Why I have low self esteem

There is so much that has happened.. like always when I go into hiding. I realize I go into hiding when I am worried that what I share may come back and hurt someone I love.. the truth of what I feel and what I think.. well I never want to hurt people... so the fact that honesty hurts... and that I am honest to a fault... can sincerely hurt.. and so I try to keep things just to me... just in case, one day one of my friends sees this.. I never want them to feel betrayed...

Over the past 4 months, why I haven't been sharing.. and been honest is because I have been working through a lot of things with my boyfriend.. and I never want to make him feel embarrassed... so its difficult for me to actually share what's going on and what I am learning.. and how I am learning it.. because its so intertwined with his life that I don't want it to hurt him....

So here I am.... so much has happened.. and I am learning sooooo much about myself and my life.. and I can't explain everything.. obviously cause there is too much.. but I am going to try...

I have low self esteem because I see the TRUTH.... and I SEE why people are the way they are... I see it.. and I'm now realizing they don't... not only do they not see they're own behaviour.. but they don't even look at themselves.. they go through life thinking its other people.... and have a difficult time looking inwards and seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of themselves...

so here I am... here I come with the TRUTH... and when I share it... when I tell... I'm wrong... I'm hurtful... I'm mean... I'm selfish.. I'm too sensitive.. I'm uncaring... I don't know what I am talking about...

The TRUTH is so difficult... not because it is.. but because as soon as we know... we can change.. and change is scary so we try to pretend that everyone else is wrong so that WE don't HAVE TO CHANGE.

I try to be a better person everyday.. I try to look at myself and be responsible for myself.... and find who I am in the chaos of everything else in my life.. inside of my story and all the stories I have told myself I am trying to find myself.. and what I am realizing is WHO I AM... WHO I REALLY AM.. is someone who SEES the TRUTH.. but I don't like to fight.... IRONIC!


Who I am is someone who can see your HUMANITY.. and forgive all our faults.. that's just who I AM... I understand completely...

SO.. when people get mad at me.. and feel hurt by me I feel like I am bad and wrong and that what I am doing is wrong.. but the problem I have never seen before is that is not what I DO.. it's truly WHO I AM.

So... that leaves me always scared.. and so I don't feel fully self expressed... because obviously if I was.. I'd tell you when you were hurting me... but the thing that makes me different is that if I had the courage I would tell you you are hurting me.. and tell you why I think you are hurting me.. so you can move gradually... so you can see the truth... and realize that I love you EVEN though you can hurt me...


we are all testing each other.. we are all trying to see if when you say you will be there forever... if you TRULY will.... but how do you know if I'm going to be there for you??? ONLY if you behave exactly who you are.. and I'm still there.. and that means sometimes not being able to see the smoke for the trees.... most people can't see the truth.. they don't know WHY they are the way they are.. and so if I tell them... I must be wrong... I must be crazy...

Who wants to admit that they are mean?
Who wants to admit that they are addicted to men?
Who wants to admit they don't trust people?
Who wants to admit they are fat?
Who wants to admit that they are not who they want to be?

We all want to be happy... we all want to be satisfied with the life we have chosen for ourselves.. and because of that.. we SELL out... but the reason we sell out is because we have NO CLUE what's in our way... what's in our way is WHO WE ARE.. FULLY SELF EXPRESSED...

NOW... fully self expressed does not mean you go around and tell people they are dicks... its understanding that people are hurting.. that people only do as much as they know.... and that even though they don't want to hurt you... even though they don't think they are someone who hurts other people.... I love you.. and you are....

The problem with me... is that I take things personally.. so when someone hurts me.. I forget all I know.. I forget they are hurting and they are only behaving the only way they know how to... and it has NOTHING to do with me... because clearly they misunderstand... its so hard for me to know what I know and still... tell myself that the other is hurting me and they can't see it.... because I'm hurt and I want them to care enough to know I'm hurt.

Even though I know all this... this is what typically happens when I'm hurt.. both in my head and in practicum..

I get hurt...

HOW I GET HURT -
I get hurt when I'm excluded,
I feel hurt when I'm excited and someone is too busy with themselves to care about what I'm excited about
I feel hurt when I feel like the other person isn't being generous

I feel hurt when I'm judged.... BEING JUDGED is probably the thing that hurts me the most...

I get hurt when people are behaving poorly... and in my head I figure.. they must know they are hurting me... they must know they are behaving BADLY... I mean how hard is it??

well I'll tell you how hard it is.. we all can't see ourselves.. so why the hell do we expect others to see themselves??

we are scared.... so is EVERYONE ELSE... we have no clue.. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.

So I get hurt.. and then I hide... placate.. pretend that I am not hurt.. WHY? because I know that they wouldn't have done what they did.. had they KNOWN...

BUT... I also don't want to get hurt again... So.. I know they probably don't see what I see.. but then I'm too scared to tell them... cause well can you really listen to someone tell you about WHY you are doing something when you are mad at them... or they are accusing you of hurting them? when you didn't even know?

The most uncomfortable feeling in the whole world is when someone tells you you hurt them and you had NO IDEA.... to know you are THAT blind.. that you could hurt someone....well for most people its way too hard to admit they don't know themselves... because they think they do... BUT how many people do you know who are honest with themselves?? so.. its REALLY hard to listen to someone else telling you the truth.. when you can't even tell yourself...

I think that's why this blog has helped me... because I tell my deepest fears of people knowing... and because of that I have to look at myself... I think this blog is what shifted me... my ability to look back and see what I was really doing to myself... and more than that... TO REALLY SEE THAT I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.. and get REALLY straight with myself..

I'll be honest there are still so many things that I'm struggling with being honest about to myself... It's so hard.. because then you have to take responsibility... make the change.. and become the person I know I can be....

WHAT'S MY FEAR.. that who I am, that person that I want to be will challenge people so much I will be very unliked.... and I hate not being liked...

So how I'm trying to handle being hurt... its in progress... and learning how to be confident is helping.. but because I am yet at that point of confidence.. I still get scared.. still feel threatened.. and am still scared that I am going to lose the person if I'm honest.

Cause let's be honest... people cut and run when they are hurt.. and well... HONESTY hurts sometimes...

I think the trick is making sure that when you are hurt you come to the other person FROM LOVE.. pure love and understanding.. and just let them know that you are hurt.... instead of accusing them of being mean... come to them and say.. hey... I don't know why but you really hurt me...

my problem is I get defensive.. and terrified, so I come at it like a bull... I raise my voice... I am we could say as far from graceful as possible lol...

I am, however becoming more aware of myself when I am upset.. and this week I had a moment where I caught myself yelling at a friend... when I felt attacked.. as I was yelling I could see I was over reacting and so I calmed... I brought myself back down and as I was doing it I was telling her that I'm sorry that I was yelling.. I was scared and felt trapped...

I was so unimpressed with myself.. but at the same time I was proud to have seen what I was doing.

Anger

The moments in my life that I observe anger... It makes me angry.... I've been asking myself why anger makes me soooo angry and upset... and the only thing that I can think is that I have anger deep in my soul... anger so deep that I don't want to let it out... for fear of destruction....

there are moments in my life that anger starts bubbling to the surface.. and I smoke. I smoke anytime that any negative emotion comes up inside me.. like the smoke will kill it....

I hate smoking... this is one of those moments.

Chest constricts,
lungs hurt.. I want another cigarette..
atleast then I can pretend the pain is self inflicted...

How can you be mad at the world?
how can you express that anger... for the selfishness, the naitivity, the pain and suffering we inflict on eachother...

I see the TRUTH. I see the truth... and I am told NO... you are crazy...
HOW DARE YOU... you don't know..
Maybe I don't know either.. but I know more than most... I see more than most...
I love and understand more than most... and I always see the WHY.

