how far you have come

There are days where I am so proud of myself and then days I am so disappointed. I am not certain where the balance is. 

Over the past 6 months - year - 2 years my smoking and my lungs have been crying out? And I ignore, I pretend, I push away... but there is that voice that worries about me. 

Worries about why do I feel the need to fill my hands and fill my lungs with smoke. I have seen many people smoke for years and die from something else. Or my own mother who died with lung cancer and never smoked a day in her life. 

But there is something deep inside me. 

Tonight woo woo showed up. 

Today we went to the home show and I shared the vision with a few of the booths to see their response. 

It took me a while to warm up - we all looked nice. James looked dapper. We had a few people compliment us - one said we were fancy. 

Me? Fancy? 

Do I want to be fancy? What does that even mean? 

I had a dream once that by the time I was rich and famous I had found love. So love could follow me as I blossomed into who I was born to be. But therr is something that I am afraid of. There is something that keeps me hidden. There is something that hides behind a haze of smoke, broken teeth, and a cough that has lingered far too long. 

Its deep. 

I have scratched the surface. I have seen below but its still all very cloudy. 

I dont want to quit smoking. 

Sort of like I didnt want to quit men. 

Its what I do. 

It has come to define me. 

And yet. I suppose there is something more - its a crystal so there are many facets - but what I feel is there is a fear of money - there is a fear of power. There is a fear of purity. There is a fear of full.embodiment. there is a fear of spiritual connection. 

I am afraid. 

I am missing my children's childhood because I have been so emersed in making the Wandering hOMe Directory a reality. For years I have thought this one last thing- this one more day - one more week - one more month. 

And still I am a mother who lives on a bus who smokes and barely takes care of herself. 

I neglect myself. 

I suppose part of it is because I got so used to it. The bottom. That I made it my home. Where I can be me. Atleast thats what I have come to believe. 

Dressing up is a small joy. I am not good with joy. 

There is so much I wish I wanted to do - to be. I wish I had more discipline. My children are losing theirs. Unless I reign them in - showing them the way they will never stand in what they can be. 

The woo woo showed up today. 

The Sherlock Holmes book that james found in a bag started where the Sherlock Holmes movie we watched last night ended. With the same line. 

I turned on Crazy Rich Asians the movie only to find the book was also in that same bag. 

What are the odds? How is that even possible? What does it mean? 

Magic shows up in my life. While I hack and cough and light another cigarette. Its strange. I dont want to quit. I dont think you could pay me to quit. But why? I try to convince myself. I try to scare myself. But there I am determined to find and light that other cigarette. 

How do people quit drinking? 

God? Surrendering to God I have heard is very helpful. 

I feel that if I surrendered Id be a bad Christian. I will never stop believing that Jesus went to Tibet. I will never stop believing that math and symbols and signs are God to me. 

I dont want to lose me. But then so much of me scares me. 

To want to build something to save everyone while I can barely stand most people. 

They scare me. 

The world. The people in the world. 

The only thing I thought we could come together on is to protect the children - but half the gen pop thinks sexually mutilating a child is totally ok of the child believes it will.make them happy and choose.

Apparently Mohammed married a 6 year old and the Talmud says something about raping children. 

I had no idea the basic nature of humans was so cruel and evil. That they can be pushed to such a vile acceptance. And they would kill for their beliefs. They do. 

How do you make something for everyone without selling out on your very principles? 

My mother begged me not to smoke. 

She didnt have surgery or chemo and died. She did everything she could - emotionally, nutritionally - Alternatively. But she didnt do antiparasitics and she didnt do surgery. 

And she died. 

James said something the other day that rang deep - i dont expect to live past 55. 

11 more years. Maybe less. 

That he knows what its like to have to redefine what it means to live. He already lived ongoing past his father's age at death. 

My mother's death defines me in so many ways. 

But I started smoking before that - Japan. It all started in Japan. I used to hang out in the smoking section in high school with a lighter. But it wasn't until Japan. Until I lost her, my mother. Until she begged me for a purpose. It was a gradual process. By 18 I was smoking every break I took - it was cool - it felt rebellious - rebellious against what though? What am I running from? What am I running straight for? 

The cigarettea were the secret. On her death bed I gave her the chance to prove she loved me unconditionally. I told her the truth. And she accepted me. And then it just got worse. 

I have been able to smoke in almost every apartment I have lived in. And not having a job for years leads me to fill my time with smoking. It fills my hands. 

I dont play an instrument. I dont draw - i use my phone for all things creative. I can smoke with a phone. 

I wish I could channel that same energy into building. 

I wish I could channel my desire for feeling my lungs into exercise and breathing techniques. 

I wish I could channel my frustration and anger at the world into becoming fit, healthy, happy. 

I am not fit. 

I am not healthy - well I think I am except for the smoking and coughing. 

I am not happy. 

I am resigned - but its not even that - it like I dont want to be someone who dresses up and commands respect and attention. But I do. 

I have broken down what things mean. There is a disconnected lane. Roadblocks... and I am greatful. I dont want to move them. 

I have always said if I had a pool id swim every day. 

I have a pool. I do not. 

James is trying to get me to go to the sauna. 

I havent ridden a bike in 12 years. How ridiculous. 

I dont do push ups or sit ups or yoga. I dont go on walks. I dont stretch. I dont skip rope. I dont build a more comfortable and beautiful bus. I dont read enough with the kids. 

I smoke too much. 

I dont brush my teeth enough. 

I dont brush my hair enough. 

I dont shower enough. 

I dont sing enough

I dont dance enough. 

I dont find joy enough. 

I dont play enough. 

I dont clean enough. I dont cook enough. 

I wish I was a better mom. 

I wish I was a better wife. 

I wish I was a better leader. 

I wish I was a better woman. 

But when I ask myself. What does that mean to you? What is better? There is a block. I dont want to be better. I want to be me. 

I think I am having a midlife crisis. I cant believe its been 8 years on this bus. I cant believe its been 13 years since the tree. 

I cant believe I am almost 50 and falling apart. With no assets. No savings. No house. No feeling of home. 

Wandering hOMe is as close to the truth as I can find. I am not sure where this goes. I just needed to write down where I am at. Figure out where I am. I was hoping that a magic wand would show up and poof. I would have clarity and discipline. That I would do the things I always wished I was the kind of person that did. 

I always make excuses for myself. Im too busy. I have too much to do. Sleep is nice. I prefer sleep. Or smoking. I prefer smoking to running. I prefer sleep to stretching. 

I have spent so much time trying to control.amd contain my mind - I have spent so much time trying to build my confidence. But I fail. I fail because in all that I have ignored my body. I have ignored my lungs. I have ignored self care. 

