12.12.12

I had to start this post on 12. 12. 12.  I have to write something to tell myself where I was and what I did on this day... I know I'll want to remember someday.... and what a wonderful day it truly was.

I have been pretty depressed since Saturday when I found out that my step dad had a stroke last week and no one told me. When I talked to him he was slurring his words... and this was the first I had heard of anything so I wasn't prepared... I totally lost it on the phone and instead of understanding he told me that he would hang up the phone if I didn't stop crying..... I stopped and told him that I am just scared and I love him and he's allowed to hear that I love him... I told him that I knew he'd get through this, but I was allowed to be scared and sad. By the end of the conversation I was feeling relieved that he was ok, but pissed no one told me.

I talked to my step brother... when I asked hi how I was feeling he said "fine" when I asked "no really, how are you feeling?"
"fine, I don't need counselling"
"I'm not trying to give you counselling I am trying to gauge how scared I should be based on how scared you are."
so he went through a run down of being sad about this
scared about that
worried about this
thankful for that...

and then said "is that what you were looking for?" and I said yes then went through down a run down of mine.... one of which was that I have no money for gas to go visit him.

he didn't offer.

he makes a lot of money I should add.

at the end of the conversation I asked him to please keep me up to date
he said that I would have to put a little effort in too.
I said "fine I'll call"

I felt like he was alluding to the fact that I don't really call him any more... but he's never asked me why.

If he did, he would know that when J sent me that letter last year, and I sent it to the people I love most in the world and I thought loved me back, he actually told me had I done that to him he would have disowned me... and that was when I stopped going to him for any kind of love and support.... my boyfriend took me back and my brother said he wouldn't... pretty quick to figure out who loves you more.

So I've kept my distance for a year.... being nice, when he calls always being receptive, but not calling him for anything.... so the comment pissed me off because no matter if I call him or not I should be being informed about what is going on with my step dad...

anyways, I was sooo upset after these conversations that I broke down..... ended up talking to my really good friend who just couldn't understand why I was so upset that my brother didn't offer to help me out to go visit, and talked to me as though it was my fault that I didn't know....

She was so unsupportive that I had to actually get off the phone with her and tell her that I couldn't talk to her til I was a little less fragile.

That night I went out and got wasted.. danced my ass off, ended up partying with some new people I met, and got home at 7am.

The next day I went for breakfast, slept most of the day away...

By Monday I was fucked, I was super depressed and couldn't leave the house... I just couldn't find myself.... and was sleeping the day away, and then I had this moment where I realized that when I dance I find myself... I feel like I can breathe... even when the world is caving in around me.... dancing keeps me alive..... its why I smoke its why I am over weight.... that dancing makes me feel like my lungs the way smoking does.... that dancing makes me feel my body.. and feel the emotion, but let it go at the same time... that for years I have felt like I have to have a space, have shoes, have an outfit.... I have denied myself the one thing I need to feel alive... I just needed my kitchen.... P.S. my kitchen is huge and for the first time in my life I refuse to have a dining room table so I can dance.. and with the music that's on the radio these days there's so much great music to dance to...

 so I danced for 2 hours in my kitchen.. woke up the next day with my whole body hurting.. the good hurt though...

but still I had no idea how to handle the family thing... and was so overwhelmed with what to do.... for all of Tuesday I slept.... I was maybe up for 6 hours in total.... just hoping that it would come to me.... emotionally exhausted.... physically......

I forced myself last night to watch the slides for my exam today.... falling asleep every 30 minutes, waking up and watching some more...

I woke up this morning to my neighbour who stopped by with a freezy :) and a better perspective... she reminded me that they "know not what they do" that I have to believe that I know better and that its not going to do anything for me to be angry. .... that I just got to love... like I always do.... thank god for her reminding me of who I am...

I went to my exam... I know I passed... miraculously... I know I passed this semester....

and so I can breathe a sigh of relief... which was about the time my aunt called... who I had asked to borrow money from around my birthday.. I wrote her this long email about how embarrassed I was but I couldn't find a job, I was literally desperate... without snow tires on my car, no way of paying rent and 100$ in my bank account .. I apologized for not calling but I was scared and embarrassed and I didn't know what else I should do.... at which point she wrote me that it was inappropriate to talk about this over email and she was leaving in 2 days for a month long trip....

So obviously I took that as a pretty clear "fuck off" so I ended up borrowing money from friends.... and she called today for the first time since that email to check in on me.... funny.

She saw that my step dad had a heart attack and a stroke and wanted to know how he was and that I was ok.... when I told he I haven't been doing well... that I spent the past two days completely fucked up and am barely keeping it together... that I have been borrowing money from friends... that I have no idea what's going to happen next.. that I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.... she asked about my getting a job... and then after a little chit chat she suggested that maybe I will have to drop out of school and work til I can pay for it.... I honestly couldn't believe it... how unsupportive.... and in the end she actually told me to take care of myself.... as if she ACTUALLY gave a shit..

I don't know about you... but how this whole love thing works is when someone ACTUALLY needs you... you show up... you don't abandon them at their WORST and expect them to be there for you. Its crazy.

So I got off the phone and talked to my housemate and told her... pissed.. and she said "you always tell me that I shouldn't get upset at people for not being like me.... you do it alot too... you get upset that people don't love as deeply as you, but they don't .. people don't know how to love like you do... how to support people like you do.... you can't be mad at them for that." perfectly... I felt better.

After that I talked to this woman who I met because I was serving her table one day and she said she would like to mentor me, as she is a nurse, she's lovely and we haven't met up but we were supposed to tonight... I was calling to cancel, but then through our conversation I felt better... I told her what my aunt said and she said "at the very least you can borrow money from me... you are not not finishing this program. " a complete stranger believes in me more than my own family. Its fucked.

So I went to tutoring. Then after called this friend of mine that I met last month... actually the story is fucked. I had one day working at this place and him and I went for a smoke.... then when I was leaving he had just left and I asked if he wanted a ride home.

I ended up driving him home and hung out with him for like 3 hours... he told me all this crazy shit about himself.. and I told him it was all ok.... wee talked about so much and he told me that I completely changed his life.. and texted me the next day to never leave. "I said never."

So I haven't seen him in a month.. ended up losing the job and told him"well I must have just had the job for a day to meet you :)"

He wrote me a couple of days ago and apologized for being out of touch... and told me he was really doing bad....

So I called him tonight and asked if he wanted me to come over.... and he said sure.. so I went over.

and he ended up telling me his deepest darkest secret.... he cried.. and I just kept my hand on his back and told him it was completely ok. we would figure it out...

he cried for like an hour...

apparently it was the first time he has cried in 3 years.

I told him that the universe puts these really fucked up things in our way to see how much we love ourselves.. and we have to learn to love ourselves through it all.. and the fact that he was even talking to me and crying means he loves himself more than most. God look at my family.

I told him that I love him.. and hugged him really tight and told him I would be his cuddle buddy... that I would fill the lonely-void any time he needed.. and I will always give him hope. If he ever needs hope... he can always call me... cause if I can come out of the depths of misery... then anyone can. If I can believe... ANYONE can believe.

I left him feeling rejuvenated... like I understood finally... this is all a test to see if I would give up on me.... NOPE. NEVER. And the answer to my question was "do nothing.. just love"

I got a letter on Monday from my biological father. Its the second one I have ever received. Its almost been a year since the last one.. the first one of my entire life... and in this one he told me he's sorry he procrastinates, something he wishes I didn't inherit - which I totally did.. lol... but just by saying that he was honouring the fact that I am his daughter.

Then he told me he was looking at sail boats... and how interesting it was looking for one after reading that I was interested in learning how to sail...

That he thinks about me almost daily.

He told me that rereading up my letter brings up emotions he doesn't even know how to express.. that feelings and emotions were not well recognized in his family and it has left him very confused over the years....

He told me that he has always felt unworthy... and that over the years hes started to accept himself more....

that he was looking forward to hearing from me and that h promises it won't be longer between correspondence....

ahhhh....

the truth? I feel more like him than anyone I know.... wanting to run away from it all because no one understands you... I think my father has always represented everything I admire... following your heart and making no apologies.... obviously he did it for the wrong reasons.. and we'll have to do a lot of healing... but he's represented the adventurer in me... and I am so grateful for that.

I have never been so patient for anything in my life.... I wanted to write him so many times... but I knew I just had to let him be... just wait. and I knew... someday... he would write back.

Reminds me of T.... I just hadn't learned the lesson yet. just be patient... just wait and take care of yourself and it will all work out.... believe... never give up hope.

I got home tonight feeling free again... I am not going to let anything get in the way of my success.. of my happiness...

so I danced in the kitchen... that's my 12.12.12

I believe.
it's all just happening as it should... I just need to get out of the way... and stop judging it.

A

What would you say to a friend who is dying? A letter to Cody.

For some reason I started watching some of the videos I had made this fall going through the break up with J... and then I came across the ones I did when I found out C. was dying, how I felt about what I could do.. being scared to want to help but not want to cross boundaries... to the letter I finally got the courage to write.

To be honest it is one of the most beautifully succinct letters I have ever written, and since C. has died... I have learned so much from that experience, along with all the other things that have happened in the past 3 months, and so I share this letter with you.. in the hopes that my words can offer you comfort if you too are facing such a crisis.

Namaste

C. my love. Alright, so I am afraid to write you this message, I am scared that I am going to upset you, I am scared that I am crossing lines in our relationship.. I am scared that I am not giving you the support you want... I am scared that you are going to get mad at me... I am most afraid that I am assuming I know what you need in terms of support and I know NOTHING.. so that I am giving you the wrong support... but in my heart I believe that when you know the TRUTH you have to speak the TRUTH. and well I wanted to do this in person.. but I figured I would just write you a note then you can digest and you can call me with any questions you have.

