i read once that when you are close to enlightenment... serendipity becomes a common experience.. that as you become more and more present you notice that every little thing happens at precisely the perfect moment that leads to something else perfect... its weird.... because its happening to me.
i am pretty much writing in a state of anxiety. when I made my last post.... I had this feeling that someone would find it... that i offered something unique.. and that the difference that I want to make in the world is just blossoming.... but really how the fuck do yo utell yourself that you may be the kind of person that makes a profound contribution to humanity?
its way too big... its way too scary... so I just go moment by moment.... responding however i am supposed to....
it was just a feeling.... and i just came on to find that the post has been seen more in the past day than anything i have every written has ever been seen. in 5 days. its really intimidating... i am terrified. TERRIFIED.... terrified that people will actually start reading this... and want to know who i really am... to put a face to a name is the most terrifying feeling in the world.... to have everyone know my secrets... my life.... its weird though.. because my friends know this side of me.... i'm authentic with the people i meet.. i'm just scared of everyone else.... i'm so scared to be judged... and to be misunderstood.
Ah well, i guess it will happen exactly as it needs to.
My dad had a heart attack this weekend.... the weekend had a profound impact on me and again i felt like everything that has been happening lately set me up perfectly for the weekend to go better than i could ever had dreamed of.....
I figured my family out :) they all have huge hearts but are sooooooo hard on themselves they are hard on everyone else... that's why i always second guessed myself....
it was so nice to just not need them to be perfect anymore and just love them.... and try to understand them... and talk.... in pure calmness. even my neice commented that everytime i come home i appear calmer. :)
I ended up having the most amazing conversation with J. The first person I wanted to call when I found out about my dad ... oh ya, I decided fuck it... he's my dad even though he'sbeen a jerk at times.. everyone else's dad's have problems too.... so I'm now going to refer to him as my dad..... anyways.. ya... so I wanted to talk to J... his dad had had a stroke shortly after we started dating, so i knew he knew how it felt...I had to tell myself that despite everything he loved me... and I needed to let him try again.... he ended up texting me and telling me he'd be free to talk the next day after noon.... when I finally checked my phone the next day it was about 2 and we chatted for about an hour and a half.... and it was so lovely.... I asked him how he was....where he was and then got up the courage to ask him about his relationship and his girlfriend... honestly there was a moment where my heart broke... I didn't want to let it be real... but then I just told myself that I wanted to know.. that I want him to be happy.. so if he is.. that's all that mattered.
I asked.. at first he was hesitant.... but then he started opening up... he told me that her daughter is just madly in love with him... and has been trying to call him dad... that they have decided where they are going to get married.. and are thinking about opening an outdoor equipment store... he sounded so happy... :) when I asked him if they were going to have a baby he said that they are.... i told him he's going to make a great dad... he said that he was scared.... i told him.. just figure out where his dad messed up and don't do the same thing... :)
I told him that he's going to make a great husband and that I was sooo happy for him... that its weird how life works out.. that we didn't want to leave eachother... we fought against it... we fought eachother..... but in the end it had to happen like that so we both learned what we needed to learn in order for him to find his soul mate and for me to find myself :)
I told him i love you at the end.. and he said I love you too.
it was so beautiful for me to be able to get out of my being hurt so I could actually get to listen to how happy he was... I love that man so much I'm just thrilled that some how he's letting love in!
I've been up all night finishing things in my house that I haven't finished.... telling myself to just do whatever feels good.... in so doing I ended up coming across pictures of me and my friends on my 17th, 18th, 19th and 21st birthdays.... it was sooo fucking weird.... i was putting pictures up on the wall... and then I'd have a thought and go do some dishes.. then I would have a thought about some random thing that would lead me to think of something that would lead me to think of a person whose picture I wanted on my wall.. so I would go and look for it through the boxes of pictures I have... and this happened 3 times where I found the pictures in different boxes.. I also came across pictures i had never seen of my mom the day i was born and then breastfeeding me for the first time.. they were so beautiful... there was a picture of me on my 1st birthday and then on my 5th birthday I think? it was really weird to just happen to stumble across them.... the coolest thing was because I had waited til tonight... had procrastinated every single minute for the past year and a half and havent finisehed my wall of photos... tonight, on the birth of my 3rd decade I got to scan pictures from every part of my life and remember all the beautiful people that have contributed so graciously to my life....
Smoking weed, putting pictures up, cleaning the dishes with my favorite music playing and candles every where......a cup of tea.. a few smokes... incense and an oil lamp... christmas lights... all the things that I have collected throughout my life scattered throughout my house.... my house finally feels like me... i finally feel my mother. I finally feel. love. just love.
and I am sitting here as countless messages keep streaming in from all these beautiful people telling me how wonderful and nice and kind and thoughtful and special, beautiful.... i'm overwhelmed from the love. OVERWHELMED at who I have become.... a zorba buddha.... party with the best of them.. and have compassion as deep as the cosmos.
well today is going to prove very interesting I feel in my bones.
I've been up all night... I need to sleep.
A
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