Why? How can I change? Do I even want to? I guess actions speak louder than words. 

XRP memes and my journey under the Blue Umbrella 💙

 I haven't written a blog about my thoughts in so long. For years this blog was my outlet.

Then I went silent for a few years here and there posting... and then I moved to vloging on tik tok in 2020. It was faster, I could pause when a baby needed me. I could record my thoughts .. but I lost 4 accounts there. I lost all my content and so it started being more scarce... I have been focused on my personal dreams.

I have built an entire XRP and XLM ecosystem to support the Wandering Footprint. Right now I'm learning about the culture of meme tokens who is building ，  what kind of people they are. Who to trust.

 All while my meme token called the Blue Umbrella Token awaits its turn. I feel so far behind... but then tonight I had an epiphany and déjà vu after the thought and I came to write à blog on the Blue Umbrella Blog. Only to find myself writing like I was back here. A Familiar home on the internet. Where all my secrets lay... even if I can't remember... here they are. 

The thought was a compilation of all the things I have heard, the lessons I have learned so far and how I want to build the Blue Umbrella inside the culture. The Alpha idea here for the few of you that may find this is to create AMMs with all the cultural meme tokens... and all the utility tokens. 

Déjà vu and epiphany. When I make 2 I take one out and put it in the AMM. Or something like that. 

I see how one day they will all have NFTs with their favorite meme on the shirt 💗💙

I am beyond excited at the ́lore and culture being etched into the XRPL, not to mention it going to almost 4$Canadian this past month!

Join the roller-coaster coaster ride with us. Follow me on X x.com/OptimysticPrime 

Join the telegram channel for the Blue Umbrella Token. 

T.me/blueumbrellabut 

Seeds are germinating 💙🦋🙏🍀💗🎉

12:42 am PST. August 24, 2024

 I am in northern Vancouver Island. It's day 6 of camping and I finally stayed up after midnight and the sky is finally clear and I went down to the lake and hung out with the cosmos for an hour. 

I thought of all the things I wanted to share..... but I can't record myself... I can't do a tik tok. I don't want to speak out loud. I just want to write.... like the old days. 

This blog. Is everything. 

I imagine this is the book I want to write.... this is it in all it's rawness... in all it's spelling mistakes and randomness.... it's my life. 

21 years since my mom died this week. 

11 years since I quit nursing school. 

11 years ago it was the same series of days. The anniversary of mums death was on a Monday. Sunday night I got stuck on the highway between bobcaygeon and peterborough, on my way home from work, and watched the sun set and the most spectacular Meteor shower of my life. 

I quit nursing on Friday. 

I met James 2 weeks later. 

I have so much to say. I have so much to give....I wish the world could see the future I see in my mind. 

I believe if everyone on Earth saw what I saw and saw a plan and path there, they would want it, they would be whatever they needed to be to make that happen... 

So I went out to the beach, under the stars and took off my shoes. Grounded myself in mother earth and I tried to pour love into her, pour love into humanity... 

And then all I heard in my minds eye was, Amanda let us pour love into you. 

So I stood there, imagining Jesus, my mother, my ancestors, the Buddha, God, pouring love into me. 

I saw 5 shooting stars. 

I imagined a better world. 

I prayed. 

I held space for 21 years without my mother.... and the path that guided me down. 

I can't put my feelings to words.... 

I believe in us. 

20 years

 My phone has 1 percent and its hooked up to this little mobile pack barely charging at the rate its using energy. I just did 2 tik tok videos and it crashed in between. I have so mich in my head.... So many memories are flooding through me. This whole journey brought to this moment. This time. Today.

I think the reason people arent fighting is 2 fold. 1 that we dont want to fight... We want things to be peaceful. We want things to end gracefully. We are all trying to hold on to this life we created and we are so attached to it that we dont want to let go.

And 2. We are so miserable that we are hoping secretly of a shift so grande that our hearta burst with hope. If we fought... What would we be fighting for? To continue on our miserable lives where we end up dying with alzheimers? Not remembering a thing?

Or perhaps we create the life we want by jumping into the mystic.

Thats what this journey has been. Coveting memories and good deeds.

I came here because ive been trying to create the constitution for the Wandering Footprint. Right now i thought i want to add that. That we covet good memories and good deeds. Thats what we are trying to build...those are the people we want to support. Because memories are the most treasured things and sharing memories with others makes them even better.

What do people toil for 40 weeks/year? 2 weeks hanging out with their family... Mostly in nature or exploring. So why not make life that? Why not create a network that supports that? Why not support eachother through that? Why not create the world we want?

You can follow the past what? 16 years of my life here. I chose my life. I took responsibility.. And i learned to be greatful for all the pain and suffering. For what it was pointing towards.

I still have room to grow and i will forever be growing. But what i know is i wouldnt have done it any other way and i believe others would be happier for choosing a similar path to me. Wandering with love. 

Love wins

God wins

 We win

Really Big Mobiles

Well i outed my blog on the shipwreck show. I remember when I started this making peace with one day I would have to integrate this part of my journey into who ever I had become. I guess that time is now.

It's 3 days later.. I have been discombobulated in all ways since my interview. It's all the feels and my fingers don't seem to move as fast as how much there is to write to explain all that I am going through internally. 

But alas... The reason I came here finally... Was I am laying in bed.. Thinking about how I may be afraid of getting my dreams... And what the hell that's about.... And then I have this image in my head... Randomly I think of how I can encorporate that vision into my mobiles.... Flash.... 

The mobiles... The key was always the mobiles.... An idea that was sparked when I quit nursing school and I was trying to find my love and joy and started making mobiles again..... 

And then I saw me sitting on james floor... Looking up at him with the case with all my mobile stuff.. Me showing him what I was creating... Knowing full well how cheesy and insane it sounded. 

And he looks down and said.. And you could make giant mobiles. 😳 And sell them.. People would love those in their gardens. 😳😍 I looked down and immediately wanted to cry... Everyone else had thought I was crazy... And here this stranger was rooting me on... And creating bigger dreams..... I fell in love.

In that split second I remember asking myself.... Do you want to remember this was the moment.. Do you want to tell him? If he reacts poorly you know he doesn't feel what you feel... If he accepts it... He might be the one... You are going out west anyways... Who cares if you fall in love for one night again.....

I looked up and said 'this is the moment I fell in love with you'

I can't remember when I said I love you straight up... But i do remember that moment... And right now, laying next to him and our 3 babies in the belly of Optimystic Prime... Dreaming about this crazy hopeful plan I have to get our farm and RV park and create the first Wandering Footprint farm... Thinking about all the work I did on the website yesterday trying to get the idea down in practical terms.... Imagining the metal shop..... I saw the mobiles... 