I have to believe that we aren't a mistake.. that our lives aren't a mistake...
We are built to ask why.. we are built for meaning... so then how could that be a mistake?

I'm angry at all the mother's who dismiss their children
I'm angry at all the father's who don't see their children hurting..
I'm angry at all the teacher's who tell those unloved children they won't amount to anything..

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???
Squashing dreams the way your parents squashed yours... do you not remember the pain?
Do you not see your life, the life that you have lead... BECAUSE of the lack of understanding.. the lack of love.

We are all trying so desperately to live a PERFECT life.. and we are so fucking scared of getting found out.. of losing those we love... 

WE HIDE... we can't be ourselves.. FOR FEAR OF LONLINESS...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll smarten up and think something different...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll stop being so naive?

WHO ARE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE???
I hate that you have that power over me.

I hate that your childhood didn't teach you how to be an open and loving person
I hate that your parents and teachers and doctors didn't know any better.. I"M ANGRY BECAUSE WE ONLY KNOW AS MUCH AS WE KNOW.. and how the hell are we supposed to love each other.. when we are all so scared?

I'm SO ANGRY...

I'm angry that with all our knowledge... they are building a damn and dismissing the lives, the history, the ecosystem of 400,000 indigenous Brazillians.. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????
If we embraced the technology we have you would see that damn only bottles up progress... and puts us a little closer to death.

The flower and plants and knowledge those people have.. their inate value as a human being...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? We should share knowledge not supress knowledge... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR HOME.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'm ashamed.

I hate this world... I HATE the selfishness... I hate that people believe in a God and don't recognize that they are GOD... that they effect those around them.. they effect the earth and they effect the cells inside them... If ONLY YOU WOULD SEE.. YOU ARE GOD.... YOU DECIDE..

Do you love? or do you hate?
Do you judge? Or do you accept?
Do you celebrate excitement? or do you squash it?
Do you appologize? or do you blame?
Do you understand? Or do you dismiss?
Do you hug? or do you isolate?
Do you express your inner love? or do you hide?
Do you open your eyes and see the world around you for what it really is?
Or do you hide and pretend that there is nothing you can do?
Do you teach your children they are special? Or do you dismiss them?
Do you celebrate others success? Or celebrate others failure?
Do you forgive? or do you begrudge?
Do you let the child in you come out and play? or do you tell yourself to go away?

YOU ARE GOD. you are GOD to yourself and the world and what you say goes...

I am angry because you have infiltrated me.. you got to me.. you told me that I was different and in this world you can't survive if you are different...
You got to me and pushed me away.. and I felt like I was a bad child, I was a bad girl and I was a bad woman...
REJECTION.
All I wanted was love... AND YOU REJECTED ME.

Do you understand what it is like to just love.. love.. love... and be told.. no thank you.. I don't want your love? Your love is strange... your love is wrong.. your love is bad...

YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. YOU HURT ME PROFOUNDLY
I love you.....

I HATE MEN. You covot the earth, you hurt eachother... you don't look inside, you don't see your destruction.. you think you are always right and you tell us that we are too emotional, too sensitive... you dismiss us.. you hurt us... you complain about us... you lie to us and cheat on us.... you devalue us.. and treat us like we were created for your enjoyment...

I DON'T BLAME YOU... you were taught to be unkind... but do you not see how YOUR HATRED FOR WOMEN keeps you small, keeps you isolated... keeps you alone and unloved...

The Earth is your mother.. and you HATE your mother... thus you hate me.

SO that's what it is eh? My hatred for men... who knew it was so deep.
How hard it is to reconcile... the LOVE for men that I inately have and the HATE I have for the cruelty I have experienced at their hand?

How do I love you when you abandon me? Cheat on me? use me? destroy me? push me away? Hit me? call me a cunt? a bitch? too sensitive, too emotional?

HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE stripped me from all that makes me beautiful... from all that makes me a woman?

I am patient and kind.. and always hope that one day you will see... see the pain you have inflicted on me.. and the pain you have inflicted on yourself...

I have hope that one day you will embrace your femininity.... as I embrace my masculinity and we will become whole again....

Please apologize.
I know you didn't know any better.... but now that you do.. PLEASE PLEASE accept responsibility so we can start healing... so we can tach our children to love. that they are love.

I do not hate men.. I HATE FEAR.... I HATE HISTORY... I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION... I hate that you didn't know any better... and that I didn't see... and let you get to me.

nursing 101

what can I say.. I have a tendency to almost not write when I can't handle what life throws at me.. over the past 5 months I have thought time and time again that I need to write I need to document this new journey in my life.. embrace it, own it... and yet I keep bypassing it.. avoiding it.. tting en to paper about things.. well I have found diifficult over the past 5 months... it has been a roller coaster ride and everything is finally come to head... and here I am back.

I hope that i have the diligence to continue writing in this blog, because I find solace in looking back.. in having something tangible that documents my life...

being able to see how much one person's life can change over the course of a few short months.. and of all people, myself... is something that I know I need to do for myself.. in order to be able to adequately show myself... prove to myself that things have changed.. that things are changing.. and that life doesn't come easy... but if you fight, if you listen,, if you believe.... you can figure things out.

I have essentially been numb over the ast 5 months... J got a new job in May and left for 8 weeks. for 8 weeks I had to ut my love, my longing for him aside... and just do.

I worked at this awesome restaurant all summer where I felt wanted, and appreciated and all the people that I served were so kind and happy...

I got into nursing school... I spent the summer working, preparing myself for nursing school and trying to figure out how to be the girlfriend of a wonderful man who is off on his own adventures in life.

I was numb to how much I miss him.. and i was numb to this.

Nursing school.

What can I say.

What has brought me back to this page is simple.

I am terrified.

I have just set sail into something that totally terrifies me.

I play life small, my drama has always been about boys, money, family, about the things on the outside.. but part of the changes I decided to make this time last year have catapulted me into this new dimension where I am finally walking into something for the first time in a long time that scares the shit out of me.

I know in my heart that I can do this..but I am so conflicted.

I have never done anything that I thought I could fail at.

I have never stretched myself to the ends of myself.. to see how far I can be stretched..I have never fully taken on my life and told myself to just deal.

and here I am, about to learn how to do the job that scares me shitless.

I know I belong.

I feel it in my bones.

I feel like I am already part of something.. a sisterhood, a part of something way bigger than myself. My personal problems are nothing... school, and only school matters, and my past behaviours of drama, and partying, doing what i want... has to be put aside in order for me to get through this program.

The truth is I want this soooooooo badly, and it is sooooo scary to admit that to myself. That I want something... and the only way to get it is to give up all my bad habits and get down to business.

I miss J. I miss him being here to hold me, and yet I know that him being gone will give me the space I need to do this properly. He is my knight in shining armour because I get from him exactly what I need.. even if it isn't what I want.

The shit you have to know in order to pass your tests.. the shit you have to know in order to be an effective nurse is fucking scary and intimidating.. and I consistantly have moments where I feel inadequate..

but deep down inside me I know that because of that fear.. that deep rooted fear I will succeed... because the feaer is a longing, a longing for a life I have never had.. and I am soo scared of failing.... of not succeeding.

I hope that me writing in this blog will suffice as documentation for this adventure...the adventure of my life.

I thought of starting a new blog. Because, well, I really didn't want people to be able to find out my past... but I have decided to keep it the way it is. because the one thing that I know I have on my side is the fact that every one who meets me learns about my past.. my not so pretty past.. and that it is my past and how I have continued to deal with things that has made me who I am. I know that iit is my past that will make me a great nurse, because I get it. I get what its like to smoke and want to quit, to have a mother with cancer, to have emergency surgery with no one around. I know what its like to be asked in a doctor's office if you are sexually active and say yes.. only to be asked if you have a steady partner and answer no.

I know what its like to get the news you have an STI.

