggest judge your ally, you have arrived..... You say what most people think. My lesson has been to not make choices regarding my own life based on what others think of me... and you have created the situation for me to confront those fears on a VERY personal level. I can only believe that we have been sisters in a past life because I somehow believe that no matter what you do you still love me. I just believe that..... I always tried to fix things in the past. Now I am trying to allow them to develop at their own pace..... instead of trying to fix relationships with people who have hurt me... I recognize I have an open door policy. That where the balance may be for me, is that my friends know that when they want back in my life, I will never hold a grudge, or push them away or not believe in their ability to evolve... that I will always be a cheerleader for the growth and love of all the people I have met in life... and everyone deserves the space to grow. 

I think this is what they call being detached. Not pushing people away, but recognizing that everyone is where they are supposed to be, and in the end I needed everyone to push me away so that I could hear my own voice and not be embarrassed about who I am.... I needed to have to see myself, alone... to recognize I am simply LOVE. I have always lived like I want to be jesus. ONLY LOVE. no matter what your crime, no matter what your treatment of me, others or yourself. That even if no one else behaves from the same place I do... that I will persevere and never sell out on that part of me that loves forever and always. 

Our biggest failure as a society is that we punish the people who suffer the most. We don't offer compassion for the children that grow up to be adults that are so disconnected from love that they have the ability to hurt their fellow man. We must continue to foster love for all humans, and be patient enough to teach the adults who never learned. AGE has nothing to do with awareness.... and everyone just got what they got.... everyone is having to unlearn things they have believed their whole lives... and that makes life very uncertain. Apparently that's where life becomes adventurous.. in the not knowing.... but man is it ever confronting. 

I love you because I love myself. I love you because I see your spirit, your dreams/your hopes/ your promise. I love you because you allow me the opportunity to share what I know to be true. You let me share my wisdom. And that can only be heard by someone worthy of such wisdom. Most people are so scared to even look at themselves, my wisdom is lost on them. 

If it is any consolation... I knew you would eventually have to look at what was going on inside you... and I believed you would have the strength and courage to shift your perspective. I believed in your capacity to grow.. and saw that you had to go through this... I couldn't force you to see what you were unwilling to see... and that it would happen in its perfect time... to not be sad about you leaving and to not be hurt... but to allow the relationship to evolve however it is meant to... and that I can't control your side. I can only control my own.... that standing up for myself was worth the loss of the relationship... but that I had hope that you loved yourself enough, that you loved me enough to eventually accept me for me and be thankful for the originality of my thoughts. For the kindness I offer, for the forgiveness I provide. For the blueprint of love I create. SO thank you for evolving enough to start seeing that... and for loving yourself enough to be willing to share yourself with me when I am sure it has been quite scary to not know if I will shun and resent you like so many people do after they are hurt. 

The truth is, you did hurt me. You judged me during the scariest choice of my life. You left me to question my choice whether it was selfish or self loving. I have come to see and believe it is only out of self love that I have behaved and for that I will not apologize... I tried to help you to see how you were sabotaging the relationships you had with T. and M... and instead of hearing the observation, you attacked me... it was a quick and sure way of getting me to shut up, preventing you from getting off the train wreck that you were creating. Your ego gets rid of me at the exact time you NEED me. But somehow, through getting rid of me, by what ever means necessary, you are forced to see something that I am trying to show you. You thus become acutely aware of the behaviour I am trying to show you... and so whether it is through listening to my observations.. or pushing me away so you can see them for yourself... you will see them.. you will grow.... and that is my promise to you. That I will always love you enough to support your growth. 

OK... that's what I have for right now. I think this may suffice in terms of bringing awareness to the behaviour you are trying to shift.... but if you need further insight into specifics about your life, if you want me to share further my observations of you and your habits... just ask. I will be happy to share what it has been like for me on this side of the friendship. 

much love. 

I believe in you. 

Merry Christmas. 

evolution of love - letting go of SHOULD - being thankful.

It's interesting to be falling in love with awareness. To recognize my triggers.... to ask myself what the triggers are trying to show/teach me. To not react but grow from each experience, bringing me closer and closer to love. To presence. To freedom.

