Im having a baby

I'm catching up on Grey's anatomy. It's the only show I've watched since the first day it was Aired.

I have watched it through all the lives I've lived....

And it all started with Meredith waking up next to a man she didn't know the name of.

The evolution of the characters, the writing, the story.... Has been so real. It shows what trauma looks like and what moving on looks like. It is a show about physical and emotional healing and it reminds me of my own journey.

I am scared to keep writing on this blog because I have become such a different person in the past what? 9 years of this blog. .

I am having a baby with a man I love... I've learned to enjoy the small things... My anxiety is at an all time low.

I have learned to trust myself... My life and the love that exists in every part of my body. .. And yet there is still layers that await my unraveling.

I'm embarrassed of some of the life I lead.    .. And yet I can see as I get older how it was all requires for me to come to this place. And this place is required for me to move into the next place.

I am trying to write my book but I'm scared to hurt those I love with my own truth. I need to come to a place where my anger and frustration were not palpable anymore. Where I didn't feel angry any more....

I suppose I am beginning to really feel that way.

I needed to make peace with my love.... And maybe it's through writing it that I will.

I remembered being in Thailand... My surgery..  And giving Into the possibility of death. I hated that my step dad couldn't tell me I would be OK... But then I knew I had to let go into the possibility of dying and hope that I was strong enough... That my journey along this path wasn't over...but make peace with death.

That moment in my life shifted everything.

Along with countless others.

I learned to rely on myself. I learned autonomy. And I survived.

This journey has been one of learning how to be autonomous and trust my own take on the world... Trust my choices... Trust my knowledge.

I am coming to see what they mean by knowledge is power. It is power over your own life. It is counter intuitive.... The experience is needed to grow.

I have never experienced great violence.... But I have experienced emotional trauma... And also unconditional love.

I am coming to see how the parts of me have come together and why I think, act and do the things I do. How each pain played a role in my personal evolution and although my heart has been broken countless times.... I still open it up to the goodness that exists in between the sorrow.

I'm on the next leg of the journey. But it includes the past.

I am having a baby... And her life will be the result of the life I lead.... The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through our lives together.

But more than everything... I have come to see that in order for your children to feel safe, secure and open to the world.... You must embody that love... And give yourself permission to love all of you no matter who you are..... Forgive your past. Move past the ways your happiness was blocked... And find your little kid happiness again.