I know what its like to watch the life you thought you had dissapear.. and everything that comes from that.

I know that my life will serve me well because Ihave a vast amount of compassion.

and I feel that when people understand that you too fuck up, you too don't know what to do or where to go or how to even get out of bed in the morning....when people realize that you are ok admitting your mistakes... they feel like maybe its ok for them to be ok with their mistakes.. to share things with you that they would never otherwise share... and to believe that they too can change their life... because you did... and well, I hope that one day one person reads this blog and sees that the life they are living isn't what they want.. and they have the choice to change.

So I am keeping it.. with all the skeletons that I am terrified of sharing.. worried that one day someone I work with will read this blog and judge me... that writing this will somehow get me into trouble.... and yet I stick by my convictions. we all fuck up... but we only do the best we know how to do at the time.

I am madly in love with J. every time he comes home something shifts with us.. and now that we have moved here... we have a home together.. out in the country and I feel HOME. I finally feel home... like I have never felt before.

We have started to learn how to communicate better and how to stay on eachothers side.... although sometimes I still feel like we are separate.. we are learning... and I know that he loves me. That he appreciates who I am... and that we are both growing and learning from eachother. My only hope is that we get through this next 2 years.

I am in nursing school. It is the scariest thing I have ever done... and I am soooooooo excited to do this.. to be really proud of myself for believing in myself enough to giver 'er hell.

This is my new life. Living in the country with a dog and a cat... head over heels.... and starting nursing school.

Wish me luck.

creating the life you want.

Somehow I came across some interesting articles today that talked about finding yuor passion, haveing the life you want... going where life shall take you.. they moved me, because although much of what they were saying were things I already knew about life.. but one thing thatone of the articles stressed was to look at the things in your life that you do in your spare time.. the things that are not work.. the things that you would sacrifice for.. and that's what you shuold be doing.

The more I think of this the more I look at my ability to talk to people, to have people share their deepest secrets with me... the ability for me to help people, and make people feel at ease...

This is what I do in my spare time.. this is what I love... this is what I need to do. I've been thinking more and more about becoming a psychiatrist after I am done nursing. I think that its my calling.. a therapist.

I write this blog, in the hopes that someone one day will come across and see themselves in me.. and be able to have hope... hope for something new and different.

I just hope I can help people with my story.

Staying true.... and being happy

I have found that most of my posts... like my own diary have me writing when I am in crisis, or just after... but not when things are going well.... in fact that's when I, like many others, talk to my friends.. when things are tough...

I would like to start writing more about the daily life I have.. my success and failures.. if for no one else, to record my life.. and to be able to learn from it.
 The past month I have found myself continuously challenged in my relationship with J... I have documented much of my difficulties, but now coming out of it.. or a tleast I hope for a little while.. and looking back on the past month.. I am able to reflect on the lessons and insight I have gained.. and to be able to share what I have learned.

So yes, this is after somewhat of a crisis... but I use that word lightly.. its not a crisis when we fight.. but it has be all bunched up inside, and not knowing how to proceed... so in my little world.. yes it is a crisis.

This weekend was J's brother's wedding. J was in the wedding party so other than driving down, I spent most of the day/night on my own... it was an interesting experience, to meet J's entire family, without him being there.. and yes of course I wanted to impress them, but unlike the past I wasn't nervous, I had confidence, and I told myself just to be myself.. and see where things go. I think that's what has changed most for me in the past 8 months... being more and more comfortable in my own skin.. its a slow chipping away, becoming more and more aware of how I am with people.. with J and to tweek my response... always with respect to myself.

I have never had a hard time respecting other people's feelings.. but typically I give up my own comfort factor for other people.. meanwhile allowing things to get worse and worse.... always putting others before myself, because, let's be honest I am scared of rejection, scared of hurting someone else... so much so that I put myself on the back burner.

Over the course of the night a few things popped up for me that were interesting to observe. First, I am not a small talk kind of person.. and the constant meeting of people and having stupid little conversations that never lead anywhere was incredibly boring.. it wasn't until dinner when I had the chance to start talking to the people at my table that I started to feel at ease again, where the conversation turned from what do you do for a living to experience, lessons, loves, dreams.. its when I feel most at home.. when people are sharing themselves and I have the opportunity to share myself.

Second, At one point in the evening I went to see where J was and caught him laughing with one of the bride's maids... for the first time in 3 months I felt that unsettling feeling in my stomach of jealousy, of not feeling adequacy... I was immediately aware of the insecurity bubbling inside me... and despite my urge to run I brought awareness to it.. and then told myself to stop being insecure I reassured myself that he loved me, without having to go and ask him for his assurance. It was difficult, but I knew I could make a choice.,.worry, or not worry and I took the not worrying root.

Third, at one point I started getting agitated because it had been hours since he had come to check on me..no texting, no check ins... he just was doing his thing... and it hurt... but in the end I kept doing what I was doing and being who I am... and he showed up outside while I was having a smoke... telling me he had been looking for me for a while... and that it seemed like every time he came to look for me I was gone. Its amazing what we miss.... and what we create...

the rest of the night was good... I learned to enjoy his feeble attempts at dancing.. because in the end he was dancing for me, with me, cause he knew it would make me happy.. even though he knew that he's not the greatest. I met most of his family.. and later got feedback that they really liked me... so in the end the night went off without a hitch.

And then we got home....

I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started... but alcohol I'm sure had a role in my fears abating and just being honest with him about EVERYTHING.

I told him that I have been feeling like he can't really be bothered with me.. that when we first started dating he would look at me with this look like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.. and he doesn't do that anymore... that I feel like he treats me like a burden.. and that these arguments that we keep happening are because I feel uncared for.

It was uncomfortable... but the alcohol allowed me the opportunity to set aside my fears of being rejected.. and just telling him how I was feeling... it was hard for him to part of the conversation and keep from not being distracted or fall asleep... and I'll be honest, weighing the benefit of continuing the conversation despite the obstacles we were facing... was difficult.. but in the end.. I needed to talk, I needed to get it all out.. because there was an honest space created and its very difficult to find that completely honest safe place sometimes, where you have the other person's undivided attention.

The conversation lasted for about 2 hours... and in the end he listened... really listened... and he ended up giving me that look... that perfect you are wonderful look... and I fell asleep knowing that something had been accomplished.

That's the thing about J.. is although he has a lot of self awareness that he needs to work on... he listens.. and he is willing, although sometimes he needs a little more of a push... to accept that he may be doing something that he wasn't aware of.... to be honest, I don't know if he was talking to me about all the things I do if I would have as much grace.

But this is how I feel.... I felt before that night that we were separate... that I was scared of losing him... and that I was still trying to impress him, although doing a poor conscious job... unconsciously I was obviously doing something right... and by sticking with that voice in my head... I was able to express myself.. and we were able to grow.

When we woke up in the morning I felt like for the first time we were a team.. one unit. us against the world.

I wish I could remember all the things that were said.. but in the end, it doesn't really matter, its how I feel, its how he feels, its where we have come since that matters.

I just remembered something.. the day started off with me leaving supposedly my smokes on the table at home.. he told me he put them there for me.. but I had assumed the pack was empty.. and he hadn't told me... in my head I had made sure to pack everything he would have forgotten on his own... and he couldn't make sure I had one small thing... it felt very imbalanced, as he eventually asked for everything that I had remembered to pack... so that gives you a small perspective.. the imbalance, the distance between us.. like we were tolerating each other..