The expression "have no expectations"... is an interesting saying. I have always felt that there is something missing by saying to not have expectations.. it is important to expect the best in people. It's important to expect love and kindness. It's important to expect respect. To allow everyone you meet to walk into the space I can provide of love and understanding... maybe...sometimes for the first time in their lives... sometimes for the only time in their lives.

But not having expectations is deeper than the expressions leads our childhood selves to understand. To not have expectations is to accept everything that life decides to give you, with out judgement of whether it is good or bad. To allow the grace of the universe to expose itself at its own rate, with its own care.... allowing me, the individual, the opportunity to revel in the delight of the unraveling of the beauty of life.

Without having expectations frees us from the confines of our own construction of the way things "should be".

SHOULD - I believe one of the most detrimental words in the English language. The infamous "should" gives us the opportunity to compare something against something that does not exactly exist. An idea.... it does not allow for the fierce, chaotic beauty that life can drum up. It denies us of our very nature.... "should".

It is a word that had had me feeling inadequate my whole life. I "should" be smarter. I "should" be making more money. I "should" have a better job. I "should" be different than the way I am.

Growing towards the light I have had to teach myself to let go of all the times where I consider the word should.

The expression of that evolution is apparent to me in my relationship with JA. To watch my own thought process of feeling like he "should" talk more.... I realized that I had convinced myself he didn't talk much.... but I knew that when he did talk he had a lot to say. I watched how I was teaching myself to only watch for when he WASN'T talking... as opposed to watching and listening for when he WAS. To allow him the space to share when he wanted to and to choose to not share when he didn't want to. And to be completely present for when he shared so he felt heard, and more encouraged to talk in the future. Correcting my own thought process, being available for him to be who he is and not making him or the situation wrong for not being the way I THINK IT SHOULD BE.

this has ocurred in a variety of areas already in our relationship. And everytime I see how I would never want him to feel bad about anything, so I can talk to him about things that may concern me, but to never be upset because he isn't behaving the way I think he "SHOULD".

Something shifted in the past couple of days for us.

I told him last night that I feel how I felt the first week we spent together. But different.

It was new, it was wonderful and I had no attachment. It could have not turned into anything and I would have been ok. It was shiny and wonderful.

Then life progressed and losing my job, moving out and not getting the other job started negatively plaguing my heart. Thinking about friends I had from high school and throughout my twenties that have refused to be in contact with me recently started making me feel miserable. Inadequate.

I asked myself why I was thinking about all these things... especially the girls who are evidently ignoring me... and I saw that my definition of love was still wanting someone who didn't want me back. That I would go towards abandonment and rejection.... it;s what I know... without even knowing it.

But this was different. JA is different. I am different. That the lesson was one of letting go relationships where I am not loved and appreciated. To become all the things I wish my partner was. To embrace my love for him, to be inspired to be romantic and caring and loving.

I can see that with my last relationship within the first month there had been countless times where he had rolled his eyes at me, that he had not listened, that he had made me feel foolish or incompetent. I would correct him and see how his behaviour was a reflection of how I felt about myself.

JA has never once made me feel dumb, inadequate, foolish, crazy.... or anything negative. He may not be good with words, but his silence brings me a sense of comfort and peace I have ever felt before. His energy is what I crave. Everything else is pointless. That if I want to be loved for who I am, then I have to love for who he is.

Always checking and guaging myself whether my behaviour comes from love or fear. whether my reactions are based on an idea of the way things "should" be... or whether the way things are are in fact more wonderful in a different way than I could have planned. Whether my heart really needs things to be different or whether its my own need to be in control to search for something that is wrong.

I have accepted this journey. Living on the edge of life. Being thankful for all that life has provided and continues to provide.

When I have nothing to give I have love. And when he has nothing to give he has love.

We spent the day yesterday, a Tuesday, in bed.... all day... .making love, laughing, sleeping.... and trying to melt into each other. It was the most beautiful day I have ever shared with a man.

He had told me he loved me before... but I could feel that he was still hesitant.. and so was I to be honest..... but yesterday he said it... and I felt like he really believed it. That he looks at me and sees the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. That he loves me back... and accepts me for all I am and all I am not. Encouraging me to be me... and allowing me to express that however I am supposed to.