FIRST things first. If you want me to back off. you HAVE to tell me. You will not offend me. I will not take it personally. I need to know what YOU need. if that's just someone who talks about the weather.. then I will.. if that's someone who moves to Guelph to help you.. I will.. If that's just doing research and passing along the information then I will.. if that's me just holding your hand and being silent I will. If that is you want to cuddle and laugh.. I WILL.... I know when I am suffering, there are things I do not ask for because I am worried that I am a burden, I worry that I am asking too much, and I know that the people around me have their own lives and I don't want to impose.... YOU are NOT imposing on my life in ANYWAY. It is my honour to be of service to you and your soul's journey and I need you to get really present with what you want. I am intense.. and I know that sometimes I cross lines with what people can handle. So if I am. please tell me and know that I am so sorry.

First. we both know how today was going to go. The prognosis I am sure is really terrible. I am sure you are in a state of shock and convincing yourself that its all going to be fine... first things first. IT WILL BE FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE RIGHT NOW. Whatever you are going through right now, you have to stop being "strong" you have to honour your body. Honour your soul, and recognize how you feel.. yo have to STOP worrying about EVERYONE else.... you have to start LOVING yourself more than you ever thought possible.... and acknowledge your fears... let the wall comedown around you and be naked to the love around you. There are so many people that love you.... you have to let them.

You are a lot like me C., always with a smile, always looking and feeling like everything is ok... which is good... but stuffing emotions down is what causes sickness. Stress causes illness... and when your body is fighting as hard as it can, added stress will just exacerbate the problem. So first thing is you have to stand up to that little voice in your head that says that you have to be stoic, have to be strong, have to be positive.. you just have to be YOU.... YOU ARE PERFECT... just the way you are.

I believe that you are very very sick. I also believe you still can beat this. Whole heartedly I believe that... but it scares me to tell you that.. because of course I have no idea... I just believe in my heart that you can... but the question then falls on you...

If you want to beat this C. its honestly going to take every last little bit of you.. it requires a complete reversal of mental and physical strength.. its going to require a fight like you have never seen before. It's 90% mental and 10% physical. The mind has the capacity to change everything...

But I will tell you that in my experience... in my life its difficult to change the way you think... it has taken my whole life to start really embracing what I feel on the inside, because I am worried what everyone around me will think.... In order to heal your body you are actually going to have to put yourself FIRST. no questions. You are going to have to say to the universe... I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY WORLD.. and for a selfless, loving, kind person like you.... its going to be difficult because you've been conditioned that thinking you are the most important thing in the world means that you are SELFISH>

C. what I have come to realize in the past year is that loving yourself is SELF LOVE... its not selfish, because when you LOVE YOURSELF... when you are all filled up with love... then you are free to give that away, but you can't give that away unless you are FULL....

C. , I know your heart. Your heart is as big as they come.. and although I do not know you very well I know that most likely you have spent the past 6 years taking care of the people around you and not so much yourself.

This experience you are going through is forcing you to take care of yourself.. and to let the love in around you.

When I was in Korea I realized that I had cocooned myself into a world where I wouldn't let people love me... I think I did it because after mom died I was so worried to love, and to feel love because when you let yourself feel love.. you experience loss.

feeling love requires a vulnerability that is really really uncomfortable. It requires you to say YES to anything and everything people offer you.. it requires you to figure out what you want and ask for it... it requires you to find your voice and make NO apologies for yourself. It requires you to completely shift how you perceive the world.

I've been trying to do it for ten years now and really... I struggle everyday with trying to be myself.. and worrying what everyone is going to think of me... hence this letter.

So basically for me I watched mom die from cancer... and she tried alternative medicine.. so I have spent the past 10 years really investigating whether I believe in alternative medicine... and what I believe causes cancer.

Being in nursing school has confirmed my suspicions. STRESS causes CANCER. that is emotional, physical, energetic relational, nutritional. Stress causes cancer.

We live in a world where people do not get the proper support... I think its because no one really knows how to give it... I know in the past 10 years there are very few people who know that I need a phone call once in a while asking if I'm ok...

This is going to be a super long email and I apologize.. but I have to just get it out of my heart. I apologize if it upsets you, that is not my intention... my intention is to just give you my knowledge and let you do what you will with it. There is no time for me to be scared.

So... the number one goal in life.. I believe is to learn how to really and truly LOVE YOURSELF.

This requires an understanding of the body that is far from conventional. It requires you to recognize that you are a spirit living the human experience. you are MORE than the sum of your parts. and there is a voice inside you that you know.. its your intuition that speaks the truth to you.. and THAT is your SOUL.

Healing requires you to TRULY..believe that YOU HOLD THE POWER over your life. That's number #1. This is a scary notion, because well what if you are wrong? the way I see it is... it's scary to be wrong.. I am scared right now that telling you all this is wrong and that I should just shut up.. but... my heart tells me that I have to share and you will do with the knowledge how you please.

So in order to learn how to love yourself you have to be willing to look at how you've been treating yourself... whether you have been honouring yourself... and sometimes that means... telling people to fuck off. (lol... I may just be the first person you tell to fuck off.. and if that is the case.. well at least you are making progress :)) If you are tired you need to sleep.. if you are awake you need to exercise.

Moving your body is ESSENTIAL. you have to stretch, feel your toes.. feel every part of your body... and feel the pain. Recognize your body is in crisis.. that it is you.. and that you have the power to heal. The only way to heal the body is by honouring its complexity, honouring its uniqueness, and honouring the life you have been given. You got the shitty end of the stick with your dad dying... I also heard you were supposed to go to New Zealand.. and didn't... these two things are an enormous stressful burden on your heart, your head, your body and your soul...

Healing will require you to heal your sadness from all the trauma you have faced in your life... accepting it as the gift it was to teach you the lessons you needed to learn.. and this cancer that you are experiencing is the same thing... in its messed up way it is a gift... to see yourself as PERFECT.. that life happens, and we as humans try to control it, try to make ourselves feel better... but in the end we know very little about what is really going on.

So healing is going to require a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and nutritional shift... it is going to be very very difficult. But dying is going to be painful. You have to get really straight with yourself about your feelings around death. and not just let it happen. If you choose to not fight.. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE... you have failed NO ONE... sometimes that is the choice you have to make. and C.... it is OK to make that choice too... you are at a cross roads right now... and what ever decision you make you have to make it with POWER... because your mind controls everything.

If you want to fight to live.. I will do everything in my power to help. If you want to die... then I will do everything in my power to make sure that I help you with that journey. Whether that is making videos for the people you love.. or recording conversations.. or making a scrapbook.... you need to figure out in your heart what you wish your father had done for you and your family in a sentimental way.. and do that for yours.

You know everyone will be ok. But the world will be empty without you C.... truly. your heart is so unique.. and special that I don't want you to die... I want you to live.. but I understand that may not be your journey this time around. Death is scary. Its really really scary.

I do not know what you believe, but I will share what I believe. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we live our lives learning lessons and we keep coming back to learn those lessons... we grow as we are learning... and we only grow when shitty things happen. It s a weird juxtaposition... but I know in my life.. all the trauma I have experienced has shaped me into the person I am. and I wouldn't be the person I am without having suffered... and I think that I am a pretty nice, kind, open, non judgemental person. I walk around and see all the angry people in the world.. and I see that I am different... and I see that YOU ARE DIFFERENT... I think that is why I am writing you.. because people come in your life and you don't really feel connected.. but then there are a few that really impact you... and when I think of you C., I think of laughing and smiling and hugging I think of how good a soul you are.. how kind and generous... there are so few of your kind on the planet.. that I notice.

So.. sickness, because I believe that life is a series of lessons I believe that sickness is the biggest one. Most of the western world believes that illness is a problem.. an inconvenience... but anyone who has truly fought for their life and has survived... knows that their entire outlook on life has changed. It has shifted their perspective... and has shifted the perspective around them. Illness, when taken on full force has the power to heal the very depths of your soul... because you have the opportunity to learn how to love yourself. To do the little things for yourself that you need to.

Death is just coming to the end of a cycle... it is scary, only in that we spend our lives trying to control everything we do, everything around us.. and we live in a constant state of anxiety that something bad is going to happen to us.. death is letting go of all expectations.. letting go of all control and really giving ourselves to the earth.. to nature... to the powers that be.. whatever power you believe in. Its becoming one with everything. Our problem is that we are one in our bodies too.. we just don't recognize it.. and its difficult when everyone around us believes we are separate too.

There is not alot of support around death. I am sure you know that with your father.

I believe that our society is all fucked up. we should be talking about death our whole lives.. not out of fear, but so we are NOT afraid and we know what to do. I know that after my mom died I wished that she had written me a letter I could hold about how she felt about me.. I wish that I knew of a place she would want to go... so I could visit her. I wish that we had talked about her life and what she learned... and what she wanted for me... but we didn;t because she didn't want to talk about death.. and as a result it came.. without me being prepared.. and it was terrifying.. and has been terrifying since. I wish that someone had been able to mediate between us, so that she could have said what she wanted to say to me.. and I could to her... but I didn't want to bring it up.. and she didn't either. I don't feel like there were things left unsaid.. because I know in my heart she loved me dearly... but there are things that make a difference in the lives of the people we leave behind. And the way I see it now is had she just talked to me about those things... if she had gotten better well then no harm! and knowing that she died.. it would have made all the difference in the world.. and to be honest part of me feels that not talking about her fears was just another way that she suppressed her heart.. suppressed herself to fit an idea of the way she thought it SHOULD go.. as opposed to how it IS GOING.

C., we spend our entire lives trying to make everyone happy around us.. trying to plan and figure out how we are SUPPOSED to behave. the joke is.. you are not SUPPOSED to behave any way.. you are just SUPPOSED to be YOURSELF. If that means laughing at inappropriate things.. well then laugh at inappropriate things! lol.

Listen, I am sorry to be so heavy... but I felt the need to pass along the information I have. I do not know if it is the truth. But in my life I have found it to serve me very well.

