This journey of mine has been a long and interesting one. Somedays I think back on my life fondly thus far and recognize that every step has lead to the next one.. that I only knew as much as I knew and that I have atleast lived as true to my heart as I could inside the internal turmoil that I was going through.
Somedays I look back and think oh no! I don't even want to read this blog and actually remember it all... I struggle between guilt over my life.. and gratitude for it.
Which leads me to this phase.. the phase of finally meeting my father.
Do I even have the right to spend money on this trip when I owe people money for helping me out through nursing school?
I considered setting up an account with kickstarter or indiegogo.... trying to maybe fundraise money by trying to make it into a book... or a movie.... I don't know.... then I think "who would want to dnate to that? why do I deserve any money to get what I want?"
it's a hard thing this confidence thing..... there are so many reasons to not feel adequate enough... to not feel like I deserve my happy ending... all the reasons in the world to think why would anyone else care about my life.. about what's happening to me....
But then there's this part of me that wants to share it with the world! I want to scream it from the rooftops! That I am so freaking excited and really want to document it... I really want to share my excitement.. I want to share the experience... I want to include people.... but then maybe I need to keep it for myself..... not make a big deal out of it.
I don't know what to do!!!
All I know.. is today my cousin and I made a tentative plan to leave at the start of April.... and for me to be in Victoria mid April - meeting my dad.
We have 14 stops scheduled.. almost every city there is a friend or family member waiting.
Nashville - Atlanta - New Orleans - San Anotonio - Pawhuska - Grand Canyon - Las Vegas - Yosemite - San Francisco - Yosemite - Mt Hood - Seattle - Vancouver - Victoria
I leave my oldest friend in Guelph and end up with the third of our triad in Vancouver.
Seeing people from my life..... staying with people from my life. .. sharing my excitement.
EEK!
I'm so scared to share.. Im so scared to document.. and I'm so scared to have the story of my past to be part of this.... to continue this story on this blog.. so that anyone who comes to read about this leg of my journey can go back at any point and watch my journey... I'm scared... embarrassed.... scared.
Bu if I knew that I would be bringing hope to atleast one person... I would gladly share my experience.
We will see.
Amanda
No comments:
Post a Comment