coming to quiet

I have felt that this winter is a  time for me to follow suit and come to a quiet place in my heart, in my soul.

I was surprised to find myself deciding to pack up and move across the country, deciding to go learn how to snow board... anticipating a party fulled winter, it didn't seem as though it was aligned with the diretion I have been headed, but figured that it was where the universe was pushing me.. and so I took it on, letting go of how I thought things should work out.

It's amazing that one thing can change directions of life so quickly and that it may not turn out the way we have planned, but that the direction is the right direction....

I know in my heart that my  deciding to pack my things and quit my job opened the universe up to help me find J.

It's been so nice, despite the worries about moving, and money... to have extra time to just hang out with him and get to know him. It's an interesting thing to be so available with time... it's also an interesting thing to observe myself and the guilt that accompanies having time away from school and a job. I am falling in love and feeling guilty for enjoying this space that otherwise would have me in a constant state of anxiety.

But I remind myself every day... that I deserve to celebrate and enjoy this time and to not judge myself... but allow life to unfold and be thankful to the universe for the love and the break.

It's an interesting thing to observe myself with the internal battle that occurs as this relationship progresses. I think I have come to see that I have spent my entire life, at least that of my adult years in a constant state of resistance. I felt ripped off of life, I felt like I got the shitty end of the stick and so I resented life... in my heart I knew that wasn't the truth.. but the resentment lay underneath the hope.... It's only been in the past 2 years that I have been more aware of the present moment that I am able to check my conversation and my thoughts about parts of my interpretation of my life that have previously remained out of my awareness....

with increased presence though, comes increased awareness and therefor increased ability to hyper analyze everything.... its a fine balance to observe the present moment and not get attached or judge myself for each thing I become aware of.

I watched this movie once, "what the bleep do we know" in the movie it discusses how our bodies become addicted to emotional proteins and that when we change how we react to things we also have to fight against our cells craving the protein that the emotion makes. I can feel it happening with J from time to time, where my body is seeking out conflict... but the presence that I have built allows me to recognize that I have come into his life. My job is to enjoy our time together until it no longer serves us, and not to criticize or change him.... my biggest struggle? That this is easy.

I have never had a relationship with no conflict. Not even at the beginning. ALWAYS something comes up at the start, I bring it up, and the pattern starts. Wanting the other person to change to fit my idea of what a partner should be.

So with J. I feel my upset, recognize that its my ego seeking some consolation, seeking some reassurance and/or feeling internally inadequate to some degree and tell myself that what I seek is inside... that this relationship is about becoming whole, and so I cannot rely or need J for anything. That it always has to come from love.

Another interesting thing to observe is the triggers that come from the idea of what a partner should be, are the things that tend to grow in a relationship.... they become the complaints that eventually become the evidence for breakups... and then in the end we all struggle with our love for the other person who "never really cared" or some other version of complaint.....

This year with T and I I learned that I love unconditionally, with my ex boyfriends C. and J. I have learned that you can even hurt me and I will always love you. As a result I hold on to that notion, that at the end of the day, whatever my complaint is.... I will still love him after the fact... I will love him despite the complaint.... and that I would rather he is inspired to be romantic, inspired to be thoughtful, inspired to be sweet, and to allow those behaviours to blossom, as opposed to complaining and having him feel inadequate because he is not meeting my expectations, that at the end of the day have no bearing on the day to day.

I observe that I am always looking for something to be wrong... and so when there is nothing wrong I focus on stupid little things that have no consequence.

That love is ultimately giving. That everytime a thought comes up that I want something from him, I recognize that what I enjoy most about the relationship is my ability to give my love. That my complaint in the past is that my partners do not have the ability to accept love, and J. does. That that is in fact what I love most about him... that he is available for me to love him.... and that is more than I could ever ask for... so focusing on the stupid little things that come out of my own head, that are not a reflection of him, but rather a reflection of my own self sabotage and my addiction to resistance.

We went for a two hour long walk last night. It was only -2 and the snow was falling gently. We walked mostly in silence and the snow and cold and walk brought quiet into my soul where I was able to come back to my place of gratitude. Gratitude for the company and for feeling safe. For the love that I am able to share and receive and that however J wants to share his love with me.... I am greatful.

That in the end, if I remain present I can see his trust of me unfolding, his self expression unfolding and his desire to share his heart with me..... and that I too am growing more and more available.

At one point in the past week I scolded myself for still being skeptical of the love, of us... and then I reminded myself that I am human and that although I trust people, it is natural to grow more and more comfortable with someone and to not expect more from myself than I am capable of.


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I had a job interview today to be a receptionist for a dentist office. I got the job, but it doesn't start until the new year. But I am excited to work in a new environment and learn new things.... especially about teeth, something I can use if I head back to nursing school eventually.

So I guess I have a few more weeks of uninterrupted me and J time.

My challenges right now? drinking 8 glasses of water/day.

I want to spend the winter coming back into myself and getting healthy. That I may not get paid for it, but it will benefit me extensively in my life and the time has come. Making my bed, eating breakfast, stretching, eating well, sleeping enough, spending time outside.... building a strong base so that I always have that to fall back upon when this roller coaster ride hits this space again.

Anyways..... That's my update.