As far as your recovery. Like I said.. you need to get REALLY straight with yourself about the battle you are about to face... truly get deep inside you.. and figure out what you REALLY Want and you are SCARED To say OUTLOUD.. once you figure out what you REALLY WANT.. you have to SAY IT OUTLOUD every chance you get and make NO apologies. I CHOOSE to LIVE.. or I CHOOSE to DIE.

Either way... I have your back. Either way you honour yourself.. your heart, your body and your spirit.. and I believe that is the lesson here. For you to learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF.

alright my love. that's enough of my intensity in your world. Because I know what I just wrote is incredibly different than most people's perspectives, I also understand that you may now just think I am crazy.. and want me to stay at a distance.

If this is the case then know that I love you.. and support you in whatever you are going through. give me a call when you want to talk or have any questions.
lots of love.. I love you from the end of your toes to the top of your soul.
xoxoxox
A.
as my mom would say, Angels on your pillow.

giving in.

So... I have had a really interesting weekend... and past couple of weeks...

but last night I ended up having a really interesting conversation with my best friend... who is also on a similar journey as me. She just met this man that she fell instantly in love with... and he said he didn't want to have children and she has since had to accept that she cannot sell out on herself.. and so subsequently had to break up with him... I see so much of me and T. in her relationship...

where she is him and this guy is more like me.... but talking to her, I have come to accept that she is doing the right thing for her... and he doesn't know himself well enough to let go.... accept himself fully... and be ok with his own decision and hers...

I see myself in him, because I still am not at a place where I feel secure enough in who I am that I see myself even capable of letting a relationship go that isn't exactly what I want.

I have felt more comfortable sharing about my feelings towards T with her, now that she understands how when you meet someone who resonates on the same frequency.. how quick you can fall in love with them....

I realized something last night.... that for three months I have been beating myself up for having these emotions.... telling myself constantly how stupid I am.. how rediculous this is to not let a guy go when he hasn't even responded to me in a month and a half.... I feel rediculous.. like I'm missing something.. and then our conversation flickered light into a space in my heart that felt so dark and confused....

she asked me, if I felt this way about T. and I knew that if I knew that my lack of athleticism was one of the main complaints he had.... why I didn't start working out every day since.... it was an interesting question..and ironically I had thought the same thing yesterday earlier.

One thing about us, I realized is that what really kept us apart is that our deepest struggles. My weight is my biggest.... its almost like I can't admit it to myself... because admitting it is saying I don't love myself... and its so daunting.... its not something that I can fix overnight.

Its like I, unconsciously don't want to put the effort in... just incase I fail... I have struggled with the excuses I come up with my whole life. I have lost a lot of weight, but recently I have put my health again on the back burner...

in the conversation I allowed myself to for a split second stop beating myself up.. and said "maybe I should just accept that I am rediculously in love with this guy.. and put the effort I need to into myself in order to become this woman I want to be... with the hopes that we find eachother again... something to look forward to.... maybe in that process I will come to realize that I don't even want to be with him... but right now I am stagnant... I am resisting how I am feeling and it has left me in this space where I am not progressing externally... " for a split second... allowing myself to not feel guilty for feeling this way about him I felt a sense of relief... like I didn't need to fight any more....

it seems so counter intuitive to allow myself to love a man that doesn't love me back... and make the changes I need to make to see if I can become the woman he needs me to be.... because I don't want to change for a man... but then, I can't deny the relief, the sense of calm and the excitement of being able to actually do something about the situation instead of sitting back and feeling ripped off.... like I'm not good enough....

because really its what I want for me too...

not to mention its not just the losing the weight.. its knowing that I can accompish ANYTHING I put my mind to.. its knowing my own resolve, knowing my own strength ... becoming a woman and no longer a girl who expects things to just come to her without putting the effort in. This is something that spreads throughout so many areas of my life.

I play small... its so difficult to push myself out of that space.... it really requires me to move out of my head and into my heart and accepting how much I want this and not self sabbotaging myself... because I am scared... its really putting myself in the space of creator..

they say what you resist, persists.... I think this is one of those things.... I can't change how I feel about him.. I can't make myself stop thinking about him.. I can't force myself to not remember... so I have to accept that I feel this way.. and do something for myself.. that will hopefully empower me to move through this feeling and beyond it.

I want to be able to look down at my body and be proud of what I have accomplished....

I will tell you, my weight is so hard to admit that I don't like because everyone says you should love yourself.. that you shouldn't judge yourself...its easy to buy into that.. and think that its not loving yourself to want to change.. but authentically it is completely the opposite... I need to love myself enough to be honest about how I feel about myself..and make the changes necessary to feel as whole and beautiful as I know I can be...

and hopefully if I can actually do this.. the process may actually allow me to see my greatness.... give me the confidence I need to make the changes in the world I really want to make.

so here's to hoping.... giving in to the emotions.. and no longer resisting that I am not designed any other way.. this is my journey.. and no matter how much I try to deny it.. there it is.. looking myself in the mirror every day.

wish me luck.
A

its so difficult to actually admit that you want to change for not only yourself... but for someone else.. it feels very unnerving and out of control... because who wants to want to change for someone else...thats so vulnerable.. what if I become that woman and he doesn't want me still? or worse, I don't want him.. after all the letters...all the hoping?

but I guess its just the game of life... I won't know unless I try... give it my all.. and see what happens. I certainly would want him to want to change for me....

The other thing is I have realized that I am not at a place in my life where I feel worthy enough yet.. where I could stay true to what I want yet... so in an interesting way I feel blessed that we never did end up getting together... because it would be so easy for me to just compromise on myself... just to keep him.. and if anything does happen in the future.. after pushing me away for so long.. I have to be at a place where he has to prove himself to me... or anyone for that matter... instead of just accepting the minimum... I need to feel worthy of having everything.. and be the kind of person that allows a man to fight for me... show me that he wants no one else but me.. and no longer feel so insecure about being abandoned.

That's my biggest karmic barrier.... abandonment. I know I am on the right path to breaking that cycle... but man its so difficult to figure out what I need to do in order for me to get through that fear. This scares the shit out of me... admitting this is even scary... especially because he may even read this one day... and being comepletly honest about what I still struggle with... the fear of failing... is all very trying.

Who knew tackling my biggest demon, my weight,  is the only way I will overcome my fear of abandonment... they seem so far from eachother.. and yet.. there they are... self sabbotage... maybe its because its way easier to accept someone doesn't like me for my weight.. than for who I am...

ugh. I really don't want to have to do this! lol.

Another thing I have recently realized is I really don't know what I want. I had come to this feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship.. a traditional relationship.. that I don't even know if I want to have kids... but I don't know.... because of this experience with T. watching my friend and her decision... I can't deny that there is a large part of me that wants to be married and have a family of my own. I think maybe I just have lost hope that I could have it all.. and its easier to simply accept that its not going to happen.. instead of wanting it and being dissapointed.

Working really hard for something and then not getting it I think plagues most of us.... fear of failing instead of embracing the journey.. that I will never be the same person again.. regardless of the outcome.. I will learn about myself.. I will become someone I don't know yet... and maybe that's what scares me the most.

not having any more excuses for having the life I want.

Fuck this following your dreams is confronting. No wonder its so difficult to get to happiness... you really have to deal with everything in your life that keeps you from it.

A

letting go

Its so hard to let go.. and this one is by far the hardest...

On my birthday I finally deleted T's phone number from my phone... I just realized that if he couldn't even get himself to be kind to me when I needed someone who understood me the most.. that I just couldn't torture myself anymore....

then two nights ago when I was having a panic attack about money, my inner voice told me to be quiet... get really quiet... and in htat space I started thinking about the feelings I have not allowed myself to feel.. and dissapointment poured over me... sadness... about my family... and out of that space I got this thought that I should send T an email trying to find out if he too had the same feelings about his parents.. that maybe if everything else about us is the same.. then maybe his biggest issue with his parents is the same.. and thinking back about all the things he shared with me about them.. remembering back I could remember the hurt I could sense off him, the dissapointment... the lack of love... but he didn't believe me when I told him it was their lack of self love....

So I wrote him this letter about whether he could identify with me.... I'll be honest.. part of the reason I realized this about myself was I asked myself why I constantly look for men that don't reciprocate the love I have for them.. and then saw that reflection in my family... and so part of me wondered if T. behaved from the same place.... because his parents maybe did the same thing...

here's the letter

Is this how your parents have treated you over the years? You just love them and love them and love them and they just ignore you? They don't recognize how difficult it has been for you to love them? That they've done so many fucked up things you have a trunk full of reasons you could have given up on them... but you try and understand... and give them the benefit of the doubt... but still they continue to dissapoint you...

Until you just stop caring so much...cause it hurts too much to be constantly rejected by the people you love more than anything in the world.

That you would do anything for the people you love and you don't understand how they won't for you... that they don't seem to love you the way you love them... and maybe you've thought a few times in your life maybe its you that's fucked up? And you question how much you love people because it seems like there is no one else on the face of the planet that loves as deeply and authentically as you?

That if you actually feel that feeling... that it feels like immense dissapointment and that if you could actually have them realize how much you love them you'd tell them that its been really really difficult ... that they Really have done just about everything in their power to push you away... to make it so you can't really love them the way you want to? Because they just won't let you? Because they are too closed off... they just keep pushing you away... silently?

Then since I wrote that... I have gone through the anxiety of no money.... am back a little more in trusting again... and I found myself writing this letter:


So since I sent that email to you I have realized that I have been completely conditioned to love people who dont know how to love me back.

That I beg for them to love me...and it seems normal to me.

Theres nothing wrong with it... Except its not trusting the universe... It has me not knowing how to be receptive...

I see now how my texts and my emails to you are just another facet of that addiction.... To love someone who doesnt love me back and to hope to the point where all evidence points towards giving up.

I dont know how to let things just be.

I have learned so much about muself in trying to figure you out over the past 3 months... I wouldnt change anything...but I see where I still struggle with trusting the universe that I actually am worthy of someone loving me without having to work so hard at proving myself.