Its an amazing thing to let go of should. I feel lighter.. I feel safer and I feel more in love with JA than I have yet. That the love for him grows deeper and deeper and sharing love with him is redefining love for me. To recognize that patience, kindness and understanding is love. That relationships that are not full of these things are not examples of love and compassion... and that never again will I allow myself to be treated any less than this.

the freedom that arises when inadequacy for not being "somewhere else" or "someone else" is let go. To accept life changes gracefully and with love and appreciation for the journey, the lessons and love. To be stripped of all the outside things I have typically defined myself with allows me to simply be thankful for presence. Thankful for never having to "figure it out". Thankful for living the adventure of life. Thankful for happiness. Thankful for love. Thankful.

being brave... me

Me and my exposing my vulnerability... who i am.

coming to quiet

I have felt that this winter is a  time for me to follow suit and come to a quiet place in my heart, in my soul.

I was surprised to find myself deciding to pack up and move across the country, deciding to go learn how to snow board... anticipating a party fulled winter, it didn't seem as though it was aligned with the diretion I have been headed, but figured that it was where the universe was pushing me.. and so I took it on, letting go of how I thought things should work out.

It's amazing that one thing can change directions of life so quickly and that it may not turn out the way we have planned, but that the direction is the right direction....

I know in my heart that my  deciding to pack my things and quit my job opened the universe up to help me find J.

It's been so nice, despite the worries about moving, and money... to have extra time to just hang out with him and get to know him. It's an interesting thing to be so available with time... it's also an interesting thing to observe myself and the guilt that accompanies having time away from school and a job. I am falling in love and feeling guilty for enjoying this space that otherwise would have me in a constant state of anxiety.

But I remind myself every day... that I deserve to celebrate and enjoy this time and to not judge myself... but allow life to unfold and be thankful to the universe for the love and the break.

It's an interesting thing to observe myself with the internal battle that occurs as this relationship progresses. I think I have come to see that I have spent my entire life, at least that of my adult years in a constant state of resistance. I felt ripped off of life, I felt like I got the shitty end of the stick and so I resented life... in my heart I knew that wasn't the truth.. but the resentment lay underneath the hope.... It's only been in the past 2 years that I have been more aware of the present moment that I am able to check my conversation and my thoughts about parts of my interpretation of my life that have previously remained out of my awareness....

with increased presence though, comes increased awareness and therefor increased ability to hyper analyze everything.... its a fine balance to observe the present moment and not get attached or judge myself for each thing I become aware of.

I watched this movie once, "what the bleep do we know" in the movie it discusses how our bodies become addicted to emotional proteins and that when we change how we react to things we also have to fight against our cells craving the protein that the emotion makes. I can feel it happening with J from time to time, where my body is seeking out conflict... but the presence that I have built allows me to recognize that I have come into his life. My job is to enjoy our time together until it no longer serves us, and not to criticize or change him.... my biggest struggle? That this is easy.

I have never had a relationship with no conflict. Not even at the beginning. ALWAYS something comes up at the start, I bring it up, and the pattern starts. Wanting the other person to change to fit my idea of what a partner should be.

So with J. I feel my upset, recognize that its my ego seeking some consolation, seeking some reassurance and/or feeling internally inadequate to some degree and tell myself that what I seek is inside... that this relationship is about becoming whole, and so I cannot rely or need J for anything. That it always has to come from love.

Another interesting thing to observe is the triggers that come from the idea of what a partner should be, are the things that tend to grow in a relationship.... they become the complaints that eventually become the evidence for breakups... and then in the end we all struggle with our love for the other person who "never really cared" or some other version of complaint.....

This year with T and I I learned that I love unconditionally, with my ex boyfriends C. and J. I have learned that you can even hurt me and I will always love you. As a result I hold on to that notion, that at the end of the day, whatever my complaint is.... I will still love him after the fact... I will love him despite the complaint.... and that I would rather he is inspired to be romantic, inspired to be thoughtful, inspired to be sweet, and to allow those behaviours to blossom, as opposed to complaining and having him feel inadequate because he is not meeting my expectations, that at the end of the day have no bearing on the day to day.