8 years it's been.... Heading into 9..... And maybe this is the year. 

Over the past 8 years the mobiles come up from time to time.. When James went to welding school we said even if he doesn't become a welder.. Atleast now we will know how to make our mobiles... We've in the past year come up with the idea of the butterflies as resin... We've figured out some basic movement components... We've thought about integrating water and bubbles... It'd like if this damn mobile gets made.... That's the universal sign I made it.... 

And that will only come if I get my land and my dream... 1000s of Wandering Footprint farms that provide sanctuary. 

Camp as life.

Could I really have all my dreams come true by just being myself? And sharing the journey?

After the Shipwreck show I immediately wanted to come here and try and finish the story that I was in the process of sharing.... But i was so shook I couldn't even come here. I called my friend. I needed cheerleading... I felt so raw. So transparent, so vulnerable.... 

My friend said a bunch of ppl wrote they were going to come check it out..... 

I am integrating that this is the time for me to integrate. Integrate this part of me and really own it. So.. If you are here. Welcome welcome to the mind of a 24 year old in 2006.... And this crazy journey to here. 

This is my journey to self love.... Turned out I had to kiss alot of frogs before I found my handsome prince. 

I hope you find your own humanity in my words. I truly believe we rise together and as each of us throws the shackles of shame and guilt out and surrender to the story. The story of curiosity and grief, lust and love, surrender and intuition... The journey and its redemption through self love.... 

Self love is the revolution. 

As each of us learns to love ourselves the more we open to our divinity and the perfection of creativity we all are. 

May we heal and come back to Mother nature. To our synergy with the all that is. Christ Consciousness. Forgiveness. Gratitude. Surrender. Faith. Hope. Love.

Confession.. 

These are my Confessions.... These are my sins. This is me missing the mark, countless times... Until I, Amanda Jones... Became an Archer.... 

I am only now coming to accept how blessed I am.. 

 With my simple little life... How I chose right. I did what ever I was supposed to do... Right. 

I have no regrets. None. Well except not getting that morning glory tattoo in Thailand to represent that surgery. 

But other than that.... 

All my dreams came true.. The ones that matter. 

And so maybe, just maybe if I continue following the blueprint I already laid out for myself... Maybe the rest of them will come true too. 

My farm, horses, travelling to Ireland, central America, leaving the earth a better place than how I found it. 

Whoever you are. If you are reading this.. Your story matters. It is through our stories we heal. We find our humanity.

It was never you... it was the environment you were / are in.

If you believe life should be full of joy and want to help me bring my vision to life. Please check out www.wanderingfootprint.ca and wanderingfootprint on tiktok and instagram. 

If you want to see me look for truth and #talkoutmyshit my tik tok is @optimysticprime2.0

If you want to see our journey with Optimystic Prime in pictures @optimysticprime on Instagram.

I'm ready to rise with you. ✌️🖖❤️🙏🌱🌎🌍🌏❤️❤️🤞🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🙏❤️

And build my really big metal mobiles. 

Finding my voice November 30, 2021

I'm. Not sure why my phone randomly brought me here. I had gotten up from bed after scrolling through tik tok and getting courage to check in with where the people I love are at on this journey.

My step brothers post about my step fathers new book showed up. 

To put it into context I do not check FB regularly. Maybe a little bit more frequently in the past month. But over the past few years I have gone months without checking or posting. Mostly because so often I scroll through these people I have loved for years and their page says such hateful things - such ignorant and to be honest threatening and terrifying beliefs.

I tell myself to not be afraid. That it's a reflection of their inner dialogue and not mine.... But then the fear comes from those delusions continuing to play out on a mass scale and us finding ourselves in despair where people are being murdered for living a different path. 

Us humans are so threatened. So fearful. 

I stay on Facebook because I don't want to cancel me. Ive been posting more often lately so these people don't forget their humanity - that I am here. Trying to enjoy my life no matter how many limitations, no matter how many threats and insensitive comments - no matter how much you think I am wrong or are threatened by my position I know this is my cross. I know this is where I will die.

That my children will not grow up in a world where they don't have choice over what goes in their body. Full stop. 

What a reentry. Perhaps that's why it lead me back here. My anonymous space where it's not the lighting or my face, not my voice or whether there is food in my teeth. That it's just me and the keyboard. Me and my internal thoughts.

It's been a long time. 

I turned 39 last week and I have been struggling. Struggling with a variety of things but I have an inclining it's all rooted in the same thing all showing itself in all the different ways this one aspect of me manifests. 

A lady last week sent me a DM mentioning that she noticed I have a line between my eyebrows that goes up... She mentioned she had been studying Chinese facial lines and that this was a block of power and manifestation. My left shoulder behind my scapula and up my neck now further down my spine and tonight in my upper hips I feel tight. Like I am paralyzed. Lactic acid build up.

I am avoiding me and I am coming home to me all at the same time. 

Last Thursday I found myself so upset and judgemental about what's going on in my business - a similar pattern playing out - and then with a specific person who publicly tried shaming me and I didn't know how to respond.

Then thursday night james woke me up to share this Archer talking about climate change and how her prediction is Germany was going to run out of natural gas by Feb because of all their climate agreements... And the people would be left without heat.

Then I went and checked my phone to my one core creator responding on my behalf to the comment I didn't have the capacity to address. - I felt in that moment I needed to respond. That it was too harsh - that I really hated this was going on in a public format - that I was annoyed this lady who keeps saying she wants to help is being more and more a bother... And how do I handle ppl who arent vibing with me?

I started telling James hoping he would have insight and instead of waiting until the end of the story he started behaving like the woman - I felt attacked and misunderstood - and the fight wasn't going anywhere.... And so I had to sit with it. This feeling of wanting to escape and having no where to go...

The next day, Friday, I spent the day in quiet researching the line on my for head - the pain in my shoulders and what the fuck was happening in my business and my relationship.

The line in the forehead is called the suspended needle/dagger/sword. 😳

And signifies a breakdown in masculine energy Qi. That it can tend to happen if being cut off from a father or not having a father figure - not being connected to the masculine energy and not knowing where to focus it.

Shoulders grief and anger

Feelings that I hate - anger, frustration feeling attacked.

I always feel like I'm under attack. 

I am. Always on the defense. 

I am trying to observe my anger that i become most productive when I feel like I have nothing to do/no where to go.. but clean. Trapped-- lash out- production

I've been trying to encourage myself to start using that anger - for things I like. James bought me a practice bow last month. And a real bow for my birthday that has yet to arrive. So on Saturday along with the research I went out and shot the bow a few times. 

Then on Saturday I went to the small little rainy rally and handed out stickers. 