I have to be honest thoughts have spiraled through my head over the past month as to whether J really is the one for me... particularly around his reactions to me.. he always seems to be saying and doing negative things.. pushing my buttons... and I have excused much of it by giving it the excuse that it's winter.. that we are broke.. and that he has this shit job..and we are just getting to know each other...  but every time it happened. and every time I felt I had to address an issue I kept getting closer to the conclusion that this wasn't right... although I always kept looking at how I was responsible.. in the end i always.. and still conclude its in honoring yourself and your feelings.. perhaps I can be a little uptight sometimes.. and overly sensitive.. perhaps I can nitpick on the small things he says.. and I ask myself... is this the kind of person you want to be raising kids with... I know its early in the game to be considering his role as a father, but I don't take this relationship lightly.. and well I believe if you know.. then move on.

there was a time in the past week that I asked myself... if we broke up and I saw him in the street would I miss him, would I be nervous or anxious.. or sad... and unlike the obsession I had had in my previous relationship.. I started questioning my feelings...

In the end it was the conversation after the wedding that changed everything.. where I told him that I didn't feel like he treated me like an equal.. that I felt like he didn't care a lot of the time... and that that didn't work for me... I told him that I needed to feel like my opinion counted.. that it mattered... I expressed my fears.. knowing that at anytime he could snuff me.. tell me he didn't want to talk.. fall asleep.. but in the end he kissed me goodnight with that look in his eye like I surprised him again.. that I am exactly what he needs in his life... and he in mine.

Its a funny thing this confidence thing... this honouring yourself thing.. you would think that it would be easy... but every time I express myself to him, and risk a fall out.. rejection, silencing... he not only surprises me, but I surprise myself.. I surprise myself with the outcome of being honest.. of sharing yourself with another and having them accept you for you.

I woke up happy again.

That's the point. I woke up with this sense of gratitude to myself, to him, and to where we are headed. I felt like we were a team again, and I felt like I wanted to help, do things that made him smile again, like pack our bags when he was in the shower... tidy up..

that's another thing I have noticed as of late.. that when we first started dating.. I always wanted to do things that made him happy... but then I started to pull away, feeling like it was a chore rather than to make him happy... it was like I felt like he expected it... and so I pulled away... now.. we are back to normal, where I want to help again, I want to make him happy.

But it has evolved into something more. I am being straight with him right away, without any attached drama to anything.. just being frank,....not sanitizing what I have to say. And, he turn is joking with me still, but if I don't laugh he tells me he's teasing me.... he reminds me that life doesn't need to be so serious sometimes...

Oh I remembered more of our conversation... that much of the conversation was steering towards me and my faults.. at one point we got to a point where we were talking about me being soo sensitive... and he, humbly said, that he was thinking that maybe I'm not ready for a relationship like this one...

Although I am totally willing to take responsibility

I told him that it was hard sometimes, because he doesn't usually initiate physical touch with me... and then when I always come to kiss him, he gets agitated and tells me that I am following him around like a puppy dog... that its difficult to balance, because much of the things that he was addressing he causes. Most of the things I said, you could tell, were a surprise to him... he's starting to be more self aware.. and self accepting, being able to maybe look at the not so pretty sides of himself.

he apologized.

Since Sunday(it's Tuesday now) I have felt incredibly safe with him. Where he'll do stupid shit, or get agitated with me over something ridiculous and instead of taking it seriously I tease him about it.. I make it not about me.. and I don't get mad... and I am finding that its working... its the security that I didn't feel before.. the safety of really knowing he still loves me.. and I love him... where he can express himself and I can express myself... and not taking it too seriously when one conflicts with the other.

I am absolutely in love again.
and I am feeling more and more grounded in who I am.

I asked him he felt like I did.. and he said yes.. of course in not so many words... but he did. her said "I love you, you love me.. all is right in the world".

Its nice to be back at a point where I feel like I can tell him to fuck off when he's being ridiculous.. but it isn't from an emotional space, but more from an I'm not going to take this personally,but I'm not going to tolerate this either.

Then today... he got an interview with this company, that would be exactly what he needs to move forward in his career.

 I was on cloud 9... to know that i feel confident that we are a team.. I can share in his excitement.. and that I'm not really scared of the little things right now anymore...

So there... I wanted to share that with you.

We had a wonderful night tonight.. went for an hour long walk.. hung out and made dinner together.

we are better than ever.. and I couldn't feel more authentic, alive and happy.

So the lessons I have learned so far.

be true to yourself... if something makes you upset, or btohers you, share... make sure you let the other person know and watch how they respond.. if they don't give a shit about your feelings.. well then they don't much care for you... and if they don't care for you.. what are you doing in the relationship in the first place?

2. accept responsibilty. If you have the courage to tell your partner that they are doing something that upsets you.. have the decency to accept the same feedback.. and rememebr.. to take responsibility too... Its important to realize that you are in the same boat.. you don't always know how you are acting and coming across either.... and maybe they can shed insight.. don't be too quick to defend... you will never get the cahnce to be so secure and aound someone who sees you everyday to tell you how you are ACTUALLY being.

3. Move on... at the end of an argument, what comes naturally for me works really well... we move on... immediately.. we get happy and hang out and do things together... without any experience that we had just had a fight.

4. don't take things too personally... but be honest when they bother you.

5. If things are going bad... sometimes all you need is to head out with some close people in your life.. and watch the other person's actions... if they are proud to have you on their arm... if they can see in the eyes of other people, why they fell in love with you.. the validation allows for a new place to grow in your relationship... and you break the silence, because an opening for conversation happens...

5. Even if you don't particularly like some of the things that your partner does.. when they are excited.. get excited with them.. if you don't you squash them, you squash the kid inside them... we got phones this week together and how thankful I am that I got the phone too, because it gives us something in common, that we are learning together.. that we can share together... it's important to have things in common... and to be excited about something that your partner is excited about. There's nothing better than to kill excitement and happiness, than someone criticizing you for being excited..

I watched a short clip of Diane Sawyer on OWN.com in one she says that on ne of her stories someone once told her about marriage, a criticism is just a really bad way of making a request.. so why don't you just make the request.. just say, could we just work this thing out.. this thing that makes me feel bad? just make the request.

That's what I have learned so far.

manifesting your own problems

So J and I keep having these random arguments that just ruin the whole day and take so long to resolves and they are exhausting.... he invited me to move in with him... and yesterday was St. Patts, and he had the day off, so we moved my clothes and some of my stuff into his house... but the excitement of the event, what it meant, enjoying it was totally destroyed by this argument yesterday.... it was aweful.. and I have been racking my brain at my own contribution to the situation...

basically, he woke me up, I was tired, he brought me coffee in bed and then turned on this ipod cast that I really didn't like. I felt bad that I didn't like it.. and asked him if we could change it.... by saying "hey babe, I'm really sorry, but do you think that we could listen to something else? I can't handle this right now."

He got pretty pissed off at me... and I subsequently got really pissed at him for being so pissed off at me.... it lasted for 2 hours... talking, trying to figure out where the miscommunication happened... my dedication of wanting to eliminate the misunderstanding...

So, he's not perfect.. and yes, he over reacted... but I know that we cause things in our life.. and he does love me... and he wants to make me happy, so why the fight?

It has only today occured to me that it is in fact my worry and my concern that caused the misunderstanding...

he was more pissed off with the way I asked.. yesterday I was so frustrated.. asking him what the hell do you mean? the way I said it? like how can I be any different, I was trying to be considerate....

but I think what I have realized its not the fact that I was being kind.. it was that he wouldn't have reacted... well hypothetically wouldn't have... if I had just said "hey babe can we listen to something else?"

no dram, no concern, no making a big deal.. and not worrying about how it was going to land for him... that in fact its my concern of saying te wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing that is causing me to say the wrong thing...or do the wrong thing.. that I am experiencing what it feels like to start worrying and because of my concern, I am actually causing the problems that I am scared of causing..

this train of thought leads to a pretty big personal confrontation... where in order to eliminate the conflict, I have to eliminate my insecurities... ha!

what a catch 22.... and how sweet it is in the same breath.. to know that its in fact my own over thinking, over concern that's causing these rifts....