So with this I say goodbye. Not like the last times where I hoped you would turn around and beg me to stay in your life... But rather.. I believe that you have come in to my life to show me everything I have learned about myself... And that there is no more to learn from thinking about you... Or wanting to help.. Or support.. Or prove myself....

So I thank you for being true to your heart and giving me the opportunity to learn about how I interact with men without getting my heart too broken..

Weird how the universe works.

Much love and light


*****

I feel good about it.. and then I think of how I felt when I looked into his eyes and for the only time in my entire life felt completely understood and completely loved. it just boggles my mind... its so difficult for me to tell myself it wasn't what I really felt... that's the hardest thing on this journey... is trying to convince myself that he isn't right.... but I guess its that I have to learn how to be more receptive... that's sooooo difficult for me... I don't trust that things will flow easily.. I always feel like I am in crisis... and things are difficult. I need to learn that I really am worthy of having a man court me... although I'll be honest.. that scares the shit out of me! lol...

receptivity.... allowing life to flow.

next stop... who knows.

A.

Glee- Dynamic Duets and a bunch of rambling.

Wow.

All I can say is Wow.

This weeks Glee was by far the one I related to most, enjoyed, resonated with, understood and I applaud the script, the choice of songs and the entire vibe the episode brought.

It was light hearted and had silly jokes that made my heart smile, yet it revealed layers of people in a concise, simple way. The episode had flavours of all of our inner hero.... we all want to dress up as super heros! I mean god, if you didn't smile and think.. man that would be fun! then you don't have a heart I swear.. but every person has a little kid in side them that wishes that life could be like that.... could be happy....

I thought the use of muiic was extraordinary.... the simple choice of dark side by Kelly Clarkson for Blanes testing of going back...

It's weird, that song has totally been my anthem since all the shit went down with J. It was like I was constantly trying to convince myself that I should be ok that I have these parts of me.... fuck.. do you know how scary it is to look at your life and realize that you have behaved in a way that is completely against all perceptions of a proper, healthy woman? It's confusing... I feel like somehow I steared myself wrong and that I should be ashamed.. but at the same time its like I did it... and if I hadn't done it I wouldn't be where I am in terms of how much I know... so.... maybe its not WRONG.... and maybe I should be ok about it.. and accept myself for the person I am....

Fuck... honestly, even thinking about that gives me a stomach ache.. its like my heart is pulling on my heart. My heart wants to just love me, just the way I am and tell myself that I tried my best... and for that I should be proud... and ever look back..... and my head tells me that I should be ashamed that I should take this blog down and pretend like it never happened.... remain embarrassed.. worried, that someday.. if I changed the world.. someone would find shit on me... show the world and then people wouldn't trust me any more....

It's really hard for me to admit, but I feel like that is what drives me to write all this down.... because I see how people aren't trusted because they weren't honest from the get go... not that anything changed about the person... but just the perception of the person.... and if I.. by some miracle can change this world for the better, I want everyone to know, everything they want to.... I am not hiding anything. I am who I am, and it scares the shit out of me.

I literally feel like I'm going crazy more times than I can count. I get these ideas like I am born to change the world... and then I think to myself... that's retarded... how the hell are you going to do that... and my inner voice... my intuition if you will says "who knows... just follow your life... just let life happen.. and it will happen".. its really the most fucked up thing that I have ever experienced... just pure clarity. pure trust in the universe to provide for me every lessson I need to learn in order to truly be abundant with love, happiness, prosperity, dharma.

That its all a gift... every last second of your life is a gift.... in some fucked up way...

anyways.. total stoner tangent :) lol

So ya.. Glee... It was soo interesting how they showed ugh.. what are their names... I'm really bad with names... lol... the two who are chasing after Marlie.... anyways... lol shows how much I pay attention :P lol it was really interesting how they showed how so many of our problems with each other are based in misunderstandings.. in our hurt.. not our love.... and its so easy for that to happen too... it was amazing writing to have the extremely vulnerable moments with Finn and Ryley (sorry if I spelll their names wrong... not one of those details I really paid attention to!) The acting was really well done.. but it was what he was saying... the testing scene was phenomenol.. because I feel like it was a way to show boys that are watching.. that if they ever feel like that.. that there is something that can be done.. and that they aren't stupid. My borther was one of those kids.. I have no idea if its plagued him his whole life.... but I can see how easily it could... always feeling stupid... and when he says that he remembers when he was 6 getting separated.. every person in the world has a story where they thought they were going to lose their parets love for being different... for not being what they thought their parent wanted and we felt ashamed.. like we didn't reach their expectations... and we've all been beating ourselves up ever since.

I thought it was really well tie into the scene with Blaine feeling guilty about what he did to Kurt.  Every person on the planet feels guilty about something they did and spendds the rest of their life hating themselves for it... whether you were 6 or 56.... we are all good people.. who have made decisions that have shaped our path.. some towards love and the people we want to become and others towards fear, resentment, hostility, disrespect all the feelings that breed unhappiness..... but it is in the simple of going through those experiences that we learn it is not who we want to be.... we wouldn't know we wouldn't want to be that way, unless we had tried it out.... and so yes.... you can try again.... you can tell yourself its ok you fucked up.. but today is a new day and I am no longer going to punish myself.

I struggle with it all the time. My biggest secret... how unbelievable dissapointed in my family I am. they were not there for me the way they should have been... and how they really let me down... and they have hurt me alot in my life...

I couldn't even IMAGINE doing the things they have done to me... I would feel unbelievably guilty..... well there you have it... the thought process that just went through me was..

"well why do you want them to feel guilty?"
"because you would feel guilty."
"well then maybe that's your thing and not theirs?"

"fuck"

so I know that true love is understanding that people just don't know any better and that you have to love them through it, while they are learning.. that everyone is at a different stage.. and you have to just love them.... and not take it personally....(that's the hardest part.... I always take it personally.. fuck)

they totally dissapointed me.... but really.... maybe I'm the one who is supposed to teach them... and stop thinking that they did something to me.. but rather... I can teach them a better way, by just being love.... that in the end... if I just love love love.... be brighter... show people that we can just understand eachother.. that we are all scared... scared of people seeing who we really are.... we are all scared of people not loving us anymore....

but we all just love eachother.. inately. We are all the same in terms of our emotions.... its our uniqueness that makes us a perfect bouquet of flowers.

Its so easy to think that our differences are bad.... but we all bring a unique perspective.. and we all have something to teach eachother.

you know... once I asked a kid I met what his favorite cookie was... he said a Pik Freans (sorry if I spelled that wrong too.. lol) anyways... I asked him if he ate it a certain way.. and he said yes... so I asked him how..he started to explain it and then said "want me to just show you?".... I couldn't believe we had the cookie!!! So I said "sure!" so we sat on this rock at the cottage... looking out on the lake while he showed me how to properly eat a cookie... he even had a full on technique and explained it all to me... you bit the cookie part off around the jelly center, being careful not to take the cream with it.... using your teeth and lips... then you eat the jelly... then you scrape the crea off with your teeth, then you eat the bottom cookie.

it was perfect. and a 7 year old taught me.

and it was a perfect moment.

We all have something to teach.. if we all just let ourselves be willing to not know all the answers... and being ok with fucking up....being able to forgive ourselves for not knowing any better.... and for misunderstanding... and for hurting people we loved... and for not being true to our own hearts.

I'm going to get pictures done of my mom and I in a photo booth and give it to my step dad that says.. even if you forget, we remember.. we love and miss you. xox A. and Dana.

we lose ourselves in our grief... we punish ourselves and it leaves us making choices we wouldn't have otherwise made had we seen more clearer.... so forgive yourself... and follow the path you were born to live... and make your experiences the gift you have to teach other people.... be thankful for all your mistakes.. because through teaching yourself... you now know how to teach someone else.

that's all I got for tonight... a bunch of rambling.. I know its pretty cluster fucked.... but it really was a train of thought.
ciao.

what I wrote when I was 20

here's what I wrote when I was 20:

If I died tomorrow will I have lived? Will I have done what I am supposed to on this Earth? Would I have any regrets?

I have done all I can in regards to Chad, to friends, to self healing. On the eve of this day I find myself contemplating my entire existance. Is there a place for me here? A 20 year old child wandering this Earth. So much has happened in the past 2 decades!.. Is there just as much to learn this time around? I wonder! Will the stars still hold their beauty? Will my eyes still continue to shine? Will my sympathy of human nature continue to exist? Will I still trust people? What friends will be there? Will I have been in love by then or will I be up to 100 men? Will people still smile? Will I still think of Chad on a weekly basis? Or will he be gone from my memory.. a long lost thought, an effort barely mentioned? Will my parents still be here to wish me Happy Birthday? Or will I have to remember their voice in the memories? Ryan will be 15. Life will be different.. more experienced. More pain, more happiness, more love, more betrayal. 10 years is a ways to go, but it happens so fast. 20 years old, the idea scares me. Do you really think happiness exists? Will I ever be happy? We'll see.

the answer is : yes.

when serendipity starts scaring the shit out of you

i read once that when you are close to enlightenment... serendipity becomes a common experience.. that as you become more and more present you notice that every little thing happens at precisely the perfect moment that leads to something else perfect... its weird.... because its happening to me.

i am pretty much writing in a state of anxiety. when I made my last post.... I had this feeling that someone would find it... that i offered something unique.. and that the difference that I want to make in the world is just blossoming.... but really how the fuck do yo utell yourself that you may be the kind of person that makes a profound contribution to humanity?

its way too big... its way too scary... so I just go moment by moment.... responding however i am supposed to....

it was just a feeling.... and i just came on to find that the post has been seen more in the past day than anything i have every written has ever been seen. in 5 days. its really intimidating... i am terrified. TERRIFIED.... terrified that people will actually start reading this... and want to know who i really am... to put a face to a name is the most terrifying feeling in the world.... to have everyone know my secrets... my life.... its weird though.. because my friends know this side of me.... i'm authentic with the people i meet.. i'm just scared of everyone else.... i'm so scared to be judged... and to be misunderstood.

