Choosing aloneness

It's an amazing thing to be in the midst of a total internal shift and to be aware of it...

watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...

wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...

watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...

I think I want to be alone again.

I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....

I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...

and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.

I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....

when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."

ugh.

I have to be alone.

The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.

To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.

What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.

and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.

So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.

and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.

I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.

ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.

I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...

:(
Amanda