I ended up going to the mall for the first time in years and got 2 new oracle decks and some books for the kids for Christmas. 

I tried to talk to James that morning about what had happened but nothing. He didn't even react and ended up leaving the conversation... More of the same feeling... So what is it? What do I feel?

James went back to work today. It was a good day. I was kind with myself and the kids... And we ended up going for a walk and to the park for an hour before picking him up at work. It's amazing what a walk in the forest can do for my spirits... And yet... I still find it hard to get myself there. 

There was a call tonight, like every Monday night. And only Beccie was there. Another layer of the same feeling but this time I just talked to her... She had been there on the phone the night james and I had our fight... She had been there the night of the comment. She had been there the night the initial drama and the 2nd drama happened.... So we just chatted for an hour... About this pattern and it's connection to masculine energy and anger and redirection -

How I feel that I am coming to a place where I have to become the light and step into my stability so that I may create that with others.... To not allow the energy and ebb and flow of others to hinder my trajectory.... To be productive instead of paralyzed... And that there is a lesson here that I can't see yet... But its coming. 

Then tonight.... I came across my step brothers post that my step dad's new book came out.

😲😳

Am I more scared to be in it or not?

Am I more afraid that i am not and never was anything significant? Am I afraid of who he thinks I am vs who I am and that I don't meet the cut and will therefor be interpreted for the world to judge me - from my step fathers 82 year old perception?

I spent most of my time after my mom. Died typing up a beautiful book he had written while my mom was sick. It told the story of him and us. It was beautiful.... And then something happened. It ceased to exist... 

Years later my friend offered to help get his book published. I suggested it and was immediately reacted to with aggression - defense as though I had done something bad and was pressuring. 

5 years later my step siblings would help him get it done. 

I read the book when my daughter was 1. 

I wasn't in the book - my mother was not in the book minus a sentence that read something like his second wife also died from the cancer they created 😳😲😭 

So now what? What is this lesson? Maybe it's that I am written in this book and I am a horrible person and that I have to really surrender to any fears I have of outing these people that played such a significant role in my life and yet have completely abandoned me - ostricized - criticized - judged - felt burdened by... 

That I owe no one anything and that it is time to come back to my words. To these pages. Of the life I once lived. The single free heart I had... And that I have always been on this path of love and hope. 

And that the universe is conspiring in my favor. And one day this struggle will all be in the past - a distant memory. 

I have to clear my phone because kindle won't download to read the book. I'll try if not I'll have to order a paperback. I feel like I am on the presupice of being hurt one last time. But then.... I need to rip the Band-Aid off and accept what ever comes from this maybe it's exactly what I need. 

November 30, 2021 10:57PM PST 

You will never not be a mom again.

It's an amazing thing the journey into motherhood. Growing slowly into an entirely new human. To spend so many years where I was my sole responsibility and so many years having no one to answer to or be responsible for... 33 years... 13 years without my own mother... And here I am. 10.5 months in and we just found out we are having another.

It's interesting our culture teaches you to not share the news so that it's easier on you if you have a miscarriage. The last pregnancy I told everyone almost right away... I knew if I lost the baby it would be devastating and therefore I chose to share the journey... No matter how it turned out.

Now, 20 months since we found out the first time...we have a beautiful, happy little girl that every day I grow more in love with.

I tell people you grow into life with your kid. Its little steps into being the parent you want to be and the most important thing to be is kind to yourself.

We are still struggling financially, but we are so rich in love... The pull to continue to write my adventure pulls me... If I were to die tomorrow how would I share with my child what I learned from my short time on this planet?

So I write for her... For my unborn child... For all those children that are looking for a light, for hope and the little kid dream inside them.

There's a weird thing that happens with the second pregnancy. All the old fears have disappeared. Originally I was frought with concern that my partner wouldnt still want to be part of my life, of my child's life... I didn't want to corner him.. I wanted to replicate him... He is the best father I could ever ask for... Yes we don't agree on some things and I get frusrated with daily life things... But everyday we are together, everyday we spend with this beautiful little girl I fall more and more in love with him. He is the humour, the light heartedness, the goofiness, he gets her in a way I must have wished someone would have gotten me at that age. He brings joy to our lives... And having another just makes me feel like I can't believe I get even more love in my life.

I know what Labour looks like, and it's a doozy, I know what pregnancy looks like and I know what those first 10 months look like. The fear comes from how to manage 2... But I can only imagine, like this one, you grow into life together as a team. I never had siblings growing up. It was just me and mom... And then to lose her at 20... The trauma broke me in so many ways... And built me into someone I never could have imagined.... I have hoped for love in my life... Yet unconsciously struggled with acepting it... Struggled with accepting me... Struggled with knowing what kind of life I wanted...

Its a huge leap of faith children... To consciously choose to bring life into this world... To create hope where so little exists... To believe I can be a better person, a good mom and somehow make my own dreams come true in order to prove to my own kids that dreams do come true.

I was watching America's got talent tonight and it occured to me one day my kids will do something extraordinary that I will be so moved by and so proud of.... Its overwhelming.

My partner said this morning after I had a little cry... Its hard to believe we get to love even more?

Its true. This journey into parenthood, into a family, into love is splitting your heart into more than one body. Its a risky move... Its vulnerable and raw and wild. It really brings you back to the nature in you... The nature in me... Mother earth.

So cheers to the next chapter.

Growing up

Something has been happening with me this month... I've been sick more than usual... And I've been feeling atrange... Delving deep into my own psyche trying to release what ever I'm holding on to.

I've got myself watching long island medium for the fort time. I saw the very last moments every week when I tuned in to watch long lost family. And every time I saw it I would tell myself it's a load of crap.... And then it occured to myself that I say that and yet in the hidden parts of me I think I may have more psychic abilities than I give myself credit for...

So I started to watch it.... And it rang on a chord deep inside...

There is something about my mother that I have to figure out.

A flash from an episode of Grey's anatomy.... Recently she referred to her mother's ashes being dumped down the drain at the hospital... Its been years since that episode... But her ashes were kept in her closet and then finally one day she knew what to do.

I went to a local medium this week... She's learning and I'm learning but one thing she said to me that got a chord was that I am already channeling my mother and that maybe I needed to ask her to step back.

What does that even mean?

I pulled a tarot card from a new OSHO deck I bought that talked about reaching a point in my life whan a person relinques their parents thoughts and becomes their own person.

Have I not done that??

I was thinking recently where I was at this point when I was 9 months old. (my daughter is 9 months old)
And it was about this time my mom was losing her house and going bankrupt. When I shared that with the medium she said you know you don't have to relive your moms life? I know that.. But it allows me to recognize the scars in my heart... And how far I've come to be thankful and heal those spaces...