Ah well, i guess it will happen exactly as it needs to.


My dad had a heart attack this weekend.... the weekend had a profound impact on me and again i felt like everything that has been happening lately set me up perfectly for the weekend to go better than i could ever had dreamed of.....

I figured my family out :) they all have huge hearts but are sooooooo hard on themselves they are hard on everyone else... that's why i always second guessed myself....

it was so nice to just not need them to be perfect anymore and just love them.... and try to understand them... and talk.... in pure calmness. even my neice commented that everytime i come home i appear calmer. :)

I ended up having the most amazing conversation with J. The first person I wanted to call when I found out about my dad ... oh ya, I decided fuck it... he's my dad even though he'sbeen a jerk at times.. everyone else's dad's have problems too.... so I'm now going to refer to him as my dad..... anyways.. ya... so I wanted to talk to J... his dad had had a stroke shortly after we started dating, so i knew he knew how it felt...I had to tell myself that despite everything he loved me... and I needed to let him try again.... he ended up texting me and telling me he'd be free to talk the next day after noon.... when I finally checked my phone the next day it was about 2 and we chatted for about an hour and a half.... and it was so lovely.... I asked him how he was....where he was and then got up the courage to ask him about his relationship and his girlfriend... honestly there was a moment where my heart broke... I didn't want to let it be real... but then I just told myself that I wanted to know.. that I want him to be happy.. so if he is.. that's all that mattered.

I asked.. at first he was hesitant.... but then he started opening up... he told me that her daughter is just madly in love with him... and has been trying to call him dad... that they have decided where they are going to get married.. and are thinking about opening an outdoor equipment store... he sounded so happy... :) when I asked him if they were going to have a baby he said that they are.... i told him he's going to make a great dad... he said that he was scared.... i told him.. just figure out where his dad messed up and don't do the same thing... :)

I told him that he's going to make a great husband and that I was sooo happy for him... that its weird how life works out.. that we didn't want to leave eachother... we fought against it... we fought eachother..... but in the end it had to happen like that so we both learned what we needed to learn in order for him to find his soul mate and for me to find myself :)

I told him i love you at the end.. and he said I love you too.

it was so beautiful for me to be able to get out of my being hurt so I could actually get to listen to how happy he was... I love that man so much I'm just thrilled that some how he's letting love in!

I've been up all night finishing things in my house that I haven't finished.... telling myself to just do whatever feels good.... in so doing I ended up coming across pictures of me and my friends on my 17th, 18th, 19th and 21st birthdays.... it was sooo fucking weird.... i was putting pictures up on the wall... and then I'd have a thought and go do some dishes.. then I would have a thought about some random thing that would lead me to think of something that would lead me to think of a person whose picture I wanted on my wall.. so I would go and look for it through the boxes of pictures I have... and this happened 3 times where I found the pictures in different boxes.. I also came across pictures i had never seen of my mom the day i was born and then breastfeeding me for the first time.. they were so beautiful... there was a picture of me on my 1st birthday and then on my 5th birthday I think? it was really weird to just happen to stumble across them.... the coolest thing was because I had waited til tonight... had procrastinated every single minute for the past year and a half and havent finisehed my wall of photos... tonight, on the birth of my 3rd decade I got to scan pictures from every part of my life and remember all the beautiful people that have contributed so graciously to my life....

Smoking weed, putting pictures up, cleaning the dishes with my favorite music playing and candles every where......a cup of tea.. a few smokes... incense and an oil lamp... christmas lights... all the things that I have collected throughout my life scattered throughout my house.... my house finally feels like me...  i finally feel my mother. I finally feel. love. just love.

and I am sitting here as countless messages keep streaming in from all these beautiful people telling me how wonderful and nice and kind and thoughtful and special, beautiful.... i'm overwhelmed from the love. OVERWHELMED at who I have become.... a zorba buddha.... party with the best of them.. and have compassion as deep as the cosmos.

well today is going to prove very interesting I feel in my bones.

I've been up all night... I need to sleep.

A

30 years of lessons - what i have learned

Now I will be the first to admit that many of the things I have learned still allude me on a regular basis. When I was 20 I heard something once that said "knowing makes no difference".But.. now I have realized how true that is.

I have, in the past week, been told that I should write a book from a handful of people... I was told tonight from a friend at school that she thinks that if people were in crisis I should be the person they talk to and that I can help... I was told last week by a random stranger that she thought everyone should know me.. I have always felt that I have something special about me... but i am only recently starting to really own it.... recognize it and believe in it. It really came to fruition 2 weeks ago when I just happened to call a woman I had met 6 months ago, randomly... to find out her daughter was killed in a car accident.... somehow I was available emotionally to help support her and her family the entire weekend while they dealt with the death, the wake, the funeral.... and in that process I finally found myself as calm and as integrated inside of me as I have ever been...

i was reading the last 2 posts I have made.. and of course I have fallen back into suffering and questioning myself over the past month.. hence the no writing... but i am recognizing that it really is the journey.. it takes practice, fortitude and a level of self compassion to allow yourself to falter on the road to self actualization. I am starting to realize that I am highly educated and through simply who I am i have found the TRUTH. My TRUTH is everyone's truth, whether they want to believe it or not.... and my soul desire in the world is have people truly love themselves.. that I have been on my own journey in order to be able to share the tools i have gained through life so that other people have them too, and that because of my age, because of just who I AM... I can share the information in a way that lands for people who would otherwise feel like they were different than the rest....

So I continue to share in the hopes that who I am represents something in you that you are scared to admit, scared to be.. and through my own journey I offer you the gift of HOPE.

So... my truth

My lessons.

1. Say thank-you every time someone pays you a compliment... this may be difficult at first... our tendency is to either brush it off or compliment the other person and remove the feeling from ourselves... by doing this you rob the other person of the gift of a compliment... you know how good it feels when you give someone a compliment? you know how good it feels when you make someone else smile and feel good about themselves? you know how you stop giving people compliments who don't listen to them? well that goes for you too... when you don't acknowledge the simple gift of the compliment you rob the other person. Take a moment.. breathe.. take the compliment in... and say thank you. acknowledge the kindness, the thoughtfulness, the energy it takes for someone to get out of themselves to care about you....

you don't even have to agree! that's the best part.... but little by little, the more you let yourself hear the compliments the more you start believing them.. the more you see their truth and the more you realize you are way more awesome than you think you are.

2. Start listening to the way you talk to yourself. You will quickly find yourself saying to yourself the MEANEST things in the world.. things you wouldn't DARE say to anyone...even your worst enemy.... and if you are one of those people that say mean things to people.. this is simply because you do it to yourself.... remember.. in your heart you are still just a child... looking for love, affection, attention and acceptance.... you have to learn how to treat YOURSELF with compassion and kindness, acceptance.... how can you possibly think someone else is going to treat you this way... a stranger.. if you, yourself don't even feel this way...

So start listening to yourself.. and every time you hear yourself say ANYTHING mean.... say something nice right away.... i started playing a game with myself where I started saying the opposite... just for fun... not that I believed it.. or agreed...

I learned once that your brain is structured in a way that whatever wires together fires together..... what that basically means is that if there is a thought you have that automatically brings about another thought... it will always be that way.. but our brains are plastic... they have plasticity which basically means they can change... so if you change the way you think... you actually change the way your brain fires.... so... if you break the thought process between event A and the thought that is negative, you can actually start changing the way you think about yourself.. thus changing the way you relate to yourself.. and ultimately can learn how to accept and love yourself.. DESPITE your faults....

SELF LOVE - that's the only thing that you should focus on.... everything comes from self love... and everything bad comes from self hatred.


the trickiest thing about this experience is that you will find simply because you talk to yourself like shit you completely ignore anything good about yourself..any compliments.. you only focus on the shitty parts of yourself....

now one thing I have seen in myself and others around me is there is a tendency to think that you can't love yourself because you feel that by loving yourself you accept who you are and become complacent... THIS IS NOT TRUE... by listening to yourself.... by changing the way you talk to yourself.. you are learning how to honour who you REALLY are.. and as you learn to love yourself.. you learn to honour yourself... and you start realizing that you have REALLY REALLY BIG DREAMS... and that by loving yourself you start honouring your dreams.. and start putting things in place to make those dreams a reality. your reality.

So.... listen to yourself... whenever you hear yourself say anything negative say the opposite.... say i love you, say I love myself.... say the sky is blue... say i love my cat... count.... you can do this in your head by the way :P lol.... but honestly.... if its too difficult to say things like I love myself.. or the opposite try anything positive... when you are saying "why are you always late? what's wrong with you?" to say "it's ok to be late, you are doing your best", or "why do you always choose partners that don't give a fuck about you? you are so stupid!" saying "you are so beautiful" or "you are soo lazy, why can't you just get your ass to the gym." ... "its all a journey you'll get there." Just keep trying to be nice to yourself.. that's the most important thing...

THE TRUTH - your parents fucked up.. they fucked up large... EVERYONE's parents fucked up... they fucked up because they didn't know any better... they fucked up because they only know what they know.. they learned from their parents... and them from theirs... how can you possibly expect that they knew ANYTHING? THE TRUTH - they didn't give you the love you needed.... because they don't love themselves.. and if you can't even love yourself.. HOW THE FUCK can you love your kids properly????