I observe that I am always looking for something to be wrong... and so when there is nothing wrong I focus on stupid little things that have no consequence.

That love is ultimately giving. That everytime a thought comes up that I want something from him, I recognize that what I enjoy most about the relationship is my ability to give my love. That my complaint in the past is that my partners do not have the ability to accept love, and J. does. That that is in fact what I love most about him... that he is available for me to love him.... and that is more than I could ever ask for... so focusing on the stupid little things that come out of my own head, that are not a reflection of him, but rather a reflection of my own self sabotage and my addiction to resistance.

We went for a two hour long walk last night. It was only -2 and the snow was falling gently. We walked mostly in silence and the snow and cold and walk brought quiet into my soul where I was able to come back to my place of gratitude. Gratitude for the company and for feeling safe. For the love that I am able to share and receive and that however J wants to share his love with me.... I am greatful.

That in the end, if I remain present I can see his trust of me unfolding, his self expression unfolding and his desire to share his heart with me..... and that I too am growing more and more available.

At one point in the past week I scolded myself for still being skeptical of the love, of us... and then I reminded myself that I am human and that although I trust people, it is natural to grow more and more comfortable with someone and to not expect more from myself than I am capable of.


****

I had a job interview today to be a receptionist for a dentist office. I got the job, but it doesn't start until the new year. But I am excited to work in a new environment and learn new things.... especially about teeth, something I can use if I head back to nursing school eventually.

So I guess I have a few more weeks of uninterrupted me and J time.

My challenges right now? drinking 8 glasses of water/day.

I want to spend the winter coming back into myself and getting healthy. That I may not get paid for it, but it will benefit me extensively in my life and the time has come. Making my bed, eating breakfast, stretching, eating well, sleeping enough, spending time outside.... building a strong base so that I always have that to fall back upon when this roller coaster ride hits this space again.

Anyways..... That's my update.

The triggers of love - Being self aware of self sabotage

It's an incredible thing to observe myself on the verge of self sabotage... the only thing that I can logically decipher is there are still limitations to the love I will allow.

I had a lovely evening with J last night... more than lovely... we watched the first 5 episodes of Dr. Who, of which he was sure I would enjoy... and I did. We chatted, made dinner together... and just enjoyed each others company.... we made love and fell asleep in each others arms...

Then this morning we woke up and he was smiling at me like he always does... and yet there was something inside me that was looking for something being wrong... still I find myself fighting with the urge to criticize and judge things about our relationship... I wonder if its our human instincts to want to run away from anything that doesn't feel safe.... but then love isn't safe... at least not safe in the way we build our homes to shelter us from the elements.. love is the elements.. love illuminates your very soul and exposes all the areas that you hide from yourself...

love is also the sanctuary that you can come to  when the despair gets to be too much.

We actually talked about that last night. I told him that I can see myself watch myself be aware of my interpretation of things....and how based on what I have seen about myself in previous settings I choose alternative interpretations or reactions that I didn't know to choose previously.

I think I look for reasons why he isn't the right one... why he doesn't ACTUALLY care about me.... its as though my default is NO love.. and when that is your baseline... then no one will ever be able to fight that.... that perhaps the fear that lies inside is the fear of letting myself feel unconditional love.... recognizing that its not behaviour... that its feeling....

I am also aware that I enjoy the slow decent into love.. but that rushing it, making him feel uncomfortable will backfire and the more I make him feel any kind of insecurity the more he will pull away, the more I will interpret his pulling away as him not loving me.. him lying to me... until finally I push him so far the same thing happens... as did with my ex boyfriend.

They say you find your mirror.....

I love him. I love everything about him... it scares me to get attached to anyone or anything. I suppose I always say you only see in other people what you possess in yourself... and I am clear that we cut ourselves off from our emotions to protect ourselves.... the trick is to allow the space for life to blossom and accept the pain that may come from whatever the lesson is.... and that worrying about something actually.. in subtle ways creates the thing we are most afraid of.... We react to the future we imagine... and so we hold back our love for fear of getting hurt.