But am I caught up in that? What do I need to do to mature? I'm so suffocated by fear... By low self esteem.

And then tonight it occured to me that I need to put closure to my childhood.y mother's ashes are in my closet.  It was right before I got pregnant that I finally went to my step family's farm and retrieved them from the hill.

Its time to say goodbye. Its time to let go. Its time to put it all to rest and live my life from my perspective.

My hope is some of them at the grave site with her parents and sister, some at the Sharma center,  some at dreamers rock, some given to her best friends and closest family to sprinkle where they want... And the rest in the ocean out west.

I need to see my father again and witness his eyes meet delilah's.

I am scared to write my book... I am scared to share who I truly am with the world... The only way I can past this year is of I finally close the book. Finally finish the story come full circle.

Its 2 years since I said good bye to my father... I met someone yesterday who gave me a phone number for the Irish Embassy to encourage me to get my citizenship. The signs are pointing towards healing those last few parts of my childhood.

And being vulnerable to the fact that I was just trying to survive... How I coped and what I've done have been my school... And I have found the most amazing partner to be my compsnion, to raise Delilah with love and compassion and play.

I have broken karma by allowing my heart to explore the many facets of life... That this blog represents a tiny fraction of the depth of experience I have and there is nothing to be ashamed of in allowing others to let them see themselves in their own hearts and cherish their own experience... So one day each one and the world can know peace.

What to write in my new life?

Most people haven't documented the rawness of their lives across such shifts publicly while they are happening. I believe I have had the life I have in order to be able to see past lines and boxes. In order to see past prejudice and fear. I see myself in all beings... So what does that mean?

Well I've been thinking about what to write here... Where am I in my head and what do I want to share so vulnerable these days with a child I have to protect as well as teach the world is good too.

This mother thing is a real balancing act and through all the advice I've been given one thing that constantly rings true is nothing is black and white. It's pretty much my opinion on everything now a days.

So what does that look like? Well let's start at breastfeeding. This is one of those controversial subjects. There is the breastfeeding camp and the formula camp. Each has their reasons to support their own ideas. Breast is best is a catch phrase that just like formula, I'm sure had a catch phrase, it helps normalize it, yet then there is this weird guilt that some mothers say they have when they can't breastfeed.

Ultimately your decisions around your body and your child are your own. I don't think it's anyone's job to tell you What's best for you and your family. Love. That's the answer. What ever that looks like for you.

We all have issues around love and care and affection. Family is a way of slowly exposing the rawness of our hearts, our insecurities. Tearing us down and building ourselves back up every day.

So what 1000 kids were scrutinized using the scientific method. In every bell curve there are outliers.

I think the revolution we are currently in is one of self. Growing into our own hearts and souls. Learning our connection to all. That our unique perspective is the view the universe choose to see itself. Parenting is a course in that.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past 8 months. Its that my baby chose me.  With all my flaws. She too will grow and learn and fumble and explore her limits and hopefully by being vulnerable I can help clear a path so she is able to thrive.

Ok I wrote half of this a month ago. I just wanted to get it posted. So I'll leave it there.

March is always our time to plan another year ahead. Figure out what's next. This past moth has be en ridiculous. In the end our car died an hour from home 3 weeks ago. Our friends came to our rescue. The child tax credit that I was stressing about over the past I months came through the day we found a truck that would suit our needs. So we have a truck and we are making a plan. And I feel better everyday the light wins over the dark and our days get longer.

Full moon is coming. Time for a breakthrouh.

7 months today

My baby turns 7 months today. Maybe it's the time has given me space. Perhaps it's that I'm starting to feel hope. Perhaps it's that I'm gaining perspective. I don't know but I cut off all my hair today and am compelled to write.

When I think of this blog I think about how I started with the lessons I had learned by 24. I'm 34 now and maybe I need to write my new list. Especially the list I have acquired in the past 7 months... Or maybe the past 17 months... Or maybe it started at camp last fall right before I got pregnant. But things have changed and this is the greatest adventure of my life and lessons speckle every day of my life.

Breastfeeding is a bitch.

No one explains... Or even if they do...you will never truly understand the self sacrifice breast feeding can be.

Breast feeding is forced attachment. I completely understand the warnings that it is ok if you don't feel that unbreakable bond from the beginning. I was scared. I'm still scared. Breast feeding has slowly allowed us to be as close as two people can be... And let's us grow more into each other's space.

When I get down it's like a spiral, within a couple hours I've gone from being upset the house is dirty to thinking we should break up. It takes real effort for me to see my mental dysfunction and shift it to something positive. How do people keep their houses clean all the time?

There's a pattern to my feelings and the moon... Crisis is usually around the new moon, breakthrough is usually around full moon and the rest of the month seems to be manifesting the new creative energy.

I want to be creative and rich but the amount of energy, focus and time scare me.

I scare easily although I've survived my biggest fears... I still requires a tremendous amount of self coaching for me to pursue anything and feel capable.

They say New born babies eat about every 3 hours... They don't say they may have been eating for 2hours and 45 minutes up until that point.

You can't spoil a baby. Learn them. Be patient.

My boobs have been nicknamed battle tits because our baby scratches and pinches them for at least a couple days every month. When it's happening I feel I'm going insane and feel overwhelmed in trying to Get her to stop.

Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.

Being a parent is a constant juxtaposition.
Oh i can't wait til she sleeps through the night... Except I'd stay awake the whole time listening for cries and worrying she's going to suffocate.
Oh I can't wait to have my boobs back I hate this .... But I'm going to miss this closeness.. Everyone says you miss this phase.

I have a completely radical perception of life, love, health and well-being that's why. I can't explain or choose a side. My side is a tapestry...

It is very difficult to crystallize all areas of your life into your present existence.

Even shitty behaviours or circumstances have their silver lining.

Fake it before you make it.

Having a baby exposes parts of your personality, beliefs and triggers constantly. Be patient with your heart.

People are amazing.

Learn to make peace with the weather. Being outside is essential to happiness.

Enthusiasm, encouragement and love feed me and can change my mood in a heartbeat.

I have so many areas to still grow in.

I'm scared to fail.

I'm scared to never have the money to do the things I want to do or have for the baby.

Thank God for technology and it finally catching up with my brain.

I'm falling asleep and need to go. I'll think of more over night.

Xo

330 am reminder its ok to feel.

Oh my god. I just wrote for an hour and it's gone...ugh... I wrote all about how I woke up in so much pain at 330am, couldn't move, baby started crying... Had to feed baby in dark while can't look down, turn my head from side to side or hold her up in my arms.... Wrote how the last time I felt this kind of stiffness was the day after I said good but to my biological father... And it gradually getting worse from the time we said goodbye.