My greatest gift was my mother dying... for SOOO many reasons... but it offered me the opportunity to have an objective opinion on my mom... because i don't have to navigate the relationship any more.... I have no concerns about being angry, or upset or thinking something bad about her.. because I don't have to see her!!!! BUT.. you don't have to wait for your parents to die to realize that they are simply you, just 20/30/40 years older... they don't have a freaking clue! their dreams were shattered... and their hope when down the tubes... and you got to see it happen.... FORGIVE THEM.

recognizing that your parents fucked up.. that some of the things you thought were true ARE NOT true... doesn't mean that your parents are bad people... and it certainly doesn't mean you can't love them... your recognition of their behaviour, their beliefs as not being what you feel is right... has no bearing on your desire to love them.... we are all children.... your parents are children.. and typically we all get stuck at some fucked up point in our lives where the trauma in our lives was left up to us to navigate... without any guidance (cause no one else knew how to navigate it) you were left to cope... some people miraculously figure out how to deal with trauma.... but most of us just push the pain down.. hoping one day for someone to bring it to the surface and hold us and make the pain go away... we are all stuck at some random point in our lives.... if we don't let ourselves off the hook, if we don't let ourselves FEEL that trauma... and find ways of processing it.. it will always remain inside you... and everytime something else bad happens, it will bring up the pain... so you try to avoid ALL PAIN....

NEWS FLASH - you can't avoid all PAIN.. IT IS THERE... remember.. pain and suffering is like the waning of the moon.. its not bad ... its just life....

SO... your parents fucked you up.... so now it is YOUR responsibility to learn better.. and start treating yourself the way you KNOW your parents SHOULD HAVE..... BE YOUR OWN PARENT

I honestly had to learn how to brush my teeth everyday, how to do my dishes regularly, how to make my bed... how to go to sleep at a reasonable hour... I'm still trying to teach myself basic ways of caring for myself... and some of that isn't my mother, or my step father's doing.. some of it is simply I just haven't cared to take care of myself....

You have to remember you are the creator, you are the designer of YOU... you are the canvas and your spirit is the ARTIST.... YOU GET TO DECIDE... so start small.... I honestly started with brushing my teeth.... and go from there.. congratulating yourself at every new goal you set for yourself that miraculously you achieve.. and EVERYTIME you succeed celebrate... AND everytime you FAIL tell yourself how proud of yourself you are for trying and recognizing the failure... and try again... this simple act will change your relatedness with yourself.


you got the shitty end of the stick.. your life isn't the way you think it should be... you aren't the person you wanted to be.. or thought you'd be... circumstances have got you to where you are... its a far stretch.. but I promise there will be a point where you realize that it all happened just as it should have. You didn't know any more than you did.... you made mistakes, other people made mistakes.... random events happened in your life... but everything is there to teach you something.. and once you learn it it will serve you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE...

you will continue to experience the same things in your life until you learn the lesson...

so learn the lesson!!!

I heard once.. suffering is only useful until it isn't. THIS IS TRUE. I KNOW.

Remember... this is the first time in HISTORY that we have had so much time, resources and support to deal with our shit... to look at our inner conversation... to look and analyze our own emotions... when you are trying to figure out how to survive tigers, wolves, swords, arrows, bullets, the elements, trying to find food, water, trying to feed your kids.... find shelter, warmth, or coolness, when you are trying to SURVIVE.. you don't have time to figure out how you think and how that impacts you... and your life. SO GIVE HISTORY a BREAK!!!!

We are evolving as a species... we all had to go through EVERYthing we have... the good and bad have all lead us to here... so embrace the history, accept it as what HAD to happen..because GUESS WHAT - it happened... so there really is no other answer.

NOW... I think that one of the most difficult things to accept in order to accept what I know and what I have to say is spirituality... as someone of science I know how difficult it is to jump the expanse of spirituality and science.... but I assure you, from all the things I know.... spirituality is science... and i believe that everything I believe will eventually be proven by science.... I just choose to be able to discern the truth from fiction and be at the front of the pack instead of the back.

MIRROR MIRROR

EVERYTHING you don't like about other people is something that you don't like about yourself... THAT IS THE TRUTH... I know.. its difficult to palate... but its difficult to palate only because we think its bad... but it isn't bad.. it just IS. YOU ARE HUMAN! I know... SURPRISE! lol... but you are... that means... by our very nature we have the capacity to experience every emotion, react in any way... we have the ability to kill.... the biggest realization I am currently coming into is the realization that what is good and bad behaviour only comes from the INTENTION behind the act.... if you were to kill someone trying to kill your children that would be morally good.... because it came from LOVE - that is the only compass you need. Did your actions come from love? yes? then be done with the self criticisms and move on. and if not... well then now you know better.. MOVE ON.

People come into your life to teach you about you... how you react to them is how you react to yourself.... if you watch how you react to other people... you will see the conversation you have with yourself.. because how could you possibly react differently? its a reaction....

if you don't care for other people properly... you don't care for yourself properly... if you make other people cry... you typically are that mean to yourself too... if you think people are stupid.. you think you are stupid... if you think other people are weird... you think you are weird....

if you judge others.. you judge yourself... and there's no point in hating on yourself.. if you hate on yourself you will stay small ... you will never think you are worthy of greatness... and then you rob the world of the gift you were born to contribute to the planet.. the entire planet will be at a loss without you.... you have to learn to FORGIVE yourself.. and choose the behaviour you want yourself to contain...

self awareness is difficult.. it takes countless moments of being present .. of looking for your own truth.. of criticizing, learning and wanting to change.... trying and failing.. its the only way... learning to love yourself is not an overnight thing... and it doesn't mean that you stop changing, evolving and growing.. it simply means you refuse to beat yourself up along the way of growth.

Many people believe that self love is selfish.... SELF LOVE IS THE OPPOSITE OF SELFISHNESS

There is a feeling inside us all that we are trying to fill.. its a void... it is usually felt at our hearts.... in the center of our chest.... its where you feel hurt.... its the space that you feel filled up when you feel loved.. its the space that you are trying to fill with love... sometimes we try and numb ourselves to this void through sex, drugs, food, exercise, talking, cleaning, driving, alcohol, work.. its amazing the ways we try and fill this void.... its also amazing to me that it is possible to do healthy things like exercise to fill this void.... but I ASSURE you.. if your behaviour does not coexist with self love... then it will not fill the void.

Something really interesting i have found about myself is my relatedness to sex. So we all know that I have had sex with many men.... you can judge it as good or bad.... but it just is.... when looking back on it.... and to be honest I still sleep with men who I am not in a relationship with... but when I look back on the reasoning behind the sex.. I see that i have had one night stands for a plethora of reasons.... because i was lonely, because I was hurt and wanted to numb the hurt, because I wanted just to be touched, because I wanted to feel close to someone, because I was horny, because I wanted an orgasm, because I wanted to feel beautiful, because I wanted validation, because I wanted to feel alive, because it was a game, because I wanted love.... the interesting thing is to see that the act was the same it was the motivation behind the act that changes whether the act is healthy or unhealthy.. not the act itself.

realizing that it is the motivation behind the action that determines its health is a profound realization......

and now I have sex to have fun. period.

and guess what.. SEX IS SO MUCH FUN! I have learned so much from having sex with so many different people... its when you get people at their most vulnerable place... and its fascinating to look back at all the different men i have met, their behaviour, their lives, their rooms.... the consistencies and their unique attributes.... what determines a man from a boy.... but at the end of the day.... it is fun... IT SHOULD BE FUN - and your desire to engage in any behaviour should be based on your love and honouring of yourself.

The space we are all trying to fill in our "hearts" is actually us... we are desperately looking for ourselves.... the child inside of us NEEDS the adult we have become to take care of ourselves....

YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY IF YOU ARE LOOKING TO FILL THIS VOID IN ANY OTHER WAY THAN THROUGH SELF LOVE.

I read a book recently called "The art of loving", it said something SOOOO interesting.... that we think of self love as selfishness.... however selfishness is the incapacity to allow ourselves the gift of contributing to others.. its NOT self love... and selflessness is also NOT self love... selflessness teaches our children that they should not care for themselves....

If there was a spectrum, selfishness is at one end, selflessness is at the opposite and self love is right in the middle..... as soon as you love yourself you finally are no longer looking outside for things to fill the void... you have filled the void and all of a sudden it makes you available to the people around you.... you give... and you take care of yourself... its a beautiful thing... i have only recently experienced that feeling briefly.... I assure you this advice only comes from another human being.. I struggle with self love too.... but it takes practice.. and it starts with accepting compliments.

The scariest thing I have had to start accepting is that the majority of people do not think like me.. the majority of people are so caught up in their own heads that they can't even begin to see what I know... because they think the voice in their heads is them... they think they are a certain way and have no bearing on who they are... but we do.... we are the only ones that can control ourselves.... and it starts with the way we think.... changing the way we think is the only way to change our lives.

HOW DO YOU FIND YOUR HEART? the best way to find your heart is through suffering... OSHO says that suffering is there as a bullseye to your heart.... an arrow directly into who you are.. because when you feel hurt... you see where you are.. you feel where you are... and if you can remember that feeling, remember where that feeling emanated from in your body... then when smaller, less significant things happen.. you know what part of your body to listen to.

TRUST - How can you possibly trust other people, when you don't trust yourself? when THEY don't trust THEMSELVES? we are all like the blind leading the fucking blind! HERE'S THE TRUTH - when you learn to love yourself.. you honour that voice inside you that knows what it needs... knows what it wants.. you realize that the voice is connected to something far greater than yourself.. you do things... that you may think are stupid.... or irrational... or irresponsible.... but for some reason they excite you, they ignite something in you and you know that not doing them will result in an internal question of "what if I had done that....?" so you muster your courage and go for it... and when you do them, the world opens up because you honour yourself.. you honour the life inside you... you honour the UNIVERSE - the universe created you and it wants you to THRIVE.. serendipitous things happen to you when you honour the voice that is your true self. IT JUST IS....

I'll give you 2 examples.

