It's an incredible thing to observe myself on the verge of self sabotage... the only thing that I can logically decipher is there are still limitations to the love I will allow.
I had a lovely evening with J last night... more than lovely... we watched the first 5 episodes of Dr. Who, of which he was sure I would enjoy... and I did. We chatted, made dinner together... and just enjoyed each others company.... we made love and fell asleep in each others arms...
Then this morning we woke up and he was smiling at me like he always does... and yet there was something inside me that was looking for something being wrong... still I find myself fighting with the urge to criticize and judge things about our relationship... I wonder if its our human instincts to want to run away from anything that doesn't feel safe.... but then love isn't safe... at least not safe in the way we build our homes to shelter us from the elements.. love is the elements.. love illuminates your very soul and exposes all the areas that you hide from yourself...
love is also the sanctuary that you can come to when the despair gets to be too much.
We actually talked about that last night. I told him that I can see myself watch myself be aware of my interpretation of things....and how based on what I have seen about myself in previous settings I choose alternative interpretations or reactions that I didn't know to choose previously.
I think I look for reasons why he isn't the right one... why he doesn't ACTUALLY care about me.... its as though my default is NO love.. and when that is your baseline... then no one will ever be able to fight that.... that perhaps the fear that lies inside is the fear of letting myself feel unconditional love.... recognizing that its not behaviour... that its feeling....
I am also aware that I enjoy the slow decent into love.. but that rushing it, making him feel uncomfortable will backfire and the more I make him feel any kind of insecurity the more he will pull away, the more I will interpret his pulling away as him not loving me.. him lying to me... until finally I push him so far the same thing happens... as did with my ex boyfriend.
They say you find your mirror.....
I love him. I love everything about him... it scares me to get attached to anyone or anything. I suppose I always say you only see in other people what you possess in yourself... and I am clear that we cut ourselves off from our emotions to protect ourselves.... the trick is to allow the space for life to blossom and accept the pain that may come from whatever the lesson is.... and that worrying about something actually.. in subtle ways creates the thing we are most afraid of.... We react to the future we imagine... and so we hold back our love for fear of getting hurt.
J. said something really interesting last night... when we were talking about how I had been feeling... I was sharing that the morning before I was pretty depressed.... that I felt so defeated... in the past i would have lay in bed all day...feeling sorry for myself.. but I watched it play out in my head... J downstairs, worrying about me, not knowing what to do... him coming upstairs and trying to make me feel better... me drawing his energy out of him in order to make myself feel loved.... him feeling drained or frustrated for me not being able to feel better.... creating tension.... so I got out of bed and offered to help around the house... reminding myself that doing ANYTHING will make me feel productive.... that doing ANYTHING will make me feel useful... and will be the action I need to not feel like such a failure.
The thought just occurred to me that perhaps what my pushing away might be is that I want to still go out west and I am scared to get attached.... I also thing there is a part of me that has accepted the freedom not having any ties does for me.. that having ties feels like I will lose my freedom... and then the omnipotent voice in my heart says... AMANDA... RELAX. just be here.. what will come will come... ENJOY.
It's as though I don't know how to let myself enjoy... that I feel guilty for being happy... guilty for having what I want... guilty for not meeting the responsibilities of other people my age.
But I sit in the coffee shop and J. blows kisses at me. When I wake up I open my eyes and there he is smiling. He's lived a thousand lives... and he has tales from every part of his life.. he is intelligent and fun and helpful... and he loves me back... the only thing I don't like about him is that he's shy about instigating sex... and he's not even.. I am just so freaking eager I don't even give him the chance... but he always meets me half way... who cares who initiates? he always responds... he always appreciates... its the dumbest thing in the world to be frustrated about... and its a sure fire way to lose him.. to criticize him in his ability to love......
It's weird to see it about myself... to see how I my ego and my belief that I don't deserve love feeds into my ability to see reality as it is.... beautiful and perfect.
Last night we talked about being able to be thankful for everything from the past because if anything had been different we would not be experiencing that moment... to die from the past to live in the moment...to make peace with life in order to appreciate the current experience... one cannot live in guilt and in love.... or anger and love... or regret and love... love is gratitude... love is appreciation... love is giving and sharing....
Which leads me into another thing I noticed about my judgements when they come up... is that it separates us.... that his pleasure is my own pleasure... that by making him feel good, feel supported, feel loved and understood, gets translated into making me feel good, feeling like I am contributing to an other's life.
There was a moment a couple of days ago where I felt myself feel satisfied with being the woman who makes sure J never gives up on himself... that he has a cheerleader for as long as he needs one... that that would be an adequate function in my life.... but then that was followed with wanting what I want for my own life.... It's difficult to find the balance.... to understand how love manifests itself... and what are actions that get in the way of that love.
I feel in the end the answer is always to let go of all judgement and enjoy. To be present.... to love and be loved.. to share space and time and laughter... to relinquish all feelings of inadequacy... to jump with both feet and trust deeply so that at the very least I can experience the depths of love...
********
the night of my birthday I arrived at the bar around 1030 and J's friend said "I'm not going to shake your hand" flabbergasted I moved to the next person.... I introduced myself and then J's friend explained that she had just killed a bug and her hands were dirty... that's why she couldn't shake my hand.
an interesting introduction.
I was nervous
scared
worried
calm.
When we went back to her place I climbed up on the porch.. peered in the window and saw the reflection of a woman I would get along with. J's friend's things reflected a deep spiritual background... a sentimental person ... a curious person.
I was about to walk in and one of the men who had been with her at the bar told me that he didn't know if I was interested in such things.. but he had his tarot cards with him and would love to do my tarot for my birthday if I would be curious.