I wrote about how he had given me the lantern for James, and signed the book he gave me... My first gift from him, Anam Cara, of which I have lost since getting pregnant.

I wrote about how I've lost three things dear to my heart in the past year, the book, my rainbow cupcake hat and my cross stitch. Gone. Ugh.

I wrote about how the ferry he gave us tickets for and we were in a rush to get to ended up being out of commission for a few weeks and how the quick goodbye was good for us.

I wrote how we drove up the malahat to Nanaimo through the rain.... And how the weather reflected my mood... then west past goats on a roof, through the old growth forest, to port albeirni where a rainbow came out .  where again the weather reflected my mood...Through the mountains and into rain soaked, but clear skies, tofino

I wrote about our campsite and meeting these 2 men who were camping across from us by means of a solar powered rainbow light in a bottle....it's a really cool story.

And then james' alarm went off for work. I gave him D to cuddle with for a minute.. hugged them both and took her back to feed her... And went back to finish my post, to find it gone. Disparue. Every word gone. And I don't have the time to write it again. Ugh.

I woke up at 330 am in so much pain and remembered the last time I felt this stiff. It was when I said goodbye to my father.

That night I woke up in equally the same amount of pain as tonight at probably about 330am. In a wet tent on the earth and whimpered to myself as I lay in agony. The next morning it had gotten So great...so bad... I was in so much pain... I got stoned and finally gave into crying.

Britt came and sat with me and I talked out my emotions and just cried. Happy sad. The rainbow. And the pain went away.

So here I am. Happy sad. So I held my baby and cried... Then handed her over to james and went out under the almost full moon and cried... And stretched and tried to relax my body... And cried. This is hard this mom stuff. And I miss my mom... And  my dad... And my step dad.

I am trying to keep the baby happy and everyone else... And I don't know how to keep me. I feel overwhelmed and grateful. I feel annoyed and think it's all funny, I am dark and light, yin and yang and I haven't cried in 2 months.

So I cried a little and feel a little better.... And then wrote and it all down and it disappeared...ugh.... . And now the baby is crying again, just pooped and I have to get up to drive James to work and feed this baby before we go. And my neck still feels stiff. Motherhood..2 months in. Lol

Maybe when I get back I'll try and let more go. Let more emotions rise to the surface. Let the pressure built in my shoulders find some release. Cry.

Baby D - sleep deprivation.

I had a baby... I got pregnant, carried her for 10 months and then pushed her tiny body out of mine. It's crazy.

That's what I say to everyone.. this is one hell of a ride this transition into parenting. The first month and a half seemed to go by pretty smoothly. Somehow I found the time to sleep...maybe not eat all so well but Most importantly I found the time to sleep.

Lately I find myself being  cranky. Everything ia starting to bug me...my house is a mess and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. All I can do is say... I'm frustrated.

Last week my partner worked 75 hours. How can I expect him to do anything when he gets home but unwind and sleep? Ah sleep... How I miss thee.

The first 6 weeks I didn't count how much i slept, but James worked in the evenings... So we would atleast sleep in and Delilah was good with that... But the past 2 weeks he got a new job where he has to be there for 630 and be picked up at 4. So we barely sleep. I dont see him and I feel like I'm slowly falling a part.

I have found in the 3 years of being together we only get frustrated with each other when we don't see each other.... We are there again.

And Delilah has decided that she wants to feed constantly again. So I must leave this here. And go feed my tiny milk gremlin.

The next chapter. Baby delilah. Writing

I came across a mom blog this morning that listed the 20 things you need to know for your first week of having a new born. I laughed.

I could relate to some of it... But also in reading it I realized that if I just open up to being vulnerable again I have so much to share.

I debated starting a new blog... Or continuing the one that I started to meet my dad. Fullcircleadventure.blogspot.com

Because this is for sure a full circle adventure. I again... Hesitate to write here because it will bring people back to the person I once was... Back to the person that exists inside me... But alas that it my story...

I'm dreading October because that's the month I run out of maternity leave...I was on EI since October and although working at the gas station this spring while taking James to welding school every day...I didn't manage to accumulate enough hours to get maternity after the year is done... And it's done in October.

And my partner wants to be home this winter with the baby... Take the rest of my parental leave... But finding a job here in the middle of cottage country in the winter has proven quite the feat.... So I need to figure something else out... I want to make money writing... But building the confidence to make that happen feels almost impossible... So i mine as well start where I've left off.... And maybe it will all pan out...

Writing in my journal seems almost impossible balancing a baby on the boob a pen and a book... But maybe embracing this forum again will allow me to write.. I can type and hold my cell with one hand.... So here is to the next chapter. Baby Delilah. The ups and downs. The embarrassments and the triumphs. This is our story. How fabulous you really look!

Im having a baby

I'm catching up on Grey's anatomy. It's the only show I've watched since the first day it was Aired.

I have watched it through all the lives I've lived....

And it all started with Meredith waking up next to a man she didn't know the name of.

The evolution of the characters, the writing, the story.... Has been so real. It shows what trauma looks like and what moving on looks like. It is a show about physical and emotional healing and it reminds me of my own journey.

I am scared to keep writing on this blog because I have become such a different person in the past what? 9 years of this blog. .

I am having a baby with a man I love... I've learned to enjoy the small things... My anxiety is at an all time low.

I have learned to trust myself... My life and the love that exists in every part of my body. .. And yet there is still layers that await my unraveling.

I'm embarrassed of some of the life I lead.    .. And yet I can see as I get older how it was all requires for me to come to this place. And this place is required for me to move into the next place.

I am trying to write my book but I'm scared to hurt those I love with my own truth. I need to come to a place where my anger and frustration were not palpable anymore. Where I didn't feel angry any more....

I suppose I am beginning to really feel that way.

I needed to make peace with my love.... And maybe it's through writing it that I will.

I remembered being in Thailand... My surgery..  And giving Into the possibility of death. I hated that my step dad couldn't tell me I would be OK... But then I knew I had to let go into the possibility of dying and hope that I was strong enough... That my journey along this path wasn't over...but make peace with death.

That moment in my life shifted everything.

Along with countless others.

I learned to rely on myself. I learned autonomy. And I survived.

This journey has been one of learning how to be autonomous and trust my own take on the world... Trust my choices... Trust my knowledge.

I am coming to see what they mean by knowledge is power. It is power over your own life. It is counter intuitive.... The experience is needed to grow.

I have never experienced great violence.... But I have experienced emotional trauma... And also unconditional love.

I am coming to see how the parts of me have come together and why I think, act and do the things I do. How each pain played a role in my personal evolution and although my heart has been broken countless times.... I still open it up to the goodness that exists in between the sorrow.

