It's interesting to be falling in love with awareness. To recognize my triggers.... to ask myself what the triggers are trying to show/teach me. To not react but grow from each experience, bringing me closer and closer to love. To presence. To freedom.
The expression "have no expectations"... is an interesting saying. I have always felt that there is something missing by saying to not have expectations.. it is important to expect the best in people. It's important to expect love and kindness. It's important to expect respect. To allow everyone you meet to walk into the space I can provide of love and understanding... maybe...sometimes for the first time in their lives... sometimes for the only time in their lives.
But not having expectations is deeper than the expressions leads our childhood selves to understand. To not have expectations is to accept everything that life decides to give you, with out judgement of whether it is good or bad. To allow the grace of the universe to expose itself at its own rate, with its own care.... allowing me, the individual, the opportunity to revel in the delight of the unraveling of the beauty of life.
Without having expectations frees us from the confines of our own construction of the way things "should be".
SHOULD - I believe one of the most detrimental words in the English language. The infamous "should" gives us the opportunity to compare something against something that does not exactly exist. An idea.... it does not allow for the fierce, chaotic beauty that life can drum up. It denies us of our very nature.... "should".
It is a word that had had me feeling inadequate my whole life. I "should" be smarter. I "should" be making more money. I "should" have a better job. I "should" be different than the way I am.
Growing towards the light I have had to teach myself to let go of all the times where I consider the word should.
The expression of that evolution is apparent to me in my relationship with JA. To watch my own thought process of feeling like he "should" talk more.... I realized that I had convinced myself he didn't talk much.... but I knew that when he did talk he had a lot to say. I watched how I was teaching myself to only watch for when he WASN'T talking... as opposed to watching and listening for when he WAS. To allow him the space to share when he wanted to and to choose to not share when he didn't want to. And to be completely present for when he shared so he felt heard, and more encouraged to talk in the future. Correcting my own thought process, being available for him to be who he is and not making him or the situation wrong for not being the way I THINK IT SHOULD BE.
this has ocurred in a variety of areas already in our relationship. And everytime I see how I would never want him to feel bad about anything, so I can talk to him about things that may concern me, but to never be upset because he isn't behaving the way I think he "SHOULD".
Something shifted in the past couple of days for us.
I told him last night that I feel how I felt the first week we spent together. But different.
It was new, it was wonderful and I had no attachment. It could have not turned into anything and I would have been ok. It was shiny and wonderful.
Then life progressed and losing my job, moving out and not getting the other job started negatively plaguing my heart. Thinking about friends I had from high school and throughout my twenties that have refused to be in contact with me recently started making me feel miserable. Inadequate.
I asked myself why I was thinking about all these things... especially the girls who are evidently ignoring me... and I saw that my definition of love was still wanting someone who didn't want me back. That I would go towards abandonment and rejection.... it;s what I know... without even knowing it.
But this was different. JA is different. I am different. That the lesson was one of letting go relationships where I am not loved and appreciated. To become all the things I wish my partner was. To embrace my love for him, to be inspired to be romantic and caring and loving.
I can see that with my last relationship within the first month there had been countless times where he had rolled his eyes at me, that he had not listened, that he had made me feel foolish or incompetent. I would correct him and see how his behaviour was a reflection of how I felt about myself.
JA has never once made me feel dumb, inadequate, foolish, crazy.... or anything negative. He may not be good with words, but his silence brings me a sense of comfort and peace I have ever felt before. His energy is what I crave. Everything else is pointless. That if I want to be loved for who I am, then I have to love for who he is.
Always checking and guaging myself whether my behaviour comes from love or fear. whether my reactions are based on an idea of the way things "should" be... or whether the way things are are in fact more wonderful in a different way than I could have planned. Whether my heart really needs things to be different or whether its my own need to be in control to search for something that is wrong.
I have accepted this journey. Living on the edge of life. Being thankful for all that life has provided and continues to provide.
When I have nothing to give I have love. And when he has nothing to give he has love.
We spent the day yesterday, a Tuesday, in bed.... all day... .making love, laughing, sleeping.... and trying to melt into each other. It was the most beautiful day I have ever shared with a man.
He had told me he loved me before... but I could feel that he was still hesitant.. and so was I to be honest..... but yesterday he said it... and I felt like he really believed it. That he looks at me and sees the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. That he loves me back... and accepts me for all I am and all I am not. Encouraging me to be me... and allowing me to express that however I am supposed to.
Its an amazing thing to let go of should. I feel lighter.. I feel safer and I feel more in love with JA than I have yet. That the love for him grows deeper and deeper and sharing love with him is redefining love for me. To recognize that patience, kindness and understanding is love. That relationships that are not full of these things are not examples of love and compassion... and that never again will I allow myself to be treated any less than this.
the freedom that arises when inadequacy for not being "somewhere else" or "someone else" is let go. To accept life changes gracefully and with love and appreciation for the journey, the lessons and love. To be stripped of all the outside things I have typically defined myself with allows me to simply be thankful for presence. Thankful for never having to "figure it out". Thankful for living the adventure of life. Thankful for happiness. Thankful for love. Thankful.
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