Why I have low self esteem

There is so much that has happened.. like always when I go into hiding. I realize I go into hiding when I am worried that what I share may come back and hurt someone I love.. the truth of what I feel and what I think.. well I never want to hurt people... so the fact that honesty hurts... and that I am honest to a fault... can sincerely hurt.. and so I try to keep things just to me... just in case, one day one of my friends sees this.. I never want them to feel betrayed...

Over the past 4 months, why I haven't been sharing.. and been honest is because I have been working through a lot of things with my boyfriend.. and I never want to make him feel embarrassed... so its difficult for me to actually share what's going on and what I am learning.. and how I am learning it.. because its so intertwined with his life that I don't want it to hurt him....

So here I am.... so much has happened.. and I am learning sooooo much about myself and my life.. and I can't explain everything.. obviously cause there is too much.. but I am going to try...

I have low self esteem because I see the TRUTH.... and I SEE why people are the way they are... I see it.. and I'm now realizing they don't... not only do they not see they're own behaviour.. but they don't even look at themselves.. they go through life thinking its other people.... and have a difficult time looking inwards and seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of themselves...

so here I am... here I come with the TRUTH... and when I share it... when I tell... I'm wrong... I'm hurtful... I'm mean... I'm selfish.. I'm too sensitive.. I'm uncaring... I don't know what I am talking about...

The TRUTH is so difficult... not because it is.. but because as soon as we know... we can change.. and change is scary so we try to pretend that everyone else is wrong so that WE don't HAVE TO CHANGE.

I try to be a better person everyday.. I try to look at myself and be responsible for myself.... and find who I am in the chaos of everything else in my life.. inside of my story and all the stories I have told myself I am trying to find myself.. and what I am realizing is WHO I AM... WHO I REALLY AM.. is someone who SEES the TRUTH.. but I don't like to fight.... IRONIC!


Who I am is someone who can see your HUMANITY.. and forgive all our faults.. that's just who I AM... I understand completely...

SO.. when people get mad at me.. and feel hurt by me I feel like I am bad and wrong and that what I am doing is wrong.. but the problem I have never seen before is that is not what I DO.. it's truly WHO I AM.

So... that leaves me always scared.. and so I don't feel fully self expressed... because obviously if I was.. I'd tell you when you were hurting me... but the thing that makes me different is that if I had the courage I would tell you you are hurting me.. and tell you why I think you are hurting me.. so you can move gradually... so you can see the truth... and realize that I love you EVEN though you can hurt me...


we are all testing each other.. we are all trying to see if when you say you will be there forever... if you TRULY will.... but how do you know if I'm going to be there for you??? ONLY if you behave exactly who you are.. and I'm still there.. and that means sometimes not being able to see the smoke for the trees.... most people can't see the truth.. they don't know WHY they are the way they are.. and so if I tell them... I must be wrong... I must be crazy...

Who wants to admit that they are mean?
Who wants to admit that they are addicted to men?
Who wants to admit they don't trust people?
Who wants to admit they are fat?
Who wants to admit that they are not who they want to be?

We all want to be happy... we all want to be satisfied with the life we have chosen for ourselves.. and because of that.. we SELL out... but the reason we sell out is because we have NO CLUE what's in our way... what's in our way is WHO WE ARE.. FULLY SELF EXPRESSED...

NOW... fully self expressed does not mean you go around and tell people they are dicks... its understanding that people are hurting.. that people only do as much as they know.... and that even though they don't want to hurt you... even though they don't think they are someone who hurts other people.... I love you.. and you are....

The problem with me... is that I take things personally.. so when someone hurts me.. I forget all I know.. I forget they are hurting and they are only behaving the only way they know how to... and it has NOTHING to do with me... because clearly they misunderstand... its so hard for me to know what I know and still... tell myself that the other is hurting me and they can't see it.... because I'm hurt and I want them to care enough to know I'm hurt.

Even though I know all this... this is what typically happens when I'm hurt.. both in my head and in practicum..

I get hurt...

HOW I GET HURT -
I get hurt when I'm excluded,
I feel hurt when I'm excited and someone is too busy with themselves to care about what I'm excited about
I feel hurt when I feel like the other person isn't being generous

I feel hurt when I'm judged.... BEING JUDGED is probably the thing that hurts me the most...

I get hurt when people are behaving poorly... and in my head I figure.. they must know they are hurting me... they must know they are behaving BADLY... I mean how hard is it??

well I'll tell you how hard it is.. we all can't see ourselves.. so why the hell do we expect others to see themselves??

we are scared.... so is EVERYONE ELSE... we have no clue.. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.

So I get hurt.. and then I hide... placate.. pretend that I am not hurt.. WHY? because I know that they wouldn't have done what they did.. had they KNOWN...

BUT... I also don't want to get hurt again... So.. I know they probably don't see what I see.. but then I'm too scared to tell them... cause well can you really listen to someone tell you about WHY you are doing something when you are mad at them... or they are accusing you of hurting them? when you didn't even know?

The most uncomfortable feeling in the whole world is when someone tells you you hurt them and you had NO IDEA.... to know you are THAT blind.. that you could hurt someone....well for most people its way too hard to admit they don't know themselves... because they think they do... BUT how many people do you know who are honest with themselves?? so.. its REALLY hard to listen to someone else telling you the truth.. when you can't even tell yourself...

I think that's why this blog has helped me... because I tell my deepest fears of people knowing... and because of that I have to look at myself... I think this blog is what shifted me... my ability to look back and see what I was really doing to myself... and more than that... TO REALLY SEE THAT I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.. and get REALLY straight with myself..

I'll be honest there are still so many things that I'm struggling with being honest about to myself... It's so hard.. because then you have to take responsibility... make the change.. and become the person I know I can be....

WHAT'S MY FEAR.. that who I am, that person that I want to be will challenge people so much I will be very unliked.... and I hate not being liked...

So how I'm trying to handle being hurt... its in progress... and learning how to be confident is helping.. but because I am yet at that point of confidence.. I still get scared.. still feel threatened.. and am still scared that I am going to lose the person if I'm honest.

Cause let's be honest... people cut and run when they are hurt.. and well... HONESTY hurts sometimes...

I think the trick is making sure that when you are hurt you come to the other person FROM LOVE.. pure love and understanding.. and just let them know that you are hurt.... instead of accusing them of being mean... come to them and say.. hey... I don't know why but you really hurt me...

my problem is I get defensive.. and terrified, so I come at it like a bull... I raise my voice... I am we could say as far from graceful as possible lol...

I am, however becoming more aware of myself when I am upset.. and this week I had a moment where I caught myself yelling at a friend... when I felt attacked.. as I was yelling I could see I was over reacting and so I calmed... I brought myself back down and as I was doing it I was telling her that I'm sorry that I was yelling.. I was scared and felt trapped...

I was so unimpressed with myself.. but at the same time I was proud to have seen what I was doing.