I'm on the next leg of the journey. But it includes the past.

I am having a baby... And her life will be the result of the life I lead.... The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through our lives together.

But more than everything... I have come to see that in order for your children to feel safe, secure and open to the world.... You must embody that love... And give yourself permission to love all of you no matter who you are..... Forgive your past. Move past the ways your happiness was blocked... And find your little kid happiness again.

epic trip

i leave tomorrow.

i cant believe how much ive grown. what i have learned and how in love i am.

its been an incredible journey so far... learning to love myself.... let love in and believe myself worthy to have love to come home to.

making peace with my past..... with the patience i ave ha to build and the depth of understanding men

thanks for coming on this journey with me.

amanda

full circle adventure

It is 11 days until I leave on our epic road trip to meet my biological father.

I can't believe it is all happening... all the past, all the things I have been through and I am finally happy!!!!

I am so madly in love with my boyfriend, and healing the parts of me that never get to see the daylight....

it's the strangest feeling to make peace with the parts of me that have been so hurt and so lost for so long. Crying when you are happy..... the relief that comes from relaxing into life. Expecting the best moments.... expecting it all to work out.. even when it feels like the opposite.

I could only feel this excitement by feeling the disappointment and sadness from my life... all emotions are contained together... you can't get the light without the dark. You can't be happy without willing to admit that you have been desperately sad.

I have been struggling with posting to this blog during my trip or starting another.

I haven't had the time to look through this blog... all I know is it exposes the very raw side of my journey... of my journey through love, sex and feeling whole..... I run into moments of embarrassment ... and I continue to remind myself that this is who I am.... this is what makes me me... and there is nothing to feel ashamed about... however, I have decided to start a new one...... the new journey. fullcircleadventure.BlogSpot.com

I am so thankful for my life.... and so thankful that I could have experienced all the randomness that life has to offer and now it is revealing its magnificence.

Thank you for this journey.
Amanda

The very first time I heard my father's voice.

It happened.

That little girl dream.... the one she only tells herself in the quietest places in her heart. The one she dare not share.... for fear someone or something will rob her of that simple hope... that simple dream.

But it's not so simple. It has never been, nor ever will be. But it was my one wish my whole life. My whole life. Breathe Amanda. Breathe.

I struggle with writing at all. It scares me... the way my life is just blossoming before me... after all the things I've done... man, the idea of this blog still scares the shit out of me. I want to read back.. but haven't.. I'm scared I'll delete shit if I read it.... and I don't want to... I just want to share myself.. and share my story and believe that if I sanitize it I rob people of the story. Of the true story... the path of my coming to myself... and making peace with the opposite sex.

This is my journey on these proverbial pages.... and I write here differently than I write in my journal.... but this forum always compels the very best of my desire to write.

I suppose I should accept that I am a writer and have been wandering everywhere trying to find my craft... when perhaps... if I am lucky... I have been doing it all along.

******

I feel like a million fireworks went up in my heart, in my body, in my head..over the past few days. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be me right now... it's insane.. like every emotion that ever existed inside any human being is racing through my body at all times.. I'm stressed and relaxed, anxious and safe, excited and terrified, happy and sad... all at the same time.

I have a lump in my throat that I haven't let go of.... like I feel like I am going to pop if I let it all in.

I watched a movie with my boyfriend last night called Harold's search for Happiness or something to that affect... I feel like he feels at the end of the movie when his brain lit up like a fireworks festival. These emotions are all wrapped up...

The most important point on Harold's list, in my opinion is... Happiness is not the avoidance of what makes you unhappy. TRUTH.

I could not feel what I am feeling right now had it not been for the sorrow I have felt. I can only explain that my emotions encompass every emotion I have ever felt.... excitement being the hardest to really share. And the relief.... the heaviness that has sat for years, lurking in the shadow.... is being acknowledged again and loved. I suppose that;s maybe what this feeling is.... self-love. Just pure pride in myself for loving others enough that I get to love myself. To live a life I am proud of, honestly... and have the universe reward me.

I am humbly self aware of the thoughts that I am experiencing. One of the most predominant is the feeling that I don't deserve this. Who am I to get my happy ending? Who am I to have my dreams come true?

I am trying to remind myself that when you let yourself be happy, you give others the space to be happy too.

I am trying to remind myself that if any of my friends have anything to celebrate I celebrate with them... and if my friend was going through something like this I would just lose my mind in excitement. And so. I am allowed. I am allowed to enjoy these next few months....

I am allowed to celebrate. I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time this past Saturday night. 

the feeling of which.... makes me want to pop... and that's a weird thing to think. I'm just so full up with energy....

and as I write this the only thing in my head is.. "GO OUTSIDE. BREATHE. SCREAM. MOVE. DANCE. LET IT GO... whatever is binded around your heart..... LET IT GO and LET THIS FEELING IN. LET IT IN. Don't be scared.

ya... right... lol.. it's like that time I went and hugged a tree and ended up sitting under it for 2 hours.. just being with the land.... it helps.

Sometimes I'm just so embarrassed to admit the things I think and do.... but I suppose I figure.. if they help me.. then maybe there is someone else that it might help too.

****
So right now I am completely overwhelmed by what has gone on in my life over the past month and a half... I've just had to let go of someone I really love... and the pain of it made me mad.... quite literally I have been so angry and sad and confused for over a month now.... and then the day after I decide to just let that feeling go.... this happens. the second I chose to forgive.... I got my wish.

The second I gave myself permission to be happy despite the circumstances... and remove all thoughts of ill will, my life got even fuller.

And now I sit in a space of feeling like I have worked my whole life for this very moment...... and yet.....there are parts of me that feel that I do not deserve this... why doesn't everyone else get their happy ending too? I only wish that every human being could just feel the gratitude I am feeling right now for every single moment they have played a role on this planet.

Too many people have affected my life... too many to count... to many cultures... too many lovely lovely human beings from every religion, walk of life imaginable... and I am just so thankful that the lessons I learned through the journey of my life has brought me here.

I am so thankful. I understand where the bow comes in... its a bow to the creator... in gratitude for the life it gives us. No matter what the pain.... if we spend our lives searching deeper and deeper into ourselves..... being able to be proud of yourself is the deepest pleasure. Being able to love beyond all impossibilities....it hurts, but when it doesn't... MAN its worth all the pain. this feeling... is worth. all. the. pain.

Now... if only I can remember that the next time I'm losing my mind in sadness or anger..lol... but I suppose that is the lesson after all, it's just learning to roll with life.... doesn't mean you are always going to be feeling good.... but knowing that there is happiness on the other side of all pain...helps make it a little easier to palate.