I was ecstatic... I told him how I had misplaced my own tarot cards .. I asked him if he knew about OSHO tarot cards... that I used them whenever I was going through difficulties... and that it made me sad that I couldn't find them right now. and then I saw a shooting star.
We ended staying at her house for about an hour.. and at one point I was finally alone with the woman. She was looking for a magazine she wanted to show me... I didn't know what to say so I told myself to say whatever came to my heart. I told her I knew this may be weird for her. She told me it wasn't necessarily weird but that she had chased many women away from J. that he is a really good man... and that they were all really high caliber women, so it was frustrating for her that he met me on his own...
I told her I knew that he was special and thank you for protecting him.
She asked me if I wanted something long term... that I shouldn't waste his time if I didn't. I told her I was falling in love.. that if it worked out then of course I would want that.. but that I also believe that we should let things go as they should and that when we are together we are together and when we are not.. we are not.
I told her what I told him, that I understood their relationship was unique and that if they needed to still share love then I would understand.
She told me "no we are done that."
I reiterrated that I understand that love is important to share... and just for her to know that I understood.
She told me that what they shared was teaching each other how to love themselves.
I said "thank-you"
She pulled back for a moment and looked at me... and said "ok." and shook my hand.
about 5 minutes later we went into the kitchen and she invited J to come. she turned to him and said "i like her more than I thought I would and gave him a hug."
relief. for both of us.
we headed over to the bar shortly thereafter.
I got slightly inebriated.. and at 12:30 I got to do my tarot.
I looked down and there were the OSHO tarot cards. I couldn't believe it.
The reading was different than what I had done.. he seemed to be more intuitive with the cards than I am, but I knew these cards intimately... I had followed their advice in so many occasions... in the end I don't know if the read was completely accurate.. and there were so many differing interpretations... but I think it wasn't necessarily the read.. it was the cards.. it was the fact that of all the moments, of all the cards... of all the times.... that they showed up for me on my birthday.. SERENDIPITY. I reminder that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
It's difficult to remind myself that the universe has a plan... and that when I follow my heart and allow life that all will be revealed..... that serendipity is the manifestation of being exactly where you are supposed to be at the exact right time.....
and so I am exactly where I need to be.
That J and I would never have had this happen between us unless everything had happened in precisely this way.
The most interesting thing about our relationship is that because of J's situation financially as well as with transportation and his aversion to phones... this could not have happened unless I was in this predicament... forced to allow life and love bloom, available to what ever the universe has in store.
and because of my own situation it allows him to feel useful. He even said to me last week "thank you for being in the situation you are in so I have something to give. I said the same thing back.
Because of our individual circumstances we have very little to give each other.. except love...
He gives me shelter, and food, and supports my drinking and smoking habit.... but most of all he comes up behind me and hugs me and kisses my neck when I am doing the dishes. He looks at me and smiles. He massages my back just to make me feel good when he is hugging me. He blows me kisses and never criticizes me. He appreciates me driving him to work. He makes me laugh all the time.
I told him last night that the day before I watched myself get depressed and want to hurt. Almost like I wanted my outer world to match my inner world.. that I wanted some kind of pain.... and I could see how I was craving rough sex.. that I didn't love myself in that moment and wanted the outside to prove my own belief about myself... that I was battling with the feelings that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve his love....
that in the past I would have gone towards that feeling.. but instead i went towards love.
I could see in the moment my own reflection.. that with T... his concern for not deserving me.... his worry that he would hurt me... hurt me. And that to avoid creating the same dynamic with J I had to allow love. I had to continue to allow him in.. even if I didn't feel I deserved it... I had to let him be able to give me whatever he was able to.. and not criticize him.... That I had to love him enough to not suck him into my own despair.. but rather utilize his love for me to bring me out of the space I was in... to believe him more than myself in that moment... to trust the unspoken space between us.
That's what I am really being forced to work on. Allowing... Allowing our love to grow and for our feelings for eachother to just be. To allow life and not try and control it... To learn how to be aware enough to let things be...
It is said that when the Buddha reached enlightenment it was the realization that there was nothing else to know.
What I can see is that over analysis = self awareness= self regulation = allowing no-thing-ness to exist where everything can occur.... that ultimately over analysis leads to no analysis... trust...that there is nothing to be, no where to go... nothing to do... that the space I must inhabit is inside a deep space of trust .. focusing on the moment. and flowing with life.
He told me that I am bringing dreaming back to him... that he thinks he gave up on dreaming and that I let him come out of his shell a little... that he is doing things he has never done before... like dancing in the kitchen of which we do almost every day. He is getting better too!!! It''s sooo much fun! and he said he would learn swing dancing lessons with me.
I told him I can't wait to share the world with him... I can't wait to learn about farming and all the things he knows....
The other night he went to fix the record player and instead of sitting back and doing something else I watched, asked questions and helped... it was nice to learn about circuit boards... it was fun to see him take something a part and try to fix it... it was cool to learn something new.. while also spending time together.
I saw how in my past, and in other people's relationships that when partners don't share interests they spend a lot of time away from eachother and don't get to share the other person's ingenuity... that if I had chosen to let him do it on his own I wouldn't have been able to kiss him while he tried to figure out how to fix this machine... that the opportunity allowed me to see a part of his intelligence... and it was such a turn on.
****
He told me on Monday night when I was feeling sorry for myself that he thought I should start writing again... that there would be no other time where I would have so many different emotions and time on my hands....
So here I am.. sharing my experience.
Allowing myself to reflect on my own experience... and learn more and more from my life... from love.
It's amazing to want love so much and then to be scared of the path it may take me down.... all I know is that I love this man. He makes me want to be a better person for him, for me, for us.
Ok, got to run I have to go back to my place and pack some more...
Amanda
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