7 months today

My baby turns 7 months today. Maybe it's the time has given me space. Perhaps it's that I'm starting to feel hope. Perhaps it's that I'm gaining perspective. I don't know but I cut off all my hair today and am compelled to write.

When I think of this blog I think about how I started with the lessons I had learned by 24. I'm 34 now and maybe I need to write my new list. Especially the list I have acquired in the past 7 months... Or maybe the past 17 months... Or maybe it started at camp last fall right before I got pregnant. But things have changed and this is the greatest adventure of my life and lessons speckle every day of my life.

Breastfeeding is a bitch.

No one explains... Or even if they do...you will never truly understand the self sacrifice breast feeding can be.

Breast feeding is forced attachment. I completely understand the warnings that it is ok if you don't feel that unbreakable bond from the beginning. I was scared. I'm still scared. Breast feeding has slowly allowed us to be as close as two people can be... And let's us grow more into each other's space.

When I get down it's like a spiral, within a couple hours I've gone from being upset the house is dirty to thinking we should break up. It takes real effort for me to see my mental dysfunction and shift it to something positive. How do people keep their houses clean all the time?

There's a pattern to my feelings and the moon... Crisis is usually around the new moon, breakthrough is usually around full moon and the rest of the month seems to be manifesting the new creative energy.

I want to be creative and rich but the amount of energy, focus and time scare me.

I scare easily although I've survived my biggest fears... I still requires a tremendous amount of self coaching for me to pursue anything and feel capable.

They say New born babies eat about every 3 hours... They don't say they may have been eating for 2hours and 45 minutes up until that point.

You can't spoil a baby. Learn them. Be patient.

My boobs have been nicknamed battle tits because our baby scratches and pinches them for at least a couple days every month. When it's happening I feel I'm going insane and feel overwhelmed in trying to Get her to stop.

Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.

Being a parent is a constant juxtaposition.
Oh i can't wait til she sleeps through the night... Except I'd stay awake the whole time listening for cries and worrying she's going to suffocate.
Oh I can't wait to have my boobs back I hate this .... But I'm going to miss this closeness.. Everyone says you miss this phase.

I have a completely radical perception of life, love, health and well-being that's why. I can't explain or choose a side. My side is a tapestry...

It is very difficult to crystallize all areas of your life into your present existence.

Even shitty behaviours or circumstances have their silver lining.

Fake it before you make it.

Having a baby exposes parts of your personality, beliefs and triggers constantly. Be patient with your heart.

People are amazing.

Learn to make peace with the weather. Being outside is essential to happiness.

Enthusiasm, encouragement and love feed me and can change my mood in a heartbeat.

I have so many areas to still grow in.

I'm scared to fail.

I'm scared to never have the money to do the things I want to do or have for the baby.

Thank God for technology and it finally catching up with my brain.

I'm falling asleep and need to go. I'll think of more over night.

Xo