My cousinand I were talking last night.. and I think the problem is that I am so worried about getting into the same relationship with J as with C. that I am living in this tip toe around scenario, although J has given me no personal reason to feel that way... in fact he has pretty much done the complete opposite... he has made me feel welcomed, loved and accepted.... but I treat him like if I say something or do something wrong he is going to leave me....

makes you wonder if I did the same thing with C....

BUT... my cousin and I were saying that whats difficult is having the same behaviour with someone who is a bad man(C) and someone who is a good man (J)

its hard to see the difference in behaviour.... because its not necessarily the behaviour but the reasons behind it.

Anyways... I am pretty confronted right now... how do you eliminate your fear, when you've created evidence for having those fears in the first place... lol?

Looking at all the times I have been worried of annoying him or putting him on edge... I do just that... and when I am not worried... he doesn't seem to get bothered... pretty fucked up if you ask me!

So yes, watching yourself create the mirror of your life.. create conflict is a really strange feeling.

At the end of the day though.. I love him.. I really enjoy spending time with him.. I think I am just at a point in our relationship where I'm worried of losing him which is actually causing scenarios that have me sabotaging the situation.

Isn't that weird.. the only way to make a relationship work is by trusting that you being you adn them being them is enough... to value your own opinion.. and trust that you aren't going to say or do the wrong thing.

To put in succinctly, I think he picked up intuitively that I was worried about what I was going to say... but didn't realize that's what he was picking up on.. and so couldn't really explain it... I as a result got mad that he got mad at how I said it (even though that wasn't really what he was mad at) That men need women who value themselves and have enough self-esteem and assurance that they speak straight up... and say what they want without all the extra words, the embellishment that sounds a lot like drama to them... not thoughtfulness... that men need women who say what they are thinking... straight to the point... and not worry about how its going to land.... so basically, not be overly considerate, because it doesn't come across as being considerate, it comes across as being insecure.... interesting thought.

learning lessons... how to be in a real-ationship

I haven't written much in the past few weeks cause I guess there hasn't been much to write. I've been coasting as it were, enjoying the relationship and trying not to let my fears and concerns get the best of me... the past few days however have given me a new lesson... and I feel like sharing.

Over the past week I have seen myself starting to fall into my typical behaviour.. falling in love with someone eventually leads you to a point where you are concerned about losing them.. and as a result you start wondering if how you feel is being overly - something.. like... or at least a close cousin to neurotic... I don't want to be bitchy or naggy.. I don't want J to feel like I'm asking him to change, so I let things slide, convincing myself that I am over reacting..

Particularly recently I have felt a little neglected.... like he'll stay up late watching tv, or doing stuff on the computer.... what helped me fall in love with J was that he just made me feel so special.. like what I had to say was just perfect.. he made me feel like I was just great, just being me... and that he wanted nothing else more than to spend time with me... and because of that, I wanted him to feel as special as i do, so I would do what ever I could to make him happy.. clean the dishes when I didn't want to.. clean the house while he was at work.. make him dinner... just anything I could to make his life easier.

But over the past few weeks I have felt like he's just living with me around.. he hasn't really done anything to make me feel special, or wanted... just that he's satisfied... but no longer making an effort.

What's hard is that I want this to be easy... and I don't want to jump to conclusions... but I started snapping at him... every time he would say a negative comment I would make a snarky comment back.... and he picked up on it and called me out last night.... he said "you seem to be getting angry a lot with me lately. "
"yes" I responded... "I am" "I'm sorry.. I just feel like you aren't really paying much attention to me.. and its making me a little bitchy. I proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, but that all week I felt like he didn't really care about hanging out with me.. and every time I wanted to hang out with him or share something I felt like he'd rather be doing anything but hang out with me.. that I love hanging out with him.... and I want him to feel the same about me... with nothing else... " I told him I didn't want to tell him cause I didn't want to be bitchy...and I thought it was me.... that I was the one being too sensitive. We talked a little... he told me he doesn't want me to feel that way... and I said "i know... that's why I'm telling you... cause I know you aren't doing it intentionally."

The eventual outcome was for us to watch a movie, and then he took me to bed. It was really slow and sensual. At one point he started falling asleep.. because it was slow, and I was really enjoying the moment. the spending time together... the touching, the just enjoying each other's company. But there were moments when we were kissing, and it seemed as thought he wasn't on the same wavelength as me... an example? his tongue was moving way way faster than mine... and he wouldn't get in the groove with me... where he just went slow.. in fact it bothered me so much at one point I told him so....

I tell you, its so hard to tell someone what they are doing isn't making you feel good, when you know they are trying to.... anyways... I tried to bring his attention to it.. but I think I just sounded cryptic.. how do you explain to someone that you want them to get in tune with you? that seems so cryptic.

As he started to fall asleep.. I finally got up the courage to say"there is a moment here that you are going to miss if you fall asleep" he didn't really understand.. and told me he thinks I think that he can read my mind.. I told him I know I can't that's why I give him subtle hints... and that if he really wants to know what I am thinking listen to my body language.. if I'm touching him.. I want to be touched.... If I'm talking.. I want to talk...sometimes I'm a little more blunt.. but just listen to my body language if he doesn't understand.... he didn't really understand what I was saying, but how I was feeling, is after our talk we had gotten really close... and that if we made love it would be an expression of that closeness and it takes something to get there.. so if nothing happened, we'd miss that beautiful moment of sharing that space with each other.. of getting really close, and being really intimate in that closeness... he didn't really understand.. but stayed awake.... and we eventually found that place..... that really intimate space.... and when we were making love... I whispered in his ear "this is the moment I was worried you'd miss" he smiled at me.

When we were done, I told him that I really needed moments like that... where I feel connected with him... its what fuels everything else... when life is shit.. when you have those REALLY REALLY good moments, you can get through the rest. I told him I really needed that.. and he told me so did he.. I was glad he saw it.

I went to sleep.... I missed school today... and I have been feeling more and more that I have put myself in his life... and cause I want to spend so much time with him... that I am forgetting I have a life outside this.. and I am going to have to start living it again soon.... that he can't occupy all my time.. but I enjoy his company soo much.. that this is ok for right now....

There's this movie I watched two days ago that was profoundly moving to me.. its called " how do you know". I expected it to be a comedy, but it was the most real representation of relationships and life I have ever seen in a movie.

For most it would have been a happy ever after movie.. entertainment, but for me, it showed what people have to decide in order for their life to work... and when there's love knocking at your door you have to do anything you can to allow it to happen.. and then just let it happen....

It was an interesting take on life, because all the characters are going through a huge change in their life.. where they are profoundly changing who they are.... getting uncomfortable and they're typical way of being isn't working anymore.. so they have to make changes.. each person in the movie is at a different time in their waking up process... what I mean by waking up.. is realizing that love is amazing... that listening and being in touch with other people.. caring about another human being is the only way to make life work... each character has to look at ways they have been being and how that sells out on themselves.... and they have to change.

What I found most interesting is the character that is "the player" changes too.. but his change is relatively subtle.. but huge for him. Same with the father character.... he treats everyone a certain way and has always.. and over the course of the film he has to come to grips with that.. and realize that he has to own the things he has done.. and take responsibility.....

taking responsibility is a difficult thing for many.... for some they just do it.... like me.

Why the movie was so profound is the love story. The main character wants nothing more than to make things work.. and she's willing to give anyone a chance... they just have to show up.. but she won't settle for anything less than what she deserves... its not easy for her.. but she's on the right track.... but she'll always give you the benefit of the doubt.... and forgive you and give you another shot.. if you are willing to take it.

I feel like I have alot of those characteristics.. except that sometimes I let people treat me a way I don't like so as to not hurt their feelings.... but in the process my feelings get hurt.... which is what caused a profound shift in me tonight.