J. said something really interesting last night... when we were talking about how I had been feeling... I was sharing that the morning before I was pretty depressed.... that I felt so defeated... in the past i would have lay in bed all day...feeling sorry for myself.. but I watched it play out in my head... J downstairs, worrying about me, not knowing what to do... him coming upstairs and trying to make me feel better... me drawing his energy out of him in order to make myself feel loved.... him feeling drained or frustrated for me not being able to feel better.... creating tension.... so I got out of bed and offered to help around the house... reminding myself that doing ANYTHING will make me feel productive.... that doing ANYTHING will make me feel useful... and will be the action I need to not feel like such a failure.

The thought just occurred to me that perhaps what my pushing away might be is that I want to still go out west and I am scared to get attached.... I also thing there is a part of me that has accepted the freedom not having any ties does for me.. that having ties feels like I will lose my freedom... and then the omnipotent voice in my heart says... AMANDA... RELAX. just be here.. what will come will come... ENJOY.

It's as though I don't know how to let myself enjoy... that I feel guilty for being happy... guilty for having what I want... guilty for not meeting the responsibilities of other people my age.

But I sit in the coffee shop and J. blows kisses at me. When I wake up I open my eyes and there he is smiling. He's lived a thousand lives... and he has tales from every part of his life.. he is intelligent and fun and helpful... and he loves me back... the only thing I don't like about him is that he's shy about instigating sex... and he's not even.. I am just so freaking eager I don't even give him the chance... but he always meets me half way... who cares who initiates? he always responds... he always appreciates... its the dumbest thing in the world to be frustrated about... and its a sure fire way to lose him.. to criticize him in his ability to love......

It's weird to see it about myself... to see how I my ego and my belief that I don't deserve love feeds into my ability to see reality as it is.... beautiful and perfect.

Last night we talked about being able to be thankful for everything from the past because if anything had been different we would not be experiencing that moment... to die from the past to live in the moment...to make peace with life in order to appreciate the current experience... one cannot live in guilt and in love.... or anger and love... or regret and love... love is gratitude... love is appreciation... love is giving and sharing....

Which leads me into another thing I noticed about my judgements when they come up... is that it separates us.... that his pleasure is my own pleasure... that by making him feel good, feel supported, feel loved and understood, gets translated into making me feel good, feeling like I am contributing to an other's life.

There was a moment a couple of days ago where I felt myself feel satisfied with being the woman who makes sure J never gives up on himself... that he has a cheerleader for as long as he needs one... that that would be an adequate function in my life.... but then that was followed with wanting what I want for my own life.... It's difficult to find the balance.... to understand how love manifests itself... and what are actions that get in the way of that love.

I feel in the end the answer is always to let go of all judgement and enjoy. To be present.... to love and be loved.. to share space and time and laughter... to relinquish all feelings of inadequacy... to jump with both feet and trust deeply so that at the very least I can experience the depths of love...


********
the night of my birthday I arrived at the bar around 1030 and J's friend said "I'm not going to shake your hand" flabbergasted I moved to the next person.... I introduced myself and then J's friend explained that she had just killed a bug and her hands were dirty... that's why she couldn't shake my hand.

an interesting introduction.

I was nervous

scared

worried

calm.

When we went back to her place I climbed up on the porch.. peered in the window and saw the reflection of a woman I would get along with. J's friend's things reflected a deep spiritual background... a sentimental person ... a curious person.

I was about to walk in and one of the men who had been with her at the bar told me that he didn't know if I was interested in such things.. but he had his tarot cards with him and would love to do my tarot for my birthday if I would be curious.

I was ecstatic... I told him how I had misplaced my own tarot cards .. I asked him if he knew about OSHO tarot cards... that I used them whenever I was going through difficulties... and that it made me sad that I couldn't find them right now. and then I saw a shooting star.

We ended staying at her house for about an hour.. and at one point I was finally alone with the woman. She was looking for a magazine she wanted to show me... I didn't know what to say so I told myself to say whatever came to my heart. I told her I knew this may be weird for her. She told me it wasn't necessarily weird but that she had chased many women away from J. that he is a really good man... and that they were all really high caliber women, so it was frustrating for her that he met me on his own...

