Anger

The moments in my life that I observe anger... It makes me angry.... I've been asking myself why anger makes me soooo angry and upset... and the only thing that I can think is that I have anger deep in my soul... anger so deep that I don't want to let it out... for fear of destruction....

there are moments in my life that anger starts bubbling to the surface.. and I smoke. I smoke anytime that any negative emotion comes up inside me.. like the smoke will kill it....

I hate smoking... this is one of those moments.

Chest constricts,
lungs hurt.. I want another cigarette..
atleast then I can pretend the pain is self inflicted...

How can you be mad at the world?
how can you express that anger... for the selfishness, the naitivity, the pain and suffering we inflict on eachother...

I see the TRUTH. I see the truth... and I am told NO... you are crazy...
HOW DARE YOU... you don't know..
Maybe I don't know either.. but I know more than most... I see more than most...
I love and understand more than most... and I always see the WHY.

I have to believe that we aren't a mistake.. that our lives aren't a mistake...
We are built to ask why.. we are built for meaning... so then how could that be a mistake?

I'm angry at all the mother's who dismiss their children
I'm angry at all the father's who don't see their children hurting..
I'm angry at all the teacher's who tell those unloved children they won't amount to anything..

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???
Squashing dreams the way your parents squashed yours... do you not remember the pain?
Do you not see your life, the life that you have lead... BECAUSE of the lack of understanding.. the lack of love.

We are all trying so desperately to live a PERFECT life.. and we are so fucking scared of getting found out.. of losing those we love... 

WE HIDE... we can't be ourselves.. FOR FEAR OF LONLINESS...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll smarten up and think something different...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll stop being so naive?

WHO ARE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE???
I hate that you have that power over me.

I hate that your childhood didn't teach you how to be an open and loving person
I hate that your parents and teachers and doctors didn't know any better.. I"M ANGRY BECAUSE WE ONLY KNOW AS MUCH AS WE KNOW.. and how the hell are we supposed to love each other.. when we are all so scared?

I'm SO ANGRY...

I'm angry that with all our knowledge... they are building a damn and dismissing the lives, the history, the ecosystem of 400,000 indigenous Brazillians.. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????
If we embraced the technology we have you would see that damn only bottles up progress... and puts us a little closer to death.

The flower and plants and knowledge those people have.. their inate value as a human being...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? We should share knowledge not supress knowledge... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR HOME.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'm ashamed.

I hate this world... I HATE the selfishness... I hate that people believe in a God and don't recognize that they are GOD... that they effect those around them.. they effect the earth and they effect the cells inside them... If ONLY YOU WOULD SEE.. YOU ARE GOD.... YOU DECIDE..

Do you love? or do you hate?
Do you judge? Or do you accept?
Do you celebrate excitement? or do you squash it?
Do you appologize? or do you blame?
Do you understand? Or do you dismiss?
Do you hug? or do you isolate?
Do you express your inner love? or do you hide?
Do you open your eyes and see the world around you for what it really is?
Or do you hide and pretend that there is nothing you can do?
Do you teach your children they are special? Or do you dismiss them?
Do you celebrate others success? Or celebrate others failure?
Do you forgive? or do you begrudge?
Do you let the child in you come out and play? or do you tell yourself to go away?

YOU ARE GOD. you are GOD to yourself and the world and what you say goes...

I am angry because you have infiltrated me.. you got to me.. you told me that I was different and in this world you can't survive if you are different...
You got to me and pushed me away.. and I felt like I was a bad child, I was a bad girl and I was a bad woman...
REJECTION.
All I wanted was love... AND YOU REJECTED ME.

Do you understand what it is like to just love.. love.. love... and be told.. no thank you.. I don't want your love? Your love is strange... your love is wrong.. your love is bad...

YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. YOU HURT ME PROFOUNDLY
I love you.....

I HATE MEN. You covot the earth, you hurt eachother... you don't look inside, you don't see your destruction.. you think you are always right and you tell us that we are too emotional, too sensitive... you dismiss us.. you hurt us... you complain about us... you lie to us and cheat on us.... you devalue us.. and treat us like we were created for your enjoyment...

I DON'T BLAME YOU... you were taught to be unkind... but do you not see how YOUR HATRED FOR WOMEN keeps you small, keeps you isolated... keeps you alone and unloved...

The Earth is your mother.. and you HATE your mother... thus you hate me.

SO that's what it is eh? My hatred for men... who knew it was so deep.
How hard it is to reconcile... the LOVE for men that I inately have and the HATE I have for the cruelty I have experienced at their hand?

How do I love you when you abandon me? Cheat on me? use me? destroy me? push me away? Hit me? call me a cunt? a bitch? too sensitive, too emotional?

HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE stripped me from all that makes me beautiful... from all that makes me a woman?

I am patient and kind.. and always hope that one day you will see... see the pain you have inflicted on me.. and the pain you have inflicted on yourself...

I have hope that one day you will embrace your femininity.... as I embrace my masculinity and we will become whole again....

Please apologize.
I know you didn't know any better.... but now that you do.. PLEASE PLEASE accept responsibility so we can start healing... so we can tach our children to love. that they are love.

I do not hate men.. I HATE FEAR.... I HATE HISTORY... I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION... I hate that you didn't know any better... and that I didn't see... and let you get to me.