One thing J has done for me... is makes me really feel like he cares... but with me knowing that it has caused me to be really aware of when he's not caring... and because its such a  different feeling I am aware that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.. so its my promise to myself to teach him.. to tell him when he's doing things that hurt me.. so he knows.. and then he knows what to change....

I was really struggling with saying anything because I was worried he would think I wanted him to change.. but I guess I do... only the little things that hurt my feelings.... nothing on a fundamental level....

He's been incredibly negative lately.. and it gets to me... (which is what the earlier thing I talked about was about) When ever he's negative I snap at him.... and tell him not to think that way... but the other thing is when he makes remarks that are poking at me... or accusing me of things in a joking manner....

I have never understood humour like that... where its at the expense of someone else.... it has always hurt me, and my whole life I have had people tell me to lighten up... they have accused me of not having a sense of humour.. and I have believed them.... but I'm starting to not believe them anymore.

J made a comment, haphazardly today... and I caught him saying it... the comment was like this

"what happened to the money that was on the table"
"I don't know"
"ok.... "
"I didn't take it...."
"I know you didn't, why would you think that I would think that"
"I didn't, I'm just saying"
I found the money and then put it in my pocket
he watched me do this and teased me that I was trying to hide it from him.
"right in the pocket eh?"
"I'm not hiding it from you."
"I know... "
"No J, please don't think that I think for a second that you would take money from me... I would never think that.. in fact had you said you put it in your wallet that wouldn't have bothered me..."
"I know.. I know..."
"ok... but I just don't want you to think that I would ever think anything like that"
"I don't... I was just teasing..."
"ok... but you said it, so you must have thought it.. "
"its ok A."

In a split second it occured to me that he just doesn't get why I was upset.. and why I took it personally.. so I said "I think I know where our miscommunication comes... can I say something."
he stopped and rolled his eyes to focus on me... the simple act made me feel like he REALLY REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.
I felt it well up inside me... and said, with all the courage I have
"that's not ok."
"what?"
"that.... when I ask if I can say something and you roll your eyes at me like the last thing in the world you want to do is listen to what I have to say"
"that's not what I was doing"
"yes it was"
"no..."
"you rolled your eyes at me"
"I was focusing on you"
"that's not how it felt...."
"well I'm sorry."
"I just want to tell you something and have you want to listen"
"I do want to listen"
"ok... really?"
"yes"
"ok... I was just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.... I just feel like if you joke about something that it came up in your head.. and I don't want you to ever think that of me... I really don't want you to think that I am trying to make your life harder... or I'm trying to hide things from you"
"I'm sorry for taking it personally, but it hurt my feelings."

this isn't exactly, cause obviously I can't remember everything that was said.. but I think its close...

"I don't want to hurt your feelings... I guess some people just have a better sense of humour than other."

I was soo hurt by this statement, I walked away.
What went through my head was... for the first time I was going to put myself first.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I was worried about what other people would say.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I wanted to... I was only going to stay if he wanted me to stay and he was going to show me he cared....

I said to myself, the good thing about not having moved into each other's apartments yet was that I could leave... and I was leaving.. even though it was breaking my heart, cause I was scared this was going to be it... I knew that I wouldn't be ok staying in a relationship where I wasn't respected.. and where what I had to say wasn't valued.. and where I was being accused of not having a sense of humour when all I was trying to do was express myself...

last night in bed, when I told him that I hadn't said anything cause i didn't want him to feel like I wasn't appreciative of what he has been doing for me... that I was worried that I was being crazy.. and being too sensitive... he told me that I can always tell him... so here I was, telling him.. and he REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.. I'll be honest.. I get it.. its not easy to listen to someone say.. your humour hurts my feelings... and let yourself sit with that... that's opening up this can of worms called.. "I hurt people with my sense of humour" and that's not a nice thing to realize about yourself... so I'll be honest, I understood why he was being defensive... but I decided that I wasn't going to stay if there was no space for us to even talk...
so I started packing my things.... I was almost done... when he sat down in the kitchen.. and said "you aren't talking to me anymore?"
I stopped and said "I'm not the one not talking... you aren't talking to me."
""I was going to say something and you walked away."
I looked straight at him. Took a breath to calm my energy down and said "what were you going to say?"
he couldn't do it... he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"please.. please just tell me."
"I don't want you to leave."
"why did it take you 15 minutes to tell me that?"
"I've been packing for 15 minutes? why did it take you that long?"
"well I just realized 5 minutes ago... but"
"you know what J.. the one good thing about me living somewhere else is that I can leave... I have the choice and if I feel like you don't care.. I'm going to leave"
"I do care... but I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want.. I'm not going to make this hard... do what you want."
"you are not stopping me if you tell me you don't want me to leave.. I'm leaving because I feel like you don't care, if you tell me you don't want me to leave, then I feel like you care."

I can't remember everything from that moment on.... but I will write it like I remember... or at least try.

"He hugged me and kissed me.. and said.. so how are you feeling now... and I said"like you care. he kissed me.... and then stepped back... he had this look on his face....
"can I ask you something? do you think this fight was productive or not?"
"I'm just worried where this is heading"
"what do you mean"
"just we've only been dating 2 months... I don't want to just fight... I don't want this to turn into us fighting all the time."
it was so hard for me to hear this.. to see that this could be it... and that the most important thing I could do for myself was to be honest
"well if you don't want to fight ever... then I'll be honest... I'm probably not the girl for you... this isn't going to be easy.... there are going to be things that upset me... and you told me I can tell you what's going on in my head.... I want this to work soo badly, that I am willing to tell you whats going on in my head, knowing that any time you could say this is too much for you.. but I tell you cause I am committed to trying to make this work. We are still trying this thing out.... and we don't really know each other that well, and so I am trying to make it easier for you, trying to tell you the things that hurt my feelings... that bother me... but that's not easy.. its not easy to hear when things you do hurt another person.... but I'm willing to fight.... but if you don't want to argue... then I got nothing."
" I just want this to be easy..."
"ok, do you want to drive me home then?"
"I think that maybe I should... and just give us a little while to think about this."
"ok."


He stood there... not really knowing what to say or do.... I asked him "want some advice?"
he said"yes"
"I think you are looking at this argument like most arguments where both people don't feel like the other person hears them.... where both people are talking.. but no one listens...and the next fight is just a continuation of that fight... where people are just yelling, no one is hearing anyone else and nothing gets resolved.. this is not one of those fights... we talked... we listened and we, I think, solved the problem... it was productive.... its not easy.... relationships take work.... if you look at it being easy.. its easy when we look at just the hanging out.. we get along really well, and have a lot of fun.. that doesn't take work.. but knowing what the other person needs.. that takes work...I'm willing, but if you aren't.. then that's ok"

