It's interesting.. the past 3 weeks. To manage myself to remain present and enjoy the fruits of my labour while watching a all the stability I had slowly falls away...
It's as though I am watching someone else's life... watching how the person outside myself manages to only allow gratitude and appreciation to flow out of her... to watch her check herself when she is triggered, and manage her own response to the outside circumstances of her life.
On November 10, 2013 I no longer had a job, had given my notice at my place and had moved my cats to J.'s house. On 10/11/13-11/11/13 I felt deep love and acceptance of a man... I felt mirrored in the most positive ways I could dream of. I spent the night dancing in the kitchen with him to Jim Morrison on my mother's vinyl...moondance and into the mystic.... as we held each other and mouthed the words to one another. full circle moment.
I looked at October 10, 2013 and realized that one month previously was the day I found the note in the tree and saw T for the last time. It had certainly been a month... so to find true love a month later seemed fitting. The first week J and I spent every moment we could together. Getting to know each other more and more and appreciating each other more and more...
Monday night was spent catching chickens to kill the next day... and then Tuesday happened and the chickens were released... I took J to my apartment and showed him where I lived. I am so glad that I got the chance to show him where I lived and we packed the car to take things to his house.
It was weird taking things to his house... its as though silently we had decided that I would live with him... til when? both of us had no idea... I was scared to proceed without knowing the concrete details.. or his true feelings... but I moved the things there under the premise that I would put my things in one of the other rooms in the house and whether we stayed together or not, that we would be able to share space.
Each day I drive him to work and grab a coffee, sit there checking my email for a little bit, sometimes reading.... J walks by me and winks, or throws kisses... sometimes I am reading and all I hear is a thrown kiss... We do nothing but make eye contact... we never touch each other at work and I sit back and listen to him interact with the customers.. listen to his little jokes... how hot chocolates are made with one part magic.... his branch tattoo creeping out under his short sleeve shirt.
I've never been so present with another human being and as the days shared between us build on each other, I learn more about him and myself... layer upon layer of the depth of human beings.
One week after we finally connected, I spent the night at his place while he was hanging out with his friends, he had forgotten that he had planned on meeting up with them.. one of them was a friend that he had been sleeping with occasionally... and that she would probably be the one to drop him off and I would meet her...
. it was weird to be at his place at night without him, although I had spent Monday and Wednesday during the day there.... I looked up at the clock a thousand times... every minute seemed to drag on... I forgot what it felt like to want to spend every waking minute with someone and for them to feel the same way.
I spent the night reading and spending time with myself... observing my desire to be with him and my desire for him to continue to do his own life without the need to cater to me.
He finally came home around 930... His friend did not come in.... we spent the rest of the night chatting and hanging out... it turned out that she had been..surprising to him... more upset than he had anticipated... I understood.. I have been that girl... and I have been this girl before...
I told him that if he still needed to sleep with her, or if she still needed to sleep with him that it was fine with me.... I don't know how I would really react.. but I know that love shared between two human beings should never be thwarted... and if what we have is real.. then it would survive either of us sharing ourselves with others.
Friday was his birthday. I picked up ingredients to make dinner and anticipated a few of his friends coming by so made sure I had enough for everyone. It was the first time I really got to see him jam with his friends and watching him play the guitar was one of the hottest experiences.. he plays the guitar.. he feels the guitar as though its speaking through him.... At one point I asked him to play how he was feeling and he responded "I am".
He flows through his music and its the same feeling I feel when he is next to me.. that he plays me.. that he flows with me.
It was cute to watch him get drunk and be foolish with his friends... he apologized for getting pretty drunk...but I didn't care I made only one rule that night... you can drink all you want so long as you can still walk and carry on a conversation... I am not a babysitter... but other than that have fun!
Each day I watched how our eye contact grew. That we had similar insecurities.. that we were totally open but there was a part of our hearts that were guarded. Every night we would spend the night talking, cooking, laughing, hugging, kissing, watching movies and dancing in the kitchen.
As my 31st birthday approached I found myself struggling between despair and finding myself so grateful to the universe for allowing me to share space with this man. Its a strange place to be so thankful to the universe.... for losing phone access, Internet access, my job and my house, and ultimately quitting nursing school and having no direction anymore.
I have thought about it extensively and what I have come to see is that
if I were not in this exact situation what J. and I have would not have existed. Its that his space mirrors mine... the only difference is that he comes at it from a completely different life.
My lack of phone and Internet have forced me to only consider my own feelings... there have been a few moments where I see myself telling myself that this is crazy.. but then I see the similarities in my relationships with I and T. and I see how easy it is to run away, or logically convince myself that the love I am experiencing is irresponsible and crazy... but isn't that what love actually is?
I had just read the Alchemist again.. and in it the introduction reiterates that when following your destiny, the hardest part is to accept your worthiness.... to be seeking your whole life for something.. to find it and accept the joy and the finality that it brings... allowing a new dream to unfold... I can see myself having moments of getting way ahead of myself thinking about going out west... about being around other men that I have been sexually involved with... will I want to be monogamous? or will I want to still share space with them?
I see myself having moments of worrying about becoming complacent, getting pregnant and becoming a small farmer in this tiny little town... never adventuring far from home.... and it scares me... it scares me to settle down... and it scares me to be in a relationship where there are expectations.
But then I look into J's eyes, and I feel hug squeeze me when he hugs me and I bring myself out of my head.. into the present moment and I believe that what i feel is something I deserve to experience... that however it works out is how it will work out and that I will not sabotage this beautiful feeling for the fear of getting hurt in the future.
I see myself refusing to create any kind of tension between us. When I find myself criticising the moment in my head.. "I wish he had done this, I wish he said this.." I remind myself that this can't be rushed... that watching our connection unfold is more sacred than anything else... and that by saying something I may in fact cause him to become more self conscious and then force a worse situation... that if I like him I have to like him how he is...
re reading Anam Cara - the book Patrick gave me... it speaks of the secrets of the soul being sacred and that the worst thing one can do is shine a light directly at places that are vulnerable... through my interpretation I understand it as a reminder that our trust in another comes from feeling safe... however that is created. So I let him be. I don't criticize and believe that if our love continues to inspire him his tentativeness and romanticism will blossom from within and not because of my requests.
On Monday he told me that he was supposed to meet up with this friend of his the following night... I wasn't worried about it but was curious if he wanted me to join or not....
Tuesday morning I woke up and told him that I did not want to wake up on the morning of my birthday with him sleeping over at her house... and that I would like to meet her before the party he was going to have the following weekend.
She agreed and decided to invite a few friends in order to buffer the meeting.
I will be honest I was a little worried about this woman. I had heard from J's friend that she could be quite the terror... and she didn't like J dating.... so I asked one of J's friends D. who I had met on his birthday if he would join and drive so I could have a drink or two if it suited me.
We left around 930 and arrived at the bar around 1015. I was pretty nervous. She was sitting between to male friends and when I went to shake her hand she said "I'm not going to shake your hand"... I was shocked.. "REALLY? I was going to have to deal with this?"
ok... J is done work so I'm out.. I will continue tomorrow. :)
night.
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