update - February - SOOOO IN LOVE

It's amazing how the roller coaster has gone down over the past couple of months.... I am sooo in love and I've been soo low and sooo high in the past 2 months.... getting fired from a receptionsit job left me feeling reasonably suicidal.. but what I have come to see that my lows don't last for more than an afternoon now.. I finally, have the capacity to find the lesson, the positive the space to be thankful for uncomfortable experiences quicker than ever before, which is leading me more and more in to the arms of happiness.. and for that I am always greatful.

My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...

I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.

*****
Mr. Smith, 

I have a faint recollection that your birthday is in February and if I remember correctly.... you may in fact be turning 40 this year.... you popped into my head today and so I thought I would send you a early/belated birthday message :)

I hope things are working themselves out for you and that life is finally starting to look up. 

I am rediculously in love ... fantasizing about Saturday market days, growing flowers in the garden and eventually finishing nursing school. 

My friend Jules and I have gotten considerably closer in the past month and she is moving up here just got a puppy and is going to take some repose at our house and help with decorating and making the space more homey. She was offered a job on Haida Gwaii - the queen charlotte islands... and told me that she would love if I came with her when I am done school.... so that seems how the trip out west will unfold..... all in its right timing. 

I finally just got a job as a PSW at the local retirement home which basically means I play games with old people during my shifts.. which is so much fun.. and I have an interview this Friday with an organization that supports young adults with learning difficulties which I am suuuper stoked about because it seems like it's an organization that may actually support who I am, so that's cool. 

My best friend is having a baby shower this weekend  so J.A. and I are heading there... I am soooo excited. I have known this woman since we were born. Our mother's were best friends....(this is the girl who got married last new years) so it's letting the love in even more 

This whole relationship and now with Jules around has been incredibly educational, observing where I push love away, where I get triggered, what I get upset about and cause disagreement when I don't need to... I have some how gained the capacity to see things happen before they happen and recognize how I create the very situation I am scared of in the first place.. which has allowed me to allow this entire thing to simply unfold as it should. 

We've been together for 4 months now and not a mean word between us.... I never knew someone could love me the way he does.... and all because I learned to love and honour myself :) 

With Jules around I have been finally talking about what happened over the past 2 years. She was so upst with me sending you letters when you were obviously not interested in me at all... she was so worried about me and pittied me so much.. all last year that she refused to let me even talk about it... and so now she finally understands that I had to do it to figure my self out and my issues... to get me here so she's more open to me sharing.. which has been very interesting because I am very honest with J.A. too about what happened and how I felt about you.. and what it was like to be so in love with someone that didn't want anything to do with me back... and how that makes me fearless and cautious in this relationship.. all at the same time. 

I am so happy and I am so thankful for you and the space you created for me... that this jouney has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to... guiding me to my own heart I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall :

*****

Is completely overwhelmed at the result of my choices in life... can't even begin to express the joy, calm and love I am experiencing.. I have battled for 6 months with quitting nursing school. The day I made the decision felt like a suffocating weight was lifted from me. I have wondered if I did the right thing for myself for 6 months.... with everyone around me feeling like I just went and train wrecked my life.... I am FINALLY coming to see the beautiful results of my choice to say 'ENOUGH'. I will always... from NOW ON... ALWAYS choose myself, my comfort, my happiness over EVERYTHING else.

With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.

and it's 2 degrees outside  SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting  it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.

Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.

Soon. Soon.

I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.

I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell... 

Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox

love from ONTARIO

******

and that sort of summarizes everything. 

I had a vision a couple days ago of you and your girls and I finally meeting and you being able to come out to the farm with them.. and hang out with me, J.A. and our friends..... that perhaps somewhere in the space between us there is a space for friendship... but I did tell you in November that I would not pressure you and I will honour that promise. 

Well my dear, I hope you are happy ... maybe even in love? and that your birthday was/is as beautiful as you are.... you are sooo good. inherently beautiful... you created the blueprint for me.. you raised the bar..... and I am happy because of it. 

xoxo

angels on your pillow. 

The world was made a better place... and my life all the better for having met you... I completely celebrate the difference you have already made on this planet..... Happy. Birth. Day. 

love