I was incredibly calm... I wasn't angry.. I was just accepting each moment as it came... allowing him to make his choice... and allowing myself to be ok with whatever choice he made... of course I didn't want him to drive me home... but if that;s what he felt would be easier.. if he wasn't willing to go through this.. and come out on the other side.. I admitted to myself there was no hope for a future cause I can't be with someone who doesn't want to grow.
"J, I feel like i told you on our second date.. that relationships are there to learn.. to grow... that's what you offer me... "that's what you do for me too" "....you make me feel like I want to be a better person... to look at some of the things I do and change them... but its really really difficult to grow... you have to look at the hard things.. the things that are not too nice about yourself.. its really hard... "
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm hurting your feelings"
"I know.. that's why I am telling you when you do.. so you don't have to read my mind... so you know.. I don't want you to feel like you have to change... but I don't want to feel this way.. people have been telling me that I have a bad sense of humour my whole life... I'm sorry that it hurts my feelings..."
"no, you don't have to be sorry...."
"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"its ok... I'm sorry that I didn't get that it was a joke and it was teasing... "
"no I was poking fun.. it wasn't really that funny...I'm sorry."
"its ok.... "

he started getting on his shoes and said "lets go to the store and pick up some things to get dinner"
"ok."
as he was tying his shoes.. his eyes were down and he said
"I love you A. J.."
I stopped and tears welled in my eyes.
"I really do love you... and I'm sorry... I know that I have been busy... and maybe this isn't a really good time for me to start a relationship.. with this job and everything... I know that I haven't really been paying much attention to you... and I feel bad that we haven't really done anything lately.. and that I don't have any money to do anything...."
"thank-you, that's nice to know."
"I just met you... and I didn't want to miss out on you."
"thank-you for saying that... I just need to know what's going on in your head....I know this is a difficult time for you... and that's why I struggle.. cause I keep telling myself that you are only this way cause you are stressed out... and that its just the circumstances.. not you.... that when the circumstances change you aren't going to be like this.. but I have to know that the case.."
"well things may not change.."
"ok.... well then... if things don't change.. then more than anything I need to know you care and you want me around...."
"I do want you around"
"then show me.... life is tough.. I get that... but I'm willing to fight with you... so long as I feel that you care... I will only stay for as long as you care... I will make you a promise.. I will stay... only until you make me feel like you don't care...ok?"
"but I don't want you to feel like I don't care."
"then talk to me.. I will always be willing to talk about it.... but you have to make me feel like you care... I cannot stay if you don't care...."
"ok.. I do care... I do want to listen to you...."
"J, when I say things... I really think about what I am going to say...so if you behave like you don't want to hear, then I feel like you don't want to hear.. and you don't care.. I assure you I am only saying what I am saying to help our relationship.... I'm not just speaking... and I need you to value what I have to say... I am not trying to make your life more difficult..."
"ok."
"I know this is difficult. but I'm willing...."
"ok... I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to hear what you have to say, what's going on in your head"
"even if it hurts your feelings?"
"even if it hurts my feelings."
"ok."

he hugged me. and kissed me... and told me he loved me again.

and in that moment I felt like even though I was terrified to say anything.. it was one of the most important things I could have done... to be completely honest with him.. and tell him how he was hurting me... and not selling out on my feelings.

respecting my own experience... and knowing my own limits.. trusting that if he loved me he would be willing to listen.. and talk.... that this isn't going to be easy.. us changing and growing isn't going to be easy.... I see what he's going through and I've been there, and I can't make it any easier, because its his journey... but I'm willing to stay... and help him through this process... but I am very aware right now that I am very different then most.. and I can't be bothered with the fake bullshit.. I want things to be real... I really want things to be real and authentic.... and that I am going to have to make myself uncomfortable to make that happen.

We are starting P90X tomorrow.. I am scared shit less.. but I guess that's appropriate... he has to deal with all these emotional demons.. I have to deal with physical ones.... I'm willing to do it.. but I am terrified of failing...of not doing well ... I like the idea, but I don't want to do the work to get there... just like he was saying about the argument.... but I know in my heart its really really important that I do this.. for us.. and for me.... doesn't make it any easier...

So there... that's what I got.

I absolutely love him.. because even though it takes something he's willing to listen.. and make changes... on his way out to work he hugged me and said "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" I said "I'm sorry that being yourself sometimes hurts my feelings" he didn't really take that well.. but I know that's essentially what I was doing.. telling him that something he does everyday doesn't work for me..(is sarcastic.. pokes fun). and its not just that it bothers me.. it hurts my feelings... and that's hard. I am very willing to admit that I am not easy to be with... that I challenge people... and that its much easier to just stick with how you've always been... its much more difficult to change.... I know... man do I know.. . this so far outside of my comfort zone... beer and sex... that's easy for me... being fully self expressed at the expense of ruining everything.. now that's a challenge.

but one that seems to be paying off.... cause I guess I am realizing that at the end of the day... he's only the right one if I can be completely self expressed... that what I have to say is valued.. completely... that I should expect him to treat me the way I treat him... and nothing less... but that sometimes he may not know what to do.. and its my job to have compassion and love for him.. if he's willing to learn... then I will let him... the second he stops wanting to learn.. and stops caring... then I have to be willing to let go.....

I feel there is room for greatness for him.. if he's willing to step into those shoes..... and I love him more because he's going to at least try.

I feel like I am starting to get this life thing right....  that the key is respecting yourself.... as long as you are doing that... and respecting other on that path... then you are on the right path... you are moving forward... the ironic thing is that learning that isn't as easy as it sounds.

feeling unworthy.. and the fear starts trickling in again...for no good reason

We had the most amazing two days together.

 Wednesday we said I love, and Thursday... Thursday was perfect.

We woke up at 5am, J had gone to sleep early because his sleep patterns are all fucked up working the night shift. He woke up and I wanted to be awake... I wanted to just spend time with him.

We had toast, smoked a joint and watched the end of the movie we started the night before.

He then started on on the computer. I found myself annoyed at how long what he was doing was taking... but he's someone who likes to plan... and I think I appreciate it... even more now... but I'm so used to just getting up and going... and I'm impatient... that I'm just not used to it.

He went online, google earth, the Bruce Trail information, and Google maps... to plan our little excursion. It was going to be our first hike together...

I'll be honest I was a little worried about it.. underneath. But I have always wanted the man in my life and I to go hiking, to be active and not just talk about it. But I was scared about whether I would be good company.. whether I would be able to hack it...

But I went.. we went on a hike together... and besides the fact that I talked too much.. it was soo much fun! It was the warmest its been in a few months and the snow wasn't too deep. We walked for 3 hours.. him and his GPS the whole way:P lol. our destination... this bridge he's been wanting to go to his whole life... and I got to share it with him! We couldn't find the sandwiches when we got to to the bridge.. he checked my bag... after I had... but nothing. But we just laughed it off and carried on.

On our hike back I told him a little bit about what losing my mom is like for me... a little about my travels...

We got home before night fall.... and found the sandwiches in his bag!

He got ready and left to close the last door on his past while I studied.

When he got back we just hung out and watched a movie. Had dinner and went to sleep.

He told me today that it was the best day of his life.

He picked me up for school this afternoon. We went back to my house so I could get ready for work.. and when we got there there was a package for me... well it was for J.

So the story goes (I'm sorry if I've already written it before) but on J and my second date we went into a used bookstore.. and he mentioned he's been looking for this one book forever, its about an explorer, and they don't publish the book anymore, its of a man that travelled down this river, and its called a river...run ...east.

The next day I decided I was going to find this book for him.. just because.

I wasn't sure if we'd still know eachother when it got to me.. but figured that it couldn't hurt, worse comes to worse I'm out a little money, but atleast I will have done something really nice for him.

So I found this book called a river running east about this man that explored and travelled down the Colorado river, first edition.... in a little used book store in Colorado.

I ordered the book right away.

The next day by fluke J mentioned the book again.. and I nonchelantly asked him what the name of the book was. The Rivers ran East.... oh really? fuck!

When I got home I went on a mission to find this silly book... the right one this time.

I found it online from Australia. Contacted the guy and purchased it. Asked him to write a note in it for J.

The book from Colorado arrived just in time for Valentine's day. I gave it to him, with a smile telling him I knew it was the wrong book.

Today he got the right book. I couldn't wait til his birthday... I just love him so much, I wanted to give him something that reflected that.

When I gave it to him he was shocked... and when he opened it you could see that he wanted to cry.

He told me it was the best gift anyone had ever given him.

He told me he loved me.

I told him on the drive to work that I'm so happy I can make him happy... that I know how to make him happy.. and that he appreciates what just comes naturally to me.

I told him that I never want to be with anyone else ever again.. He said he felt the same way.

He told me he just wants to make me happy and I told him that what would make me the happiest is if he was proud of himself, got a good job and could take care of me so I could have babies. He said ok.