1. After I was finished my contract in Korea i debated to go home or travel... i decided to travel I had planned a trip to south east asia since i was a kid.. and it was my dream trip.... when i was packing up I got a thought that I should have health insurance.... I talked to a bunch of people who told me that health care was so cheap that I shouldn't bother.. but still that inner voice told me I needed to get it.... I had travelled to 5 countries that year and not once did I think about health insurance.. it was just never a thought.... i had remembered that when I had visited Thailand at the start of the year that I had decided to buy health insurance for the entire year instead of the weekend I was in thailand because it had only been 100$ more... so i went and checked to see if I still had it.... I wrote down the policy number and the phone number to call in an emergency and put it in a little book i had in my pack that I took with me everywhere.... the night before I left I got a pain in my back..... it was like an aching.... but I left as planned and the whole flight over I didn't feel any pain... I even got bumped to first class and given champagne on the take off...  Upon my arrival I started feeling pain again.... when I got to the hostel my friend went and got me pain killers and I took them.... they didn't help much and the pain got worse.... we had lunch... and then went for a walk... all of a sudden I was in so much pain I couldn't see straight.... I had to go to the walk in clinic... miraculously the walk in clinic was in front of our hostel... when we got there they did a quick check on me and thought that it wasn't muscular... so suggested I go to the hospital just to get it checked out..... I HATE HOSPITALS... and I HATE GETTING HELP... BUT we had a train booked for the next morning for LAOS and so my friend suggested that I just go and get it checked because the health care system in LAOS was non existent essentially and BANGKOK apparently had a really good medical system.... so i reluctantly went...I thought it was a kidney infection and i would get antibiotics...  within 6 hours of getting there I was rushed into emergency surgery.. they had found a cyst on my ovary that had contorted and was on the verge of rupturing.... they removed the cyst.... and 80% of the ovary (of which I found out 2 days later).... so let me put this into perspective...

1. Had I come home I would NOT have gone to the hospital because I wouldn't have thought it was an emergency.. I only went because we were going to LAOS the next day

2. Had I come home I wouldn't have had medical insurance because I was out of the country for over a year

3. I had miraculously written down the insurance information and had it on me.. and that is the only way I was even able to go into surgery because I had no idea what hostel we were in... I had no idea what room we were in.. I had no way of contacting my friend... and so I couldn't have gotten the information any other way

4. If it had happened 1 day later I would have been on a train or in LAOS - the cyst would have ruptured and I would have bled out.

5. If everything hadn't happened in exactly the way it did.. I WOULD BE DEAD. so.... you tell me?

2. Letting J. go. letting him drive away because he didn't respect me and I refused to hold on to someone who didn't respect me.. i told the universe that I believed.. and that it better show up.. it had to show up... i had 10$ in my bank account, no car, no way to pay rent, i was in nursing school and just got a job.... within 3 days I had a car... I mentioned that I needed a car to my uncle... he went out and found one... he called my aunt to ask if she would lend me the money and she agreed.... i picked the car up by the friday..... I gave my 2 months notice and then just kept telling myself that it would work out.... I wanted desperately to stay here... to stay in the country...with three weeks left to the summer, not knowing how i was going to pay to move, where I was going to go.... or how I was going to stay, my landlords offered to drop the rent by 200$/month and the son of a friend of my mother's who also died offered to lend me 300$/month for the duration of my schooling in order to help me out.... so I had to come up with 500$/month which is completely reasonable. The universe made sure i would be ok... because I BElievEd.

I honoured myself in letting J. go... now don't get me wrong.. it was EXCRUCIATING... watching him drive away and not begging him to stay.. having him come back a couple of times to get things and not asking him to stay.. it killed me... i was desperately in love with him.. I wanted him to love me back... but I couldn't subject myself to any more of the self torture I was putting myself through in order to prove my love. .. i honoured myself... and therefore I honoured the life I was given... and the universe took care of me.

Be GRATEFUL for the lessons in your life.. for your own unique experience.. and stop judging yourself.... oh well you made a mistake... oh well you like things everyone else thinks is crazy.... ah well....

bE HoNEsT with yourself.... BE TRUE to your TRUTH

MY TRUTH
I talk a lot... I mean A LOT - I always have something to say - I want to teach people as much as I can and I try and use every single moment I have with people... whether for my own benefit, or theirs.. hopefully both.
I am highly educated - i have a B.A. in international development and am currently at university getting a BScN in nursing with an 85% average
                 I have taken courses in philosophy, biology, organic chemistry, microeconomics, macroeconomics, environmental economics, feminism, anthropology, sociology, psychology, anatomy, physiology, nursing, physics, environmental sustainability, history, geography, chemistry, statistics, research methods, medical ethics, human rights,  political theory, development,
My mother was Buddhist so I learned about Christianity and Buddhism from a very young age.. she was a registered massage therapist, colonic therapist and aromatherapist before i was born... so she knew alot about things most people knew nothing about in the late 1970s.... she was an artist and taught me the importance of movement .. she was an artist, an art therapist...
My step father was a geography teacher, an artist, a farmer, a geologist, a historian - I learned about geography, about trees, about mt Everest, about the clouds and the weather about alluvial fans and the Canadian shield, I learned about crystals and the mathmatics behind nature

I know about astronomy, astrology, alternative medicine, traditional medicine,
My parents first date was to a pow wow on Manitoulin island - I went with them.. it was the first time I was ever in a tent - i learned about granola and Colman lamps
I have experienced so many life lessons
I have been cheated on by 3 different men who i loved
I have had sex with over 80 men
I have smoked pot and hashish, eaten mushrooms, snorted cocaine
I sometimes throw temper tantrums when my frustration gets too much for me to handle
I can judge people... and notice that when I judge people its because I forget their humanity, that they have insecurities too
I can get angry
I am LOUD
I talk a lot
I can be selfish
I can be selfless
I have been incredibly overweight - my highest was 237 lbs - this has taught me how easy it is to be in denial about something so blatantly obvious - it has offered me a deep sense of compassion
I have a cat
I smoke
I drink alcohol
I see the humanity in every person... i get we all have shit
I've played the flute, the clarinet and the ukelele i want to learn how to play the guitar, the piano and the fiddle
i sleep a lot
I am late A LOT
i procrastinate
I think A lot
I believe in reincarnation - i don't think i could know as much as I do with only one life... I think you can't learn everything in one life and life is there to teach us lessons... you have to keep coming back til you learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF
I love architecture
I love art
I love dance - I am a dancer in my heart
I love photography
I love bubbles, fireworks, fireflies, scavenger hunts, and anything that glows in the dark, I love butterflies and watching barn swallows catch mosquitos
I love talking
I love listening
I love helping people
I love swimming, cycling
I have climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji in Japan
I have gone scuba diving and swam with sharks
I have lived in Toronto and gone to school just south of Jane and Finch
i have lived on a 100 acre farm
I have milked cows and goats and put pigs on a truck for the butcher
i have seen a calf being born
I have visited the cemetery that is at the start of saving private ryan - its devastating
I have signed the book at the Canadian cemetery in Normandy
I have walked across the quick sand next to Mont St. Michel in France
I have been up in the towers in Notre Dame cathedral
I have climbed the Eiffel tower
I have ridden on the top of an elephant
I have had sex in the ocean
I have had sex on the hood of my car under the stars - AMAZiNG.
i have played duck duck goose with 200 rural Zimbabwean children
I have seen giraffe, crocodiles, zebras, elephants, impala, dung beetle, monkeys, ostrich in their natural habitat
I have sailed down the coast of Thailand
I have learned Reiki
I have gone to the mud fest in Korea
I have lived in Banff
I speak French and Japanese
I know how to ride horses
I have been to the top of the CN tower
I have gone to the washroom in a bathroom in zimbabwe with huge spiders all over the walls
I have walked on the Athabasca glacier
I have watched the sunset on December 1999 over the ocean next to the aquarium in Osaka
I have watched the sunrise on january 1st 2000 at Osaka-Jo castle in Osaka Japan
I have been to the museum in Nanjing china that documents the rape of Nanjing(Nanking)
I have walked the crazy intersection in Tokyo Japan
I have seen the only building still standing from the bomb in hiroshima - I have also seen the museum in Hiroshima
I have been to an electronic music festival in Seoul
I have been on a 4 day camping trip through algonquin park
I have stepped foot in Lake superior, Erie and Ontario
I have gone under Niagara Falls on the maid of the mist
I have gone up the trolly in Pittsburgh
i have seen a steelers game in pittsburgh
I have walked up a mountain in Georgia
I have stepped foot on red soil in PEI
I swam with a sea turtle - the most amazing experience in the world
I have 6 tattoos
I have been head butted by a boyfriend
My mother died when I was 20
My step father didnt support me properly
My mother only left me records in her will
I have jumped off the gorge at Victoria falls on the Gorge swing
I have felt the mist off victoria falls
I have had a thai massage in thailand
I have experienced the most intense thunderstorm on an island in thailand
I have been up the gondola on Langkawi island in Malaysia
I have taken the train from the north of Malaysia to Kuala Lumpur
I have watched the fireworks at the towers in Kuala Lumpur on New Years eve
I have watched chuck wagon races at the Calgary Stampede while drinking a Caesar - proper Canadian style
I have Tye dyed
I have gone skinny dipping
I have collected chicken eggs
I have picked potato beetles off potato plants
I have been down hill skiing
I have not gotten off the chair lift and taken the chair all the way back to the bottom
I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing
I have swam in the Atlantic Ocean on both sides, the Indian Ocean,  and the Pacific ocean
I have been to Tokyo Disney land
I have gone fishing
i have drank a Singapore sling in Singapore, a Mai Thai in Thailand
I have walked in the gay pride parade in Toronto
I have taken boxing, karate and kung fu lessons
I have been on a scooter in phuket Thailand and gone to the buddha on the hill there
I have been to castles in korea, Japan, France
I have taken mushrooms and sat in a field in Japan with a temple on the hill in front of me and tame wild deer roaming the city
I have been to versailles
I have celebrated the winter solstice with a bon fire
I have lay under the stars and watched Haley's comet with my friends
I have been to Motopos, Zimbabwe - full circle from the power of one
I have learned how to silk screen
I have built a table and have used a planer, a jig saw, a lathe, a router, a band saw, a scroll saw, a screw driver, a hammer
I'm really good at math
i do yoga
I do tarot card readings for my friends
I have made eye contact and given thanks to the Dalai Lama
I have learned to make thai curry in Thailand
I have been to a night market in taiwan and thailand
i have been on a scooter up the TOROKO gorge in Taiwan
I have lived in the beaches, in downtown Toronto and in north york of Toronto
I have moved over 30 times
I have owned/ slept in 30 beds not including hotels or friend's
I have learned tea ceremony in japan
I learned kendo in japan and own a Kendo sword
I have been to the mask festival in korea
i love things that sparkle
i can discern at least 10 constellations in the sky and can easily find the north star
I know the names of trees by their appearance and their leaves
i know countless species of birds
I know how to make clay pottery
I know how to sew
I know how to knit
I know how to make things out of wood
I Danced for 12 years and have performed at the Royal Ontario museum an an orff conference in Toronto
I tried out for the national ballet of canada when I was 8
I have lived in an apartment building, in a basement apartment under a rub and tug and in a farm house
my first car had a hole in the gas tank and the gas guage was broken - try that one on.. and the exhaust pipe had fallen off the car - my mother told me to tell the police that it had just fallen off despite the fact that it was under clothes and a plastic bag and was cold.
I have had 32 paying jobs (babysitting counts as 1)
    1. i worked at a petting zoo scooping poo
    2. I babysat
    3. on a goat farm, milking goats
    4. as one of the people who scares people in a haunted house
    5. a camp counselor
    6. wendy's making sandwiches/wendy's front of house
    7. grocery store cashier
    8. selling clocks that I made when I was 13 at the farmer's market
    9. selling popsicles for dickie dee
    10. teaching English in Korea
    11. front desk clerk at a hotel
    12. foodprep at a cafe
    13. 14. 15. serving at East Side Marios in three differing location
    16. serving at the Baton Rouge
    17. selling unique lawn chairs at a music festival
    18. helping out a woman with gardening, painitng, cleaning, taking care of the dog
    19.20. bartender at 2 different pubs
    21. 22. 23. 24. server at 4 other smallrestaurants
   25. 26. salesperson/cashier at a store in Banff and bow Lake lodge
    27. making french fries at a french fry kiosk at a fair
    28. cutting red peppers for my friend's mom's business
    29. knocking on doors for world vision
    30. serving at the rainforest cafe
    31. serving at kelsey's - worst boss of my life
   