I told her I knew that he was special and thank you for protecting him.

She asked me if I wanted something long term... that I shouldn't waste his time if I didn't. I told her I was falling in love.. that if it worked out then of course I would want that.. but that I also believe that we should let things go as they should and that when we are together we are together and when we are not.. we are not.

I told her what I told him, that I understood their relationship was unique and that if they needed to still share love then I would understand.

She told me "no we are done that."

I reiterrated that I understand that love is important to share... and just for her to know that I understood.

She told me that what they shared was teaching each other how to love themselves.

I said "thank-you"

She pulled back for a moment and looked at me... and said "ok." and shook my hand.

about 5 minutes later we went into the kitchen and she invited J to come. she turned to him and said "i like her more than I thought I would and gave him a hug."

relief. for both of us.

we headed over to the bar shortly thereafter.

I got slightly inebriated.. and at 12:30 I got to do my tarot.

I looked down and there were the OSHO tarot cards. I couldn't believe it.

The reading was different than what I had done.. he seemed to be more intuitive with the cards than I am, but I knew these cards intimately... I had followed their advice in so many occasions... in the end I don't know if the read was completely accurate.. and there were so many differing interpretations... but I think it wasn't necessarily the read.. it was the cards.. it was the fact that of all the moments, of all the cards... of all the times.... that they showed up for me on my birthday.. SERENDIPITY. I reminder that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

It's difficult to remind myself that the universe has a plan... and that when I follow my heart and allow life that all will be revealed..... that serendipity is the manifestation of being exactly where you are supposed to be at the exact right time.....

and so I am exactly where I need to be.

That J and I would never have had this happen between us unless everything had happened in precisely this way.

The most interesting thing about our relationship is that because of J's situation financially as well as with transportation and his aversion to phones... this could not have happened unless I was in this predicament... forced to allow life and love bloom, available to what ever the universe has in store.

and because of my own situation it allows him to feel useful. He even said to me last week "thank you for being in the situation you are in so I have something to give. I said the same thing back.

Because of our individual circumstances we have very little to give each other.. except love...

He gives me shelter, and food, and supports my drinking and smoking habit.... but most of all he comes up behind me and hugs me and kisses my neck when I am doing the dishes. He looks at me and smiles. He massages my back just to make me feel good when he is hugging me. He blows me kisses and never criticizes me. He appreciates me driving him to work. He makes me laugh all the time.

I told him last night that the day before I watched myself get depressed and want to hurt. Almost like I wanted my outer world to match my inner world.. that I wanted some kind of pain.... and I could see how I was craving rough sex.. that I didn't love myself in that moment and wanted the outside to prove my own belief about myself... that I was battling with the feelings that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve his love....

that in the past I would have gone towards that feeling.. but instead i went towards love.

I could see in the moment my own reflection.. that with T... his concern for not deserving me.... his worry that he would hurt me... hurt me. And that to avoid creating the same dynamic with J I had to allow love. I had to continue to allow him in.. even if I didn't feel I deserved it... I had to let him be able to give me whatever he was able to.. and not criticize him.... That I had to love him enough to not suck him into my own despair.. but rather utilize his love for me to bring me out of the space I was in... to believe him more than myself in that moment... to trust the unspoken space between us.


That's what I am really being forced to work on. Allowing... Allowing our love to grow and for our feelings for eachother to just be. To allow life and not try and control it... To learn how to be aware enough to let things be...

It is said that when the Buddha reached enlightenment it was the realization that there was nothing else to know.

What I can see is that over analysis = self awareness= self regulation = allowing no-thing-ness to exist where everything can occur.... that ultimately over analysis leads to no analysis... trust...that there is nothing to be, no where to go... nothing to do... that the space I must inhabit is inside a deep space of trust .. focusing on the moment. and flowing with life.

He told me that I am bringing dreaming back to him... that he thinks he gave up on dreaming and that I let him come out of his shell a little... that he is doing things he has never done before... like dancing in the kitchen of which we do almost every day. He is getting better too!!! It''s sooo much fun! and he said he would learn swing dancing lessons with me.

I told him I can't wait to share the world with him... I can't wait to learn about farming and all the things he knows....