I suppose true happiness is the sacred calmness inside that constantly reassures that everything is alright, even when it doesn't feel like it... the confidence in your inner dialogue..to be able to trust it. To feel completely at ease inside in knowing, and not knowing... and always being available to grow.

I think I need to go outside.

Be back later.

**** 1 hour later.

My bf's best friend showed up and we went and stood in the field acorss the road and watched this beautiful sunset..... the ice particles made it so there was a line of light both down and up from the sun... and the snow has meleted and frozen just so to be shiny... almost like an oil slick when the light hits it.... its gorgeous, crisp, fresh, quiet.

It's a funny thing... the more love you have in your life the more alone you feel you can be.

The journey starts with the first step..meeting my father

 This journey of mine has been a long and interesting one. Somedays I think back on my life fondly thus far and recognize that every step has lead to the next one.. that I only knew as much as I knew and that I have atleast lived as true to my heart as I could inside the internal turmoil that I was going through.
Somedays I look back and think oh no! I don't even want to read this blog and actually remember it all... I struggle between guilt over my life.. and gratitude for it.

Which leads me to this phase.. the phase of finally meeting my father.

Do I even have the right to spend money on this trip when I owe people money for helping me out through nursing school?

I considered setting up an account with kickstarter or indiegogo.... trying to maybe fundraise money by trying to make it into a book... or a movie.... I don't know.... then I think "who would want to dnate to that? why do I deserve any money to get what I want?"

it's a hard thing this confidence thing..... there are so many reasons to not feel adequate enough... to not feel like I deserve my happy ending... all the reasons in the world to think why would anyone else care about my life.. about what's happening to me....

But then there's this part of me that wants to share it with the world! I want to scream it from the rooftops! That I am so freaking excited and really want to document it... I really want to share my excitement.. I want to share the experience... I want to include people.... but then maybe I need to keep it for myself..... not make a big deal out of it.

I don't know what to do!!!

All I know.. is today my cousin and I made a tentative plan to leave at the start of April.... and for me to be in Victoria mid April - meeting my dad.

We have 14 stops scheduled.. almost every city there is a friend or family member waiting.

Nashville - Atlanta - New Orleans - San Anotonio - Pawhuska - Grand Canyon - Las Vegas - Yosemite - San Francisco - Yosemite - Mt Hood - Seattle - Vancouver - Victoria

I leave my oldest friend in Guelph and end up with the third of our triad in Vancouver.

Seeing people from my life..... staying with people from my life. .. sharing my excitement.

EEK!

I'm so scared to share.. Im so scared to document.. and I'm so scared to have the story of my past to be part of this.... to continue this story on this blog.. so that anyone who comes to read about this leg of my journey can go back at any point and watch my journey... I'm scared... embarrassed.... scared.

Bu if I knew that I would be bringing hope to atleast one person... I would gladly share my experience.

We will see.
Amanda

Choosing aloneness

It's an amazing thing to be in the midst of a total internal shift and to be aware of it...

watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...

wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...

watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...

I think I want to be alone again.

I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....

I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...

and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.

I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....

when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."

ugh.

I have to be alone.

The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.

To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.

What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.

and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.

So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.

and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.

I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.

ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.

I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...

:(
Amanda

type or it will leave you.

This voice comes into my head - you need to type.. if you don't it will leave you, never to be seen in quite the same way again.

It' a thought I hear quite often.. and I.. like you can see, have not typed very frequently. Perhaps it's that I believe that I am not a good enough writer.. that I have some kind of issue around admitting how much I love typing.. or maybe... its that I don't think myself worthy of enjoying something that I love.

If there is one thing I have noticed about myself.. I do very little to fill my heart.. I think... that's what I do... in all my spare time I am thinking.. analyzing, talking, listening...

I've been told my whole life I think too much... I talk to much..... I'm too sensitive....

I have come to see that my dedication to analyzing my life.. and forcing myself to learn and grow from the inside out... brings me to these very deep and noble questions... these thoughts that come swirling into the forground of my ability to translate.. and then dispurse like the mist disspears once the sun hits it.

So... I was thinking... If I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to give anymore to anyone... and I don't want to get anything from anyone.. what does that mean???

\I just hit this point in the past day. I am more exhausted than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can barely crack a smile.. I feel weighted... like a deep decision has to be made.... I watch how people react to each other and how it stings....

And then I think of James. When I am around him I never feel he needs anything from me. He never takes from me.... but then he never really asks me for anything either.... He doesn't need anything from me. AND he then becomes this space for me.... the safest space I have ever felt.

Where pure love resides.

and then I notice how uncomfortable that space truly is for me....

All the dithering thoughts of not getting my hopes up... not putting all my eggs... not assuming I know what the future is....

and realizing it is very VERY difficult for me to let myself be happy.

It's like I have convinced myself I am not allowed to be happy.

Maybe it's just recognizing that I feel a sense of shame being happy in the face of all the travesty going on around the world.

Maybe it's me feeling like "how do I have any right to be happy when so many people are suffering?"

and then I ask myself... well, how can you experience Joy right now? and I answered. Think about James.

and then I heard the voice to type.



*******

It is the one year anniversary since the note in the tree. It's the one year anniversary since seeing T. on the street and making peace with the Earth. It's thanksgiving. And if there is one thing I am thankful for its James.

I have never been loved the way he loves me. Not even by my mother.

When I lay in his arms the other day I finally understood what the whole confusion over the Oedipus complex. You want to marry the tenderness, the sweet, the kind, the thoughtful part of a good mom. You want to marry the comforting, the strong, the open, the loving, the courageous part of a good dad. And you want the other to complete you in a way you have never felt before where everything seems as though it is complete.

That;s how I feel.

We've been together for 11 months. We've lived together for 11 months... and the space he provides for me .. the space I provide for him... is the most kind, loving, gentle space for each other.

Last night we got home and I was feeling like my head was going to explode.... I was hugging him in the kitchen... and we were staring into each others eyes (which by the way took SOOOOO long, at first we couldn't even look at each other. Looking into each other's eyes was the scariest thing for both of us.)

So I was looking into his eyes.. and he started to move to the music.. its so easy to follow someone that is moving to the music and you are connected to.. you just follow their body... your body becomes theirs... and we were dancing. It's my favorite thing about James.. when we are together and able to just dance in the kitchen.

He said "you may have even gotten me to like dancing."

My heart swelled in a way I can't even describe... I got tears in my eyes and I felt moved to my very core. "Oh Jamie.. that is probably the biggest gift you could ever have given me. "

He looked at me.... hugged me tight and said "and maybe for me too. "

Such simple moments.

I think I want to stop there for now.
Amanda.