what I have learned is there is something to learn in every job.. in every opportunity to do and learn something new
   

I have lived in 5 different countries and travelled to 11 - this has taught me we are all the same.. I have physically lived and participated in the lives of 10 different familes this includes living with only my mother for 12 years, living with my mother and step father for 6 years, living with host familes in france (1), Japan (4) and Zimbabwe(1), on my friend's couch for 6 months and by myself
i have had 20 different room mates (including 2 boyfriends)

I love painting my face

i have spent the vast majority of my life obsessed over the opposite sex
i have been selfish
i have been overweight
i have told myself that i am stupid
i have told myself that there is something wrong with me
I have told myself that I am crazy
I have told people to go fuck themselves
I have lied
I have thought that I am not good enough to love
I have told myself that no man would ever love me
I have blamed men, my mother's death, being cheated on, having no money given to me from my mother's insurance policy, my sister and her husband, my step father, fucked up situations, my weight, money, and lack of support ... for not being happy....... funny thing... none of that has changed.... but I am happy.

I have realized that men just are the way they are... that i cannot control them.. they have their shit.... I attract men based on how I am feeling about myself - they treat me exactly the same way I treat myself

I have realized that my mother's death has played an integral role in my ability to see the world for what it really is... not having gone through that experience completely on my own... at 20 would mean that i wouldn't know what i know now... and i would never want to be older to have to figure this out...that her death has taught me more than anything else in my life

1. That when you lose sight of your dreams you get sick
2. If your only dream is to get married and have a kid... when you get both there really isn't any point in living is there?
3. What it is like to be as depressed as I think a human being can get before committing suicide
4. That I am stronger than I ever thought
5. That she loved me but wanted a man to take care of her and that lead her to lose sight of her dreams... ultimately I CAN NOT make the same mistake
6. Her insecurities, her desire to be liked outweighed her love for herself... so she put up with shit she shouldn't have EVER - also a lesson I am trying to teach myself
7. That death is dramatic
8. That someone can die in peace with no morphine, from cancer
9. That the most painful things in life are the things that make us be able to handle the rest of our life with grace.
10. That not getting over issues in your life will manifest as illness and eventually kill you
11.  That people do not know how to handle death
12. That you have to feel all the feelings in order to let something painful go... you have to accept it as part of you in order to come to peace with it
13. That I am never going to give up on my goals
14. That the most important thing in life is to figure yourself out... and make sure you figure out how not to sell out on yourself
15. That you can still feel someone if you remember the exact experience - you can only do this when it no longer makes you sad to think of them... so you have to come to terms with the positives in their dying.... so you have to see the positives... so you have to deal with your shit.
16. that most people are totally screwed up in the head.
17. That life is a piece of art.... and that your life is part of the tapestry.... there is a reason for everything... its all beautiful... even the dark patches
18. That love is full acceptance - my mother loved me and accepted me just as I am... and not having her has been so painful because i felt different than everyone else... except my mother.... so I had to learn to be ok as a complete individual while honouring the amount of love and support she had for me and my dreams... ultimately I always asked myself whether my mother would support my decision - she loved me properly. and so I can see what happens when you are loved properly as opposed to everyone who wasn't.. and how they don't get half the shit i get.
19. That everything happens just as it should
20. That you have to get through the pain of losing them to be able to honour and remember who they were.

what I learned from my mother
1. That sexuality is natural
2. That music, art, dance are essential for the soul
3. that your feelings must be let go.. she taught me how to look at how I am feeling in the moment... figure it out and know how I am feeling and to always express my feelings
4. she taught me about birds
5. that its ok to be myself - even though I lost that for a while
6. that its imperative that you listen to your heart and go with whatever your heart really wants - she let me cut my hair all off at 6 because I wanted to... she let me change my name in grade 1 because I wanted to... she let me go to France at 14 and japan at 16 because i wanted to...
7. That you have to give advice freely and not be attached to whether someone takes it or not - she was really bad at this
8. That other people's decisions in life are none of your business and judging them only makes matters worse - she was bad at this
9. That there's nothing wrong with being naked


those are the things i can think of right now....

Ok.... so where I am at at this point in my life... right now.

something shifted in me around T. this week - basically I couldn't let go... I felt somehow like i was giving up on him.... I had fallen so hard for him and totally saw my life headed in a direction with him that I couldn't stop wanting to be his friend... wanting to show him how great he is... I had been saying the same thing over and over that I needed to let him go... but still my heart pulled me back... i texted and we ended up hanging out 2 more times... one time was a drunken.. hottest make out of my life.... to waking up in the morning to him telling me it was a mistake.... and then 3 days later me telling him that he was ridiculous and that we shouldn't be friends.... to me texting him when I needed him the most and him not responding.... my friends were telling me I deserve better and couldn't understand what was wrong with me... why I was so obsessed over this guy.... but still my heart pulled me towards him.... and then this weekend I randomly came across a conversation I had had with this random guy in 2006. We met on myspace and talked for a couple months... re reading our messages to each other I realized (and simultaneously remembered) how cool I thought this guy was and how much random shit we had in common.... and it made me realize there are so many men out there..... and I get obsessed over the guy in front of me.... thinking I am never met a guy like him before... and yet... I have...... 6 years ago..... no we never met, and I never experienced what I did with T.... but who is to say I wouldn't.... I have no idea.

Two weeks ago I ended up taking care of a woman who I had met once and had talked to for 5 hours about life and love while she did my hair (she is a hairdresser out of her house) and her family after randomly calling her up on an unsuspecting thursday afternoon to find out that her 20 year old daughter had been killed in a car accident the night before.... I became someone I had never been and the weekend taught me how to silence the voice in my head completely and just be present, follow my heart and be calm... I have never been calmer in my life...

So.... I realized that its all a big joke... first off... the biggest thing that bothered T. about me was that I was too eager... I was impatient... I was not calm... and yet I couldn't be as calm as I am right now.... UNLESS I had gone through what I did 2 weeks ago..... SO.... there is NO WAY I could have been what T. wanted me to be... because this drastic, life altering event had to happen, in order for the calmness to happen....

So calmness coupled with letting go of my desire to be with him allowed me to let in all life's possibilities again.... and within 24 hours a guy I had met a week before I had met T. ended up coming over.. I knew he was cool shit... but we had only hung out once.... he came over and we had a great time...I felt I could be myself completely.. that both of us could be ourselves completely and in the end we ended up having sex.... and it was awesome... and he slept over.... we cuddled all night... and then had sex again in the morning.... i drove him to work... and all i have heard from him since is when I asked how he was feeling last night he wrote back "ugh".... i haven't texted him since then and I feel great! I feel like it would be nice to have someone in my life that when they are there they are there.. and when they are not.... oh well...

I have no idea what will happen.. and I don't care...

all i can hear in myself these days is be receptive.... stop trying to control.. just flow with whatever life brings you.. and accept it as it comes.... stop resisting... so i am the painter.... but only in that I have to listen to my heart.. and create the life I am born to create....

Soooo... that's where I am at.

In terms of schooling I have found over the past 2 months I have been really diligent at times and then fallen off the wagon.. I realize that I have all these huge ideas, but I don't know how to focus them .. so i get anxiety feeling like it is too big.. and then i do a half ass job at it when it HAS to get done... so I am trying to change that... speaking of which I have a quiz I have to take tonight because I start my new job tomorrow and its due on Friday so I have to go and do that.....

its feeling good to come back to writing.. giving myself 5 hours just to write in here instead of rushing it at the end of the day... maybe that's something else I need to start doing... setting aside an hour a day to just writing on here.

namaste
A.