The other night he went to fix the record player and instead of sitting back and doing something else I watched, asked questions and helped... it was nice to learn about circuit boards... it was fun to see him take something a part and try to fix it... it was cool to learn something new.. while also spending time together.

I saw how in my past, and in other people's relationships that when partners don't share interests they spend a lot of time away from eachother and don't get to share the other person's ingenuity... that if I had chosen to let him do it on his own I wouldn't have been able to kiss him while he tried to figure out how to fix this machine... that the opportunity allowed me to see a part of his intelligence... and it was such a turn on.

****

He told me on Monday night when I was feeling sorry for myself that he thought I should start writing again... that there would be no other time where I would have so many different emotions and time on my hands....

So here I am.. sharing my experience.

Allowing myself to reflect on my own experience... and learn more and more from my life... from love.

It's amazing to want love so much and then to be scared of the path it may take me down.... all I know is that I love this man. He makes me want to be a better person for him, for me, for us.

Ok, got to run I have to go back to my place and pack some more...

Amanda

The lesson of being present inside a relationship while everything else is falling apart.

It's interesting.. the past 3 weeks. To manage myself to remain present and enjoy the fruits of my labour while watching a all the stability I had slowly falls away...

It's as though I am watching someone else's life... watching how the person outside myself manages to only allow gratitude and appreciation to flow out of her... to watch her check herself when she is triggered, and manage her own response to the outside circumstances of her life.

On November 10, 2013 I no longer had a job, had given my notice at my place and had moved my cats to J.'s house. On 10/11/13-11/11/13 I felt deep love and acceptance of a man... I felt mirrored in the most positive ways I could dream of. I spent the night dancing in the kitchen with him to Jim Morrison on my mother's vinyl...moondance and  into the mystic.... as we held each other and mouthed the words to one another. full circle moment.

I looked at October 10, 2013 and realized that one month previously was the day I found the note in the tree and saw T for the last time. It had certainly been a month... so to find true love a month later seemed fitting. The first week J and I spent every moment we could together. Getting to know each other more and more and appreciating each other more and more...

Monday night was spent catching chickens to kill the next day... and then Tuesday happened and the chickens were released... I took J to my apartment and showed him where I lived. I am so glad that I got the chance to show him where I lived and we packed the car to take things to his house.

It was weird taking things to his house... its as though silently we had decided that I would live with him... til when? both of us had no idea... I was scared to proceed without knowing the concrete details.. or his true feelings... but I moved the things there under the premise that I would put my things in one of the other rooms in the house and whether we stayed together or not, that we would be able to share space.

Each day I drive him to work and grab a coffee, sit there checking my email for a little bit, sometimes reading.... J walks by me and winks, or throws kisses... sometimes I am reading and all I hear is a thrown kiss... We do nothing but make eye contact... we never touch each other at work and I sit back and listen to him interact with the customers.. listen to his little jokes... how hot chocolates are made with one part magic.... his branch tattoo creeping out under his short sleeve shirt.

I've never been so present with another human being and as the days shared between us build on each other, I learn more about him and myself... layer upon layer of the depth of human beings.

One week after we finally connected, I spent the night at his place while he was hanging out with his friends, he had forgotten that he had planned on meeting up with them.. one of them was a friend that he had been sleeping with occasionally... and that she would probably be the one to drop him off and I would meet her...

. it was weird to be at his place at night without him, although I had spent Monday and Wednesday during the day there.... I looked up at the clock a thousand times... every minute seemed to drag on... I forgot what it felt like to want to spend every waking minute with someone and for them to feel the same way.

I spent the night reading and spending time with myself... observing my desire to be with him and my desire for him to continue to do his own life without the need to cater to me.

He finally came home around 930... His friend did not come in.... we spent the rest of the night chatting and hanging out... it turned out that she had been..surprising to him... more upset than he had anticipated... I understood.. I have been that girl...  and I have been this girl before...

I told him that if he still needed to sleep with her, or if she still needed to sleep with him that it was fine with me.... I don't know how I would really react.. but I know that love shared between two human beings should never be thwarted... and if what we have is real.. then it would survive either of us sharing ourselves with others.