He's so handsome and so thank-ful... its just crazy for me to think that he thinks that of me!

He picked me up from work... and asked if I would sleep over so he could see me in the morning when he gets home from work.

Of course.

I thanked him for asking.. he thanked me for saying yes.

I miss him..

And as I sit here by myself I just get these fears creep in.. like he's going to wake up one morning and not want me anymore.. that I am going to fuck this up terribly...

I know its rediculous, the rational side of me says that the only way I could fuck this up is believing that little voice in my head that says that I am not worthy of this.. that there's no way he feels this about me.... Its a weird feeling .. to be trying to convince yourself that you are worth it... its weird to be your own coach.... how does one do that... be two beings at the same time.. the one that thinks this is all going to end.. and the one that tells that one that everything is going to be ok, and to just enjoy?

So I sit here and think that this is going to fade, and he's going to leave me... That I talk too much, that I am too overweight, that I nag, that I ask too many questions.

I'm so scared that I am going to do something that annoys him and he's going to say fuck this.

It's my deepest insecurities bubbling to the surface.

The rational side of me tells me that that is rediculous. That people who are in love their whole lives must feel this at one point... that he feels the same way as me.. that he would never want to fuck this up. EVER. That he wants to make me happy... and that if he trully loves me he will look past a few things that really bother him about me. The rational side to me tells me that I likes me for me so I should just continue being self expressed and not to get scared of being myself.....

But then the rational mind is competing with that this entire experience is completely IRRATIONAL.. I mean its been a month. 1 month. How do two people feel like this after a month if its not infatuation? How is this entire experience rational?

But I guess that's the difference.. none of it is rational, its from the heart.. the only truth. So I just have to truck along and in the face of my fears.... just trust my heart. be honest and truthful with myself.. and respect myself.

I just feel so overwhelmed.. like I can't believe he ACTUALLY wants what I want.. he wants a future with me.

In the car, after the book, he told me that if he doesn't say much about how he feels he's sorry. He's just awestruck by me.

I just can't believe it... that someone feels this way about me.

Perhaps in time I'll let it seep in.

I need sleep.

The perfect man.

We had the best days ever today! J woke up really early because he had gone to sleep so early. I woke up with him, just so I could hang out with him. We had amazing sex this monring then got up and watched a movie. We left the apartment around 12 and then went on this awesome hike up the escarpment. He's soo interesting, he set the whole route up on his GPS and we ended up tracking the route which is super cool.. I like encorporating technology with the outdoors.. its profound balance.

We just had the best day.. chatting and getting to know eachother more.. he's everything I have wanted in a man.. and I love that we didn't just talk about going for hikes.. we did it.

We constantly talk about our future.. and what kind of toys he wants.. and what kind of house we want.. where we want to live.. how we want our lives to be.. what kind of parents we want to be.

Its so cool.. and I just had the perfect day... now I just need to finish the homework that I haven't completed yet.

being in love.

This week a friend of mine asked me to tell her about J.. so wrote this email to her.... and I felt I would just post what I wrote her because it articulates exactly how I felt yesterday...

What can I tell you.... I am in love. absolutely real, happy ever after love. I have never felt like this in my whole life. I have never felt this cared for, unconditional love.. like nothing I could ever do would screw this up... He' so thoughtful and kind... he's so generous and patient with all the shit I've been having to go through to get to a point where I can actually believe this is possible for me... to allow myself to really love myself and get to a point where I can let him in. I feel so freaking vindicated!!!! like all that work, all that looking at the parts of me I'm not so happy with.... all the dark days of my life were leading here.

I don't think that I ever REALLY thought this could happen to me.

I have realized that I thought love was what I have been getting from my family... but love is not that... that's what people call love.. but it isn't. Love is unconditional, love doesn't ask questions and believes FULLY. ...  J is giving me the kind of love I only thought possible in my fantasies.

He's so interesting and we are absolutely best friends.. no forcing anything.. I am myself COMPLETELY myself and he is himself and we don't bother each other.. in fact all the parts that I don't like about me he thinks are awesome..

J and I talk about the coolest things and he teaches me something new EVERYDAY.

Its easy.. its just easy. I never feel like I am a burden, or he doesn't want me around.. that I am too pushy, he doesn't care that I want to touch him all the time, and kiss him and hug him.. he wants me around..

He makes a future seem possible.. not looking anymore... for this to be it.

We hacked out a plan for the future in terms of job scenario today and we just feel so hopeful.

I fell in love with him yesterday when my friend and her husband surprised me for a visit and he was so kind and thoughtful to them.  He was so exhausted and had to go work, but like a champ got up early to meet them and hang out with them. He knew that it was important to me that he got up and made it a point to put on a brave face.... he was soo awesome with them, it just put me soo at ease, to know that one of closest friends and him could get along...

that was the hard part when I was with C.  My best friend hated him and it sucked cause I wanted to hang out with her... but he was such a dick to her.... so anyways, its so nice to meet someone who puts me at ease.

So I realized that I can see a future with him.. like babies and all! and I ended up telling him I love him tonight.... and you know what he said? He said its crazy.. but I have fallen in love with you too.. I can't believe its been a month.. but I am in love with you (my name). I asked him when he realized it and he said today, when I was telling him about my dream trip to South East Asia. He had never thought of going there, but me telling him about it he thought how cool would that be.. and when he was driving to his diabetes doctors appt he just realized that he loved me.. that he just thought I was the coolest person in the world...

Imagine? Some one feeling that way about me?? its soooo crazy.

When he told me I felt almost uncomfortable like I wanted him to stop.... its weird to hear those words and be scared of them... and I asked myself what was going on.. and then I said "ok Mr. you're not allowed to die on me now." My biggest fear, feeling that loss again....

I told him tonight that I am used to the love you have for your family to be a have-to scenario.. like you have to love your family even if you don't like them.. but other than a few friends that I rarely get to see, I never have experienced love as a choice.. like he chooses me and it sends me to the stars and back... that he chooses me for everything I am and everything I am not. It is the most deepest sensation I have ever felt.

I asked him what it felt like for him and he said he feels alive again, excited about the future again.. he's less tired.. and just.. happy. We were talking about how quick this is... and how ridiculous it is... but I said I think this is different then people who just get infatuated with one another.. because we've become friends first... we love each other for what we LIKE about each other not just the story we have come up with about the other person.. like I just like being around him and I feel better about myself when I am around him. he validates me in ways I never knew possible.

I think falling in love means you accept the future.. where ever it may take you.And that one day you will lose the person whether you break up, or the other person dies.. and to know that pain that you feel, that utter despair that you will feel is worth the moments you get to spend together in the mean time.

I know its going to be a hard road.. building a future with someone is never easy and the both of us have some serious things to work out before we can feel completely secure in this relationship. Ie. we both need to figure out our careers and money situation.. but I think .. no, I know, we are both up for the challenge. I feel so blessed..

and to be honest... I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that all the shit I have felt over the years... of losing my mother got me to this point where I can love myself and let a man like J into my life.. I am so profoundly proud of the changes I have made... and for believing in myself....for having the conviction to have faith that it was all leading somewhere... blind faith.

So what do I love about him? He loves the outdoors, he has 3 tents and a jeep. He's travelled, he will eat anything, he likes to run and wants to encourage me to be active.. he loves my body and tells me I'm beautiful every chance he can... he cooks for me and appreciates when I cook for him. He's incredibly patient with me and can read me.. in fact he told me that he's loved me for a little while but knew he couldn't tell me cause he would scare me... and I knew that.. that's why I knew I had to tell him first. because I knew that he would wait.. wait til I caught up with the feeling he was feeling... so its crazy that the feeling of being IN LOVE Happened on the same day for us.

So..  I am in love, head over heels in love.
(February 16th)