Friday was his birthday. I picked up ingredients to make dinner and anticipated a few of his friends coming by so made sure I had enough for everyone. It was the first time I really got to see him jam with his friends and watching him play the guitar was one of the hottest experiences.. he plays the guitar.. he feels the guitar as though its speaking through him.... At one point I asked him to play how he was feeling and he responded "I am".

He flows through his music and its the same feeling I feel when he is next to me.. that he plays me.. that he flows with me.

It was cute to watch him get drunk and be foolish with his friends... he apologized for getting pretty drunk...but I didn't care I made only one rule that night... you can drink all you want so long as you can still walk and carry on a conversation... I am not a babysitter... but other than that have fun!

Each day I watched how our eye contact grew. That we had similar insecurities.. that we were totally open but there was a part of our hearts that were guarded. Every night we would spend the night talking, cooking, laughing, hugging, kissing, watching movies and dancing in the kitchen.

As my 31st birthday approached I found myself struggling between despair and finding myself so grateful to the universe for allowing me to share space with this man. Its a strange place to be so thankful to the universe.... for losing phone access, Internet access, my job and my house, and ultimately quitting nursing school and having no direction anymore.

I have thought about it extensively and what I have come to see is that
if I were not in this exact situation what J. and I have would not have existed. Its that his space mirrors mine... the only difference is that he comes at it from a completely different life.

My lack of phone and Internet have forced me to only consider my own feelings... there have been a few moments where I see myself telling myself that this is crazy.. but then I see the similarities in my relationships with I and T. and I see how easy it is to run away, or logically convince myself that the love I am experiencing is irresponsible and crazy... but isn't that what love actually is?

I had just read the Alchemist again.. and in it the introduction reiterates that when following your destiny, the hardest part is to accept your worthiness.... to be seeking your whole life for something.. to find it and accept the joy and the finality that it brings... allowing a new dream to unfold... I can see myself having moments of getting way ahead of myself thinking about going out west... about being around other men that I have been sexually involved with... will I want to be monogamous? or will I want to still share space with them?

I see myself having moments of worrying about becoming complacent, getting pregnant and becoming a small farmer in this tiny little town... never adventuring far from home.... and it scares me... it scares me to settle down... and it scares me to be in a relationship where there are expectations.

But then I look into J's eyes, and I feel hug squeeze me when he hugs me and I bring myself out of my head.. into the present moment and I believe that what i feel is something I deserve to experience... that however it works out is how it will work out and that I will not sabotage this beautiful feeling for the fear of getting hurt in the future.

I see myself refusing to create any kind of tension between us. When I find myself criticising the moment in my head.. "I wish he had done this, I wish he said this.." I remind myself that this can't be rushed... that watching our connection unfold is more sacred than anything else... and that by saying something I may in fact cause him to become more self conscious and then force a worse situation... that if I like him I have to like him how he is...

re reading Anam Cara - the book Patrick gave me... it speaks of the secrets of the soul being sacred and that the worst thing one can do is shine a light directly at places that are vulnerable... through my interpretation I understand it as a reminder that our trust in another comes from feeling safe... however that is created. So I let him be. I don't criticize and believe that if our love continues to inspire him his tentativeness and romanticism will blossom from within and not because of my requests.

On Monday he told me that he was supposed to meet up with this friend of his the following night... I wasn't worried about it but was curious if he wanted me to join or not....

Tuesday morning I woke up and told him that I did not want to wake up on the morning of my birthday with him sleeping over at her house... and that I would like to meet her before the party he was going to have the following weekend.

She agreed and decided to invite a few friends in order to buffer the meeting.

I will be honest I was a little worried about this woman. I had heard from J's friend that she could be quite the terror... and she didn't like J dating.... so I asked one of J's friends D. who I had met on his birthday if he would join and drive so I could have a drink or two if it suited me.

We left around 930 and arrived at the bar around 1015. I was pretty nervous. She was sitting between to male friends and when I went to shake her hand she said "I'm not going to shake your hand"... I was shocked.. "REALLY? I was going to have to deal with this?"

ok... J is done work so I'm out.. I will continue tomorrow. :)
night.